I strutted down the hallway of Rosewood high, soaking in the wolf whistles and compliments thrown my way. I winked at a guy on the football team making his heart melt. This was my life now. Ever since Jason died, since I broke up with Mike, I had tried out for the cheerleading squad. I had slept with the majority of jocks at school. I was the perfect queen bee, and I hated it. It was terrible! I had to constantly act dumb, pretend I actually liked these fake girls. Getting thrown into the air constantly for sport was part of the reason I hated cheerleading, yet I participated in it.
"Kiki!" Lucy called me over. That was the worse part of it. Being called "Kiki" Apparently Niki was to mainstream, Nikita too long. I just wished I could spend long periods of time away from them. "Want to come to mine? We're going to make some cocktails, lounge around the pool. Hopefully Jake and his mates will come!" Lucy squealed. I mean she literally squealed. That's cheerleaders for you.
"Thanks sweetie, but I have somewhere to be." I sang back, hoping I sounded happy enough that she wouldn't ask questions. I didn't.
"You're not hanging out with that guy again? He's bad news Kiki." Lucy worriedly whispered, receiving nods from the three girls already in her car. I stifled a laugh. It was quite hilarious really, they had seen me talking to Caleb and they thought I was banging him as well. In reality I was just checking up on the girls...so I still cared. It didn't matter though, I hadn't talked to any of them in months. Or my brothers, they had blocked me out. It hurt more than anything.
"No, I'm more of a one night stand type of girl. New guy this time." I winked at the girls before walking away. Like I was meeting up with anyone, they were just so damn easy to fool.
"Hey Jason." I murmured warmly placing a bouquet of roses on his grave stone. It was stupid really. I had been visiting his grave religiously, talking to him. Reminiscing, telling him about the stupid stuff I had done. Like old times really, when he was alive."Do you remember that night a few years back when you were staying at mine over Easter? Ali got so angry that I hadn't invited her and totally gate crashed so we let her stay." I laughed tracing a pattern on his tomb stone.
Spencer stood a few feet behind Nikita, listening to her talking to Jason. It was the first time in weeks that Spencer had visited Jason's grave, and here was Nikita talking to him as if she was here all the time. Which couldn't be possible right? Wasn't she slutting it out round town, not being the broken person she saw before her.
"So when she was talking to Blake and Jesse we snuck out and hit the streets. She was fuming by the time we got back. That was the best night we had Jason. Just you and me. I think that was when I fell in love with you. Not in a romantic way of course...although there was that one night...We can reminisce about that later. We do have all the time in the world seeing you went and died. I miss you Jas. I need you here, with me. You were happy. I talked to you, what, a week before you died and you were happy. How is that fair?" Spencer took a step into the shadows sure that Nikita was going to see her. Was Nikita really here, talking to Jason? Spencer pinched herself, sure she was going to wake up. When nothing happened she focused once more on Nikita's words.
"So today was a great day. I mean Jesse actually spoke to me. I even got a laugh out of Blake, albeit he was laughing at me, not with me, but at least there was some contact. I know, I know. I need to suck it up and apologize. To Blake, Jesse, Noel, the girls...Mike. I can't though! No Caleb says they're all okay without me and I'm not going to get in their way of happiness. Look what happened to you! Nope it's for the best I broke up with Mike. I know what you're going to say. 'Not everyone leaves you. It was good when you were with Mike, you let him in, behind your walls.' Don't you see? That is the problem. I let my guard down with him. Told him stuff that I've only told your dead body, and that is so unfair on him. Me being with him is only going to hurt him. And if I hadn't broken up with him, he would have left me, walked out just like that. I can't have anyone else leaving me Jason. It hurts too much. It's better living life this way. My brothers are safe, my friends are safe. No one is going to get hurt now, because Lucy and Katie and all of them...I don't care about. You get me?" Nikita was now crying. Not sobbing or wailing or bawling. Simply crying. She looked like a mythical creature, with misty tears making smooth wet trails down her supple cheeks. Spencer instantly felt a wave of guilt rushing over her. They had looked down on her for so long, yet here she was. The same old Nikita, possibly a better person. She was grieving more than they were, yet they created an idea in their minds that she was the villain. How had she not seen it? How had her brothers not seen it?
"I am so so sorry." Spencer spoke to the girl who seemed dependent on the tomb stone. As if the slightest movement would send the world crumbling around her. Nikita whipped her head up instantly spotting Spencer. She wiped the tears off her face, stood up, put on her best fake girl act and took a step away from Spencer.
"Oh it's you," Nikita put a look of disgust on her face, "Well I'm going to leave, this is so lame. I mean...right. I could be getting off right now, ciao." She blew a kiss at Spencer and danced off, nearly tripping over her feet.
