Eternal Sunshine

Chapter 21: Bitter

Samara was startled when she arrived to St. Mungos and found Nymphodora Tonks waiting for her just outside her office. Samara could count on one hand the amount of times Tonks had paid her a visit while she was working. She was therefore more surprised that she was there, especially when you considered their last encounter. Samara, despite things being more or less mended between herself and Eric, still felt angry with Tonks for revealing the status of her relationship in front of all of Grimmauld. She could only imagine how the news of that had spread and felt her cheeks coloring at the thought of it. Not just that, but for confronting Eric about it after she had specifically told her to stay out of her personal business.

"What are you doing here, Tonks?" Samara asked as calmly as she could as she walked past Tonks who had looked up and was watching her with a strange expression on her face. It wasn't quite apologetic or bashful as Samara would have imagined. Tonks was vaguely annoyed with Samara as she followed her long-time friend into her office. Not so much about the fact that Samara was still clearly angry about what had happened, though she didn't agree with Samara on many things, she could understand that. However, she felt hurt and annoyed that Samara didn't trust her.

"Well... first of all I came to apologize for blurting aloud that Eric was cheating on you. I wouldn't have done it, but I told you I felt you needed to know and well... I would have done it in private if you let me, but you were being so stubborn and in a rush that you wouldn't let me talk to you... so I did what I thought I had to. Even if it was misguided... It was with the best intentions," Tonks said in a rush of words as she shut Samara's office door behind her. She felt her cheeks turning pink. She hated apologizing, however, she cared about Samara and didn't want any hard feelings between them. She had put a lot of thought into what she would say to Samara, which was perhaps why her apology came out as eloquently as it did. Frankly she'd been saying it over and over in her head, but she was still surprised it came out so well, with only a minimal amount of stumbling.

Samara sighed as she took a seat behind her desk and motioned for Tonks to sit in the lone chair across form her desk. As much as she hated what had occurred and that now probably everyone in the order knew her fiance was cheating on her, she found that she couldn't stay mad at Tonks for it. Really, the girl had done it with the best intentions. Perhaps she should have simply talked to Tonks in private and she would have avoided the entire situation. Had she known that she would have to talk to Tonks about it anyway, she would have done so instead of trying to avoid the little metamorphmagus altogether.

"I know you meant the best Tonks, I'm sorry for snapping at you the way that I did. You don't deserve that, you were just trying to be a good friend," Samara said with a smile as she looked over at Tonks, who she had somehow forged a friendship with over the years. She smiled as she thought back to the days when Tonks was only a first and second year, and nothing more than a small runt she felt some obligation to protect and guide. She knew she really couldn't stay mad at Tonks even if she wanted to. She was really the only friend that she had, and she was glad and felt honored to have such a loyal friend. Samara never thought she'd have that in her life. Especially not when she was still a student at Hogwarts.

Tonks bit on her lip as she looked down. She had also come to talk to Samara about the things that Eric had told her, and why Samara hadn't mentioned anything about it to her, if they were friends she should have told her. However, now she wasn't so sure about bringing it up. She didn't want to upset Samara again. So for the moment, she decided to put it off and ask her about something else that was on her mind. "Samara, why didn't you say anything to me about the fact that Eric was cheating on you?" Tonks asked, wondering if Samara would bring up the fact that she had had her own infidelity, of which Tonks was quite curious of. She had never seen Samara interacting with many men and couldn't think of who it had been.

Samara frowned slightly. She couldn't say that she didn't expect this question. Actually, she rather expected a slew of questions and odd looks now that it was out that she and Eric was having problems. "I didn't think you'd understand why I would stay with Eric or not confront him immediately about it. You'd go with what you felt in your heart, without thinking about it rationally," Samara said, as she turned to look out the window. It was a rather bright and sunny day out, which she supposed shouldn't have been unexpected considering it was nearly the last week of May. "Besides, its embarrassing enough discussing it with the person you are with, to have to discuss it with people who don't know the ins and outs of your relationship."

