Chapter 20- Dark Skies
I stood quietly and watched as my brother's coffin was lowered into the ground. I was only vaguely aware of James, standing next to me and holding my hand. Charlie was on my other side, silently crying. We stood in the front row as a hundred people had gathered around to pay their respects to my family. Petunia stood next to my mother and whom I could only assume was her boyfriend. Petunia had taken the same route as my mother when it came to blaming Charlie and I for Harry's death. No doubt Petunia still held grudges against us for all of the pranks we had pulled on her. Her hair had grown back within hours after the latest prank but she still refused to attend the ball because she hadn't had the time to prepare for it in her distress. She should be glad she missed it. I'm sure she can sleep easier without reliving that night over and over in her dreams. Petunia let out a loud sob and her boyfriend, Vernon I think was his name, tried to soothe her by whispering what I assumed were words of comfort while rubbing circles on her back. My mother had decided not to acknowledge Charlie and I. It was as if our presence made no significance to her. Indeed it is true that indifference hurts more than downright hate.
Mother watched the proceedings silently like she was afraid to show any emotion lest she would have another outburst, this time in front of so many dignified people. How could she just stand there like it was duty? How could she look so composed when I felt like all of my insides were screaming? The priest said his last words and people started to walk away from the burial site back to the tents that were set up for the beginning ceremony. It started to drizzle and the remaining people who hadn't initially left for the tents started making there way to them now for shelter. Black umbrellas were going up all around as people scurried along to keep dry. Charlie stepped forward and dropped a rose into Harry's grave. He paused in front of it for a moment before he strode away to a distant cluster of trees, away from all of the people. I glanced his way and saw Leah trailing slowly behind him. The rain began to pick up and I looked up into the bleak sky. The raindrops splattered my face and plastered down my hair. Cars were being driven out of the cemetery in a hurry to beat the oncoming storm. The dark clouds of the horizon seemed to be moving swiftly towards me and I thought of death. How my brother's life had been taken away so swiftly before my very eyes.
I walked around to the gravestone and stared at my brother's name that had been carved in with embellishing flourishes. It was the tradition of the rose to be present at funerals. More specifically, the white rose. I leaned in and placed a kiss on the wet gravestone, whispering my love and eternal memory and placed my flower at the bottom of the stone. I stepped back and looked at my clashing flower, the Lilly I had placed with promises. I felt someone put their hand in mine and looked up to see James was the only other person in sight. I squeezed his hand and he pulled me into his tight embrace.
Just as I had expected, Dumbledore made a speech about the attack at our welcome back feast. At least, that's what Remus explained to me seeing as I had decided to skip it and stay in my room. The day before our return, James' parents, both aurors, had to take statements from James and I concerning the attack. They now knew what was haunting James, they know what he'd done. James' parents were very proud of James, but he was still miserable about it. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all beside themselves with worry. They didn't know what to do around James. His silence seemed to keep them all in reserve as they would shoot each other looks of worry while in his presence. It had been Sirius who had broken the barrier with James. Because Sirius himself was from a dark family, he told James that when it came to deatheaters, it was either kill or be killed. He also told James that he wasn't just defending himself. He was defending me. When Remus had told me what was said, I was touched by Sirius' words. Especially because it was those words that had eased James. He was put at ease because his actions were for me.
There were many from the student body that had been affected from the attack. Somehow though, it felt like I was the only one. I suppose it's because it felt more personal. I knew the truth from Chris Jaromen. When I think about it, Jaromen seemed like the least likely person Voldemort would put so much trust in. It was clever really, using a pretty unexpected person for your biggest plans. But Voldemort had ended up losing both Jaromen. With my testament of everything that had happened, including the events at Drumstrang, and James' witness to Chris' confession, Headmaster Jaromen was removed from Drumstrang Institute. After his condemning trial he was sent to Azkaban for life. His charges were numeral. Jaromen had admitted to all of the accusations against him and, according to The Daily Prophet, seemed quite pleased to do so. There had been no more arrests of deatheaters. The stunned deatheaters had vanished when the deatheaters retreated. The Ministry of Magic is quite stumped to how it was possible. The only people known to be deatheaters were the ones who were killed. I doubt Voldemort expected that many of his number to fall, though the deatheater casualties toll was significantly smaller than the number of wizard and muggle casualties alike.
