Chapter 21: "Lost and Found"
Monday following the slumber party, I was supposed to join Data for another tutoring session, but was compelled to stop at the Parises' quarters first. They would only be with us for a couple more days as the entire Voyager crew was to disembark the Enterprise once we reached Earth. Eventually, most of them would take on new assignments, and I'd likely never see any of them again. Although embarrassed by the pajama incident, I could not let Jeremy leave without resolving the issue.
A blond-haired man answered the door, and I assumed he was Jeremy's father. "You must be Shannara," he said with a smirk. "I've heard a lot about you."
Did everyone in the universe know who I was? I was not the super heroine the Voyager crew imagined. I wished the Traveler would show up and take the credit. Or even Q. He had been the one who had convinced me to tap into the gift he had given me. Let them play heroes.
"The stories of my accomplishments are greatly exaggerated," I told him.
"My son thinks your dream to live in a house is pretty nifty. He's asked me if we could take a trip to Betazed. I am thinking about it. Exploring our home quadrant actually sounds like a great idea."
"Oh," I mouthed. I was a bit confused, but I didn't want to admit it. I hadn't realized that I'd impressed Jeremy so much with my dream, not my heroism. "I might take a trip to Betazed soon, too, with my Grandma. If my parents let me."
B'Elanna stepped up from behind her husband. "Tom, why are you making her stand out in the corridor? Invite her inside!"
With embarrassment, Tom stepped aside and I followed B'Elanna to the sofa. "Shannara, if you've come to see Jeremy or Sierra, I sent them off to school just a few minutes ago. There's no reason why they shouldn't continue their education while we're in transit."
"Of course not." I should have expected this. I felt foolish having stopped by, putting my own education on hold. "I was on my way for a tutoring session with Data, actually, and I thought I would just stop by briefly and see them-"
"Have a seat," B'Elanna said in a warm tone, pointing to the sofa. "I'd like to share a story with you before you leave if you don't mind."
"I'd like that," I replied as we both sat down on the sofa. I set my data padd on the coffee table and settled in comfortably, almost as at ease with this woman as I felt with my own Mother. "My father has shared many stories about Klingon mythology with me. Is that what your story is about?"
"Not exactly. This story is personal. I want to share an experience that happened to me when I was younger than you are now. Maybe it will somehow help you cope better with the problems you face in the future." She paused, her eyes drifting toward her hands, but her mind was somewhere more distant. "My father, John Torres, left my mother when I was only five. For a long time, I blamed myself. I believed I hadn't been a perfect daughter for him, and that he could not love me because of my Klingon temper. I wished desperately not to be Klingon. If only I was fully human like all the other children in the colony in which we had lived, he would have loved me."
I reflected on my wish to be completely human or completely Betazoid. Also humiliated when associating with others who didn't share my heritage, I empathized with B'Elanna.
"My peers made fun of my differences and refused to notice the ways I was similar to them," B'Elanna continued. "Before you began having tutoring lessons, I'm sure you dealt with the same ridicule at school."
I nodded, remembering my dealings with Tammy. Although my doubts had begun long before I had met her, the experience had deepened my shame and guilt for what I was.
"I couldn't change my physical characteristics," B'Elanna continued, "but I denied any Klingon impulses and behaved as only a human child would. Then maybe the other children would accept me and would want to play with me. Even early into adulthood, I found it difficult to accept what I was. I rebelled against authority, sure of one thing: I was not good enough."
"That changed?" I asked, eager to learn how to overcome my insecurities.
She smiled and raised her arm to glide her fingers down my cheek and jaw. "There is beauty inside you. I don't want you to take as long as I did to realize that."
I glanced toward her husband, wondering how much he had to do with her self-acceptance. If I had someone who could offer me moral support; a friend who would always be there, I would have confidence in who I was. "I don't feel beautiful."
