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Okay, for starters, I put the last chapter as seventeen, and – oh. Never mind. It's supposed to be 17.
I'm going to spare you the super long A/N, and just say that this is chapter 18 and I hope you enjoy.
Dedications: This chapter is dedicated to You're Gonna Go Far Kid and Womanizer for being awesome songs, Richelle Mead for writing the Vampire Academy series (even though I'm mad about Mason –sobs- and Dimitri –sobs slightly less vigorously for some unknown reason-) and for creating the amazing hotness that is Adrian (who I'm going to marry cuz he's awesome and has the bestest last name ever and Rose isn't bothering with him) and the exactness that is Dimitri (-swoons at sexy Russianness-), Alex for volunteering to beta Reclusion for me (GO BETA NOW!) and for just plain being awesome, and Robert Plant for being the lead singer of Led Zeppelin (which I like to share with everyone) and having the last name "Plant".
Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight, and I'm sorta glad cuz it's kinda getting old now. It was awesome when we were the only people to know about it, but now that the new generation Twilighters are around and uber obsessive and relating everything in the book to the movie, it's not as great as it once was. But that's fine, cuz I've always known that Pellinor was better and will always be better. And I still have that and MR and aGaTB and tMI and VA and all those other amazingtastic books I read AND IEWIS Land (which is SO better than Twilight). So I'm good.
Oh, and the whole "anonymous hate club" thing isn't mine either. It belongs to InsaneGrizzlies, my amazingtastically arotastic FF buddy. Just for future reference.
Chapter Eighteen: OC-less and Still Have Pants On –Sigh-
Chelsea: Hello Aro fans!
Heidi: Yeah. Hi.
Chelsea: So, since this chapter is OC-less, the regular hosts couldn't be in it and The Writrice asked us to step in since we are important Volturi members and she kept forgetting we existed.
Heidi: Nice.
Chelsea: So, instead of saying something random and slightly witty like the normal hosts would do, we're just gonna go straight to the episode.
(Cuts to OC-less Castle Volturi)
Aro: So that's what happens when you put rabbits in the carburetor.
Caius: Slushie?
Marcus: That's pretty much what the man said.
Caius: AWESOME.
Aro: I know, right?? ANYhoodles-
Caius: NOODLES?!
Aro: No, my friend. Hoodles.
Caius: Why not noodles?
Aro: If you want noodles, go buy a porn magazine intended for women and let me get back to my point.
Caius: NOODLES! –runs off to buy cheap porn-
Marcus: Mom always did say he was the gifted child.
Aro: Mom also thought you would one day be gay.
Marcus: Moi? A homosexual? Why, the very idea of it!
Aro: My point was that mom had an uncanny ability to predict the future.
Marcus: Yeah…hey!
Alec: -walks in just in time-
Aro: Alec, my darling! How are you?
Alec: I'm an uber sexy emo kid whose sister makes people hurt themselves. How do you think I am?
Aro: -ignores last statement- Uber sexy…?
Marcus: -also ignores- …Emo?
Caius: -runs in- I FOUND NOODLES!
Aro: Oh dear Lord.
Marcus: Oooh let me look!
Aro: Alec, let's you and I go somewhere…not here.
Alec: Sure. Whatevvs home skillet.
Aro: Sweet!
Alec: -sigh- No Hitler Biscuits today, I suppose.
Aro: -poofs himself and Alec to Cullen household-
Bella: Aro, my love!
Aro: Bella darling! However are you doing?
Bella: Well, my husband ran away to go chase the Ghostbusters and get an autograph, which makes me terribly lonely.
Aro: If you're REALLY lonely, you can borrow Caius's magazine.
Bella: What kind of – Ohhh. Okay.
Caius: -poofs in randomly- NOODLES!
Bella: LET ME SEE!
Marcus: ME TOO!
Jasper: -with squirrel army- I WANNA SEE TOO!
Alec: What is it with you people and seeing naked men?
Caius: They have noodles and the ladies don't.
Alec: Yes, because that makes it okay for a male to look at naked men.
Marcus: Stop being such a sourpuss.
Aro: Sour PUSS?!
Bella: I knew it.
Emmett: -strolls in singing something having to do with Newalta and a plant named Robert-
Bella: EMMETT, GUESS WHAT!!
Emmett: Whaaaat?
Bella: Alec's a female.
Emmett: Of course. Everyone knows that.
Marcus: Wait. If Alec's a woman, why isn't he more interested in the porno?
Aro: He doesn't swing that way, if you know what I mean. And don't say porno.
Alec: I used to like men…but then I met your mom.
Dimitri: -comes out of nowhere- OHHH DISS!!
Emmett: Nice.
Edward: -walks up to see everyone crowded around porno- Bella?
Bella: …yes?
Edward: Why are you looking at cheap male prostitutes? (A/N: Just your average mistress with a penis…) Am I not sexy enough for you?
Bella: Of course. –drools over Edward for a few- I was just so LONELY…
Edward: When I'm lonely I play Connect Four with the squirrel army.
