Chapter 21. Ashes
Disclaimer : All recognizable characters from the show aren't mine (however much I wish it were otherwise)
Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.
Beautiful, I should have told you the first time I saw your eyes
Beautiful, I should have told you all along
I should have told you all along…
And I just want my heart to fall apart, to ashes.
And I just want this love to waste away, to ashes.
And I just want my heart to tear apart, to ashes.
To ashes.
- Ashes, Andy Brown
"Why aren't you dressed yet?" Danny's voice sounded from behind him.
"I'm not going." He answered without turning around.
"You're a piece of sh*t! Do you know that?"
He sighed and finally turned around. "What do you want from me?"
"Damn it, Steven! We can't keep having this conversation." Frustration was evident in his partner…former partner's face.
"So stop coming here then." He told the other man.
"You need to come say goodbye to her."
He laughed without humor. "Why would I want to say goodbye to someone I don't know?"
"What the f*ck are you talking about? Kono…"
"Don't." He told his partner coldly.
"Of all the…" Danny walked towards him. "She IS dead!"
"No." That one word carried with it all his hopes.
"She's dead. Her ashes are…"
"That's not her." He cut him off and ignored the pity he saw in the blonde detective's face.
"Look, no matter how much you wish it were otherwise, she's gone. She IS DEAD!"
He hated the certainty he heard in Danny's voice. "I never thought you had it in you to be cruel Danny."
His words seemed to deflate the other man. "It's not being cruel if it's true."
"What does it matter if I believe otherwise then?"
"It matters because you're going on another foolhardy quest to bring Wo Fat back!"
"So what?" He asked in annoyance. "Don't tell me you don't want that bastard's head on a platter for what he did to…"
Danny looked him in the eye and dared him. "Finish it."
He ignored the other man's demand.
"Finish that f*cking sentence!" Danny goaded him.
"Just leave Danny."
"Do you really think she'd want that? You think she'd want you to go on some suicide mission and die?"
"I'm dead anyway!" The words came out against his will.
"What?" Confusion lined Danny's face. "So what? You're saying I'm talking to a ghost now?"
"You wouldn't understand." He said tiredly.
"Try me."
"If she's…" He couldn't say the words. "…then I might as well be."
"You might as well be…" It was Danny's turn to laugh without humor. "Are you seriously telling me that you want to die too?"
"I love her." He hoped the words were explanation enough.
"Do you really think dying shows how much you really loved her?" Danny asked incredulously. "You miserable misguided assh*le! Dying is easy! It's the living after everything that's happened that is hard! If you really want to show her, wherever you believe she is, that you loved her then damn it, live for her!"
The words were like bullets piercing through his armor but he soldiered on because he couldn't accept that. So he answered the only way he could. "Leave. Before I forget you're my friend."
He tries not to think about Danny's words too when he finally finds himself able to drive away from both Catherine and the church. He thinks maybe in different circumstances, he'd be amused that for two people who haven't really spent a lot of time talking to each other and who don't really seem to get along or like one another, they sure share very similar ideas (at least when it comes to him). He checks his watch and sees that he has several hours to kill before he needs to head out to the airport for his late evening flight. He also notes that it's been an hour since he'd managed to get away from Catherine and that he's been driving aimlessly since then. When he finally takes a moment to actually take in where he is, he realizes that he hasn't been driving aimlessly after all because he's actually in front of her house.
His knuckles tighten on the steering wheel as he tries to fight the urge to go in and look and smell and touch all the things that she's left behind. He hasn't been there since the explosion because he doesn't want to see all the reminders that she hasn't been home for the longest time.
In his mind he can picture what he knows he'd find. There's her mug in the kitchen that's still lying on top of the drying rack. There's that ratty old stuffed bear she's had since she was a child that she hides in her closet and thinks he doesn't know about. There's the Navy PT shirt of his that she had appropriated for herself that's still waiting to be washed bundled in the hamper. The smell of her lotion and the soap and shampoo she likes to use. There's her toothbrush by the bathroom sink lying alongside his.
He breathes in deeply and moves to start the engine of his car again because he needs to be as far away from here as possible. But just as he is about to, he sees the door open. He is out of his car before he even registers that he's moved and already has his gun in his hand. He is nearly at her door when he sees the person coming out of the house.
"Steve?"
H50 HQ, five months later.
"Has he checked in yet?" Danny asks as soon as he enters HQ.
Chin looks up from the smart table and shakes his head. "We've been waiting."
The blonde detective nods as he joins both his teammates as they go over the details of the case they're currently working on. By the time they're through with their briefing, a half hour has passed and almost in synchrony, the three of them check the clock on the wall before Danny takes out his cellphone and puts it on the table. There's a moment when he wonders if maybe this is the day when they finally don't hear from Steve and his heart starts to beat nervously. He looks up and sees the same nervousness reflected in Catherine's face despite her efforts to hide it.
"He'll call." It is Chin's turn to say it this time. They've been taking turns these last couple of months whenever it's time for their (former) Team Leader's (promised) scheduled biweekly calls.
