AUTHOR'S NOTE: So sorry for the delays. I got a bit tied up with reality. But I'm back now and the story's once again flowing. Hope you enjoy. Sorry for typos, I probably didn't catch a single one.

Stephenie Meyer's the mastermind, I just take credit for originals.

CHAPTER SONG: THIS WAY - MICHELLE BRANCH

"I don't know how long you've been holding on. I don't know how long everything's been my fault. It's getting easier to take the blame. It's getting easier to try and change. Too many times I have told you that I was okay. But I'm finally feeling like I can explain myself, I'm not claiming that I know everything. No, I'm not, because you made me this way.I don't know how long I can justify it. I'm tired of making up reasons, you're not on my side."

Chapter Twenty-One:

The rest of the day passed in a surprising blur of activity and chaos. I couldn't really let myself think as I talked to children, read them stories, and recounted the less horrible parts of my own tale. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would someday have to tell the whole story again, at least one more time, but the prospect was still just as daunting as it'd been when I told Jasper.

It still surprised me sometimes just how terrified I'd been the night I came clean, as well as the night I exposed my burned body to him for the first time. It was like peeling a layer of my skin off and going around yelling 'look at me'! For someone who had never really wanted to be center of attention, having scars as bad as mine didn't really help keep me in shadows. I was either gawked at, bombared with questions, or just silently stared at in horror.

But not today. Today I was one of the majority, as sad as it was to say. While it hurt to see so many children having survived the same kind of pain I had, and probably remembered more of it than I did, it all gave me a new sense of appreciation.

I was still alive, walking and talking. I was able to go on with my life and had a boyfriend that I'd never dreamed would give me the time of day. But, if I was being secretly honest with myself, he wasn't who my heart was fully screaming for. Yes, it was amazing to watch Damon interact with children that most people would shy away from, but it didn't feel entirely right. Which bugged me, since I couldn't entirely put my finger on the reason why.

And then there was Jasper, a quiet sign of strength that hung back and watched everything go on around him. He didn't really interact with very many people but it was definitely cute to watch a few girls a year or two younger than me sigh dreamily after him. When he noticed, he smiled and entertained them for a few minutes before gently reminding them that him showing interest was technically illegal in the state of Washington.

Yeah, I wish I could say that deterred them. It didn't. It was like he had some kind of magnet embedded deep under his skin that only seemed to attract blonde girls that didn't really understand the meaning of the word 'no'.

But I did have one thing to say about the whole situation with my childhood friend, it was amusing as hell! He'd always been a little uncomfortable with attention and his teenage years hadn't really done anything to fix that.

Snickering in spite of myself, I was so lost in my own thoughts that the irriated sigh coming from my right didnt register until it was already gone. Looking over, I had to force myself not to look so surprised at Damon now sitting beside me. This had been happening all day, much to my dismay. I wasn't really let out of his sight for extended periods of time and I couldn't help wondering if he'd still be doing this if Jasper hadn't decided to come volunteer.

Good mood broken, I frowned a little and tucked stray hairs behind my ears. "Okay, what's with the shadowing act? Damon, you're supposed to be interacting with the patients too."

He shrugged and glanced out at the gathering of people before his gaze locked on me again. Fingers intertwined before being locked between the folds of dark denim stretched over his knees. "I have been volunteering. But I also came up here with the intention of spending time with you. I figured you wouldn't mind, especially after everything that's already happened on this trip."

For a split second, a very quick instant, I wanted to haul off and punch him. The shadowing was one thing, but the underlying attitude? I'd warned him. Hell, I'd warned both boys with the exact same words, in the exact same tone. Why was Jasper having an okay time following my request but Damon wasn't? Wasn't Damon the one that was supposed to be giving me the room to experience this the way I needed to, instead of making it all about him?

Or at least, make me feel like he was trying to make this all about him.

"Damon." I muttered then paused to breathe in deeply through my nose. He watched in amusement as I let it out then bodily turned to face him better. "I do want to spend time with you today. But I'm not here to be with you. We could've stayed in Forks and I wouldn't be wasting Carlisle's money or putting miles on my car. I'm here to experience this and to help kids that are in shoes I used to fill."

"Ahh." He nodded and nodded very slowly, looking almost sly as he gazed at me sideways. "Shoes that I still don't even get to look at, right?"