Bella: Why didn't I think of that?
Emmett: You wouldn't have been able to even if you HAD thought of it because Jasper was busy being lonely with the squirrels. IF you know what I mean…
Bella: No, I- Ohhhh. I see. Ew.
Jasper: You weren't dumped by your girlfriend for a stinky dog, so don't even comment.
Alice: -bursts out of house with pink bathrobe on- Jazzy, my love!
Jasper: Back off, -insert expletive of your choice here-
Alice: But Jaz-
Jasper: I don't wanna hear it. –walks away-
Alice: Jasper! –runs after him and the two continue to bicker like a married couple-
Bella: We're still waiting for them to forget the whole "betrayal" thing and just get a room.
Alec: I would have, if I were Jasper.
Bella: We all know you would.
Alec: Hey, watch it. I may be lez, but I'm not a complete idiot. I know when people are making fun of me.
Bella: Of course you do. Which is why we're dying your hair blonde.
Alec: Why blonde?
Bella: Uhhh….more sex appeal.
Emmett: Sure…that's why.
(Forty minutes later…)
Alec: I'm blonde now! Yesssss……
Aro: Wow. He looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Alec: Aren't they those fat little dolls with the signatures of their molesters on their asses?
Aro: Yeah…
Alec: I always thought they were cute.
Aro: I always thought elephants were cute, but that doesn't mean I'd want to look like one.
Alec: Aren't they those big grey wrinkly things that remind me of my dead grandmother?
Aro: Yes.
Alec: But those aren't cute.
Aro: It's all opinion. I think elephants are cute, you don't. I think you're an idiot, you're too blonde now to care.
Alec: Whatevvs. Where are my biscuits?
Aro: Alexa's not here. No Hitler Biscuits today.
Marcus: That reminds me: how come the OCs are gone and I still have my pants on?
Aro: I don't know, but nobody wants to see you without pants, my brother.
Bella: What if I don't wear pants?
Aro: That's fine.
Bella: -takes off pants-
Edward: Please excuse us, I have to go ravish my Bella.
Bella: Bye bye! –is lead away by Edward-
Caius: Oh, look how this all turned out. In the beginning we were just a strangely horde of mad men, and now we're perverts. What will the children think?
Aro: There are no children. Skittles is technically an OC.
Caius: Oh. So does that mean I get to go back to pervertedness?
Aro: Who ever said you left?
Caius: You know, sometimes I wonder what life would be like without you, Aro.
Aro: You'd be more of an idiot, seventy percent of the OCs wouldn't exist, Mom would still be alive, and there'd be considerably less margaritas in the world.
Caius: So it's a good thing you're here?
Aro: Of course. After all, what's life without my arotasticness?
Caius: Jamaica.
Aro: True dat.
Marcus: Hey, where'd the buffalo come from?
Buffalo: Your mom!
Alec: Would the buffalo count as an OC?
Aro: I don't think so. It technically doesn't have any character whatsoever. It doesn't even have personality. It's a buffalo.
Dimitri: Does that mean we can keep him?
Marcus: What do you intend to keep him for?
Dimitri: Your mom.
Aro: Oooh, walked right into that one, brother.
Marcus: How come everyone gets to be witty but me and Caius?
Aro: Because everyone else has more personality than you.
Alec: Dead grass has more personality than you two.
Marcus: Did I just hear an insult from the transvestite?
Aro: You can't make fun of Alec for his transvestiteness. He's from Transylvania.
Alec: I'm a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. (Hah, everyone loves a good Rocky Horror quote! Except Jill. But Jill's a loser, so it doesn't matter.)
Caius: Is that copyright infringement?
Aro: If it was, I'd be sued by now.
Caius: I thought you were.
Aro: Not by The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Caius: Well that makes sense.
Buffalo: Still here.
Marcus: So what would happen if the buffalo developed personality?
Aro: He'd go…away.
Caius: Where's "away"?
Aro: Life Incapacitation Manifested Brethren Organization.
Everyone Else: -silence-
Aro: -sigh- Limbo. They're in Limbo.
Caius: Oh.
Buffalo: Did you just make that up?
Aro: Silence, cow.
Buffalo: I'm a buffalo.
Random Bolt Of Lightning: -zaps Buffalo and he disappears-
Dimitri: No! Buffalo, my love!
Marcus: I thought "my mom" was your love?
Dimitri: Your mom's quick and easy. I need another way to pass the time.
Aro: Again, Marcus, walked right into that one.
Caius: Even I'm not that stupid.
Marcus: Yes you are.
Caius: Okay, I am.
Aro: And that was proof.
Marcus: Why does no one ever make fun of Aro?
Aro: Because I'm arotastic.
Caius: Besides, Aro has a whole club devoted to hating him.
Aro: What club? Who's in it?
Caius: I dunno. It's anonymous. (Haha, Juliann, you know what I'm referring to)
Aro: Oh. Okay.
Marcus: Okay, then why don't we make fun of Alec?