"Chin and I will go check out the victim's office." Catherine finally breaks the silence as ten AM comes and goes and the phone has yet to ring.
"No." Danny stops them."You're better at the tech stuff Chin so you need to be here. I'll go with Catherine." He finishes as he picks up the phone and pockets it.
…
They're at the door when he feels rather than hears his phone jangle in his pocket.
"You're late." He answers succinctly, foregoing the usual niceties as he puts the call on speaker.
"There was a long line at the phone booth."
They all roll their eyes at the absurdity of Steve's excuse.
"Are you okay?" It is Catherine who asks.
Danny notes the small wince she tries to hide when the Navy SEAL ignores her question and asks, "Chin?"
"She's doing much better. She's been walking again." Chin answers their former Boss' unspoken question.
"That's good." The relief is palpable in Steve's voice.
"When are you coming back?" Like always, Danny never fails to ask the question.
And like always, Steve doesn't answer it. "I need to go now. Someone needs to use the phone."
"Steve…" Chin is unable to finish because the line goes dead.
Danny stifles the urge to hit something as he's always wont to do each time Steve calls. He knows they should be grateful that their former Team Leader has given in enough to promise regular phone calls just to let them know he hasn't bitten the bullet just yet. But it kills him to know that the stupid SOB is out there by himself playing Russian roulette with his life while looking for WoFat.
A part of him wishes that Steve does find the bastard so the nightmare that just keeps on giving is finally over. But a larger part of him is also terrified of this actually happening because with Wo Fat gone, there is literally nothing else that would keep Steve from just walking in front of a bullet or a bus…not even his sister.
Steve pulls his jacket closer as he trudges in the snow back to his chosen hideout. For months he's been all over Japan following lead after lead. But even with Joe's help, as well as that of his numerous other contacts, he keeps coming up short. Always one step too late. A part of him just wants to give up. But the thought that giving up meant having to finally let her go is enough to pull him together and keep on going.
Because accepting that she's really gone?
NOT an option.
He has a promise to keep, not only to himself but also to her.
The only other person who believes that somehow, despite overwhelming odds and proof to the contrary, Kono is still alive out there and that Wo Fat holds the key.
"Steve?"
"Mrs. Kalakaua." He relaxed his stance and brought down the arm holding the gun.
"Makuahine."
He gave her a puzzled look before he realized what she meant by correcting him. "You knew?"
"That you asked her to marry you?" She nodded. "She called me the following day."
"I wanted to come to your house to formally ask…we planned it for that weekend…" He trailed off because they both knew why it didn't happen.
She nodded again in understanding before she asked softly. "You didn't go?"
"I'm sorry…" He offered, not quite sure whether he was apologizing for the fact that he didn't go to the service or that it's entirely his fault that she…
"Do you love my daughter?" The question was asked in the same vein as one would ask about the weather.
He was surprised by the question because he figured it was a logical conclusion given that he'd asked Kono to marry him. But he answered anyway. "Yes. Yes I do."
She smiled and moved closer to him. "Enough to do the right thing?"
Her question threw him for a loop. "The right thing?"
She gave him a penetrating stare without saying anything and it was with surprise that he realized he actually understood what she meant without her having to elaborate.
"Well?" She waited for him to speak.
"Yes. I love her enough to bring her back." To you. To us.
He knows Danny, Chin and Catherine think he's gone crazy. And there were days in the aftermath of the explosion when he'd thought that maybe he had. It had been such a relief to realize that he wasn't the only one who actually believed that Kono's still alive. And so he'd promised her that he'd bring her daughter back. And that he'd make Wo Fat pay for everything that he'd put them through.
She had then extracted from him a promise to call her periodically.
The first time he called he figured she only wanted him to call so he could update her on his progress. She quickly disabused him of the notion when she didn't even ask about how close he was to finding Wo Fat. Instead she asked if he was eating and sleeping properly. He'd been intimidated enough to answer truthfully and was bemused when she proceeded to scold him like…like he'd once seen her scold Kono (back when they weren't even close to being together just yet).
It took all he had not to break down because it had been so, so long since he'd felt anything remotely close to motherly concern and it felt…nice. Then they started talking about Kono – not in the past tense because they both knew in their hearts that she was still out there – and he realized that he was glad for the companionship, even if it came from across the miles. Between them, they kept each other's hopes alive.
It was when she failed to answer his call on the third week of his third month away that he started asking Chin about her. He then learned that she had suffered a mild stroke but that she was recovering. The question was extended again the next time he called until it had eventually become part of his biweekly calls to the team. He wasn't sure what his former team mate thought about this but he was grateful that the other man chose to just update him without asking questions.
Sometimes, when the trail goes cold, as it has a number of times, he finds himself staring at the worn photograph he's had of her for some time. He remembers exactly when it was taken.
He and Chin had just come back to HQ to find Danny chasing after Kono. She was so intent on escaping the clutches of their blonde team mate that she didn't see them coming through and proceeded to run right smack dab into him. And because he hadn't been expecting the contact, he hadn't had time to brace himself and so the both of them went toppling down in a tangle of limbs.
