"Uhhh." Sam glanced back and forth between Dean, Cas, and I, seeming unsure what to say. Beside me Cas was blushing several shades of red, and I was sure I was as well. I gulped nervously, stuffing my hands into my pockets. What were we going to do?

Dean was the first to say anything logical. "What the hell?" he asked.

I gulped again. "It's a bit difficult to explain," I started.

Dean frowned. "A bit?" he asked. "I'd say. Since when are you two-" he cut off and resorted to making joining signals with his hands. Despite myself, I had to press my lips together to hide my smile of amusement at Dean's floundering.

"Lucy and I were just discussing our feelings for each other," Cas said.

"Discussing?" As Dean's voice rose to an unnaturally shrill volume I winced.

I shot Cas a quick glare over my shoulder. "Not helping," I hissed.

"Sorry." Cas gave me an apologetic smile and I nodded. I couldn't really be mad; he'd only been trying to help. Even if he wasn't doing a good job of it.

To be honest, none of us knew what we were doing. This became all the more clear as Dean's eyes raked back and forth between Cas and I, and suddenly he turned away. "No," he said. "I'm not dealing with this."

I frowned as he fled, and I chased him down the hallway, running in my effort to catch up with his strides. "Where are you going?" I called.

"Out!" Dean disappeared around the corner and I skidded to a stop, shocked by the hostility in his voice.

A moment later I shook myself. Dean wasn't in the right frame of mind to drive, and I didn't want to take a chance that he crashed the car. Especially since I was sure he would soon be drunk. High emotions and liquor didn't mix well.

I started forward again, but Sam caught my arm. "Let him go," he cautioned me. I looked to where Dean had disappeared, uncertain, but then I nodded unhappily; if Sam thought his brother would be fine I had to trust him. He did know Dean better than I did.

Cas was standing in the dining room still, looking uncertain as to what to do. I went to stand sheepishly next to him, feeling like I was waiting for a scolding from the school principle.

Sam studied us through hooded eyes, and eventually let out a long sigh. "Alright," he said. "What's going on here?" Then he held up his hand. "I think we should do this one by one," he amended. He gestured for Cas to get out. "Lucy first."

Cas obediently left the room, and Sam waited patiently for me to start to speak. I floundered. What was I supposed to say? I still wasn't sure what was going on! Cas had sort of cut off my inquiry with his kiss. Not that I hadn't enjoyed the kiss- no. That wasn't the point. I needed to find a way to explain things to Sam.

"It's complicated," I started. Sam chuckled dryly.

"I kinda figured," he commented. "It always is with us." He moved to the table and pulled out a chair, settling into it. Reluctantly I sat next to him. "Is this what's been bothering you lately?" he asked me.

I hesitated. This was my way out. I could easily say yes, that this was all that had been on my mind. Sam would believe me, and he wouldn't bug me anymore about my sleepless nights.

But I knew I couldn't do that. I owed him and Dean the truth. And so I softly shook my head. "No," I told him. "That's something else."

Sam nodded. "I still want to know what that is," he said, "but I'll leave it alone for now." He took a deep breath. "What's going on between you and Cas?"

I shrugged, feeling the heat return to my face. "I don't know," I admitted. I buried my face in my hands, and Sam rubbed my back soothingly.

"It's ok," he promised. "Just start at the beginning."

I groaned. What was the beginning? It took several minutes for me to respond, during which time Sam didn't say a word.

"I wasn't completely honest about the other day," I said finally. "Cas didn't just pop by the bunker."

From there I told him everything. I told him about Cas's worry for me, and his reasoning behind it- though I still didn't mention my nightmares- then moved to his disappearance two days earlier. I jumped to my realization that my feelings for the angel were more than platonic during our frenzied investigation at the river, then told Sam of my confusion about the whole matter. He listened intently the whole time, nodding occasionally but making no comment. I finished with the kiss that he and Dean had walked in on, then settled back in my chair as I waited for Sam to respond.

