I don't blame the boss for leaving. I wish I could. I wish I could go back in time. I would have been there, by his side, where I was supposed to be, not listening to my ex have hysterics over my daughters stomach ache. I love my daughter but maybe I should have waited for a doctors opinion instead of my ex's opinion. Christ knows, we never agreed on anything. Why should my daughters health be any different? The bitch will probably turn her into a hypochondriac.

We would still have crashed, but I studied survival. I studied trail blazing. I always have at least two guns and two knives on me. I'm on EMT. Then I think, what if I had been badly injured. What help would I have been to him then? Everything happens for a reason. It is what is; deal with it.

Of course, that's the problem. I really don't want to deal with it. There's a knock at the door. Its Welch checking if I need anything. I almost laugh. The only thing I need is a three month supply of Valium and a six-pack of beer to wash them down. Flynn already knows that. We have an agreement. He accepts that you really can't stop someone from killing themself, if that's what they really want to do, so he's agreed not to shove my ass in some mental ward and I agreed to call him, no matter what time, day or night, before I do the deed. I can deal with that. For fucking sure, I'm not writing letters. My daughter will forget me, if she hasn't already. I know I can count on the ex to make me forgettable. I feel a hand on my arm, and look up to see Flynn's very concerned face. Behind him is the boss, with a look of horror on his face. Flynn shuts the door, forcing the boss out of the room completely. Then he hands me a box of tissues. I'm confused until I realize I've been fucking crying again. I shake my head no at the tissues and pull out a clean handkerchief. I wipe my face, blow my nose and try to figure out what the fuck happened. Right now, I feel ashamed and embarrassed as all fuck.

"Why didn't you say something?" I ask, annoyed.

"We did, Jason. We tried calling you for several minutes, but you were some place else. I was reluctant to touch you because of your injuries and I couldn't tell what memories were overwhelming you. What were you thinking?"

I hesitate long and hard before answering. Then I tell him how I had a yearning for a ninety day supply of Valium and a six pack. We look at each other and its scary. We both know he doesn't need my permission to lock me up somewhere.

"Listen, Doc, can we forget this shit for now? I really need to explain about Ana to him. "

Flynn is still crouched down, looking at me eyeball to eyeball. He doesn't answer. Finally, he says, "Okay, but after that, your ass is mine. "

I don't know what the hell Flynn means. If I really gave a shit, I'd be scared. Instead, I feel like I'm sinking into quicksand. I need to wrap this up. Flynn stands up and calls Christian back in. Good. I need to get this mission complete.

Christian sits behind his desk and looks everywhere but me. Fuck. I let out a long, uneven sigh. Flynn is watching me like a hawk

"Okay, " I begin, staring down into my hands nervously. "So, I'm wearing your cologne and she leads me to the bed. She pulls the covers down and we both stand there. Then she gets into bed and slides over. She wants her back to my front. I hear a sound from Christian that sounds like he's in pain. Suddenly I don't know if I can do this. This is their bed, their marital bed. How can I possibly sleep there with her. I hear her call me, "Please!" She begs. I think it over. I can do this. All I have to do is hold her. She already told me no sex, it was a hard limit. While I am thinking, planning ahead, I lose my balance in my drunkenness and end up smack against her ass. I throw an arm around her, under her breasts. She requests i wrap a leg around her legs. I swallow nervously again, but comply. She hits the lights. I know my heart is pounding and my breathing is rough and uneven. I listen to hers, at first it's very rapid and then it slows down, a lot. I hear her whisper, "Thank you, Taylor. " and then she's asleep. Instead of getting up and leaving her once she's asleep, I fall asleep too.

Because we were both such drunken fools that night, staying up late drinking all that scotch before we did the sleeping in the bed experiment, we sleep like the dead. Its early afternoon when we both awaken.I know immediately that any hope that we could keep our little experiment a secret is long gone. She turns over and looks at me. She is smiling.

