21. A LETTER

Shell Cottage
Order of the Phoenix Meeting

It had been four days since Severus had been called away to the Dark Lord's side and she had last seen him. Dumbledore had assured her that he was safe, as he had managed to make contact in the way that he always did. It turned out that they had been using the spelled coins that Hermione had created for The D.A back in her fifth year to communicate with each other. It pleased her to know that something she had made so long ago was being used by two of the world's most powerful wizards, and yet she felt utterly miserable. She would hardly be able to create anything like it now. She just wasn't as capable as she used to be. She was a better witch at sixteen that she was now at twenty-three. It wasn't okay. She was still uncomfortable with her magic. The only places that she ever felt comfortable with a wand in her hand were The Burrow, and Severus' quarters. She couldn't expect he or her friends to be around her all the time. One day she would have to perform magic alone.

As Hermione approached Shell Cottage, she felt a swell of excitement. Severus would be there, Albus had promised. No matter how awkward they had left their conversation, at least they could finish it now. Hermione relayed the events and conversation of her last night with Snape, with Lavender and Susan, as they used a coffee cup, that worked as an unregistered port key from Hogwarts to Bill and Fleur's house.

"Relationships shouldn't be that difficult" Lavender griped. "If two people want to be together, they should be together. Why do men have to make things so bloody difficult? They've always got one foot out of the door..."

"Dean giving you trouble again?" Susan asked, gently.

"Of course. I thought we were doing well, you know? Things seemed to be falling back into place finally, but nope! He says that he wants to cool off for a while. Honestly, you'd think that with a bloody war on that he'd want to lock this down before one of us keels over, but apparently not!"

"Jesus, Lavender!" Hermione said with a wry laugh, "that's a bit morbid."

"I know. I think Bones is rubbing off on me."

Susan chuckled.

"I sure hope so. But seriously, you know, it's not just a guy thing. Girls are just as bad. Katie's been driving me mad for weeks now. She says she doesn't want to 'ruin our friendship', which I get, but... I've seen her naked, so I think platonic friendship is out the window, you know?"

Hermione sighed and put her arm around Susan.

"Severus is exactly the same. He's like 'I think that us being together would be a mistake', while I'm sitting there in the altogether thinking 'well... clearly the mistake has already been made, idiot'. Honestly!"

"If you can't lock down Snape, none of us stands a chance, to be honest, Mimi", Lavender said. "Anyway, we'll all be seeing our respective partners once we step through that door, so... ladies... game plan?"

Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Does it have to be a game, Lavender?"

"Yes!" she snapped, "if you don't play the game, how do you expect to win?"

"Fine", Hermione said, "what do we do?"

"Bones. You need to keep your distance from Katie. If the only reason she doesn't want to be with you is to save your friendship then she needs to see that the friendship will be altered either way. Find every single woman in the bloody place and laugh your ass off, got it, Bones?"

Susan gave an exasperated sigh and nodded her head.

"Hermione", Lavender continued "you need to be inescapable. You and Snape are already together, he just hasn't realised it yet. Which is funny really... isn't he supposed to be smart? I would have thought better of him. Well, not 'better'... different. I still can't say I understand entirely what you see in him-"

Hermione narrowed her eyebrows.

"Right, gotcha! I promised I wouldn't judge and so I shan't. Anyway, you want to spend every minute you can in his presence. You should be all over him. I'm talking huge PDAs. Everyone should know by the end of tonight that you and Snape are an item."

"That's terrible advice", Susan said dryly, "just give him time, Hermione."

Lavender flipped her long blonde curls off her shoulder.
"Fine, don't take my advice. I plan on flirting with George Weasley."

"He's married!" Susan protested.

"Damn, I forgot. Fine, I'll find another Weasley!"

Hermione laughed.
"Actually... they're all married."

Lavender slumped her body over in an unnatural and amusing arch.

"Damn! Are we the only single witches left on the planet?"

Susan stiffled a laugh with a puff of air.

"Gods, L, you're talking like you're an old maid."

"I feel like an old maid. Oh Gods. It's almost time; we should go in. Everyone remember what you're to do?"

"Yes..." Susan said "... we're to ignore every single word you just said and try to act normally."

"Oh bite me, Bones!"

"What will be, will be".

"What will be, will be what I will it to be", Lavender said with a sharp nod of her head.

Hermione and Susan both screwed up their faces in confusion.

"I'm going to need you to translate that", Susan joked.

Lavender, Susan and Hermione laughed among themselves as they walked up the path to Shell Cottage. Their laughter turned immediately to dust when they entered the living room and all eyes were on them. Each face was solemn, and everyone was silent. The atmosphere was thick and troublesome. Lavender's eyes were wide as she moved her head close to Hermione's. Susan craned her neck so that she too could hear.

