A/N: Sorry this isn't the next chapter but it's in progress. This is an outtake that the muse demanded be written. Some readers have asked me in the span of this story's posting why Bella slept with Edward and then kept it from Jake at first. This was the muse's answer. I debated on where to place this, but even though it's an outtake, it seemed an important look at the story line so I kept it with the story itself. Thank you for all of your kind words and the little birdie who helped me through it. This is unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. Thank you to all of you who have stuck with this story and for your kind words. x3
Playlist: Can't Keep My Hands To Myself - Selena Gomez
Every Breath You Take - Denmark & Winter
Bella Swan was in hell. Or at least that's what it felt like as she watched her fellow classmates all around her talking, dancing and making fools of themselves after drinking too much.
Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Jake-Mr. Black she reminded herself-had dropped her without a word. And for the life of her, she still didn't fully understand why.
No, that wasn't entirely true. She had some idea why. It had been what she had said to him when he tried to stop them from going too far. She hadn't meant to react so ridiculously but all of her emotions had caught up with her at once in that moment, resulting in a mini-meltdown. She was majorly attracted to Jake-well, more than attracted, she was pretty sure she was in love with Forks High's newest English teacher.
Bella would be lying if she said she had never noticed the way he looked at her, the way he watched her. It wasn't the leer of a man far older than her, desiring to tutor her in a subject that was not part of the current curriculum. It wasn't the stare of one imagining her without her clothes or how she would look on her knees before him. It wasn't flirtatious, predatory or filled with disdain. Instead, his gaze was one of interest. Pure interest.
In truth, it had been a little disconcerting at first. With that interest came a sharp focus, a focus that she was unused to and had never wanted before. Not at least from some stranger whom she had only just met, who had become the newest authority figure in her life.
Bella was good at being invisible. She had been a pro at it back in Phoenix when she lived with her mother. Moving to Forks had changed all of that, much to her chagrin. She had become the newest celebrity in a small town and all eyes had been on her, especially when she had started spending time with Edward Cullen. When they began dating, they had become Forks' own Brangelina. Thankfully, after the novelty and gossip wore off, Bella had been able to resume her lifestyle from before she had traded sunshine for rain and hone her invisibility skills. But when Jake Black introduced himself in her sixth period English class on that first day of her senior year, from the moment his dark brown eyes snapped to hers when she timidly corrected his use of her given name, all hopes of going unnoticed went straight out the window.
When his interest started, Bella wasn't sure what to make of it. At first, he called on her more than any of her classmates. She soon became convinced that he hated her though she had no idea why but his actions quickly disproved that theory. When she knew the answer and stammered it out, blushing in the process and letting her long hair act as a curtain to hide her red face behind, he would nod with an almost proud smile and quickly ask a different question to another student, allowing her time to quietly fade into the background once again. When she was unsure or all but whispered the wrong answer, he would approach her desk and soften his tone, giving her the correct information while also saying he appreciated her attempt at an explanation for the character or theme they were currently analyzing. It was a vast difference to the impatient glower and clipped tone he gave to others such as Lauren Mallory, no matter how sweetly she had stated her answer. Only Janine was spared like Bella herself. And that Bella had understood; Janine's GPA was higher than hers and she always had the right answer.
There were often times that Bella had glanced up from the text of her book and caught Mr. Black staring at her and half a second later, his eyes would drop back down to his own book as a student loudly narrated the selected passage of the day. When tests and quizzes were handed back, Mr. Black would give hers back to her with an approving nod and gently tell her, "Great work, Bella." She would give him a wan smile and shyly take the paper. He would nod again and continue on his way, never speaking the same encouragement to Kyle three seats ahead of her, even though he had aced the material and gotten all of the extra credit available compared to her A - or occasional B+.
The first time Mr. Black had asked her to stay behind once the bell rang, signaling the end of the class, she had nervously thrown everything into her backpack except for one thick notebook that she intended to hold in front of her as a shield. She swung her closed backpack behind her and hugged the notebook tightly before making a slow and hesitant trek to the big desk up front. Bella had no idea why he had wanted to see her; she had done all of the homework, she hadn't been caught sleeping like Todd had earlier, she hadn't been texting on her phone or snapping secret pictures of Mr. Black's very well-fitted jeans when he had been facing the blackboard like Lauren and she had made it to class on time. What on earth did he have to talk to her about?
He had been writing something on what appeared to be a student's essay when she came to a stop at his desk. She waited for him to speak, her stomach climbing its way up her throat with each passing second. Eventually, his hand stopped and his eyes snapped up to hers. Bella nearly had a heart attack.
His gaze was piercing, almost as if he could see right through her but he wasn't. With the way he was looking at her, there was no way he was. Bella's nerves skyrocketed.
Mr. Black seemed to know the effect he had on her and gave her a small smile to ease her anxiety. "It's alright, Bella. Nothing's wrong, I only asked you to stay so I could talk to you for a minute. Not about anything bad," he quickly added when she drew her lips into a thin tight line and her eyes widened slightly.
She let out a tiny inaudible breath. "Oh," she whispered.
He placed his pen down and opened a drawer. "We've been doing this now for a few weeks and I've been wondering," Bella swallowed nervously, assuming the worst. Did he mean her catching him staring at her? The different demeanor he had towards her compared to the rest of the class? Bella hadn't missed his discreet eyeroll when Lauren went back to her seat the other day after she had been bent over his desk, asking him a question about the upcoming reading assignment in her semi-low cut sweater and just barely there skirt that nearly slipped past the dress code. As much as Bella wasn't crazy about her, she had to admit that Lauren was a knockout and it was a fact that most of the male student body was panting after her. It was even rumored that a few of the male faculty members were, too.
Mr. Black pulled out his grade book, opened up the book to the page he was looking for and glanced back up at her, not realizing relief had just flooded her system at seeing the official object. "Your grades are one of the highest in this class. You're right up there with Kyle and Janine. How come you're not in an AP course?"
Bella froze. She had not been expecting that question. "Um...I'm not...I mean, I don't..." She struggled to speak, her face heating up at her inability to verbalize basic words when he stared at her so intently, waiting on her answer.
"You are, Bella." He scanned the numbers on the page before looking up at her again. "Almost an A for every assignment, quiz and test I've given. You know this material inside and out. Have you read it before?"
Bella bit her lip and hitched her backpack higher on her shoulder. "Kind of."
His smile turned into a knowing one. "Did you read these books at home?"
She quietly cleared her throat and blushed again. "We studied them in my old school."
His brows furrowed slightly. "Old school?"
She nodded and hugged the notebook tighter. "I moved here from Phoenix."
Mr. Black's brows now arched in surprise. "From Phoenix? To Forks? Wow, how are you liking that transfer?"
Her eyes snapped to his and she allowed a full, real smile to grace her lips. "Not at all," she admitted.
"Yeah, I bet," he laughed, sitting back in his chair, his face relaxing into an easy grin.
Bella's smile widened at the warm sound and the gentle teasing gleam he had now in his eyes. She suddenly felt comfortable, so comfortable that she forgot her desire of returning to her invisible status and talked more than she normally would. "Rain, rain, rain, clouds, more rain...I don't think I've seen the sun once."
