An: And I'm back! It's been a bit harder to keep this going since school started back, but I have a super awesome beta who keeps me going. THANK YOU, TATI! You are truly awesome, and I really appreciate all your help with this. I've had this story mapped out for a while, and I really feel like this is the end of part one of CB's journey. The next chapter will mark the second part starting, and I'm really looking forward to going into that shift. All along I've really felt strongly about making this a hard fought love story. I wanted them both to earn it, as I always feel like that is the most rewarding thing to read. I also wanted to explore how Chuck and Blair have grown as people since their relationship started. Blair started out as a child, and through her relationship with Chuck, and their friends she's begun to find herself. Chuck was an "adult" but he was completely lost, didn't know real love or even caring, and was just drifting through life being selfish and uncaring. Blair has changed him just as much as he's changed her, and I feel like this chapter was built around all of these ideas – a culmination I guess. That said, I hope you enjoy. Expect another chapter by next Tuesday, but I'm going to try to get the next one out a bit earlier since I'm really excited to start it. Long note done.
Fake Empire
Chapter Nineteen.
Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Blair woke up in bed beside Serena to the buzzing of her phone. She groaned at the sun pouring in through the window and swiped her hand around the nightstand to find the offending noise. Eventually she pulled it up close to her so she could read it. It was from Marcus. He wanted to know if she wanted to grab brunch and hang out. Blair's immediate thought was no, and that made her frown. She liked Marcus. He wasn't the be all and end all of her world, but she enjoyed his company. In fact, when she wasn't obsessing about Chuck, Marcus actually seemed like a pretty good catch. It was this thought that spurred her into action. She and Chuck had to talk, really talk, and work this whole thing out. She'd been running scared for months, and that was doing her no good. She needed to know once and for all… Did he love her?
Blair got up from the bed and began gathering her things. Serena was still passed out, and that was a good thing. She'd spent most of the night pretending not to cry, and Blair hadn't had the heart to call her out on it. She hadn't asked Serena what happened with Nate, either. It wasn't that she thought Serena wouldn't tell her. It was that she knew Serena would. Blair wasn't ready to hear why a nice, simple guy like Nate couldn't love beautiful, goddess-like Serena. If they couldn't figure it out, how in the hell could Chuck and Blair? The thought was depressing, and Blair had spent most of her night forcing it out of her head. Now here she stood, sleepless, nauseous, and once again caught in the force of her feelings for Chuck.
She sent off a quick text to him, telling him she wanted to see him. She didn't expect an immediate response. It was early enough that Chuck was probably still sleeping. Still, five minutes later, she received a text.
'Palace with Nate.'
Blair sighed. She felt selfish, but she didn't want to deal with Nate and his melodrama. As much as she cared for Nate, she couldn't help but think that he was creating this mess all on his own. He'd known exactly who Serena was before getting mixed up with her. How could he now blame her for being exactly as advertised? Bile rose in Blair's throat. Maybe she was doing the same thing to Chuck.
"Blair?" A groggy-eyed Serena came out of her stupor as Blair was sliding on her shoes. "Where are you going?"
Blair opened her mouth to tell a perfectly reasonable lie, but nothing came out. She didn't have the energy to lie to Serena that morning. "I need to see Chuck," she said simply. Serena surprised her when she silently nodded, and mumbled a soft 'call me' before drifting back to sleep.
Blair paused in her best friend's doorway and reconsidered her entire expedition. Was she really ready to ask him? Carter had once accused her of being cowardly. He'd said she didn't want the answer, and she hated him because he'd been right. She was still terrified of the answer, but this living in between was slowly killing her. It almost felt like she was right back where she started, watching life pass her by, barely participating. She'd already jumped off so many ledges to get her life to where it currently was. This would be the highest, the hardest… She had to know.
Blair arrived at the Palace in record time, and headed right to the bar. Chuck and Nate were sitting there eating omelets and drinking mimosas. Blair took a moment to enjoy the sight. She couldn't believe it had almost been a year since she'd first met them both. She'd felt so young and inexperienced back then. She felt the same way now, but there was also a weariness that had seeped in. She no longer believed in happily ever after. All you had was now, and you better use it to your advantage. Chuck had taught her that. Maybe they'd learned it together.
"Good morning," she greeted them with a pasted-on smile and slid into the small space left between them. She wanted to extract Chuck as quickly as possible so they could get their much needed, much feared, conversation underway. Nate was not a part of that equation, but he looked pretty beat up so she couldn't just tell him to leave.
