Bella retreated to her bedroom once again, much to the despair of the family. But it was her safe place, and she needed to be away from their well intentioned but intense scrutiny. I sat on the bed, pulling her into my lap and wrapping my arms around her. She nestled her face into the crook of my neck, and I gently rested my face on the top of her head, taking in her tantalising scent. We didn't speak - we didn't have to. She knew as well as I did that Jacob wasn't going to go away on his own, but I let her believe that Billy would do the right thing and that the pack would handle the situation. Still, I could feel her tension, and I suspected that she could see through my charade. She wasn't truly convinced it would be enough and neither was I, and I hated that Jacob could do this to her, undermining the progress she'd worked so hard to make.
I couldn't help but think about everything that had happened. I was trying to decide what I'd done wrong and what I should have done differently so that this threat from Jacob could have been avoided. I had considered not returning to Forks at all, taking Bella from the hospital in Phoenix and going somewhere completely new to make a fresh start, but that could never have worked. After what happened to Charlie and Renee, suddenly leaving town with Bella in tow would only have planted the seed of doubt in the minds of Charlie's law enforcement colleagues, and that was too risky. And even if that weren't the case, Billy Black would have raised all kinds of hell, and I dare say we'd have ended up being hunted by the FBI for kidnapping and God knows what else. We have the resources to elude the authorities, but it wasn't the way any of us wanted to live, and it certainly isn't the way Bella deserved to live. But, more than anything, Bella needed to go home. Phoenix could never be that for her anymore, and I knew the house she shared with Charlie couldn't be either. But, Forks was home, it was the only home she had now, and she had connections here. Her school mates and Charlie's friends were all she had left of her human world, and she needed to keep that link. And regardless, the townsfolk of Forks weren't going to surrender her easily.
Once the news of her accident and her parents' deaths spread, everyone in Forks was eager to have Bella back. She had unknowingly insinuated herself into all their lives from the moment she was born. She was part of Charlie, and Charlie was part of Forks - the very best part - and the town was reeling from his death. The fact that the Chief of Police could be murdered in his own home was something that they couldn't come to terms with. Crime of any sort was foreign to them, so the loss of someone so beloved was unimaginable. The scar to the community was deep, and in a way it mirrored Bella's scars. The loss of Charlie had bound the people of Forks to Bella in a way I wasn't even sure she fully acknowledged yet, but I knew she felt the pull. She belonged here, for now at least, and I'd be damned if I'd let Jacob Black drive her from the only home she had left. Anyway, I'd learned the hard way that running wasn't the answer. If he was as determined as he seemed, I had no doubt he'd follow us anywhere until he found a way to get to Bella. So, there'd be no divide and conquer this time. We would stand together, united, and we'd all protect Bella, without the disadvantage of being on the run.
Of course, none of these realisations helped me contain the anger I was feeling towards Jacob. It was a constant struggle now, the fury simmering just below the surface as I wondered how and when he would attempt to see Bella again, or worse. I thought I could hide it from her, but Bella knew me better than I knew myself. She sensed my tension and felt the infinitesimal vibration of my tremors as I fought to keep my rage under control. She began to rub my back soothingly, whispering that everything would be all right. I couldn't believe that she was comforting me, and it only strengthened my resolve to always love and protect her with all of my being. But I felt the familiar pang of guilt as my consciousness caught up to the reality of the situation, reminding me once again that I was her opposite - the selfish to her unselfish. She didn't belong in my dangerous world, yet here she was, not yet recovered from the last atrocity she had to endure, and now it was her childhood friend of whom she had to be afraid. If it weren't for me, Jacob wouldn't even be a danger. If it weren't for me, James would probably never have discovered her. And so I continued to shift uncomfortably between anger and remorse, as the all too familiar pattern of self condemnation returned. I had come so close to freedom from this endless torment, and that only fuelled my anger. But, as much as I wanted to blame it all on Jacob, I knew I couldn't ignore my share of the responsibility.
But it was impossible not to think back to the time before Jacob - before he had severed our tenuous but precious grasp on our peaceful life. I had finally begun to learn to live with the guilt I felt about bringing Bella into my world. And Bella was trying so desperately to move beyond her pain. We weren't there yet, and I wasn't sure if I truly believed either of us could fully escape our personal suffering. But it had become tolerable, and it was getting better, for all of us. But now, in spite of everything that had happened and all the ground we'd gained, she wasin danger again, and I couldn't tolerate that.