He chuckled. "Yep, that's Washington for you, especially Forks. Although, sometimes at First Beach, every once in a while, the sun does come out."
She blew out a puff of annoyed air, making him laugh once more. "Not when I've been there."
"Well, you'll just have to keep coming back until you do," he suggested. "Hey, aren't people from Phoenix supposed to be naturally tan or something, anyway?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Wow, I haven't heard that question before, in the last year, at all." He sealed his lips together, appearing to be biting back a laugh at her sarcastic retort. "Not everyone comes out of Phoenix all nice and tanned, you know."
"Obviously," he teased.
Mr. Black released more chuckles at the roll of her eyes that she hadn't meant for him to see and her flamed cheeks. "Gee, thanks."
"Alright," he conceded. "Hey, if it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend and I were born and raised around here and she can't stand it either sometimes."
At the mention that he had a girlfriend, something inexplicably began to ache somewhere deep down inside Bella. She didn't understand it at the time but she knew the feeling of disappointment well enough to recognize the tendrils of the familiar emotion starting to take root inside her chest. She couldn't help it but her smile dimmed a little and Mr. Black noticed. "Glad to hear I'm not the only one who can't take all of this rain," she stated quietly.
He nodded, his smile starting to slowly fade and he leaned forward in his chair. Bella wanted to yell at herself for being so transparent and making Mr. Black uncomfortable. A moment ago, they had been joking around with each other and she had almost forgotten he was her teacher. And now, because she had tensed a little bit at the mention of his other half, break time was over and now it was back to business. A tiny amount of sadness set up shop right next to the disappointment inside her. "Well, you'll get used to it just like she did. So, about the AP course, are you interested? Because if you are, I can talk to Principal Hale and get you transferred."
Her eyebrows scrunched up in dislike and slight confusion. "Transferred?"
Mr. Black smiled cordially. "Well, yes, to the AP course. You don't want to stay in this class and go over all of this material again, do you? I imagine that would be pretty boring as well as a complete waste of your time. My recommendation would be for you to move up. Plus, an AP course on your transcript would look great to any colleges you're planning on applying to."
For a brief moment, Bella considered asking him if he taught the AP course as well but ejected the thought from her head as she saw his eyes discreetly glance to the clock on the wall behind her before resting on her once again. She contemplated the offer, knowing full well that Mr. Black was right in his advice. The best thing for her academic career would be to transfer to the higher course. And did she really want to sit through Beowulf and The Canterbury Tales again? Not really.
"So, what's it going to be, Bella? Transfer to AP or stay and go over all of these things again?" He prompted her.
Bella could feel the indecision overwhelming her but one glance at his kind eyes and wide smile, his teeth so white they contrasted nicely with his russet skin, and the decision had been made for her. "I'm going to stay if that's okay."
His smile dropped and his eyes grew wide in shock. "You're going to stay?"
She shrugged shyly. "If that's okay."
He stared at her in surprise, making her feel self-conscious. When she hitched her backpack higher again, it jerked him out of his thoughts and he cleared his throat. "Are you sure that's what you want to do? Surely, it would be better for you to move up..."
Bella met his expectant gaze and nodded. "I'd like to stay," she stated firmly, surprising herself but deep down, she knew she meant it.
He still seemed a bit perturbed but he nodded himself. "Alright." He picked up his pen again and replied earnestly to her request, "Just know that I think, as your teacher, that you would be better off in a higher level course. If you change your mind at all, just let me know and I'll talk to Principal Hale. As long as it's in the next month or so. Any later than that, I imagine it would prove difficult for anyone to try to catch up on that level of coursework after not attending the class for so long."
She gave him a timid smile. "Thank you."
Mr. Black offered a curt nod and then proceeded to write in his grade book, never once looking back up at her. "Do you need a note for your next class?"
Bella shook her head. "I'm okay, thanks," she murmured.
He nodded once more and the conversation was over, just like that. "Enjoy the rest of your day, Bella."
She pressed her lips together in an uncomfortable little smile and started towards the door. "Thanks. You, too." He never lifted his head, making her frown and turn around to leave. Before she could exit, she heard his warm tone once again.
"And, Bella?"
She stopped and glanced back at him over her shoulder, waiting.
Mr. Black's eyes met hers and she could see the warmth there from earlier. "I hear it might be nice this weekend. Bring some sunscreen." He winked and she grinned, nodding. He chuckled and went back to his grade book. Bella, who felt a little lighter than air at that moment, turned and left, wondering if she could talk Ben and Angela into going with her to First Beach the upcoming weekend.
Unfortunately, after that one time, Mr. Black never spoke to her after class again, unless it was strictly business. He never called on her, he never handed her assignments back to her and he never met her gaze. Bella realized that she had made the wrong choice in staying and quite possibly, she had imagined that moment of connecting they had had.
As much as she tried, Bella had trouble recovering from the extreme turnaround. She couldn't understand his sudden and professional aloofness towards her. Before the AP conversation, she could have understood but afterwards...something had changed in those few words exchanged between them. She had seen a different side to him, a side that she instantly felt at ease with, almost as if she had known him for years. She had been able to be herself for a brief moment in time and didn't regret it. Despite how hard she tried to remain on the outskirts of the student body and retain her invisible status, Mr. Black had seen her and didn't allow her to quietly fade into the silent background.
Regardless of Mr. Black's change in demeanor, it actually gave Bella the opportunity to study him in return without his knowledge. She could understand Lauren's and most of the other senior and junior girls' crushes on him. He was an attractive man, young, and built. A fact he was more than aware of but never used to his advantage. His cropped dark hair, usually gelled into spiky ends, and his Quileute heritage suited him incredibly well. His facial features were chiseled but had a soft edge to them, as did his dark brown eyes. He had a piercing and intent gaze that saw right down to your soul but showcased his emotions and thoughts more than he most likely knew himself. He could cut you to pieces with a strong glare or make your heart flutter in your chest with a soft and warm glance. Though the latter seemed to be rare, when Bella saw him at any rate. His tall and strong stature could be intimidating but his manner could be accepting and understanding...and at ease. Just like Bella had felt when they had talked. When he discussed the works they were studying, the passion with which he spoke was moving and his enthusiasm for the written word was infectious. It was evident to each and every one of his students that their English teacher loved the subject wholeheartedly and wasn't just kicking back to get a paycheck. It was certainly obvious to Bella. She enjoyed watching him, listening intently to every word that revealed his keen intellect. He showed concern and dedication for every single senior and junior he taught and continuously challenged them to do their best, sometimes pushing if necessary. And one of his best qualities turned out to be one that Bella hadn't imagined would become the sole one she would appreciate the most: his kindness.
