A/N I'd just like to say, officially, for the record, I hate writer's block! Hate it! You would have had this a few days ago, but my brain decided it didn't want to work this chapter out. Classical music is supposed to help me write. I listen to Elgar lately while I'm writing. In chapter 20 that worked fine. In this chapter originally? Nope! No way, no how, absolutely not! Someone please tell Derek to stop misbehaving! Grrr! He went all musing in this chapter originally which just doesn't do, not at all.
Hope you're all enjoying the new season of Grey's. Meredith and Derek are so not over! I may be crazy, but I'm beginning to see a change in Meredith. At least she can see that Derek is settling for what he can get at the moment. I think last season she would have been too wrapped up in herself to see it, and maybe Derek last season would have just got all angry and frustrated instead of seeing what is actually going on with Meredith. I have hope people! I'm warming to Cristina again and I still want to slap Izzie, so everything in my Grey's garden is rosy!
Anyway on with this. If Derek doesn't behave in this chapter I'm going to….I'm going to think of something horrible to do to him, so there! Please, read, review, and enjoy.
While Meredith was in the clinic reading the riot act to Izzie, Derek aimed for his tiny excuse for an office. He told himself he would catch up on paperwork, write case notes and make sure his patient files were up-to-date. However, he knew, if he was honest, he wanted to hide. He couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of the day being watched and talked about, and for once, he really didn't want to talk to Meredith again, not yet, so he decided to stay out of the way, He hoped to God no one interrupted him. He didn't need it, not now.
Derek went inside the small room, not much bigger than a supply closet, with a small interior window facing onto the corridor, and slammed the door harder than he really needed to, but, he reasoned, it made him feel better. Then he yanked down the blind covering the window, pulling on the string so roughly the plastic horizontal shutters smashed together in protest before giving up the fight and falling obediently into place. Realising he was practically standing in the dark, Derek reached out and flicked the light switch on the wall, which, after a few seconds hesitation where the bulb came to life several times only to fail, buzzing like an angry bee, filled the room with the cold, clinical brightness and vague, insistent hum of a strip-light. Derek told himself to get to work, to stop thinking, to shut out the hundred and one things whizzing around in his head. Instead, he began to pace, covering the small space between the desk and the window in four quick strides, before turning and repeating the journey in reverse, up and down, up and down, like a yo-yo. His mind did much the same.
After walking away from Meredith, all Derek could think was that Cristina Yang had won. Without even being in the room, she had finally managed to get Meredith all to herself. Derek knew as soon as Meredith admitted she'd told Yang about his problem, Cristina had taken advantage of the situation and broadcasted it to the whole hospital. It was as if she'd announced it on the P.A. system, in fact, Derek told himself, he wouldn't be surprised if she'd considered doing just that. Then again, he reasoned, she probably got more of a kick out of telling people herself, it was probably the ultimate power kick for her.
Derek tried not to think about Meredith. He tried not to wonder how long she stood in the scrub-room before she realised he'd gone. He told himself that if Meredith had just not said anything, none of this would have happened, and by now he would have talked to her properly, apologised for avoiding her, and they would be all right. But now all that was in ruins. Now Derek could see all too clearly that when it came to it, Meredith needed Cristina more than she needed him. It was one thing, he reasoned, to know that Meredith trusted her friends more than him, if he was honest, he understood that, something inside told him that he even deserved it, but it was something else to see that whatever he did, he could never win. As soon as Meredith had admitted she'd talked to Cristina about his problem, Derek knew what had happened. What he should have seen, he knew now, was that Meredith would immediately stand up for her friend, and he, once again, would be out in the cold. The thought washed over him like icy water. It stilled him for a second. Then, seeing the freezing hand of defeat in front of him, he threw himself into the chair at the desk and pulled some files from a drawer. He needed to work, to do something. Thinking was bad, it didn't help, it didn't change anything.
