Chapter Twenty-One

They stood in the hallway where it was safe, staring into the black pit of their loft. This wasn't a good idea at all, seeing it like this, picturing what Kate and the kids must have gone through the night of the fire.

But there were a few things still salvageable from the rubble and Alexis had asked to see it one last time.

It wasn't the closure they'd imagined.

Castle slipped an arm around Alexis' shoulders as her vision clouded with tears and all he could picture was a petite toddler with her red hair in pigtails getting wheeled into the loft on a furniture dolly the day they moved in. She had laughed and squealed for the whole ride and then insisted she was big enough to carry boxes. This was the only home she'd ever known and every room had a collection of memories from her growing up.

"Some of our best days happened here, huh, kiddo? Just you and me." He didn't know why he said that. It only caused the tears to spill down Alexis' cheek and a small sob to escape her. "I'm sorry." He husked, pulling Alexis into his chest. "I miss it, too."

"It's not like a regular move. It's not like we knew this was coming." She muttered. "Everything is just gone. Almost everything." Alexis shook her head. "There were so many things I wanted to hold onto. The laser tag sets. The light sabers. All my toys and books from when I was kid. Some of those were going to go to Matthew and the rest," She gave a small shrug. "I had a few things I thought would be fun to give to my own kids some day. And now it's not even an option."

Her words burned a hole through his heart and nothing he thought to say sounded like enough. They were dealing with a great loss and while certain things could be physically replaced, the sentimental value could not.

The safe in his office had preserved important documents and the second floor had less damage, but only some clothes and other odd items survived. Alexis' room had it worse than Matthew's and the boy was taking his loss in stride. Maybe he hadn't been here long enough for the loft to feel like home or maybe he had a shallow attachment to his possessions, but either way, he was bouncing back quicker than the rest of them and it was one less weight on Castle's shoulders.

In front of them, the once 15 ft. noble fir was now a pile of ash. Nothing gleamed or sparkled.

"Come on, Pumpkin." Castle lifted the box at his feet and moved for the elevator. "Let's go –"

He almost said home and stopped himself abruptly. No, there was no home. Not at the moment.

"Yeah, let's go." Alexis murmured, grabbing the other box.

"Are you coming with us for apartment hunting this afternoon?" He wanted to know.

"No." She sighed. "I want to, but I gotta study for my next final."

"Are you doing alright with that?"

"Yeah, I mean, my professors and friends in my classes have been helpful and I was able to find my textbooks in the school library. I only need them for the last few weeks of the semester so it worked out well, I guess." She leaned heavily against the back of the elevator car. "It's just the last thing I want to be doing right now. Studying. I'd rather be helping you guys with finding a new place."

"I know." His elbow bumped playfully into her arm and she gave him the barest hint of a smile. "But you don't have to worry about that. You just have to do what's best for you and know that we'll find our next home eventually. Just do what you can. You're almost finished with your semester and then you'll have three whole weeks off."

"I know." Alexis agreed, but her expression still carried the stress of the past few weeks and there was nothing left to say. All they could do was push through each day together.

The thing about house hunting in December was they didn't have a whole lot of buyer competition. It should be an easy task, but there always seemed to be at least one glaring problem with every place they were shown. The layout wasn't appealing. Or the neighborhood wasn't desirable. Too big. Too cramped. Too much of a fixer-upper. Not worth the asking price. Or once, Matthew told them an apartment was scary.

Oh, and they dragged poor Matthew with them because this next place would be his home, too, and his approval mattered. The initial excitement he felt over seeing new apartments had been snuffed out of him after the first few, but he continued to be a good sport and go along.

"How much longer?" Matthew whispered not quiet enough and Kate caught the flickering glance of their realtor. Matthew didn't care. He leaned his whole weight against Kate as his chin dug into her waist.

"This is the last one for today." She whispered back to him. He let out a grumpy sigh.

Yeah, she kind of felt the same way. Kate coursed her fingers through Matthew's hair and tried to calm him, but he'd reached his limit on boredom and was crossing into downright ornery.

"I need you to be patient a little bit longer, Matthew."

He grunted and buried his face in her stomach.

"I know." She sighed, rubbing his back.

She saw the moment Rita realized they'd lost interest in this place and thankfully, the realtor breezed through the rest of the apartment and got them out of there.

