The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.21)
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.
Claire: Previously on Heroes…
Matt: We got our free tickets to Disney World. Thanks Hollywood Squares!
Niki: Matt! You threw away all my clothes. Now what are we going to do?
Matt (dressed as Captain Hook), Niki (dressed as Ariel), and Mohinder (dressed as Snow White) are working at Disney World so they can at least pay for food.
Niki (to Matt): What's wrong with you?
Matt: Ando just punched me!
Ando punches Captain Hook (Matt) and runs for it.
Hiro is confronted by his younger self.
Daphne and Niki are thrown in Disney Jail for assault. Hiro runs up.
Hiro: I've lost the younger version of me.
Max and Lilith, the mysterious couple, show up. Max thanks his son 'Young Hiro', who was able to trap them.
Niki: Weak!
Max: I'm looking for Matt Parkman, he took everything from me.
Niki: Take him, please!
Max releases a noxious gas upon the heroes.
Micah signs the contract, letting Disney buy out The Company.
Noah (to Elle): Listen, keep Sandra busy. I have to look over these things.
Elle (to Sandra): We're going on a girl's night out….but first we need dates.
Sylar is in the middle of nowhere with Maya.
Maya: You killed my brother!
Sylar: Stop saying that!
A creepy family pulls up.
The Dad: Can we give you guys a ride.
Later, at The House.
The Children: You're not going anywhere.
Sylar: Holy crap!
The family moves in on Sylar.
Claire, finally getting a scene, is stopped by Lyle.
Lyle: Someone was murdered.
They find a guy in a Goofy costume dead in a hotel room, another man in a Goofy costume escapes out the window.
Lyle: Looks like we have a mystery on our hands!
Claire: Let's call Grissom! He'll know what to do….
Lyle: He's not on that show anymore.
Claire: I don't care.
Sylar
Tied up in the basement
When Jigsaw asks you if you'd like to play a game, always say 'no', because it never ends up good.
Sylar wakes up; he realizes that he is bound to the wall. Next to him reads:
Chapter Twenty One 'Gabriel Gray's Anatomy'
Sylar: Uh…
The family is sitting on the couch in front of him.
The Dad: You have woken up, that is good.
Sylar: Okay, the creepy family thing…I don't want to know what your problem is, but you better let me go!
The Daughter: We cannot do that.
Sylar: Listen, there are people out there that I know…they'll realize that I'm gone….and they'll…..well, hopefully they'll look for me.
Maya walks in.
Sylar: Maya! You have to untie me! These people are nuts.
Maya: I'll never help you….you killed my brother!
Sylar (pissed): I DID NOT KILL YOUR BROTHER, YOU MORON! He's at the hospital, waiting on a new liver! We have to get it to him, how do you keep forgetting this!
Maya: You're….you're right…..
Sylar: So….how about you make with the…..you know….killing goop?
Maya: I can't, I'm not stressed out.
Sylar sighs.
Sylar: I killed your brother.
Maya: YOU WHAT! AHHH!
Goop starts running down her eyes, as does the eyes of the creepy family.
Sylar (gooped): Okay, untie me now!
Maya: I can't! I'm too upset!
Sylar: Unbelievable.
Later, Sylar and Maya run out of the house.
Sylar: I got their car keys, run! Run!
They run to the family car and hop in. Sylar peels out of the driveway and speeds off towards the hospital.
= = =HEROES= = =Niki, Hiro, Ando and Daphne
Disney Jail
Luckily Niki is here to recap what happened last time…
Niki: Previously on Heroes…we're all about to die!
Hiro: Niki, I think you are overreacting.
The noxious gas continues to fill up the room.
Niki: Can't you do something? Anything?
Hiro: Okay, I'll try this again.
Hiro squints…nothing happens. Niki, Ando and Daphne look away.
Hiro: What happened? Did we….
Hiro realizes he's not wearing any clothes.
Hiro: AHHHHHHH! It's just like in my nightmare!
Niki: Ours too!
Daphne: Wouldn't you be in front of your school or something in this situation?
Hiro: No, it was just like this! Pretty weird, huh?
Niki: Groan.
