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between myself and my super girl beta nic, we finally got this out. whew. it's been a time, i tell you. thanks to nic for working on this chapter through work, hail storms, power outages, and hungry vampires. i adore you, ladylove.

The holidays come and go.

No longer willing to compromise what we want and need for the sake of others, we've made changes in the things we do. Edward has started accompanying me to Forks for the bigger occasions, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. He doesn't push it by overstaying his welcome, but he always manages to be by my side for the most important moments: family grace before Thanksgiving dinner; watching Emily open presents "from Santa" on Christmas morning.

We are forging the last of my human memories, and we both want him to be a part of them.

He grows a little closer to Charlie, sitting and talking with him while watching football and hockey games. If my father thinks it's strange Edward always declines beer, he doesn't say so. Maybe he thinks we're teetotalers now. And while Sue still isn't fully comfortable having a Cold One in such close quarters, I know she cannot deny the good in Edward. I do my best to behave with patience and compassion, knowing that it can't be easy reconciling a lifetime of conditioning with such an exception to the rule. But it's all right. I'll wait as long as it takes for her; she, Leah and Emily mean that much to me.

Sometimes, while hanging out in Forks on my own, I have girl dates with Emily, where we go out for ice cream together or get a movie to watch in my room, hiding beneath the covers with popcorn. I'd love to be able to bring her to Seattle, because there are so many fun things to do there, but Sue would never let her go. Emily's too young, and Sue's too freaked out by my friends...and I can't say I blame her. Emily is her baby. I hold on to the hope that I'll be around to watch her grow up, even if there are years between our future visits, but I spend the time we have now as if it could be our last.

It's this way with Leah, too, and even Jake. We don't discuss it, but our time together feels special, and I'm okay with that.

The one thing that bugs me, though, the one thing I have no control over, is what Charlie knows. And moreso, what he doesn't. Like any child, I've gone through periods of closeness and withdrawal with my parents, but as adults we have pretty open, trusting relationships. I used to keep my father clued in to what was going on in my life, at least generally, so to have to keep the truth about Edward and my impending change from him feels wrong. I feel like... if I don't have integrity, then what do I have?

But this situation is different, and Edward's helping me to see that it isn't my truth to tell. Keeping the secrets of his kind, as well as those of the Quileute, is a burden I must bear. The consequences of bringing Charlie in to the fold could be fatal, for us...and for him.

So, I'm working on letting go. Expecting things to be perfect, for every last detail in my life, just isn't realistic. It's time for me to focus on and appreciate what's right in my life, and not what's wrong.

Edward finds a space in the airport parking garage and pulls in before someone else does. We've gotten in the habit of driving ourselves to Sea-Tac and using long term parking; that way we can come and go as we please without having to wait on anybody else.

"Got everything?" he asks, tossing his keys back and forth as I close my door. He never brings anything but his wallet, choosing to just leave extra clothes, books and whatever else at the Cullens' Thorne Bay estate.

This will be my fourth time going to Alaska. Because there's a good chance I'll be spending a lot of time there as a newborn, Carlisle suggested I become better acquainted with their property. Honestly, it never takes much to convince me to go. Days of being with Edward, in a beautiful, wide open place where we have no enemies? It's like paradise.

And besides, Alaska during the winter is breathtakingly beautiful. Esme says that it snowed last night, and that their estate is blanketed in white, like something out of a fairy tale. It's been slushy, wet and miserable in Seattle and Forks, so this is a welcome respite.

Our flight is uneventful. Edward's not crazy about flying – he says the air is stale and rife with body odors ranging from mouth watering to foul – but he weathers it well. This time around, we both choose to read the hours away.

Alice and Jasper are at the airport when we arrive. This will be one of the first times the entire Cullen clan will be together since the decision on my changing was made. I know they consider me a part of the family, and even though I think I'll feel my place more when I'm like them, the sentiment of acceptance warms me.

"Hey," I say, hugging Alice even though I saw her just the night before.

