CHAPTER NINETEEN

I'm restless. I'm pathetic. I can't even do the simplest of things before a flush invades my face.

Those were the thoughts that raced through my mind the past couple of days since we arrived back at The Manor.

I couldn't even look at Mattie. What's worse is I know he knows that I can't even look at him.

Actually, it's probably a given that he knows everything that's running through my head.

Right now I'm making food - a salad. Mattie came in my room and because of that flush that invaded my cheeks, I made up some shitty excuse to leave. "I'm making some food." What kind of excuse is that?

It's because of that idea that Mattie might like me. And there's that little bit of me that hopes because what kind of person lifts me up and puts me on his lap? Who does things you'd see in a relationship?

But Caim... He's just thinks I'm Caim, right?

Isn't it weird to date the guy Caim went out with? That's weird isn't it?

"Alice?" I jumped. The tomatoes that I really shouldn't have been cutting with a fuzzy, confused mind jumped with me, some rolling off the kitchen table and on the floor.

It was Mattie, of course.

"Shit, you shouldn't really scare me with a knife in my hands." I took a deep breath, put the knife down before turning to him.

I said a lot of 'shouldn'ts'. At least it feels that way. I shouldn't feel this way with Mattie. I shouldn't cut these tomatoes…

He was on the far side of the island, leaning on the countertop in a beige cabled jumper. His hair was ruffled as if he had just woken up but I knew that was not the case.

I leaned on the countertop behind me. I didn't expect I'll be keeping up this behaviour for long.

"Mattie?"

"Is something wrong? Did I do something to offend you?"

"No…"

"Then…"

Iain told me before I could talk to Mattie because he is my… vampire. But that's just with Rose related stuff, right?

"Are you uncomfortable with how I am with you?" He asked.

"Not really…" I stared at the floor. If only it were real though, I'd be over the moon.

"Alice, tell me. I'm your partner, right? I can tell that there's something wrong with you." Yeah, even I know I'm not hiding it.

But how do I put it into words without it sounding really stupid?

He cocked his head at me, still waiting for my answer.

Do I just blurt it out?

"Alice?"

"I don't know!" I cried out. It was a reaction. I felt like I should wave my hands in the air like a mad woman, "It's all jumbled up!"

"Maybe you could just say what's in your mind and I'll try to figure it out?"

I have to say it because I - we - can't go on like this.

"It's just amazing, right? How can you like me after dating Caim, going through the pain of his death, learning that I, his sister, murdered him? I don't understand how that could happen.

"And what does 'like' mean? Is it love? Are you mistaking me for Caim? When you had your arms wrapped around me did it have a feeling behind them? Am I being used?"

How do I stop this train? I'm just interpreting his actions that day in Iain's office as… well someone really close to him. Am I that?

"Don't you think it's a bit wrong to even think of dating me after dating Caim?" I stopped abruptly. Everything I had concerns about or thought about just poured out of me and hung in the air. I thought I had more things to say but that was it. It seemed like there was more.

Mattie just looked at me. I could tell by his blinking he was thinking it over. Maybe it was a forced action that was telling me my stupid thoughts were registered somewhere in the caves of his mind.

"Do you know the colour of a vampire's eyes when he's interested in someone?"

Excuse me? Did I just say all that for nothing? How dare he!

I turned around to cut more tomatoes. "Fine, you don't care, I get it."

"On the contrary, I do care. Quite a lot." His voice was loud against my ear giving me a fright.

He was behind me. Damn his vampire speed!

A hand snaked around to put the knife down yet again. He kept it there over my hand as if I was going to do something dangerous.

"A vampire's eyes are red. Yet they change colour depending on how he or she, feels toward the feeder."

I couldn't help but swallow at his words that left me frozen.

"You probably wouldn't have learnt this because Sarah isn't a fan of being that hungry that her eyes turn red. Humans wouldn't know this because their eyesight isn't as detailed as a vampire's sight is - even with twenty-twenty vision.

"They change to a deeper shade ever so slightly."

"Why are you even telling me this?" I asked.

"Because mine have changed."

I turned my head to look at his with a quizzical look on my face. "'Humans wouldn't know this'?"

"You're free to test it out if you like, just ask at Ruby."

Because he said that I believed him.

"My eyes would answer some of the questions you voiced. I'm not using you, far from it. I did think you might think I'm just mixing up my feelings for you and your brother, all this time I knew you liked me - I could tell from your eyes, but even while I was in a relationship with Caim and after his death, I never knew how to give you an excuse or reason to acknowledge that feeling so I chose to ignore it thinking it was best on both of it. Even now I don't know of a reason that'll convince you that I'm not mixing you two up.

