"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, I asked our explorers some fair, unbiased, and 100 percent true questions, but unfortunately all of them were too stupid to get them right. Noah and Cody had some marginal luck with a few of the questions; and Gwen was able to answer one too, but in the end the only one whose mind was truly up to par was Izzy, who was given immunity. Meanwhile, Tyler, who thinks the square root of one hundred and sixty nine is twenty-seven, got eliminated. Now only six explorers remain! And which ones will continue to stay? Find out, here on Total. Drama. Fortress!" Chris introduced the show.
Izzy held the key in her hand, and opened the door. "Ladies first!" she shouted, gesturing to Gwen.
"Uh, thanks?" Gwen said, confusedly.
Izzy gave an expectant look to Noah, who gave her an incredulous look in return, but then sighed and walked in before she did. Then Cody and Harold followed, along with Owen.
"Um, Izzy and Owen?" Gwen asked, "Can I talk to you guys?"
"Oh, yes," Izzy said. "What do you need?"
"Do you think it was smart of us to vote off Tyler?" Gwen asked, "I mean, now the nerds are equal our numbers."
"So?" Owen asked, expectantly, "They're awesome!"
"Well, I mean," Gwen said, "Look at them." She gestured to Noah, Cody, and Harold who were congregating on the other side of the room. "Don't you think there's an alliance there?"
"Of course! And…?" Izzy asked, hoping Gwen would elaborate.
"Well, what's stopping them from getting rid of all of us?" Gwen asked.
"Well, I mean, I wouldn't be mad if one of them won," Izzy said. "It's not like they're liars or fakes, after all."
"Yeah," Owen said, "Besides, I'm going to quit as soon as I get done with my resignation speech." He took out a piece of paper and began writing on it.
Gwen gently took his hand down and said, "Owen. Not right now, okay? Can't I get you guys to at least ensure a tiebreaker?"
"Sure," Izzy said.
"But we need to know who we want to vote off," Gwen said.
"Oh, we do," Izzy said.
Gwen said Noah's name, Owen said Cody's name, and Izzy said Harold's name all at the same time.
"I don't think that's going to work after all," Owen said sadly.
"Well, Izzy, why do you want to vote off Harold?" Gwen asked.
Izzy stared at her blankly and said, "Surely you must know by now."
"Point taken," Gwen said and then turned to Owen and asked, "Owen, why do you want to vote off Cody?"
"Well, I mean Noah's the coolest guy ever so I don't want to get rid of him, and Harold… well, I guess it's okay if we vote off Harold instead."
"But Harold's not as much of a threat as Noah is," Gwen pointed out.
"Oh no, oh no! It's London all over again!" Owen shouted grabbing his head.
"Owen! Get yourself together!" Izzy said, slapping Owen. "It's two to one! Harold it is."
Meanwhile Noah said, "Guys, we have to get immunity today. Look at those guys talking about us behind our backs. Izzy and Owen better not be planning to betray me…"
"Honestly, Noah, you can't even trust your own friends?" Harold asked, "For Pete's sake, could you be more cynical?"
"I could," Noah said, "But I won't."
"Well, don't worry," Cody said, "For I have a plan."
"What's your plan?" Noah asked.
"Ask me later," Cody said, when he noticed Chris coming.
"Good day, explorers!" Chris shouted. "Welcome to the room. Now, this will be a pair challenge so find a partner."
"Noah," Cody said, "We should pair up with them. That way, no matter who wins immunity, there won't be anyone who's totally hosed."
"That's actually… a really, really good idea, Cody," Noah responded. "Alright, go get Gwen. I'll go ask Izzy."
(In the confessional, Cody said, "Oh, yes! I've been complimented for my ideas before but… I got a compliment for my idea from Noah. Noah! Who is not only smarter than I am, but also ridiculously critical! I feel like I'm walking on air!")
"Hey, Gwen," Cody said, "We should pair up."
"Umm, well," Gwen said, surveying the group. "I guess you are the best choice here…"
"Thanks," Cody said, standing very close to Gwen.
"Maybe you shouldn't stand so close to me," Gwen said, pulling away.
"Hey, Izzy, will you…?" Noah began asking, but then Izzy walked away and found Owen.
"Hey, Owen will you be my partner?" Izzy asked, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes.
Owen smiled, picking her up, and saying, "Of course, Izzy!"
Noah looked on, saying under his breath, "…Never mind." He went and found Harold, and told him, "I guess you and I are partners…"
"Well, just don't get too much cynicism in my idealism," Harold said.
"And vice versa," Noah told him in return. He then turned to Cody and said, "Please, for the love of god, win."