The day Ben Cheney came in late, looking sullen and unkempt, Bella and the rest of the class fully expected to witness another episode of reaming by Mr. Black like they had seen Todd experience two days prior. Instead, the teacher had quietly asked Ben to take his seat and requested that Kyle resume the reading he himself had started. As the latter student proudly stood in front of the class and his slightly nasal voice sounded throughout the room, Bella watched Mr. Black approach Ben out of the corner of her eye. The man squatted down next to the boy and murmured a few words that couldn't be heard over Kyle's enthusiastic reciting. Ben nodded, his eyes trained on his desk, and she then saw Mr. Black stand up, clapping Ben on the shoulder as he walked past. Angela later confirmed that Ben's grandmother had passed away in an emergency room in her hometown of Portland due to a heart attack. Ben had received the news right before English in a phone call from his mother to his cell phone and refused to leave school early, stating he only had one more class and he would then come home. Angela had been walking with him in the hall, making plans for the coming weekend, when his phone had started to vibrate. Her friend also mentioned that Mr. Black had passed by them, on his way to his classroom, when Ben heard the news. He hadn't stopped when Angela had thrown her arms around Ben but later, in class, when Bella had seen their short exchange, Mr. Black had offered his support. He had told Ben that if he needed anything to let him know and expressed his condolences. Bella was also surprised to learn later on that their teacher had also given Ben an extension on the paper that was due two weeks after and allowed Ben an opportunity to retake the test he had failed once he came back from his brief trip to Portland for the funeral.
Mr. Black's kindness didn't stop there. Alice Cullen, Edward's sister, had left school one day to find that not only would her car not start but that she also had a flat tire. She cursed the universe for her bad luck and tried everything she could think of to resurrect her vehicle but nothing worked. She had tried to have her father, Dr. Cullen, paged but to no avail. He was in the middle of surgery at Forks Hospital and there was no way he could drop everything to come help her right then. She couldn't reach her mother and Edward was on a school bus traveling to a game with the rest of the football team. Most of the parking lot was empty, all of the student body having vacated the premises. Some kids had snickered as they passed her, others simply stared. The same could be said for some of the teachers and even then, some of them pretended not to have seen Alice in her predicament so they could rush home to start their relaxing weekend. She had debated calling the one tow truck company in town but it was a Friday afternoon and she could only imagine how long it would take them to get around to her car. She had sighed and opened up her trunk, glancing down at the mechanical contents sadly. Alice never admitted it but Bella knew her friend's eyes had filled with tears then.
Before Alice could reach in to pull out an unfamiliar tool, a deep voice behind her had asked, "Need some help?" She had spun around to find Mr. Black watching her (with sympathy according to Alice). She had nodded and pleaded with the only person to offer her some kind of assistance. Mr. Black had chuckled and told her not to worry. He had then gone about removing her flat tire, popping the spare on he had found in the trunk and lifted the hood to check the engine. In the end, he found that the battery had died and gave her a jump. And not the kind of jump Alice had been hoping for, she had joked to Bella when recounting the story. Bella had simply smiled and ignored the urge to roll her eyes, for her friend's sake if nothing else. By the time Mr. Black had the car up and running, waiting to be driven home, the light in the sky was fading. When Alice had thanked Mr. Black, apologizing for his ruined Friday evening, he had brushed it off, telling her kindly that he was happy to have helped and for her to get home safely. Alice had brought in a cake (Bella hoped that Alice hadn't made herself) the following Monday as a thank you and delivered it first thing to her savior. His cheeks had darkened and again, he dismissed the whole event and accepted her gift with a humble thanks, insisting it was no hardship. That hadn't stopped Alice from telling the tale of how the heroic Mr. Black came to her rescue on a damp and chilly afternoon to everyone in the school. Bella had to force herself not to remind her friend that it hadn't been raining that day and that it had been a refreshing 65 degrees.
All in all, Mr. Black was a mystery to Bella Swan but the more she watched and listened, the more understanding she had of everything about this man and it became clear that the only mystery that still remained was his cold demeanor towards her. And even then she couldn't call it cold but... wasn't sure when it started but she soon craved the attention and approval of this man she had come to admire, this man who just happened to be her teacher. Mr. Black was like the elusive sunlight she had mentioned to him that one time, missing it so profusely. She wished he would shine just a few of his rays on her. She so badly wanted to be acknowledged by him, to matter to him once more. She even hoped his lingering gazes that had been present the first few weeks of school and were now all but absent would return. They didn't.
Bella found herself watching him even more closely in class. The way his eyes lit up when the class enthusiastically engaged with him in discussion. How intensely she desired those eyes to turn on her, just once. The way he strode around the classroom confidently, glancing down at students' papers as they worked on essay questions, smiling to himself and nodding silently in approval. How she wished she could soak up some of that self-assurance and determination for herself, enough to approach him after class one day and demand to know what his issue was with her that he seemed to have. The way his hands moved as he lectured. How strongly the pictures played in her mind of everything he could do with those hands, the ones she loved studying every detail of when he was standing nearby. Her imaginings ranged from fixing Alice's car to writing grades on papers to clapping Ben's shoulder in support to lacing his fingers with hers before cupping her cheek and pulling her closer to where she could feel his warm breath wash over her lips... And before she knew it, her first fantasy of her English teacher had formed.
The fantasy was usually the same, always ending with his mouth on hers. Certain factors started to change with each passing day, such as location. Her most vivid one had been of Mr. Black taking his lunch break out in his car in the lot and her joining him, on his lap, passionately kissing him. Soon the location changed again, but only for his hands. They gripped her hips tightly and yanked her closer against him, his tongue delving into her mouth and her hands in his hair, pulling tightly... She had quietly gasped as she felt the first tingle assault her body at the image. From then on, her dreams, bothing sleeping and waking, ran rampant. Every day she watched him and every single time, she entered her daydreams with the very attractive, intelligent and often puzzling Mr. Black. It became such a common occurrence that she often tuned out the subject matter that was being taught and she barely gave a thought to the assignments or spared a second glance to quizzes and tests as she filled them out. Each time she received a lower letter grade than she was used to achieving, even when one assignment came back to her with a note written in red pen saying, 'What's going on? I thought you knew all of this',she resolved to wake up and do better. She even ignored the flutter in her stomach at his acknowledgement towards their previous conversation, at his addressing her for the first time since that day, even if only through the written word in a reprimand. She told herself to snap out of it and aimed to repair her grade before it was too late, to take the man seriously as her teacher and nothing more. But then Mr. Black would fill her vision at the beginning of the next class and all hopes of concentration were lost.
Bella knew she had a huge crush on her teacher, one she just couldn't seem to help. There was just something about him that intrigued her. Maybe it was because he was young and so good looking, the power of his physical presence and her growing attraction to him driving her insane. Maybe it was because of his sharp intellect and respect for the books he taught with such conviction, unknowingly sharing her passion for a subject already so close to her own heart. Or maybe it was that he was older and...forbidden, an unattainable illusion that she knew she could never have and was therefore, safe. Bella didn't know but one thing she did know, she had never felt this way before.
Oh sure, she had crushes before and she had a boyfriend now, but never had someone driven her to distraction like this. She was one class discussion away from writing Mr. Black's name in her notebook. She had already caught herself doodling hearts in the corner of the paper in black ink while they watched a scene from the newest movie version of Beowulf on the big screen ahead. Mr. Black had been out that day and the whole period was spent viewing the film, already past the infamous Angelina Jolie monster-making scene with the title character. Bella had quietly scolded herself and hurriedly closed the notebook. She wasn't someone who wrote a cute boy's name all over her papers, even attaching his last name to her first one like some girls did back in junior high. But then again, Mr. Black was no boy... She shook that thought out of her head quickly and forced her attention back to the screen ahead.