He told himself the breathlessness he felt was a result of the fall and her heavy (not really) body on top of him and not because everywhere their skins touched, he'd felt electricity shoot up his spine and certainly not because for that brief moment in time when their eyes met he really 'saw' her. Not just as an attractive woman who happened to work for him but rather the woman who had by turns made him laugh with her sometimes off-color humor and playfulness, made him proud of how quickly she'd proven herself to be a valuable asset to the team, left him in awe of her marksmanship and general badassness (if that was even a term), and brought out his protective instincts whenever she got hurt or sad.
She had, of course, quickly scrambled off him, blushing quite becomingly, but not before Danny had managed to take a picture with his cell phone. It turned out that the reason he'd been chasing her in the first place was because she'd playfully taken a picture of him dozing in his office chair in a not so flattering position.
He'd threatened Danny bodily harm (on the pretext that he was also in that photo) when the latter wouldn't delete the file and so one day he'd 'borrowed' the other man's cell phone (without him none the wiser) and proceeded to delete it (but not before he copied said file onto his cell). Later on he'd cropped himself out the photo and printed it and kept a copy of it in the drawer by his bed and then eventually in his wallet (in the aftermath of their abduction when she'd left).
At that time he didn't question why he found that photo so fascinating because her full face isn't even visible. He even felt like a pervert for keeping it because back then he'd been in denial about what that moment of 'seeing' her really meant. Back then he'd convinced himself she was off limits for a host of reasons he now knows were just excuses.
Now, he wishes he'd realized it sooner. And that he'd acted as soon as he figured things out. And that he hadn't let Wo Fat's escape get in the way of their relationship.
Because then they would have had more time together. And maybe Wo Fat wouldn't have succeeded in taking them both. And he would have asked her to marry him that much sooner. And that maybe they'd already be married now.
And maybe he wouldn't be lying here miserable and missing her like hell and feeling so torn apart. And maybe he wouldn't catch himself wishing (sometimes – when things seem hopeless) that his love for her just fades away so he can just be the person he had been before her. And maybe he wouldn't both dread and anticipate the time when he'd finally catch up to Wo Fat.
Because then he'd know for sure.
Whether those ashes were really hers.
AN: Okay, so still no resolution on the WF front…sorry about that =( Although I actually already have a clear idea of how I want that take down to happen, it seems like my shippy bubble hasn't reinflated and bounced back and I haven't fully worked out my not-so-happy feels just yet – this chapter being a case in point as well as the fact that despite numerous attempts to actually sit down and write an update for OUaK, I can't seem to get past that part in the episode where Catherine appears - *sigh*
Robinh – I swear I'm not trying to kill you. I'm still happy you're reading this though and that you even find time to actually give me feedback. Thanks very much. I truly appreciate it.
Guest 1 – Hope you still feel the same about my writing after this installment. As for your thoughts on Adam, I don't hate you for it and I actually understand why considering that you're right, it might be the only assurance we have that Kono won't fade into the background because of that Steve & Catherine show.
MeMii – Sorry to break your heart =( As for Kono being alive…we'll see…
Fairgirl – Wo Fat will definitely get what is coming to him (hopefully in the next chapter – really!)
Guest 2 – Glad you liked the flashbacks and it's not too confusing. As for canon S/K – yeah I think that might just be a pipe dream now
Bushy4 – I'm so happy to hear that you loved the story and how I wrote the build up to the funeral. Thanks.
Tanya2byour21 – I thought about having Steve hit Catherine but I couldn't do it…LOL.
Lydia – So glad you found it in you not to go through with not commenting even if the last chapter wasn't exactly very uplifting. At any rate, I do agree with you that a K/S pairing is a long shot but also like you, I had hoped that the producers wouldn't actually kill even the possibility of it dead *sigh* Truth be told I still couldn't make myself watch the new episode (just like I didn't really watch the Season 2 episodes with Lori in them. I just hope my feelings don't follow the way of what I felt with Glee/GG where I basically just stopped watching altogether when that train wreck of a Finchel engagement / and Chair n.0 happened (sorry to fans of those pairings)
Lily – Thanks for liking this fic and as for Kono...well, jury is still out on that one
TvFanatic97 – A little more flashback here for K/S which I hope don't come off as too OoC =)
Francis2 – Hope you enjoy this installement as well
Redlioness62 – Oh Wo Fat will be ended and soon (next chapter I promise)
KoVeLover – Hang in there =)
Shani8 – Thanks for your kind words. I really still like the idea of K/S so I am soldiering on with my two fics (although having a bit of trouble with OUaK at the moment). Here's hoping my shipper heart recovers soon.
AllIsFairInLoveAndWar - =D
Halle Alexis – Glad you liked the proposal . As for thoughts on canon K/S, yeah, you and me both
Jane – As long as the fic is not finished, there's still hope yes? Hope you keep on reading.