Frustration got the better of me. A few people looked over when a strangled scream passed my lips but I only noticed because of the sharp turn of Damon's head. My eyes were locked on tree branches above my head. "Fine." I sighed, my voice flat as I straightened up and shrugged. "Since you obviously can't leave it alone or wait for me to tell you this in privacy, we'll have this conversation here!" Grinning sarcastically at him, I lightly slapped my hands on my thighs and leaned onto my arms. "Which part would you like to hear about first? About my stepfather turning my mom into a walking punching bag? I only learned about makeup so I could hide the bruises he started giving me when he deemed me old enough to take the punishment. Or are we being more specific, like the night of the fire? When I walked in on Brandon screaming at my mom for being a useless waste of space? Or that the fire that caused these burns had two points of origin? My mother had to let dinner burn that night because she was too busy being thrown around like a rag doll. The second was in the living room, the curtains caught after lit candles were thrown because my mom decided to fight back. Finally. Do you want me to tell you that I couldn't escape cause of a dislocated knee? Or that I was barely conscious? My mother pushed my stepfather so hard into a table full of candles that she knocked herself out in the process. They never regained consciousness and it was sheer luck that I survived. A firefighter dragged me out of my burning house and I've been in agony ever since." I was nearly spitting the words out at this point, feeling eyes on me as my cheeks flushed and stained red with anger. I could feel a certain pair of eyes on me but I couldn't look away. Not from Damon's angry and dark eyes.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" I finally asked and shot to my feet when I realized my voice cracking was also bringing tears to my eyes. I was sick of crying over this, of feeling like a wound was being reopened by talking about it. Maybe I was just torturing myself by not talking about the night of the fire. But it was just...easier. It was easier to pretend to be normal and block those painful memories out. Granted at the time, I'd had Jasper to lean on. He had made things so much easier but now I didn't have him to depend on.

Realizing that part of that outcome had been my fault, more tears filled my eyes and I had to blink rapidly to make them go away. Sighing, my shoulders slumped and I stared down at the man I considered my boyfriend. The one person in this world that was supposed to have my back and be what I needed. "Or would you like to know about the scar on the inside of my left wrist? That I actually cried when I was found and couldn't finish what I started. I've wanted to die so many times since I was eight years old that I lost count. I didn't grow up the way you did, Damon. I didn't have parents that loved me and wished for me to have a promising future. I don't respond well to being pushed and I damn sure don't like being pushed around. Anger and jealousy's going to get you nowhere with me. So either get the hell over yourself and accept me as I am, or stay the hell away from me when we get back to Forks."

I still had eyes on me as I pivoted on my heel and walked away from Damon, leaving him sitting on a wooden bench shaded by trees that were finally getting their leaves back. Heading into the hospital, I made a direct beeline for the parking lot. I just wanted in my car. I wasn't going to leave, I wasn't mean enough to strand Damon here when he didn't know his way around.

But I was so mad, furious that I'd been baited the way I had. I still couldn't understand why he couldn't just exact some patience and let me tell him when I was ready. Why was it so damn important for him to know and know now?!

The answer to that question struck me just as the sound of shoes echoing on asphalt hit my ears. Turning, I sighed and closed my eyes when I saw Jasper stop in front of me. "Let me guess." I sighed and yanked my keys from my pocket. "You heard the whole thing."

"Guilty." He nodded then closed the distance between us to take my keys. I let him, moving around almost zombie-like to the passenger side before sliding into the seat. Jasper didn't do anything once he was behind the wheel. He just closed his door, hit the lock and set my keys in the console. "But I was also pretty close to you too. I saw the look you gave him right before you let him have it."

"Great." I sighed and flung my head back against the headrest behind me, tears stinging my eyes yet again. "I bet I provided a lot of entertainment today."

I saw Jasper shrug when I finally opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him. "It doesn't matter. Baylee, you're there to heal just as much as those kids are. Just because you've physically gotten your life back, doesn't mean that you're all caught up with the emotional too. And that's all I'm going to say cause you really won't like my opinion of your boyfriend's behavior in there."

"Just say it." I sighed and raised a hand to silently wave him on. "He already hates you, though I can't understand why. I don't really talk about you."

"I meant something to you once." He supplied and it hurt to see there were no traces of humor or amusement on his features. His eyes were flat, almost cold with sadness. "He'll never hold the kind of place I did, be to you what I was. I'm not trying to boost myself up here, Bay. I'm not. But you're right, you didn't grow up the way he did. I didn't grow up the way he did. I sadly had a better shot at it than you did, but there are just things he's never going to be able to understand. He'll never understand the losses you've suffered, but I will. I do cause I'm in a similar boat. Baylee, he doesn't know how to deal with everything you've seen and I'm willing to bet? He doesn't know how to handle the place I've held in your life. I doubt he's ever tried to commit suicide."

"You heard that, huh?" I breathed and winced when he nodded. The grimace still contorted my features before smoothing out as I stared at the windshield in front of me. "I didn't want to tell him you found me cause it would just start a fight. It's like...it's like he doesn't even want to understand how much you've helped me over the years."