"Hey, Blair." Nate half smiled, half grimaced at her appearance. He glanced behind her, a tense expression all over his face. When he realized Serena wasn't in tow, he relaxed again.
Chuck eyed Blair speculatively. He knew her well enough to sense that something was off. She both hated and loved that familiarity. She glanced at him furtively and tried to put him at ease. He wasn't buying it, though. He ordered a glass of something stronger, and Blair's nerves skyrocketed. She wanted to abort this mission, but something held her in place. She couldn't be that girl, the one who ran away from the hard stuff. That was weak, and she hated nothing more than weakness.
Ten minutes later, Chuck was still guzzling back his liquor, and Nate was dawdling with his food. Blair had done her best to keep up with the small talk, but she'd hit her limit. She needed to get this over with now. If Chuck was going to crush her, she wanted to be done with it so she could move on.
Move on…
"Chuck." She turned to him abruptly. "I need to…" She wasn't sure what she needed to do, but thankfully, he didn't need her to finish her thought. He said a quick goodbye to Nate, and then grabbed Blair's hand to pull her away.
She followed after him blindly, and for a moment, she let herself believe everything would be fine. She'd lay it all out for him, and he'd laugh and say of course he loved her. How could he not love her. Blair would cry. Only a little bit, because that's how it happened in the really romantic movies, and then they'd make love, talk about the future, and drown in pure bliss. The picture she was painting in her head was so rosy that it nearly made her nauseous. No matter what went down, good or bad, it wouldn't be like that. Chuck never did as planned. She wouldn't have loved him if he did.
He pulled her over to the elevator, and she finally came back to her senses. She tugged her hand away from him and shook her head. "I can't deal with your parents today."
"They're not around. Don't worry." He grabbed her hand again, even though it was unnecessary, and pulled her into the elevator with him. He continued to hold it all the way up, and as he pulled her through the penthouse, and out onto the balcony. Once they were out there, he reluctantly released her, and she felt the distance rush in immediately.
One minute turned into two and then ten, and it just kept going. Desolation flooded her, and Blair felt real tears welling behind her eyes. He was standing at the railing, looking out over their city with his back to her. She wanted to reach out to him, to say something, to say anything, but it all got caught in her throat. Everything she wanted to say felt inadequate, and the stuff that wasn't was too scary.
He broke the silence first.
"What's going on, Blair?" He still didn't turn to look at her. There was a vulnerability in his voice that she rarely heard, and it shocked her. She always forgot that there was a man behind the myth she'd created in her heart.
"I want to talk to you," she finally managed to get out. She stood up from the chair and joined him at the rail. She left a space between them, and she wasn't sure why. She wanted to be close. She wanted to grab his hand, touch his face. She wanted to beg him not to disappoint her, not to break this. She did none of that. It was sink or swim time.
"Talk," he returned brusquely and turned his head to the side so she could barely see his face at all. In some ways that made it easier, and in others so much harder.
She sucked in a deep breath, steadied her shaking hands and prayed for some kind of courage. None came, but she pushed on anyway. "I can't keep going in circles with you. I've tried to…" She stopped at the first catch in her voice and turned her face away. There were so many walls between them that she worried they'd never be able to bring them down. She was trying her damndest, but it wasn't easy. Not even close.
He finally turned towards her. His defenses were back in place, his expression placid. He reached out for her and turned her until they were face to face. She almost shrugged him off, but something stopped her. She had to do this. Whatever the consequences, she had to know.
"I don't think being friends is really working out for us." She almost smiled. It was such an obvious statement. Something cracked through his veneer, maybe a smirk, maybe even a grin. It was gone too fast for her to really see it. It bolstered her confidence, though. "At least not for me…"
He nodded. "You know how I feel about the subject."
She laughed without meaning to, and he frowned in return. "I never know what you feel about anything, Chuck," she told him honestly, and it hurt to admit it. She liked to think she was so strong, so confidant and all knowing. In truth, she was still somewhere between child and woman. She'd never quite figured out on which side she belonged, and he just confused matters all the more.
"That's not true." He moved in closer to her and dropped his hands onto her shoulders. He was holding her away from him, but also pulling her in. It was so like him that she laughed again. She felt somewhere between hysteria and sanity. "I want you," he whispered as he slowly leaned towards her.