"Look in the eyes of the people who love you. Your mother sees your beauty. Worf, your father, has always felt great pride at being Klingon despite having lived most of his life among humans. Commander Data-"
"But he's an android. He doesn't dislike anyone or anything."
"Are you sure? I hear his emotions chip has rendered him capable of experiencing a wide range of feelings. If you were to ask him to describe some of the negative emotions he's had to deal with, do you believe hatred would not be among them? As long as you've known him, are you telling me that you've never witnessed him demonstrating any anger, pain, or animosity?"
"Well, he sometimes gets upset when something doesn't go as planned. Doesn't that happen to everyone?"
B'Elanna hesitated. Perhaps, my question was not as simple as I had thought. "Yes. Everyone experiences failure; and Data, like everyone, can't always control his reactions. But we are straying from the point I was trying to make. I don't want you to feel as though you are lesser of a person than others, because you come from a mixed heritage. If anything, your mixed heritage further enriches who you are. Stand proud, young lady."
Please, don't let me cry! I wished desperately as I was moved by her words. "Will you be my friend?" I asked.
"Of course, dear," she said. "I am honored to have you as my friend."
Her husband drew closer to us and, leaning against the sofa, gently squeezed her shoulders. "We are your friends. Always count on that."
B'Elanna reached up to grasp his hand and smiled in approval. I didn't need to use my empathy to know that they were still very much in love. Their children were lucky to have them for parents. As I stared at them, I reflected on my conversation with B'Elanna and realized I was fortunate to also have two parents who loved each other as much as they loved me. Our families didn't have to break up. History would not repeat itself here. The little girl inside B'Elanna Torres, lost so long ago, did not feel abandoned anymore.
"Thank you for the story and especially for the friendship," I said. "I must go before Data starts paging me. After school lets out, maybe I'll stop by again to see my new friends."
"You're always welcome at the Parises," Tom promised.
Happily, I strolled toward Data's quarters finally filled with the confidence that had been lacking in my life. Was there anything wrong with being the prodigy child? Direction seemed within my grasp. Did I have reason to be proud of my Klingon heritage? Die with honor. I'd rather live with honor. And now that I had friends, I could live happily.
Maybe being a heroine wasn't so bad, I conceded. I should ask Data about this Traveler. If anyone aboard the Enterprise knew anything about the Traveler, Data probably would.
I pressed Data's annunciator and waited momentarily for his familiar "come in." When I stepped inside, I found him sitting on the sofa with a young female officer, smiles lingering like ghosts on their faces. Sensing her, I felt warmth radiating toward Data. I should not probe her. Shannara, you know better, I chastised myself. I probed her anyway. She loved Data. I backed off before picking up any of her thoughts.
He obviously had been too attentive of her to express any concern over my lateness. How long had he been seeing her? And did he love her? As a friend? Did he love her more than me?
"Shannara, this is Ensign Veronica Hamilton. She was just having breakfast with me."
Just. I fixated on the word. They were just having breakfast together, and she was still here when it was past time for my tutoring session with Data. "Why?" I uttered without thinking and faltered on any means of escape. "You want me to leave?"
"Don't be silly," the new girlfriend said. "Data told me you were coming. So I'll leave you two alone." She turned toward Data and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Dinner tonight?" He nodded. She wanted more, but I was keeping her from it. I knew-maybe I shouldn't, but I knew-Data was fully functional. And I was not naive to what that meant. I watched her walk to the door, willing her steps closer to departure.
Once Data and I were alone, I attempted unsuccessfully to shove the idea of Data with a girlfriend out of my mind. Thoughts of him, not as my mentor, but rather as an android-fully functional interfered. Oh, I couldn't bare it if he and this Ensign Veronica had done more than just breakfast together.
"Where is your data padd?" he asked.
Looking down at my empty hands, I suddenly realized I had left my data padd inside the Parises quarters. Why was I so stupid? "I-guess I'm not very prepared this morning."