"Hi, Bella." She wraps a soft, creamy scarf around my neck, careful to free my hair from its confines. "It's pretty frigid out there," she said. "Even I can feel it."

"Oh, wow. Okay. Thanks." I drop my carry-on so that I can retrieve my coat, sliding in to it right as Jasper leans down to hug me. "Hi, Jasper. You smell like snow."

"Do I?" He grins enigmatically, nodding. "It's really coming down out there. I brought the Jeep instead of Carlisle's car."

"The Jeep?" I echo.

"Emmett's toy," Edward says, sliding gloves on. He doesn't need them, just like Alice has no need for a hat or Jasper for proper boots, but it's part of the act. I, however, do need all of those things, as well as the mittens I slide on. It's a good thing I watched the weather channel before packing. "It's a beast."

"It really is." Alice's low laugh tinkles like a bell, a clear, soft sound in the busy airport rush. "Do you guys have anything else?"

"Nope. We packed light." Edward takes my hand. "We can go."

Alice and Jasper weren't kidding about the weather. Snowflakes drift dreamily down from the sky, clinging to our clothes. The opaque sky is blindingly bright, as if massively backlit by some unseen source. We hurry through people reuniting, taxi cabs and shuttles, toward the parking garage.

"Oh, my gosh," I snicker, spotting an enormous yellow Jeep in the first space. How Jasper wrangled it into any spot at all is a testament to his superior vampire skills.

"Told you," Edward says. We toss our bags in to the back, and then he helps me climb in, not because he's being especially chivalrous, but because otherwise I'd need a damn ladder to get inside.

Traffic moves slowly. The snow has slowed everything down, and according to the radio, several accidents on the main highways have only added to the mess.

"Man, we picked a great day to fly up," Edward says, sighing heavily. "At this rate it'll take us hours to get to Thorne Bay."

"Not necessarily, brother," Alice says. "Have faith."

When I wake up, night has fallen, softly dark beneath a snowy sky.

Blinking blearily, I straighten up in my seat and squint outside, trying to make sense of where we are. It's impossible to tell. Even if I knew this part of Alaska as well as the Cullens, I would be lost. There's nothing but the black of night, the white of snow, and the occasional soft red glow of passing cars.

"Jasper's taking some back roads," Edward murmurs, sensing that I'm awake. His hand finds mine, and I grasp it, glad to have something grounding me in this bizarre dream-like setting. "It's taking a while, but...it's better than trying to battle it out on the main roads."

I nod, squeezing his hand. "Have you been able to contact Carlisle and Esme? I bet they're worried..."

"They knew the storm was coming," Alice says from the front seat. She twists around to look at me, her eyes. "But we did call them. Just to check in.".

"That's good...I'd hate for her to worry." I reach in to my purse, looking for my phone. "Well, about me, anyway. I'm not indestructible yet."

Suddenly the Jeep starts to skid. I watch Jasper's hands on the wheel, gripping it tightly, trying to maintain control. It feels as though we've hit ice; the wheels can't find traction. And then, just as quickly as it started, it stops. We sit in the midst of the snow storm, headlights focused on a copse of trees a couple of feet away.

"Sorry 'bout that," Jasper chuckles, reaching to throw the Jeep back in to gear.

Wincing, I pull my hand out of my purse. My index finger hurts; I think I might have jabbed it with a pen that was sitting at the bottom of my purse when we started to skid. Before I can say anything, Edward is free from his restraints and in the front seat, on top of Jasper.

Alice screams his name, and then Jasper's, and then they tumble out of the front seat, even as the Jeep rolls. Alice slides over, putting the vehicle in 'park', and slams shut the door, locking it.

"What happened?" I ask quietly, nonplussed and a little shaky.

"You cut your finger," she says instead. "Jasper...wasn't expecting that."

I hold my hand up. A small trickle of blood runs down my finger, stinging. Silent, I put in in my mouth, mind racing.

"Let me just..." Alice searches through the glove compartment. "Damn. You didn't happen to bring bandaids, did you?"

