ERIN
I have no idea how long it's been. Minutes, hours, days, I wouldn't know the difference. The clocks ticks and it ticks again, hands passing by each other as the numbers become a thing of the past. My eyes stay dry, Nora's words ringing in my head as I leave my hands folded in my lap, trying with everything that I am to keep my composure. There's a million unread texts on my phone, the little white boxes lighting up the screen. But I can't bring myself to care enough to look at any of them.
I haven't seen Juliette since we got here, more than likely she's holed somewhere in a conference room, officials surrounding her as she deals with the crisis. I wonder if she's changed her clothes, or if those blood stains are still conquering that stark white dress. I don't want to think about it. That's Jay's blood. It shouldn't be there. We shouldn't be here.
I don't remember if I told him that I loved him. He said goodbye to me, he gave me a kiss, and he told me he loved me. Did I say it back? I don't know. I don't remember.
"He's alive," We here as a doctor, out of breath from running here arrives in the lounge. "It was touch and go for a while, but he's alive," I feel a huge weight fall off my chest, but hold back from celebrating as I remember that I'm not the only one here. The rest of them, they're still waiting on another update.
"What about my daughter?" Patrick asks. He looks like he doesn't know whether to keep worrying or collapse in relief.
"She's still in surgery," He tells us, "Her injuries were more complex, but we're doing everything we can for her."
"Okay," He replies as I feel a wave of relief fall over me. She's not dead. And I just have to believe that she's going to be okay. I don't even know her, but that doesn't matter. She's a person. She's his person. And she has to be okay. "Has anyone told my wife?"
"Of course," He replies. "Our Chief of Surgery just went to give her an update,"
"Good,"
"Do you want to go see him?" The doctor asks, who I have yet to learn the name of. "He's not conscious yet, but you can go back if you want.
"Of course," He responds, "I'm going to go check on him, Will, come with me, Nora and Natalie, stay here with Erin, Abby call Avery and get her over here."
"The Press Secretary?" I ask Nora as everyone else leaves the room, filing away like soldiers. "Is that really necessary?"
"The nation saw my brother and sister, every minute that passes, rumors and theories are forming. We have to set those straight and the only way to do that is a direct statement from the White House. So yes, it is absolutely necessary."
"You'll get used to it," Natalie whispers in my ear as she takes a seat on my other side, Owen still curled up on the other side of the room under his dad's suit jacket, still blissfully unaware of it all.
"Do you?" I respond as Nora stands up, copying her older brother's movements, the heels of her shoes clicking as she paces.
"You don't ever think you will," She tells me. "But you do, trust me, you do. It's just going to take a minute,"
"I just want to see him," I tell her, already feeling more comfortable with her than I think I ever could with Nora. "I've been driving myself crazy,"
"We all have," She tells me, always the eloquent one. "He got shot Erin, we're all scared,"
"I love him," I say softly, "I love him more than anything,"
"And he's okay," She tells me as she places a caring hand on my shoulder. "He's okay, he's going to be okay."
I can't help but feel nervous as I linger in the doorway, the rush of nurses and doctors quieted in the background and two agents in standing tall in black suits on either side of the door. Maddie got out of surgery a little while ago and they all rushed to her side, Jay luckily being stable and allowing me a moment of still to slip in.
It's hard to see him like this, broken. He's all there, but the bandage is peeking out from the top of his hospital gown and there's a tube down his throat, a hundred beeps from ten monitors surrounding him. It doesn't look like him, he's not him. I keep Natalie's words swirling through my head. He's okay.
I take a deep breath before stepping into the hospital room, the unnerving scent of antiseptic filling my nose.
"Hi Jay," I say, settling into the chair next to his bed, taking his hand in mine. "You really scared me there. But I'm glad you're okay." I feel like an idiot, talking to him even though I know that he can't hear me. It makes me feel a little better though, somehow. "You've got a whole nation pulling for you, there's thousands of people waiting outside those doors, just waiting to hear something," My attention strays from his face as I notice the agents outside those sliding doors stand up just a little bit straighter, only seconds before the President herself walks through those doors. I couldn't tell you why, but I instantly drop his hand and sit up just a little straighter.
"I can go," I say, starting to get up as she takes a seat on the other side of the bed, long changed out of the blood stained frock I feared she'd be wearing.
"No stay," She responds, quickly stopping me. "I'm not the only one he needs,"
"Thanks," I say quietly, taking my seat again as I struggle with the choice of whether or not to take his hand again.
"Go on," She says, seeming like she can read my mind. "He loves you, you know that?"
"I do," I say, biting my bottom lip as I hold his hand again. "I'm really lucky to have him,"
"He's lucky to have you," She responds.
"How do you do it all?" I ask her, "How do you keep it all together?"
"I don't," She responds with an honest look on her face, "You saw me on that dais, I try. But I've never been great at that whole part."
"I got you there," I reply.
"Did Nora catch you?" She asks, a reluctant chuckle leaving her lips, "She can come off a little strong,"
"It's fine," I assure her quickly, waving it off.
"No," She responds with a slight smile, "It's not, but i think I'm going to give her a pass today,"
"How can you be okay right now?" I ask her as I stare down at Jay's lifeless face.