"Well, we came in here with the wrong energy..."

"Tell me about it", Hermione said.

Susan grinned at Lavender when she caught a familiar pair of brown eyes from across the room.

"See you soon", Susan said and moved swiftly towards Katie.

Hermione perched on the arm of the sofa next to Harry.
"What's going on?" she whispered.

"Nobody knows but Dumbledore was in here just before you arrived and his face was thunderous. We're all a little scared to be honest. Something big is happening. McGonagall was saying that she overheard Dumbledore and Snape talking about tightening Hogwarts defences. We think it's about to happen."

Hermione turned to Lavender who had followed behind her.
"Something big has happened", she said, keeping her voice low so that only Lavender could hear her. "They're frightened."

"Gods", Lavender said, and her voice cracked "I've been so wrapped up thinking about what's going on with Lee that I think I forgot how serious it all is..."

"I know", Hermione said softly, "me too."

Dumbledore entered the room in a flurry of his cloak that made him appear like a silvery Severus Snape. He moved to the centre of the room and without his usual preamble, he began to talk. His voice was quicker and higher than usual, but it was steady. As always, he had command of the room, and he was collected and in control.

"It is time", he said "Lord Voldemort plans to make his move on the school within the fortnight. We do not know when exactly but we are to set up in The Come and Go Room at first light. We need all hands on deck."

Not a word was spoken but the room was heavy with fear and questions.

"I have a plan. Those of The Order that are privy to the information given in exchange for the unbreakable vow will know what I am talking about when I say that we have almost completed this mission. There is only one thing left to find. I shan't say any more or I risk dropping dead and I can't be of much use from beyond the grave."

He smiled stiffly.

"The school will not be evacuated. I wish it were different, but we simply cannot in good conscience, send the children home. To evacuate means that Voldemort would know that we were prepared for him and he would realise that he has a leak in his organisation. I am not willing to risk Severus' life and I hope that you would all agree."

Murmurs filled the room but nobody fought the notion.

Good, Hermione thought. You're damn right.

"That doesn't mean that either will we risk the children's lives", Dumbledore continued, "as I said, we have a plan. I have asked that the house ghosts quietly move their students to the Come and Go Room, one year at a time starting with the youngest, on the day of the attack. Any students who are of age who wish to fight may do so. The children will be filtered into The Hog's Head where there are currently 64 unregistered port keys that will transport them to Grimmauld Place. The top floor of Grimmauld Place has been altered and extended so that it has a capacity of around 400. I think that should be more than enough. Ginevra, Fleur and Juliette; I would ask that you are there to receive the children. I would request that Aberforth, Mr. Thomas and Mr. Finnegan facilitate the children's journeys from The Hogs Head. Is that acceptable to you all?"

All six Order members nodded. They clearly had their concerns, but Juliette and Fleur, in particular, looked truly frightened. It must be even more terrifying to face The Dark Lord, Hermione thought, when you're literally carrying a life you need to protect at all costs.

Hermione caught her thoughts. 'The Dark Lord' - that beautiful Death Eating bastard is rubbing off on me, she thought. He was not yet present and she so sorely missed him.

"I would ask that all able-bodied witches and wizards do their part to protect the school with all possible enchantments from the moment we see their forces arrive. However, Minerva I would like you and Filius to lead the charge as you are our most gifted wandsworkers."

The witch in burgundy robes nodded, and Filius said "yes" in a solemn squeak.

"Hagrid, I will put you to the task of helping to direct the centaurs, since it is because of you that we have their assistance this time. They will listen to you, even if they do so reluctantly. Horace; Miss Granger - I would ask that you work alongside Poppy in the hospital wing to provide any and all potions she needs."

It occurred to Hermione then that she'd spent so much time and energy worrying about Severus, that she might have improved her recipes by now. She still had many healing draughts on hand, but she only had two weeks, at most to figure out how to dramatically decrease their stewing time, and she needed the stewing time to decrease to hours, not days or weeks.

"Everyone else... I would ask you to fight. Try to stick to two on one combat. I ask you all to pair up. I know it might seem counter-intuitive, but I believe that we will always be stronger if we fight together. I would expect you all to have each other's backs to the very end. Anyone who does not wish to fight should send me an owl later this evening and I will put you to work in Grimmauld place or the hospital wing. If you wish to leave the country entirely, that is your prerogative. You will receive no judgment from me. Not everybody is able. I understand that."

His face fell bleaker still.

