This is part 2 of the fanfic I posted a while back 'A fourth year Hufflepuff in times of war'. I recommend to read it first.

31th November 1997

'Be careful, lay low, do as you are told, don't do anything foolish that way you don't get hurt'. I'm writing this down, because I need to remind myself of it. Dad has told me this numerous times, especially in the last two years, but it's just… I don't know how to say it. Doing nothing is supposed to be the easiest thing to do, except it isn't. It's hard to see how people are getting hurt and seeing how others enjoy hurting them. I bewitched my diary so nobody can read what I wrote in case they ever get their hands on this. Some of those I'm talking about are sleeping in the same dorm. Right now I can hear them talk about when there will be another victim they could practice the Cruciatus Curse on. I believe they even have bets going on about how long before it is that foolish Longbottom again. He certainly has received the highest number of punishments this year. I wonder what his family thinks of it. Somebody should tell HIM to lay low. Given that his parents are, you know, disabled, he should be extra careful, don't you think?

'Think of your mother, think of how she would feel if you get hurt.' I think of that all the time, but what about the victims' mother? What would they think? Obviously I'm not their son. I should think of my mother first, right?

15th February 1998

I can't believe that I didn't get caught! If they knew what I did I would be in the dungeons by now or worse. My hands are trembling writing this. We were patrolling the corridors last night, and some fools had painted slogans about how Dumbledore's Army is recruiting. (They are the kids that try to take the blame for others as often as they can, even if that means they get tortured). I don't know why they do it or what they want to accomplish by painting on the walls. If caught they get punished horribly. And it was our job the catch them and bring them in. Look if they do these kinds of things voluntarily, they can't blame me for doing what I'm told. They knew what they were risking. The thing is, I didn't do it. I found one of the DA members. I think I have seen her sitting at the Hufflepuff table, but I'm not sure, as most of the time it is Gryffindors like Longbottom who do things like this. She was hiding behind a tapestry and I saw her. And without thinking, I said there wasn't anyone there. I was looking straight into her eyes! Once I had said it I couldn't tell otherwise. I was so afraid that the others would find out! She would have been punished even worse. Not to speak about what it would have meant for me. They could even decide to punish mum and dad as well!

What would mum and dad say if they knew it? Is there any chance they would understand? I don't even understand it myself! I wish that I could talk to them right now, but I know that all letters are checked. I really hope they wouldn't get mad at me if they knew.

30th March 1998

Dear diary, a few weeks back I was wondering whether dad would understand me or not. I believe I know the answer to that now... I immediately knew that something was wrong when mum suddenly arrived at Hogwarts. I knew before she could say anything. I just don't have the words to write this down. I just can't believe that… His funeral is tomorrow. He died, got killed, murdered… I have heard so many words describing it… Mum, however, used the words: 'I knew that this was going to happen.' You know, it was part of dad's job to go after escaped Muggle-borns, enemies of the Dark Lord and everyone else that needed to be caught. Mum told me that she knew that he would die one day, because he could not bring himself to murder his opponents. It seems that every time he told me to just follow orders, he was also reminding himself. He knew how difficult it was and that things like this could happen. I just don't know what to think anymore. If I wish my dad would still be with us, am I wishing that he became a murderer?

If only I knew how to comfort my mother right now. I certainly can't tell her about the risks I have been taking these last weeks. I'm not sure how many people I have helped by looking the other way, lying and stuff like that, most of the time I didn't get to see their faces like the first time with that Hufflepuff girl. I should be more careful from now on. I can't risk getting caught. I can't do that to my mum. I promised her I will be careful.

2nd April 1998

3 days. I can keep a promise to my mum no longer than 3 days. To make it even worse, it was actually the first time I had to patrol the corridors after my dad's funeral. But the kid was only twelve, and he didn't even do anything wrong. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. If it was one of the DA people deliberately pissing off the Carrows for whatever reason, I would have handed him in.

Who am I kidding? I wouldn't even hand in that I'll-take-the-blame-Longbottom if I didn't absolutely have to.

In the meantime everyone around me is talking about how awful 'mudbloods' are and how I certainly hate them as it was one of them that killed my dad. Things would be easier if I could, but really? He had even less of a choice in this matter than my dad had. If there is anyone to blame for my father's death it's... No, I can't write that down. I can't even think that!

I'm scared. At this point I don't know what the consequences are going to be if they find out what I really think. This is not about spending a couple of days in the dungeons or receiving a Cruciatus Curse or two. If somebody ever finds out this is going to be a life sentence in Azkaban or death.
I can't stand the thought of my mother going through that after dad's death, but I can't stand the alternative either. I'm sorry mum. I'm so sorry.

