RWBY: The Parody

by Maniac92

RWBY is the tale of Ruby Rose, an adorable fifteen-year-old girl who slaughters monsters! Hooray! With the help of her sister, a temperamental heiress, and a girl who definitely isn't hiding anything, Ruby will battle monsters, criminals, and the inane humor that comes with being in a parody. Rated T for strong language and suggestive humor.

21. CSI - Combat Shipping Investigation

RWBY: The Parody

By: Maniac92

AN: Not dead, I promise. There's more of this to come.

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Chapter 21: CSI (Combat Shipping Investigation)

Ruby's mouth fell open at the sight of Penny's hands. "I can't believe it," she muttered as she stared at shiny metal. She could see her own reflection beneath the tatters of Penny's synthetic skin. "You're a robot. This is so…so…"

"Ruby please," Penny whispered quickly. "You don't have to panic! I'm still your friend, I promise, I'm just-"

"SO COOL!" squealed Ruby, a big smile on her face.

Penny blinked. "…Huh?"

"You're a robot!" gushed Ruby. "How many people can say that they have a robot for a friend?! This is awesome!" She grabbed Penny's hands and rubbed the cool metal with her thumbs. "I have so many questions! Can you eat people food? Do you feel it when I touch your hands? Are you waterproof?"

"Ruby, I-" began Penny.

"Do you run on batteries?" asked Ruby. She looked down at Penny's skirt. "Where do you put them?"

"That's…sort of personal…" Penny muttered, sounding embarrassed.

Ruby bounced in place as her gaze shifted back to Penny's face. "Can you get on the Internet? Or watch movies? Do you have games? We should totally play some!"

"RUBY!" yelled Penny.

"Hm?" Ruby asked, pausing mid-bounce. "What is it?"

Penny shifted uncomfortably, halfheartedly trying to tug her way out of Ruby's grip. "Do...do you really not care that I'm not real?" she asked. "I'm a synthetic person that's capable of generating an Aura. Don't you think that's…odd?"

"No," said Ruby immediately, dropping back to the ground. "Should I?"

"Yes!" yelled Penny, finally pulling away from Ruby. "I'm just a machine! I'm made of nuts and bolts, not squishy guts!" She sighed and looked down at the garbage covered concrete. "…I'm not a real girl like you."

Ruby smiled and gently took Penny's hands back in her own. "Yes you are. You're real to me."

Penny looked at Ruby, her face distraught. "But I'm just-"

"So you're made of metal," interrupted Ruby. "Who cares? We're still friends, right? It's not like you were programmed to become friends with me." Ruby paused as she considered something. "…You weren't programmed to become friends with me, right?"

Penny shook her head quickly. "No! I wanted to be friends with you! I promise!"

"Well then, there you go!" said Ruby happily. "You made that decision. You chose to be friends with me. And I choose to still be friends with you. Nuts, bolts, and all."

Penny blinked and touched her face. She pulled her hand away when she felt liquid trailing down her cheeks. "My coolant levels appear to be leaking…" she muttered in amazement.

Ruby smiled as she let go of Penny's hands. She reached over and gently wiped the liquid off of Penny's face. "Those are called tears, Penny." She held out her arms and said, "Hug?" Penny stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Ruby hesitantly. Ruby laughed and pulled Penny forward, wrapped her arms around her, and squeezed her tight. "See? You were worried for nothing."

Penny giggled and returned the hug. "You're right, Ruby. I suppose I just panicked, huh?"

"Yeah," said Ruby. "Nothing bad is going to happen."

"Penny!" called a voice from further down the alley.

Penny shrieked and tightened her grip. "Something bad is happening!"

Ruby heard an audible cracking noise as her body was crushed by Penny's vice-like grip. She wheezed and choked out, "Who are…those…guys?"

"The work for Mr. Ironwood! And my father works for Mr. Ironwood! And I work for Mr. Ironwood!" Penny gasped, squeezing Ruby tighter. "If they see you, they may not let me be friends with you!"

Ruby made a squeaking noise as her face turned blue and then purple. "Why…?" she asked, her voice raspy.

"It might affect my combat-readiness!" gasped Penny. She narrowed her eyes and growled, "That can never happen."

Ruby blinked rapidly as her vision started fading. "Penny…" she begged, futilely tapping at the android's arm. She was vaguely aware of a bright light at the end of the alley, where a woman in a white cloak was beckoning to her.

"Ruby!" she thought she heard the woman say. "I didn't think I'd see you so soon! Just let go, baby! Mama's got a fresh plate of cookies for you! We can eat them together with a nice cool glass of milk to go with it! Afterwards, we can hunt down some of those bastard Grimm and pump them full of lead! Won't that be lovely?"

"I have to save the world…" muttered Penny, "But I have to save my friendship with you, too." Penny groaned in frustration and said, "I won't let anyone tell me to throw my friendship with you aside like it's a piece of…" Penny trailed off as inspiration struck her. She turned around, her gaze settling on a filthy dumpster against the graffiti-covered wall. "…Garbage…" she muttered.

Ruby gasped as Penny's arms moved away from her neck and the darkness clouding her vision faded. ("Dammit," muttered the woman in white as she faded from Ruby's view) She suddenly squeaked as Penny put her hands on her waist and lifted her over her shoulder. "Penny?!" she yelled. "What are you doing?!"

"FOR FRIENDSHIP!" yelled Penny as she threw Ruby in the dumpster. She slammed the lid down. She turned, paused, and then turned around again to open the lid. "I'm sorry, Ruby," she said to the now-garbage-covered girl, "But I need you to hide until I leave with those soldiers. I don't want you to get into trouble."

Ruby's nose wrinkled as the foul stench fully hit her. "I could have just hidden by the dumpster, Penny!" she gagged, grabbing a banana peel off of her head and throwing it to the side. "You didn't have to-"

"There's no time!" hissed Penny, slamming the dumpster's lid down on Ruby. She turned just in time to see the maroon-striped soldier run towards her. "Hello Private Simmons," she greeted.

"Penny!" panted Simmons. "Why the fuck did you run away from us? And who was that girl you were with?"

