Disclaimer: Mmhmm. Wasn't chapter 17 loooooong?
Rosalie: Not as long as your internal organs will be if you don't disclaim properly.
Bitch. I don't own.
Rosalie: -huffs and walks off-
She's just ragging because I can drive a car like that in real life… I'd just do it without people, without houses, and with myself wrapped in bubble wrap in a car that can't tip over :D
Rosalie: -peers around the corner and glares-
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
C/A: I was given a few good ideas for little bits of stuff to do, and one of them I won't do because it makes me feel weird thinking about writing it, and I really don't want to act it out. HAHA! Freedom as the creative writer, scriptwriter, and director allow me more freedom! YAY! I think I'm getting the hang of it.
Anyway: Thank you Tahnee for your idea, and as much as it made me almost urinate in my pants, I think we'll just laugh about it at the store.
AliceVampire: My stalker, fan, reviewer, idea bunny, Twitter friend and other type of friend stuff: Remember what we talked about in the PM's? Oh yeah! That's right. ;P
Chapter 19: A condescending manner
"What are you talking about, Lillian?" Carlisle had turned all his attention to me and Emmett threw me a dirty look before turning back to the TV. Hayley and Kate were suppressing laughter, I could tell from their bunched muscles.
"Could use out… no. Not a bitch. Could use the sink…." I looked towards the kitchen and bit my lip, my face furrowed in a slight panic. It wasn't going to wait. Nature had a way of making itself known whenever it damn well pleased.
"They wouldn't have one." I looked back at Carlisle and poked my tongue out slightly in a thoughtful manner.
"What is wrong?" Carlisle asked, getting ready to stand up. I held up a hand quickly.
"DON'T MOVE!"
I ran out of the room.
Carlisle's POV
One minute the girl was fine. The next, she was plotting. And then, she just turned into an outright lunatic. Alice would have looked pretty much normal compared to her in her human life. Seeing visions of the future was nothing compared to the insanity that seemed to be breeding like wildfire in Lillian's mind. The current situation only proved it. Perhaps her concussion ran a lot deeper than what I thought it had, I should probably take her to the hospital and get her a brain scan.
Rosalie's POV
That vile, vile, VILE human child. Even with vampire speed it still took me an hour to find all my brushes, and Edward wasn't exactly a great help. Finally the last one! Now I can put in my vanity, lock it, lock the bedroom door and…
Living Room
"WHAT THE FUCK! ESME!"
"SHUT UP ROSALIE! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
The sound of a tap running drifted into the living room along with the screaming match between Lillian and Rosalie. The three vampires and two humans all looked at the door, the TV momentarily forgotten until Hayley laughed and turned back to the TV, followed shortly by Kate.
"NOT YOUR FAULT!? EVERYTHING IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!"
"I CAN'T CONTROL NATURE WHORESALIE!"
Within moments of that last scream, Lillian dove into the living room, zipped up the zipper on a new pair of jeans and tried to hide behind Emmett.
Rosalie followed her in, she looked livid.
Lillian's POV
Oh god! I was going to die. What the fuck was her problem anyway? Didn't she understand human needs? No, that's right, I forgot, she'd a vaaaaaampire, she doesn't have human needs.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE LAUNDRY IS!"
I peered over the couch behind Emmett's shoulder. She surely wouldn't risk hitting her own husband just to get to me. I mean, it's not my fault I didn't know where the laundry was… but it was good fortune that a pair of jeans happened to be laying across the counter… Alice, she knew… She had to have known!
"And it's not our fault you can't hold it in!"
"Well I certainly wasn't going to use a tree!"
"ROSALIE! LILLIAN!" Carlisle was standing now, probably wanting to know exactly what the problem was. "If you two are going to continue to bicker, I'm going to send you, Lillian, to Charlie's house."
"Oooh. Such a vicious threat Carlisle. Charlie would have me back here in half an hour."
"I honestly don't doubt it." I think he meant to mumble that, but he said it loud enough that Kate and Hayley at the same time rolled over laughing, holding their sides, and I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Don't give me that look. Now, what's going on?"
"She can't hold it in!" Rose yelled instantly. Emmett looked back at me before he started laughing.
"I'm still holding it in!" I yelled, holding my legs tightly closed.
Emmett and Jasper jumped off the couch and were on the other side of the room in moments, Hayley and Kate had evolved from vocal laughing, to that kind when you're trying to breath, laugh and not die at the same time, their faces were red from the effort.
