Chapter Nineteen
Lex watched the shadows as they crept along the floor. He was not accustomed to sleeping with the lamp on and hadn't realised quite how many patterns his tiffany lamp would cause across the hardwood floors. It was really rather interesting, it … Who was he kidding? It wasn't in the slightly bit interesting it was just the latest thing in a long string that he had been trying to occupy his mind with.
It wasn't working. Just as counting the number of parquet panels he could see hadn't. Trying to recite the all of the monarchs past and present in Europe in reverse order hadn't. Nor had the other ridiculous ideas he had come up with once he had decided that trying to think about anything serious wasn't going to work. Nothing could distract him from the woman who lay in his arms.
Chloe still laid where she had cried herself to sleep many hours ago, in his arms leaning against the headboard. He had clung to her as she had convulsed with sobs, genuinely afraid that she might actually break or make herself sick but powerless to help. When she had finally worn herself out he had replayed her tale over and over in his mind, trying to see if there was anything that he had missed. Anything that he could use to make her feel better, but there wasn't. He had then been through every plan he could come up with only to realise that they were all useless. Then he had started on the silly methods of distraction. Needless to say, those had also proved to be complete and utter failures.
He couldn't sleep. He didn't want to sleep. He didn't care how many hours had passed, didn't care what had gone on in the world outside. His only job in that moment was to try to put Chloe back together again. If only he had some idea of how to go about performing such a task.
Lex looked down at her, even after so long her face was still scared with tears. He clung to her helplessly. He had no idea how to make any of this better. She was miserable and he was partially responsible. Now all he could do was hold her.
At least in sleep she looked almost peaceful, if she could stay like that for a few more hours then maybe he would have worked out some way of making things right. Just as he was thinking this there was a buzzing noise coming from the bathroom. Lex groaned as he realised that he had left his cell phone in the pocket of his trousers. He was tempted to just ignore it, he knew enough of Chloe's sleeping habits to know that it wouldn't wake her up but then he thought that she had told Clark that she would call him. She had no doubt made similar promises to Lois and if they didn't get an answer then they were likely to barge in and neither of them needed that.
With a sigh he gently removed his arm from around Chloe's shoulders and laid her down properly in the bed and covered her up. He slipped out of bed and hurried to the bathroom, coming back into the room and sitting back down on the bed so that he could stroke her hair as he spoke on the phone. He had noticed that she fussed a little she lost the heat from his body, even though it had been replaced by the blanket.
"Hello", he said softly into his phone.
"Lex? Why are you whispering?" Clark's voice came from the other end of the line.
"I am whispering because Chloe is asleep and I don't want to wake her", he informed him calmly; he saw no reason to lie to his friend. If he took that as a subtle hint to leave Chloe alone, then so much the better.
"Oh, right", Clark said uncertainly. "I was just calling because I couldn't get through to Chloe on the number that she gave me and I was worried that something had happened to her".
"Her phone is probably in the office or in her bedroom", Lex said conversationally as he stretched his legs out on the bed. This was fun. It was just what he needed to distract himself for a few minutes from the fact that Chloe was hurting and that he couldn't help her.
"Oh … um … yes, of course", Clark mumbled.
Lex could hear some fussing in the background and wasn't surprised to overhear Clark explaining to Lois that Chloe was fine; her phone just wasn't turned on.
"But Chloe never turns off her phone", Lois complained.
"It is also in the other room", Clark added.
"Well then tell her to go and get it. Are you speaking to her now? Give me the phone". Lex smirked at Lois demonstration of temper as he thought that he couldn't have wished anything better on Oliver - she would make up for the way that Queen had treated him for all of those years at boarding school.
"Here you go, but not I'm not speaking to Chloe, I'm speaking to Lex", Clark sounded agitated.
"Is Chloe with him?" Lois demanded, from the odd sounds coming from the receiver probably grabbing the phone from Clark.
"Yes, but she is asleep", Clark informed him.
"Okay", Lois said, sounding appeased for a moment before asking Lex, "What are you doing in the same room as my cousin while she is asleep?"
"Watching her sleep", he answered easily.
"Because that's not too creepy".
"I am a Luthor", he reminded her.
"True, don't you get any ideas about my cousin", Lois said, "she is in a fragile emotional state and the moment and I don't want you to take advantage of her".
He swallowed. Winding Clark up had been fun but he really did regret what Lois had been put through, "I'm not going to take advantage of her. Look, I am sure that Chloe will kill me if she ever finds out that I have told anyone but she is having very bad nightmares. It helps to have someone with her."
"Oh", was the only response he received.
"I have got her to talk about most of them, hopefully that will help her to get passed this. But if not I have the finest therapists who can all be here within a matter of hours", he explained.
"Do you really think that it will come to that?" Lois asked, sounding overly brash which he had come to realise meant that she was really scared.
"I hope not but I'm really not sure. She had been through a lot, if professional help will assist her recovery then she will have it and she will submit to it even if it means that she ends up hating me", he said.
"She won't hate you", Lois assured him.
"Chloe is very kind but …"
"She won't hate you, trust me. I know her", Lois repeated. It wasn't for her to tell him about the crush that Chloe had had on him since her freshman year, but she knew that Chloe could never truly hate him and she figured that there was no harm in Lex being aware of that fact too, seeing as he had saved her life and was now attempting to do the same for her sanity.
"When she is awake and up to it, tell her to call one of us", Lois instructed him.
"I will".