"'How can I like you after killing Caim? Killing people is part of the daily life at Rose." He shrugged.

"And no, I don't find it weird to want to date you after Caim. Again, it's part of the norm at Rose."

Can I accept this as an answer? He didn't really answer the 'are you projecting your feelings for Caim onto me' question which was the one that I wanted an answer to.

"Will you be able to answer it later?" I pressed.

He shifted his weight onto another foot, turning me around. His face was just a few inches away from mine. His eyes were brown.

"It's that important to you?" I nodded. "Then I will think of a reason for you." He leaned to plant a gentle kiss on my forehead.

I don't know what possessed me to do the next thing. I leaned forward on my tiptoes and kissed him. Very lightly, a brush.

I don't want to lose him like I did. I don't want to lose any more people. Not Iain. Not Sam. Not Mattie. If I confess would I get to have him by my side for a while longer?

Mattie touched my cheek and returned my kiss.

I wonder though. Does that mean we're dating now?

On the second last day before Sam took over, Mattie had an idea for our morning. We'd started just stealing kisses, brushes, smiles… for the past few days which was really cute. But as I had to leave for six months, he had the idea of us sleeping next to each other.

I only thank God he said 'next'.

As it turned out,we officially broke rule eight: Don't touch your vampire in a romantic way, and rule nine: Do not fall in love with your vampire (even though I had already broke that way earlier).

I woke up next to him. It was evening and it was the day… night, whatever that Sam would have me to 'remove the smell of Mattie' off of me.

"Good evening, Alice."

I blinked to find a gentle pair of emerald eyes looking at me.

"Good evening, Mattie." Smiling, I hugged him. It was warm under the covers with him.

Was it right to have done this?

Professional Alice perked up from her bed, an arm hanging out to stare at me. "It's a bit too late to have doubts, don't you think?"

"Mattie?" I asked.

"Hm?"

"Does this mean we're together?"

"If you want to be."

I lifted my head lazily to look at him. "What if I answer and you thought otherwise?"

"I'm pretty sure I won't." He rubbed his nose on the part between my eyes that made a 'v' when I frowned. Which was now.

"Then yes." They came out weak and quiet in my ears. "I want it very much."

"So do I."

I couldn't describe how happy I was when I heard that from him. It felt like my chest had swelled. A massive smile erupted on my face and I felt a bit embarrassed that he could see how happy he made me right now so I buried my head in his chest.

My phone started buzzing. Amy!

"Alice! I was expecting you to call but you never did." I heard her whine.

"Sorry, I'm a bit busy- I'm not right now." I added quickly.

I was sat on the island in the kitchen poking a spoon in my cereal and thinking about last night. What Mattie and I did… I felt my cheeks burn. I think Mattie was still lounging about upstairs…

"Still with assignments?"

What?

"Yeah." University! "I'm really just… dying."

"Listen… I know it's really short notice but since it's coming up Christmas, can you come out with me to do some shopping? You don't have to if you're still bogged down in work though."

Christmas? Right, it's November!

"Sure I can I just have to-"

A breeze caressed my face as Mattie appeared in front of me with his vampire speed. He'd been listening. And I knew that he could hear what Amy was saying.

There was something about him now that made me smile. Dressed in a navy blue gown with a smirk on his face he was a sight for sore eyes.

Or maybe it was because we both felt the same way. The thoughts that plagued my mind on his and Caim's relationship just disappeared in a poof of smoke. I didn't have to hide anything and most certainly the feelings I have for this vampire everyone seems to hate.

"You can join her if you want, you haven't seen her in awhile right?"

"Alice?" Amy's voice brought me back to her.

"Hold on a sec, okay?" I covered the phone a bit to address Mattie, "Are you sure? We only have tomorrow left then Sam's taking over."

He came toward me slowly until he stood right next to me so I had to swivel on the stool to face him.

"I can survive without you for a day, I think." His voice was gentle. The smirk was gone, replaced with a kind and warm face. I had a slight expectation that he would stroke my cheek or do something that was intimate but he didn't. Maybe he exhausted his resources for the past few days.

I kissed his cheek having to stand on the stool's supporting bars to reach the height, to say thank you.

I returned to the phone, "Amy?"

"Can you come?" She was trying to rid the excitement from her voice but I could hear it. Did she hear our conversation despite my hand blocking the mic?

"Sure. Where and when?"

Being at Rose is affecting me, I reasoned with myself. I'm underground and it's like Christmas isn't even allowed down there. I don't think I've seen one Christmas related item. Plus the weather above isn't really saying much either.