His lips slid across her own, just a quick taste. She was unsatisfied, closing the final distance between them. She grabbed for his shirt and bunched it up in her hands as she held herself close. His mouth fit perfectly over hers, and his kisses felt like a drug. Every new caress buried her further and further until she was mindless with want for him. It was beyond physical, though. Her desperation was for his love, and the second she realized that, she ripped herself away from him.
He stood back from her as she swiped harshly at her mouth. It felt raw and tender from his kisses. He ran a hand through his messy hair, and when she met his eyes again she saw pure yearning. She couldn't believe she'd ever doubted that he wanted her. His desire was as plain in his eyes as she knew hers was.
"What do you want?" He practically yelled in frustration. She was taken aback by anything so heated coming from Chuck. He did cool detachment. He hurt you with his words. He never let you see him sweat. He was at the end of his rope, though, and that comforted her because she'd hit hers long ago.
"You know what I want from you," she yelled back. Her voice broke, and new tears formed behind her eyes. She ignored it all. She couldn't worry about how she looked, or what he thought. If she did, she'd coward out again, and that was unacceptable. He either loved her or he didn't. There was no in between. She moved towards him so she was right in his face again. He tried to turn his face, but she reached up and guided him back. "You have always known." She looked directly into his eyes. This time he had to hear her.
He shook his head, but said nothing.
She released his face and stumbled back from him. Tears were blurring her vision, and all her courage vanished. It was time to run. He wasn't going to say it. He couldn't. She realized too late, and now she had to salvage whatever pride she had left. She turned to grab for the door, but he was behind her before she could. He wrapped his arms around her from behind, and held her tightly against his body. His face sunk down into her neck, and she could feel him murmuring something against her skin, but she couldn't make it out.
"Don't go." It was a desperate plea.
She wiped at her eyes and calmed herself back down. He continued to hold her against him, until she shook in his arms, and he finally released her. He stayed guard, though; ready to stop her if she tried to leave again. She wasn't sure why he wasn't taking the easy out. Maybe he understood far more than she gave him credit for. Maybe he knew this would be the end.
"It hurts me. You hurt me. I don't like it." Everything she said came out short and choppy, and none of it felt like enough. None of it could express exactly what she needed to say to him. I love you. That was what it boiled down to, but she was too frightened to hand that over to him.
"Why can't we just…" He lost his thought midway through, and growled in frustration. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it up quickly. He puffed on it, and she watched as his fingers shook in agitation. "You make things so fucking hard. I don't even know what to say to you." He was looking between her and his cigarette. His eyes finally settled on the cigarette because he couldn't look at her.
"Perfect." She couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice. It always came down to this between them. They could get halfway there, but when it came to really saying something, doing something, they both ran. She blamed herself as much as she blamed him. "I don't know why I waste my time on you," she told him spitefully, but she didn't move to leave again.
He shrugged belligerently. "I don't, either."
"Why do you bother with me?" She asked, coming closer again. He glanced at her for a second before turning away again. She hated that he couldn't even face her. "Am I just a game to you, Chuck? Something to amuse you? To pass the time?" She shoved him in the chest as hard as she could, and he stumbled back a few steps.
He finally turned to her, shock written all over his face. "That's bullshit. You're not a game. And trust me, you're not very amusing right now, either." He'd meant it to be spiteful, but it lacked any heat. They were both off of their game. "Just go if you want to go. I can't deal with you when you get like this." He pulled out another cigarette, and lit it.
Blair rolled her eyes. "No." She shook her head and steeled herself. She wrapped her arms around her sides and tugged at her sweater like it was a shield. "You can't deal with anything when it's real. You run or you lash out at me or you just totally shut down, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of spending all of my time worrying about you, and what you think, and what you feel and-" Her emotions finally got the better of her as a sob rippled in her chest. She backed away from him and slid onto the chair.
He continued to smoke his cigarette silently. She continued to wait.
A little while later, he finished his fourth or fifth cigarette and finally came over to her. He slid onto the chair beside her, and though their bodies were touching, she'd never felt further away from him. His armor was fully in place, and he wasn't going to give her an inch. She could see it in the tension in his body, in the expression on his face. He'd locked himself away from her, and that was that. She'd pushed too hard, said too much…
"You're a coward," she whispered under her breath, as she wiped at her still falling tears. They weren't a big messy production, just silent and damning all the same.
"Stop," he begged. There was a wealth of emotion behind that word, and she heard it all. She understood him in ways he didn't understand, in ways she didn't even really understand. She knew that everything that went down with his parents; that all the years he'd felt unloved and unwanted had wrecked him. She knew he'd convinced himself that he lacked a heart like everyone always said, but she also knew he was wrong. He had a heart. It was guarded and closed off, and maybe a little tarred around the edges, but it beat.