"It's not funny! I reeeeeeally gotta go and I don't know where the toilet is and if you hold it in it comes out and I couldn't help it… then I didn't know where the laundry was so I took my pants off and put them in the sink and turned on the water and Rosalie came in and stopped me. WHAT A BITCH!"
Carlisle looked from me, to Rosalie, then back at me. "Third door on the right. Rose, explain."
I missed Rosalie's explanation as I bolted out of the room and followed Carlisle's directions. It was like a room on it's own. There was even enough space to put a bed! But I wasn't interested in the space.
…
…
…
Now that was refreshing. I walked out of the bathroom, wiping my hands on the jeans and headed back for the living room to see what had elapsed since I left. Rosalie and Hayley had left, but the others were still there. Well, time for some fun! I rubbed my hands together eagerly before I put them over my stomach protectively and put on a face of pain.
"Caaaarlisle! I don't feel so good."
Carlisle turned around and looked at me, and my slightly hunched position and I had to fight to keep in the laugh. His pretty face didn't look at all fazed, but I figured he was matching "not feeling good" with several diagnosis's. One of them probably being 'Intense schizophrenia with a compulsion to be over dramatic, annoying and a general pain in the ass'. Good thing he could only admit me for one of those.
"Does it hurt?"
Oh shit. I probably should have thought of this before hand, but I was an actress! Time to improvise with what I knew. I nodded glumly and he turned to follow me as I sat down on a couch.
"Where?"
What was with all the fucking questions! "Here." I moaned painfully as I tapped the part of the body just under the stomach. Carlisle seemed to pale slightly, but who knew, it could have been the lighting. His brow furrowed for a moment and I took the time to quickly run through what I knew about my 'condition'. Cramping… that was the one I knew most about… what else, what else! Ah! Yes. Of course! I started shifting on the chair, trying to find a comfortable position. In all honesty, I was comfortable whatever position I was in, but I had to make it all look real. I furrowed my brow and stared at my legs angrily as I shifted again. I noticed Carlisle look up at me from his seat and I had to look away before I lost the façade. I turned to the TV.
"Why do you watch this crap? It's just a whole bunch of guys needing a reason to be gay with each other!" I said it as irritably as possible and Kate and Emmett looked at me as if I said the world was burning to the ground.
"Wrestling is an art!" Emmett defended. I scowled at him.
"It's dumb. And the 'moves' all have stupid names. What are they? Rednecks?"
"HEY! I'm a redneck!" Jasper looked over at me now and was frowning as well. Two birds with one stone, awesome.
"Well that certainly explains a lot." I snarled and went back to shifting in my spot as the three looked back at the TV, looking somewhat miffed now.
"GAH! I feel so fat!" I pushed out my stomach and leant back into the couch, running a hand over my gut. "Carlisle, do you think I'm fat?" I looked up at Carlisle innocently, yet with an irritated look.
"No. In fact, you could stand to gain a few kilos." He said it slowly, contemplating the placement and tone of each word carefully.
"SO YOU'RE SAYING I'M TOO THIN! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?! Doctor I don't care!" I looked back my stomach and ran a hand over it again before shifting my weight. "I feel so fat. I need to jog more… and do more sit ups. Emmett, do I look fat?" I looked up at Emmett with the same look I gave Carlisle and he looked around nervously. "YOU THINK I'M FAT?!"
"NO! No… you look… great!" Emmett turned back to the TV quickly and I smiled lightly, but quickly turned and scowled at Carlisle. "At least Emmett doesn't think I'm fat." I hissed under my breath.
"I don't think you're fat." Carlisle repeated softly, trying his fatherly-yet-doctorly tone.
"That's what you say now. It's because I'm not a vampire… isn't it! ADMIT IT!" I yelled at Carlisle, working the tone up into a very good yell. Emmett looked over at us and nudged Jasper. "Well, I'm hungry."
I stood up quickly, face entirely smoothed out and almost happy, remembering quickly that I was supposed to be uncomfortable and in pain. I groaned and rubbed my stomach before heading into the kitchen.
Esme wasn't in here, which was slightly disheartening. It was hard to annoy someone when they weren't in front of you… mostly. Maybe… maaaaybe. I started scouting the kitchen instantly and intently. They had to have some, it was put into some meals… and Renesmee ate!
Oh… wait. Her dad was a prude. I stopped for a moment and looked up, right into Jasper's gold eyes.