"Indeed. I will have to note this on your report. However, I am curious for an explanation. Will you give me one?" As he fixed me with those golden eyes, honest and loyal; my shame rose like the turbulence of an asteroid storm. I had no right to tell him who to make friends with or who to love.
"I guess we're both trying to make new friends. " My words were iced with sarcasm. Our relationship was ruined! Why did he need a girlfriend? He was an android and would never have children, not in any natural way. He had no motive for taking a mate. "I left the damn thing at the Parises."
"Shannara, you have never spoken to me in this manner. It is inappropriate to use obscenities for any reason. You are jealous of Veronica, but that does not give you the right to disrespect her or me."
"I'm sorry," I said humbly. "Do you want me to retrieve my data padd?"
"No. You can work from my console. I have a new vocabulary list that you can study and I would also like you to study the geological features of a planet of your choosing. The only stipulation for your selection is that you must choose one capable of sustaining life. Later assignments will include studies of the planet's lifeforms."
"I want to choose Tau Alpha C. I want to learn all I can about the Traveler's homeworld." I stepped up to his console and sat down to begin my research. "Computer: display information on Tau Alpha C."
"Voyager's encounter with him has intrigued you," Data realized. "It would interest you then that I too have met up with him."
More intrigued by what Data had to say than what appeared on the screen, I swivelled in the chair to face him. "I suspected that. Mother told me that one of his companions is Beverly Picard's son, Wesley. What do you know about the Traveler?"
"He is one of the most altruistic beings in the universe. He showed no affront when another man took credit for his success. He believes that helping others is all the reward he needs."
He wouldn't be returning to take credit for leading Voyager home, I mused. That honor was mine. I wasn't sure that I wanted it any more than the Traveler did.
"He has the remarkable ability to manipulate space, time and thought," Data continued.
"He only calls himself the Traveler? He doesn't have a name?"
"If he does, no one knows his name."
"Do you think he's a Q?"
The question alarmed Data. "I do not believe that any Q could be as benign as the Traveler." He was wrong, I realized as my mind linked with a higher power that I did not quite understand yet. I suspected that whatever the source was, it was the reason Q were omniscient.
The commlink interrupted us and I turned back to the monitor, skimming through the text on Tau Alpha C.
"Data," Veronica said. I'd actually forgotten about her for two minutes! Why did she have to interrupt us? "I'm sorry for the intrusion."
"Dammit," I said under my breath, but of course Data heard me.
He looked sternly at me as he replied to Veronica. "That is all right. Is there a problem?"
"Nothing serious. I wanted to tell you that Commander La Forge is planning a poker game tonight. Are you in?"
"Of course."
"She interrupted us for a lousy poker game!" I exclaimed, no longer containing my anger.
"Shannara, you are dismissed. You can work from your own console inside your quarters today. I will be discussing this behavior with your parents."
As I huffily walked toward the door, I heard Data apologizing to his girlfriend. Mumbling about Data's unfair treatment of me, I quickly made my way back to my quarters. He didn't need a girlfriend. He had his duties to the ship and to me. He had no time for anyone else. Why would he want to compromise my tutoring? I bowed my head whenever anyone past me in the corridor. They couldn't see me crying! Would I ever recover from this humiliation?
As I stepped into our quarters, I dashed past Mother and Eric, hoping to escape questioning.
"Shannara, what's wrong? Why are you home so early?"
I stopped just outside my door. I deliberated: should I turn around or should I ignore her? Not for the first time today, I made a mistake as I entered my room and collapsed on my bed. This was not fair! Data had a new girlfriend, and Naomi Wildman and the Paris family would be leaving in a couple days. I would have no friends.
Mother stepped into the room and I buried my head into my pillow, wishing her away. Silence. I sensed her glaring at me. Damn empathy! Why wouldn't she speak?
Turning onto my side, I peered at her with teary eyes. Arms folded, she said, "Are you going to calm down enough to tell me what's going on? And wishing me away won't solve your problem."