"She was just a random passerby who I in no way shoved in the dumpster next to us," lied Penny. After a violent hiccuping fit, she leaned against the dumpster and whistled casually.

Simmons stared at her. "…Riiiiiight…" He shook his head and said, "Listen Penny, you shouldn't cause such a scene. What do you think people would say about you stopping a truck with your bare hands?"

"…That I was a Huntress?" suggested Penny. "They pretty much have superpowers."

Simmons opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again as he considered what Penny had said. "…Alright," he said after a while, "I'll give you that one."

"Besides," said Penny, "I only ran because you were chasing me."

"Yeah…" agreed Simmons. He blinked as he considered what Penny had just said. "Wait, what?! Are you trying to say that this was my fault?!"

"Correct," replied Penny.

"What the fuck?!" yelled Simmons. "No it's not!"

"It's alright, Private Simmons," said Penny. "I'm sure the General will believe you if you tell him. By my calculations, there's only a forty percent chance that he'll be disappointed in you."

"Disappointed?" repeated Simmons. He gulped. "O-on second thought, I'm sure the General doesn't really need to know what happened. Let's just take you back and see if you need any repairs."

"That sounds great!" said Penny. She blinked and said, "Where is Minor Junior Private Negative First Class Grif?"

"Here…" wheezed a voice from further down the alley. Simmons and Penny turned to watch the orange-colored soldier, who was huffing, puffing, and clutching a stitch in his side, stumble towards them. "What…what did…what did I miss?" he panted. He groaned and fell face-first to the filthy ground.

"Seriously man," said Simmons, looking down at the fallen soldier and prodding him with his foot, "How the fuck did you ever pass basic training?"

"Pass?" asked Grif as he looked up inquisitively. "You mean you actually have to go to that?"

Simmons sighed and slapped a hand against his helmet's visor. He grabbed Penny's hand and wordlessly walked down the alley with her.

Grif groaned and pulled his hefty body back up on his feet. He walked after the two, pulling a box of cigarettes out of his pocket as he did so. "Seriously…" he muttered to himself. "I need a sabbatical or something after this shit."

Meanwhile:

The roar of an engine filled Vale's empty streets as a yellow motorcycle raced down the road. Its rider grinned as she sped up, the wind blowing her hair behind her…directly into the face of her passenger, who was hanging on to the rider's waist for dear life.

Neptune spat Yang's admittedly pleasant-smelling hair out of his mouth. "Seriously," he yelled over the engine's roar, "Are you sure you don't have another helmet?" He looked forward and his face went chalk white. "CAR!" he shrieked.

"Sorry!" yelled Yang, a bright yellow helmet on her head and a big smile on her face. She casually steered the bike out of the oncoming vehicle's path. "And nope! Just the one helmet! But why are you even complaining? You don't even need a helmet with your aura protecting you!"

Neptune blinked. "Oh yeah…I honestly forgot about it." After a moment's pause, he frowned and asked, "Wait, then why are you wearing one?"

"That's easy!" shouted Yang. "I wear one because…because…" She paused. "…Why am I wearing one?" she asked quietly.

"LIGHT!" yelled Neptune as a streetlight fast approached them. He quickly shut his eyes and held on tightly to Yang, bracing for impact.

Yang wheezed as she made a turn, narrowly avoiding the light. "Easy on the goods, hon," she called as the bike roared down the dark street. "I know what I'm doing."

Neptune cracked an eye open and looked around. Seeing that he was not, in fact, in a horribly fatal accident, he let out a sigh of relief. "Sorry," he said, relaxing his grip on Yang's midriff. "I-I'm not really used to this sort of thing..."

"It's alright," Yang said with a dismissive wave of her hands. At Neptune's panicked squawk, she quickly placed her hands back on the bike's grips. "I guess I should take it a little easier, huh? I keep forgetting that not everyone likes it as rough as I do."

"Yeah, thanks. I-" Neptune paused his grateful remark as he thought over what Yang said. "Wait…you are talking about the motorcycle, right?"

Yang grinned as she looked back at Neptune. She gave him a wink and said, "Play your cards right, handsome, and you might find out."

Neptune's jaw dropped as Yang looked back at the road. He exhaled a shaky breath and muttered, "Damn…"

"Aha!" said Yang. "I knew it was around here somewhere!" She squeezed the lever on the bike's right grip and stomped on one of the pedals. The tires smoked as the bike came to a squealing stop. Neptune slammed into Yang's back as he was launched forward. With a groan, he slid off the motorcycle and landed on the pavement. "Where am I?" he murmured, dazed.

"Junior's!" said Yang happily. She took off her helmet and dropped it onto the seat of the motorcycle. She stretched and walked away from the bike.

What she was actually walking towards, Neptune had no idea. His attention was locked onto the back of Yang's miniskirt. "Oh damn…" he muttered, his eyes following the blonde's swaying hips.

Yang stopped and looked back at him. She grinned and said, "Yes, my ass is in gear. How about you do the same?"

Neptune coughed and averted his gaze, his face turning red. "R-right," he said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and repeated, "Right, sorry." He got back onto his feet and dusted himself off. "So, what are we doing here any-" His voice died as he finally looked at the building Yang had parked in front of. "Oh…damn…"

When Yang had started driving past some seedier parts of town, Neptune had prepared himself for a place that was rougher than what he was used to.

He was not, however, expecting something that looked like it had been dragged through a war zone.

Cracks and craters decorated the building's walls as though it had suffered heavy artillery. Several of the windows looked like they were blown open, with scorch marks on their sides and sills. In front of the building was a very man-sized indent on the concrete path. The obnoxiously bright neon sign reading the word JUNIOR'S was only lit on the OR'S, with the UNI cracked and broken. The pathetic-looking J was hanging precariously by a wire off the building.

Neptune gulped, his mouth suddenly very dry. "Wait, I recognize this place. It was all over the news a couple of months ago. They said that it was wrecked by some angry demon from hell."

Yang turned to glare at him. "I am a perfectly even-tempered demon from hell, thank you very much," she huffed.

Neptune blinked. "Wait…that was you?! You," he gestured to Yang, "Did this?!" He gestured back to the ruined exterior of the nightclub. "How? Why!?"