Bella knew it was wrong to have this crush on a man that she barely knew and was absolutely off-limits to her. Not to mention that said man most likely did not share her increasing attraction and would not only dismiss her from his class should he ever find out but would also report her moronic feelings to Principal Hale if he felt uncomfortable enough. And if somehow he didn't do any of that, then he would continue to ignore her or worse, reject her and remind her of the fact that she was a high school student and he had a girlfriend. A fact that she should have been concerned with for herself.
She was dating Edward Cullen, the doctor's son that everyone in town knew. He also happened to be one of the most popular and good looking boys in school and played for the football team (on his dad's urging). Not to mention that he could be mysterious, shy and brooding sometimes, which only encouraged the admiration of his well established female fan base. According to Jessica Stanley, Forks High's biggest gossip, Edward had never dated anyone seriously, until Bella had come along herself. Needless to say, most of the girls in love with Edward were unkind to her, Lauren Mallory being the biggest proponent of the anti-Bella campaign. It bothered Bella slightly but after she and Edward had been dating for a couple of months, she had eventually shirked it off. She had never fancied being popular.
She and Edward had been together most of the time she had been living here. It was only a month or so after she had moved to Forks that Edward had struck up a conversation in Biology. From then on, a friendship had formed that soon turned romantic. They had been dating ever since. Now that she was crushing on Mr. Black, Bella's feelings for Edward, while still present, had taken a temporary backseat.
In truth, long before Mr. Black came along, Bella and Edward had been experiencing problems in their relationship. When they had gotten together, Edward understood Bella's choice to opt out of attending games, parties and other events. She had tried a few times to force herself to go but the power of Lauren Mallory's hatred and delight of instigating public humiliation for others strongly rivaled and oftentimes conquered Edward's pushing for a mass acceptance of his new girlfriend. After a while, resentment took seed and began to grow in Edward. He had no choice but to attend all of the social functions his presence was expected at yet Bella could avoid them entirely and not have to explain to anyone, including her father. He didn't want to suffer through some of them alone and was hurt that Bella wouldn't support him. He had gone to everything she had asked him to accompany her to, even dinner at the Clearwaters' on the reservation. It had been mightily awkward and even tense at times, especially when Seth had given Edward a malevolent glare and the third degree the whole time. But, Edward had been there and handled it, politely brushing off Bella's whispered apologies to him when Seth was pulled into the conversation at the table. He had even smiled at Charlie's never ending scowl in his direction and subsequent interrogation with Seth joining intermittently. When would Bella do the same for him?
Bella felt guilty and knew Edward had been right. She had tried, in earnest, to make every attempt. She had even allowed him to escort her to their junior prom, with a broken leg at the time. Bella's consistent clumsiness had caused the injury but she hadn't let it stop her. She slipped on the beautiful dress that was a loan from Alice over the cast and hobbled her way to the limo on crutches with Edward's help. Her discomfort had been worth it to see the smile that graced his face that night.
But their renewed happiness had been short lived. Rumors began to spread and this time they weren't about Bella herself. A new student arrival, Victoria, who had become Bella's successor for the title of Forks' newest topic for gossip, had been extra friendly with Edward, especially at all of the social functions Bella had been missing out on. When confronted with this information, Edward had heatedly denied it which then spawned another argument that had nothing to do with Victoria and the gossip fest she inspired.
Bella was still a virgin; Edward was not. Before Bella had moved to Forks, Edward had already been intimate with a few girls that were nothing more than a passing fancy, Lauren unfortunately being one of them. While she wished Lauren wasn't in that lineup, Bella accepted his history, understanding it was in the past and maturity prevented her from feeling any unwarranted jealousy. Edward was seventeen after all, the same age she was at the time they had started dating, and popular and gorgeous...how could she expect him not to have experienced that rite of passage already? Plus, Edward was completely understanding and respectful of her status, never pushing her to do anything she didn't want to do. So no, she never felt jealousy, but insecurites did surface, old ones as well as new ones. And they blared loudly in her head every time she and Edward became physical, getting close to the point of no return only for Bella to slam on the brakes. These episodes would leave Edward frustrated and even though he backed off, never pushing like he said he wouldn't, that didn't mean he kept quiet about it. Bella soon began to feel bad and tried to work through her boundaries for his sake, she never could get to the main event without something stopping her. Needless to say, this caused turmoil in their relationship and once or twice, they were on the verge of breaking up. But Edward always apologized in the end, stated he loved her and begged her to take him back. She knew he loved her; it was there in every look, every touch, every kiss... She would forgive him his harsh words and they would be Bella and Edward once again. Bella refused to part from him; she loved him, too.
But now, things were changing for her. She still loved Edward, still wanted to be with him and be happy in their relationship. She couldn't deny the attraction she felt for someone other than Edward and had even taken to having the same daydreams when with him. Edward appreciated her renewed vigor in their passionate make out sessions but in the end, he would end up even more frustrated. The guilt would eat away at Bella each time, for causing Edward pain and for doing the unthinkable, imagining another man in his place while kissing him. She couldn't stop her feelings, though. And after a while, she no longer tried. The rumors surrounding Victoria continued but they no longer were at the forefront of Bella's mind; Mr. Black was. She no longer mentioned them to Edward and asked what was going on. Inside, she already knew and though it hurt, she refused to let it overwhelm her. Instead, she allowed the fantasies of Mr. Black to flood her being and that seemed to keep the pain at bay for a while. Truthfully, she felt as if she was going a little insane.
Edward noticed her distracted state in school and made mention of it on more than one occasion. She gave him an automatic reply of being tired from schoolwork, cooking for Charlie and her shifts at Newton's as she hid her reddening face behind her hair as Mr. Black passed them in the hallway, his gaze never straying towards them while he returned another student's greeting. Edward's frustration no longer was physical. He soon began to act out in ways to garner her attention that had been lacking as of late. He had even taken to hanging around Victoria and returning her friendliness, all within sight of Bella. It hurt; how could it not? But it wasn't enough to divert the current direction of her thoughts.
So, the two seemed to be at an impasse, something they eventually agreed to resolve without saying or giving away too much to each other. One Friday night in October, Bella had agreed to join Edward at Jessica's party after work. They would enjoy their time together and see where the night took them. Bella had a feeling it would be right upstairs to a bed behind a closed door but she made the plan all the same. She would go to Angela's to change and then both friends would drive over to the Stanleys', meeting up with their respective boyfriends. Bella couldn't shake her recent feelings about Mr. Black but she knew she needed to get past them, to write it off as nothing more than a silly school girl crush. She was convinced that being with Edward would help that; she did love him, after all.
Suffice it to say, Bella was more than surprised and equally nervous when Mr. Black randomly asked her to stay after class so he could talk to her for a minute. He hadn't spoken a word to her since their conversation a month or so earlier, but now the day she was about to make one of the biggest decisions she had yet to make, the man who had starred in every one of her daydreams and fantasies for weeks now was looking to speak to her alone, again.