So the regret was weighing heavily on me, threatening to drown me in that quagmire of self loathing and doubt that was never far off. Everything I'd done since meeting Bella had brought us to this place. Everything I should have done was taunting me mercilessly. But even in the midst of my depressed musings, I knew there was no turning back now. Despite my supernatural abilities, I had yet to find a way to change the past, so I could only move forward now and try to do better, because she deserved nothing less. I could never leave her, because I was too selfish to ever let her go, and because of that same selfishness, she had no one else. And even though these were not good enough reasons to keep her bound to me, the threat of leaving her to the likes of Jacob, or another James, was too much to bear. And miraculously, she loved me, and I couldn't deny that anymore. She wanted to be with me, almost as much as I wanted to be with her. So as long as she felt that way, I couldn't allow myself to wallow like this in the world of what might have been. I had to look to the future with Bella, even if that meant I would always have to protect her from my world and. . . myself. But I'd had years to perfect my self-hatred, and I highly doubted I'd ever fully shed the venomous pessimism that coursed through my veins. Nevertheless, I would always strive to be better than I was. It was the very cornerstone upon which Carlisle created our family, and Bella's inclusion in my family gave me the best kind of incentive to keep fighting against my worst tendencies.
I kissed her tenderly on the top of her head, squeezing my eyes shut tightly to hide my inner conflict. I tried to force my way through the suffocating emotions that tied me to the darkness, struggling to reach the light my future with Bella would bring. But, of course, she sensed the battle within me, and she craned her neck to look me in the eyes. Though still closed, I could feel the intensity of her gaze, and so I surrendered, opening them, hoping that they wouldn't betray my shame. But she knew - she always knew.
"Edward, this isn't your fault. I just need you to believe me, because I don't think I have the strength to fight with you on this. I have to believe that if we've made it through everything else, that we'll make it through this, too. It's not your fault that Jacob is like this. I don't know what happened to him, but I know it has nothing to do with you," she argued.
She melted deeper into my embrace, wearied by grief and by pain and by fear. So I immediately felt guilty about adding to her burden with my own insecurities. I almost laughed aloud as I realised I was now dealing with layers of guilt. I felt guilty about feeling guilty, and the absurdity wasn't lost on me.
"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to worry you. We will find a way out of this," I said as confidently as I could manage. I didn't absolve myself of responsibility for Jacob though. And, of course, she noticed my omission, creasing her eyebrows at me disapprovingly.
But her assessment of Jacob's condition wasn't entirely accurate. I may not have been the complete cause of his madness, but I couldn't deny that I was at least partly responsible. The Quileute tradition of shape shifting into werewolves was a direct result of the proximity of vampires. Our coven, our family, was indeed responsible for the sudden explosion of the Werewolf population in La Push. Since the time of our last settlement in this region, this magical phenomenon had been relegated to the stuff of legends, skipping over generations until our return, a fact that greatly dismayed us all but could not be reversed once the discovery had been made. But, why this burden had to be borne by the inexperienced and immature adolescents of the tribe, none of us could explain. Though their bodies, remodelled and reshaped, bringing forth a rapid physical maturity, emotionally, they weren't ready for the gravity of their new strength and abilities. They were often unable to control their feelings, transforming into these treacherous beasts at any time without warning, devastating everything in their proximity. And the more of us there were, the more of them were created, the available candidates becoming younger and younger as the resource pool dwindled.
It was a sad realisation that Jacob's current state was brought about by the collision of unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances. The premature transformation brought on by our presence, a long standing crush on Bella that was encouraged by their own fathers, a deep seated hatred of our kind, and all occurring amidst the hormonal turmoil of his own adolescent only were we his mortal enemies, but our very existence took away his chance at a normal life. We were the catalyst. So, for him to see the object of his affection since childhood survive a brutal attack and the murder of her parents at the hands of one of our kind was just too much. Add to that Bella choosing to live with and love us, to love me instead of him, was the ultimate betrayal. It was a dizzying blend of passion and circumstance and emotional upheaval that ultimately brought about his condition, and I wasn't sure that it was something he could ever recover from. To a point, I could empathise with him. He was thrust into a world he knew nothing about, the control over his life removed from his grasp. In a way, he was just like me, but I knew what I was - I could admit the danger I posed, but Jacob seemed oblivious. If I weren't so enraged by the danger he presented, I may have felt sorry for him. But, as it stood, I had no sympathy left for him. Every positive emotion I had was being channelled into Bella.
Carlisle shared my belief about Jacob's circumstances, and though we enjoyed this region of America greatly, his silent decision to never return to these parts once our time here was up was his way of atoning for his sins. He vowed to never again be responsible for inflicting this burden of shape shifting onto the tribe, and I agreed categorically. Though the exact circumstances of Jacob's decline were unlikely to ever be repeated, it was a risk neither of us was prepared to take.