"Actually, I might have a couple..." I glance nervously out the hazy window, to where Edward has Jasper down in the snow. Jasper's not even fighting him. Not anymore. I'm not sure he ever really was.

Alice has the wrapper off in the blink of an eye. She presses the little bandage to my practically non-existent cut, visibly keeping from taking in any breaths.

"Is it really that bad?" I whisper, a strange numbness settling over me. "I never really..."

"It is what it is," she says with a shrug, reminding me of Edward. "And in your case, it won't always be this way. We just have to be careful, and treat every incident as if it could be twenty times worse. With Jasper, especially. He's the newest to this lifestyle, besides Edward."

"But why is it so much easier for Edward?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I think that each of us brings certain strengths in to this life, certain gifts. And Edward – like Carlisle – has especially strong self control. But we're not all as strong, as some of us...like Jasper...are really sensitive to it. He's sensitive to a lot of things...I think that's why he's so adept at mood perception and manipulation."

"It seems ironic that he has the ability to change someone else's mood when he can't quite control his own," I muse, watching the boys get to their feet.

I see the Jasper I know out there, shaking snow from his blond hair, looking sheepish. Biting my lip, I turn back to Alice. "What'll we do?"

A far away expression passes over her, so quickly I'd have missed it had I not been watching closely. "Jasper and I can run home."

"No! Alice..." Horrified, I shake my head. "No way. Not in this weather."

"Bella, we don't even feel it. Riding in cars is a game we play; a show we put on. Please, don't worry about it. It's better we separate. Why risk it, you know?"

"You think he'd...attack?"

"Maybe." I can see she's finished discussing it, whether because it would bother me or it bothers her, I'm not sure.

As usual, Edward is on the same page. He and Alice trade places, snow blustering in when the door to the Jeep opens. I watch as she goes to her mate, holding his face in her hands. They exchange a few words, and then disappear in to the night.

Now in the driver's seat, Edward turns the heat up a little. "Coming up here?" he asks, twisting to look at me, as if something horrible didn't just almost-happen.

I climb to the passenger's seat and buckle myself in.

He puts his hand on mine. "You okay?"

Our eyes meet, and I study him, his wind tousled hair and dark eyes. He fed just before our flight, but now it looks like he might need to go again. Because of me, probably. "I don't know."

"Don't worry about Jasper, Bella."

"How can I not worry about him?" I ask, troubled. "He's probably the most relaxed out of all you, and now he's all..."

"He's a vampire. Vampires crave blood. You bled. That's all."

I nod, understanding this logic. Still, though, it's hard not to feel guilty.

"It was no one's fault," Edward says, shifting gears so that we can continue our journey through the forested roads. It's a bizarre juxtaposition: night so black it swallows, snow so white it blinds. It almost hurts my eyes. "And, you know...in a way, we've been afraid something like this might happen," he continues suddenly. "I've been afraid. You don't know how vulnerable you are, how fragile. Human life is just...it's a miracle. Every moment. Sometimes I don't even know how I stayed alive as long as I did."

What he's saying makes sense, but I've only ever known being human, so it's difficult to relate.

He takes my hand, rubbing his thumb lightly over the band-aid. "I'm glad Aro only gave you a year."

I look sharply at him, searching his face, but he's neutral, eyes focused on the road. On one hand, such abrupt frankness feels like it comes out of left field, but...I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He's probably tired of balancing everything. And...my God. So am I. When I'm like him, we'll all be able to relax a little more. We'll be able to move ahead, move on.

As equals.

"Say something," he says, after a moment.

"I don't know what to say."

"That I'm selfish."

"We're all selfish," I murmur, tangling our fingers.

The rest of the drive is silent, but it's comfortable. Outside, snow swirls and the wind gusts so hard that I feel it shaking the Jeep, but I'm safe here, with Edward.

The house is quiet when we arrive.

If I didn't know the Cullens, I'd think that, due to the late hour, they were all asleep. But they can't sleep, so they're either out hunting or they're simply taking things easy.

It's the latter.