14th April 1998

The Hufflepuff girl is called Kaylee! I know because another girl I recognised as one of her friends shouted it across the Great Hall (typical 14-year-old Hufflepuff girls behaviour, it's a miracle it didn't happen earlier) and she responded. I had to skip breakfast because I couldn't stop smiling and questions would be asked.

I know it's not that much, but it feels good to know her name. At this point I can use every bit of encouragement I can get. The Easter holidays are almost there. I have mixed feelings about them. Mum needs me. At dads funeral I told her I would stay with her but she insisted that I finish the school year. Obviously I need to go home, but I can't shake the thought that things could happen at Hogwarts that I would be able to prevent if I stayed. I don't even know if Kaylee is staying at Hogwarts or not. I hope she is sensible enough to go home and escape the harsh reality for a bit. However as most of the students who are working together with the Carrows are going home as well, if she wants to do something (and of course she wants to, because that's how she is) it would be a good moment to do so.

Merlin's pants, I can hardly believe myself. Am I really wondering whether it's a good time for some rebels to take action?

Why am I making it so difficult to myself? How can I face mum if I keep thinking such dangerous thoughts? She has already suffered so much.

At this point I only see one way to prevent more suffering, but I fear it's never gonna happen. A certain 17-year-old boy is probably hiding in Tibet or something, why would he risk everything for someone else?

2nd May 1998

I can't believe I left the Great Hall. I should have stayed. Even while McGonagall ordered us to leave and me specifically. I'm surprised she knew I was willing to stay, but she gestured me to leave. I saw her eyeing some young 'Death Eaters' that were already looking around for traitors. But still, I should have stayed. Even if I had had to fight Crabbe and Goyle because of it!

Or maybe not… Imagine that one of the first-years got caught in the fire. I'm certain that Crabbe, Goyle and those other Death Eater friends wouldn't have tried to disarm me, they would've used unforgivable curses. What if Kaylee had jumped in to help me and got hurt or even killed?

Oh dear Merlin, do you think Kaylee stayed?

Oh thank heaven, I took a look and saw her leaving the Hogshead. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't. What could I say? 'I'm glad you are safe and that you are not dying for a better world?' She would hate me for it. She probably already does so because I'm of age and didn't stay. If I was in her shoes I would. I have wished so many times that the Dark Lord would fall and now I do nothing to contribute to it. I do nothing to avenge my father's dead.

Mum came to pick me up at Hogsmeade. I didn't want to leave though, but she made me. I think she was afraid we'd lose and the Dark Lords punishment would be horrible. Wait, did I just write 'we' when talking about Harry Potter and his allies? I'm sorry but if we lose I'll have to burn this diary.

3d May 1998

We won! I probably shouldn't write we, as I did nothing to contribute to this victory. It's hardly worth mentioning that I did nothing to prevent it either. Crabbe tried to and he is dead now. He was one of my fellow housemates so I should probably feel sad or something, but all I can think of is his smile when he got to torture someone and I feel glad that he is gone. Is it bad to be glad someone is dead? I mean, other than the Dark Lord who sent my father to his doom?

However a lot of good people died to defeat him. Not Potter but others. Some of them were students. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are all mourning now. I feel like an intruder for feeling the same. I didn't know any of the victims that well. Especially last year there was almost no contact between Slytherin and the other houses.
Speaking of Slytherins there were some (adults) who fought for the right side. Professor Slughorn did, as I suspected he would, but believe it or not, even professor Snape was on our side after all. I heard that headmaster Dumbledore let himself get killed for, what do they call it, the greater good? I don't really understand why he would do that, but he did. Snape paid the highest price for his loyalty to Dumbledore though. He must have known it was gonna end like this but he still went through with it…

I told my mother about the things I did at Hogwarts. She was horrified at first, but later told me that my dad would be proud of me. I wish he would be here with us to celebrate today. If I could just talk to him one last time. I want to tell him that I'm proud of him too. That I knew it was difficult for him to leave us, but that he had to do the right thing.