The wizarding community of Britain is now being heavily cautioned. Many people fear Voldemort and that they will be his next targets. Some even fear him so much that they will not even say his name. More aurors were put on the search for Voldemort, as the people deemed it appropriate. The fact that none of the aurors had a clue as to where he was or what he planned to do did not settle anyone in the least. As if Voldemort alone wasn't enough of an issue, Harry's death would not leave my mind. Most of the time I sat in silence and people would stare at me sadly and with pity. This seemed to become the routine for the last week. Nobody would talk to Charlie or me for that matter. Maybe just a brief condolence, but other than that there was nothing. I felt dead inside. And I felt the guilt. It was my fault. It all fell back on me. I tried to catch myself every time I thought like that because I knew it would only drive me insane. Or drive me to something else, something that felt as though it could take all of my pain away. I felt horrible for even having such thoughts.
There was so much damage that had been done. There was so much destruction that had occurred. There was so much pain that was being felt. What was it all for? Was it for fear? Was it for power? Was it for respect? There is no way that what Voldemort is doing could ever be the right thing to do. So how does Voldemort have so many followers that are willing to do all of this? It is because of fear. It is because of power. It is because of respect. Right now I hated them all. I hated every one of the evil beings under those dark hoods. There was a massive amount of victims that fell to the hands of evil. But some how, it all felt like it was my fault. Charlie sensed it. James sensed it. Remus sensed it. Even Sirius sensed it. I'm pretty sure that most of them did. They looked at me sadly and just as they would begin to say something, perhaps offer advice, they would close their mouth. But they would sit next to me in silence. They would support me. As grateful as I was for their loyalty, I so badly wanted to be alone. But I was afraid. I didn't trust myself to be alone. I felt unstable. The journey back to Hogwarts feels like it didn't happen at all. It too had been nothing but silence. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the welcome back feast. I knew Dumbledore would mention the attack. Many families had been involved, but it felt like I was the only one.
Everyone just keeps staring at me, watching me intently, and waiting for some type of reaction. They treat me like glass, like at any moment I'm going to break. And I hate it so much. It makes me want to scream because I feel so guarded, but so alone. Charlie has been just as silent. Saying nothing, maybe a significant look once and awhile. We just sit together, consoling without words. We don't need them, we never have. I actually walked to the astronomy tower one night. I was so emotionally distraught. I walked to the edge and looked straight up into the night sky. I wondered how many people were looking at it right now, just as I am. I looked out across the grounds. The moon was bright, almost complete in its cycle. Remus would soon become victim to it. I placed both of my hands on the wall and leaned forward looking at the distance from where I stood to the ground. I looked back at the moon and couldn't help but feeling like a victim myself. Not to the moon's wrath of course, but I knew I could relate to what Remus must feel every time the full moon looms closer. How does he stay sane? And there's nothing we can do about it. We have to face it; we're forced to accept it. Remus has to face his lycanthropy. But for Charlie and I, it was our brother's death. I had not cried since it happened. Fooling myself that I'm strong enough to handle it. But it's all a facade. And they were right to watch me with cautious eyes. I am breaking. The love I feel for my brother is overwhelming. There's so much that I never got to say. I want him back. I miss him so much.
"I hope to God you feel this now." I whispered looking up into the night sky.
I climbed on to the ledge and sat with my legs beneath me. There was so much risk that I could fall at any second. But I would not let myself. They say it's the easy way out. I know why. I can feel why. But with every thought I could ever have about taking my own life, in the end, I know I could never do it. At first I thought it was because of my own cowardice. But it's not. I know it's not. It's because of love. Because I know that my brother loved me and that he would never want me to do this. Because I love Charlie and I couldn't leave him alone, we're a sworn team. It's because I love my friends. I couldn't put them through more grief. I couldn't make them face the evil in this world alone. It's because I love James.
"I hope to God you come down." I faintly heard.
At first I thought I had imagined hearing it. But I felt something, someone. I turned around slowly and saw James. The way he was standing, he looked so defeated. It wasn't James at all. I never wanted to see him like that again, the look in his eyes as he stared at me. They held such sorrow. He didn't move, the fear apparent on his face. I climbed down off of the ledge and walked toward him. I stared at him and he looked into my eyes. He was there for me; he had been there for me. Just waiting. Tears began to form in my eyes and immediately James wrapped his arms around me. That's when I lost it. I screamed. He hugged me tighter. I cried and he kept me in his embrace. James gently took my hand and placed it on his heart.
"I hope to God you can feel this now." He whispered.