Alec: Because everyone loves a girl who can quote Rocky Horror.
Marcus: I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.
Alec: You could love me if I knew how to lie.
Aro: But who could love me? I am out of my mind.
Caius: Throwing a line out to sea…
Dimitri: To see if I can catch a dream.
Aro: Well, if that's not copyright infringement, I don't know what is.
Marcus: No, really. Why don't we make fun of Alec?
Aro: -shrugs- He has great hair. People with great hair don't get made fun of.
Caius: So that's why we never poke fun at OCs?
Aro: Pretty much, yeah.
LIMBO: -spits out OCs-
Marcus: Shit, they're back.
Skittles: Watch your language around the children.
Marcus: I don't see any children.
Skittles: What about Caius?
Marcus: Point taken.
Mr. Blue: Great news, everyone! I can speak Russian now!
Aro: Really now?
Mr. Blue: Yes really! Plus I know how to cure Dimitri!
Aro: HOW?!
Mr. Blue: He has to make out with a buffalo.
Buffalo: Don't look at me.
Alec: We weren't. We were looking at Jane.
(Jane appeared about halfway through the buffalo protesting making out with Dimitri)
Jane: What about me?
Dimitri: -randomly makes out with Jane-
Jane: -doesn't struggle-
Dimitri: I'm cured!
Jane: If I get to have random men make out with me at unspecific times, I'll stay.
Dimitri: Well, I've always had a thing for buffalos.
Jane: What?
Aro: Never mind, Janey darling.
Jane: You know, part of the divorce was because you called me that. The other part was your fascination with the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz.
Aro: It was just a phase…
Jane: A phase that lasted twenty-seven years.
Aro: Yeah, well…you smell. Bad. Like goats.
Marcus: YOUR MOM SMELLS LIKE GOATS!
Aro: My mom is your mom.
Caius: You're really bad at that, you know. Almost as bad as me sometimes.
Alec: YOUR MOM was bad! She must have been getting tips from you.
Aro: See? That's a diss.
Alec: What'd I say?
(Cuts to White Room)
Mr. Kittywhale: So, since the OCs are back, I was reinstated as host.
Heidi: But I'm staying until Tara gets back. She's on a plane to England right now, I'd guess.
Mr. Kittywhale: So, that's it for today, folks.
Alexa: WAIT!
Mr. Kittywhale: I was wondering why she wasn't talking her head off at the end…
Heidi: What do you want, small person?
Alexa: First off, I'm not that small. Ask anyone. More preferably your father.
Mr. Kittywhale: I think that was a diss, my friend.
Alexa: Secondly, I so own you. So shut your face.
Mr. Kittywhale: Yeah. Definitely a diss.
Alexa: And finally, I have only two words before I leave: BISCUIT. HITLER.
Alec: -distantly- BISCUIT HITLER!
Mr. Kittywhale: Wow. He heard you all the way from here.
Heidi: Whatever. Bye now!
So, whaddya think? Yes or no? Hit or miss? I want to know your opinion.
So anyway, I had this plastic sniper, and when you pulled the trigger it made a buzzing noise and vibrated. It was sick. Then my brother stole it from me. And now I'm sad.
Yeah, so I think I overused the "Your mom" joke, but I always do. And usually to my brother. Except when I say it it's not as effective because we have the same mother and I'm a girl. But I say it anyway. I can do whatever I want. I'm going to be the co-ruler of the world one day. Plus I'm arotastic.
So ANYwho, my internet's gay and doesn't let me post stuff when I want to because it chooses the worst times to stop working. And I don't have the same documents on the downstairs computer, PLUS the internet's even worse on there. And Limewire doesn't work (-sobs-) on the computer downstairs.
Okay, so a list of things I don't own from this chapter: the cannon characters, Castle Volturi (I own the name, though), noodles (although some people seem to be under the impression I do because of a comment that was misinterpreted), Ghostbusters (but I love them and the 300ft Stay Puft Marshmallow Man), Newalta, Robert Plant (who is the lead singer of Led Zeppelin), the sex appeal of blondeness, Cabbage Patch Kids, elephants, Jamaica, buffalos (although I do own THE Buffalo), transvestiteness, Transylvania, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, limbo (but I do own the Life Incapacitation Manifested Brethren Organization, which is really Limbo, but my limbo is with a capital L and it turns purple when I go there. And Waldo is there.), the lyrics to She Had The World by Panic at the Disco (I got the Live In Chicago CD for Christmas and now I'm obsessed with it), and the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz.
ANYwho, here's your chapter and sorry it wasn't out sooner today but the internet decided to not work as soon as I got on.
Lotsa Lotsa Love and a Muffin (the Orgasmic Brownie Machine is malfunctioning, but I should have it working by the next chapter. I'm gonna try hitting it with my sockhammer),
Alexa –hearts-
PS – Next chapter out December 30th, same day as the new chapter of NSN, which I hope will be out before the date because I already started on it. But you don't care about NSN, you want Aro. So, next chapter out in four days!!