"Cause he doesn't know why I had to help you in the first place!" I really hated it when he made sense. "But if you can't talk to him about your past, what kind of future are you going to be able to have? Baylee, if he gets upset by you mentioning me in a pivotal moment of your past...?"

Okay, I really hated it when he made sense! If he kept this up, I was seriously going to kick him.

"I wish I knew what to do." I finally muttered after a few minutes of silence. My eyes were starting to sting again with unshed tears but I pushed that to the back of my mind. I had to admit that it honestly felt good to sit here with Jasper like this, having him help me understand my life going off the rails again. Granted, this was nothing in comparison to the other times I'd danced on rock bottom, but still....

"I wish I knew what to tell you." He finally admitted and gave me a sad smile when our eyes met again. "You never like to talk about the things you shouldn't keep inside. I just want you to have someone that you can talk to about it when you do finally decide to."

I could only stare at him in confusion for a second before understanding dawned through my brain. Of course, he was referrencing the morning we left for Santa Cruz. He'd been trying to apologize for not being able to keep in touch with me and I'd pushed him away.

All because I didn't want to think about that time in my life.

"I'm sorry I couldn't let you in." I finally admitted, rather bashfully then yelped when a sudden crash against my window broke our safe haven. Looking up, I was met instantly by the cold stare of my enraged boyfriend. Great. But things got even worse when Jasper smoothly exited the car before I could even think of hitting the lock button.

Scrambling out, I snatched my keys just in time to see Jasper coming around the trunk and Damon going to meet him.

"What the hell, man?" He hissed, hands balled into fists at his sides. "I come out here to see you all cozy with Baylee in her car? In case you forgot dude, she's my girlfriend."

"Yeah?" Jasper asked and raised an eyebrow slightly, looking scarily in control as he faced off with Damon. "Your girlfriend needed someone to talk to, I just happened to be the one that followed her. Why do you have to push her so much about her past? From what I gather, it's not like you react well to what she has to say."

"That's none of your damn business." Damon snarled and snuck a quick glance at me before he reached out and grabbed my wrist. "Come on, it's time to go. We need to get back to Forks anyway."

"No." I retorted, stubbornly and yanked my arm from his grasp. The angry facade cracked for a second and I saw genuine hurt in his eyes. But it faded quickly and was replaced with a blind hatred that I was all-too familiar with. "I have an obligation to the people in that hospital. People who can help me get on track with the career I'm choosing. Now I'm sorry if you can't handle me and the timeline I use to do things. But I'm not going to apologize for letting Jasper calm me down! I'm sick of letting you make me feel like crap just because he happens to mean something to me!"

"You were best friends years ago!" He sputtered and I had a brief inkling that he was reaching for things to say. Verbal weapons to throw at me. "So what? Baylee, you gotta let go. He obviously has! Do you not remember him ditching you for the blonde he paraded around your house at Christmas?"

I winced and noticed through my periphial vision that Jasper had too. "Low blow." I muttered darkly and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans. Suddenly I was thankful for the hoodie I'd thrown on this morning. I just wish I could've forseen being preview to a verbal sparring match in the parking lot. "He was more to me than a best friend when we were kids."

"Yeah, his family took you in. Got that memo too!" He shouted, even flailed his arms around enough that it caused my anger to spike yet again.

I'd had enough. Enough of Damon and his mood swings. Enough of Jasper and the rollercoaster I felt like I'd been on since the night of his graduation party. I'd just had enough.

"Yeah, Jasper's family took me in." I agreed and tilted my head back to glare defiantly up at him. "But if he hadn't busted into my bathroom right before this past summer started, then I would've succeeded in killing myself! Jasper saved my life, Damon. Even when I didn't want him to and I'm always going to be grateful to him for that. And if you don't like it?" I had to stop there to gasp for breath, my words streaming out in a heated rush of anger and frustration. "Then too damn bad! And find your own way back to Forks. I don't want to be anywhere near you right now. You're rich enough, and enough of a flirt." I shrugged then, feeling very flippant and uncaring as I stepped back from him and Jasper. "I'm sure you can find a ride home."

Then, without thinking twice, I slid into my car and reved the engine to a sickening decipal before I yanked the car out of it's parking space and sped off toward the hotel I wouldn't be sharing with Damon for another night. Yeah, I was letting anger cloud my judgement and yes, it was mean as hell to leave Damon standing there stranded. But I just didn't care. I was sick of caring! So beyond it that I just wanted to be left alone.

This was not the kind of ending I could've envisioned with the guy I'd given my virginity to. Not by a longshot.

Tears didn't start blurring my vision until I reached the hotel and parked. Once the engine was off, heat no longer blasting onto the legs of my jeans, my hands slid pitifully from the wheel. I very rarely let myself cry. It was a 'luxury' that I hadn't grown up with. If Brandon had ever caught me crying, I got a hand to the back of the head and a legitmate reason to cry.