"Well," Yang began, "to make a long story short, I was looking for someone and the owner didn't know where she was. So I assaulted him."

Neptune coughed and took a step back from Yang. "That…seems like a bit of an overreaction."

"Eh…" Yang shrugged. "He's probably forgotten all about it. Let's head inside." She turned and walked to the club's front doors.

Neptune sighed as he started following Yang. "Alright, just calm down," he told himself. "So Yang's got some bad history with this place. We're just asking some questions." He laughed and said, "Besides, it's not like Yang's just going to barge in there or anything like that. No one will even know we were here."

Yang reached the club's front doors. She cleared her throat daintily and raised her fist as though she was about to knock. Suddenly, she pulled her arm back and shot it forward, punching one of the doors with all her might. The door was knocked from its hinges, splintering in half as flew into the club. Yang grinned as she stepped inside, the club's loud music scratching to a halt as she did so.

"Honey!" she called into the now silent building, grinning wildly at the stunned crowds within. "I'm hoooome!"

Neptune froze mid-stride. "…Please god, no…" he muttered.

Dozens of black-suited men rushed from every corner of the room, surrounding Yang. Each of them pulled out firearms of various sizes and pointed them directly at Yang's head.

"Freeze!" shouted one, his mustache twitching in anger. "Don't move or we will be shooting ourselves!"

"Shut the fuck up, Larry," said a voice. The men in front of Yang were pushed aside as a large, bearded man walked forwards. He glared at Yang and said, "What in god's name do you want?"

Yang put her hands on her chest. "Junior, I'm hurt!" she gasped. "Can't a girl visit a friend without being accused of wanting something?"

Junior sighed and said, "Look…just tell me what I have to do to get you the fuck out of here faster."

"I want information," said Yang. She smiled and said, "But I need a drink first."

"You and me both…" muttered Junior. He waved his men aside and walked towards the bar at the back of the room, Yang following close behind him.

Junior's goons turned to stare at Neptune, who hadn't moved from his spot. "Um…" he said hesitantly, "…I'm with her?"

Larry the Goon strode forward. He fell to his knees and clasped his hands in front of Neptune. "Please don't let her kill us…" he sobbed pathetically.

"I'll…I'll try?" said Neptune.

"God bless you," said Larry. He put his face in his hands and started sobbing. Neptune hesitantly reached out and patted the thug on the head. He looked over and spotted two identical-looking girls in red and white staring at him.

"Seriously," Neptune said, pulling away from Larry. "What the fuck did she do the last time she was here?"

The girls looked at each other and then looked around at the club. Their pale eyes passed over the cracks in the glass floor, the shattered lights, and the DJ's booth, where frantic praying could be heard. They both looked back at Neptune and said, in unison, "Don't ask."

Meanwhile:

On the other side of town, Blake had paused in front of a dark alleyway. She squinted her eyes as she took a step forward. "Where are you?" she muttered to herself, her golden eyes peering at the walls.

"Hey, what's up?" said a loud, familiar voice behind her. "Do you guys know where the White Fang's super-secret meeting is happening?"

Blake's eyes went wide as she spun around. Sun was leaning against the side of the adjacent building, chatting with a Faunus couple on the sidewalk. She sighed and quickly strode forward, grabbing onto Sun's sleeve. She dragged him into the alley and slammed him against the wall. "Sun!" she hissed. "You can't just ask people where a White Fang meeting is! Have you even been a part of a terrorist organization before?!"

"Um…no?" said Sun. "This is all pretty new to me, remember?"

Blake blinked. "Oh…right." She stepped away from Sun and said, "W-well, the White Fang use a secret mark to tell people where the meeting is. It's three white scratch marks that-"

Sun pointed to the wall behind Blake and said, "Hey, check out that weird poster!"

Blake turned around to see a large poster with the words 'White Fang Meeting This Way' written on it. Underneath the words was an arrow pointing further down the alley and a picture of a White Fang soldier smiling and giving a thumbs-up.

Blake sighed and rubbed her eyes. "I honestly don't know what's worse. The audacity of it all or the fact that they used Comic Sans as the font."

Sun looked over the poster. "You do sort of have to admire the ballsiness of it," he admitted. He turned back to Blake. "It's like they're not even worried about being caught."

Blake sighed. "Adam never was much for subtlety."

Meanwhile, somewhere in the wilderness:

A White Fang grunt strode into the tent and said, "Sir! Shouldn't you be at that meeting in Vale? The Lieutenant has already le…" He froze as he took in the sight in front of him. "Um…Sir? What are you doing?"

Adam immediately pulled his lips away from his pillow, onto which he had glued a pair of fake cat ears. "Uh…nothing," he lied, hiding the pillow behind his back. He cleared his throat and said, "Look, I can't make it to Vale. I'm far too busy with…" He quickly moved in front of the wall of the tent, where numerous pictures of Blake had been taped to the canvas. "…Important matters."

The grunt stared at Adam for a moment. "Sir…should I be concerned?"

"Only if you tell anyone about this," answered Adam.

"Yes sir!" the grunt said as he saluted. He quickly backed out of the tent.

Adam turned back to the pillow and scooped it up in his arms. "Now…where were we?"

Back in Vale:

Blake peeked around the corner of the alley. The Faunus couple from before were excitedly whispering to each other as they approached a suspicious looking man. The man took one look at the antlers on their foreheads and stepped aside, allowing the two entrance into the warehouse behind him.

"This is it," Blake whispered as she moved back from the corner.

Sun clapped his hands excitedly. "Awesome! Let's do this thing!" He began walking around the corner.

Blake quickly reached out and grabbed the back of Sun's shirt. She hauled him back from the corner and hissed, "Sun! We can't just waltz in there! We'll be recognized!"

Sun sighed. "You're right. I guess we need some disguises, huh?" He looked around the alley. "We could probably use some trash to…"

Blake reached up and pulled off her bow, revealing her cat ears. "Ready!" she said.

Sun stared at her. "Really? That's your big disguise? Taking off your bow?"

"…Yes?" answered Blake.