I remembered the rain at the party Sam and I went to. It was getting cold, there was no doubt about that. But the thing is, because Rose was underground you don't feel it. The air currents were the same.

So here I was wrapped up in a winter coat, a jumper and jeans. I completed the 'I-can't-seem-to-get-warm-enough' look with matching bobbled cabled hat, scarf and mittens.

Then again, I really don't think vampires even feel the cold.

I was early waiting in front of a café shop in town at five to eleven. Hoards of people passed by me and with my trained (or to be more accurate 'in training') eye, I noticed that some were vampires. If I had seen them during my early days at Rose, I might had needed to stare or even give them a second glance but now I was positive. I wouldn't have known the amount of vampires in broad daylight in human society even before knowing Rose.

"Boo!"

I jumped as a jab at my sides alerted me to Amy's arrival. She grinned. Her hair was loosely tied back not allowing it to cascade down her shoulders on her waterproof coat but there were always a few that waved in the breeze. She wore a dress with black tights and boots which left me wondering how is she not cold.

"Hey!" I smiled hugging her. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, you know I've been so excited for today." Amy's eyes lit up like a firework. "You have to absolutely promise me you'll start seeing me more often, okay?"

"Of course." I heard myself saying. It was an automatic reply. We started walking to nowhere in particular, I think. The air smelt of smoke, the sweet and coffee shop that was not too far in front of us and of other things that were carried over by the cold wind. The Christmas lights had a magical aura to it attracting children closer. Even if they were just cheap. Even If they had been put out the previous years.

"I remember though," Amy started without looking at me. "you were with a guy before, right?"

"Yeah?" For some reason I felt a need to protect Mattie. I didn't mean it when my answer sort of turned into a question, it sort of just came out like that. I guess I can't take that back anymore.
"Are you two together? I could help you get a Christmas present for him if you haven't done all your shopping yet?"

Are you serious? Does Amy know what happened last night? What's happening? Is something on my face? A million and one things ran through my head as the thought train pumped faster and faster around and around and-

I coughed. "Yeah, we are." Just ignore that burning sensation on your cheeks, Alice. You should be used to it after spending your waking hours permanently red faced!

She was right though even is she had no idea about Rose. I hadn't done any shopping. I tried to remember the previous Christmas that we had together with Caim, Mattie and I. But I couldn't think of a time when we did that tradition of having dinner together. Last year for example, they were away for the whole of December. Lonely when everyone was with their families, I was invited by another friend to spend Christmas at theirs. It was a good thing that I knew a bit about the parents otherwise. I guess back then I hoped that the next Christmas (this coming one), would be better but without Caim…

Amy brought me back to reality as she shook my arm. "Oh my God! Tell me he has a hot brother or friend!"

"Eh?" Her eyes burned into mine with her excitement. To be honest, I didn't even know if Mattie even had any siblings. I was never introduced to any so I assumed he was an only child. It was he same with his friends. With those at Rose giving him the evil eye, maybe all he had was Iain, Caim and I. And now one was gone.

"Come on, Alice!"

I looked away not knowing how to avoid Amy's persistence. I knew her for a long time but there were times when I just couldn't deal with her. "I-I'll ask him later."

Maybe I'd be struggling in the future with the restrictions Rose has.

Amy's grin could have brightened up the place. "Alice, you're the best!"

Over the next few hours we wandered around the shops until we decided to have some lunch when our feet felt like they were going to fall off. Because I think we actually went through every shop that was a priority. Sometimes I think we only explored some of them because we were in town and it was there.

By lunch Amy had gathered two bags full of fluffy items like socks, bears, hand warmers and the occasional box of gift sets. Amy had a sister, Rachel, who was three years younger. Amy spent a lot of humming on what her sister would want. Even though she had already bought them. On the other hand, I had no idea what to even get Mattie and Iain. My hands were still empty. Amy kept prodding me but even so.

"So?"

I sighed, "Honestly I'm not sure."

We weaved between people trying to stay close together as possible. There were times when you would do that shimmy when someone's blocking you and you have to apologise awkwardly, not knowing why you were apologising for in the first place.

Amy paused in front of a busy card shop, looking at the front display of teddy bears of different sizes all having fun at a Christmas themed party. Some bears were dressed as Santa, some as elves, there was even one with a set of reindeer horns I smiled at.

What would Mattie even like? Another mug? What does Mattie even like?

Professional Alice perked up just as Amy said she'll head in to get wrapping paper. As it was absolutely heaving, I didn't fancy waiting by her for the perfect card, choosing to wait outside.

What would Mattie like indeed?

I didn't want to give him a generic present. I've been with him for a good few years so I should have some idea, right?