After all the lectures about not probing people's minds without permission, Mother had violated my thoughts. I shut my eyes tightly. Almost, I wished again for her to leave, but a memory suddenly nagged at me. I bolted to a sitting position, half-expecting history to repeat itself. Did I really wish to be motherless?
"My new friends are leaving in a couple of days and Data doesn't want to tutor me anymore."
"What in the world gave you that idea?"
"He has a girlfriend now. He wants to spend his off-duty time with her. I shouldn't blame him for that." Although admitting it, I wasn't convinced.. "But I don't want to stop my tutoring; I don't want to go back to regular school!"
"You won't have to," Mother promised me. "I'm sure Data didn't tell you that he no longer wants to be your mentor. You're exaggerating the situation. Once you talk with him again, you'll see. Veronica understands the importance of your education, too."
"You know about her already! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Shannara," Mother gasped. "I thought it was Data's place to tell you."
I mulled over thoughts of a life with Veronica Hamilton always around. What did Data see in her? "Must I talk to Data again today?"
She sighed. "No. If he sent you home, then you should use this time to think about your behavior. I'll leave you alone." She turned and left.
She wasn't being fair. How was I supposed to react to the shocking discovery of Data's new girlfriend? He'd never dated anyone. I should have been warned. Mother had probably known about Veronica days ago and hadn't considered my reaction to the news. And she wanted me to think about my behavior!
Although distracted by my woes, I began my research on Tau Alpha C. Distracted, I had to reread information and had learned little once I'd finished reading the material.
I was interrupted by a muffled conversation coming from the living area. If it weren't for my honed empathy, I probably would not have heard them. Mother was talking with Data. Although worried that they were discussing me, I was also relieved that he was here rather than somewhere with Veronica.
I remained in my room until Mother called me out to dinner and feigned ignorance of Data's visit. After I was seated, I realized my brother had not come to the table. "Where's Eric?"
"Eric has already ate," Mother replied. "We sent him to his room, so we could talk with you alone. Data stopped by about an hour ago."
I glanced furtively at Father, noticing the snarl forming at his lips. Was he too angry to even speak? Quickly, I refocused on Mother.
"He said that you not only forgot your data padd this morning, but that you also snapped at him, using inappropriate language, when he asked you about it. You had the padd when you left here. I'd like an explanation, young lady."
Lifting my fork, I stirred my food as though the action would produce an explanation they would accept. "I went to the Parises. I felt bad about what happened with Jeremy the other night, so I stopped by his quarters to apologize. Only he wasn't there. His mother sent him to school. She invited me inside, because she wanted to tell me a story about her childhood. I left my padd setting on their coffee table. I'm sorry."
"It's good that you're making friends," Mother said.
"However, we trust you to go where you're told to without an escort," Father said. "You should have told us where you were going. We need to know where you are at all times."
"The computer can tell you where I am," I snapped, fingering the pin on my jumpsuit. Since Mother had given it to me for my one and only away mission, I had worn it every day.
"Don't get smart, Shannara!" Mother exclaimed. "This is exactly what Data was telling us about. We're not ordering you not to visit with the Parises. In fact, we encourage it. We just want you to behave responsibly."
I dropped my fork and pushed my plate away. "I didn't mean to-Please don't be mad at me. I'll apologize to Data." Silently, I added, don't expect me to like his girlfriend. "May I be excused? I'm not hungry."
"You will eat your dinner," Father ordered.
To argue would only get me into deeper trouble, so I reclaimed my fork and ate as quickly as dignity allowed.
Shortly, Jeremy Paris stopped by to return my data padd. "Invite him inside, Shannara, " Mother encouraged.
I stepped aside and gestured for him to walk past me. "Thank you, for returning this. It has an important assignment on it that was due this morning."
"Will you get into trouble for it being late?" He was quite concerned about this, although he had had nothing to do with my forgetting it.