According to him anyway. I was still sitting in my parked car about ten minutes later when I heard the roar of an obviously messed-with engine slid up beside me. I hadn't even noticed that the spot next to mine was vacant until sunlight bounced off a glossy black paintjob. Of course, I wanted to immediately hide when I recognized the passenger.

Damon had found his ride after all.

The sunlight also bounced off honey blonde curls when the drive stepped out of the very beautifully restored muscle car, a Dodge Charger that looked to have all original detailing. Clearly Carlisle had been lenient with Jasper's allowance.

Damon stepped out and shielded his eyes behind a pair black Raybans. I smiled faintly while remembering hiding those sunglasses once. It hadn't really ended well for my sunglasses, much to my dismay. But Damon had surprised me and let me wear his sunglasses until we got mine replaced. Which he paid for.

With those memories still in the forefront of my mind, I left the silence of my own vehicle and joined the boys on the sidewalk. Damon wouldn't look at me, his face set in anger still. Jasper just shrugged helplessly at me when I caught his attention. I mouthed my thanks to him then unconsciously led the way up to our room. I could tell Jasper was torn as he crossed the threshold behind Damon, me holding the door open for both. It clicked closed loudly and I frowned at it before focusing on the testosterone silently filling up the room.

"Do you really not want to ride back to Forks with me?" Damon asked. Rather bluntly, which got him a sharp look from Jasper that he ignored.

I just shrugged and let my keys slide from my hand onto the desk in front of our bed. I shed my hoodie then turned and leaned back against the edge of that same desk, fingers tucked in my front pockets with my upper body boldly outlined in a tank top. "I honestly don't know. I'm getting really sick of your attitude, Damon. We fight more than anything else."

Throwing a quick glare at Jasper, he then ignored him and moved to stand in front of me. I didn't resist when he grabbed my wrist and lightly pulled my hand into his larger ones. "I'm sorry." He sighed and focused on our fingers instead of meeting my gaze. "I just got crazy and there's no real excuse for it."

"You're right." I nodded matter-of-factly and finally pulled my hand from his grasp. He flinched as if I'd slapped him but regained his composure really quickly. "There isn't an excuse for how you handled things today. Today wasn't supposed to be about you and yet you went and showed your ass anyway! You didn't let me out of your sight and I have this sinking suspicion it's because Jasper was there too!"

Anger flashed through his dark eyes, but he surprised me by looking at me instead of my silent foster brother. "That probably had something to do with it, yeah. Baylee, I can't compete with him when it comes to meaning something to you."

I just blinked and stared up at him in disbelief before I shook my head. Jasper cleared his throat then and quietly excused himself, winking at me before he left the room. I remembered that code and made a mental note to call him when I got a free moment. Alone.

"Who said you had to compete with Jasper?" I asked softly, still so surprised that it had leaked into my voice as well. "Damon, I'm with you. You're the first person I've ever had sex with. Doesn't that mean something?"

"Yeah." He sighed and angrily swiped a hand through his hair before backing up to plop down on the edge of our bed. "It does, believe me." He admitted then looked up at me helplessly as he held a hand out for me to take.

I did, sighing as I moved to stand between his knees. He buried his face in my stomach for a second before he looked up and his hands slid down to my thighs. "I'm sorry, I just get crazy sometimes. I know it's not what you need, especially not today. But I have to be honest, I have issues with that guy! And some insecurity when I realize just how much you've trusted him, but not me."

"Cause you haven't given me a chance to!" I blurted out, frustration edging into my voice. I sighed then and raked both hands over my face before I turned and sat down beside him. "Damon, Jasper has known me almost my entire life. He knows how to handle me. I'm not exactly forthcoming with my past and I will apologize to a certain degree for that. But most of the time, I don't want to talk to you about that because you always get pissed when I mention his name. I won't feel bad for our history, I'd never do that to you if the roles were reversed."

"You're right." He admitted with a sigh and a nod before pitching back onto the bed. I turned and tucked a leg underneath me to watch him. He stayed still for a solid minute then he was looking at me again. "But I'm still jealous of the guy. I'm still waiting for that moment when you're gonna realize you want him more than me. Especially now that he's single and talking to you again."

Before I could stop it, a disgusted sound filled my throat and I grimaced before pivoting to my feet. "And that right there is why I don't want to go back to Forks with you!" I shouted and whirled back to face him. "You don't give me enough damn credit! Do you really think I'd do that to you? I mean, honestly."

"Honestly?" Damon paused just long enough for me to suck air into my lungs before making me feel like he'd just punched it all out of me. "Yeah. You're gonna run back to Jasper first chance you get and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it."