His eyes had a faraway look as he contemplated, and I wasn't sure what to make of his lack of response. Was he upset? How much so? I couldn't figure out what was going through his head.

Sam looked over and met my eyes at last, and he offered me a small smile. I felt myself relax slightly. Surely if he was angry he wouldn't have smiled. I had to make sure though.

"Are you upset?" I whispered. Sam took a moment to think, then shook his head.

"No," he promised. "It was just a shock. I wasn't expecting it." He laughed shortly. "I really wasn't expecting it."

Despite myself I smiled. "Sorry," I offered.

Sam shook his head. "It's ok." He studied me intently. "So, what are you going to do?"

I sighed. "I have to talk with Cas," I told him. "Hopefully he won't sidetrack me again."

At my word choice Sam chuckled, and I allowed myself a small smile.

"What about Dean?" I asked. "How mad do you think he is?"

Sam sighed. "He's not mad," he said at last. "He was just shocked. Dean doesn't handle stuff like this well." Sam gestured to me to indicate my complicated relationship with Cas, and I nodded. "Give him a demon or two and he'll be fine. But emotions?" Sam crinkled his nose, and I laughed.

Sam took my hand. "Give him time," he told me. "He'll come around. He just needs some time to process things."

I nodded, feeling suddenly emotional. "Thanks," I whispered. Sam nodded and drew me into a hug, and I buried my face in his shoulder.

"Now." Sam drew me away and shot me what could only be described as an evil grin. "You mentioned having crushes on some of the characters on your TV shows. Was I one of them?"

I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "Do you really want to know that?" I asked. This is not happening. I cannot deal with this.

Sam thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yep," he said. "I want to know." He grinned at me, and I felt heat flood my cheeks.

"Nope!" I stood up and turned away. "Not happening! I am not having this discussion with you!"

I ignored Sam's guffaws as I stormed out of the room. "Cas," I called. "Your turn!"

Cas turned the corner, a questioning look in his blue eyes. I shook my head softly, and he nodded. He would ask me how my interrogation went later. As he passed me his fingers brushed against mine, parting what comfort they could.

Back in my room I threw myself on my bed, burying my face in my pillow. With the exception of Sam's last question, everything had gone surprisingly well. Not that I was kidding myself thinking that everything was solved, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I'd thought.

I curled up on my side as I thought. I still needed to talk to Dean, and I had no idea where I stood with Cas, but Sam at least seemed to be fine with things. Either that or he was a damn good liar.

I sighed. I didn't need this. We didn't need this. There was some sort of chaos going on between heaven and hell, some new chaos, that is, and we had to figure out what. I couldn't spend my time worrying about if I'd upset Dean with my secret- what was Cas? My boyfriend? Somehow the words didn't quite seem right. Not when I didn't know how we felt for each other.

Which was another distraction that I didn't need at this time. From what I knew of Sam and Dean's lives I knew that relationships were a bad idea. People got hurt, people got killed, and in the end the boys always ended up alone.

My brooding was interrupted as Cas moved silently into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. I glanced up at him, not bothering to move from where I was.

"How'd it go?" I asked.

Cas frowned. "Sam didn't seem too upset," he commented. "What about with you?"

I shrugged. "Same." I inspected Cas's face, watching as he nodded slowly. My eyes narrowed; he wasn't telling me something. "What is it?" I asked.

Cas shot me an uncertain look. "He said that he thinks of me as a brother, but if I hurt you he'll kick my ass." Cas turned to look at me, gauging my reaction.

I blinked once, twice, then burst into giggles. As I snorted in amusement Cas chuckled, then a wide smile spread across his face. At last I settled against my pillows, still giving the occasional chuckle.

Cas inspected my face. "Do you want to talk?" he asked.

I considered for a moment, then shook my head. I knew I needed to figure out where we stood, but I just didn't have the energy at that time. I needed to work things out in my own head before I attempted to talk with Cas again. "Later," I promised.

