A/N: Once again, sorry for the wait. I know it's been a stretch between updates lately, and it will probably be this way for another 3 weeks or so, but then it will be my summer break! :) Thanks so much for all the reviews for the last story, hee hee. Gotta love some crack!fic to lighten things up. This one isn't a crack!fic but it's not terribly serious, either. It takes place during the third season, around the time of Goblin's Gold, I'll say. Please review! :)

Sesquipedalian

Chapter Twenty-One: Zoosemiotics

zoosemiotics, n.
(zoh-UH-see-mee-OT-iks)
The study of animal communication

Merlin was woken up by a high-pitched, unfamiliar voice piping a series of rather rude comments in the form of a wakeup call. "Oi! Lazy! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Get your good-for-nothing backside out of bed and get to work!"

Merlin rolled over, groaned, and muttered, "Go away, Arthur." He was still too sleepy to realize that this could not be the prince since because of the high, familiar tone and because Arthur wouldn't have a reason to be in his room anyway. All his tired mind knew was that the obnoxious tone and biting insults sounded a lot like the ones his master tended to use.

The voice came again. "I'm not Arthur, you twit! Honestly, I don't know why I bother waking you every morning!"

Merlin sat up slowly, scrubbing his eyes tiredly as his mind became a little less befuddled. He looked around his tiny room, the corners of his mouth curled downward fractionally. There was no one there. Great, he thought sarcastically, I'm hearing voices in my head… again.

The only beings that he knew of that spoke directly into his mind was the dragon and the druids. He knew it wasn't the dragon because that was certainly not Kilgharra's gravelly voice, and it wasn't the voice of any druid he knew – not that he knew too many druids, anyway, though. He let his eyes explore his room once more, trying without success to find the source of the grumpy little phantom that claimed to wake Merlin up every morning. The only person that ever made Merlin get up in the mornings was Gaius (who this was most definitely not), that is, unless the little blue bird that liked to perch on his windowsill and chirp in the mornings hadn't woken him first.

The bird.

Merlin knew it was stupid, but he let his eyes flicker to his small window where, sure enough, that same little blue bird was sitting, looking at him with a strange expression on its face. Wait, that wasn't right… birds didn't have facial expressions… did they? And yet this bird looked strangely amused as it regarded the warlock that was now rising out of bed and moving cautiously toward the window.

"Uh… hello?" he said hesitantly, immediately deciding that he had completely lost his mind because here he was, seriously trying to strike up a conversation with a bird.

"Hullo," the bird said chipperly and Merlin jumped back with a shout. The little creature shot him a strange look and hopped a few steps. "What're you so jumpy about, smart one?" it asked as Merlin gaped at it. "You were the one who said hello to me first, were you not?"

Merlin simply gaped for a few moments before stammering, "Well, it's not like I actually thought you'd respond!" Yes, I've gone mad – I'm arguing with a bird. Wonderful.

"Merlin, who are you talking to up there?" It was Gaius's voice coming from the main room of their chambers.

"No one!" Merlin answered quickly, causing the bird to ruffle its feathers indignantly.

"Glad I'm no one of importance then," the animal twittered irritably. "See if I ever wake you up in time again!"

"Oh come on, now, you know I didn't mean it that way!" Merlin insisted, all the while wondering why he wanted to bird to stay anyway. It was doing nothing but talking him in circles and insulting him. Good heavens, he thought glumly, it's like a combination of Kilgharra and Arthur!

The bird made an indignant little noise but stayed where it was. "Well?" it asked rather rudely. "Is there something else you'd like to yammer on about or can I get to my breakfast? The worms are rather plump this morning, wouldn't you agree?"

"Er," Merlin said, not sure whether or not he agreed (or even if he cared) about the plumpness of Camelot's worms.

Seeing that Merlin wasn't going to give an intelligent answer anytime soon, the bird took flight with a quick, "See you later, then."

"Wait!" Merlin called desperately, "What's going on? Why can I talk to you?"

The bird didn't look back but Merlin heard its voice all the same and the answer wasn't very comforting. "You really should do something about sleep-spelling," it said. "It's becoming a bit of a habit for you."

Merlin wasn't sure which was more disturbing – the fact that he was doing magic in his sleep or that this strange little blue bird watched him sleep enough to know about it.

With a sigh, he turned from the window and got ready for work, hoping that the weirdness was at an end.

Merlin's mind was buzzing. He had been positively shocked at the enormous volume of the courtyard on his way to Arthur's chambers. He could hear voices everywhere, loud and chatty and excited. He was confused, though, because the actual content of the conversations made little to no sense.

"Oh, did you see Gabrielle's fur the other day? It was so tatty! I thought I would die!"

"Charles, dear, leave my egg alone, I'm not moving until it hatches."

"Alright, there are some people directly below – on the count of three, we aim and fire. One… two… three—"

Splat!

