Chapter Twenty-One
"Faster!" Rey commanded. She was working with a smaller Resistance fighter, new to the job that was living at the hut and strategizing for the war. Luke and Leia were talking by themselves. Rey had needed to get her mind off of everything that was happening. She had been concerned at first that training as hard as she did would put her and the baby at risk, but she was still angry at the thing for ruining everything so she decided she didn't care. She didn't even like to say 'baby'. She preferred not to think of it at all. "Ha!" she cried and swung her leg out and knocked him off his feet. He landed hard on his back and she saw that she had clearly knocked the wind out of him. "Take a break." She nodded in sympathy and walked a few yards away. She sighed, catching her breath.
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"Where should we begin with this?" Leia was pacing the room, wearing the dirt floors down. Luke was sitting on his mat, legs crossed, eyes closed, connecting with the Force while he listened to his sister's concerns. "I mean, we aren't prepared to handle something like this!"
"We need to take it day by day." He replied calmly.
"What does this mean for her? For him?" she hissed, referring to Kylo Ren. "Does he know? What will he do when he finds out?"
"He won't find out." Luke's eyes snapped open and he said his first decided thing all day. "He can't."
"You forget that they can't keep anything from each other." Leia pointed out.
"They haven't been speaking." He assure Leia. "I think that her condition might be affecting their bond."
"And what about her training? What will happen with that? What about when the child is born? What will it be like? Who will raise it?"
"Stop." Luke held his hands up to silence her.
"Don't tell me to stop!" Leia cried indignantly. She stared at Luke as he gestured to the door. Leia looked over and saw Rey standing meekly, eyes down, in the doorway. "Rey." Leia's voice softened. "Where have you been?"
"Training." Her voice was hoarse as if she had been crying. Or as if she hadn't spoken in many years. "But I needed to apologize. And to tell you both what really happened. You both deserve to know what went on."
"You don't have to." Luke stared her down. Rey knew it was his way of testing her. He wanted to see if she did the right thing.
"Yes I do." She nodded and looked up at them for the first time.
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"He was good to me." Rey sighed as she accepted the cup of tea Leia offered to her. The three of them were gathered around the kitchen table while Rey explained what had happened back on the ship. "In his own way. He got me food, gave me new bandages. Let me shower."
"Interesting way to treat a prisoner." Luke mused aloud.
"They wanted me to help them find you." Rey sighed. "Again. They couldn't have me dying on them."
"I don't think that's the only reason…"Leia pursed her lips. "Based off of the situation now."
"Maybe so." Rey admitted, a small blush creeping to her cheeks. "But no matter, he was still very angry and often yelled at me. It wasn't until the last night that I figured out that a lot of his anger was directed at the fact that he had compassion for me."
"More than compassion." Luke muttered. Rey sucked in a breath of either frustration or embarrassment. "You must be honest in your words, Padawan. I taught you that a long time ago. Sugar-coating never gets you anywhere."
"We read into each other's souls. We saw things no one else had seen about the other, felt what the other felt. We couldn't take it back. Instead of hating each other for it, I think we grew closer. And on that night, I don't know what came over me. His presence…I just…" she looked down, choked up at the thought of his arms around her, his teasing fingers…she-she missed him. She breathed deeply to calm herself and when she looked up again, her eyes were glassy. "I know it was completely selfish and impulsive. I should have had more control. But I didn't and I don't know how I'll ever be able to fix this." She finished and abruptly stood up and turned away from them. She hated to show such weakness. "He can never know, can he?" she spoke up quietly, biting her lip, already knowing the answer, the tears backing up.
"We don't know what would happen to the child if he did. No one in the First Order can ever know." Luke replied in his stoic voice. Rey choked on her tears as they dripped down her throat. She had known that he would never know, that she would never see him again, but hearing it for the first time, hearing it for real, was just too much to bear. She just couldn't stop thinking that he would never see their child, never know the thing that he had left with her. She would forever have to look at a piece of him. Never forget him.