Cas nodded and stood, sensing that I wanted to be alone. "I'll be with Sam if you need me," he said. I nodded, and he slipped out the door.

I returned to my musings, ignoring the headache that was beginning to form behind my eyes. After some time I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I was aware of was Dean shaking my shoulder gently.

"Hey," he whispered. He stood next to my bed, watching me sadly. I stretched, ignoring the worry gnawing at my mind. Was he still angry?

"Hey," I whispered back. I slid over in bed, and Dean sprawled out next to me. His arm came to pull me to his side, and I buried my face into him. Somehow the position felt natural, as if I had spent my whole life running to curl up with him when I was upset. My big brother Dean.

It took several minutes for Dean to speak again. When he did he pulled away slightly to see my face. "I'm sorry I ran off like that," he said.

I shook my head. "S'ok," I muttered. I offered him a small smile. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Dean sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "No," he said. "You don't need to be sorry." He paused before looking down at me again. "Sam told me what you told him."

I nodded, waiting to see what he would say. He watched me with unreadable eyes, eventually hugging me closer to him.

"Look," he started. "I don't care what you and Cas do, but you need to figure out what you're going to do. I don't want to see you get hurt."

I nodded against his chest. I'd been trying to figure out what to do for the past day, and I wasn't any closer to a solution. I didn't need Dean to tell me what I already knew.

Dean seemed to realize this, because he sighed. "Let's forget about it," he offered. He shifted position so that he could look at my face. "Lucy," he murmured. "What's been going on with you?"

I sighed. He wasn't going to let this go. "I'm fine," I told him.

Dean shook his head. "I don't believe that."

I glared up at him. "I don't really care if you believe it or not. I'm fine!"

Dean chuckled, seeming pleased that I'd summoned up the energy to yell at him. "Tell me," he stated. "And then I'll leave you alone. I promise."

I groaned. "Somehow I doubt that," I muttered. But I knew I couldn't continue to hide what was going on from him. And maybe he could help. He and Sam had both gone to hell, Dean had been to purgatory, and who knows what else they'd gone through on their quest to restore heaven and lose the mark of Caine.

Well, when I put it like that, my own nightmares seemed silly. I'd thought that often, but just like the other times I pushed down my condescending thoughts. Just because they'd made it through all that didn't make my own struggles menial. You couldn't measure your own problems based on how rough other people had it.

"I've been having nightmares," I said finally. I looked down as I spoke, avoiding Dean's gaze. "About the people I've killed."

Dean frowned. "What people?" he asked. "Did you have a bunch of bodies buried in your backyard at home that I don't know about?"

I chuckled, only slightly amused by his joke. "No. The monsters." I grimaced; clearly once Dean put something on his to-kill list, he no longer viewed it as a person. It was something that I'd been having trouble doing.

"I'm just having a bit of trouble with the whole killing part," I told him. "And I know the monsters we kill deserve it; they hurt innocent people, but I just need to adjust to it."

Dean nodded. "I never really had that problem," he admitted.

I nodded; I'd kinda figured.

"Sam might be able to help you with that," Dean said. "He had a hard time with it."

"Didn't his method of coping involve college?" I asked.

Dean laughed. "You make it sound like school's a bad thing."

I grunted. "Spend one day in my old physics class," I challenged him. "Just one class."

Dean chuckled. "No thanks." We laughed for a minute, until we faded into silence.

"Is that it?" he asked.

I sighed. "I never told you what happened the night I got possessed," I admitted.

Dean looked like he wanted to say I didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to, but then he reconsidered. We both knew I needed to talk about it. Even though Cas had helped me to settle things in my head, I still felt guilty for keeping what had happened from Sam and Dean. It was time for everything to come out in the open.

