A/N: Hey. Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and New Year. Gawd, I suck at author's notes, but thanks to everyone for getting on board, and to Kimmie45, of course, because she's gorge (aside from being my beta), and to SammyHale who's always here for me even while she's growing a human.
Hope you enjoy.
Vertigo
Chapter 21
Edward.
The only thing that gives me bloody comfort at the moment is knowing Bella's in therapy. She goes twice a week; Mondays and Thursdays after work.
Sometimes I meet her after on a Thursday and we have dinner. She's always pretty chill after, and I can relax knowing that while she won't let me in to help her, at least she's getting it from a professional.
Still, I don't know what to do for her. I'm beginning to feel not only really bloody helpless, but in constant panic that everything's going to go south without any warning. I need to know how to pull her out of it if it does. I need some kind of reassurance.
She blames herself for what happened to her family. That's obvious now, and it doesn't matter how irrational it is; I can see it in her eyes, twisting her up inside. She hasn't been the same since that night. She doesn't talk as much as she did, nor does she smile a lot anymore. It feels like a dark cloud is hanging over her, and she's drifting further and further away.
It happened gradually; I didn't notice it as first, but now, barely a month later I see her and I barely recognise her from the girl I first took out. She's not sleeping, and her eyes, that are deep anyway, now look tortured. All I can bloody think about is how she was suicidal, and I worry she still is. But it's not as if I can bring it up. She shuts me down the moment I do. She does give me bits and pieces of information about her, but it's always only half the puzzle. That's when I decide; I'm going to go back and see my shrink. I need some strategies to deal with her, to help her.
I call Dr Jenks' office to book an appointment. Unusually it can take months to get in to see him, but in a stroke of luck, and after a spate of recent cancellations, I'm scheduled in for the following week.
He's happy to see me and as he ushers me into his office he asks me how I'm doing.
"I'm good. I'm not actually here to see you about me, but my girlfriend..."
"Oh?" he ventures, sitting in his chair opposite me and picking up his pen.
I explain Bella's situation to him, starting from what happened to her family before I describe her behaviour over the last several weeks. This is when he raises his finger to stop me.
"This girl you're seeing... It wouldn't happen to be Isabella Dwyer, would it?"
I pause for a moment. "What...? You mean...Bella's your patient?"
With his elbow resting on the arm of the chair, he drops his head to massage his forehead with his fingers—as if he suddenly needs a stiff drink. I don't take it as a bloody good sign.
"So you're Bella's Edward," he says after gazing up at me again, his expression almost ironic.
"She talks about me...?"
He raises his hand again, palm facing me. "I can't discuss her with you, Edward."
"Okay, but Christ, just tell me how to help her," I say probably too desperately, but it's a relief knowing I have a connection to her. Even if he can't tell me any details of what she's going through.
"How you help her?" He inches forward to the edge of his chair and props his elbows on his knees. "For one, you don't treat her like she's going to break. Don't be afraid to force her to face certain things and don't fear her anger. She has a habit of repressing it," he stops abruptly as if catching himself.
"She won't talk to me. She shuts herself off."
"I can tell you this, Bella's quite attached to you, and for too long she hasn't had anyone to fight for her," he explains.
"So...what do I do...?"
"Push her. If she pushes back, then you push harder. She has to realise talking about what happened to her won't be the apocalypse she thinks it will. Just understand your limits as well as hers."
I nod, but Christ...it won't be bloody easy. If I know Bella, she'll put up a fight.
"It will test your relationship, Edward. I hope you're prepared for that."
"I know...but she's worth it," I murmur, my eyes on the floor.
He clears his throat. "I'd like you to keep this meeting from her, for now. You know how...spirited she is." I get the impression it wasn't the word he wanted to use, but I get his meaning.
"Yeah, I do," I smile to myself, almost scoffing. "Can you tell me one thing?"
"That depends on what it is."
"Is she in danger of...hurting herself?"
He stares at me for a moment, his expression serious, before he drops his head and rubs his forehead again. "Yes," he answers quietly and the blood in my veins turns to fucking ice.