"Win? Hey, why are you…?" he asked.
"I'll tell you later, Cody," Noah said, "We have to start the challenge."
"Okay," Chris said, "You all partnered up? Now it's time to start. In this chamber there are three checkpoints you must pass. Chef Hatchet is guarding the first two, and I will be guarding the third. The checkpoints will result in a Trivia or Dare. You have to answer some sort of trivia about this season or any season before, or you will have to do a dare that either Chef or I will give you."
"Don't worry," Harold said, "Noah, I know everything about this season and every season before."
"Sure you do," Noah said. "Quick! Tell me who got eliminated twelfth in season two!"
"Umm… me?" Harold asked.
"Wow, Harold, you are really bad at mental math, aren't you?" Noah asked.
"Okay, but what are the odds of the questions being like that?" Harold asked.
"Tempting fate again, I see," Noah said.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "Does he think it's okay to just flat out ignore my request like that? I mean, if I hear Noah say that I'm 'tempting fate' one more time, I'm going to tempt his fate! Okay, yeah, maybe that was a little harsh.")
"Hey, Gwen," Cody said, "Are you ready for Trivia or Dare?"
"Meh, I guess, Cody," Gwen said.
"Oh boy," Cody said, "I know that we'll…"
Cody and Gwen were stopped by Chef Hatchet, dressed like a Mountie.
"Nice outfit, officer," Cody commented, smiling. "Oh, no, are we in trouble?"
"Yes," Chef Hatchet answered, smiling back, and starting to laugh, "Well, you see, I have to arrest you for being a dork."
"Oh no!" Cody shouted, and then he put his hands on his face. "Isn't there anything I can do to get off the hook?"
"Yes," Chef Hatchet responded, "You can tell me what team you guys were on at Camp Wawanakwa in the form of a fight cheer or… you can dip yourself in this 'white goo'." He pointed to a kiddy pool that was full of some sort of nondescript white viscous liquid, which had a badly painted picket sign in it that read "White Goo".
"Hmm," Cody said, "What do you think, Gwen?"
"Well," she said, "I certainly think that the 'white goo' is questionable at best."
"Then I guess, we'll do the fight cheer. Give me a 'P'!"
"A P?" Gwen asked.
"You'll see!" Cody responded. "Give me an 'H' and an 'E'"
"An H and an E?" Gwen asked.
"Please trust me!" Cody shouted. "Now give me an R!"
"An R," Gwen responded, looking happier about where this was going.
"Not that far," Cody said, "Give me an S!"
"S!" Gwen shouted.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Cody responded. "Now what does that spell?" He looked to Chef Hatchet expectantly.
"Uh… Phers?" Chef Hatchet asked.
"Go-o-o-o-o-o Phers!" Cody said.
"Louder!" Gwen demanded.
"GOOOOOOOOOPHERS!" Cody shouted.
"Louder!" Gwen requested once more.
Cody screamed at the top of his lungs, "GOPHERS!"
"Well, well, well," Chef Hatchet said. "I'm just amazed. Go on ahead! You two deserve it! For being so entertaining."
"Alright," Cody said, and then he and Gwen gave a high five.
(In the confessional, Cody said, "Okay, so yeah, I know that was the corniest thing ever, but if I know Chef, he likes a good share of corn. That's why he makes it more often than peas and carrots!" He made a rim shot noise with his mouth, and then said, "Okay, fine, I'll stop.")
"Okay, so if my calculations are correct, we should be near Chef Hatchet," Izzy said.
"Really?" Owen asked. He looked around and noticed that the aforementioned staff was nowhere to be found. "Umm, are you sure we went the right way?"
"I don't know," Izzy said, "I really don't know." She turned around and said, "Oh, of course! They're over there." She saw Noah and Harold reaching the point. "Come on, we have to go over there."
"Don't worry," Owen said, "I'll get there for sure!"
"Hey, Corporal," Noah said, "Is there any chance we can get through this?"
"He's not a Corporal, Noah. He's a Constable," Harold said.
"No, I'm pretty sure he's a Corporal," Noah said.
"No, see, look, there's no rank en…" Harold said.
"It's right there, you're just not looking hard enough," Noah said, and then they got into a sissy slap fight.
"Look, I'm just a cook in a costume, and I'd be more than happy to role play with you two but only if you don't argue about what rank I am! I don't even know," Chef Hatchet said. He cleared his throat and said, "Young man, it has come to my attention that you are too smart for society, so I'm going to put you into solitary confinement unless you and your companion can either tell me who came in tenth place on the world tour or you can taste this 'white goo.'"