Carlisle smiles gently as he welcomes us inside. He and Edward then take our bags, to our room I assume. Esme leads me to the fireplace, which crackles invitingly, spreading warmth and good feelings into the room, and into me.

"How was your flight?" she asks.

I yank my boots off, slightly embarrassed I didn't do so by the front door. It doesn't seem as though I've gotten the floor wet, though, so I relax a bit. They're good boots; my socked toes are warm and dry. "It was good. Non eventful..."

She nods. "Hungry?"

I wasn't until she mentioned it, but now I'm ravenous. "Actually, I am."

"I'll bring you something I made a little earlier..." She's up and gone before I can respond.

Carlisle and Edward's voices float closer, letting me know they're about to join me. Carlisle smiles sympathetically, prompting me to ask about Jasper and Alice.

"They'll stay the night in the cabin," he says, gesturing toward the back of the house. "It's at the edge of the property."

Frowning, I sit forward. "I...still can't believe it happened this way," I confess. "I've known Jasper for quite some time, and he's never...I mean..." I shake my head, unable to keep from myself from going over and over what happened earlier in the snowstorm. This is the back and forth of my life: right when I feel the welcome lull of knowing what to expect, something like this happens to remind me of my place in this supernatural world.

"It's instinct. Jasper wasn't ready for what happened, and he was caught off guard. It's happened to the best of us," Carlisle says.

"It doesn't happen to you," Edward says to him, smiling wryly. He sits beside me, resting his arm around my shoulders. "Carlisle's right, though. It happens."

"I know. I just wish they didn't feel the need to stay elsewhere tonight." I know none of this is my fault; it's no one's fault – I get that. But Alice is one of my best friends, and I've grown so close to Jasper as well. Knowing that he's physically uncomfortable around me right now, and that he probably feels really guilty, makes me feel bad.

As usual, Edward knows my moods and faces. He lets me alone, though, allows me to work through it. We've discussed it, and now I have to just let things go.

Esme brings me a tray full of food: cut up fruit, little sandwiches, bits of chocolate and croissants. "Feels like a picnic," I say. My stomach growls – loudly. "Thank you! I don't know where to start."

"Let me know if you need anything else," she replies, ever the hostess. It's funny; she's barely older than I am, in terms of how old she was when she turned, but she always feels so maternal.

"I will," I promise, knowing I won't need to. "Thanks, Esme."

She kisses my head – like a Mom – and leaves, Carlisle saluting us playfully as he follows after her.

"Are Emmett and Rosalie around?" I ask, swallowing. "Are they coming down?"

"They left to hunt," Edward says. "Just in case."

My face must fall, because he chuckles. "Chill, Bella. They're just...I don't know. Erring on the side of caution."

I nod, taking a bit of croissant. Buttery deliciousness. I'll miss this when I'm changed.

He quiets, playing absently with my hair as I eat. Once I've had my fill, I place the tray on the coffee table and curl up in to his side. Sated and sleepy, I begin to doze, waking only when he places me in bed.

In the morning, the smell of bacon wakes me up. It's such a normal breakfast smell, and yet, I know I'll be the only one eating it. Everyone else thinks it smells disgusting; I don't know how Esme deals with it. I've told her before that I don't mind getting and preparing my own food, but it's obvious to finds joy in the task.

Outside, a gust of wind carries voices to my window. Stretching, I look outside, not surprised to see Tanya and her sisters down in the yard, hanging out with my soon-to-be family. The scene is reminiscent of the very first time I saw her, only it doesn't bother me now the way it did then.

Maybe because this time they're all sitting around and talking instead of playing games that involve full body contact.

But, really, I suppose I'm more confident now; both in myself and my relationship with Edward. Plus, the fact that I'll be a vampire just like her in less than a year makes me feel like we'll be on even footing. It's silly, I know...but it's how I feel.

Jasper's back. Our eyes meet as I walk in to the kitchen. Knowing Jasper, he's been waiting down here for me so we could talk, and do away with any funky vibes.