"Shit..." I mutter. "Has she tried to...before?"
"Edward..." he warns me, shaking his head, and I huff shortly in frustration.
"Well—what the hell am I supposed to do?" I feel bloody sick.
"Be there for her, even when she doesn't want you around. Be ready when she wants to open up and talk, and push her to open up to you if you see her sliding back. Believe me, you won't kill her by trying."
I take a breath, expelling it bloody wearily and dragging my fingers through my hair. "Jesus..."
He's quite for a while, observing me while I turn myself inside bloody out.
"I'm glad you came to see me, Edward," he eventually says, flashing me a quick smile that makes me believe that Bella's not the bloody train wreck I'm beginning to think she is.
"Yeah..." I mumble, but I'm done. I pull myself to my feet. "Thanks." I extend my hand to him and he takes it.
I leave knowing one thing; if I want Bella, I'm going to have to fight for her. She hasn't had anyone to fight for her in a while?
Well, now she bloody has.
After stepping in the elevator and pressing the button to go down to the underground carpark, I pull my phone from my pocket and switch it back on.
I've missed a call from her, and I immediately call her back.
"Hey, handsome," she says warmly. She doesn't call me darling much anymore.
"Hey, sorry, Bella. I was in the shower," I lie.
"No worries."
"What's up?"
"I want to ask you something..." she sounds cryptic. And guilty.
"About Jasper?" it's not hard to bloody guess.
"Yeah..."
I sigh. "Bella..."
"He really wants to see you and apologise."
"He already has." He's sent me a hundred bloody texts messages after Bella gave him my number. I've ignored all of them.
"You didn't even read them," she calls me out.
I laugh, but relent, because I'm about to put my shrink's advice into action and give her a hard time. "What do you want to ask?"
"Dinner, and I'll be there." She sounds hopeful, and I know I'm always going to cave.
"Christ...all right. You set something up."
"See, this is why I love you." She's instantly brighter.
"Sucking up to me's not always going to work, you know," I say wryly.
"I'm sure I can think of something else that will," she teases me and I laugh again, softly.
The elevator opens to the garage, and pulling my keys from my pocket, I unlock my car.
"What are you doing?" she asks, obviously hearing the beep of my alarm.
"Getting something out of my car."
"What?"
"Christ, you're nosey—my charger," I quickly bullshit, and opening my car door, I climb in. I don't start the engine; she'll more than likely hear and have more questions.
"Fair enough..."
"Bella...?"
"Yeah."
"How are you sleeping?"
She's quiet for a moment, before answering, "About the same."
"Why don't you see a doctor about taking something?" I suggest.
"Christ, no," she says immediately. "Those things are addictive."
"Take a Phenergan—they'll knock you out."
She scoffs. "Yeah, for three bloody days."
I sigh, because she's as bloody stubborn as a mule. "I was thinking..."
"About...?"
"We should talk." Christ, I feel like holding my breath.
"Talk about...what?" She's suspicious.
"Just...whatever you want to talk about."
"Edward..." She takes a heavy breath that sounds just as deliberate.
"Bella, you need to open up more to me. I'm not asking you to tell me everything at once, just to trust me enough if you want to talk."
"I don't want to talk, yet," she mumbles, and she's uncomfortable, but fuck it.
"I don't believe you."
"Where's this coming from?" she suddenly demands.
"You know where it's coming from. I'm bloody worried about you."
"I just...I just have shit days," is her explanation, and she doesn't sound bloody convincing.
"I don't want you blaming yourself. No more. I mean it, Bella."
"I don't..."
"Yes you do."
"I don't want to talk about this," she says abruptly.
"Okay, if you won't talk to me, I won't meet your brother."
"Hey!" she protests, and she's not impressed. "Don't push me, Edward."
"I think you need to be pushed."
"Why are you talking like this all of a sudden?"
"Why?" I say, seriously. "Because I'm sick to fucking death of watching you twist yourself into a knot while I stand around doing nothing."
"I'm not twisting into a knot," she insists weakly, because even she doesn't believe that.
