This was written as part of the last chapter but it made more sense to keep it separate.
Next chapter isn't even started yet so don't get used to this pace!
And for those of you getting drama whiplash - like I said, this is the end of the drama, they'll either get through this or they won't, no more relationship booby traps. Love you all!
Dear Bella,
I got here last night, it was a long drive from Forks, but it was OK, mostly it was just cold. When I got here they took my keys and my bag and told me I could have it back when I left. At least they let me keep my clothes right? So, I have a roommate who seems ok, his name is Dimitri and he's here for different reasons from me but I'm not allowed to tell you that. That's the first thing they tell us, you know, it's confidential and shit. I feel like I joined the Masons or some kind of addict Fight Club but its good I guess.
I know you don't want to hear from me but I'm not ready to stop trying. I just hope you don't throw this away, because I don't have a computer and my handwriting sucks so this took like 5 tries to get right.
So today I have to do all of the admission shit they set up, I get to meet the shrink and then get a physical. Then I meet with my counselor and go over everything and set up a plan or something. I heard there's group therapy and classes and stuff.
Sam knows one of the guys here so he got me in under one of their free slots so I can be here for a while without my Dad freaking about what it costs and if Sam says it's good I'm willing to try. I don't know what they'll have to say other than I'm a fuck-up, but you and I already know that, right?
Ok, well, it's time for morning group, so I have to go and introduce myself or something.
I'll write more soon
I love you Bella
Jake
Dear Bella,
This place sucks. The kids here are fucking nuts. Like, at dinner, we had meatloaf but weren't allowed to have knives because some of these psychos can't be trusted. I did my intake eval or some shit and they didn't tell me anything, just kept asking me questions and writing things down, I already know all that shit, I don't need to do the talking! No turn my head and cough though so that's good.
Today I went to group and it was OK, but seriously, some of these kids are fucked up, like abused and serious problems. I feel like the poster child for addiction around here, like, here's Jake, see if you can be only as fucked up as he is! So instead of getting anything to do I get to go on a walk. My afternoon "activity" was a fucking walk.
It was ok I guess, it's quiet outside here and it's warm enough to actually wander around but I thought I was coming here to get better, not get exercise. There's a really cool old tree here that's a Banyan tree or something that I could climb really high and see out over the grounds. Tomorrow I'm just going to go there I think.
I think about you all the time. I don't know if you're even reading my letters but I hope you are. I miss you.
I love you
Jake
Dear Bella,
This is my 5th day here and I'm starting to get a little stir crazy. I don't know what you're doing and I don't know if you're getting my letters but you're in my head so I keep writing. I just started the skills program here. I guess I'm doing better because that's like the next stage. I still have therapy and group everyday but now instead of processing me so much I'm supposed to be learning how to deal with shit I guess. Today made me think of you. It was all about how to avoid fights. Do you realize that we fought almost every day about something? That can't be good.
There's a lot of God talk here too which is a little weird, but its ok I guess. I mean, they talk about being responsible to people and God and that kind of makes sense. I haven't really been very responsible the past year. What with Leah and stuff. I thought I was being responsible when I decided not to drink any more but I didn't really think about it much more then that, you know?
Well, tomorrow we're starting in on anger management. Maybe I can figure out how to talk about this stuff better before I come back. I miss you. I hope you're doing ok and school's alright. I don't know what everyone there thinks I'm doing but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm not supposed to care about that I guess. But it's a little embarrassing to think everyone knows I'm here. I probably deserve that though.
I love you Bella, please believe that
Jake
Dear Bella,
I got to talk to my Dad today. I haven't seen him or heard from him since I got here. He seems happy that I came. I guess he's just glad to know someone is helping me. I think he was more worried about me then he said. You know it's hard though, it's just him and me and I've been doing all the adult stuff for so long, I forget sometimes that I'm supposed to just be the kid.
I've been talking about my mom here a lot and how my sisters just left. I never hear from them, even here, I don't know if they even know I'm in here or if they'd care. I don't know if I'd even want to talk to them at this point if they did. You know, they never came or called after everything with Leah. My dad barely talked to me by then anyway, he was already mad at me before she ever even got pregnant.
Am I allowed to talk about this stuff with you? I guess it doesn't matter since you haven't written back and probably just shred my letters when you get them.