"Hey," I say, giving him a shy wave. "I'm...glad you're back."

He nods sheepishly. "Me too. I'm okay now."

"I know." And I do. This entire family has done nothing but protect me, day in and day out, since we became acquainted. I remember Jasper standing with Carlisle in Volterra, how their very presence vouched for me. "There's never a dull moment, is there?"

Shaking his head, he smiles. "Guess not."

"Is Alice around?"

"Outside," he says, smirking. Thanks to his abilities, I suspect he knows exactly how I feel about Tanya.

Sticking out my tongue, I grab a plate and fix myself breakfast from the little spread Esme's prepared for me. Edward must have told her about my food-obsession, because my favorites seem to make appearances whenever I visit Thorne Bay.

I kind of wish I could eat outside, enjoying the bright sunshine and the way it glints off the fresh snow, but I know it's a lot colder than it looks. Instead, I settle down at the kitchen table and chat with Jasper, who keeps me company while I eat.

I layer as much as possible before going outside, glad that I bought a few warmer pieces for my visits up here. Seattle is cold, but it's nothing compared to Thorne Bay.

Emmett is the first to hug me, and then Rose, who winks at me before sitting down again.

"Hi, guys," I say, smiling at the rest of the group. Tanya, Kate and Irina wave back from their blanket, looking more like they're sitting on warm, sun-drenched grass than in cold, crunchy snow. It's weird, but, I guess anything goes when you don't have a body temperature.

"Welcome back, Bella," Kate says, smiling pleasantly. "Bet you weren't expecting that blizzard, huh?"

"Not exactly," I agree, shaking my head. "It's pretty now, though."

Edward's watching me from his lounge chair, another item that seems better suited for balmier weather. I go to him, pleased when he slides an arm around my waist and pulls me to his lap.

"So warm," he murmurs. His touch is icy, even though the material of my clothes, but I revel in his closeness.

"For now," I whisper back, imagining what it would be like for the snow and wind to not even register.

Across from us, Tanya checks her phone, pretending not to listen.

"I like this one," Alice says. She pushes the catalog closer, showing me a wedding dress. It's a little fancy for my taste, but I like the design.

"That is pretty," I say, nodding. "Maybe without the lace?"

"Definitely," she says, taking back the magazine so she can bookmark. It's totally relaxed, and we spend much of the afternoon this way, planning and discussing my upcoming wedding to Edward. Esme joins us after a while. "I love weddings," she admits, tracing her finger along one of the pictures Alice cut out earlier. "Carlisle and I have had a couple."

"I can imagine," I say, making her laugh.

"It's self indulgent, I know," she says, shaking her head, "but we can't help it. When you're married this long, when you live for this long, it's important to keep that spark. Keep it in the forefront."

"Makes sense," I say, nodding.

"No one's done it as much as Em and Rose, though," snorts Alice. "Man. You'd think she'd be too practical or whatever, but no. I swear, they've been married in every country."

"Are you serious?" I snicker.

"Just you wait," Rose says suddenly, appearing so unexpectedly she makes me jump. "We mate way differently than humans do... way more passionately. The love never dies, and you won't be able to get enough of him. I'll remind you of this when you guys tie the knot for like, the fortieth time."

The four of us go back and forth for awhile. I can't say that multiple weddings are something I want for myself and Edward, as one seems special enough for eternity, but who knows how I'll feel in twenty years? Fifty? Perhaps fanfare and fireworks will be welcome ways to rededicate ourselves to one another. The girls give me a lot, sharing their thoughts and views on marriage and relationships, and I receive until I am brimming over, sappy-full of love for my intended. He must sense it when he comes to find me later, because his sweet smile gives way to a seductive smolder.

He picks me up as if I weigh nothing, letting me ride piggyback to our room. We hit the bed kissing, and even though it takes forever and a year to peel my layers away, soon we're naked.

"I can't wait til I can bite you," he says, his eyes darkening the way they do when he's aroused. "I know I shouldn't...but it's in me. I know tasting you will be...divine."