Sun smiled and gave her a thumbs-up. "Works for me!" He gestured to himself and said, "Now do me!"

Blake looked Sun up-and-down, a frown on her face. She walked forward and buttoned up his shirt. "Ta da," she said dully as she stepped away from him.

Sun looked down at his covered torso in awe. "…Oh my god, I feel so warm." He looked at Blake and said, "Is this how a shirt's supposed to feel? This is awesome!"

Blake rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. "Come on," she ordered, pulling him towards the warehouse.

The man at the entrance spotted the two as they approached and pulled out two masks. "You're not Huntsmen, spies, traitors, or humans are you?" he asked.

"I am definitely not two of those," said Sun, giving the man a thumbs-up. Blake sighed as she facepalmed.

"Sounds good," said the man, making Blake freeze. He handed them both a mask and stood aside to let them pass. "New recruits keep to the right of the room."

Blake and Sun entered the warehouse, where they spotted the couple from before pass a guard at the end of the crate-filled hallway. As they walked, Sun examined the mask in his hand. "So, I have a question," he asked, "If you guys think that this terrorism thing is awesome, why do you hide your faces?"

Blake rolled her eyes and said, "Even we aren't fanatical enough to believe that there won't be consequences for our actions if somebody recognizes us. Besides, it's symbolic. Humanity thinks we're monsters, so we wear masks to look like monsters."

"Monster masks…" repeated Sun. He slipped his on and gave Blake a grin. "That's kind of Grimm, right?"

Blake sighed and put her own mask on. "Why do all the cute blondes I know love puns?" she asked herself.

"You think I'm cute?" asked Sun. He paused as he thought over Blake's words. "Wait…blondes? As in more than one?"

"Let's just go," said Blake, turning and walking towards the guard at the end of the hall. Sun shook his head and quickly followed her. They passed the guard and entered a large room. On one side of the room, armored White Fang troops stood at attention. On the other side, masked Faunus of all ages were standing around, chatting among themselves. Blake and Sun made their way towards the crowd, finding spots to stand in the very center of it.

At the front of the room, a makeshift stage had been set up. A banner with the White Fang logo obscured everything behind the stage. A large, masked man with a sleeveless jacket paced in front of the banner, looking out on the crowd. He suddenly stopped and turned to face the crowd, his imposing stance immediately silencing all conversation. Everyone gave him their attention, eagerly awaiting the words this mountain of a man would speak.

"…" The man was silent as he gazed out on the crowd. He cleared his throat and said, "Mmph-mmph-mph mph mmmph mph mmmph."

There was silence as the crowd tried to make out the words in the man's muffled speech.

"Is…is his mask on too tight?" asked Sun.

"He said 'Thank you all for coming to our weekly recruitment drive," translated Blake.

"Mph mmphs mmph mph mmmph mmmmph-mmph-mph, mmmph mph mmmmph-mmph-mph maaa mmph mph mmmmph mmph-mph." continued the masked man.

"'For those joining us for the first time, let me introduce a very special buddy of ours,'" Blake translated.

"Rommmph Torchmmmph!" said the masked man, gesturing to the side of the stage. The spotlight swiveled to the left side of the stage, where Roman Torchwick was waiting. With a cocky grin, he began making his way to the center of the stage.

Blake turned to Sun and said, "He said, 'Roman-'"

"Torchwick," Sun interrupted, "Yeah, I got it, Blake."

"Thank you, thank you everybody! Happy to be here!" Torchwick called as he sauntered his way to the stage, accompanied by the boos of the crowd. He casually moved to the side, deftly dodging a thrown glass bottle. "You're too kind!"

"Bowler hats suck!" heckled one of the Faunus in the crowd, causing the crowd to laugh.

Torchwick snapped his fingers and called, "Oh, Neo?"

A girl with brown and pink hair rappelled down from the ceiling, sniper rifle in hand. She took aim and fired into the crowd. As the crowd suddenly fell silent, an audible thud could be heard coming from where the heckler's voice originated. The girl smiled sweetly as she lowered the rifle. She tugged on the ropes around her body and she was lifted back up to the ceiling and out of sight.

"Thank you, Neo," said Torchwick, a smirk on his face. He looked at the crowd and said, "Now that I have your attention, let me make a guess. I'm betting that you all are wondering what a filthy human like myself is doing here, right?" He chuckled and said, "Let's just say I…empathize with your cause. Humans are scum. They've always been scum. They'll always be scum." He gestured to himself. "Case in point. I mean, if this world of ours was as perfect as the humans would have us believe, why would people like myself and my associate with the impeccable aim exist? Why would we willingly lie, cheat, steal, and kill from our fellow man? Why would people like you get looked down on just because you have tails growing out of your asses? Why would the White Fang get demonized just for trying to get all of you a better life? Hmm? Anybody have an answer?"

Torchwick waited for a moment for the silent crowd to answer. When no one did, he smirked and continued. "Of course you don't. It's because this world isn't perfect. Those in power spend more time helping themselves than running our kingdoms properly. They'd rather stick to the status quo than actually stick their necks to help you. They are the ones to blame for your lot in life." He gazed out into the crowd. "So…let me answer your question, shall I? Why am I here? I'm here for the same reason you are here. I'm sick of the way things are run. You want change. Change takes power. Power that I can give you."

Torchwick snapped his fingers again. The White Fang banner behind him dropped, revealing a large mechanized battle suit behind him. "If you were in Vale's downtown area today," continued Torchwick, "You might have seen the esteemed General Ironwood introducing these bad boys. But, in case you weren't, let me do the honors." He gestured to the mech. "This is the Atlesian Paladin-290. Armed with guns, rockets, and four thousand pounds of pure, Dust-infused steel. Capable of turning even the toughest Grimm into black pudding in a matter of seconds. Imagine what it could do to a human, huh?"

"Oh shit…" muttered Sun, staring at the Paladin. "That's one big robot."

"Mecha," corrected Blake, glaring at Torchwick through her mask. "How the hell did he get his hands on that?"