Hiro: ….
Niki: ….
Hiro: ….
Niki: …Uh…you plan on getting those clothes back any time soon?
Hiro: OH! Sorry….
Peter, Elle, Nathan and Sandra
In line for the Pirates of The Caribbean ride.
Come for the pillaging, stay for the scurvy.
Nathan: Ugh, how long is the line to this ride?
Peter: Oh, come on bro! It's only been…3 hours? Yeah, that is a long time.
Elle: Would you two stop whining? You're totally ruining our dates.
Sandra: Ooh! I want that one!
Nathan: What are you talking about?
Sandra: I would love that adorable pirate hat for Muggles.
Nathan: Well, that's the gift shop, we'll have to wait until….wait….what line are we in?
Man in front of Nathan: This is the line to The Gift Shop. The Pirates ride is over there.
Nathan: CRAAAAAP!
3 Hours Later…
Nathan: My legs feel like peanut butter….
The gang loads up onto the boat. It enters the ride.
Elle: OOH! Look! It's Jack Sparrow. You know, for them basing the movie off of this ride it's so weird that they happened to model Jack after Johnny Depp. Isn't that so weird?
Nathan rolls his eyes.
The boat starts shaking.
Peter: What was that?
Elle: Oh, I hope the boat doesn't capsize. I'd hate to drown in this water.
Nathan: It's only like…3 feet deep, Elle. I wouldn't worry about it.
Elle looks over the edge of the boat; a skeleton floats up to the surface.
Elle: EEK!
Sylar and Maya arrive at the hospital.
Sylar: Finally!
They get out and walk in.
Sylar: Hello, I'm here to pick up a liver.
Clerk: Name?
Sylar: Herrera. (To Maya) It's Herrera, right?
She nods.
Clerk: Okay, here you go…hmm….that's strange…I could have sworn it was right here.
Sylar: On your desk!
Clerk: I'll go see where it went.
She leaves.
Sylar: Very odd….
She runs back, panicked.
Sylar: That can't be good.
Clerk: Your liver was accidentally installed in another patient!
Sylar: Installed?
Clerk: We have to get it out, but the only doctor here just passed out from low blood sugar!
Sylar: WHAT?
Clerk: If you want your kidney…
Sylar: Liver.
Clerk: Pancreas. If you want it back….(she hands him a scalpel)…you'll have to get it yourself.
Sylar: Well, that's a little unprofessional, don't you think!
Maya: Please, Gabriel! You must save my brother…or else you'll kill him!
Sylar: Well, DUH!
Claire and Lyle
The murder scene
They're going to be doing hard time for this…
Claire: HEY! We didn't do anything!
Lyle: What about the killer?
Claire: You're right! Let's go chase after him instead of notifying the proper authorities.
They take off. Later, outside….
Claire: Hmm…These bloody footprints look suspicious.
Lyle: Indeed.
Lyle puffs on his corncob pipe.
Lyle: Elementary.
Claire: Where did you get that? I want one of those…
Lyle: Oh, Claire…you're much too young to smoke.
Claire: I'm two years older than you!
They see Goofy running off in the distance.
Lyle: There goes to culprit!
Claire: You sure? Like I said before, there are a lot of Goofy's running around.
A scream is heard.
Lyle: What do you think about that, Nancy Drew?
Claire: Oh shut up.
Hiro, Niki, Daphne and Ando walk back into the park, finally escaping the Disney Prison.
Niki: Yes, finally!
Hiro: We have to find that strange man. For some reason he wants Matt Parkman.
Niki: That alone baffles me.
Daphne: Forget that! We need to worry more about the disaster!
Niki: Disaster?
Daphne: The fourth disaster! It's going to take place here. It was foretold in those pictures Peter painted.
Hiro: What are you talking about?
Daphne: Seriously! Zombie invasion, Tidal Wave, Meteor? Did you all forget about this?
Hiro: I seriously have no idea what she's talking about.
Niki and Ando shrug.
Daphne: No worries, I know of a place where we can plan our strategy to stop the incoming terror.
Announcer: Meanwhile…at The Hall Of Justice!