Tonks frowned at this, she could see Samara's point considering everything that Eric had told her that she had not known before. From the outside, looking into their relationship everyone could see that Eric was absolutely in love with Samara, but if you knew Samara it was impossible to think that she would do anything that would hurt someone or was considered wrong. She was just such a sweet and caring person. Although, Tonks knew that Samara had a streak in her that was quite fierce and could cow anyone. She still remembered the dueling tournament and the fact that Samara at times absolutely slaughtered her opponents.

"Well... have you talked to Eric about it?" Tonks asked blushing. She wasn't sure if Eric would mention to Samara what she had done to him, but she didn't want Samara to be angry with her again.

"Yes, I did," Samara said, not really wanting to talk about it, but thinking that perhaps she should to get Tonks off both of their backs. "He said he ended his relationship with Lydia, but that he still has to work with her. And we agreed neither to postpone or cancel the wedding as its not until some point in August and... we hope to figure out then whether or not we still wish to marry each other," Samara said with a shrug of her shoulders as her eyes became unfocused. She knew she couldn't open up with Eric, and she wondered if Eric would continue to feel as strongly as he did when August came.

Tonks nodded at this, thinking that she had known her for years and knew that Samara tended to act with her head rather than her heart. It was a concept that Tonks really didn't understand. For a moment, she bit on her lip, wanting to ask Samara about the things that Eric had told her. She wasn't sure why she was bursting to know, and really she could help herself any longer. "Did you forgive Eric because you did the same thing?" Tonks blurted out suddenly, causing Samara's eyes to widen for a moment, wondering how she knew about that and if perhaps somehow she and Severus had gotten caught. She felt panic stir in her heart as she stared at Tonks and mentally told herself to remain calm.

"What are you talking about?" Samara asked slowly and cautiously, though she could feel all the blood drain from her face.

"Well.. I don't think Eric meant to, I guess he was just so angry that he blurted out that you had cheated on him and that you weren't having his baby, but that of another man who didn't want it," Tonks said, feeling her face flush. Samara felt as though she had just been hit with a stunning curse.

"He told you about that?" she whispered as her eyes unfocused. Merlin, that seemed like the cherry on top of everything. Soon the whole world would know she had cheated on her fiance and she was having another man's child. "Were you the only one-?"

"No... Kingsley and Lydia where there... but don't worry about it! You know Kingsley and I will have our mouths sealed. As for Lydia... if you ask me she already knew, because she wasn't exactly stunned by the revelation," Tonks said, knowing that Samara would probably worry about that getting around and how people would look at her for it.

Samara felt herself snap out of it and turn to look at Tonks, relieved about it. Yet she felt quite infuriated. How could Eric tell people about that? And she wondered just how long Lydia had known about the fact that she wasn't carrying Eric's child. The thought that the girl had known about it for months frankly infuriated her as it meant that clearly Eric felt more for Lydia then he had let on if he confided in her something so important and frankly something that should embarrass him as... well thinking of it objectively... Samara had made a cuckold of him.

"So?" Tonks said. Samara turned her gaze to look at Tonks. She furrowed her brow, for a moment having forgotten the question. However, when she recalled that she had been asked if she had forgiven Eric because now they were both in the same boat, she merely shook her head. However, she really didn't want to go into details about it. She'd had a hard enough time with Eric about it, besides, now she was thinking on what Eric had blurted and thinking that she had to have yet another damned talk with him.

Samara wanted to simply burry her head in her hands, but knew she couldn't do so with Tonks still there, who she knew had to be dying with more questions about that but she absolutely refused to talk about what happened with Severus to anyone. "Well Tonks, I have to get back to work. My shift started a while ago already and I haven't done anything yet. If the director finds out about this he won't hesitate to suspend me again, and I'm not quite sure how many more things I can get away with before he decides to sack me," Samara said as she stood.