Merlin felt something gooey land on his head and he heard loud, obnoxious laughing from high above. Shocked, he glanced up to see two rather large birds flying away, cackling madly at their little prank. And that's when Merlin knew – the weirdness wasn't over. It had just begun.

Arthur had been less than impressed to see Merlin run into his chambers – late, again – with a great glob of bird poo on his head. Merlin had explained, out of breath, that the birds thought they were being funny. Arthur had simply given his servant an exasperated look before ordering him to get cleaned up and then get the gear ready. They were going hunting.

Merlin was not impressed with this executive decision but had to go along with it anyway.

He went to the stables to saddle up the horses and Arthur's horse nickered softly. "Oh look, it's the idiot," the horse said.

Merlin regarded the beast flatly. "Yeah, you're definitely Arthur's horse alright."

His horse was pleased to see him and asked him for an apple. Merlin didn't have one, and told her so, and she refused to speak to him again. Merlin didn't really care, though, because it wasn't like he and his horse talked on a regular basis anyway. If they did, it was always a one-sided conversation in which Merlin was complaining about mucking out the stables. Also, he thought it might be a little weird to ride on something that could talk to him.

He tightened the girth on Arthur's horse and it said in the prattiest voice a horse could muster, "Watch it, Merlin."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Great," he muttered darkly, "this trip is going to be fun."

"Merlin, will you stop that?" Arthur hissed as Merlin fidgeted loudly in his saddle. The prince had a crossbow in his hand and had turned to face his servant, fire in his blue eyes.

"Stop what?" Merlin asked in an innocent tone although it was clear by the uncomfortable look on his face that he knew exactly what his master was talking about.

"We've been at this for four hours, Merlin, and I haven't caught a single bloody animal! Not a deer, not a rabbit – nothing!"

"Well, how is it my fault you keep missing?" Merlin asked petulantly, knowing that he was asking for trouble by speaking to an already agitated Arthur this way but not able to keep the teasing comment contained.

"Merlin," Arthur growled.

Merlin looked down and tried to block the terrified pleas of the forest animals out of his aching head. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He wasn't a fan of hunting, anyway, and it tore at his heart to hear the fear and desperation that the rabbits felt at the idea of getting chased by the "giants" and the deer quickly trying to think of a way to escape. It also didn't help his nerves that the squirrels seemed to love chattering nonstop about nut jokes, leaping from tree to tree and spouting them out into Merlin's ears at an almost constant rate.

"Arthur, can't we just leave them alone?" Merlin mumbled softly, feeling sick to his stomach. He wished that he had pretended to be sick today so he wouldn't have to face this.

"Stop being such a girl, Merlin. Honestly, you're even more pathetic than usual."

Merlin didn't answer. He was too busy trying to pretend that the chipmunks weren't trying to recruit him as their leader.

Arthur cursed and urged his horse on, muttering darkly about how idiotic and obnoxious Merlin was.

Merlin's horse had apparently decided to forgive him because right after Arthur disappeared from sight, his griping still audible, she snorted, "Prat."

"Couldn't've said it better myself," Merlin agreed.

"Want to ditch him?" the horse suggested.

"He'll have me mucking the stables for weeks if I do…" A squirrel in the branch directly above his head told a particularly idiotic nut joke and then threw an acorn at Merlin when he didn't laugh. "You know," Merlin said slowly, rubbing his head, "I think it might just be worth it."

As it turned out, Arthur didn't seem to care too much that Merlin had stayed behind during the rest of the hunt although his nerves were already so frazzled that he didn't catch anything anyway, which Merlin was quite glad of because he couldn't bring himself to carry the pelt of an animal that had been pleading for life only moments before.

Now as he was getting ready for bed, mind reeling from all that had happened today. Arthur was still mildly irritated but he would get over it. Gaius thought he was talking to himself. He hadn't seen the blue bird all day.

He slept surprisingly well, dreaming of magic forests and talking woodland creatures.

When he woke up the next morning, Merlin was relieved beyond words to hear chipper chirping coming from his window instead of that peppy, insulting voice. It seemed that whatever he had done in his sleep the night before had finally worn off. Thank goodness – he didn't think he could take any more of that!

With a sigh of relief, Merlin got ready and hurried down the stairs to greet Gaius, who glared at him. "What's going on, Gaius?" Merlin asked, perplexed as to why his guardian looked so put out at the moment.

Then he spoke. "Baa," Gaius said in a perfect imitation of a sheep being sheered.

"Oh dear," Merlin said, deciding that he really needed to start searching for a cure to this "sleep-spelling."

"Baa-baa!" Gaius agreed irritably.

Merlin fought the urge to smash his head into the wall.

This was going to be a long day.

A/N: Hee hee. :) I find myself wondering what my kitty cat would say if I could communicate with her. LOL.

NEXT TIME – vindicate – Merlin is sentenced to death for sorcery and Arthur is determined to safe him. (PART ONE)

Yep, another trilogy coming up! XD Please review and I'll update as soon as I can! :)

~Emachinescat ^..^