Derek continued to work for the next couple of hours, forcing himself to concentrate on the notes in front of him, rather than allow himself to think about Meredith or Cristina, or any of the rest of it. However, as much as he tried, he couldn't help thinking about the way Meredith looked when he found her in the scrub-room, how hurt she looked when he spoke to Bailey and referred to her as 'Grey', as if he was talking about just another doctor, rather than the woman he loved. As much as it would be easier right at that moment to tell himself otherwise, he knew that whatever had happened, he still loved Meredith. Somehow he knew instinctively, he always would. But, as he turned over the day in his mind, Derek made himself face the truth. Meredith had chosen her friends over him again. This time she'd turned to Cristina and it had led to him being humiliated all over the hospital. This time, as much as he loved her, as much as he knew he would always love her, it was over. They were done.
It was becoming dark by the time Derek was ready to leave the hospital. He gathered his briefcase together, snapping it shut firmly, and grabbed his jacket. Then, stretching to work out the stiffness of being sat for longer than he was used to, he got up and left his small office space, clicking off the light as he went and pulling the door closed behind himself.
Derek headed straight for the elevators. He thought for a moment about taking the stairs, telling himself that he could easily come across Meredith. He pushed the idea away, dismissing it firmly. He was a grown man, he told himself. He could deal with seeing Meredith for a couple of minutes in an elevator, he'd done it for months when Addison was around. Day in and day out, he seemed to come across Meredith in the confined spaces. He remembered how he used it as a way of just being near her just for a few minutes. They were the one place he could just be with Meredith and breathe her in, without having to feel like he was doing something wrong, until the doors opened and he had to go back to the real world, where he had a wife and responsibilities. But now Addison was gone, and Meredith had proved beyond doubt that she didn't need him. There was nothing special about elevators anymore.
As the doors of the elevator slid open, Derek's eyes were drawn to the person already in there, her head tilted to watch the floor numbers go by. She lowered her eyes and stared intently at her feet when the doors opened and moved over to make room. Derek immediately wished he'd taken the stairs after all. Instead, he moved automatically and found himself alone with Cristina Yang.
Cristina Yang stared down at her feet as the elevator doors opened to reveal Derek Shepherd. She shifted over, making room for him, though it was obvious they were alone. Cristina didn't move until the elevator shuddered back to life on it's way to the ground floor, and even then it was only to stare fixedly at the doors. She could just make out Shepherd in her peripheral vision, he was a blur in the corner of the enclosed space. He neither moved again, or spoke. He just stood, holding his briefcase in one hand, though Cristina could tell just by his stance, he would rather have been anywhere else at that moment than in that elevator with her. He looked ready to get out of there the very second the doors released them from their confinement. He was like a caged animal. All it needed, Cristina thought, was him to start pacing and snarling.
Cristina's mind went back over the day. She knew as soon as she saw Meredith in the locker-room that today was going to be weird, and it was. Then, when Meredith finally said what was wrong, why she'd been going around looking like an Adams Family understudy, everything fell into place. Shepherd couldn't get it up, and he wasn't doing a damned thing about it, and in the process he was ignoring Meredith and scaring the crap out of her. Part of Cristina had wanted to find Shepherd there and then and wake him up to what he was doing. Hadn't he already messed Meredith up enough? In the end Cristina decided she was better off staying out of it. If Meredith had wanted her to do something she would have asked, it was simple. She decided it could wait…for now.
When Cristina left Meredith after their talk in the locker-room, Meredith looked better. Cristina carried on with her day, pushing everything else into the back of her mind. It was lunchtime before she had a chance to see Meredith again, and when she did, she knew she'd missed something. Meredith looked upset. She looked almost ready to cry or hit someone, or probably both. Somehow Cristina wasn't surprised as Meredith blurted out that Izzie had listened in to them in the locker-room that morning, and now it was all over the hospital. Normally anything that knocked McDreamy off his perch would give Cristina pleasure, but this was different. Meredith was upset, almost distraught. Then Meredith said that Derek had accused her of telling people, and called her a liar when she denied it. Then, when Meredith told him that she'd told Cristina, Shepherd had put two and two together and made five. He decided that it was her, Cristina, who had gossiped.