Let's start from the beginning, Professional Alice said. When you think about Mattie, what do you think of?

I didn't even know how to answer that. Mattie's...

Mattie's...? She prompted, leaning ever closer to me with her hands behind her back as if it could emphasis her point.

Nothing came to mind. Mattie's... very open-minded and patient with me. Even as I said that, there was a part of me that had doubt. Like everything that had happened, these years knowing each other would disappear once I bare my heart out to him. Which was too late. Maybe I could hardly believe it. Rose's culture was so different to what I was used to even though I should be used to it after being here for so long.

My eyes grazed the shops on the other side. People passing seemed to be a blur, their faces too distorted to even tell if they were male or female. The Christmas rush made it worse. I couldn't grasp at anything much less think of what gift to even give the man I had fallen in love with.

I barely know this man. The sentence dropped like a bombshell. A pain in my chest flourished.

"Hey!"

I jumped out of my daze to see Amy with a bag of cards and another bear in her arms. She was smiling but her face fell when she saw me.

"Are you okay? You're really pale."

"Yeah..." I shook my head. It removed the thoughts but the feeling was still there, buried in my heart.

I was half focused on her.

And left the day empty handed.

Sam was already waiting in the hallway at Iain's office by the time the both of us arrived. With a small bag in hand and a black t-shirt and jeans, he leaned against the railing the same way Mattie had before.

Was it a vampire thing?

But no. Something seemed to stir downstairs. A bunch of people were entering Rose but there was a clear divide between those that were already inside and those entering. I couldn't see a difference between them, it looked like the way people didn't like Mattie for some weird reason.

His eyes narrowed when he looked at me which made me rack my brain for a reason as to why he did that.

Or maybe he was just trying to gauge how much 'smell' he had to remove.

Was Mattie's dislike rubbing off on me too?

Fuck sake.

There was a bang from behind which made me jump. Shit, what was that?

But it was the door. Iain had slammed it against the wall as he opened it. "You three, get the fuck in here now! We don't have much time."

I never saw Iain like that. A frown that seemed to easily form on that face that was always smiling. It was a weird sight.

Once we had all piled in and Ted was active Iain put a load of boxes on my lap.

"Iain, what-" I said.

"Have you seen the people outside? That's Paper. Those boxes there… they're everything that you need before you leave today."

"Today?" Mattie cried out.

Iain pointed at the boxes on my lap. "In there is an ear piece. It's very small so make sure you don't lose it when you get it out of the box."

I guessed that was what was inside the small box. There were some pieces of tissue paper that housed a small thimble like device. Beside it was a clear pear drop necklace with 3 red jewels inside it.

"Keep the earpiece and the necklace on you at all times."

I opened the next box as Mattie put the necklace around my neck. I put the piece in my ear.

"It's connected to a server that only you, James and Cindy can use. Cindy has the server and it's range is pretty wide. Should it be compromised, immediately stop using it and notify the others. It will be a problem afterwards but I know you guys will make do without."

I opened a box that looked like someone might propose to me. A pair of contact lenses were in it.

Iain continued, "Those contacts are cameras. Blink twice and the image will be taken and stored in the same server. It cannot record."

"Didn't you say something about signing something?" Sam said. "And what about the last day?"

"That's just it though. Paper is coming today. For some reason, an idiot downstairs misheard. That's them downstairs that just entered the building."

Ah, makes sense now but the obvious dislike?

"Yes, sign this, Alice." Iain took a couple sheets off his desk and passed it to me. It was the contract that he had told me about before.

I signed it then look a look at Mattie, sat next to me who hadn't said a thing. I was getting the knack of guessing Mattie's mood. I guessed it was uncomfortable or somewhere along those lines.

He was staring at the desk still as a rock. Emotionless.

I swallowed. How do I cheer him up before I leave?

Iain continued. Somehow there was a part of me that was paying attention to him despite seeing Mattie's reaction. "We can't go back now. Paper is here. Just say something along the lines of…" Iain shrugged, "you had to be with Mattie for undercover work, I don't know just something - if they ask of course."

"I suppose Paper is waiting for us." Iain said. He was checking his watch.

I have to say goodbye now?

I just stared wide eyed at Iain, turned to Sam then Mattie. They were staring at Iain like he had just grown another head. I couldn't think, couldn't really function in the moment that Iain was pressured into, pressuring us into. Say goodbye in this hurried moment? That's almost impossible?

"Iain…" I said. I was going to on the moment but Iain had interrupted me.

"Alice, we have to go now." Iain whined moving over to the door.

Shit! Once I leave this room, I can't look at Mattie the way I want to. Not for six months.