And so I told him. Dean didn't say anything as I described the attack in my motel room, though he flinched when I reached the part where the demon took possession of me. As I detailed the torture of the old woman in the apartment Dean's face paled, and he hugged me to him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry." His shoulders began to shake. "I should've been there."

"No." I pulled away, catching Dean's eyes with my own. "You couldn't have known any of it was going to happen. It wasn't your fault."

Dean shook his head, letting out a curt laugh. "I was the one who insisted you stay all the way on the other side of the city," he told me. "If I'd been closer-"

"Stop." I reached out and snagged Dean's hand, and he met my eyes at last. His were red rimmed, tears threatening to leak out. "It wasn't your fault."

Dean looked like he still disagreed, but all he did was pull me to him in another hug. I returned it eagerly, knowing that it was as much for his benefit as it was for mine.

Eventually Dean pulled back, offering me a small smile. "Promise me you'll talk to Sam about your nightmares?" he asked. I nodded, and he smiled and stood. "Good. Come on, let's get to the library. We've got work to do."

I followed him down the hall, and we made our way to the library. Sam and Cas were already there, leafing through the many shelves as they searched for anything that even had the word 'angel' in it.

Sam smiled in greeting, his eyes flickering between Dean and I. Dean nodded that we were good and sat down, pausing just long enough to clap Cas on the back. They must have talked already.

Cas stood with a stack of books in his arms, and he quickly set them down, watching me with cloudy blue eyes. I disappeared into the next aisle, knowing he would follow.

"Are you alright?" I turned to see him coming up behind me, watching me warily. I took a deep breath, maintaining a foot or so of distance between us least he try to distract me again.

"What are we Cas?" At the look on his face I sighed. "We never did work that out. What are we doing here?"

Cas frowned. "What do you want to do?" he asked.

I ran my hand through my hair, pushing back the few curls that had escaped my ponytail. "I don't know," I admitted. "What do you want?"

Cas looked uncertain. "I- I want-" He stopped for a moment to think. "I don't know."

I nodded. "We can't just jump into this, whatever this is." I gestured in a wide arc to indicate our confusing as hell feelings for each other. "We gotta take it slow."

Cas nodded. "How do we do that?" he asked.

I pursed my lips. "We date. We get to know each other. Then we decide if what we have for each other is real."

Cas thought. "Ok."

"Ok?" I raised my eyebrows. "Just ok? Noting else?"

Cas looked at me with mixed wariness and amusement. "Is there supposed to be something else?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Well some reaction would be nice." At the playful tone to my voice Cas grinned, and I grinned back at him. Then he must have seen the swirl of emotions behind my eyes, because he pulled me into a hug. I settled happily against him, resting my chin on his shoulder and closing my eyes. He stroked my back comfortingly.

It was a long minute before we pulled away from each other. "Are you ok?" he asked. I thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Yeah." My voice was soft, and I took a moment to play with Cas's fingers as they brushed mine. "Let's head back to the others."

Cas followed me to the table where Sam and Dean sat, and we took up chairs in between them. Sam glanced up at us briefly, then went back to the book he was scanning, and Dean dubiously ignored us. I had the feeling that though he was no longer upset with us, he was still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that there was something going on between Cas and I.

Still, as I grabbed a book off the top of one of the many piles, I felt much better than I had before. I had worked out some semblance of a plan with Cas. And yeah, there was still that little voice in the back of my head warning me that I would get hurt, just like everyone Sam and Dean had ever been in a relationship with, but I quickly told the voice to shove it. Those women hadn't been told that Sam and Dean were hunters, or they had made the mistake of thinking they were unreachable. They didn't have any training, and had made easy targets for Sam and Dean's enemies.

I knew what I was getting into. There were no misgivings, no false feelings of security. I already knew what was in the dark, and I had been trained to kill it. I could handle myself.

Now I just had to handle a bunch of demons and a few rogue angels who were trying to build their own god. Joy.

I sighed as I leafed through the book, settling myself in for what was sure to be a long investigation.