Chapter 20

Anastasia

"How much longer are you going to continue to ignore me?" I glare at Ethan and at this point, I want to smack his glasses from his face and punch him. I try to quicken my steps, but unfortunately, his legs are longer than mine and he can easily keep up with me.

"For as long as I fucking want. Now go away and leave me alone" Clumsily I fumble with the keycard until I finally manage to open the door. Annoyed I throw my suitcase inside, and try to close the door in his face, but he prevents it by blocking it with his foot. Asshole.

"Seriously, Ethan, I am this close in punching you in the face."

"He deserved that. No, actually he deserved much more of what I told him. He also deserves to have his pathetic ass thrown in jail."

"You had no right to interfere!" I say through gritted teeth.

"He needed to hear what I had to say, Ana! Jesus, why are you being so stubborn?"

"Because I never asked for your help! I had already told him what I wanted him to hear, there was no need for you to add your worthless two cents!"

"Worthless?"

"Yes worthless, insignificant, irrelevant …it didn't add anything of value! All you wanted to do was mark your stupid territory, but guess what Ethan Peter Kavanagh…there isn't anything to mark!"

"I was trying to help!" He says suddenly looking irritable.

"No, you were not! You just wanted to stir shit!" I yell.

Taking a deep breath I count to ten in my head and try to get Christian's face out of my head. I also try to push away the way he smelled or how much I wanted to fall into his arms. I couldn't bear to look at his sad gray eyes or the anguish clearly written on his face.

"Look, Ethan, I want to make this as smooth as possible for Phoebe. I don't want her to feel the hostility or the pain that I always felt when my parents were together. I want her to feel happy and safe and therefore I need to communicate with Christian. One way or another, Christian and I will always be connected to her. We are both responsible for that little girl, we are her parents and it doesn't help if you keep sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong!" I am yelling again, but when I look up at the stunned expression on Ethan's face, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Jesus, he's dense.

"Can you keep the yelling down, please" Kate stops in front of my door. "I could hear you guys down at the reception area"

"Tell your stupid brother to mind his own business," I tell Kate while I keep looking at Ethan.

"Tell your stubborn friend that I was only trying to help!"

Kate rolls her eyes and places her hands on her hips. Well, shit.

"This friend and this sister" She looks from me to Ethan with a pointed stare. "Is dying to take a shower, if you are not done yelling in five minutes, I will come out and kick your ass." She says glaring at us.

"Am I making myself clear?"

"Chrystal" I mutter.

"Good. Now you…" She says pointing at Ethan. "Go call Mindy and well…talk about things that I don't even want to know"

"Her name is Maddy" He growls.

"Whatever…Mindy, Molly, Maddy, they are all blonde, long-legged, air heads." She says rolling her eyes.

"You," She says pointing at me, her eyes now a little softer. "Go and call Phoebe."

"We are not done talking about this" Ethan says, but this time I do close the door in his face.

With my phone pressed against my ear, waiting for my dad to pick up his phone, I stare at the view from my room. The Savannah River is simply magical at this time, but somehow it saddens me too. I've only been here a couple of times to visit my mother in the last three years, but everything seems to be tainted. It saddens me immensely that I have no pleasant memories of my mother, either.

"Annie?"

"Hey, dad. We just arrived a few minutes ago." I take a few steps back from the window and sit at the edge of the king size bed.

"Where are you staying?"

"The Bohemian" I roll my eyes not really knowing why he wants to know.

"Are you ready for tomorrow, kiddo?"

No. "Yeah, sure. Bob is expecting us at 10 AM tomorrow. From there one we will be driving to the cemetery together. According to Bob, it is going to be a private burial with only us and a few close friends of Bob" I add.

"You don't have to do this, you know that don't you? Bob will understand, and if you want I can get on the first plane and I can be there in time for the funeral"

"That's not necessary dad. Kate and Ethan are here with me, besides, I'll be leaving for LA immediately after the funeral."

"Ethan is going with you to the Award Show, right?" I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes briefly.

"I was thinking of going alone," I say softly. "I need some time to myself and those few days in LA would be the perfect opportunity."

"You are not going to that Award Show alone, Annie. That son of a bitch will be there too…"

"I know, I know!" I say cutting him off. "Okay, I promise, I won't go alone." Now I still need to talk Ethan out of it. He is the last person I want there with me.

"Call me tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I will. I love you, dad"

"I love you too, Annie."

After I end the call I feel my heart hammering against my chest. With trembling fingers, I search for Christian's number through my list and take a deep breath when I push the call button.

"Grey"

"Christian, it's me…Ana. I was wondering if I could talk to Phoebe, I was hoping she's still awake" I rush out the words and it's a miracle he heard what I said.