Tonks, though not at all satisfied with this, merely nodded, not wishing to take anymore of Samara's time which she knew was really valuable. Standing up, Tonks allowed Sam to walk her to the door before smiling at Samara. "Wotcher, Sam," She said as she turned and bounced down the hall. Samara sighed as she closed the door, wondering when she would be able to get back to her normal life.

XX

When Samara got off work, she headed towards the Ministry of Magic, sure that Eric should barely be getting in. Though, she loathed the idea of speaking to him in public as she loathed the idea of anyone overhearing their private matters, she figured that she better get the discussion over with as soon as possible. However, as she stepped into the auror department and started walking towards Eric's cubicle, she felt many eyes turning to her and watching her progress.

Samara grit her teeth and continued walking as quickly and with as much dignity as she could muster, a task of some difficulty considering her pregnancy. However, she managed just fine, while simultaneously keeping her chin parallel to the ground and ignoring all the stares sent in her direction. Her mood became increasingly worse as she approached Eric's cubicle. She was only further annoyed when she reached it and found that he was not there, but not just that, saw who happened to be there.

Lydia was just putting on her auror robes, when she turned and found herself looking at Samara. She froze as she was fixing her robes' hood and stared with wide blue eyes at Samara. Samara slightly grimaced as Lydia cast her gaze down while she finished fixing her robes. "Hello Samara. I suppose you're here to see Eric. Well he's not here, he's having a word with the Minister," she said, not managing to make her tone as polite as she wanted it to be. It rather sounded bitter and almost annoyed as she looked up to find that Samara was raising a brow at her.

"Is that so, do you think that it will take long? I really would like to talk to him about something," Samara said cooly as she studied Lydia. She wondered just how close she and Eric had been, whether or not she knew that she and Eric had talked and were trying to work things out. She knew that Eric said he'd put things with her to an end, before they'd had their talk. However, she was mildly curious to know how Lydia felt about the whole thing.

Lydia gazed into Samara's eye and felt a chill run down her spine. She wasn't sure what it was about Samara that disconcerted her so. She didn't see how she could manage to keep her head and be so polite. She knew that Samara knew of the "affair", for lack of a better term, that she and Eric had. Why didn't she appear to be angry about it? How could Samara manage to speak to her without seeming even the least bit annoyed. In fact, if Samara was showing any emotion at all, it seemed nothing more than a benign sort of curiosity. She didn't even seem to be gloating about the fact that in the end, she'd won. Frankly it more than annoyed Lydia that she could be so... cavalier about the whole thing. "I wouldn't know," she replied, a little sharply.

Samara crossed her arms over her chest suddenly. "I'm going to put this very politely, but I'd be very grateful if you could refrain from being rude and try to be, in the very least, civil. I've retaliated against people, who have done far less than you have to me," Samara said in a very clear and crisp voice as she stared directly at Lydia who was beginning to try her patience.

Lydia was slightly taken aback by this and furrowed her brow over her yes as she suddenly crossed her arms over her own chest. "Is that a threat?" she asked as she looked at Samara. She couldn't quite figure out the girl that stood before her. She seemed like such a sweet person, and though Lydia was very much inclined to believe it was nothing more than a facade, Samara just seemed so sincere. However, she did things that didn't quite make any sense to her. She'd cheated on Eric and was having someone else's child, that did not go in accordance with a good person.

She pretty much was lying to the whole world by letting them believe she was having Eric's child, and Lydia supposed that she could understand not wanting everyone to think badly of her, or protecting her child form being called a bastard, but didn't that still mean she was lying? Didn't that make her a bad person? Lydia simply couldn't understand how people could like Samara as much as they did. She couldn't see how Eric could love her so much to forgive her everything that she had done. Was the world so blind? Or was Samara simply that good an enchantress?

