sooooooo... its been a while. but dont worry, ive been completely guilt ridden at not having completely dedicated myself to this. fact of the matter is, i updated more frequently when i first began "life after breaking dawn". that was when i was in year 8, and i am now half-way through year 11, about to start the HSC, so i really dont have much time to do anything other than homework lol. seeing the publish dates on my fanfics made me realise how mellow things were three years ago, but also how far ive come as a writer since then hahahahaa just read chapter one of my first story to verify that (jesus christ are they terribly written).

Anywayss, heres another chapter, and i am legit about to start writing the next one :)

enjoy!

Chapter 21

"You actually are trying to get yourself killed!" was the first thing Jackson said to me when he materialised a second after I woke up.

I groaned and rolled over, pulling my pillow over my head. "Go away…" I grumbled; my voice still groggy with sleep.

"Why? So you can sneak off to see that boy again?" Jackson had a weird fierceness in his voice that I'd never heard before. But I was too tired to figure out what it was.

I pulled the pillow off my head. "Why do you care?" I mumbled. The words actually gave me a tingling sensation in my throat. And not the good tingling I'd been feeling right before I fell asleep…

I felt a jolt in my stomach when I remembered the events of the previous night.

"Why do I care? Are you kidding me? You're my daughter! Do you honestly think I want to see you dead?" Jackson snapped.

For a moment his words swirled around my head. They invaded every corner of my brain. A lump formed in my throat as I realised what they meant. Jackson cared. Like, it actually worried him when I put myself in danger. Even when I found it hard to hate him, I'd never, not once questioned my belief that he was only sticking around to keep tabs on Miranda. Or to annoy me, and be a constant reminder that because of the Volturi, of whom he was a member, I could never return home.

Home… where my mother, who loved me unconditionally, was still waiting; convinced I would return at any moment. I knew if I ever returned, she'd take me back in a heartbeat… because I was her child. And she cared about me.

I realised with a startling thought what the tone I'd detected in Jackson's voice before was. Protectiveness. Because he didn't want anything bad to happen to me. Just like my mother. I was his child too.

I sat up and looked at him. His worry was reflected in his eyes, despite his face being a mask of anger. "I'm sorry if I'm worrying you. I know you just want me to be safe." His face became solemn, so I continued. "I just can't stay away from him. Not now…"

I'd known Fred for exactly a week, but already I was hooked. I felt a painful sense of emptiness whenever he wasn't around, and desperately desired his constant company.

Jackson sighed, and I knew what he was thinking even though I couldn't read his mind.

Now was definitely not the time for me to have found a mate.

Renesmee

"I know this is going to sound tragic, but I'm really looking forward to camp."

I turned my head to give Caleb an incredulous look. For a fleeting moment I remembered when we first found out about camp. It had been about a month before the end of sophomore year. Austin had seemed notoriously pleased with himself at having discovered some news before it reached the rest of the student's ears. We had all been excited, but that didn't really last long now that we knew it would be three days stuck with the teachers in the middle of the forest, acting 'responsibly' and sleeping on the ground.

It could have been fun camping. It would be a new experience, at least. But now that Jacquie was at a Quileute school and Skye was God knows where, camp had lost a lot of its appeal.

Pushing thoughts of my daughters aside, I gave Caleb a wry smile. "You're right, that does sound tragic."

He chucked his plastic fork at me. I dodged it and heard the faint rattling sound as it landed on the cafeteria floor. We both giggled slightly. "No seriously. Three days with no parents? I am definitely down with that!" he looked pleased with the prospect.

I could understand why Caleb was happy to be free of his dad, but that didn't make me any more excited. The last time we'd been alone together without parental supervision things had ended… dangerously. Bring on the teachers, I thought glumly.

"At least we've got till after the Christmas holidays to worry about it." Scott piped in.

Right. Christmas. I'd forgotten all about it. It was just over two weeks away, and we were spending it with our Denali cousins. Then, there had been talk of meeting up with Bella's mother and step-father, but I hadn't heard much about it.

Later, when school had finished, Caleb walked me back to my car. He didn't say anything, so I figured he was nervous about something. Strange, he was usually so confident.