Daphne: Okay, we'll plan our course…here!
Wonder Woman: DO YOU MIND?
Daphne: Geez…sorry…..tch…Super Heroes…(eye roll)
Announcer: Meanwhile…At Applebee's!
Niki: Ugh…
Meanwhile…at the hospital!
Sylar is scrubbed up and ready for surgery.
Sylar: Uh…I know I used to do this sort of thing for….recreational purposes…but….now….I just don't know.
Maya (in scrubs): You have to do this Gabriel!
Sylar: Fine, fine….let's see. Maya! Scalpel!
Maya: What happened to the one the nurse lent you?
Sylar: I dropped it. Just give me another one!
Maya hands it to him.
Sylar: These are scissors! I can't cut with these.
Maya hands the scalpel to him.
Sylar: This is a stethoscope! Have you never watched a medical show!
Maya: No.
Sylar: Ugh….
Sylar grabs the scalpel.
Sylar: OKAY! Who wants a corner piece? HA HA HA!
The nurses exchange looks.
Sylar: Ha…ha….it's…a birthday cake joke…you know….
Maya: …..
The nurses look at Sylar with serious looks on their faces.
Sylar: What?...I wasn't going to eat him! It's just….oh forget it, you people suck!
Sylar makes the cut; blood shoots up and hits him in the face. Maya grabs a towel and wipes her own forehead.
Sylar: Is it supposed to do that? BLEH!
The nurses look at each other and shrug.
Sylar: WHY ARE YOU SHRUGGING! Is this even a real hospital?
Maya: Doctor! This patient is in grave danger! His vital lines are all zig zagged!
Sylar: UGH! (To Maya) YOU! Go watch a medical show. And you two nurses come help me save this patient!
Maya runs off, Sylar cuts into the patient and opens him up.
Sylar: Uh….
Sylar looks inside the man…then turns and looks at his 'Body Parts Guide'…then back at the patient.
Sylar: I…only count 1 liver.
Another nurse walks in.
Nurse: The guy with the two livers is prepped for surgery!
Sylar (pissed): FISH PASTE!
Peter and Co. are still floating down the river on the Pirates ride. The boat stops suddenly.
Elle: Now what?
Animatronic Pirates (singing): Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!
Peter: Bro, the boat is stuck. Get out and push.
Nathan: No, I'll mess up my suit!
Elle: The same suit you've been wearing since Season 1?
Peter: Dude, you should invest in some new clothes. You should probably stop with the suits…since…
Nathan: Why, since I'm not the mayor anymore?
Peter: That…is…kinda a good reason not to wear suits all the time.
Animatronic Pirates: Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!
Elle: You guys, we're really stuck….we're probably caught on a corpse!
Peter: You don't have to get in the water, just….float and push.
Nathan: I'm not doing that.
Peter: Come on!
Nathan: No….
Animatronic Pirate: Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates life for me!
Elle: We're going to die here, aren't we?
Sandra: Yes, dear…we are.
Meanwhile, back in the hospital.
Claire and Lyle are walking around Epcot Center.
Claire: Okay, there have been 3 murders. We have not caught the killer yet…so….I think we're doing pretty good. Next stop, that place with the Soda Pops of the World! I think I read only 1 out of 10 flavors is actually drinkable…..
A gunshot is heard. Claire looks down to see a bullet wound in her chest. Lyle looks over.
Lyle: Holy crap!
Claire: Uh….OW!
Claire falls to the ground. Lyle kneels down.
Lyle: Claire!
Claire: Yes…dear brother….
Lyle: If you're gonna croak can I have your iPhone?
Claire: JERK!
Goofy walks up.
Lyle: EEP!
Goofy: Say your prayers….Barbie.
Lyle: Barbie?
Claire: Oh, you got to be kidding me….Doyle?
Lyle: The guy from the restaurant?
Goofy rips his head off to reveal Puppet Master Eric Doyle.
Doyle: Don't remind me! Once I found out you were here I had to exact my revenge.
Claire: Weren't you arrested? Why are you here?
Doyle: Community Service.
Lyle: They sent you to work at Disney World for Community Service?