"Bella, come on—fuck sake..."
"I'm pretty sure you're breaking ten of my rules."
"Yeah, well, I'm not playing by those rules anymore," I admit, quietly, because I'm not.
"Christ!"
"Bella..."
"—I'm going!"
"Hey! If you fucking hang up on me, I'll be on your doorstep in thirty seconds," I threaten her, and I'm deadly fucking serious.
She's quiet for the longest time, when she speaks up in a timid voice, "Edward...?"
"What?"
"You haven't apologised to me once."
"...Was I supposed to?"
"I don't know—Christ! Are possessed, or something?"
"You want me to come around?" I offer.
"...Are you threatening me?"
I laugh. "No, you goose. Just to talk."
She expels a heavy breath again, and then another, before she finally caves. "Okay, but not tonight. Tomorrow?"
"Righto." And shit, I'm surprised by how easy that was.
"Where are you?"
"Sitting in my car?"
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?—I'm talking to you."
"I mean, why in your car and not your house?"
"Jesus—are you trying to change the subject?"
"No, I said you can come around tomorrow. Don't push your bloody luck."
"Okay, baby. I'll see you tomorrow," I say warmly, releasing my breath in relief.
"Hey?"
"Yeah?"
"If we're going to do this, it's quid pro quo, okay?"
"...What do you want in return...?" I ask immediately cynical, because with Bella it could be anything.
"I want you to make me scream so loud you'll make my neighbours blush," she answers, her voice dropping.
"Christ, Bella..." I utter, my bloody mouth going dry. "You're doing my head in."
She laughs. "See you tomorrow, handsome."
. . .
Bella's work schedule changes from one day to the next, so she doesn't always get home at the same time. For me, unless there's a staff meeting, I'm usually home by four.
She messages me at just after five to tell me she's home, and I'm half way to her house, when some asshole rear-ends me on Military Road and almost pushes me onto the A1 freeway.
It's an old bugger easily in his eighties. I get out and make sure he's okay, before giving him my insurance details. He's pretty shaken and after putting him at ease, I call in a tow. My car looks bloody written off.
With the peak hour traffic there's delays. At least a half an hour, I'm informed. Bella's expecting me, but it's not as if I can tell I've just been in an accident. I know I'll have to make something up, and I call her a few minutes later when I've worked out what.
"Hey, baby... Listen, I'm going to be a bit late—my bloody car was stolen."
"What?" she says in disbelief. "From your garage?"
"I left it out on the driveway."
"Christ."
"Yeah... I'm just waiting for the cops to get here to give a statement and I'll be right over."
"You want me to pick you up?"
Fuck!
"No, it's okay. I'll get Jake to drop me off."
"Sure?"
"It's fine, Bella—really."
"Okay, then. See you soon."
I chat to the old bloke until the tow trucks arrive, and after filling out my information, I walk the half a kilometre back home.
Jake's home from work, thank Christ.
"Hey, can you give me a lift to Bella's? I ask him, sticking my head around his bedroom door, and before he can open his mouth, I fill him in. "I was rear-ended."
"Shit—okay, no worries. Just give a moment to get changed."
I text Bella to let her know I'm on my way, and before I exit Jake's car in front of her house, I turn to him. "If Bella asks, my car was stolen—so if you open your big mouth to your girlfriend again, get the story straight."
"Geez, all right, mate. But what if she finds out?"
I snort, before grabbing the handle and pulling the door open. "How will she find out?"
Bella opens the door in her flannel pyjamas, her hair loose around her shoulders. "Hey, handsome," she says brightly, before intercepting my greeting by turning her head to kiss my lips.
"Hey," I say softly, but I suddenly feel like a prick for lying to her. I'm forced to remind myself how she'd more than likely freak out if she knew I was in an accident, just to push back my guilt.
Grabbing my hands, she pulls me inside where I'm immediately greeted by Oppa.
"Want a coffee?" she asks me over her shoulder as she heads toward the kitchen.
"Yeah," I answer before heading into the lounge room and sitting down on her sofa.
Her fireplace is on, and the room is warm.