Bella hadn't known what to expect, her anxiety at an all-time high. When he mentioned her grades, she had nearly thrown up in terror, wondering if he somehow knew he had been the cause of her distraction lately. Thankfully, Edward's tactless arrival had kept her from having to think up an appropriate answer. It had hurt to see him with Victoria yet again, this time willfully in her face, but she knew that after later that night, Edward wouldn't be seeking Victoria's company any longer. There would be no more reason to; Bella would give him her full attention.
Mr. Black had appeared angry, his eyes dark and almost fear-inducing, but he had let her go with a simple warning to keep her grades up for her own sake. Again, always the considerate and dedicated teacher, always thinking of his students. The realization that his only concern for her was academic, her eyes had teared up as her fantasy was torn to pieces. She had known it was only a dream of her own design but still it hurt. The pain nearly rivaled the ache she felt when she saw her boyfriend draped over someone else just moments before. Bella had simply agreed and scurried out of there after Edward and his growing harem, happy to escape the intense gaze of her English teacher that had just forced her back to a harsh reality. And to top it all off, it was raining when she stepped outside minutes later, the sun nowhere present. She had never seen it so dreary and had never felt so cold. When she felt the wet trails on her cheeks, she told herself they were raindrops.
Of course, all of that had changed quickly later that same night. Not only had she caught Edward having sex with Victoria in one of the upstairs rooms of the Stanley household when she arrived late to the party but she had run into Mr. Black unexpectedly as well. It had pained her to see a drinking Edward sleeping with someone else. He was supposed to love her and she was supposed to give herself to him tonight. Obviously, that fact had not dawned on him as his glassy green eyes met hers while he pushed in and out of the moaning redhead who was just as drunk as him, if not more. She smiled at Bella when she saw her, continuing to moan and thrust back onto Edward. It wasn't a malicious smile; there was no triumph in that expression. She simply was enjoying herself and didn't care who saw, even Edward's supposed girlfriend. Edward didn't smile, instead his brows drew together in confused sadness. "Bella?" He choked out.
Bella felt sick and bolted. She ran past everyone, her face still red at what she had just seen, and ignored Lauren's satisfied smile and the cruel laughter surrounding her. The blonde queen of mean had been the one to inform Bella of her boyfriend's location in the house and enjoyed the aftermath immensely. Bella charged out of the house and hurried to get as far from the house as possible. It was raining harder and more raindrops pelted Bella's cheeks. She had no idea where she was going on that dark and stormy night but right then, she couldn't care. She only knew she needed to get away, away from Edward, away from Lauren, away from Forks in general. She would walk to Port Angeles if she had to.
She had been so determined, so lost in her own misery that she didn't notice a car pulling over behind her right away. Only when she heard her name being called did she snap out it enough to recognize the driver. The last person she had expected to see was staring at her in horror, requesting she get into his car. She didn't right away, embarrassed he had seen her like this. She had been humiliated enough for one night and now the subject of her recent fantasies saw her at her worst possible moment. But when he reached over and opened the door for her, inclining his head in an inviting nod, she gave up and climbed into the passenger seat.
Surprisingly, of all the times Bella couldn't think around Mr. Black, this wasn't one of them. The humilation and heartbreak had caught up to her in one embarrassing crying jag but when he had held her, she had never felt more comforted or more cared for. Which was odd considering she didn't know the man that well. But something about his embrace, the way he talked to her in a soothing tone and held her tighter when she needed him to, the way he wanted to keep her safe, made something snap inside her. The decision was made before she could stop herself. She told him the truth about not having anywhere to go for the night.
It had been risky. He could have insisted on her going home, he could have dropped her off at her house or at the police station where her father likely was since she had convinced the man she was staying at Angela Weber's house overnight. He could have driven her to the bus station as she requested, not caring or choosing to involve himself in her personal life as he had mentioned earlier that day. He could have driven her anywhere else or demanded she call someone. Or worse, he could have brought her to his home and his girlfriend could have been there. But thankfully, he had chosen to offer her a place to stay for the night, on his couch, and no one else had been there. From the way he went about getting ready to turn in himself, it didn't appear he expected anyone to come home, either. Bella had to wonder if he still did have a girlfriend. There were no signs to contradict that train of thought. From her short foray into his house, she hadn't seen any pictures of a woman or clothes or any kinds of feminine touches. Even the bathroom appeared to showcase a single male presence. Bella had never been a nosy person but she couldn't resist glancing at the medicine cabinet quickly. She hadn't found anything feminine in there and she was happy to see that there were no suspicious drugs or medicines or anything as a cause for alarm. After all, as she much as she liked him and felt at ease with him, she was about to spend the night in the house of a man she only saw for an hour five days a week.
He had been kind and that was what Bella loved most about him. He never once made her feel uncomfortable. Even when the storm had woken her and her age old fear caused her to panic. No matter how long she had been living in Forks, she never cared for the thunderstorms they would get. She never truly became accustomed to them like most of the residents. In addition to that fear, being in a strange house on a strange couch and waking up disoriented didn't help matters. Before Bella could stop herself, she was begging Mr. Black to allow her to join him until the storm ended, not wanting to be alone. She knew it was inappropriate and completely wrong but she couldn't help it, she was terrified and her anxiety was getting the best of her. After he tried to make a solid ethical argument, crashing thunder overhead sent her running straight into his arms. Instead of jerking away from her or insisting she get off the bed that instant, he settled back and held her closely, waiting for the storm to pass. When it finally did, even then he didn't make her leave.
From then on, Bella had no idea how the night would end. She truly hadn't planned it but when he was laying there, staring back at her and she saw his warm and tender gaze settling on her, Bella's mind turned off and she just had to kiss him, just once. She acted, fully knowing that at any time, he could pull away and yell at her, throw her out even. But she couldn't help herself and she had to take that chance. And oh boy, was she glad she did.
To find out that Mr. Black-Jake had been attracted to her and wanting her just as badly all of this time was a fantasy turned into reality. She had never been happier, even with their large misunderstanding in the beginning. And when he had put his mouth on her that second time a few days later and she had exploded...there was no going back. Edward was history after the conversation she had with Jake in the quad. It wasn't that she didn't love Edward, that she didn't care about him but Jake's harsh yet truthful words made her realize she needed to end it. Edward had been hurting her for a while now and causing her unnecessary pain. There was no way she should allow it to continue. Not if she had respect for herself. Love and concern weren't good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that clearly wasn't working.
She and Jake had both been scared at how quickly things were happening between them and how rapidly their feelings were changing. Bella had felt a jealous fury when she saw Lauren making a move on Jake and all that could resound in her mind was mine. Jake had come to her house after, admitting to her that he had just gotten out a serious relationship himself and this was all too fast and bordering on unhealthy. He had been right of course but that didn't stop what she was feeling, even when he pushed her away after she had done similar to him not that long before she broke it off with Edward despite the latter's incessant apologies and pleas for forgiveness.