Samara shrugged her shoulders and smiled lazily at Lydia. "You can take it as threat. I see it more of a warning. You should be grateful, I usually don't give warnings," Samara replied, her smile becoming a teasing one. She wasn't even sure if she meant it herself. Frankly, she really didn't hold what Lydia had done against her. She knew that the girl was in love with Eric, and couldn't really blame her for what she had done. Though love didn't particularly excuse everything, she understood what it was like to want something so much that she forgot to care for the consequences. She had been there so many times with Severus, and knew that in the face of her longing and love, that she could say to hell with everything as long as she had Severus.

However, she didn't particularly care for Lydia's morally superior attitude. Frankly she found it hypocritical. Samara could at least own up to all the mistakes she had made and acknowledge that she had faults and often could not control her anger, or her desire to take revenge on someone who caused her harm. She loathed it about herself, but she could own up to it and take responsibility for her actions even if she didn't necessarily feel sorry about what she had done. She supposed that it was terrible, that she should feel some remorse and guilt for what she had done, and while a part of her did feel a bit of remorse and guilt, she didn't feel it enough for it to bother her or make her regret her actions.

Momentarily, Lydia was at a loss for words. "I'm an auror, you don't frighten me," Lydia said as she looked at Samara, while straightening up her back so that she stood at her full height. Samara smiled.

"I didn't expect you to be," Samara said. Confusing Lydia all the more than she already was. She couldn't quite read Samara.

"How do you do that?" she asked in a tone that voiced her confusion and slight awe. Samara furrowed her brow and tilted her head to look at Lydia questioningly. "How do you... maintain a sweet tone even when you are threatening someone? It seems no matter what, you are sweet... are you simply that adept at pretending to be a sweet, good person?" Lydia asked, narrowing her eyes and Samara and looking slightly disgusted. Once more, like the time that she had seen Samara interact with Eric's sisters, she felt that Samara was really someone that was two-faced.

The smile Samara bore slipped away and she suddenly narrowed her gaze on Lydia. Lydia furrowed her brow as she saw the anger and fire in Samara's eyes. "I don't pretend to be anything but what I am," Samara said in a very cold tone that raised all the hairs on Lydia's body on end. "But my patience isn't infinite, not even close, and you are beginning to toe the line between my benevolence and my wrath.

"You think you're better than me because of what I've done to Eric? Take a good look in the mirror, Lydia. You had sex with a man who's engaged and you really could care less about me. Why? Because you were in love and that doesn't excuse what you have done. So stop trying to act like you're better than me because you're not, not in the slightest. Because at least I owned up to what I did, I was honest about it, to the only person I had to answer to and I had the decency to be sorry for the pain I caused him. But you? You're not in the slightest bit remorseful for any of it, are you?" Samara ranted in a low tone so only Lydia could hear, feeling absolutely livid. Her patience had just run out and it took all her willpower not to pull out her wand and hex Lydia to oblivion.

Lydia felt all the heat rush into her face in embarrassment. She wasn't sure how someone could verbally strike a person. Lydia almost flinched as though she had been truly slapped across the cheek. She wasn't sure how a pregnant woman could be so intimidating, and for bloody sakes, she was an Auror. Thought Lydia could see a valid point to what Samara said, and felt embarrassed that she was right, she didn't want to admit it, especially not to Samara. Straightening up and gathering her courage, she willed her shame away and looked directly into the girl opposite of her's eyes. "I think there's a huge difference. I'm not the one who's engaged, you are! Besides, if you're so honest, why don't you share with Eric? What are you hiding?"

Samara narrowed her gaze at Lydia. She knew about that too? "Because apparently I can't even trust him to keep his mouth shut about matters that only concern us," Samara said through gritted teeth.

"He had every right to. He's in the relationship too. You're dragging his reputation through the mud, he has a right to explain himself," Lydia snapped back angrily. Their conversation, up to that point, had been relatively quiet, however, people passing by and around couldn't help looking at them and watching intently. Samara doubted that the bystanders could hear what they were saying very well but the situation was beginning to escalate and she was sure that it wasn't a great idea that she remain speaking to Lydia much longer.