Shit! How could I not have noticed Spencer standing there. How long had she been listening anyway? Stupid me having to speak out loud to Jason. I should have known that one someone was going to hear me, it just happened to be Spencer hearing me pour my heart out to Jason. I'm screwed! She's going to go off and tell them all what I said and then they'll think I care. Fuck fuck fuck.
"Hey Blake," Spencer smiled at the tall figure who had clearly just got out of bed. "I hope I didn't wake you."
"Nope. Um Jesse's not home though." Blake yawned leaning lifelessly against the door.
"Oh I know. Um is Nikita here?" Spencer nervously asked, shivering in the cold air.
"Is she ever? You can't seriously want to see her Spence." Blake scoffed instantly making Spencer relax.
"Thank goodness. No I came to speak to you." Spencer pushed Blake inside the house, closing the door behind her.
"Um okay? Should I be worried?" Blake fell to the couch and Spencer sat opposite him.
"Yes. We need to talk about Nikita." Spencer replied, a tone of seriousness in her voice.
"What? About how she got fucking fingered under the desk at school. No thanks, she is disgusting." Blake rolled his eyes, shaking his head.
"What if she's not? Disgusting I mean. I was going to visit Jason last night and she was there. She was crying Blake." Spencer replied, hoping that she would get through to Blake. If she got him on her side, then everyone would soon follow. She had spoken to Caleb last night after hearing Niki mention his name and she had kept tabs on the four girls. Making sure they were all doing well, and Spencer knew that she had to make things right between them again. Nikita still cared. She was still her and Spencer felt terrible, but also elated, knowing that.
"So what? She visited her best friend's grave and cried? Wow she has one human emotion left in her! Should we give her a humanitarian award? You're the smart one Spencer. You above all people should know that there is no 'rescuing' her. We're dead to her, maybe she should be dead to us." Blake sighed believing every word he said. Spencer wanted to punch him in the face.
"But you're wrong! She has been keeping tabs on all of us, making sure we're okay. She still cares. What she was saying to Jason...she broke up with Mike so she wouldn't hurt him. She left us so we would be happy. She was hurt before Jason was murdered, and now he's gone? She's more broken than ever, she blames herself. Her way of mourning, her way of keeping us alive, is to push us away. We can't let her." Spencer had risen her voice, and she could see the emotions registering on Blake's face and knew she had gotten through to him. Now all they needed to do was convince everyone else.
Once Spencer was finished her little monologue I did three long, slow claps.
"I guess you know me huh? All of that is bullshit! I couldn't give two fucks about any of you. You don't know how happy I am without you bitches in my life." I spoke knowing that every word coming out of my mouth was a lie.
"Don't give me that crap Niki! I was there. I heard you, you can't pretend anymore. I don't want you to." Spencer retorted turning to face me. If Nikita ruined Blake's belief she was going to kill her, yes it would defeat the purpose of the matter but did it matter?
"Look me in the eye and tell me that what Spencer was saying is a lie." Blake spoke up in a quiet, soothing voice. There was something familiar in it and I wanted to run over to him, hug him. Tell him I loved him, but it was too late.
"What does it matter? You all hate me. I broke Mike's heart. Crushed it in my palm so easily. I hurt all of you. Like any of you are going to want me back." I laughed turning to walk out the door.
"Niki we all still care about you. We miss you, just come back to us." Spencer desperately called out and I choked back some tears.
"You're kidding me right? None of you want anything to do with me, you've all made it perfectly clear."
"Leave then. Go back to those cheerleader friends of yours. Go sleep with some more jocks. Or you could choose the alternative. Us. Just make up your mind." Blake begged, yelling at me and I jumped. I turned slightly, facing the mirror. I was wearing the school's cheerleading uniform and it really was awful. The smooth curves of my body had now been replaced with an athletic figure, not sexy. My once flat stomach now had abs, not a flattering look on a girl. My hair was done in a high pony which wasn't flattering and I immediately pulled it out.
"This. This isn't me, I hate it. I've wanted so badly to apologize to you guys, to let you all know that I want more than anything to go back to the way things were, but that's impossible. I can't do this anymore though. I choose you guys." I turned to the pair seeing the delighted look on Spencer's face, and the relieved one on Blake's. It made me laugh. Spencer ran over to me, giving me a huge hug which I willingly returned. Everything was going to be okay.
"What are you wearing sis? The old you wouldn't have been seen dead in that, or abs." Blake laughed as Spencer let go of me.
"Get me some food bitch!" I yelled at Blake pulling off my cheerleading uniform, left in black spankees and a neon sports bra. Spencer and I fell into each other, my head resting comfortably on her shoulder as we followed Blake into the kitchen. Everything was going to be alright...right?