"I deserve more… I just do." Her words were quiet. It was the crux of their problem. As much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to fix him, she wasn't yet whole herself. She had so many insecurities, so many fears, that everything with him just played into them even more. "Marcus likes me. He finds me funny and interesting and beautiful and… I like that. I need that." She wasn't trying to be spiteful, but she wasn't going easy on him, either. She needed him to hear her.
He stayed still beside her. "I don't want to hear about him." There was a warning in his voice. She'd breached his indifference, something she rarely ever accomplished. What lay beyond that she wasn't sure, but she knew she had to deal with it.
"Well, you have to. You have to hear me. You have to actually listen to me for once and get it. I am not going to sit around here waiting for you, Chuck. I'm not going to do it. I've done it for the past year. I've been your friend, and I've been more, and I just… I want you to…" She cried out in frustration then because she still couldn't say it.
"You think he's going to give you what you want? He can't. He doesn't know you. He doesn't understand you. Me and you, we're alike. We always have been. This connection between us isn't just going to go away because you want it to. It doesn't work like that." He threw it right back at her. He was on his side facing her, and she turned so she was looking right at him. It was like watching a train wreck, neither could turn away but both knew that they should.
"I want to be loved." Her words were barely even a whisper. They were sad and soft, and they were torn from deep inside of her. She expected him to reel back from her like he always did. She expected him to scoff and throw them back in her face. He did neither. He just continued to stare at her, that same desperate yearning being mirrored back and forth between them.
"I don't know what to say to that," he admitted. He still didn't look away, but she could feel him pulling back.
She couldn't let him. "Yes, you do. You know what I'm asking you." He closed his eyes, but she pushed on. "You're right. I don't want Marcus. He doesn't know me, and I don't even want him to. I want you to know me. I want you to love me." She was full on messy crying at that point, and she was beyond caring. If she was going to hand him her pride, she might as well do it in a spectacular fashion. "And I deserve it, damnit."
He nodded and moved in closer to her. He buried his face in her neck again and wrapped his arm around her, holding her as close as possible. She felt something damp against her neck, and when she pulled his face up to meet hers, his lashes were a little wet. It amazed her to see him this upset, but it also scared the hell out of her. Happiness didn't look like this.
"You do," he agreed. "I can't, though…" He shook his head and rolled over onto his back. He lay there staring up at the sky, saying nothing, and she greeted him with silence in return. Her mind was working a mile a minute. The fastest escape, the least embarrassing way to handle this, the quickest way to get him drunk so he'd forget. Unfortunately, she knew she'd never forget.
"Okay, then." Her voice didn't even sound like herself. It was hollow. A new stillness came over her then. All the pain she'd let in a moment before washed away again. She forced it out with steel she didn't know she had. He didn't love her. She knew that now. She'd accept it. She'd move on. She'd stop loving him. The future stretched out before her, and she planned it with a methodical coolness she didn't know she was capable of.
"Blair…" His voice was still haunted with emotion, but she ignored him. "Blair, please." He reached for her face like she'd done to him before and forced her to look at him. She barely recognized what stared back at her. "I want to…" He was nearly frantic at that point, but she didn't react. "I would just fuck it up. I'd destroy you. I can't-"
Blair reached out, and pressed her fingers against his lips to silence him. She understood. She got it in ways she really wished she didn't. He could never trust anyone enough to give them that power over him. He'd loved his parents, and they'd wrecked him. They'd showed him every kind of pain imaginable, and he'd closed himself off. Blair knew there had been flashes of love between them whether he understood that or not. He'd loved her. He did love her. It meant nothing, though, because he'd never let it grow. He'd shut her down every time she got too close. Her heart couldn't take it anymore.
"I understand." She leaned her forehead down against his, and a moment of peace passed between them. He grappled to keep her close, but she held herself at a distance. She pulled back and pressed a tender kiss against his forehead, and then another against his cheek, and then finally one against his lips. He reached for her again, but she was up and away from him before he could hold her in place.
"Don't…" He shook his head.
Blair sent him a watery smile. Everything felt so easy then with the numbness consuming her. She knew what she had to do. "You're off the hook, Chuck."
"No-" He started to protest, but then stopped himself. He didn't know what he was fighting for, and neither did she. It had all been said.