"We are in our last days. If anyone knows of somebody who wishes to join The Order please direct them to Minerva. She will put them to work. Now... speaking of new recruits. This brings us to our next order of business."

Dumbledore coughed gently.
"Severus?"

Snape entered the room on command, with a billow of his black cloak and Hermione felt her heart jump up into her throat. It took every ounce of her strength not to run to him and fling her arms around him. The lioness in her chest screamed 'look at me', 'look at me!' and as though he heard her roar, he turned to face her, and his eyes lit up. The sight filled her with relief, but it was short-lived when she saw who stood behind him.

"What the hell is he doing here?!" Ron yelled.

Behind Severus Snape, stood a rather sheepish looking Lucius Malfoy. Gone were his typical arrogant posture and handsome good looks. He looked decades older than he had the last time Hermione had seen him in the Ministry. His eyes were weary; surrounded by ominous dark circles. He held his body in a slump, as though time and circumstance had physically pushed him down and made him small.

"I've come to fight..." Lucius said.

There was no Malfoy drawl, only a flat and frightened voice. The sound pierced through Hermione. How had Voldemort ruined so many lives- even those of his most loyal servants?

"They have returned to fight for us", Dumbledore said.

When a cacophony of voices sprang from all sides of the room, Dumbledore held his hand out to silence them.

"We do not have time to argue," he said, sharply. "I have offered the Malfoy family our protection, in exchange for them fighting for us. They will stay loyal, I have no doubt. Lord Voldemort has put an order out on their deaths because they deserted him. Death Eaters found them; they fled. Severus found them and they are now on our side now. I hope that you will accept their conversion in the same way that you have accepted Severus'... even though you have done so begrudgingly."

Molly spoke up next. Her voice shook on the first few words, but she soon found her voice.

"We only struggled to accept Snape had turned because we didn't know what made you so sure that he was ours... and not... his."

There was no judgment in her voice, nor anger or suggestion. It was merely a statement and one that Hermione could understand.

"We don't know why you came over to us", Molly said, directing her words to Severus, who looked grateful to be finally included in the conversation since he was the matter at hand.

"Are you asking, Molly?" Snape asked, stiffly.

"N- Yes, Severus. I'd like to know."

Snape raised an eyebrow.
"You've never asked before?"

"Before you would have bitten her head off... probably quite literally", Ron said, defensively. "You might still, I don't know..."

Severus looked at Hermione and she nodded at him, very gently. He swallowed hard, sighed heavily and locked eyes with Molly.

"Might I speak with you in private?"

"Of course", Molly said.

"We want to know too", Ron said, with a snip. "Mum's not the only one with reservations."

He looked cautiously at Hermione, but she tried her best to keep her face indifferent.

"Can it wait?" Dumbledore said with a sigh.

"I'd like to know too", Harry said.

Dumbledore would not deny him. He looked at Severus and shrugged, as if to say 'sorry, I tried'.

Severus straightened his back and took a deep breath.

"It was because of Lily", he said flatly. "It was because I cared for her."

Molly tilted her head.
"You cared for her?"

"She was my best friend."

Snape took another sharp breath and continued.

"In fact, actually... I felt- I was very much... in love... with her."

Hermione's eyes shot wide and a flutter of excited whispers ate into the silence. Snape flashed an awkward glance at Harry and then moved his fiery gaze back to Molly. As though letting go of his secret released him from his shackles, his body relaxed and he spoke freely from then on.

"I loved her, and The Dark Lord meant to kill her... and James and Harry. He had tried to do so before but I did not care much either way. I was jaded and I was... corrupt. It was I that heard the prophecy about Harry and The Dark Lord. It was I who relayed that information back to him. It was I who..." his voice cracked, and Hermione noticed a single tear form in the bud of his eye. "It's my fault she's dead."

Snape actively avoided Harry's gaze.

"I begged The Dark Lord to spare her. Yes, her - Lily - not Harry or his father. He refused me. I asked Albus to protect them; he asked me what I would give him in return. I told him I would give him anything to protect her. He asked for my loyalty and I so gave it to him. I turned spy. When she died... when..."

Severus finally turned to Harry and locked his black eyes on those precious green ones.

"... When they died, Albus persuaded me to protect you to honour Lily's memory. I have tried to do that. I have acted as double, nay triple agent, for these last ten years. It is because I cared so for your mother that I have done my best to protect you... I did it all for her. I admit I have not done it all that well but you are alive, at least. I deeply regret my actions, but you should know that deplorable as I was, I am not that person any longer. I am now-"

Harry cut him off and Severus blanched as his words hit him.

"I don't think I want to hear any more", he said coolly. "I thank you for the truth. Thank you for risking your life for me, but I don't know how easily I can forgive you."