"I slept! Taylor -I slept!" She is so happy, so relieved, I don't know how to explain the shit storm that is waiting for us. I am positive that Gail and Sawyer know exactly where I am. I am sure the cameras are back on and they are both watching. Somehow, the very idea that they think they know everything pisses me off, big time. I grab Ana closer, front to front now. She's smiling. Still. I smile back. Ana's smile does that to you. I kiss the tip her nose and then bury my face in her hair. I whisper to her the cameras are on. She stiffens for a second and then relaxes. She throws the covers back on her side, not realizing the t shirt she is wearing has ridden up to her crotch and to my great shock, she isn't wearing panties. Holy fuck. She jumps out of bed and adjusts herself like its the most normal thing in the world. I don't dare get up because if my morning wood wasn't enough of a problem, knowing I was passed out against her naked ass is a bigger problem.

I hear the shower and stay in bed. Its safe there. Ana comes out wrapped in a big towel and heads for the closet. I give her a few minutes than follow. I shut the door. The closet is huge. Before anyone interrupts us, we need to discuss the knife. She's not finished dressing, but she isn't naked.

"I know about the knife. " I say, as she drags on her jeans. I am not embarrassed and neither is she. I guess sleeping together will do that. She's already got a shirt, bra and panties on.

Her hands stop pulling up the pants. I can see the fear I. Her eyes and know she is paralyzed. She can't move, she can't talk.

"Its okay, Ana. Its going to be okay. " I step closer and finish pulling up her jeans. I zip them and button them, then I put my arms around her and just stand there and hug her. We stand there for a very ling time, just holding each other. She tries to explain how much she hurts, especially after losing the baby. She said when she got home all she wanted to do was die. She wanted to take that knife and just slice herself everywhere. I feel sick. We sit down on the floor and have a real heart to heart. I explain using a knife wouldn't be very kind to Ray. She shrugs and reluctantly agrees. Somehow, we end up making a pact. She is going to try, try hard to live for Christian, neither one of us believes he's dead, but if she decides she wants to end it all, I will do the ending for her. We don't want Ray thinking she was crazy or anything. If it comes to that, after I do her, I'll do me. In the meantime, we'll sleep together.

She asks about Gail. I close my eyes, and feel her arms wrap around me again. I know Gail is not going to be okay with any of this, so there's no point in even trying to explain. I love Gail.

If its meant to be, it will be. Right now, keeping Ana alive and finding Christian are the only things I care about.

Ana reaches up and pulls a pair of Christian's sweat pants down. I look down at my boxers and know she's right. She urges me to take a shower while she dries her hair and does her make up. She was supposed to meet with Ros today. Scratch that. I grab the sweats and jump in the shower. I go commando and pull on the sweats. Christian has nothing I can borrow that will fit over my broad shoulders. We walk to the door and stop. She puts her little hand in mine, and for a moment I wish she were my daughter. We decide we will not answer any questions. I bring the knife. If asked, I will say Ana needed a knife to cut off a price tag. She grabbed the first one she saw without thinking.

I open the door and let her out first. Sawyer is standing right outside her room, facing the door, looking grim and disgusted. He nods to the Great Room. I wonder who is there. Welch, you, Doc, and Gail.

I pause, remembering everything that happened, especially what was said to me and what I said back. I remember but I don't understand because it really wasn't anybody's fucking business what went on in that bedroom. I know my conscious is clear. We did nothing wrong. She slept. I got the knife away. We made promises to each other.

I let out another, long, weary sigh. My shoulder is starting to throb. I make sure i don't look at Christian.

"That is basically it. We slept together so she could sleep.I didn't always stay all night. Sometimes I left as soon as she fell asleep. She pretended it was you in bed with her. After the first night, I made sure she wore panties to bed. There was never a sexual relationship of any kind between us. I don't care what people tell you, what they think they saw. It was always innocent between the two if us. I never touched her unless it was a kiss to the top of her head or her nose. Now if someone could take me back to my room, I'd really appreciate it. "

Christian is dead silent. I don't dare look up. Flynn rises quickly, opens the door and thanks me very much while handing me over to Sawyer.

I hear a crash coming from the study and then the sound of breaking glass. At least it isn't me bouncing off the wall.