"I do love you." She gave this to him because she knew he needed it, and because she knew after today she'd never be able to again. "I think I fell in love with you piece by piece, you know? Like one moment to the next, the good or the bad… I couldn't help myself. And I wanted you to know that, because I know that you don't think someone possibly could. But I do. I do." She lifted her hand out towards him, and he captured it within his own, bringing it to his lips where he pressed a soft kiss against it. "They're wrong about you, Chuck. But more importantly, you're wrong about you. You're worthy of love. You deserve it. You really do." She pulled her hand back from him and moved towards the door. Her feet faltered, but she didn't stop as she stepped through and headed towards the elevator.
He came up behind her before she could call it, but he didn't touch her. She didn't turn around, either. There was nothing left unsaid for her, but she knew he wanted something more. Chuck could never figure out his own heart. That was his curse, and for a long time she'd let that be hers, as well. She couldn't live like that anymore.
"You're just going to walk away?" There was no anger in his voice, just a kind of pleading she'd never heard before. It was beyond desperate, beyond sad… Blair ached for him as he spoke. "You said you loved me." The way he said it made it clear that he still couldn't quite believe it. Blair feared he'd never fully let himself believe it.
Blair turned back to him slowly. The moment stretched between them as she forced herself to look into his eyes. There was such bleakness there that all she wanted to do was reach for him and hold him in her arms. She wanted to save him, but she knew now she couldn't. He wouldn't let her. He wasn't ready for it. Timing… Timing always sucked the life out of them.
"You won't let me love you. I've tried so hard, but you really don't want it… And I just… I can't wait for you forever." It hurt to admit that. It felt like defeat, and she hated that. She was supposed to be so strong, so sure, but in the end she really wasn't. She wasn't ready to hold the both of them up. She wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for that.
She expected him to fight her. He didn't. That was the death knell. Too much truth for him to argue against, and he simply nodded. He reached around her to call for the elevator, and they both stood there for the next few minutes waiting. He briefly reached for her hand and slid his fingers through hers. She squeezed back. The doors opened, and she was the first one to pull away. She stepped on, and their eyes lingered on each other as the doors closed in front of them. She whispered a soft 'goodbye', and then he was gone.
Blair didn't go home. She didn't call Marcus. She wasn't ready for that. She headed straight for Serena's, and she found her in exactly the same place she'd left her. Blair climbed into bed beside her best friend, and she spent the next few hours quietly crying. Serena had to have heard her, but all she did was rub Blair's back and occasionally murmur a comforting word. Blair felt broken and bruised, and more than that, she felt so damn sad. If he'd told her he didn't love her she would have been angry. She would have felt used. She would have been able to get over him. The fact that he truly believed he was incapable, that he was that broken and screwed up – the fact that she couldn't fix him… It crushed her.
Sometime later, Serena turned over in the bed and faced Blair directly. Both of their eyes were red and puffy from the crying. It made Blair laugh, and Serena immediately joined in. No one would have believed that Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen were such emotional wrecks. It would have been hilarious if it wasn't so damn heartbreaking for them both.
"I thought I could fix it all with an apology, and a promise, and a smile…" Serena's words barely made any sense, but Blair just nodded. She knew Serena had to get this out. "I always expected him to be there. He's always been there." Serena smiled to herself, but it quickly faded back into silent tears. "I fucked it up." She laughed, but it was empty.
"I told Chuck I loved him." Blair thought it would hurt to say it out loud, but it didn't. It didn't feel like anything anymore. "He said he couldn't love me back."
Serena nodded, but said nothing. No I told you so. No I hate that Basstard. Nothing. Blair loved her for that – for understanding.
"I think I always knew he felt that way, and I just… I didn't want to see it," Blair admitted for the first time.
Serena reached out,and clutched Blair's hand in her own. "You fall in love, and you think it's a fairytale. You think it's forever, and it can handle anything, but… Love's not like that in our world. It's hard and messy and breaks your heart."
"I don't want to love him anymore." Blair began crying again because she couldn't hold it in anymore. Serena moved in closer, and hugged her tight.
"Then don't," she whispered.
Blair prayed it was that easy.
Blair arrived home later that afternoon and was surprised when Dorota told her that her father wanted to see her in his study. Her father was rarely involved in her life. It was always one business trip after the next, and Blair hated the distance that had grown between them. The problem was she wasn't exactly able to be honest with him about the biggest issue in her life – Chuck. That left very little for them to talk about.