She returns a couple of minutes later, shuffling into the room in her Uggs, and setting two mugs on the coffee table.
"So," she says after flopping down on the lounge beside me, and tucking her legs beneath herself. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know, just talk," I reply, turning to her.
"You start." She reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear.
"Tell me about your nightmares."
"No," she says immediately, the tone of her voice dropping. "Why validate them? They're only nightmares."
"Okay...tell me about your grandmother."
She takes a breath, as if steeling herself, while breaking her eyes from mine for a moment. "She's an evil old witch who took advantage of me when I was at my darkest point in time, to get to my father's money—and that's all I'm saying about her."
"Christ, Bella. I'm sorry."
A smile lightens her face and she arches her brow at me, bringing it to my attention.
"I mean, I'm sorry for what happened to you—not just because I say it too bloody much."
"I know what you meant," she says in a soft voice, before inching closer to me to trace her finger along my jaw.
"What's going on with you?" I ask seriously, grabbing her hand. It's distracting me and I get the impression that's exactly what her intention is.
She shrugs. "I just...I have bad days, that's all."
"You started talking to me about your past and then you stopped," I point out.
"I know..."
Why don't you feel comfortable talking to me anymore?" I bring her hand to my lips.
"It's just hard to talk about."
"You can tell me anything, Bella."
"Edward..." she complains.
"I can see what bottling it up is doing to you," I say, gently.
"I know," she concedes, looking away from me again. "Everything with you is...different."
"...What?—I mean, how...?" I ask her, uncertain of her meaning.
"Because..." she turns to meet my gaze again, her expression looking resigned, or maybe defeated, "you make me feel more than what I was expecting."
"What do I make you feel?"
"Too much."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"It shouldn't be, but for me it is..." she murmurs, pulling her eyes from me again, as her brow knots heavily.
"Why, Bella? Help me understand." And reaching out, I take her chin and guide her eyes back to mine.
She immediately grabs my hand to prevent me, and she's beginning to look frustrated. "Because I opened my heart up all the way for you, Edward. I didn't want to, but you made me, and a lot more than just you got in."
I sigh and drop my chin to my chest for a moment, because this is exactly what I've been suspecting for months. "You closed you heart so you wouldn't have to feel the pain of what happened. Is that right?"
She nods, and leans against me further to idly trace the buttons on my shirt with her finger.
"And when you started feeling something for me, it let in all those other feelings, about your past, too? The ones you wanted to keep buried?"
"See? You already know this about me," her voice suddenly wavers, "so please stop..."
"Bella, look at me." Cupping my hand to her face I coax her once more to meet my gaze; she allows me to this time, reluctantly. "It's hurting you more when you don't talk about it."
She shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears. "There's nothing I can do. I just have to get past it, but it's just...it's too much."
"What is?"
"You—you make me feel too much. I-I don't know...how..." Her tears spill over, and I immediately slide my palm to the back of her neck and pull her to me.
"Okay..." I console her, because it hurts me to hurt her. There's a lot more pain inside her than I was expecting—which is pretty bloody naïve of me—but at the same time, I don't want to force her to face anything before she's ready, or all at once.
"I...I...just feel like I'm falling sometimes, Edward," she admits, her forehead resting against my shoulder. I can feel her tears as they soak into the cotton of my shirt. "It scares me...so much..."
"But, it's okay to be scared." I turn my head and bury my face against her damp cheek. "Remember what you told me? Give me your pain and I'll hold it for you."
She half laughs through her tears, before inhaling them roughly back. "You're adorable."
"So are you," I tell her softly.
She kisses me, breaking off when her chest shudders. "Can we stop now? I...I feel naked..."
"But you're not shy about me seeing you naked," I remind her lightly.
She scoffs out what I think she means to be a laugh again, before tucking her hair behind her ear. Her hands are shaking, and it's bloody killing me.
"This is a kind of naked I don't want anyone to see," she admits, in a small voice, her eyes lowering. "It's easier to let you see my body."
A/N: Let me know. Or not. All good, and see you again soon.