"Okay, bye Lex", she paused as he said goodbye as well. "And thank-you for what you are doing for her". Lois then hung up before he could do anything more than look at the phone in shock. People didn't thank him.
Chloe stirred.
"Who was that?" She wondered. Apparently Lex had overestimated her ability to sleep ever so slightly, and his conversation with her cousin had in fact woken her up.
"It was Clark and Lois, they were just checking to see if you were alright. I'm sorry to have woken you but there is nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep", he said softly turning his phone onto silent.
This seemed to satisfy her for a moment and she nuzzled her pillow, then her eyes popped open. "Lois and Clark?"
"Yes", he was surprised by her sudden outburst.
"Why were they calling? What's the time?" She pushed herself up with her arms.
Lex looked at her in confusion, not certain what the time had to do with anything, or what time it was actually. He looked at his phone and informed her, "It is 10 to 12".
"In the morning?"
"In the morning", he confirmed. "Although not for much longer".
"I have to get up", Chloe announced as she attempted to do just that.
"You don't have to get up", he assured her, "you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. Work can wait".
"No, it's not that", Chloe said as she untangled her legs from the covers.
"Then what is it?" He wondered getting up and walking around the bed to her.
"I wasn't meant to be here in the morning", she informed him too concerned with getting her foot free to realise what she had just let slip.
He stopped at this. "You weren't supposed to be here in the morning?" He repeated.
"No", she tugged her t-shirt down so that it was covering her.
"You weren't supposed to be in my bed in the morning or you weren't supposed to be in the mansion in the morning?" There was a dangerous edge to his voice, which came from pain.
"The first. Both. I don't know", she said a little confused, "I just wasn't supposed to be here", she tried to walk around him to the door – she had to get out of here and quickly if she was going to gather her thoughts- but felt herself being held.
"What do you mean you weren't supposed to be here? You were just going to leave in the middle of the night without telling me?" He demanded, the thought of her just disappearing like that making his blood boil.
"I mean that I wasn't supposed to be here in the morning. I wasn't supposed to be here last night", she tried to get out of his grip but Lex wasn't having any of it.
"That's not good enough Chloe, you owe me an explanation". He knew that that wasn't the right thing to do, that that would just raise her ire but at that moment he didn't care. He didn't care if that meant that they were going to have a blow-out row. They were going to have this out and she wasn't going to walk out on him.
She tried to wrench herself out of his grip but it didn't work, she only succeeded in hurting her arms. Seeing this, Lex lifted her and threw her on his bed, in a minute he was on top of her pinning to the bed. He didn't really think about what he was doing, he just knew that he had to restrain her and not let her leave without hurting her.
"Let me go!" She spat at him.
"Not until you tell me what you were planning on doing", he straddled her hips.
"I … I don't know", Chloe almost shouted, sounding desperate. "Don't you get it? I don't know what I'm doing from one minute to the next anymore".
"And don't you get that I don't know how to help you unless you tell at least a little bit of what you are feeling, even if it makes no sense?" Lex could see that she was starting to panic.
"Who asked you to help me?" She demanded.
"You did", he shot back. "Maybe not in words but he came to me in the middle of the night because you couldn't sleep alone, you let me hold you, you let me in. You can't now just clam up and act like none of this ever happened".
She turned her head away from him.
"Tell me Chloe, did you plan on leaving in the morning even as you came to me last night?" He demanded.
"Yes".
His heart sank.
The silence weighed on her and she knew that he was right; she did him an explanation – or at least as much of an explanation as she could pull together. "I couldn't sleep again. I was so exhausted and I tried to take tablets but … it didn't work. I was sick and I just couldn't help but think that if I could just have you hold me again that I would feel better. I used you, just like I used Jimmy", she was numb. "I don't blame you for being mad".
"I'm not mad that you came to me. I'm mad that you thought of leaving. That was always the plan. To get a good night's sleep so that you would be well rested for your departure?"
"Not exactly", she searched for the words, "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't make my brain work and I thought that if I didn't wake up with you then it wouldn't count. I could pretend that it hadn't happened but that after a full night's sleep I might be able to think straight. There are so many things whirring around in my brain and they won't stay still long enough for me to make sense of them".
He transferred both of her wrists into only one of his hands so that the other one was free to stroke her cheek. He was angry, he was hurt, but he couldn't help but respond to the anxiety in her voice.
"Do you want to leave me?" He finally summoned the courage to ask.
"No", she answered honestly, "but in the harsh light of day, I think that I must. At night I can pretend that none of it exists, but that doesn't change the facts".
"And what are the facts?" He inquired, already decided that whatever these facts were he wasn't going to let them come between them.
"The first is that I am evil", she couldn't look at him as she rattled off the list of her evil doings. "My own mother couldn't love me. I put my father in danger and even now cannot be the good daughter I should be. I didn't realise that one of my best friends was in love with me and ended up hurting him. I was in love with my other best friend and when he didn't return my feelings I plotted to hurt him. I disrupted my Uncle's life for years and that of several army bases. I almost destroyed my own cousin whilst masquerading as the other one. I used one of the sweetest men on the face of the planet and ended getting him killed. His brother will forever be alone because of what I did. I hurt you over the years and put you in a terrible position and now I have used you as well".
"Chloe I …"
"Don't", she cut him off. "If you knew the whole story then you would hate me".
"I could never hate you", he knew that it was the truth as he said it. He could never hate her. Everything that he had just said, he could find an excuse for. "What is the whole story? What are the facts which you think mean that you have to leave?"
"I killed your father".