Matthew skipped out of the lobby with a sudden burst of excitement for life again. "Mommy said we can have hot chocolate now." He informed Castle, capturing his father's hand with both of his own.

Castle shot her an inquiring look. "I did say that." She confirmed, slipping on her gloves and bracing against the December wind that whipped around them. "Zip up your coat, Matthew."

"There's a Starbucks a few blocks from here." Castle offered up, extending his free arm to Kate so she could tuck herself in against the cold. "I'll treat you to overpriced coffee."

"Sounds like a plan."

There was no escaping the reminder of Christmas's impending arrival. The walls of the coffee shop were stacked with holiday gift baskets, plush reindeer, and Christmas CDs. Advertisements of their seasonal drinks littered the windows.

Yes, it was mid-December. They hadn't forgotten. They couldn't if they tried.

"Daddy, can I have this?" Matthew pleaded, one of those plush reindeers in his hands.

"No."

Kate jumped at Castle's clipped tone. She would have said the same thing, but the way he said it… "Put it back, Matthew." She said gently. "We're getting you a hot chocolate."

When the boy scuffled away, she reached for Castle's arm.

"You ok?"

"Fine." He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Sorry. Just… not in the mood."

Her gaze drifted to Matthew shoving the reindeer back onto a shelf. "For Christmas?"

He nodded, his eyes distant.

She leaned her head against his shoulder and laced her fingers through his, their palms locked together. She'd noticed his reluctance to talk about the holiday, but she'd hoped it wouldn't last. It was too strange to have Castle so grievous toward Christmas. He'd brought the season of light back into her life after so many years in the dark and now she couldn't find it within herself to carry the torch for him. It was too heavy a task.

Matthew came back to their sides and Castle reached for him, ruffling the boy's hair affectionately with an apologetic smile on his face for the way he'd snapped. "I love you, Matthew-man."

"I know." Matthew chimed.

His reply had Castle exhaling a laugh. "Well, I'm glad you know."

"Love you, too." Matthew offered up with a grin.

Kate's phone went off with a text, releasing a tense laugh when she read it. "Rita says she has more listings for us whenever we're ready."

It was getting old, one apartment after another. And they were nice apartments, just not what she and Castle were looking for.

"Why can't we stay at the hotel?" Matthew asked seriously.

Oh.

They really did need to find a new place.

She was just so tired of it all.

"Because people aren't meant to stay in hotels forever." Castle answered after placing their order. "We have to get a place that is all our own eventually."

Sooner, rather than later.

"I don't like looking at apartments." Matthew admitted, though it was no secret to his parents.

"We'll find something soon." Kate sighed.

For now, back to their temporary home at the Four Seasons.

"Kate?" Alexis screamed hoarsely above the sound of a raging fire consuming their home.

The floor was growing hot under their feet.

Something crashed and roared beneath them.

And then Alexis screamed. Kate's eyes flew to the door and then she saw it, the dance of flames under the door, taunting its arrival.

The fire eased under the door and around it, shooting up to consume the whole thing.

No.

It was too much. Too fast.

The walls lit up and the floor and Matthew's bed, fire encircling the whole room and saving their spot against the window for last.

They screamed, coughed, and sputtered, clawing at the window and each other.

There was no way out and the fire was moving too fast.

It had them.

Kate woke with the sting of phantom flames lapping at her legs and a scream tearing from her throat.

Suddenly, Castle was there, kneeling over her on the bed with his warm hands framing her face. "It's a dream. It's a dream."

Her heart thundered in her ears. Her breath came too ragged. She couldn't focus on his words, just the hellish images seared into her mind's eye.

The fire.

"The fire never reached you." Castle was adamant, his eyes dark and desperate to reach her.

It was bright in their room. They never slept in the dark anymore.

"It's a dream." Kate shuddered and watched Castle's posture crumple with relief.

"A dream." He repeated, easing back, but taking her hand with him.

Between them, Matthew slept. Undisturbed.

She forced air deep into her lungs and struggled to let it out slow. She could still hear her pulse in her ears, but she tried to calm down, to remember that they hadn't burned up in that room.

Castle placed her hand on Matthew's head. "This is what we're fighting for, Kate. Right here. This is what we hold onto."