"Gotta be here somewhere." I said dismissively and started looking again. Jasper made no attempt at being quiet as he sat down and I started re-opening the cupboard doors again.
"Why don't you tell me what you're looking for. I'm sure I could help you."
Don't listen to him. He was the enemy. The redneck enemy. Hang on. I looked up at Jasper for a moment and squinted my eyes at him. Rednecks had it so in stock they never ran out… no! He was still the enemy. I looked back through the cupboards.
"I'm sure you could. As to whether or not you would is a different story." I turned around quickly, shutting the cupboard behind me and looked at the pantry. I don't know why it would be in there, but these were vampires. Hardly logical when it came to human stuff and how to store it. I opened the pantry and walked in, shutting it just as Jasper reached out to take hold of the door. He walked in anyway when I moved away from the door and I started scanning the shelves, moving stuff around. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper lean against the shelf nonchalantly.
"What do you want?"
"I want to know why you're so agitated… and why you're doing whatever it is you're doing."
I couldn't help it. I laughed. "Agitated because you won't leave me alone. Doing it cuz I can." I was about to turn back until the light from outside cast a ray of shine onto a very familiar surface and my happiness factor rose exponentially. Jasper turned around and looked where I was looking. Oh crap.
"SUGAR!" I tried pushing him out the way to get to the container of flour that was conveniently on the other side of him also. He just looked at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Ahhh…. Mmmm-MAKING PANCAKES!"
Jasper looked at me oddly. "Liar."
"Do you really want the truth?"
"I don't think so."
"Good. Then jump back on your high horse and muster up the cattle, redneck." I frowned at Jasper and pushed him again (still to no affect) and tried to stare him down as he frowned back at me.
"Stop calling me a redneck."
"Emo."
"Or that."
"Emu."
"That's a bird."
"Emu's can't fly."
"Still a bird."
"Turkey."
"Also a bird."
"… Fuck you."
"You wish." Jasper smirked and crossed his arms. He hadn't moved at all. Two could play at that game. It was like the tango, or the Waltz. Or, any dance really.
"That I do." I smirked back. It unsettled Jasper instantly and I bit the corner of my lip before I looked him up and down. He was gone in seconds. I rubbed my hands together and grinned. Back to my previous mission.
45 minutes later with no vampire interaction, locked in a pantry with many a strange food stuffs.
I couldn't stop giggling and I didn't know why, but that made it even funnier. All I'd said was sugar… another burst of laughter. Maybe I should leave the pantry and try and find Kate and Hayley. Then we could… laugh together. I gripped the edge of one of the shelves and pulled my self up, collapsing against it in a fit of more giggles when I was up. The beverage rushed to my head and made my eyes swim with a milky color before settling down into fogged up vision. Like looking into a mirror after having a hot shower and all the steam is almost evaporated. I waited for a few seconds until the initial dizziness faded and turned for the door. It didn't seem that far away, but intoxicated, everything seems simpler.
After another ten minutes of navigating the kitchen, I made my way into the living room. Jasper wasn't in there, but that was okay, because Renesmee and Jacob were! I giggled loudly and tripped over… something. Everything was so cool and slow when intoxicated. Neither Jacob or Nessie moved, I could tell. But, I didn't care. I was having too much fun laughing as I finally righted myself onto my hands and knees.
"Dampshire and vapehifter in looooove." I started laughing again and rolled onto my side for a moment. "Kick the duuust. Get maaaarried!" I peered over the couch slowly, searching for Renesmee and Jacob before I could even see over the material. They were looking at me strangely.
"An'chu call me feared." I snorted before I laughed again.
"Nessie-"
"GRANDMA!"
Jacob flinched when Nessie called for Esme. But there was nothing he could do as she was in the room in moments. She seems to suss out the situation immediately.
"I wanna stay in here and talk to Nessie and Jacob!" I said, trying my damn hardest not to slur or sway at the same time. I could just imagine the expression I was wearing… and I did. That didn't help my predicament any as I collapsed laughing again.
"IZA SHAPESHIFTER and a half-breeeeeeed."
"DON'T CALL HER A HALFBREED!" Jacob was standing up and yelling before I got a chance to register it, and Esme was retaliating by pointing outside before I had a chance to react. Whatever. I suddenly felt really tired and shook my head. Esme picked me up.
"Time to get you to bed." She said softly.
"NO! I… I… Ummm…"
"Yes?"
Why did she always have to be so nice and motherly? I wish she'd been my mum.