"Where will I go?" Rey coughed lightly and bit the inside of her cheek, searching for all her will power to stop crying. "I can't stay here. I'm no use to the Resistance anymore, no use to Luke or the Jedi."
"You can't go anywhere but here." Leia spoke up, her voice firm but pitying at the same time. "We can't let you out there alone. As soon as the First Order discovers the fact that there's a child, and they will discover it, they won't let you get away again."
"Why?" Rey asked, turning back to face them, a slight bit of her composure regained.
"I calculated and based off of your health patterns, I believe you are at least a month pregnant." Leia began to explain. "The Force is already changing, shifting. That's how Luke knew. And the closer and closer the baby gets to being born, the more the Force changes. Which means that even if Kylo Ren doesn't find out, someone else will, someone strong in the Force. Which then means that the First Order will know. And Luke and I weren't the only ones that didn't want an heir to our line."
"You mean the First Order is opposed to an heir too?" Rey asked, trying to understand.
"Extremely." Leia nodded stiffly. "If there was an heir, history could repeat as Luke did with Darth Vader." As Leia said this, Luke retreated out the back door. The subject was probably still too emotional for him. "The child could bring the light back to its father and Snoke cannot let that happen."
"So basically no one wants this thing around." Rey laughed dryly. "So I'm not alone in that."
"Rey, don't be so hard on yourself. It's done, you can't change it. You have more important things to focus on." Leia saw the pain and resignation on the girl's face. "Padme did it and I know she loved Luke and me dearly. Don't blame the child for what happened. You should love it."
"I can't just yet." Rey spoke in honesty, voice firm and a bite coming with it. "This wasn't how things were supposed to happen."
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"She will continue her training." Luke announced to Leia at dinner that evening. "At least, until her condition inhibits her."
"I think that's wise." Leia nodded. "The girl has so much spirit and determination to offer."
"But we need to be careful, Leia." Luke lowered his voice and looked past his sister and into the main area. Rey was on one of the couches, small cup of tea in hand, having a conversation with two of the fighter pilots that had come to see the general. Leia saw his concern and mentally reminded herself to keep her voice down. "She was already seduced by the dark side once."
"She never once considered turning." Leia shook her head and opposed the notion altogether. "I see it in her eyes. Just like Padme never wanted to join Anakin. Rey knows the difference between right and wrong."
"Why do I get the feeling you're feeling guilty?" Luke asked slowly. Leia bowed her head, exasperated that he could read her so quickly. "You are." Luke sat up straighter. "You feel guilty. That's why you were so upset when Rey first told you."
"Of course I feel guilty." Leia hissed to him. "All this is happening because of my son!"
"Leia," Luke reached across the table and took her hand, "you put those feelings to rest a long time ago. You must remember, feeling guilty for something you had no control over will do nothing for you."
"Yes, but maybe if Han and I had done something Rey wouldn't be in this position right now." Leia looked down at her tea. "Of course that's completely irrational, I just feel so bad when I see that pained look on her face. That look she gets when she thinks of him. It hurts me."
"She is my student. It hurts me too."
"Doesn't seem like it." Leia scoffed. "You are still upset about the child and she senses it. Have you noticed how she keeps her distance from you now? You scared her away."
"What she did was wrong. I trained her better than that." Luke snapped.
"And I trained my son better but look where that got us!" Leia stood up and shook the dishes on the table. Luke looked at her in surprise. "Forgive me." She quieted her voice and sat down again slowly, making sure that no one in the other room had heard her. "That girl is still just as special, gifted as when you were first training her. She has a gift with the Force. She loves you like a father and she loves to learn. She is still your student. You must remember those things first and foremost."
"It was selfish of them to put us in this position." Luke muttered.
"It was. And it was selfish of you to flee when we needed you." Leia finally spoke what many members of the Resistance had been thinking for some time now. Luke's head snapped up at the words, eyes wide in shock. Leia normally kept control, rarely voicing such obvious complaints.