"What are your plans for the holidays?" I asked him, out of curiosity and to break the silence.

"Oh, er—probably my dad and I are going to check out Seattle for vampires. Apparently there have been some around so…" he trailed off.

My smile tightened. I had actually heard my parents discussing Seattle as a possible site for vampires. In fact, they'd originally thought Skye may have been around there. One of Carlisle's theories was that she may have run off to experience life with a more traditional vampire diet. But I didn't believe she'd stoop that low.

"Well, be careful. You don't want to get in the way of a real vampire. Especially one that's hunting." I warned.

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked, slightly concerned.

He shook his head. "Oh, nothing. It's just… I'm really going to miss you Ren."

"I don't think anyone's ever called me 'Ren' before." I smiled. I actually kind of liked it. He still had a worried look on his face, so I leaned forward to hug him. "I'll miss you too." When I pulled away our lips met.

Usually our kisses were quick, or if we weren't in public they were deep and passionate. This time, I felt a sense of urgency in him that was freaking me out and turning me on at the same time. His hand tangled itself in my hair, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. His free hand wrapped around my waist, but we still weren't close enough. Our kiss deepened…

He pulled away, and then in a thick voice he said "I love you, Renesmee."

A hot, tingling sensation burned through my body as his words swirled around my head. He'd never said that to me before, and despite the sincerity in his voice, his words scared me.

"I love you too." I replied, because I did love him, and I was glad to see that he relaxed slightly.

When he left, my boy felt cold, and I desperately wanted to follow him. The need to be with him burned inside me, and I realised for the second time just how much being a vampire sucked sometimes.

Mum and Dad, err, Bella and Edward, joined me soon after, Alice not too far behind them, a troubled look on her face.

We hadn't been driving for long when I asked Edward, "What was he thinking?"

He didn't need to ask who he was. "He's starting to realise…"

"Realise what?" I asked cautiously, knowing I didn't really want the answer.

Edward gave Bella a sidelong glance. "That if you want to be with someone forever, you have to live forever."

A lump started to form in my throat and I looked out the window.

Caleb

Why did I get myself into this?

The second I laid eyes on Renesmee Cullen I knew what she was, yet I still went after her. I knew from the start it would never work, so why did I get involved with her?

Because she's different, a voice said in my head. The voice was right. Renesmee was different from other vampires. Her family didn't prey on humans. They were good. She was good.

But that didn't change the fact that she was still a vampire. Still immortal. Still lived off human blood. Still stronger than any human being on the face of the planet.

I should have realised from the start that things would never work out. She was going to stay young forever, while I grew old and died. Hell, her own grandfather was my ancestor! Sure she's not technically related to him, but that doesn't change the fact that Carlisle Cullen was the reason my family had hunted vampires for generations.

I punched the wall of my bedroom in frustration. My hand hurt, but it was barely noticeable through the pain in my chest.

I loved Renesmee. So much. I never wanted us to be apart. But at the same time, I knew it was never going to work.

You could become a vampire, that voice whispered again.

My whole body froze. My whole life I had been taught to believe in the cold, heartless demons that plagued the earth and had to be destroyed. I'd dismissed a lot of his ideas, instead believing that while some vampires were evil, some of them may be normal, friendly, just trying to live their lives without notice. I figured vampires were human once, so maybe they had a mixture of good and evil amongst their people, just as humans had criminals.

But that didn't mean I wanted to become one.

To live life frozen in the same state… it was unnatural. Never aging or experiencing life to the full. Being a prisoner to their own thirst for blood… it must be horrible. For the Cullens, at least, I knew that was true. Renesmee had once told me all of them would become human in a heartbeat if it meant they could live a normal life free from the thirst.

But if I was a vampire, I could be with Renesmee forever.

I could see that it hurts her too, me being human. She has to restrain herself from everything to be around me. Our relationship literally goes against nature. I believed that. She believed that. Humans and vampires were never meant to be together.

But then again… if that were true, she wouldn't exist, and I wouldn't have a gaping hole in my chest that existed only in her absence.\

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