I hurried on my feet. "Sam, thank you for everything you've done for me during these past few weeks together."

"You're very much welcome." Sam stepped forward to give me his hand to shake. "I hope you don't fuck up the rules further by announcing to everyone that you're officially together."

My cheeks burned as I shook his hand. I somehow muttered a "I hope so". Clearing my throat I turned toward Iain saying, "thank you for putting up with me." I frowned. It sounds like I'm not coming back.

"Alice, it's my job to look out for you. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. But it was only when you and Caim came that I realised it wasn't a job anymore." He grinned. "I'll make sure you're coming back because if I don't, I'm pretty sure Mattie would be on my back like no tomorrow."

I shared his grin as I turned to hug Mattie. I wasn't too sure what I was supposed to say so I hid my face against his shirt. In response I felt his hand on my head.

Everyone was waiting outside just in front of the lift . Rose was covered with a night sky ceiling. The only thing that lit the pathway were the lamp posts glowing an orange light. Shadows played around on the grass as if children of the dark were playing football or some running sport. Just before us bathed in light were five figures which I guessed were Cindy and James with their managers. Plus someone from Paper. They were chatting among themselves when we arrived then stared at us quietly.

Why do people do that? That's so rude.

All of us walked in silence. It felt like an eternity.

"Marcus, where did the rest of Paper go?" Iain said. He was talking to James's manager. I didn't miss the frosty tone he gave when talking about Paper. Stressed, frosty and uncertain were the words I would describe the 'relationship' between Iain Wright and Rose's sister organisation.

"They left one." He motioned toward the base of the post. Standing behind it was a figure in black which was why I didn't see him (or her), before. That figure took a step forward into the light.

This woman was pale. She had a mane of black hair with glasses with large lenses. Dressed in a black suit jacket, matching skirt and a blue ruffled blouse she looked like she meant business.

Nodding her head as if she was counting how many of us were supposed to be here and how many actually arrived, she spoke. "My name is Mariah Fox, one of the senior executive managers at Paper. I oversee all of the projects that Paper conducts." She held out her hand toward me. "It's very nice to meet you."

I took her hand. "Hello." What else is there to say?

"As your colleague said, there's just me. The people you saw earlier were part of the managing department." Mariah said. "They're there to catch up on what has happened since the last time they were here."

"So? What's happening now?" James said.

Mariah pointed to a corner of the park, just behind the apartment building. It was a large vault door, the kind you imagine for bank vaults. I never really noticed it before. Heck, I've been here for more than two years and never noticed that.

"It leads to a labyrinth." Mattie said with a hint of reluctance. "That labyrinth leads to Paper and Gold. Only a select number of people and vampires know the way."

Talk about security freaks.

I looked at him. He was a statue. Well, shit. If I can't figure out if I'm leaving him on a happy note, I'll regret it. And if a vampire tells me their impression of Mattie… fuck off.

Iain was the same. He was staring at Mariah with narrowed eyes. I can't read his face at all.

Cindy's outburst brought me back to the issue at hand. "Goodbye, Rose! May you miss us while we're away!" In another frilly dress, this time a black one, she looked like she was dressed for another occasion.

She was waving frantically at the building behind us that had its lights blazing like the sun in outer space.

The next thing she did was run at me to give me a bear hug. Shocked, I stumbled back against Mattie for stability. "Cindy?" My voice sounded weird shocked. It was breathless.

"Let's be friends, Alice! We have six months together!"

"S-Sure." I gave her a half smile. It would have been a smile I used when I'm using Lucy's identity but I was still in awe at her sudden appearance in front of me. It reminded me that Mattie was still a vampire even though he doesn't need to be fed often.

It's how superior they are in every way.

Once she released me, I looked back. Rose was a second home to me.

I just have to find what happened in Mattie's past and I'm back.

I gave a smile to Iain before Cindy took my hand and lead me to a car that was waiting for us in the cover of darkness.

I waved at Mattie unable to give him a proper goodbye. Was that one? I hope he's okay with me leaving things like this.

The door of the car was already open. It looked like Mariah was our chauffeur rather than our… guide? Driver? Host? Whatever she was, she was standing behind the open car door waiting for us to get in. James was already inside, sat on his phone in the back passenger seat.

The assumptions was annoying me. "Bye Mattie, Iain!" I called. "I'll see you when I get back!"

Cindy pushed me into the car but I heard Mattie yell, "You'll be back, I'll make sure you do!"

Mariah shut the door and shortly later we drove off through that huge bank vault lolking door.

All I could do was stare at Mattie through the window.

Am I going to lose him again?