She wondered suddenly, amid the wash of gratitude and peace, what sort of dream Castle had before she woke him up with hers.

Each night for the past two weeks, she either slept and wished she hadn't or forewent on sleep altogether. And this back-and-forth of sleepless nights and too-vivid dreams was slowly tearing her sanity to shreds.

She curled onto her side and slid her hand down to cup Matthew's cheek, his breath fanning across her wrist.

Life.

She held onto this life.

The knock on the door came earlier than expected. Castle and a still-pajama-clad Kate exchanged looks while Matthew raced to the door. Sheila was here already.

"Sheila. Hi." Kate rose from her seat at their small dining table, stacking their dirty breakfast plates on one side.

Sheila shed her coat and draped it over a chair. Her gaze swept the sitting area and hallway of their suite. "That was… quite a phone call I received from you guys. How are you holding up?"

Again, Castle and Kate shared a look. They weren't, really. But should they share that with Sheila?

"It hasn't been easy." Castle finally breathed out. "But it could've been worse for us."

A tired phrase they're used to saying to family and friends.

"I can imagine." Sheila turned to Matthew where he stood next to her, syrup sticking to his cheek. "And what about you, Matthew?"

He gave her a shy grin. "I'm good."

"Yeah? What have you been up to?" Sheila wanted to know.

Matthew shrugged.

"He still has school in the mornings." Castle finally answered when Matthew wouldn't. "And he's been helping us look for a new apartment, right, Matthew?"

Matthew nodded at Sheila. "Mommy and Daddy said I get to vote on our next home. Alexis gets a vote, too."

It took a moment to interpret the look that crossed Sheila's face, but it eventually dawned on Kate. The last time they'd seen her, it had been 'Kate' and 'Rick'. Not 'Mommy' and 'Daddy'.

"That started after the fire." Kate explained.

Sheila nodded slowly, giving their current residence another once-over. "Tell me what happened."

Kate's stomach fluttered. They trusted Sheila, they did. But the fire… it didn't exactly make them feel like parents of the year and this woman's opinion held so much weight in Matthew's case.

"The truth is my family was the target of a deranged man." Castle spoke up. "And Kate saved our kids' lives."

He made her sound like a hero. And while she was forever grateful that he tackled that conversation for her and filled in the gaps for Sheila, it was obvious that the social worker also saw what they weren't saying - that they couldn't sleep anymore, that the terror of that night still gripped them and made every day a challenge. They were treading water and it was no surprise to anyone, least of all to Sheila.

So when she suggested therapy, they didn't take the advice lightly.

"But after the holidays." Kate murmured once she and Castle were alone. Well, about as alone as they could get in this too-small suite with Matthew distracted by a Christmas movie on the TV. "There's just… too much going on right now."

"No, I know." Castle sighed. "I think that's best, too. Let's get through Christmas first."

Get through Christmas.

If the fire had never happened, there would be so much to be excited about, so much to bring Matthew in on, and instead, they were just getting through.

"You know, Alexis finishes up with exams this week and Matthew's break starts after the following week. We should plan some things to do with them before we drive out to the Hamptons. Just the four of us." She suggested.

He nodded, but it was clear it was just one more obligation. Buy a home. Spend Christmas with the family. Go to therapy. She never realized how deep his love for the holiday ran until his home and all his Christmas possessions were taken away. Countless items were from Alexis' childhood and there was no replacing those precious little things Alexis had made for him as a girl.

"Hey," She murmured, drawing his downcast gaze back to her. She gave him a sad smile and wrapped her arms around him. "I know it's hard, but for Matthew and Alexis… please?"

He drew a shaky breath. "This isn't what I wanted his first Christmas with us to be like."

The tears sprung readily to her eyes. No, she didn't want this, either.

"And Alexis is heartbroken. This isn't how it's supposed to happen for them. Living in a hotel." He looked like he could go on, but he shook his head abruptly and the words stopped.

She buried her head in his chest, felt his strong arms slip around her and keep her grounded.

"It won't be the same." She finally lifted her chin up and looked at him. "It might not even be a good Christmas. But we have to at least try."

"Ok." He breathed. "For Alexis and Matthew. We'll try."

Thoughts?

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