When Bella overheard Lauren threatening to get Jake in trouble with a malicious lie because he had kicked her out of his class due to Bella's discomfort, she did something she normally wouldn't have done. She used her status as the Police Chief's daughter and went to talk to Principal Hale on his behalf. She wouldn't allow Lauren to ruin his career just because she hadn't gotten what she wanted. She knew that would make her even more of a target for the girl but she took the risk. Jake protected her and she would protect him, at all costs. When he had thanked her and asked her to be his girlfriend, she had been thrilled and immediately accepted, not caring about the rest of the world or of the difficulties they would face. When he said he loved her, her heart had stopped and then started up again, beating faster in her own feelings for him. She had been willing to give him right then what she had held back from Edward for almost two years. She was ready but Jake wasn't, and with good reason. Out of the two of them, he had been the only one thinking that night.
Bella knew she had messed up the minute the words came out of her mouth. What is wrong with you? She still winced at the biting words when she thought of them over and over in her head. How could she have said that to him? How stupid could she be? Here, he was trying to be considerate and make the smart but tough decision to stop before they went too far. And she had been the inconsiderate jerk who pushed and pushed and tried to elicit guilt from the unwilling party. Later, when she replayed the scene in her mind, the realization hit her like a freight train, causing just as much devastation. She had been Edward.
Yes, it had been frustrating to get worked up and then be forced to stop. She could empathize with Edward on that point now. But in no way, had her reaction been okay. She knew how it felt when Edward said the same things to her, how could she have said them to a man who had just professed to love her and was clearly showing that love by his respect for her and his own self-restraint? What is wrong with you? She winced again. What was wrong with her indeed?
She had tried to apologize, tried to take it back but there was no undoing her harsh words. She knew the moment she left that she might not see Jake again but she refused to allow that possibility to see the light of day in her mind. She still wouldn't admit it to herself when he didn't answer her pleading text messages. She hoped Jake would forgive her after some time and want to see her, where she would grovel and beg him to take her back, same as Edward had done to her countless times before except she would mean it. And she would never act that way or utter those disgusting words ever again, no matter if the pace Jake set for them was molasses or lightning. Either way, she would be ready. She wanted him, cared about him and was pretty sure she loved him back. It didn't feel the same as it did with Edward, that had been a slow building of that affection. No, this feeling was something else entirely, one she had never experienced before, and she was pretty sure she was done for. Jacob Black owned her. Heart, body and she was pretty sure her soul, too. He would forgive her; he just had to.
Bella's hopes were dashed when she was called into the office the next morning and was informed by the secretary that she had now had a sixth period study hall and would be joining Mr. Crowley's third period English class, swapping out her study hall from that period. Bella had been frozen in shock. Jake had dropped her from his class. Was he trying to remove that complication so they wouldn't have to worry about it like she had suggested? So they could be together? Why wouldn't he give her warning first, though? No matter his anger, she was fairly certain he would have given her the heads up. But then she remembered his refusal to sign her transfer form and his insistence on wanting to keep her in his class, close by.
She quickly pulled out her phone and glanced at it while the secretary made copies of Mr. Black's transfer request that Bella would have to have signed by Mr. Crowley the next day. She didn't see any new text messages or calls. She went back to the messages she had sent him the night before - no reply. Her instincts told her something was wrong, very wrong. Her stomach tried clawing its way up to her throat but she cleared it and focused on the middle-aged woman staring at her sternly, her deep set eyes shadowed by disappointment. "Mr. Crowley has a zero tolerance policy for cutting class, Bella. Consider yourself forewarned."
Bella gave a small nod and took the proffered paper. So, that was the excuse Jake used. "Thank you," she responded meekly and turned to leave. As much as she wanted to go ask him, she realized she should give him some space. If he really was still mad, then confronting him about this sudden new development and demanding an explanation wouldn't help matters. She strode through the halls, resolved to wait for Jake to contact her, to tell her why he had dropped her. She was confident he would before the day was over.
Unfortunately, no such message or call ever came. She decided that maybe he needed more time to cool down from their exchange the previous night. Bella had gone home and cleaned every inch of the kitchen, stopping every few minutes to look at her seemingly lifeless phone. She threw herself into making dinner since Charlie would be home soon and was proud of herself for not checking her phone once during the process. She hurried towards the living room to see if there were any missed calls or new text notifications. Even though she hadn't heard the telltale beeps or musical jingle, that didn't mean there wasn't anything waiting for her. Perhaps her phone was on the fritz. But as she stared down at the blank home screen, it was evident that there had been no malfunction, only in the words that had come out of her mouth the evening before. An ache started in her chest but she refused to let it grow. It was 6:53. Jake still had plenty of time to contact her. Charlie had arrived in that moment, thankfully providing a distraction when he announced that something smelled good and called out a greeting to her.
Bella continued to check her phone repeatedly, sometimes staring at it and willing it to ring. Nothing. It took her weeks to stop looking at the stupid thing, hoping to see some sort of message from him. She had seen him in the hallways a few times and she had glanced up, hoping he would at least make eye contact with her, but he never did. She had taken to the internet, searching his profile on Facebook for an answer. She had found it back in the beginnings of her attraction to him. She had only seen a profile picture and the automatic cover photo behind it. The cover photo was of First Beach and the profile photo was of him, smiling but looking away from the camera, obviously at someone that didn't make the avatar cut. She had tried to find out more information about him, to see if she could discover a picture of his then girlfriend, to look at his friends list in order to find her but his profile had been locked up tight. It made sense, with him being a teacher, even though she had been disappointed at the time. It appeared that not much had changed, except the profile picture. He was standing on the beach now, his arms wrapped around a beautiful Quileute woman as they stood side by side, smiling at the lens. Bella's eyes widened and she clicked on the picture. Jake had been tagged in it by a woman named Ray Judes. Bella bit her lip nervously, wondering if she should and then she clicked on the name. This profile was an overload of information compared to its predecessor. She glanced at the woman's information and only saw her current location being Seattle and that she was a student of U-Dub. When she clicked on the pictures tab, her heart fell into her stomach. The woman was stunningly beautiful and there were a few pictures of her with Jake. He looked happy in every single one of them and it was obvious the two were close. There were no captions and each time she tried to click on the comments to figure out who this girl was, they wouldn't display for her. Frustrated, she saw the same picture from before and went back to it. She scrolled down and saw four comments, two of them from Ray herself as replies. Bex JFin had posted a hearts eyes emoji followed by, 'Lookin' good, you two. Pop in for another weekend visit, Ray?' To which Ray replied, 'Haha, you know it', followed by a winking emoji. Bella's heart started to pound when she saw Jake's comment below. 'Getting tired of these flybys, maybe you should stay a little longer next time. Miss you. =P' Bella choked up, her eyes tearing as she read it. If that wasn't bad enough, Ray's reply killed her. 'Awww I miss you, too. Just admit it, you can't live without me. Lol love you!' Two heart emojis followed. Bella quickly signed out and shut down the Chromebook that Edward's family had gotten her for last Christmas. She broke down, crying so hard she was gasping for breath. So he was seeing someone. A someone that could very well be his ex-girlfriend or auditioning for the recently vacated role. It indeed appeared to Bella that Jake Black had dropped her not only from his class but from his life altogether. The pain of that had been almost more than she could bear and the realization nearly destroyed her.