30th July 2001

And again nothing. I don't even know why I keep trying. I have been turned down for three years straight now. Nobody wants to hire a pureblood Slytherin without his N.E.W.T.S. I hate it. I mean, I can't really blame them after everything that happened, but in the meantime it's unfair to us. If it were only me, I could live with it, but it does affect my mum too. She just wants me to find a good job, fall in love and start a family. It hurts me to see her hopes crushed with every rejection. For a job, I haven't been rejected by a girl of course as I haven't asked one out. I haven't even had a conversation with a girl other than mum in ages. I hardly speak to anyone other than when applying for jobs. I don't want anything to do with people who sided with the Dark Lord and those who opposed him don't want anything to do with me, so I'm kind of stuck. It's lonely sometimes. At least I have my mum, I'm thankful for that. Some people even lost that in the war.

7th August 2001

I met Kaylee again today! Do you remember her? She is that… Who am I kidding? Of course you do. I have written about her more times than I have been turned down for a job, including today. I was on my way back home when I saw her leaving Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. She looked in my direction and immediately recognised me. How is that even possible? I never even dared to speak to her!

And guess what happened next? She talked to me! I missed the first few sentences of what she said, because I just couldn't believe it. She thanked me for saving her all those years ago. I can't believe she even remembers!

Next she told me her name (which I already knew but I didn't tell her that) and asked for mine. You know what happened over the past few years when I have had to tell someone my name. You can always see the aversion in their eyes the moment they realise what I am.

Kaylee just… how shall I describe it… it was like a candle being lit. She sent me a huge smile and told me she had wanted to get to know me for years. (I swear I'm not making this up!)

She told me she is working to become an Auror. I told her that I wasn't surprised, that she had always had a way with danger. I immediately regretted it, because it doesn't really sound like a compliment, does it? She was quite happy with it though. Am I ever gonna be able to understand her?

Of course she then asked me what I am doing now. I really wish I could've tell told some fancy story, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her anything but the truth.

Have you ever seen an angry Hufflepuff? Well I have and it's quite… scary? Impressive? I don't know the right word but she was it. She kept going on about how unfair it was and that we fought for equality and so on (she said 'we' even while I didn't do much fighting).

I feel kind of guilty for spoiling her mood, but you know, it feels good to have someone who cares. And it isn't just words for her (of course) she promised me she would help me find a job! Her determination when she said that… like she was going to win another war. Or maybe it's still a part of the old war? We won a battle, but the war never really felt over to me. Not until today.

12th September 2001

You are never ever gonna believe what happened! I was with Kaylee today, and I got a message from the Post Office that I was hired. I was so excited and I… I kind of lost my mind. There is no other explanation. I, Roan Shafiq kissed Kaylee Jones. And she liked it! I can't believe it. She likes to be kissed by me. Please let this not be a dream.

So now I have to tell mum that I got a job and a girlfriend on the same day. I can call her my girlfriend, right? I didn't think about it at the time(I wasn't thinking at all, apparently) but do you have to ask some question to become boyfriend and girlfriend or is kissing enough? I'm past twenty. Why do I know so little about how dating works?

22th September 2001

I was invited for dinner at Kaylee's parents. I can tell you I was dead nervous. Especially about her dad. I mean his mother, Kaylee's grandmother, is a muggle and I'm a pureblood dating his daughter? But they were both really kind. Kaylee told them about the events at Hogwarts of course. (Although I suspect that she exaggerated some parts of it. She certainly was more courageous than me at that point. She was doing the sneaking around!) Yes, that's the word they use in Kaylee's family to describe what she, and I apparently, did 'courageous'. It does sound better than 'dangerous' in all honesty. Mum is calling me downstairs. I'll be right back.

Mum just got an owl from Kaylee's mother, inviting her to a gathering by some kind of middle-aged-witches-club. I could see how mum hesitated. You know, before the war she was a member of something like that, only it had been a pureblood-witches thing. I persuaded her to go though, she truly needs to come out of the house more often. Two sickles say they will talk about nothing but Kaylee and me. I can live with that. She was smiling when she responded.

As she had plans for the following day, there was no reason for me to not spend time with Kaylee, right? So I told her. You know what she said? 'You are not allowed to invite girls over when I'm not home!' How old does she think I am? Sixteen?
So Kaylee and I are going to Diagon Alley instead, clothes shopping for when I start my new job. Probably the most boring date ever, but what can I do?