"Some of you might be wondering where I got this thing from," said Torchwick, tapping the Paladin with his cane. "My employer has generously provided me with a few of these things that I can give to you. Our operations in the southeast could use more manpower." He pulled out a cigar from his pocket and lit it. "If you are ready to get off the leash and fight for your freedom, well…" He gave the cigar a puff and blew smoke out of his mouth. "This is the weapon we can give you. Sound good?"

The Faunus in the audience started to applaud and cheer. The White Fang troops fired their guns into the air in celebration. Torchwick bowed on stage as the audience threw bouquets of roses and various types of underwear at him. The pink and brown haired girl from before rolled her eyes from her position by the Paladin. She pulled out her Scroll and started playing a game.

"So…what now?" asked Sun, looking around at the cheering crowd.

"We should get out of here," said Blake. She turned and started walking towards the exit, but the crowd behind her moved forward to the stage, pushing her with them.

Sun grabbed Blake and pulled her closer to him, away from the crowd. "What do we do now?" he asked, grunting when the people behind him shoved him forward.

Blake looked around for a possible exit. Seeing Faunus all around her, she sighed. "Let's just follow the crowd for now." She pointed to the stage, where Torchwick pulled a pair of briefs off his hat with a grimace. "Torchwick isn't even looking at the crowd any more. As long as we don't do anything that gives away who we are, we should be able to sneak off when we have the chance."

"Got it," said Sun. Together, he and Blake moved closer to the stage.

Back at Junior's:

Yang watched as Junior, grumbling to himself, placed a margarita glass on the bar in front of her. Yang frowned as she examined the red liquid in the glass. She glared at Junior and said, "Where is my-"

"Little umbrella, I know," groused Junior. He reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a little yellow umbrella, which he promptly shoved into the glass. "Enjoy your fucking drink," he said. He turned and grabbed an empty glass and a bottle of whiskey from the shelf behind him.

"Ooh, uh…" said Neptune, who was sitting on the stool next to Yang. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm really not much of a drinker."

"It's not for you, stupid," growled Junior as he turned around. He placed the glass on the table and sat down, eyeing Neptune wearily. "Not unless you're willing to put my balls in a vice too."

Neptune gagged. "N-no, I'm good."

"Then you're not the one I have to worry about impressing," continued Junior, pouring alcohol into his glass. He carefully set the bottle onto the bar and grabbed the glass. He brought the glass to his lips and threw his head back, downing the drink in one gulp. Placing the empty glass back on the counter, Junior looked at Yang and asked, "So?"

"Torchwick," said Yang, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Haven't seen him," Junior answered. "Not since you busted this place up the last time."

"Why do I find that hard to believe?" asked Yang. "You two are friends, right?"

Junior laughed loudly at that. "Friends?" he asked. "Have you talked to the guy? He doesn't do the whole 'friend' thing. The closet thing he has to a friend is his evil little sidekick."

"Then why was he even here?" asked Yang.

Junior sighed and reached for the bottle again. "He needed muscle for a job. Something about a Dust robbery or something. He paid up front and I lent him some of my boys. It was just business." He poured himself more whiskey and put the bottle back down.

"And he hasn't been back since?" pressed Yang.

Junior chuckled. "I'm guessing you didn't see the news, huh? My boys botched that job up pretty badly. None of them came back." He shuddered and took a sip of his drink. "Not in one piece anyway. Aside from Larry, but he's an asshole."

"Rude!" shouted Larry, who was on his way to the restrooms, plunger in hand.

Neptune slammed his hand down on the counter and stood up to stare down at Junior. "And why should we believe you?" he questioned.

Junior smiled slightly. He stood up, glass in hand, and towered over Neptune, who went wide-eyed as he craned his neck to look up at Junior. "You're new at this, huh kid?" asked Junior, sipping his drink.

"I'm not," said Yang, standing up herself. She glared up at Junior, who seemed to shrink as he stepped away from her. "So you tell me. Why should we believe you?"

Junior sighed and set his drink down. "Blondie, even if you don't believe me, that's all I know. I haven't seen Torchwick since you came in the last time. All I know is that he's been gathering a lot of Dust for some reason. I don't know what."

Yang stared at him, her eyes turning red. Junior gulped, but didn't make another sound. After a few seconds, Yang sighed. Her eyes turned back to their normal color as she faced Neptune. "Come on," she said. "We should go."

As Yang and Neptune walked away, Junior eyed Yang's forgotten drink. He let out a shaky breath and grabbed it. He quickly drank the red liquid and sighed. "Christ, I hate this fucking city," he muttered, setting the empty glass down.

Back at the warehouse:

Sun and Blake were getting closer and closer to the stage as the line of new White Fang recruits moved forward. "See any way out?" whispered Sun.

"Not yet," hissed Blake. She looked at the stage, where Torchwick and the pink/brown-haired girl were taking a selfie in front of the Paladin.

"Well, let me know when we should-" began Sun. He was cut off when an excited child with rabbit ears latched onto his shirt.

"Hey, hey! Mister!" said the girl. "We get to be White Fang guys! Isn't that cool?!"

"Oh god," said Sun, looking at the little girl. "This is…disturbing that you're this young and at a rally for a terrorist cult."

"The White Fang rules!" shouted the little girl, yanking on Sun's shirt.

"Yeah, great!" said Sun, trying to pull his shirt out of the girl's grasp. "Now if you could please just let-"

"RUUUULES!" screamed the little girl, giving Sun's shirt a mighty tug.

There was a loud ripping noise. Everyone in the warehouse turned to look at what had happened.

The buttons on Sun's shirt were on the floor, having been torn off by the excited girl's yanks. Sun's shirt was open, exposing his torso. Everyone stared as his abs seemed to glow with a golden light.

"Wow," said the little girl, finally letting go of the shirt.

"Wow," said Blake.

"Wow," said the crowd.

The pink and brown-haired girl whistled appreciatively. She took her Scroll and quickly snapped a picture of Sun's exposed torso.

Torchwick squinted. "Wait," he said, pointing at Sun. "I recognize those beautiful abs anywhere! It's that monkey kid from the docks! Which means…" His gaze drifted over to Blake. He smirked and pointed his cane at her. "Hello, Kitty."