"Leia I-"
"But we move on." She cut him off and stood up again. "I'm tired, Luke. Very tired. I'm going to bed. We can talk tomorrow."
"I know it was selfish." He stood up too, stopping her in the doorway. "But I don't know how to fix that now."
"That's the point." Leia sighed and smoothed a wrinkle out of his shirt. "Oh Luke, Rey thinks that she has to fix this mess. A mess that involves so many things that she doesn't even know about. And the way you treat her makes her think she owes us something. You want to fix something? Fix that."
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"He was a wonderful student." Luke began. Rey looked up, startled. She was the last one left sitting in the main room, everyone else already gone to bed. Her cup of tea was gone and she watched as Luke sat down slowly next to her. "He was gifted, just like you."
"Ben Solo?" she tried to keep her mind detached.
"Don't try so hard. He will not see you." Luke interrupted her thoughts.
"I've noticed that." Rey closed her eyes and sighed. "I think my condition…"
"Yes that may very well be the reason."
"Even when we weren't talking, I could still always feel him." Rey admitted quietly.
"I know."
"It's just…" Rey decided to not continue, scared of what else Luke might judge her of. Luke saw the hesitancy in her face and knew that he needed to fix the damage he had done.
"Rey, I must apologize." He forced his voice, apologies never coming very easily to him. "I have sacrificed the quality of our relationship to be angry with you. Yes, what you did was wrong, but I have done selfish things as well. I left the Resistance and my sister for years. And not once did I apologize. And you have already done so much apologizing. Just know, that no matter your mistakes, I will always be your teacher. Me being there for you is what comes first. Teachers are supposed to be the ones that are most supportive in times of mistakes." He paused and watched as he saw slight signs of relief wash over her face. "So if you need to, I'd like to hear what you were going to say." He watched as she processed all he had said. Then she took a deep breath and he saw her eyes begin to fill with emotion.
"It's just hard." Her lip began to tremble and he saw how hard she was trying to contain herself. "I feel like I should be angry at him. I know how I should feel about him. But I don't and I know I never will feel how I should about him. He killed one of the best men I ever knew. He wages wars, stands for everything that is evil, deserted his friends and hurts whoever he wants."
"All this is true." Luke watched her crumble.
"So then how could I not feel terrible for loving someone like that?" she began to sob. He did not make a move to comfort her. She was an independent being. She hated to suffer with others. He gave her time until she could speak again. "I thought maybe the baby would affect things, you know now that I know. But it didn't. That scares me. It makes me love him even more. I see him, not like I used to, not visions, I dream about him. I dream about a different life we could have had together. Growing up I never even considered a thing as my own family when I was still waiting on the family I belonged to. And then I met Poe and Finn. And I couldn't even like one of them! No! It had to be the man that kills and hurts and takes!"
"Rey." Luke stopped her. "You speak of Kylo Ren."
"Yes."
"You do not speak of Ben. Ben gives. He loves deeply and cares for many. Ben isn't gone."
"I know that." Rey bit her lip and looked away. "But the thing is, I love both of them. And that's not good."
"You miss him." Luke perceived all of a sudden.
"Yes." She whispered hoarsely. "I do. It's good the connection is broken for now or I don't think I'd have the control to keep this from him." She referred to the child.
"It's probably for the best." Luke nodded solemnly. They sat in silence for a few more moments. And then he spoke again. "You should get some sleep."
"I stay up late now."
"Your body is getting ready for when you will be nurturing the baby." Luke explained. "But you cannot sacrifice your sleep. We are still training."
"Yes, that is true." Rey stood up and stretched. Luke stood up as well and both of them began to move towards the hallway until Luke stopped her.
"Rey," she turned at his words, "as a teacher, I know that the connection being broken is for the best." She nodded and he saw the pain coursing through her at the withdrawal of her other half. "But as a father-figure," she froze at the word, "I am deeply sorry. Leia and I hate to see you like this."
"It is what it is." Rey shrugged. "At least I have you guys."