Meanwhile, hundreds of Disney Lawyers flock to their Lawyer-Mobiles!
Claire: There goes next season…
Doyle: You ruined me, Barbie. And thus….I must ruin you.
Claire: Okay, how did you know I was here…and why did you kill 3 people…and try to kill me? It doesn't make sense.
Doyle: I was framed! I didn't kill those other people.
Lyle: Uh, dude? You just shot an unarmed girl in the chest in broad daylight in front of thousands of people at the happiest place on Earth! Why should we believe you?
Doyle: I….think I understand your logic. But you have to prove my innocence! Or else they'll make me work at Disney forever!
The Disney Lawyers smash down on their gas pedals.
Claire: WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME!
Doyle: I panicked….I saw you in the hotel room and ran.
Lyle: I'm surprised you didn't use your puppet powers…you could have easily stopped us.
Doyle: I'm trying to remain on your good side; I want us to be on the same team.
Lyle: You were just trying to kill Claire! How can you want to be on our side?
Doyle: Oh, I was just joking about that…I know she can't die. So…what do you say? We team up?
Claire: Uh…I don't think that's a great idea.
Doyle: You have to believe me, I didn't kill those people!
Lyle: Well, if you didn't kill those people, then who did.
Voice: That would be me.
Max walks up to the group.
Max: Good afternoon.
Claire: Who are you?
Max: You will find out in due time.
Lyle: Claire, this guy's a villain. Only the villains make us wait in due time before revealing themselves.
Claire: You're right!
Max: I wanted to thank you for bringing us all together, Doyle.
Claire and Lyle shoot a look toward Doyle.
Claire: YOU RAT!
Doyle: I seriously have no idea who this guy is…
Max: He doesn't…but he will….as will the both of you….in due time.
Lyle: Oh yeah, I don't trust him.
Max: I'm looking for Matt Parkman…
Claire: Uh…none of us are him so…..sorry?
Max: No, I need you three. Come with me.
Claire: And what if we refuse?
Max pulls out a small gun and shoots something into Doyle's neck. He collapses.
Claire: That's all?
Max reaches behind him and pulls out a shotgun; he holds it near Claire's head.
Max: You won't survive this one.
Claire: Not true! If you go inside and remove the bullet I'll wake up totally refreshed!...Did I just say that out loud? DAMN!
Max: Get moving…and you, boy, carry Goofy.
Lyle: Good going threatening to refuse, Claire!
Claire: Oh, shut up! This is all your fault! I'm telling mom!
Lyle: I'm telling mom!
Claire: But seriously, there are tons of people around and nobody is noticing any of this?
Sylar and Maya are on their way back.
Sylar: Well, that's almost over. We can get back to the hospital and get this liver transplanted and all will be good…then I can finally go to Disney World….
Maya: That sounds like fun!
Sylar looks at Maya, regretting what he just said.
Maya: Wish we could go, but Alejandro and I have other plans.
Sylar: WHEW!...
Maya looks at him.
Sylar: Uh….I meant…..I meant to say…Whew!
Sylar pulls up in the hospital parking lot. They get out.
Maya: I can't wait to give Alejandro his new liver! He'll be so happy!
Sylar: Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm probably gonna just drop this off and run. I can't really stay since I have….
The front doors shatter in front of Sylar and Maya, as a large explosion sends them flying into the wind shield of their car.
Sylar: ow….that stung….
Maya: oohhhh….
Sylar looks up; they watch Alejandro exit the building.
Maya: Alejandro?
He walks forward, he lifts up his arm.
Sylar: Oh, that's not good. Move, move, move!
The two of them roll off the hood of the car and dive out of the way as the car goes up in a fiery explosion. Maya is unconscious.
Sylar: Uh…do you want your liver?...HEY!...
Alejandro walks away.
Sylar looks at Maya, then Alejandro, then the hospital.
Sylar: Well, damn….
Voice: Someone stop that guy, he has my liver!
Sylar turns to find Ted Sprague next to him, in a hospital gown. Ted looks at Sylar.
Ted: Actually, I'll just wait for the next guy.
Sylar: So much for Disney World….
To Be Continued…