"I don't need to sleep."
Something suddenly made me feel very sleepy… and feel like I was on a boat. That was about when I noticed that Esme had started humming and was trying to rock me to sleep. That sobered me up some. NO VAMPIRE WOULD MAKE ME FALL ASLEEP! I twisted in her arms and would have fallen out if she hadn't been so damn fast.
"LET ME GO! I DON'T WANNA GO TO SLEEP!"
"You're drunk. You have to sleep."
"I wonder why I'm drunk."
"You drank alcohol."
I rolled my eyes and pushed away from her. This time she let me go slowly and as soon as my feet touched the ground I steppe backwards… and fell over the couch. I was laughing by the time I got onto the floor again and stood up slowly.
"Well, this has been fun, but I have to go smash some vases now."
I dropped the happy smile and laughing instantly and saw Esme's face changed from loving to something resembling deranged.
"You will not. If you want to act like that, go outside and smash a tree."
I paused for a moment, contemplating. That sounded like fun. But why do that when I could go and play on a piano?
"I think I want to play on a piano."
Esme straightened up and glared at me. "Outside. Now."
"I won't break it! I do know how to play the piano!!!" I yelled at her. It probably came out slightly slurred to her, but to me it made perfect sense. I started to walk off, but Esme stood in the way.
"You're too drunk to do anything but slur and stumble. You need to sleep."
"I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M FUCKING READY!" I yelled and turned back around to face the window. She was there probably before I was even halfway.
"I think you have some deep-seated physiological issues that you need to sort out. And that's why you got drunk."
"Yes. Deep seated. I hate you. I hate being here. I hate everything. Oh woe is me!" She was getting me more sober by the second. How was I supposed to fuck up Edward's piano and have full recollection of it? That wasn't how it was supposed to be… waaait a second. This was her plan! Get me angry, get me sober, then get me to fall asleep.
"Well you're here. You may as well try and make the best of it."
I stood right up to Esme's face and glared at her. "Oh don't you worry, I am." I turned around and started walking, she wasn't in my way, so I assumed she'd either stayed where she was or left so quickly I didn't see her. Either way, I was going to calm down and do some psychological damage of my own… starting with Edward's piano.
There was a lot of musical stuff in this room. I always thought Edward only owned a piano. Oh how wrong I'd been. I got to play with maracas, tambourines, a guitar and drums. Maybe it was just the piano that Edward owned. Either way, I sat at it now and it felt very nice. The wood work was so precise and intricate and it smelt very woodsy. I opened up the thing that protected the ivory and ebony keys and pressed G. That wasn't very interesting. I started playing one of the only songs I knew how to play - Angel. It was so nice and soft and melodic and calming. I got sick of it halfway through and looked around at the room. All the instruments I'd already played with were trashed around the room and even the drum set hadn't remained together. But the one thing that really stood out amongst it all was the bucket of paint on the other side of the room, half hidden beneath a symbol. I grinned broadly. Maybe I did want to remember this.
I jumped off the stool and leapt over a bass that was next to the piano and moved around the other various and interesting musical items until I reached the paint tin. I threw the symbol behind me and picked up the brush that was on top of the tin. This was just too good to be true. I looked at the color on the tin. Oh yeah, this was good. I picked up the tin, with a bit of difficulty because it was full and dragged it back over to the piano. I looked around the room for five minutes to find something to get the lid off with and settled on a drum stick. Surprisingly, it worked. I dipped the drum stick in and swirled the paint around until it was thick and gluggy and then dipped the brush in. This was too good.
Twenty minutes later I was wondering why none of the vampires had tried to find me. It wasn't often they left me alone this many times in a day. Oh well, then anything I did was their fault. I stepped back away from the piano, finally finished, and admired my handy work. Painting it had made me mostly sober, now I just felt really happy and buzzed. And there was still about a quarter of the tin left. I think this color would go nicely with…. Silver. I smirked and picked up the paint tin before I ran out and down the hallway.