"Oh shit, he sees us!" said Sun.

Blake finally tore her gaze away from Sun's body and frantically looked around the room. She spotted a breaker box and smiled. "He can't see in the dark!" she said as she grabbed her weapon. She aimed and fired at the box, plunging the room into darkness.

"Hey!" yelled Torchwick, his vision gone. "I can't see!"

"Ha!" laughed Sun, able to see Torchwick squinting in the darkness. "Sucks to be you, asshole! Too bad you don't have night vision like we do!"

Blake looked around, her eyes wide. "Um…Sun?"

Sun looked away from Torchwick and saw the White Fang soldiers leveling their guns at him and Blake. "Oh…" he said. "…Well, fuck."

The nearest White Fang soldier smirked and yelled, "Suck hot lead, traitors!" As she and the other troops squeezed their triggers, Blake and Sun closed their eyes, preparing for the worst.

Click.

Blake and Sun opened their eyes and looked around. The soldiers around them were squeezing their triggers, only to hear the click of empty magazines.

"Why did we fire all of our guns in the air again?" asked one.

"It seemed appropriate for the moment," answered another.

The soldier nearest to Blake and Sun frowned and held up her gun. "Well," she said, "we can still smack you around with these things."

Blake and Sun looked at each other and smirked. The ran forward, pushing and punching the soldiers next to them. "The window!" yelled Blake, pointing at the wall. The two ran forward and jumped. They smashed through the glass, landing on the concrete outside. They took off at a sprint, leaving the warehouse behind them.

"That was perfect!" said Sun as they ran down the street. "There's no way they can catch us now!"

They froze when they heard a loud rumbling noise. They turned around and looked at the warehouse just in time to see the wall explode outwards. A large metal foot stomped on the rubble as the Paladin from the warehouse stepped out, crushing the brick and splintered wood beneath its feet.

Blake frowned and glared at Sun. "You were saying?" she asked.

"LEG IT!" screamed Sun. He and Blake turned and ran, the Paladin close behind them.

At the CCT:

As Weiss exited the elevator, she took a look through the window at the night sky outside. "…Did I really just spend an entire day on the phone?" she asked herself.

Bzzt. Bzzzt.

Weiss reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her vibrating Scroll. She answered it and brought the device to her ear. "Hello?"

"Everyone! We need backup immediately!" came Blake's voice through the speaker.

"We are going to fucking die!" screamed Sun's voice.

Weiss unhooked Myrtenaster from her side and started running. "I swear," she grumbled as she pushed through the doors to the CCT, "you spend one afternoon on the phone and the entire team just falls apart without you."

In the disgusting alley:

Ruby gagged as she shook an unidentifiable liquid off her shoe. She shuddered and looked up at the night sky. She raised her eyebrows and turned back to the dumpster she had just crawled out of. "Did I really spend all day in the dumpster?" she asked herself.

Bzzt. Bzzzzt.

Ruby pulled her Scroll out of her pocket and answered it. "Yello?"

"Ruby!" yelled Sun's voice. "Torchwick's got a huge robot-"

"Mecha!" interrupted Blake's voice.

"Who cares?!" yelled Sun. "It's big, it's chasing us, and Torchwick is inside it!"

"That…sounds…AWESOME!" squealed Ruby. "I am so there!"

"Wait," said Sun's voice. "What the fuck do you mean, awes-"

Ruby hung up on Sun and put the Scroll back in her pocket. She hummed happily as she unhooked Crescent Rose from her back. As the giant scythe unfolded, Ruby skipped down the alley.

Outside of Junior's:

"So what do we do now?" asked Neptune, getting on the back of Yang's motorcycle.

Yang started the bike and said, "I guess we just head back to the dorm. I wonder how everyone else is doing?".

The both froze as they heard loud crashes and rumbles coming from behind them. They turned their heads just in time to see Sun and Blake run past them, a giant robot hot on their heels.

"A little help, please," called Blake as they ran past.

"I'm too buff to die!" sobbed Sun.

"Stand still so I can get ya!" came Roman Torchwick's voice from the robot's speakers.

Yang and Neptune watched as the three dashed down the street and turned, disappearing from sight. "I'm thinking they aren't doing so well," observed Neptune.

"No shit," said Yang, her hands clasping the bike's grips. "Hold on!" The bike's engine roared as Yang took off after the three.

Blake and Sun jumped from the rooftop they had climbed up to the busy highway below. Cars honked and swerved as the two landed on the hoods of separate cars. They jumped forward, landing on car after car, hoping to get some distance.

The Paladin landed on the highway, cracking it, and dashed towards the two Faunus. It knocked cars out of the way in its pursuit, sending them crashing into the barriers of the road.

"Oh shit!" cursed Sun.

"Keep moving!" yelled Blake. The two of them moved from car to car as the Paladin chased after them. Torchwick, inside the Paladin and staring at the view screen in front of him, ground his teeth in frustration as the two got further away.

From behind the Paladin, Yang and Neptune raced onto the highway. "Dammit," cursed Yang as they got closer to the action, "I can't fire Ember Celica and drive at the same time." She looked at Neptune and asked, "Do you have anything to shoot."

Neptune grinned and pulled his goggles down from his hair. He placed them over his eyes and reached behind his back, pulling out a weapon.

A screen inside the Paladin suddenly beeped and appeared in front of Torchwick. It was a camera facing behind the mech, showing the motorcycle gaining on him. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," muttered Torchwick.

The Paladin surged forward into waves of cars, sending them flying back into Yang's path. She grit her teeth and swerved, dodging the thrown cars as they hit the highway. "Anytime you're ready, Neptune!" she yelled.

"On it!" yelled Neptune. He got a better grip on his weapon and flourished it, causing it to transform into a rifle with blue light attached to the barrel. He aimed the gun at the Paladin and squeezed the trigger, causing the blue light to shine. He let go of the trigger, causing a blue, electrified rocket to fire from the barrel. The rocket shot out and slammed into the Paladin, exploding and causing the mech to lurch. After several shots, Neptune flourished the weapon again, causing it to transform into a long, bladed pole-arm. Neptune leapt from the bike at the Paladin, the blade on his weapon splitting into three. He landed on the Paladin, sinking the trident into its back.