"I did no such thing! I gave Eric the option to walk away on various occasions! Us getting back together was entirely his idea and he was the one that led everyone to believe this was his child, not me," Samara hissed in a low tone as she stepped very close to Lydia and leaned over so their faces were only inches apart.

"Oh and what, he twisted your arm? You went along with it, because it was to your convenience, so to all the world you wouldn't look like a harlot!" Lydia hissed back heatedly, also keeping her tone to barely above a whisper. She wasn't about to back down and she didn't care of to all the world she appeared a mouse being bared down by a poisonous snake. She would prove that she wasn't!

"I couldn't care less what the world thinks of me, I just don't think its any of their business. And if I went along with it, it was to give my child a father because I don't want my child to live though what I did. I can't give my child the father I'd want him to have, but Eric is an outstanding man and he'll be a good father," Samara said, some of her anger melting away as her mind drifted somewhere morose.

Lydia furrowed her brow at what Samara said. She felt her own expression soften as she saw the sad look on Samara's face. Momentarily, she wondered what on earth Samara had gone through to want a good father so desperately for her child. "Not having a father isn't the end of the world," Lydia whispered softly.

Samara's gaze focused on the girl before her, staring at her with blue eyes that suddenly showed sincere concern. She stepped back. "Was your father there? Was he good, attentive, loving, and protective? Or was he too busy for you? Did he neglect you? Or did he pass away when you were young, before you had a chance to know him?"

"He was just there," Lydia said, confused. "Like any father."

Samara glared at Lydia in envy. "You had a charmed childhood, that you can take for granted that you had father. Mine abandoned me before I was born. But if only that had been the worst thing he did because every time he came back into my life, it seemed to be torn to pieces... and I'm not going to let that happen to my child," Samara said in a whisper as her eyes filled with tears of resentment as she wondered what she had done to have deserved that... and this girl to have deserved better.

Samara turned away and left, feeling a bitterness that for years she had tried so desperately to be free of... bitterness she tried to quell before it accumulated to the point that it poisoned her soul. She needed fresh air, she needed to get away... it seemed more important than the shame of having spilled some of the darkness that tried to choke her at random throughout her life... it hadn't managed before, and she couldn't allow it to now. She needed to breathe and lay it to rest. She wouldn't allow it to win. She wouldn't allow him to kill all the sweetness she tried to hold on to all her life. She wouldn't let life's disappointment and pain to turn her into her father.

XX

Severus watched with mild horror as Samara collapsed. Her dark hair, which had been loose, seemed stringy and greasy, almost similar to his. Her pearly white skin was slowly becoming pale as the red tint faded. Her skin was covered with a light sheen of sweat. He could see beads of sweat making thin rivers that traveled down her neck and disappeared beneath the neckline of the robes she wore. Though her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily, her face looked more relaxed than it had previously been as she tried to calm her breathing pattern.

He stared at her in concern, however, his attention was called away by the screams of a child. "Would you like to hold him?" a voice asked, floating to him through a fog. Severus could barely tear his gaze away from Samara as a screaming bundle was placed in his arms. Slowly, he tore his gaze away to stare at the child in his arms, who was steadily quieting his screams to whimpers.

For a moment, his breath caught in his throat as he stared down at the child. It had been cleaned and wrapped up in a white blanket. As his screams and whimpers quieted down to nothing, he could see the child's color going from red to pasty white. A surprisingly large tuft of black hair covered its small little head. For the moment, his brows were hardly visible and his soft features, seemed indistinct. However, as the child cloudy gaze looked right at him, showing off a dark gaze, Severus felt his heart begin to pound.

He wasn't sure why he suddenly felt as though he were complete and the world were a marvelous place. He thought he'd never want to see Samara's child, and he thought that if he ever did see it, he would loathe it, just as he had loathed the Potter brat. His heart beat erratically as he stared at the child in his arms. It was so small and fragile, Severus felt his heart expanding with affection the likes he had never felt before for a child. He'd never seen such a perfection and he was astonished that the child merely looked up at him, quiet and docile as a lamb. This had to be what love at first sight was.