I listened as he called Billy Black, urging him to meet again, this time to discuss his son. He carefully manoeuvred through Billy's obvious discomfort with the compassion and grace I had come to always expect from him. His words to Billy and his unspoken thoughts conveyed the plan that had been agreed, so I relayed the information to Bella.
"Bella, I'm going with Carlisle to meet with Billy and Sam, soon. It's just going to be the four of us. They know there's a problem with Jacob, and they're not happy about the stunt he pulled at school. It will be helpful if I'm there, because I can explain exactly what happened, and I can know what they're really thinking about it and what they intend to do. Everyone else will stay here with you, so you will be safe, and I won't be gone for long," I explained.
"Should I come, too? Billy will listen to me. If I tell him I'm scared of Jake, he'll believe me. It's the truth." she admitted.
"I know, love, but it will be better with just the four of us. This is difficult for Billy. Having you there is just a reminder of what he's lost and what he's still losing. First Charlie, then you and now Jacob. But you will be safe here while I'm gone. I promise you that."
"I know, Edward. It's just that. . . . " she trailed off, unable to finish, so I finished for her.
"It's just that I've promised that you'd be safe before and you weren't. I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry," I apologised, though I knew it could never be enough.
"It's not your fault, Edward."
"But it is," I argued.
"I won't hear it! You saved me. I'm alive because of you. I don't blame you for James - you know that. I'm just scared, Edward. I can't help it, and I don't know how much more I can take. I want to be strong for you, I really do. But I'm not sure I have any more strength left. I really am a danger magnet. It never ends," she sighed miserably.
I pulled her closer into me, taking my turn at rubbing comforting circles on her back as she continued.
"I feel so guilty. I didn't know Jake felt that way about me, and I feel like I should have realised that it was more than just a simple crush. I know Billy and Charlie were always trying to push us together, even when we were just kids, but I never took it seriously. Then, when I moved back here, I didn't even consider his feelings when I was flirting with him at the beach. I hadn't seen him in so long, it didn't occur to me that he might have real feelings for me. I think it's my fault he's like this, Edward, and I don't think that he's going to give up. He's not the same anymore. He's broken, and I did that to him," she finally sobbed, giving in to her feelings.
"Shush, Bella. No! It's not your fault. It's so much bigger than that. It's everything, Bella. All of it, all of us. The transformation - it was too much for Jake. You didn't do this to him, honestly. But, Bella, you are the strongest person I know. You will get through this. We will, together," I reassured her, feeling a fresh determination to make this right for her, somehow.
She continued to weep into my chest. Not the deep, wracking sobs reserved for her memories and grief, but a steady stream of soundless tears born of endless pain and fear and fatigue. Eventually she fell into a fitful sleep, and I clung to her tightly as she thrashed and jerked. I hated to leave her, but I pried her loose, calling Esme to relieve me while I accompanied Carlisle. "Sleep now, my love. You will be safe, I promise you," I whispered, hoping I could make good on that promise as I reluctantly left her room.
_______________
We met Billy and Sam at a diner in Port Angeles. It was an unusual location, but it was at Billy's request. He didn't want to risk Jacob or the other members of the pack finding out about the meeting just yet, fearing it would only make matters worse.
"Thank you both for agreeing to meet with us again," Carlisle began.
"It had to be done," Billy replied gruffly. His thoughts conveyed his deep concern for his son, though he was working very hard to block me now that he was aware of my gift. "Tell me exactly what happened at the school. You said Jake threatened Bella? I find that hard to believe." In fact, he didn't find it hard to believe at all.
I recounted the event, again using Jacob's exact wording in an effort to illustrate the gravity of the situation. Sam was outwardly annoyed and in total denial, refusing to believe, though his inner dialogue revealed his suspicions.
"Sam, I wouldn't lie about something so important. Bella is afraid of Jacob now. We're keeping her home from school, hoping to avoid another encounter. But she can't stay locked in the house indefinitely. You have to see how serious this really is," I urged him.
"You could be saying this to cause trouble. To divide our pack. We are the protectors. We don't threaten or inflict harm. Jacob cares for Bella deeply. It makes no sense," he retorted angrily. His stubborn refusal to acknowledge the truth was causing my own anger to resurface, and Carlisle cautioned me silently.
Billy placed his hand over Sam's clenched fist, ordering his silence with just a look. Though old and disabled, he was still a commanding presence when he needed to be. He turned back to Carlisle, his eyes now downcast. "I know there is a problem. I thought he just needed time. That he would settle down. But he seems to be getting worse," Billy sighed, resigned. "The transformation did not go well for him. It's not the first time it's happened, according to our legends. But, it is rare."