As soon as she heard what Meredith had to say, Cristina felt like laughing. It was obvious to her that Izzie had opened her mouth, it was exactly what she would do. Shepherd was stupid not to see it. Then Cristina saw the mess Meredith was in again and she knew what had happened. Shepherd had decided that she had put his business out into the open, so when Meredith stood up for her, he had taken it personally. Meredith was convinced that Derek had dropped her, and it was Izzie's fault. Cristina would have loved a chance to go and have a few words with Izzie herself, but Meredith wouldn't let her, telling her it was already done. However, she decided now, this might be the best chance she could have to kick McDreamy into touch. She reached out and pushed the emergency stop button. The elevator shuddered to a halt. She turned abruptly, facing Shepherd, who was doing everything in his power not to look at her. He tried to say something before his mouth shut, enclosing them both in silence.
Derek stood in the back of the elevator, leaning against the hand-rail as if he was trying to push himself through the walls. All he wanted to do was get out of there, before he could say or do something that would be completely unprofessional, unethical, or maybe even illegal. Rage coiled up inside him, he felt as if it would take nothing at all for him to explode with it.
For the first time he wondered what it would feel like to hit a woman. The thought made him shudder. In all their arguments, even on the night he found her in bed with his best friend, he had never even considered raising a hand to Addison. As frustrating as she could be sometimes, he knew even now, he would die before he could ever hurt Meredith, at least physically. He might say things, stupid, cruel things, but he could never, ever hit her. Part of him knew even before that terrible night when he stood in paralysed disbelief as Thatcher Grey slapped his daughter right across the face, he could never do that. Somehow he knew instinctively, a man, a real man, never raised his hands to a woman. He might have play-fought with his sisters, especially Nancy, when they were kids, but he had never thought about hitting a woman in anger until now as he stared at Cristina Yang's back. He wanted to go over and grab her, shake her, and knock that cold, distant look out of her eyes. He wanted to smash her, break her, just like she'd broken him. By sheer force of will he made himself stay exactly where he was, knowing that if he did what he wanted there would be repercussions. The Chief would be forced to fire him, and with something like assaulting a Resident on his record, even he, a world renowned surgeon, would struggle to get work again, at least in a hospital. The police would have to be involved for sure, which would wreck his career and his reputation, and Meredith….Meredith would never, ever, forgive him. Never. As much as he could see they were over, he couldn't stand to think of Meredith hating him, even if he'd already done more than enough to make her.
Derek came out of his thoughts when he suddenly realised the elevator wasn't moving anymore. He watched as Yang's hand went back to her side, falling away from the emergency stop button. 'What are you…..?' The question died in the back of his throat as Yang turned and faced him. He struggled with his thoughts, trying not to look at the woman in front of him who seconds before he wanted to hurt. Something inside him deflated. He shut his mouth and waited.
Cristina Yang stared at her boss, watching as his mind caught up with him. She saw everything he felt in his face, anger, resentment, rage, confusion. Everything it was possible to feel was coming out of Shepherd's features. Just for a split second, Cristina faltered. She shouldn't do this, she told herself. Meredith was upset enough, wouldn't interfering make it worse? It wasn't her business, she reasoned, she should stay out of it. Meredith was her friend, and Shepherd was her boss. She should definitely stay out of it. Then she thought. She saw her empty apartment, where she went home alone at the end of each shift, or, whenever she could, she avoided like there was something toxic in the walls, choosing to work all the hours she could rather than go back to that building, where there was nothing but ghosts and unopened wedding gifts. No, she decided. Meredith was her friend.
Looking up into Derek Shepherd's blue eyes, Cristina spoke. 'We need to talk.' Then clamping her mouth shut, she waited.
A/N I am sorry, you seem to have ended up with yet another cliff-hanger. I'm so sorry, and I hope they are not cheesy now. I have a lot to work through in this part of the story and it seems to work better if I break it down bit by bit, rather than having chapters that cover a lot of the story in a long-winded way. I would rather drip-feed you stuff and allow you to take that in, rather than rush through and have it sound false. I just hope it doesn't get boring, but if it does, tell me, and I'll speed up. However, I definitely think there will be real movement in the next chapter.
My thanks to those of you who pointed out that there is no 'h' in Cristina Yang's name. I had a feeling there wasn't and at some point I'll go back and change the earlier chapters. At least the 'e' in Sloan seems to be interchangeable! I think I've left it out, so that is how I'll continue if he comes up again….which he might.
My thanks to you all for all the lovely comments to the previous chapter. Over 130 now! Diane, I'll drop you a line privately. I'll also reply to all reviews asap. More soon, promise.