My heart quickens: fear and lust... adrenaline and anticipation, always. The threat only magnifies his appeal. And he knows, too. Sometimes I wonder if he plays with me this way because it makes the taking that much sweeter.

"You can taste me now," I whisper, closing my eyes as he kisses my neck. "Taste me in other ways."

Our lives continue on, every day braiding us together a little tighter as we share days, thoughts, love and plans. On weekends and time off from school, we continue alternating between Forks and Thorne Bay. I am preparing to say goodbye to one while preparing to say hello to the other. It's a strangely comforting dichotomy: no matter what, I have my family.

We go to see my mother as planned, and although she never asks outright, I know she feels that there's something different about Edward. She lets it alone, though, which is just as well. I think her happiness at my happiness greatly outshines any suspicions, so she chooses to be blissful in her ignorance.

And besides, Edward has always been a charmer. He stops just short of compelling her in to adoring him, and by the time we leave, Renee is gushing about the "son she never had". Phil's the happy-go-lucky type, so he's an easy sell. They see us off at the airport, promising to see us in a few months time for the wedding.

Like sand though the proverbial hour glass, time slips rapidly away.

Before I know it, the school year is over. Edward and I have put in for our transfers, including a year of hiatus in between. Under normal circumstances this would all be tricky, but between him and Carlisle, there's nothing we can't do.

Charlie knows that our honeymoon will last for two weeks. He knows that Edward has this crazy inheritance that will fund our travels, and that we'll be abroad in a location secret to everyone but Edward.

What he doesn't know is that we've already bought homes for ourselves, in Thorne Bay and Brazil, and that when the time comes, we'll choose one of these locations for my transformation. Sometimes planning out the details this way feels morbid, as if I'm arranging for my own death, but it's absolutely necessary. Becoming a vampire is one of the most major things than will ever happen to me: a rebirth, of sorts. Planning for it is paramount if we want things to go smoothly.

We don't talk about it, but Leah and Jacob know that my change is imminent. They don't know the where, how or when, and they never will, but they're not stupid. They know that Edward and I are unevenly matched, physically. And somehow, they also have vague knowledge of the way vampire leadership works – that the humans familiar with Cold Ones either die or become Cold Ones themselves.

It's never discussed. There are some things that we'll never discuss. I'm just grateful for our friendships, and that I've been able to keep the peace as much as I have. Things won't ever be perfect and wrapped up in bows, but that's life.

But there are perfect moments, and that's what I think about when I imagine being tied to Edward forever, when we get married.

Thanks to Leah, and probably Jake and Ness, Sam backs down on his stance toward the Masen house. He knows it's useless to fight it, as we can do it if we want to, and he calls one evening to tell me himself. He doesn't exactly give me his blessing, but he reassures me that "the wolves will behave as long as we do". Whatever that means.

For obvious reasons, like anemic vampire-wolf relations, we don't do rehearsal dinners or anything. I'm determined to have my wedding the way we want it and how we want it, but that doesn't mean the Cullens have to be present anymore than is necessary. That would be uncomfortable for everybody involved. And as elegant as it's going to be, it'll be pretty simple, too.

Our families promise to be there as early in the morning as possible to set things up, and that's good enough. I can say with certainty that I'm not really that nervous. We've been through much worse.

The night before the wedding, Edward and I stay in his parent's home. It's the first time we've been back since he was staying there before, the nights he'd sneak across the darkness to watch over me in my bed. That seems like it was another lifetime ago, and in some ways, it was.

We spend the hours talking about the days that have led us to this, starting from the moment we first laid eyes on one another at that lounge. And we make love, knowing that by this time tomorrow night, we'll be en route to the rest of our lives.

so very sorry this took so long getting to you all.

i love this story, and it's important that it end properly, and not rushed.

also, besides kids and visiting friends and family reunions and trips, my witfit story, Brighter, admittedly takes up a lot of precious writing time.

that said, the next chapter will be out in a much more prompt manner.

lots of love. xoxo