Jude (age 20, November, Sunday after the Yale Harvard football game)

I stood in front of the door and stared at it. I had come here to help pack up Connor's stuff. Macy had found a small two-bedroom house to rent until Connor could be moved to back to California. Adam had arranged for Connor to finish the semester at Yale then he was transferring to school in San Diego. Adam and Macy had argued with Connor's mom about where he was going to go but in the end Connor put his foot down and said he was going to San Diego to be near me. I had agreed to be friends and it was a start. I was trying and I agreed the distance wasn't a good thing for us right now. I did want what we had back but I still needed time to grieve and concentrate on finishing school. And I had to all of this while being a single dad. Colleen had to be my top priority right now.

I finally got up the courage to knock and I waited. Lip came to the door in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. I still thought he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I had never seen him without a shirt on and I hated to admit my mouth watered a little. His chest was lightly dusted with the same red hair that was on his head. I moved my eyes down and noticed it got a little thicker as it led down into his shorts. I had to force myself to look back up into his eyes. He was smiling at me when I looked back up at him. He stepped aside so I could come in. He sat back down on the couch and picked up his book as I shut the door behind me.

I just stood there awkwardly. I looked down at the floor then back up at him. He was watching me with a strange look on his face. I didn't know what was going through his mind. I wanted to be there if he needed to talk but after yesterday I wasn't sure if we were even friends anymore. I still wanted to be friends but I had stolen his boyfriend. The boy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with had told him he was still in love with me. That had to hurt. Probably as bad as knowing the boy you loved was in still love with your dead sister.

"So how long have the two of you been fucking behind my back?" Lip asked.

I was surprised by the question. I didn't think he knew but maybe I was wrong. I didn't know how to answer that. Did I tell him the truth? I had never told anybody about what happened between me and Connor that day. It wasn't something I was particularly proud of and it had been a very low point in my life. I had sought out comfort in the wrong way.

"Since the day Tamarin died," I answered honestly. He deserved the truth. It felt good to tell someone what I had done that day. I had always felt guilty and like I cheated on her even though she was dead.

"So the whole time you pretended to be my friend you were fucking my boyfriend?"

Lip put his book down and got up from the couch. Our eyes met and he licked his lips. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen in my life. I clinched my fists at my side and tried to concentrate on the conversation. He came and stood right in front of me. I was clinching my fists so hard fighting the urge to touch him that I could feel my nails digging into my hand. I couldn't do this to Connor. I felt like such a slut and a bad person for even thinking about it.

"I never pretended to be your friend Lip. I am still your friend."

"Friends don't fuck each's boyfriends," he said with venom in his voice.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to keep happ…," I was cut off when he kissed me.

To spite the voices in head telling me not too and to stop him I kissed him back. He put his hand on my chest and backed me up till my back made contact with the door. I couldn't stop myself as I ran my hand down his chest. He ground his hips into mine pushing me further up against the door. His kisses took on a more passionate feel. No one had ever kissed me the way he was kissing me. No one even Connor's kisses were as good as this and Connor and I had grown up perfecting kissing each other. Connor had been taught how to kiss me and how to touch me. Connor had grown up learning that it had taken years to get to the point where we could play each's bodies like that, but Lip was doing it in a matter of minutes. He didn't need to be taught anything.

He pulled away first and looked at me. I knew my eyes were hooded as I looked back at him. I had never been this turned on by a single kiss in my life. All was doing now was smiling at me like the Cheshire cat. He was still pressing me against the door so I put my hands on hips pulling him even closer and ground my hardness into his. He hissed through his teeth and just kept on smiling.

"What do you have that I don't?" he asked me.

I didn't know how to answer that question. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say. I mean that was a question he should be asking Connor not me. I had been so mean to Connor. I had done things to him no one should forgive me for yet he still loved me. I wasn't sure I would still love me, especially if I went through with where this was headed.

"You must be really good in bed?" he whispered in my ear.

"So I've been told," I whispered back.

I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't believe I had said that with such cockiness. I wasn't thinking straight though. I was thinking with the wrong head and that was a big problem for me. It was something I did often. Sleeping with eight people in a little over a year was a lot, considering most of that time I was in a relationship with the same person. I had never cheated on Tamarin, when I was sleeping with her she was the only one I was sleeping with.

"Show me," Lip said as he kissed me again.

I pulled away for a second. "Wait two tops isn't going to work here."

"Top me like you top Connor," Lip said in a husky voice as he kissed my neck.

I flipped us around so Lip was the one pinned between me and the door. I ran my hand down his chest and slid my hand inside his shorts. I wrapped my hand around him before I spoke and stroked a few times. He moaned my name and I knew he was putty in my hands.

"Well you see Lip as you probably know Connor's a power top. So you show me how Connor fucks you," I said.

I stepped back and pulled my shirt over my head. I wanted this. I had wanted him since the first time I saw him at Connor's house and I decided I wasn't backing down. I pushed my doubts and guilt out of my head as Lip took my hand and led me to the bedroom. Once we were in the bedroom he started kissing me again and backed me up till the back of my knees hit the bed. Then he pushed me hard down on the bed. I pulled him with me never breaking the kiss. He undid my pants as he kissed his way down my chest. I moaned his name when he slid his hand into my pants. I took my hands, hooked them in the waistband of my pants, and slipped my pants down my legs to my knees my erection springing to life as I did.