"I'm not," She tells me, "I am not even in the realm of okay. But I can either cry because my girl is hanging onto life, or I can smile and be grateful that my boy is safe. So I'm going to chose to smile, while hoping with everything that I can that Maddie is going to be okay,"
"That's a good philosophy," I say, grinning softly.
"I try," She replies with a smile. "Now c'mon, chin up, it's all going to be okay."
"What's going on?" I say as notice Abby walking past Jay's room, tears running down her face, the light of a new day shining through the window behind me. Natalie's asleep in the chair across from me, the Halstead family spread through the hospital, equally dispersed between the two hospital rooms. She turns, looking me straight in the eye, the pain in those green eyes shining through bright as day.
"Maddie died," She tells me, her voice breaking as my heart does the same.
"Oh my God," I say, not really knowing what to say.
"She's gone," She says, biting down on her lower lip, trying to keep from crying as those few tears slip out. "She's gone Erin,"
"I am so sorry," I say, still not being able to force any other words out. "God Abby I am so sorry,"
"Will you tell him?" She asks. "Please, my parents asked me to. I just can't do it."
"Of course," I say softly as I look over at her. "Anything that you need, any of you,"
"It doesn't feel real," She says, still not moving, her eyes blank as she stands in that doorway in a canary yellow dress.
"I know," I say.
"I feel like I'm dreaming, like this is all a nightmare that I have to wake up from," She responds, her voice cracking. "She was my little sister, she was 17. I just I don't understand, she hasn't done anything to anyone. She's barely lived."
"I know," I say again softly, feeling like an idiot as I don't know what else to say.
"No you don't," She says softly. "You don't know," I feel my heart sink again in my chest as I watch her walk away.
"What's going on?" Natalie says groggily as she stirs awake to the sound of Abby's heels.
"Go talk to Will," I tell her, not having the heart to tell her myself. It's not my place either.
"Is something wrong?"
"Just go talk to Will," I tell her again.
"Alright," She says, looking at me skeptically as she pulls her heels back off the floor, sliding them over her still pantyhose covered feet.
I don't know what to do. How do I tell him? I have to do it, I told Abby I would. How do I look into the eyes of the man I love and tell him that his sister is dead because someone decided to point a gun at his mom and missed? How do you tell anyone that?
"She's dead. She's gone right?" I hear, looking down to see Jay as his eyes open, every word straining.
"What?" I say, too shocked to say anything else.
"Maddie. She died right?" He says again, his face emotionless and cold. "I saw the hit, she went down before. I knew she was gone. I was trying to not think that, but based on the look on your face right now I know that I'm right."
"Jay I'm so sorry," I say, almost choking on the lump in my throat as I allow the first tears to slip out of my eyes since my encounter in the closet.
"I just want to be alone right now," He tells me, those bright blue eyes shining. "Why don't you head home? I'll call you later okay?"
"Alright," I say, grabbing my shoes from the floor even though everything in my head and my heart is telling me to stay. But he wants to be alone. His sister just died, his baby sister, so if he needs to be alone, that's why I can do for him.
"I love you," I tell him with tears in my eyes as stand in the door. I linger there for a second, waiting for his response, but it never comes.
JAY
It doesn't feel real, like any moment she's going to run in here, too fast with her blonde hair streaking behind her telling me a bad joke or laughing at how our dad did his hair today, assuring me that Emerson and Owen love her more than the rest of us. But she won't. She's gone and my heart is broken. We are all broken.
We've all been here all day. No one knows what to say, so we sit here in silence with our heads hung, our eyes glassy, and our cheeks wet.
I feel the pain by the bullet hole in my chest, clear as day. But that pain is nothing compared to the guilt hanging over my head, that I made it and she didn't. That maybe I could have saved her, jumped in front of her, pushed her down. Something. I could have done something.
ERIN
I can't move, I'm just curled up on the couch in my pajamas, that beautiful green dress discarded on the floor and my heels kicked off at the door, hundreds of calls and texts unanswered.
The news coverage is endless, it's everywhere, the only thing that any can talk about. I saw two people get shot last night and one of them died. One of them died and I know that's she's gone, but the rest of the world has no idea. I barely knew her, but I know. I know that she's gone.
I wanted to be there for him, I needed to be there for him. I love him. My attention turns back to the TV as I hear the anchor make an announcement.
"And now to Gaffney Chicago Medical Center, where the Press Secretary will be giving an update on the conditions of President Halstead's children following the shocking shooting at the DNC just last night," I wrap myself a little tighter, trying to hold the tears back because I know exactly what's coming. I tried to hold Nora's words to heart in the hospital, but in the privacy of my own home, I've cried enough for five lifetimes.
"I am pleased to tell you today that Jay Halstead is currently recovering from his injuries in the Intensive Care Unit," Avery starts as the press audibly applauds. "However," She continues, the only noise in the background the snapping of cameras, "It is with great sorrow, that I tell you all that Madeleine Audrey Halstead passed away from her injuries early this morning." It's like another stab in the heart hearing it again, bringing me right back to the moment when Abby told me.
I didn't even know her. I met her once for three minutes, but he loves her. He loved her as big as the world. And now she's gone.