"Hi, daddy," she greeted him from the doorway. He looked up from his desk and smiled at her in return. He was tense, though, and she knew that whatever he wanted to speak to her about wouldn't be good.
"Come on in." He motioned for her to shut the door, and she did so. She took her seat in front of him, and he slid a white envelope across the table. There was nothing written on the front.
"What is it?" Blair didn't want to touch it. Something warned her she wouldn't like it.
"I ran into Chuck today. I had to bring Bart some papers, and – Well," Harold sighed, "he asked me to give you this. I was tempted to read it myself, but I refrained." Blair nodded, but still didn't touch it. She didn't want it. "Blair-bear… he looked rather upset."
"Oh?" She tried to play it cool. She couldn't imagine discussing Chuck with her father.
Harold nodded. He was wearing his concerned father face, and Blair realized she wouldn't be getting out of this. "We haven't really talked a lot lately, Blair. How is everything? I didn't even realize you and Chuck were that close."
Blair did her best not to scoff. Harold wasn't blind. He'd realized, he just hadn't known what to do with it. Her father enjoyed life best when he was sticking his head in the sand. She loved him anyway, but she wasn't blind to his faults.
"We're friends." Blair wasn't giving him an inch. Earlier was still too fresh on her mind, and that letter felt like it was burning a hole on the desk. She wanted to shred it. She wanted to forget it even existed.
"Chuck isn't the kind of boy you're friends with." Harold finally got to the point.
Blair cringed. "He's my friend," she repeated a bit desperately. Somehow she knew that after that morning that might not even be true. She wasn't even sure she wanted it to be true if she was honest with herself, but she couldn't explain any of that to her father. "Daddy, I don't-"
He stopped her. "I try to stay out of your personal business, but I'm your father and I can't just ignore this. Chuck Bass is a dangerous influence on your life. I understand that you think he's your friend, but you're young, and you don't understand-"
Blair stood up then, and grabbed her letter. She stuffed it into her pocket and faced off against her father. She wasn't sure where all of her anger was coming from, but he was going to get the brunt of it. "I understand perfectly. Chuck is my friend. I don't choose your friends for you, daddy. And you can't choose mine for me."
Harold stared back at her shocked. They'd barely even gotten into minor tiffs in the past. "I see."
Blair nodded.
"Alright…" Harold's expression evened out, and he smiled. "I'll see you at dinner?"
"Yes."
"Alright." He looked back down to his papers, and Blair exited as quickly as possible.
She rushed up the stairs and into her bedroom, locking the door behind her. She climbed onto her bed and lay there for a few minutes before getting the courage to pull the envelope from her pocket. She stared down at the thing like it was a ticking time bomb, and even considered just throwing it away. Her curiosity got the best of her, though. Very carefully, she broke the seal and pulled out the note tucked away inside. Immediately, she recognized his writing. It brought back painful memories from Greece, and another note, and she wanted to rip this one up without reading. Once again, she stopped herself.
She was done being a coward.
She unfolded it all the way and stared at it blankly. She didn't let her eyes fully take in any sentence. She glanced across a few words, and when none stuck her as offensive or painful she steeled herself to actually read.
B,
I know you hate when I leave you notes, but I wasn't sure I could say any of this to you if I was looking at you. Sometimes it's so hard to look at you, especially lately. Today when you asked me if I loved you, all I wanted to do was say yes, because if I could love anyone it would be you. I felt it the moment I met you. It felt so real. Maybe the realest thing in my life. I don't know. The truth is I don't know how to love you. Sometimes I think I can, but I always end up hurting you instead. I want you to be happy, Blair, and I can't be the person who gives you that. I wish I were. Maybe someday I can be, or maybe you'll tell me to go fuck myself, and I guess I'll deserve that as well. You told me you couldn't wait forever, and that's fair. I don't expect you to. I'm not asking you to. Right now whatever is going on between us is just getting more and more fucked up. I don't want to keep doing that. So, I'm gonna head off with Carter and Nate for a while… try to figure stuff out, give you time to do the same. I don't want this to be goodbye, so I'm not saying it. I'd say I'll call, but I'm not sure you want me to, and maybe for the first time in my life I'm trying to do something for someone else. You know how to reach me.
C. B
Blair stared down at the note for the next hour and a half until Eleanor called her down for dinner. She mumbled her way through that and then returned to her room to stare at his letter once again. He'd said it wasn't goodbye, but the ache in Blair's heart told her it was.