That was clearly a painful revelation for him to make, and Sam couldn't hide his shock, frowning at his leader in disbelief. It wasn't just that Billy would admit that there was indeed a problem with Jacob, but that he would reveal it to us. As the pack alpha, Sam had an innate distrust of our kind. Yet, I could see that although he would never say it, he knew that we at least could be trusted. But even knowing I could read his thoughts, he wouldn't outwardly admit that Jacob was a problem, all the while thinking about Jacob's many infractions since he'd been transformed. He thought about Jacob taking unnecessary risks when he phased too close to other pack members, or where he may be seen by others. He'd been pushing his patrolling further and further over the border line into our territory, despite direct orders to never cross it. There were unprovoked attacks on his pack brothers that went beyond normal rough housing. But, in spite of it all, Sam was convinced that he could handle the situation, that with some time and maturity, Jacob would come to heed his authority.
I was amazed and angered by the arrogance of the pack mentality. I knew I was a monster, at least I could admit it. But Sam seemed completely unwilling to concede that the pack could possibly be a danger to others, being so caught up in his own sense of pride and self importance. Clearly a huge ego was a pack trait, not just isolated to Jacob. Sam knew that Jacob was dangerous, but he blindly refused to take it seriously, which outraged me. And then I saw Emily, his imprinted mate. Her face was ruined because of his own carelessness and lack of control, and she'd nearly died because of him. I glared at him, and as he realised what I'd seen, he looked away in shame, trying to guard his thoughts but unable to do so. The image of Emily only served to magnify my concern for Bella. The threat was real and even worse than I'd feared.
Carlisle's slightly agitated voice caught my attention.
"I am sorry, Billy. I know he's your son, and this must be deeply worrying for you. But I know you care for Bella also, and I can assure you that Jacob's behaviour is not helping her recovery at all. Just the threat is bad enough. If he ever acts on his threats, I can't bring myself to even imagine the potential consequences," Carlisle explained.
"He won't hurt her. We will take care of the situation," Billy said gravely, effectively ending the discussion, but Carlisle wouldn't let it go.
"If you don't mind, Billy, I'd like to understand exactly how you intend to take care of the situation. The last time we met, you assured me there would be no need for concern, but, clearly there is," Carlisle challenged.
"Why don't you ask your son?" Billy snorted. "That is why you brought him, isn't it? To steal our thoughts!" His words were bitter, but I could see the pain he struggled with. He was having a difficult time dealing with the fact that his own son was a danger to Bella, perhaps even to the pack and the tribe. He knew the truth, because he lived with it daily, and it was something that he had never anticipated. I understood how he felt.
"I don't want to hear it from my son, Billy. I need to hear it from you. We are talking about Bella's safety here. She cannot be expected to live in constant fear, especially from someone she had considered a friend. You don't understand what this could do to her emotionally, Billy, let alone the physical ramifications if he were to lose control anywhere near her. She's been through so much. I can't allow this to continue. I'm deeply sorry about Jacob. I wish I could help him, but clearly that is not an option. But I am Bella's guardian now, and I take that role very seriously. I know you expect nothing less. So I have to know, Billy. Is this really over?"
Billy resented the public rebuke, though he was impressed by Carlisle's obvious commitment to Bella's well being. But his face was a blank canvas, revealing nothing of the emotions he truly felt. He simply nodded his approval at Carlisle as he explained his decision. "Jacob will be forbidden to phase or to leave the reservation. He will be under guard by the pack until such a time as he can mature and prove his worthiness. I can only hope that time will come, and that this damage is not permanent. But we will look after him. He is our responsibility," he finished sadly.
He didn't even bother trying to hide his thoughts now, remembering with full force the many examples of Jacob's reckless and worrying behaviour since the time of his transformation. Billy had been witness to many outbursts in the privacy of the home he shared with his son, at times fearing for his own safety as Jacob's temper got the better of him. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him - once strong and vibrant, he was now but a shadow of his former self. To have his only son, his successor, fall victim to his own people's proud heritage, was devastating for him. Maddeningly, Sam was still refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, but it was clear that Billy had made his decision and Sam would abide by it.
Carlisle and I stood to leave, satisfied with the outcome. Billy was about to take the most strident action he could, and given the circumstances, it was a credit to him that he was able to rise above his own emotional involvement to see the situation for what it was. Surprisingly, it was Billy who extended his hand in friendship this time, and Carlisle grasped it firmly, reassured and contented with the direction the relationship with the Quileutes was taking. As for Sam and I, we parted with a curt nod of farewell, each of us suspicious of the other and not completely content with the current situation, though for very different reasons.