"Maybe," I told him. "I get into trouble a lot. "
He giggled and covered his mouth to hide his embarrassment. "Me too. I think it's our mission in life as children. It brings us attention."
"Oh come now, your parents love you. I've visited with them. You don't have to be punished to receive attention from them."
"My parents love me, but they are also very busy. They have obligations to Captain Janeway and to Voyager. Well at least they did."
He fell reflectively silent. He looked past me to peer out the viewwindow, his thoughts drifting back in the Delta Quadrant where we'd been forced to destroy Voyager. She had been the only home he'd ever known.
"Maybe Starfleet will commission a new U.S.S Voyager, " I said, hoping to comfort him.
He focused his attention back on me. "Why did you stop by to see me?."
This time I looked away, studying the laces on my shoes. I had been so confident in the morning before I had learned about Veronica. "I wanted to apologize."
"For what?" He asked so innocently that I immediately wondered whether I was making too much out of the situation.
"I shouldn't have traipsed out in my nightgown the other night. I hope I didn't spoil our friendship, because I've never had a friend my own age. If only you weren't leaving..."
"Nothing's been spoiled between us. You could make lots of friends if you just opened up to others like you did with me. Try it sometime." He shrugged as though wishing he could say more. "I promised my parents I wouldn't be long. They have dinner waiting for me. I hope you feel better." He stepped past me and out the door.
Raising a hand to my cheek, I marveled Jeremy's sensitivity toward me without any empathic abilities. Maybe I did feel a little better. After I slipped back into my room, I sat at my desk and activated the data padd to review some notes. I was surprised to find a file I hadn't created. It contained only a few sentences, but the words moved the universe. The file read:
Don't give up on your dream. You'll have that house someday. And I'll come visit. I'll be your friend always, if you want. We'll meet again someday.
Friends, Jeremy Paris
PS: I'll bring you a rose the next time we meet.
"Shannara," a voice, almost a whisper, called out to me. I stirred, clinging to my dream. He called out to me again and reluctantly I opened my eyes.
A strange man hovered at the edge of my bed. I sat up in alarm. I could not see his face in the dark. He was very thin and his bald head made him appear emaciated. Had another Q finally come to visit me?
"I am sorry to disturb you, but the timing could not be helped. You have been asking many questions about me and I feel I must offer you some guidance.."
"You're the Traveler!" I exclaimed. "Computer: Lights, 50%." His face, though smooth, appeared old and wise. "Are you a member of the Continuum?"
"No," he replied calmly. I sensed little emotion from him. I'd never met anyone other than Vulcans who had their emotions as under control. "Although several of them have approached me to join," he continued. "You have also been approached by a Q. That is why I've come to you now."
"You want to talk me out of joining the Continuum?"
"It is not my place to tell you what you should do. However, I need to warn you. Other Q will approach you soon and not all of them will have good intentions. You must consider your options very carefully. Don't arbitrarily choose one over another."
"Then you think I should join the Continuum?"
"You must decide for yourself. You cannot allow others to manipulate you into choosing before you are ready."
"If you're as smart as everyone tells me you are, then perhaps you can answer this: Did Q, the one who calls himself my guardian angel, create this universe so I could exist?"
"Yes. However, remember that your mother gave birth to you and she and your father have guided you since your first day of life. Don't revere Q as a god. He, as do all living beings, has his shortcomings." His form grew amorphous, between being here and not being here. "Remember Shannara, make no decision in haste." He winked out, disappearing to parts unknown to me.
I didn't tell anyone about my visit from the Traveler, though his message weighed heavily on my mind the next day. Make no decision in haste. As I arrived on time for my next tutoring session, I wondered if the Traveler had been referring to all decisions I would make, not just those concerning the Continuum.
With that thought, I politely acknowledged Ensign Hamilton's presence as I stepped into Data's quarters. Secretly, I still wished for Data to stop seeing her. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. But if I had learned anything over the past couple of days it was that friends could be easily lost over petty resentment.
And I planned never to lose Data.