"DAMN!" Lip said, staring down at me. "Now I see why. If your fucking Connor with that I never had a chance in hell!"

He licked his lips again and I closed my eyes as he wrapped his mouth around me. I laced my hand in his hair trying to push myself further in his mouth. He was no Connor in this department. Connor was the blow job master. I hadn't found anyone as skilled in the art of giving head as Connor. Just as I was about to pull Lip up the phone on the night stand buzzed. I glanced over and saw Connor's name and picture on the screen. Lip was so into what he was doing he didn't notice the phone.

"Lip stop," I said. When he didn't hear me I said it louder. "STOP, I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't."

He moved and I got up. Pulling my pants back up at firefighter speed. I left like I was racing to a fire. I ran through the living room and out the door not bothering to shut it behind me. Once I was safely in Connor's truck I screamed. What had I almost done? I clutched the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I screamed a second time and a lady walking her dog looked at me like I was crazy. I started up the truck and drove away.

Back at the hospital I walked into Connor's room. He was lying the bed with his book spread across his chest like he had fallin asleep reading. I knew he was still on pretty high doses of pain meds and was in and out most of the day. I walked over to the bed and looked down at him. He was so cute when he was sleeping. I tried not to laugh and wake him when he snored lightly. I had never heard him snore before. I reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear that had fallen in his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

"Hey," he said as his eyes opened and he smiled up at me.

I sat down on the bed beside him. I glanced down at his book. "Really Connor The Hunger Games again? How many times have you read that book?"

"A lot, it's a great series," he answered.

"The movies were good," I smiled at him.

"Have you ever even read the books?" he asked.

"No and I don't plan to. The books I read now consist of the complete works of Dr. Seuss," he tried to laugh.

"Jude what's wrong?" Connor asked.

I knew he would know something was wrong the minute I walked into the room. He knew me so well. He knew exactly what I needed before I knew it myself. I wasn't fooling anyone including myself if I thought I could get anything past Connor.

"I went to Lip's to get your things," I started. I wondered for a second if I should tell him what happened when I was there.

"So where you there when I called. He hasn't been answering my calls," Connor seemed a little upset that Lip wouldn't talk to him.

"Connor he's hurting. You told him you didn't love him when he proposed. Do you really blame him?"

He thought for a minute," I guess not. I wouldn't answer my calls either."

"He knows Connor," was all I said.

"Knows what?"

"About us. I told him everything," I confessed.

"Even about the first time?"

"Yeah, and Connor I was there when you called. Lip and I almost…"

He stopped me form talking with his hand. "I don't need to know Jude. Neither of you have to explain anything to me. He and I aren't together anymore and you and I are just friends."

"That's' very mature of you Connor," I smiled grabbing his hand out of habit.

"So was he impressed by your big cock?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "And there you go taking the maturity level back down."

"Come on Jude that thing is impressive," Connor argued. "Even you gotta admit you've never seen anything like it."

"Fuck you," I said pulling my hand from his.

"Not right now. I am on so much pain meds I don't like I could get it up if I tried," Connor joked.

"I don't need you hard to make you feel good," I joked back only half joking.

"Is that a promise?"

"Maybe," I smiled at him raising my eyebrows.

"You too are so cute," we heard a female voice say from the doorway.

I turned my head to see Shelby, Connor's old roommate's old girlfriend come through the door. I knew she was the one who had introduced him to Lip in the first place. I had always liked her though. She had been a good friend to Connor even when her and his dick ex-roommate broke up. She had even watched Colleen a few times when I was in town with her.

"How did you know I was here? Were you at the game yesterday?" Connor asked as she sat in the chair next to the bed.

"Hell no and chance running into Vince and his new bimbo," Shelby laughed.

"How you know I was here?" Connor asked repeated.

"I called Lip to see if you guys wanted to come met my new boyfriend and he told me what happened."

"Everything that happened?" I asked.

"Yeah even how Connor cheated on him with you," Shelby smiled. "I didn't tell him I already knew."

We both gave he the same questioning look.

"Come you guys. If Lip honestly didn't know before now, then he's stupider than I thought he was. I knew the first time I met Jude the two of you were fucking."

I wondered who else knew. I looked down and realized I was holding Connor's hand again. I hadn't even known I was doing it. It just felt so natural to hold his hand. Like it was what I was meant to do for the rest of my life.

"Yeah Jude, I knew too," Macy said from the doorway. "I saw the two of you in Connor's truck last summer."

"I can't have this conversation right now," I said as I got up from the edge of the bed.

"Adam's downstairs with Colleen. She's been hollering dada for the past thirty minutes," Macy smiled at me knowing I wanted a reason to leave the room fast.

"If you'll excuse me the love of my life is calling my name," I said.

I turned around before I left the room and smiled at Connor.

"You know I'm the love of your life. You are just afraid to admit it," he said.

I flicked him off as I left. I knew he was right though. He was the love of my life. I just wasn't ready to admit it to anyone.