I started drinking with Leah, when we first started dating. I could steal my Dad's stash easy and just hide in the garage. Plus the store would sell it to me even though they shouldn't because of Dad being in the chair. So, you know, waking up hung over in the garage is something that happened more then it should have. I know it doesn't really make any difference but that's the only thing that made me call you Leah. It wasn't that I thought you were her or wanted her to be there. Fuck Bella, I wish you'd write back.
I miss you so much, it's hard to sleep sometimes. Dimitri's getting really tired of hearing about you. He's got some shit of his own that I don't really get so we talk and end up totally confused by each other. He's a good guy though. I think you'd like him.
Ok, well, I'll write more soon,
I love you
Jake
Dear Bella,
Today I'm writing you from one of my classes instead of from my room or the Banyan tree. I've realized that the time I spend writing to you is a part of what I'm supposed to be doing here. Today we're talking about making amends and I know I have a lot to make-up for, to you, my Dad, and Leah especially. In a lot of ways not being able to make amends to them is what led to me needing to with you.
Maybe if I'd been able to tell them I was sorry and work on fixing those relationships more openly I would have been the person you deserved. I'm still not, but I'm not going to stop trying.
Bella, I am sorry for shutting you out. I am sorry for always putting myself above you. I am sorry I didn't listen. I am sorry that my fear stopped me from trusting you and loving you with all of my heart.
I do not know how to fix what I have done to what we could have been, but I'm not going to stop trying. I will be the person you deserve and I will love you forever.
I love you Bella, I'm always here if you need me
Jake
Jacob,
Thank you for your letters. I have been reading them. I'm sorry I didn't write back until now, I wasn't sure what to say. I'm still not, but, I felt like I owed you at least that.
Things here are going OK. School is winding down and everyone is freaking out about prom and finals. I've been spending a lot of time with Alice and Edward but some down in La Push too. Angela and Quil have gotten really tight and Mike has been working on wearing down Leah's reserve. I don't know if I can talk about her with you either, but I guess we're going to have to figure out how. She's a great person. I can see why you care about her.
Paul has left La Push. I guess Sam had a talk with him and when he didn't deny what happened Sam told him not to come to the house anymore. He left a few days later. The guys aren't happy about it and they know it's because of me, but Sam's made it pretty clear that Paul had to leave because of Paul. I'm glad not to see him anymore, but I still can feel him just around the corner sometimes.
I don't know when you'll be back but I'd like to see you. I think it's great that you're there and I can tell you've been thinking a lot. I'm really proud of you. I don't know what we are or what we can be now, but…it'd be good to see you.
Bella
Dear Bella,
Thank you for writing back to me. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. I must have looked like a little kid when the mail came and there was something for me from you. I saved it until I could walk outside by myself before reading it, not wanting to share it with anyone else. Dimitri's never going to leave me alone now about being a girl at heart. Kid's got a weird sense of humor for true.
I'm glad Paul's gone, part of me will miss him, well, I'll miss who I thought he was, and it's weird to think about Leah dating Mike, but I guess it's good I can even tell that it's weird right? Do you ever think maybe it would be good to talk about Paul? I know it's not the same, but, talking here has really helped me let go of shit.
Today I have to do something that makes me nervous. That was the objective. My therapist didn't put anything on it other than that, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fill that. I thought about ditching out of here and trying to steal my keys to come see you. The idea of that sure as hell makes me nervous. I hope you'd smile to see me but I'm scared as shit you won't.
It doesn't matter though because I'd get my ass kicked out of here if I did that and then my absence from school wouldn't be excused and Billy would be pissed and Sam would skin me and I guess I don't really want to leave yet. I mean, I feel better but not better. Does that make any sense?
So maybe I'll sign up for Yoga this afternoon or break out into song during dinner or something. I don't know…
Well, I love you Bella, I'll talk to you soon
Jake
Dear Bella,
They're talking about me going home soon. I don't know when. The idea is really exciting but really scary. I know you said you'd want to see me, I hope you do. I'm not going to push Bella, you can have as much of me as you want. But I hope you know that I love you and that you mean so much to me. I don't want to overwhelm you or come on too strong, I mean, are we even dating?
But maybe that's what we should do. Can I take you out on a date when I get back? Something just us. I'd like that. I'll even let you drive.
I love you,
Jake