Into the GARAGE! I slammed the door shut behind me and looked around. If Alice so much as stopped me… I locked the door and started to run over to Edwards car when a line of paint tins on the other side of the room and changed course and ran over to that first. I propped the hot pink paint I was holding onto the floor and looked through the colors on the floor. Yep… yep… oh excellent! That would be a good color. It took about five minutes to get the paint tins spread out and opened. I dipped the paint brush, I let the excess drip off… I slashed the paint through the air… and it missed the Volvo completely. Instead, it landed on Rosalie's convertible. Oh, fuck. Actually, oh well. I dipped the brush in again and turned from Edward's shiny car to Rosalie's red one. I slashed the paint through the air again and it made a very nice streak effect. Running back to the tins, I repeated the process several times before both sides of the car, plus the bonnet were streaked, circled and almost unrecognizable. I turned to Edward's car. It was the reason I was in here after all. I walked back to the tins, dropped the brush and picked up the blue tin, smirking as I walked back over to the Volvo. I rested the tin on the roof and climbed up after it, lifted the tin up and started to tip it over the roof. I stepped forward onto the front and let the paint come out in a big splat right on the front of Edward's car. Now for the back! I turned around and dragged the paint across the roof in circles before I turned again and let it run down the sides. When the paint was almost empty, I got off the car and put the paint next to Alice's car, and got the green and purple paint, doing the same thing to Edward's car that I'd done with the blue paint. It was all over in seconds. Mission accomplished… even Carlisle's car had a little bit of a paint job. Now! For the last touch.
3 hours later
A very loud, piercing scream was heard from the garage and a shudder ran up through my spine. I shrunk into the seat a little and picked at my finger.
"ALICE! GET IN HERE!"
A couple of seconds later, another, even loud shriek rang through the house. I jumped up and ran into the pantry before they could find me. This wasn't going to end well.
"EDWARD!"
Oh fuck fuck fuck.
"CARLISLE!"
I stepped out of the pantry, no way I was going to be hidden in there. It didn't matter anyway. Three seconds after leaving the pantry four angry vampires were standing in front of me.
"JACOB DID IT!" I yelled reflexively.
"And you just so happen to have the exact same colors splattered on your clothes?"
I looked down at my shirt and pants. I looked like an artwork. "He got me too?"
"You're pushing this too far."
"God thing Edward hasn't seen his piano then."
Edward's face dropped and he disappeared in a moment. Oh shit. A few seconds later his anguished cry rang through the house and Carlisle's eyes turned black.
"This is too far. You're going to Charlie's house."
"You don't like the color purple, do you?"
"That's not the point. You gave three cars a full paint job. You have no discipline and I'm not taking any excuses, you're going to Charlie's house."
I turned around to run and found myself cradled underneath Carlisle's arm. Alice was holding Rosalie back and I could hear Edward sobbing in the music room.
"NOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA GO TO CHARLIE'S HOUSE! HE DRINKS BEER!"
"I don't care."
"But that's not fair!"
"What's not fair is that you destroyed our cars."
"Not yours.. . Much."
"Yes. Much. Half of my car has purple on it, Lillian."
"Well now it's just pretty."
By now I was strapped into the seat and we were already out of the garage. This was not funny. Not in the slightest!
"It cuz you think I'm fat… isn't it?"
Carlisle frowned and looked at me for a moment.
"I've rung Charlie. He knows what to expect of you."
"Did you tell him about the joyride?"
I looked happily at the steering wheel and Carlisle's fingers tightened around the leather.
"Yes."
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" I pulled the seatbelt out as far as it would go and screaming in Carlisle's ear. "NOW HE'S GOING TO BE MEAN!"
"That's not my fault."
"It will be." I snarled softly and sat back down again to continue glaring at him for the rest of the trip.
"You won't be going to school. No-one trusts you going there… especially on your own. But you'll stay there for a week and we'll see how you are after the week is finished."
"And for the second time you bastards leave me somewhere without Edwardo! You think you'd fucking learn!"
Carlisle sighed audibly and I crossed my arms and turned away from him.
"House full of air." Was all he whispered before the car started slowing down.
I could see the double story white building looming in front of the black, and now purple, Mercedes. Charlie stood on the front porch, arms folded, trying to hide his expression of annoyance. Granted that annoyance seemed mild. I was definitely in for a "proper driving etiquette" lecture. (This tv show went from Red Rain to humans coming from space, and then somehow tied it all in with the Red Rain…. Wtf?) Carlisle walked slowly around the car while I sat where I was grumpily. I didn't want to get out. Carlisle opened the door.
"FINE!" I yelled and slipped under his arm to face Charlie. Well, if I was here, I might as well make the most of it.
"Hi Charlie. We're going to have fun."
YAY! ANOTHER ONE IN THE WEEK! I'm keen for the next two chapters, so they'll come out a lot quicker than these last two.
Don't watch the documentary channel! They talk about aliens.
Happy reading.