23d September 2001

Note to self: a date with Kaylee is never ever gonna be boring EVER. It already started when we entered the Leaky Cauldron. Neville Longbottom was there as well. He frequents the pub quite often. That's because Hannah Abbott works there and everybody knows he's got a crush on her. Of course I never spoke to him. I watched him get tortured countless times while he was fighting the Carrows and I try to avoid him as much as possible. As I was with Kaylee, I expected that she would want to say hello. I wasn't prepared however for her to shout 'Hi there Neville, how are you?' the very moment we entered, while he was sitting at the other side of the room. Obviously everyone was looking at us when we went over at his table and they were still looking when Kaylee introduced me to Longbottom as her boyfriend. The first time Kaylee introduces me to someone other than her parents as her boyfriend and it's Neville Longbottom! I'm fairly sure he recognised me. He was a year above me, but everyone in the castle knew who was in Slytherin and who wasn't. He was really kind however and he sounded really sincere when he congratulated us. He and Kaylee proceeded to talk about how the other DA members were doing, the Auror training and his teaching job at Hogwarts. I kept quiet and tried not to think about how many times I considered him a fool for what he did at Hogwarts. I know better now, but it's kind of embarrassing.

In all honesty I was relieved when we went shopping.

Kaylee said she knew a nice shop so I followed her. I should have asked which shop she had in mind, but I only realised which one when she stopped at the door. So I had to tell her I couldn't go in because the owner had thrown me out a year earlier. 'Because you are pureblood?' she asked before I could say more. She was right of course and obviously there was nothing I could say or do to persuade her to ignore it and go somewhere else.

Luckily it was quite busy in the shop and Kaylee is sweet and cheerful and the total opposite of what people expect purebloods to behave like so we didn't have any problems at first.

We found some decent affordable robes for me and Kaylee bought us both a little owl pin. I suppose it's a nice touch for someone working at the Post Office? It will be nice to have something to remind me of her at work. Not that I won't be thinking of her all the time.

The trouble started when I went to pay for the clothes. He asked for our names and whether we had been in the shop before. I looked at Kaylee hoping she would say her name and we'd be done with it. Of course she didn't. Reluctantly I told him my 'sacred' 28 pureblood name. (Which isn't so 'sacred' anymore because, hey, I'm dating Kaylee. I probably should have bought a badge with 'bloodtraitor' on it to go with my owl pin.) But, as expected, he started shouting about how he made these clothes himself and that he wouldn't allow any filthy purebloods to wear them and so on. (It sounded an awful lot like how some purebloods I knew used to talk Muggle-borns and Muggles).
Kaylee answered him in a calm voice that it was illegal to deny someone services based on their blood status. That didn't help much. He proceeded to tell us that it was his shop and his clothes and he should get to decide whom he sold them to, meanwhile calling us and all purebloods an awful lot of names. (He didn't even consider that Kaylee could be a half-blood standing up for purebloods). Kaylee looked around hoping for some backup from the other customers but none came. Some didn't dare to and others seemed to even agree with him.

At that point Longbottom happened to enter the shop. (I bet that a certain magical coin Kaylee told me about had a role in it.) He pretended not to notice that something was going on. 'Hi Kaylee, hi Roan, nice to see you again' he said, like he had known me for ages and didn't get introduced to me just two hours prior. You should have seen their faces when 'war hero, snake-decapitating, Neville Longbottom' turned out to be on a first name basis with us. Actually he is a pureblood too, something the shop owner clearly hadn't considered when he talked about how 'all' purebloods were filth and stuff like that. Long story short, the shop owner was extremely embarrassed and so were the other customers and I only had to pay half the normal price for the clothes. I truly believe that no pureblood will be asked to leave that shop again, all because of Kaylee (with a little help from Neville).

Oh dear Merlin. It just occurred to me. Do those coins have a private messaging function or did Kaylee send to the whole DA: 'Hi Neville could you please come over here? There is a mean person not wanting to sell my boyfriend some pants'. Who am I kidding? Even if it were possible, she'd probably send it to the whole DA just because she could. Talking about making your relationship public…

After that we went for ice cream and an old bookstore where Kaylee recommend me some great books. Then we went for ice cream again because Kaylee had trouble deciding what to pick the first time. We even visited Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, which I had never dared to enter before. Of course Kaylee met some friends there and none of them condemned our relationship. Even George and Ron Weasley came over to talk to us. I believe I spotted two people in the crowd who turned me down for a job last month and they were totally baffled to see me in such company.

I have never had so much fun in one day as I had today. Mum had an amazing time with Kaylee's mum as well. She told me everything about it. They will have another meeting in two weeks and I haven't seen her so happy in years.

Afterwards we talked a lot about her and dad when they just started dating, but you know, it was kind of different this time. The happy memories were just that, happy memories, they weren't sad because he is gone. I still miss him every day and I wish he could meet Kaylee, but we can allow ourselves to be happy nonetheless. Things are finally turning out for the better. All because of Kaylee.