She was so upset, so hurt and so angry at herself. She inevitably fell into a bit of a depression. She was quieter than usual, not wanting to talk to anyone, except to make a few obligatory replies to Charlie, Angela and Mike. She still worked at Newton's but Mike chose to give her more inventory work than customer service or cashiering due to her recent change in social skills. Angela tried asking what was wrong but Bella simply cried, not saying anything. And Angela being the great friend she was let her and was supportive without pushing her to talk about it. Charlie was terrified. He had tried everything from asking to demanding to threatening a grounding to bribing to begging for Bella to tell him what was wrong. She never did and that just worried him more. Especially, when she stopped eating at times. He had called Sue Clearwater and asked her to speak to Bella but even the kinder older woman who Bella had seen as a motherly figure the past couple of years couldn't get it out of her. Her mother, Renee, called often, speaking to her and Charlie, but Bella wouldn't divulge anything to the woman who was intent on being her friend more than her parent. Even Edward was worried, convinced this was the result of his hurtful behavior.
A few days after everything happened with Jake, Edward had appeared at her door, begging for her to talk to him. She opened the door and let him in, not even really being present for most of the conversation. She just knew she felt an ache in her chest that seemed intent on swallowing her whole. Edward had hugged her and held her hand as he talked. When he tried to kiss her, she had moved away, asking him to leave. He panicked and said he would do whatever she wanted him to except that. "The only thing I want is to be left alone. We're over, Edward. It's time you accepted it." As she said the last part, she broke down in tears. Edward, thinking she was upset over the end of their relationship, tried to comfort her. She let him hold her and cried herself out against him. By the time she was done, the shoulder of his button down shirt he had dressed up in for this talk was soaked. When he kissed her forehead, she flinched and pulled back at the familiar gesture. "I need you to just be my friend," she had whispered. His eyes saddened but he nodded. Since then, he had truly been there for her, meeting her at school, walking her to classes, holding her hand, lending her strength and support whenever she needed it and she slowly started to mend.
It was too slow for Charlie. He had just threatened to send her to Jacksonville to live with her mother, laying down the ultimatum gruffly as she worked on her homework at the coffee table while he watched a game on TV. He declared that if he didn't immediately start to see some rapid improvements or that she didn't tell him what was going on, Bella would be on the first flight out to her mother's the following day. Bella wasn't too keen on either one so she held him off by asking him to give her a few days. He begrudgingly agreed, making it clear that he didn't like it but would wait.
So, here she was, at a party on a Saturday night at the Cullens' house in chilly November, doing the last thing she wanted to be doing while avoiding Charlie. She could only wonder what Jake was up to. She didn't have the courage to search for Ray on her facebook phone app and find out.
Bella took a sip from her bottle, trying to swallow the amber liquid along with the lump that had formed in her throat. Jake...would she ever get over it? It's not like they had a real relationship to look back on. They hadn't had enough time to even get to know each other well enough to feel this amount of pain and misery that consumed her daily. Jake had seemed to move on easily enough, why couldn't she? It was with that question in her mind that she saw Edward slowly coming down the stairs, his eyes intent on her as he grabbed a drink.
He was next to her within moments. "Should you really be drinking tonight, Bella?" He murmured.
"Don't start with me, Edward," Bella replied, taking another sip. "With how things are going right now, I'm surprised this is only my first one."
He sighed and sat down next to her, leaning back and throwing his arm casually behind her on the couch. "I guess I can understand that." He took a sip out of the red cup he had in his other hand. "Are you at least enjoying yourself a little?" At Bella's sharp look and subsequent swallow of beer, Edward chuckled. "Maybe not my smartest question."
"Maybe," Bella muttered. At Edward's wince, she internally scolded herself for her thoughtlessness. "I'm sorry, Edward." She let out a sigh and settled in next to him, making sure not to lean in too close to give him the wrong message. "I'm not going to be any fun tonight."
Edward shrugged a shoulder. "I get it, Bella."
She attempted to give him a grateful smile and continued to nurse her beer.
Edward kept her company for the rest of the party. They talked as they drank, watching their fellow classmates moving around the room. Alice had come over once to say hello. Bella had been on her third beer by then, her head already feeling light and disconnected from her body. Her mind was foggy and she found smiles came to her face more easily; she didn't have to force them nearly as much. Edward was taking full advantage of her uninhibited better mood and was constantly eliciting laughs from her. Seeing Edward making a joke and Bella giggling in reaction which then had Edward chuckling in response, both looking happier than they had in a while, Alice simply smiled and left them both to fully enjoy each other's company a little longer without interruption.
Bella had never drunk so much in her life. But as she saw Edward's smile mirroring her own as they watched a wasted Jessica and semi-sober Mike making out on the other side of the room, practically doing it on the couch for all to see, she could understand the appeal of the alcohol. It had helped her to forget her pain and have some fun, if only for a short while.
"It looks like she's about to do him right there." Edward chuckled.
Bella sniggered. "I really hope not. I'll never get those images out of my head."
"And Alice will never get that out of my mom's couch."
Bella's expression twisted in disgust and she looked away from the gyrating Jessica. "Gross."
Edward laughed, shaking his head, and pulled her in closer to him. Bella had been having such a good time she hadn't noticed that he had somehow closed the distance she had enforced a few beers ago. "Yeah," he agreed. "At least Mike will finally get some, though, and leave you alone. He always had a thing for you, you know."
She rolled her eyes, making Edward laugh once more. "Ugh. Let's not talk about it."
Edward smiled down at her. "Okay, we won't talk about it."
Bella gave him a grateful smile of her own.
He continued staring down at her, an unreadable expression on his face. Bella soon began to feel uncomfortable and forced a chuckle, sitting up which made the arm around her drop. She wobbled a bit, the room was spinning slightly. "Whoa," she laughed.
Edward's arm encircled her again, this time in concern. "Are you alright, Bella?"
"Yeah. I just feel a little...dizzy."
He cupped her chin and moved her eyes to his. He looked her over and nodded once. "Do you want to lay down for a little bit?"
Bella shook her head, the movement forcing his hand away. "No, I'm okay. Thanks, though. I should get going. Thank you for tonight, Edward. It was...fun." She smiled meekly at him and went to get up.
He stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm. "Bella, you shouldn't be driving in your condition."
She patted his hand. "I'm not going to drive, Edward. I know better than that. I am the daughter of the police chief. No, I'm going to call a taxi."
Edward's brows furrowed. "Bella, you can't be serious. It will take forever for one to get here. Just stay here for the night."
Bella kept shaking her head and moving towards the end of the cushion she was on. "No, no. I have to get back. Charlie will be worried about me," she insisted in a slur.
"Bella..."
She reached up and patted his head. "I'll be okay, Edward. I promise. Now, I'm going home."
He let her go and unsteadily, she got to her feet. She wasn't on them very long before she started to go down, reaching out for air as she went. But she never reached the floor.
In one swoop, Edward had her in his arms and after quite the effort, Bella was able to lift her head to look up at him. His eyes were intent on her and concern was clearly etched into his expression. She gave him a wide smile. "Edward, you caught me. Thank you. "
His brows furrowed further.
"Now, if you could just put me down..."
Edward shook his head and started towards the stairs, ignoring everyone staring as he passed them. "You're staying here tonight, Bella. You said it yourself, Charlie already thinks you're out for the night and he's on shift. I can give you a ride home in the morning if you'd like."