"I understand. I do not expect your forgiveness."

Harry gave him a single jerk of his head in understanding.
"Just so you know though, Snape... they're not dead because of you. Not entirely. There was Pettigrew too, but mostly, they're dead because of Voldemort. They might well have died without the prophecy. As you said, he'd tried to kill them before."

"Perhaps", Snape said, and he dropped his head.

"Right, then", Dumbledore said. "Back to the matter at hand."

Molly piped up again, with a gentle question.
"Sorry, Albus. One moment. I would like to ask why you have stayed on our side after all these years?"

"Revenge, maybe?" Snape said.

"Revenge against the man who killed the woman you were in love with twenty years ago? It sounds mad, Severus." Molly said, her round race was filled with an expression of concern rather than judgment or anger.

"Sorry, you misunderstand me. I do not mean that I loved her twenty years ago. I mean to say that I have been in love with her for these last twenty years. You see, up until recently-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH", Dumbledore roared. "I am sorry to interrupt this confession, as I do believe it to be very good for your tortured soul, Severus, but we do not have the time."

His voice was punctured, as though punctuated with exclamation marks. Dumbledore's speech faded into background noise as Severus' words spun round in her mind like a record, except that the record was playing backwards and all she heard was satanic verses and subliminal messages. She gritted her teeth as she replayed them, this time slowly and carefully, hoping to fill in the blanks. Hermione raised her eyes, and saw that Severus was staring intently at her. His eyebrows fell and drew together; his lips pouted and any colour that he had drained to brilliant white. He looked as though he was in great pain. Could he possibly hurt as much as she did? His gaze became more intense and Hermione had to look away. She drifted off to somewhere in her mind in which she didn't have to deal with Severus' drama. She was so tired of drama. Lavender was right, wasn't she? Relationships shouldn't be this difficult.

Hermione came back to the room as Dumbledore said finally:
"... at the Come and Go Room at sun up. Thank you."

Lavender grabbed Hermione by the hand.
"You okay?" she asked. "That must have been rough".

Hermione looked at Ron, whose face was outraged. He was one of the few people who knew the true nature of Hermione and Severus' relationship, and she could tell that he was torn between keeping the secret, and boxing Severus square in his hooked nose.

"Come on", Lavender said, "let's go."

Hermione gave a last look at Severus who was making towards her, in a rush, before he was pulled back by Lucius Malfoy.

"We need to leave" Malfoy hissed.

"Right", Snape said, "in a minute, I need to speak to Hermione. I'll be back in a..."

Lucius tightened his grip on Snape.
"You are our only friend, Severus. We need you right now. Please!"

Lucius' words seemed to shock Severus as much as they did Hermione. Severus hung back on his heels and as though the hesitation was too much for Lucius, he grabbed Severus tightly by his arm, drew his wand and in a heartbeat, they had disapparated.

Hermione spent much of the next day alone in Severus' quarters. He wouldn't return any time soon, she knew, but she wanted access to all of her research and it seemed as good a place as any to wait for him to return and finish pulling out her heart. She wanted a day to just feel sorry for herself, but time refused to stop even if she did.

Hermione decided instead to use the time to complete her potion work. She'd been so close to creating a healing potion for a werewolf bite just six weeks ago and now she couldn't even find the recipe she'd been working on. Thinking about Snape was messing with her head. She was only working at about fifty percent capacity, which still made her brighter than a lot of other witches and wizards her age, but it was devastating not to have full use of her brain. Her brain had never failed her before, she thought. But then again, that wasn't true. It had failed her, and it continued to fail her, ever since she'd walked out on Ron all those years ago.

Except that this time, she was not going to fall apart. She was Hermione fucking Granger, and she could do anything if she put her mind to it. All she had to do, was believe that she could.

Her first stroke of inspiration hit when she pulled down a vial of Wit-Sharpening potion from Snape's shelves, and drank it all down.

The second wave of genius came shortly after.

She pulled a second bottle down - a tiny teardrop-shaped glass bottle with a cork stopper, containing perfectly clear liquid. Felix Felicis.

With Felix's help, Hermione finally put the missing piece of the puzzle together, and realised to her surprise, that she may well have just created the world's first cure for the werewolf bite. She couldn't be entirely sure that it worked and it's not like she had a whole queue of people with werewolf bites that she could try to cure. Although, she did know a werewolf, and she knew a man who'd survived a run in with one. Perhaps she could go to them. They would be in the Room of Requirement.

Yes. That was the right thing to do. She didn't know why she knew it, but she was certain. Or rather, Felix was.