"No problem," Noah said, "In fact, I'll do both. It was Tyler. Now, where's that 'white goo' as you called it?" He put his finger in it and tasted it. "Just as I suspected; mayonnaise."
"That was… umm… strange," Harold said. "Why did you do both?"
"To delay," Noah said. "I don't want us to win, or else Cody will get voted off for sure."
"Well, actually, you two," Chef Hatchet said, "Because you technically did both a Trivia and a Dare, you can move on to the final checkpoint."
"What?" Noah asked. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. It was against what I wanted to happen so of course it happened."
"Relax, Noah, we can still lose to Cody!" Harold shouted. "In fact, I think he's already ahead of us."
"What have I told you about irony, Harold?" Noah asked.
"It likes to follow people who think they're psychic?" Harold asked.
"Exactly, so shut up," Noah said.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "That Noah's a real grapefruit. He's bitter and sour and not sweet at all! But at least he's honest, so I guess that's something.")
"Okay," Chef Hatchet said, when he saw Cody and Gwen, "I have some bad news. Noah and Harold have usurped the lead. So because I like you two so much, I'm going to ask this question quickly. I assume you don't want to touch the 'black goo.'"
"You guys really put a lot of creative effort into these dares, didn't you?" Gwen asked.
"Well, they were Chris's ideas, not mine!" Chef Hatchet responded, "Mine would be way better. Anyway, as of this season, who has been in the top ten four times?"
"Owen," Gwen and Cody both answered in unison.
"Well, yeah," Chef Hatchet said, "What is it about that guy?"
"Who knows?" Gwen asked, shrugging. "He's just never on the tip of our tongues, I guess."
(In the confessional, Cody said, "It wasn't until that moment that I realized… the answer isn't Duncan! Which is good, because he stole the victory from Beth… but I guess that Owen stole it from Gwen too, so… why is it always those people who get the most playtime?")
"Hmm, Izzy?" Owen said, "Do you think we're nearby?"
"Oh, absolutely," Izzy responded. "There's Chef Hatchet. Wait a minute… no, that's not Chef Hatchet! It looks like Chef Hatchet but it's actually a policeman! Hide me!"
"I thought that you and the police were on good terms again," Owen said.
"I thought so too," Izzy said, "But I guess I was wrong. Why else would he be here?"
"Good question," Owen responded. Izzy and Owen hid behind the wall. "Maybe we should get out of here."
"Agreed," Izzy said, as she slunk backwards, and she and Owen both ran.
Meanwhile, Chef Hatchet was standing waiting for Izzy and Owen to show up. He called, "Hey, Chris! Chris! Get over here!"
"Ugh, what?" Chris whined, "I was just getting into my whole final checkpoint groove, man."
"Uh, there are six contestants left, right?" Chef Hatchet asked.
"Yeah, of course," Chris said. "Why?"
"It's been a pretty long time and I've only seen four of them," Chef Hatchet said, shrugging.
"Well, maybe they got lost," Chris said, "After all, this is a pretty massive fortress."
"Of course it is," Chef Hatchet said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Chris asked.
"Oh, nothing," Chef Hatchet denied.
"Anyway, I have to get back to my location," Chris said, as he pointed to the final checkpoint.
"Good luck," Chef Hatchet said, saluting Chris and then standing and waiting for the duo to arrive.
Cody and Gwen showed up at the third checkpoint. "Alright," Cody said, "We're ready for anything! Give us the last set, Chris!"
"Alright, so you can either tell me the exact average rank of LeShawna in decimal form, or you can climb this tower using only your hands," Chris said. He gestured to a tower that was about twice as tall as Gwen.
"Hmm…" Cody said, turning to Gwen. "What do you think?"
"I think," Gwen said, "Hmm, well, I think that we should try the tower. It seems more doable."
"Are you sure? Because with a little bit of time, I could easily figure out…" Cody began.
"No," Gwen said, "I'll just climb this tower and be done with it."
"Just be careful," Cody said, as Gwen began to climb the tower. He turned to Chris and asked, "Decimal form, hmm… funny that. Because, just out of curiosity, Chris, wouldn't LeShawna's average rank happen to be a whole number?"
"A whole number?" Chris asked. "Pft, no, why would it be a…?"
"Chris," Cody asked, "Do you even know what LeShawna's average rank is?"
"Of course I…" Chris began.
"It's ten, Chris. Ten. No decimals at all," Cody responded.
"Wait, ten… that can't be right, can it?" Chris asked.
"It's ten. You can check if you don't believe me," Cody said smugly.
"Well, I don't think I want to give you credit for claiming to call my bluff, so… I guess we'll just have to wait for Gwen to climb the tower the rest of the way," Chris said.