"But I want to go home now," she complained. "Don't worry. The taxi will come."
A small smile formed on his face at her pouting as he climbed the steps to the second floor. Bella marveled that he never once lost his balance. How could the world be spinning for her and not for him? It seemed a little unfair to her. She supposed she should just be thankful that both of them didn't go tumbling down the staircase, causing an injury or people to laugh and point more than they already were. "Not tonight it won't. Just relax, Bella, and stay here. You can have my bed and I'll sleep in Mom and Dad's room, if it isn't taken already." He grimaced. "Just sleep it off here and go home in the morning."
"Fine," Bella let out in a reluctant groan, laying her head back once more, causing Edward to chuckle.
Edward did as he said and went to lay her down on his bed. He slipped the covers over her and was about to switch his bedside lamp off when Bella sat up. "Edward, thank you."
He smiled down at her. "Thank you for what, love?"
At his familiar endearment, the pain flared in her chest. Here was someone who cared about her, still loved her and had allowed her to stick him in the friend zone after she broke up with him. No matter his mistakes, he had done his best to try and make up for them. He had been there every day, every minute that she had been hurting.
Jake had proclaimed to love her, too, but somehow he was able to drop her like a burning frying pan and not think twice about it. He hadn't even told her, said goodbye to her, had the decency to break it off with her. Instead, he just added her to the nonexistent list and that was it. She may have deserved his wrath, his decision to end things between them before they ever really started, but she didn't deserve that.
"For taking care of me," she whispered. "For being there...for me."
Edward sat down on the bed and took her hand in his, swiping his thumb over her skin reassuringly. "Of course, love. I will always be there for you," he murmured, staring into her eyes. "I love you, Bella."
Bella studied him in return. Edward, on the other hand when compared to Jake, truly loved her. She could see it plain as day in his gaze and it was something he proved to her every day. He was even proving it right now by taking care of her, by being what she had needed this past month, a friend. So, when he gave her a warm smile, she genuinely returned it. And when he leaned in to kiss her a minute later, she tensed but didn't push him away. He kissed her gently, somehow sensing not to push for anything more, until she hesitantly returned his kisses. Before Bella knew it, they were making out and when he laid her down, whispering that he loved her before kissing her again, she didn't protest. Edward's love was in his embrace, his touches, his kisses - all of it. How could Bella deny it? With Jake, she had experienced that same love but it obviously hadn't been real, not like this. So when Edward Cullen started to undress her, asking her if she was sure she wanted him to continue, she bit her lip nervously for a minute and then nodded.
It had hurt, more than Bella expected. Not for long but still, it had been painful. Later, when she was wracked with guilt and regret, she realized it might have been due to her lack of arousal. She had thought she had been ready but she was wrong. She had allowed the pain she felt to consume her to the point it had affected her judgement. Not to mention that she had unwittingly taken advantage of Edward's feelings that he obviously still had for her and had no problem declaring to her during. Now, she would have to hurt him again. Unless, maybe she just needed some time to process everything...then she might be able to be what Edward wanted and not have to break his heart for the second time.
Edward was experienced, that much had been evident even if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes nearly a month ago, but the truth was, he wasn't Jake. As her ex pushed in and out of her, moaning into her ear and gasping out his love, she couldn't help but think of her other former boyfriend. Hurting, drunk and hating herself for everything she had done, including a huffing Edward above her, tears started to roll down the sides of her face. She stared up at the ceiling, missing Jake fiercely in that moment and nearly sobbed out his name when Edward whispered to her that he was close. She remembered all of the times Jake had touched her, had kissed her and this...this couldn't even compare. Jake had always checked in with her, had always made it about her. Edward loved her but clearly, he was caught up in the moment and intent on seeking out his pleasure. Jake had put her pleasure above his the times they had been intimate. Jake's dark eyes had always met hers, his hands firm but loving in their touches. She missed his hands on her, the same hands that sent her soaring above previously unknown heights in ecstasy and brought her back down to Earth with a few tender caresses to her cheek. God, how she missed the man, his voice, his smile, his laugh, his warmth, his scent...she missed him terribly. How could she have made such a grievous error in judgement? How could she have taken him and the love he had willingly showed her for granted? How could she have made him so angry that he had removed her from his life with one administrative form? How?
And how could he have done that to her? How could he have hurt her so badly? She almost hated him in that moment as much as she loved him. Almost.
Edward stiffened above her, his loudest groan yet sounding in her ear, when he pulled back, withdrawing from her. He quickly removed the condom and began jerking himself in earnest. A moment later, he stiffened again, letting out a moan, and one white stream erupted onto her bare stomach right below the bra she still wore. A few more drops followed and then he collapsed next to her, chuckling tiredly. Bella didn't move, though she yearned to clean herself of his essence which felt heavier every second it remained on her pale skin. Not to mention that she wanted to clean up period. From what she briefly saw, she had bled after Edward had slowly pushed his way inside the first time, breaking her.
Edward lazily turned towards her, a satisfied smile on his face that rapidly diminished when he saw her tear-stained face. "Love, did I hurt you?" He had asked worriedly.
Bella couldn't answer, only shake her head and then burst out into sobs. Edward had looked her over, scared at the possibility that he had been enjoying himself so much that he hadn't been as careful with her for her first time as he should have been. When Bella regained the ability to speak, she reassured him that she was fine, just tired and overwhelmed. Physically, she would recover quickly. Advil and a hot shower would help. Emotionally...that was another story.
Edward had kissed her, asking her to spend the night in his bed with him so he could watch over her and make sure she would be alright. In the end, Bella agreed to stay, if only to appease him. He had looked so happy in that one moment before she broke down crying and the worry set into his young face, that Bella could never tell him the truth: that it had been the worst eight minutes of her life.
In the morning, an honest talk (except about her amount of remorse for the previous night's events) had followed where Bella conceded to spend more time with him in the week that followed despite their still broken up status. She cared about Edward but she was no longer in love with him. Her heart belonged to someone else, that much was evident, even if the new owner wasn't aware or necessarily deserved it.
As expected, she was feeling fine not even twenty four hours after she had regrettably given her virginity to Edward Cullen. She made it very clear to him that it would be a while before she had sex again. He had nodded in understanding, stating he was just happy to be with her before pressing a kiss to her lips. She had also made him promise not to tell anyone. She had used Lauren Mallory and all of the cruelty she had forced Bella to endure as the main point in her case, but in reality, that was the least of her worries. She never wanted it to get back to Jake, for him to know of her mistake so he could shake his head at her and feel even more justified in his decision to eject her out of his life. She couldn't bear to see that knowing look in his eyes, the disgust on his handsome face plain as day. If he still somehow cared which Bella couldn't be sure that he did. Either way, he and Forks would never know what transpired between she and Edward the night of the Cullens' party, the weekend before Thanksgiving. They could make assumptions and they would, knowing the people of this small town, but no one would ever receive confirmation from either individual.
Bella was determined to bury that night in the past, moving forward with her life, and lay to rest all memories of Jacob Black and any residual feelings for him right along with it.
A/N: Hope this was okay. Thoughts?