As she ran through the hallways of Hogwarts, Hermione chased away the thoughts of Severus and Lily. If Lavender was right and love was a game, how could she possibly ever win if her main competitor wasn't even aware they were playing. She tried to shake the thought from her mind but still it pressed. There were bigger things at stake than even she and Severus. Not that anything in the world could feel more pressing; more urgent. Why was it that the world demanded her attention when her attention was so desperate to be elsewhere?

I need to shake these thoughts of you she thought, and as though the lucky potion in her veins had been ready and waiting to hear her cry, Hermione turned a corner and screeched to a halt as she very nearly collided with a low flying barn owl.

That was lucky, she thought.

The owl dropped to the floor before her and flapped its wings impatiently/ Hermione took an envelope from its talons and patted it gratefully on its downy head. Severus' scrawled hand read simply 'Hermione' on the front and a thick black, wax stamp - an ornate, gothic 'M' for Malfoy - sealed the back.

My Love,

How do I even begin such a letter? We were cut off before I could finish explaining my feelings for Lily, and I did not get a chance to catch you after The Order meeting. Now I fear that you are under the wrong impression. I am so sorry if I have been the cause of your pain once more. If you would allow it, I would like to explain myself; I would like to finish the conversation we started. I hope that you will read this letter in its entirety, but I will understand if you tear it to pieces.

I still have affection for Lily; I will always. You see, Lily can only ever be perfect to me because she is frozen in time. I became obsessed with her because she can never let me down. I hope that you can understand how that might have been attractive to someone like me. Somebody who has been hurt by every person in his life. Make no mistake, I understand that often I have been hurt due to my own recklessness and darkness; I can admit that. But I can only admit it now because I have, I believe, grown and changed in these past months. That is almost entirely because of you. You see, Hermione, you are not like Lily.

You know that I had been with no woman all my life, and I told myself it was because I loved Lily and I would never betray her. I believed that I did not deserve to even entertain the idea of happiness with somebody else. I had betrayed her and it broke my heart, knowing what I did to her and to her family. I owed her a life so I paid with my own. She could never be happy again because of me and so I did not want to be happy either. I had resigned myself to a life of despair. I thought I would die in misery. I had yet to meet somebody who made me want to live in joy. And then, without warning, there you were.

I was so ready to let go of her - twenty years was long enough - but nothing I did could sever our connection. Then you came along with your beautiful face and your incredible mind, and you pulled me out of the grave I had dug myself, and you loved me. That pink smoke wrapped its fingers around my twisted fondness for you and it changed me. It began to push Lily aside and started to remind me that I had spent a lifetime in love with a dead woman. It tried to show me that I did not have to live a cursed life; that I could still love and be loved, if I just allowed it.

I'm sorry I didn't see what was happening at the time. All I knew what that I was both terrified of and desperate for your love. Every time I went to see Bellatrix, I felt such shame. I would leave you and your love in my bed and go to her when called like a dog. Each act with her felt like a betrayal of you and the gift you had offered me, and I knew I couldn't accept it. I couldn't let you love me. So I would pull away from you, but I couldn't walk away, because although I could not understand why, I needed you. I resented it, truth be told. I hated how much I had come to depend on you. I would return to your love and take it greedily and desperately. I was caught between wanting to push you away, and wanting to hold on to you for dear life. I'm sorry it has taken me these long months to understand it all, but I finally do and I am a better man for it.

Hermione, by allowing me to love you, I am afraid that you may have tied yourself to me for life- perhaps longer still; I have been known to love beyond the grave after all. I loved Lily - yes, loved her, Hermione, in the past - because she was the only person I had. Yet you have filled my life with people and even friendships (if you can believe it?) and still I love you more than I could have ever known possible. And more so, you return my feelings. Reciprocated love is worth a thousand unrequited loves. I hope you know that.

You do not have to compete with a ghost. Not ever. I am in love with you. Not Lily. Not anymore. Only you. And I love you with everything I have. I've been a desperately broken man, but with each day that passes and you still love me, the more I feel whole. The more whole I feel, the more I have to love you with, and the more I can give to you.

Your love is a restorative magic that I have not earned. I truly do not deserve you but I promise that I will love you with everything I have and I will give you everything I am able and I promise that I will one day finally deserve you. I owe you my life. Anything you ask, is yours. If what you want is for us to be together, officially and openly, then you have it. You have me; all of me. Because with every fibre of my broken being; with every ounce of strength I have, Hermione, I love you. I swear it.

With all my love,
Yours only and always,

S

AN: I've written and re-written and edited this chapter to pieces and I keep coming back to this fluffy nonsense. I'm only a tiny bit sorry about it. Thanks for humouring me so far, hahaha.