Slowly, Severus tore his gaze away and looked towards Samara. He was surprised to see that her eyes were open and watching him curiously. The expression on her face was a mixture of hope and fear, but was dead serious. Suddenly, Severus could see everything clearly and he took a deep breath, feeling relief floor through all his being as he gazed back down at the child. He understood why he felt that this child completed him. He understood why this child made him feel like he had done SOMETHING of importance in his life when nothing else had and why he felt so damn protective of it.

This was HIS. This child was a part of Samara, but it was also a part of HIM. Eric Williamson was not the father of this child. It was his and Severus knew it deep down in his heart, in his soul. Every drop of blood in him told him that little boy was his. However, he felt he needed to ask but he felt dread to do so and find that it was his hopes that were misleading him. "Samara... is he mine?" Severus exhaled as he looked back to her.

Samara raised a brow and looked astonished by his question. Tears began gathering in her eyes. "I suppose its true what they say, blood really does call to blood," Samara said. Severus let go of the breath he suddenly realized he'd been holding it. Turning his gaze back to the child in his arms, HIS son, Severus felt tears gathering in his eyes as he lowered his head so he could place it nearer to his sons. As he breathed in deep, he felt at peace as he smelled the baby's sweet scent. If this were a dream, Severus never wanted to awaken.

Unfortunately, dreams never last long. Slowly, Severus felt his conscious seeping in, despite the darkness that surrounded him. He groaned as he dug his head underneath his pillow and clenched it around his head as though he were trying to keep a firm grasp on the lovely dream he'd been having. However, it didn't work. The ache in his heart told him as much as his head suddenly came alive with a slew of reprimands.

How could he allow himself to foolishly hope for something that was completely out of his grasp? How could he wish the child that Samara carried to be his, when he perfectly well knew that it wasn't and that it could never be? That if it were, life would become so impossibly difficult for him. However, he couldn't control what he dreamt. And every night, since he'd last seen Samara, he'd had the same recurrent dream. He supposed it was because his heart's deepest desire had become to have a family with Samara.

His hearts deepest desire... Severus groaned as he shut his eyes tight. There was no avoiding thoughts of Samara. These words reminded him of finding the mirror or Erised... of seeing Samara inside, holding his hand. Every word of that memory was engrained inside his head and how could they not be? That was the night, that for no reason at all, he couldn't contain himself anymore and he told Samara, however indirectly, that he loved her and wanted her in his life. And she, much to his amazement, admitted to feeling similarly... to seeing him as well.

Severus sighed as he climbed out of bed, thinking it best to not think of by simply getting a start on his day. After showering quickly and dressing, Severus left the dungeons to wander about the castle. It was still very early in the morning, and being as it was about the third week of May, the castle was warm and though it was still early in the morn, the sun had traveled high in the sky, enough to light all the hallways with its warm light.

There was still about an hour before breakfast, and Severus wasn't sure that he would be able to stomach anything as of yet. So he merely took to wandering the halls, trying desperately hard not to think about his dreams or Samara. However, that was near that her wedding, which he knew was pushed back to some day in August, though he didn't know the exact date, came ever closer. The thought tortured him, almost as much as the words that she had said. She had given up on him, on them.

He wasn't exactly sure why that bothered him so much. He knew that it was bound to happen and that it was for the best, for her. However, it made him sick to think of. He had never gotten over her, and he knew he never would. He wanted and desired to be with her from the very bottom of his heart, but he head a mission to complete. His life was not his to live and enjoy until he'd completed it, and he wasn't even sure he would survive to live his life after all was said and done. Besides, he saw no end in sight as of yet. No favorable end at least and even if there was, it was for the wizarding world and not for him. Life thus far had taught him that any happiness to be had, was for him, only fleeting and only led to more pain. He was not meant to be happy. He was not meant to enjoy life.

TBC...

A/n: Sorry about the long wait for this chapter, but anyway please Review and tell me what you think.