Yang drove up in her motorcycle and looked up at Neptune. "…Why didn't you just keep firing at it?" she asked. "It seemed like you were doing more damage."

"Well…yeah," admitted Neptune as he hung from the Paladin. "But you have to admit that was pretty cool."

Blake and Sun landed on two separate vehicles and stopped. "Is…is he still chasing us?" panted Sun.

Blake turned around and squinted, "Isn't that Yang and Neptune?" she asked, pointing at the Paladin.

"What?" asked Sun, spinning around. His eyes widened when he spotted Neptune dangling from the Paladin. "My boy's in trouble!" He clasped his hands together and shut his eyes. "Go Naruto-esque Semblance!"

Sun's hair glowed golden and his shirt started billowing backwards. There was a bright flash of light and two golden copies of Sun were standing at his side.

"Ok," said Sun as he opened his eyes. "Now we can…WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" he screamed at his copies, both of which were staring at Blake. One of them was making a heart with its hands, while the other was making aggressive motions with its pelvis. Sun growled and swung his foot, kicking one of the copies in the rear. "GET MOVING!" he yelled.

The two copies rushed forward, charging at the Paladin. They slammed into the mech's chassis, exploding on contact.

"That's it?" asked Blake. She stared at Sun. "That's all they do?"

"I swear this never happens to me," mumbled Sun. He pulled out his staff and jumped from the truck. The Paladin swung around quickly, causing Neptune to fly off of it. The two boys collided in midair and went sailing off the highway.

"Men," muttered Blake as she rolled her eyes. She turned and glared at the Paladin, which charged towards her.

Weiss suddenly flipped down from the overpass above, landing perfectly on the highway. She stabbed Myrtenaster into the ground, causing ice to form on the highway. The charging Paladin slipped and fell, tumbling off the side of the road.

The Paladin slammed into the concrete beneath the highway. Inside the mech, Torchwick grunted as he forced the machine to its feet. "Of course it had to be these fucking kids again," he muttered to himself. He sighed and said, "Oh well. At least I don't have to deal with-"

"Hey!" shouted an irritatingly-familiar voice.

Torchwick made the Paladin's cameras look down at the ground, where he spotted a familiar-looking cloak. "…Red," he growled. "You really think you can fight me all alone?"

Ruby grinned up at the Paladin. "Nope," she answered. Weiss, Blake, and Yang landed beside her, weapons at the ready. "That's why they're here."

"Well perfect," came the voice from the speakers. "Now you can all die together." The Paladin stomped towards them, its arms raised.

"Team RWBY!" yelled Ruby. "Time for Operation: Shipping! First up, Freezerburn!"

Blake and Ruby jumped out of the way, leaving only Weiss and Yang to face the Paladin. The two girls looked at each other.

"Ready?" asked Yang, cocking her gauntlets.

"Do you think you can handle me?" asked Weiss, her rapier poised to strike.

Yang smirked and sauntered towards Weiss. She embraced the heiress, her chest touching Weiss's own. "Show me what you got," said Yang, smirking. She reached one of her hands up and brushed a stray lock of hair out of Weiss's face.

Torchwick blinked inside the Paladin. "…What is happening right now?" he asked.

Weiss suddenly stabbed the ground with her rapier, sending a layer of ice over the concrete. Yang, not breaking her embrace with Weiss, fired into the ground. A cloud of steam rose up, completely covering everything.

As Torchwick swung the cameras around, he could have sworn he heard what sounded like a noisy smooch, followed by a slap.

Growling, Torchwick slammed a button on the console in front of him. The Paladin's turrets activated, their laser sights scanning the battlefield for the four girls. Something dashed through the fog on the right. Torchwick turned and fired, but the girl was already gone. He saw a flash of yellow and fired again, this time blasting Yang backwards.

There was an angry yell and Ruby came charging out of the fog, her scythe ready. She slammed into the Paladin, knocking it off-balance. "Checkmate!" she called out, before disappearing again.

Blake and Weiss dashed forwards, using their blades to slash and stab the Paladin. Blake used her Semblance to attack from various points, using her clones to dash from one side of the Paladin to the other. While Blake distracted the mech, Weiss jumped up and stabbed its front-facing turrets, causing them to malfunction. She flipped away using her glyphs. The Paladin lifted its leg, preparing to stomp Blake. Weiss landed on the ground and formed another glyph underneath Blake, pulling her back into Weiss's arms.

"You know, Blake," said Weiss, wrapping her arms around her teammate, "I wasn't sure about you being a Faunus at first." She leaned in close to Blake's uncovered cat ears and whispered. "It's growing on me…" She leaned in and nibbled on one of the ears.

Blake blushed and started purring at Weiss's gentle attention.

"I…you…WHAT?!" spluttered Torchwick from inside the Paladin. "Take this seriously, dammit!" The Paladin's shoulders were uncovered, revealing missile launchers. Rockets fired from the launchers at Weiss and Blake, forcing the two to use one of Weiss's glyphs to get away. Torchwick fired from the mech's arm cannons, blasting Weiss backwards. As she soared through the air, Weiss fired a beam of golden dust from her rapier, striking the ground underneath Blake.

Blake suddenly seemed to blur as she sped forward to slash and slice the missiles, causing them to explode before they ever touched her.

"God, that seemed a little overpowered," said Weiss. She slammed into the ground, grunting in pain.

As Yang rushed forward to carry Weiss out of the line of fire, Ruby ran towards Blake, yelling, "Ladybug!" She fired backwards, using the momentum to dash underneath the Paladin. She landed on the other side and repeated the attack, dashing back to the other side. Blake dashed past her, rushing in the opposite direction. The two girls continued rushing back and forward, slicing at the Paladin's legs. The mech suddenly turned and fired at Ruby, who used her speed to jump back towards Blake. The two girls jumped towards the Paladin, using their speed to slice off one of its arms.

Blake quickly grabbed Ruby, moving her out of the way of the arm. "That was close," she muttered. She looked down at the girl she was slightly dipping and smiled. "Looks like your plan is working, Red Leader. I'm impressed."