Gwen climbed the tower, and once she reached the top she asked, "Is that good enough for you? Or do I need to put that in decimal form too?"
"Congratulations, Gwen!" Chris shouted excitedly. Then, in a much less excited tone he added, "And Cody."
(In the confessional, Cody said, "I mean, once I remembered when she got voted off—I realized that there were two sets of counterparts, which very easily showed the average. Now as for why I remembered that in the first place, well… let's just say that Harold won't be quiet about it.")
"Okay," Chris said, handing the key to Gwen and Cody. "You two won, which means you are safe."
Harold and Noah showed up immediately afterwards. "And you two are facing elimination."
"Yes!" Noah cheered, and then he said, "Alright, irony, we're best pals, right now!"
"Umm, what?" Chris asked flatly.
"It makes sense in context, I assure you," Harold told Chris.
"And so are Izzy and Owen, wherever they are…" Chris said. He walked over to Chef Hatchet and asked, "Have you seen them yet?"
"No," Chef Hatchet said, "I don't know where they are." Izzy and Owen were still hiding.
"Do you think it's safe to come out now?" Owen asked Izzy.
"I… don't know," Izzy responded.
"Oh, look, Noah's coming over here," Owen said. "Oh, boy!"
Noah approached Izzy and Owen, and when he got there, Izzy said, "Hi, Noah!"
"Save the chit-chat for later, scatterbrain. Right now we need to go to the elimination ceremony," Noah said.
"Oh, yeah," Izzy said, "The challenge… did you win?"
"Thankfully not. So if you guys were planning to get Cody out, you can't do it," Noah said.
"Oh, don't worry, we weren't going to vote for Cody anyway," Owen said, "Well maybe I wanted to a little but I got over it."
"Whatever, guys," Noah said, "Come on."
Owen and Izzy followed Noah. Then, they met up with the others. Izzy and Owen went over to find Gwen.
"We all know who we're voting for, right guys?" Gwen asked. "Right?"
"Yeah, we do," Owen said, pointing in the direction of Noah and Harold talking, "That guy."
"Good," Gwen said, and then she left them alone.
"I'm glad that Gwen finally understood that we weren't going to vote off Noah," Owen said to Izzy.
Noah said, "Harold, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That today's challenge was insufferable?" Harold asked.
"Exactly," Noah responded, "And you know whose fault that was? Izzy."
"True," Harold said, "I was going to vote for her anyway."
"But I'm just wondering, would I be a terrible person to vote off one of my friends just because she didn't listen to me when I asked her to join up with me and left me stuck with someone I have virtually no chemistry with during a challenge where we had a plan that epically backfired, because she didn't listen to me?" Noah asked.
"Noah," Harold said, "Don't let me define your morals. If you think it would be wrong, then don't do it. Vote for me instead, if you must."
"No," Noah said, "I won't vote for you just because you and I have our differences. We have a lot in common too. If I have to word my question that bitterly, I already know the answer is 'only in the eyes of society'."
"Okay," Harold said.
The votes were cast, and they met in the elimination chamber. "Alright," Chris said, "Cody and Gwen, you two are safe. Three of you are also safe today. Owen, you're one of the three. Noah, you too."
Owen said, "Alright!"
"And the last bag of pyrite goes to…" Chris began.
"I hope it's me! I hope it's me!" Harold said, with his fingers crossed.
"Come on Noah, don't let me down," Izzy said, moving her fists up and down.
"…Harold," Chris finished, handing the bag to him.
"Awesome!" Harold shouted.
"What?" Izzy asked, "Noah, you betrayed me!"
"You ruined our plan, Izzy! And you left me stuck with Harold!" Noah shouted.
"And to think I voted for Harold so that you could stay in the game," Izzy said, "Why I am just shocked. Some friend you are."
"Izzy," Noah began, "I'm really sorry..."
Izzy said, sticking her tongue out, "Psych! It's totally okay, Noah! I don't even care. Psh, you should have seen the look on your face! You were all, 'Oh no, Izzy hates me.'"
"Yeah," Noah said, "That's the most hilarious thing ever…"
"Izzy," Owen said, "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you guys too," Izzy said. She allowed the Trap of Shame to open under her. Then when she hit the bottom, she shouted up, "Hey cool! Did you know it smells like soap down here?"
"So, how's that resignation speech coming along?" Noah asked.
"Any day now," Owen said.
"Well, it looks like Gwen's little alliance is starting to fall apart already. Not a good sign. What will become of her now that Izzy is gone? Will Noah, Harold, and Cody's nerdiness rub off on her? What about Owen? Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris finished.