Ruby smiled and wrapped her arms around Blake's neck. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Miss Kitty," she said, giving Blake a wink.

"WOULD YOU STOP IT?!" screamed Torchwick, turning to face them. Distracted, he failed to notice Yang as she leapt up on top of the Paladin. She began punching and firing at the mech, causing it to smoke and spark. Suddenly, it leapt backwards, slamming Yang through a few of the supports for the highway. Dazed, Yang dropped to the ground. As she was falling, Torchwick reared back and punched her through one last support, causing her to slam into the concrete ground.

"Don't worry," said Ruby to Blake, "Yang can use the damage she takes to get stronger. That's her Semblance!"

Blake stared down at Ruby. "…Yeah, Ruby, I know. I've known what her Semblance is for a couple of months now, remember? I am her partner."

"…Oh," said Ruby. "My bad."

Yang pulled herself up from the crater she created. Her hair was blazing gold as she leveled a red-eyed glare at the Paladin. The damaged mech threw another punch with its remaining arm. Yang reached out and caught the arm with her hands. With a roar, she tore the arm from its metal socket and bashed the Paladin with it. The mech stumbled before kicking Yang away from it.

"Bumblebee!" shouted Ruby as Yang sailed past.

Blake threw Gambol Shroud's blade at Yang, who caught it in her hand. Blake pulled on the weapon, making the ribbon taut. Yang corrected her position in the air and landed on her feet. She fired into the ground, making her speed to the right. With her momentum and the ribbon in her hands, Yang flew in a circular motion and smashed into the Paladin. The damaged machine moved away from Yang as she spun faster and faster.

"We need to slow it down!" shouted Ruby. "White Rose!"

"Fine," said Weiss. She held out her arms. "Come here."

Ruby dashed into Weiss's arms and snuggled against her chest. "Best move ever, huh BFF?" she asked happily.

Weiss rolled her eyes, but smiled at the girl in her embrace. "Dunce," she muttered. She leaned down and kissed Ruby's forehead. The two of them held out their weapons as Weiss's glyphs formed in front of them. Ruby fired, causing a beam of blue Dust to fire into the Paladin. Ice formed on the Paladin's legs, freezing it into place.

Blake swung her ribbon, sending Yang towards the Paladin. Yang fired twice against the ground, speeding towards the mech in a streak of fire. She punched with all her might, melting the metal of the Paladin before sending it flying backwards. It smashed against the ground, breaking into pieces. Roman Torchwick grunted as he slid across the concrete, before coming to stop among the pieces of his robotic ride.

Blake smiled as she strode towards Yang, who's hair was still glowing. She reached out her hand and slapped Yang's rear. "Good work, Xiao Long."

Yang turned back and grinned at Blake, her burning eyes sparking with mischief. "Don't tease me like this, Bellabooty. I'm all riled up already. Who knows what I'd do to you?"

"Promises, promises," said Blake, smirking.

"I'M STILL HERE FOR GOD'S SAKE!" screamed Torchwick as he stood up. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?!"

"Oh good," said Yang, grinning madly. "A target." She fired her gauntlets at Torchwick, sending a blast of fire towards him.

Just as the blast was about to hit, something white, pink, and brown dropped to the ground in front of Torchwick, shielding him. When the fire faded, the girl from the rally lifted her pink parasol against her shoulder and smiled at Yang. She winked at Yang and gave an exaggerated yawn.

"Neo, you're beautiful," said Torchwick gleefully. "Let's get the hell out of here, huh?"

Neo nodded at Torchwick and turned to face Team RWBY. She bowed towards the team before blowing an extremely loud kiss at them.

Yang roared and rushed forward, punching the girl in the mouth…or so she thought. The second her fist made contact with the girl's face, she and Torchwick seemed to shatter like glass. Yang looked around in confusion before hearing the roar of a Bullhead. She looked up and saw Torchwick and Neo waving at her from a fleeing aircraft.

"Well shit," muttered Yang, her hair and eyes going back to normal. "That was new."

"Oh well," said Ruby. "A least we broke his robot, right?"

"Mecha," corrected Blake.

"Right," agreed Ruby. "And we got to try out Operation: Shipping! Aside from Enabler, that is."

"Fine by me," said Yang with a shudder. "It feels weird when your hands are all over my-"

"And we didn't try out Pollination either," continued Ruby.

"Well, that just makes sense," said Weiss. "I'd like to keep my clothes on during a battle, thank you very much."

"And where would we even find a bed big enough for all of us around here?" questioned Blake.

"…Say…" said Yang, thinking of something. "Jaune was the one who suggested Operation: Shipping, right?"

Ruby nodded. "Yep. He said it'd be good for teamwork and that it would distract the enemy!"

"You don't think he had any other reason for suggesting that we all get flirty with each other, right?" asked Yang.

Ruby scoffed. "What? No! It makes perfect tactical sense! Now, come on team! We're finding a bed and practicing Pollination right now!" She walked off, gesturing for the rest of Team RWBY to follow her.

Weiss sighed and pulled out her Scroll. "Finding the nearest four-star hotel now…"

As Ruby and Weiss walked off, Yang walked over to Blake, who was frowning. "Something on your mind, butt buddy?"

"I don't know," admitted Blake. "I just feel like we're forgetting something."

Meanwhile:

Sun looked up from his ramen and looked around the noodle stand. "Dude," he said, slurping his noodles, "Do you ever feel like you're missing something awesome?"

"Yeah, I do," said Neptune seriously. He grinned and held up his empty bowl. "I'm missing another bowl of ramen!"

"My boy!" yelled Sun happily, raising his own empty bowl. "Chef! We need more noodles over here!"

The blond-haired man with whisker-like marks on his face grinned and grabbed two bowls. "More ramen coming up! Believe it!"

---

When questioned about his role in creating Operation: Shipping, Jaune Arc denied any ulterior motives for the controversial strategy. It's designed to throw off enemies, he claimed. To prove it, he requested video proof of the fight with Torchwick and some time alone in his room so he could study it.

It's been four hours. We fear for Jaune's health.