"She's brushing her teeth at the moment" Jesus, he sounds so calm and aloof. So different than this morning. However, I can't help but close my eyes and imagine him while he watches Phoebe brushing her teeth. There is this deafening silence and I hate that things have become like this between us.

"Okay," I whisper. "I can call back later"

"Or you can talk to me," He says very matter of fact. However, there is something different about his voice, something I've never heard before.

"Christian, why are you doing this?"

"What am I doing, Anastasia? If we want this agreement to work we will have to talk, don't you agree? Besides, you made your point this morning. You don't want anything to do with me, I get that." Shit, he's so calm. How can he be so calm?

"Okay, I suppose you have a point" I admit.

"Perfect. Look I've received the letter from your lawyer and I need a few things added to it. One of them is that I want Fee to have protection when she's with you." Protection?

"A CPO," He adds as if he is reading my mind.

"Oh, right, yeah…of course…we can discuss the details later. Is Fee ready yet?"

"No, she isn't. There is something else I want to talk to you about. I asked Andrea, my assistant, to get in touch with your assistant, and to synchronize our schedules. I also want to add that I don't wish to spend longer than 5 days away from Free. If I have to leave for longer than five days, I'll take her with me."

"Meaning that I won't see her for longer than five days, right?" I snap.

"You can always join me on my business trip" He replies casually. Yeah, Grey, don't think so.

"We'll discuss that point some other time. Let me think about it."

"Very well, this is going better than I hoped" What the hell does that mean?

"Oh, and before I forget, I don't want Fee to be exposed to your revolving-door relationships. You can introduce him as soon as you consider things to be getting serious. I don't want Fee to be damaged by having her emotionally involved to someone that won't be there for the long haul. That means no overnight stays or PDA's. If your potential partner can't respect that, then he isn't worthy. You are a parent first"

"My revolving-door relationships?" I whisper incredulously.

"Yes, Ana, do you need me to explain what that means?" He sounds almost bored when he adds a little sigh at the end of his sentence. Who the fuck does he think he is?

"No, Christian" I reply in the same bored tone. "You don't need to explain that to me, but for your information, I don't tend to have revolving-door relationships"

"Right. Well, good to know. You see, I found out that I actually didn't know you at all. I mean you kept bigger secrets, so who knows how many guys you have dating through all these years."

"You are completely out of line!"

"I am not trying to insult you, Ana. You are a free woman, you can do whatever you want…or maybe you are not a free woman, after all, considering Kavanagh claimed you this morning,"

"Christian…"

"But that's not the point, I couldn't care less about that stupid fucker. I do care about my daughter and I don't want her to get emotionally attached to some fucker who she may not be seeing again."

"Whatever, Christian…" I feel drained having this conversation with him. His coldness is something so foreign that I have no idea how to react. But the longer I talk to him, the stranger he sounds.

"Assuming Phoebe has finished brushing her teeth, can you please put her on the phone?"

"Ah, about that. You see I lied. She is already sleeping and you should have known, Ana. It is 8:30 PM here in Seattle."

"You asshole!"

"I didn't see any other way in talking to you since you are set on keeping this all business. I can do that, Anastasia, I can do business."

"You are not playing fair, Christian."

I hear his sharp intake of breath. "I am not playing fair? Do you really want to talk about being fair, Anastasia? Because you didn't even have the fucking courtesy to listen to me this morning…"

"Fuck you, Christian!"

"Don t you dare hang up on me!" He growls.

"You are keeping her away from me…" A sob catches in my throat and I cover my mouth with my hand.

"I will never keep her away from you, but you suddenly had to go away, for what, Ana, some special modeling gig that you can't keep away from? Well wake up and smell the fucking coffee! Having kids takes a lot of responsibility! It is really hard work, it places intense demands on your time and energy!"

"Do you think I wanted to leave her? You know what? I don't want to even talk to you anymore. Next time make sure I'll get her on the phone!"

Christian

"Hello…hello?" I look at the phone and growl frustrated when I finally figure out that she ended the call. She fucking hung up on me, even when I told her not to!

"She fucking hung up on me" I mutter. Grabbing the bottle from my desk, I take a big swig straight from the bottle. The heat of the bourbon spikes the roof of my mouth and down into my throat.

"Who were you just talking to?" I jump up from my brother's voice and drop the bottle from my hands. Well fuck!

"Jesus! Don't you know how to knock?"

"Who was that, Christian?"

"Elliot, don't you have your own house? What the fuck are you doing here again?"

"I won't ask you a third time, asshole…who was that on the fucking phone?"

"Ana…"

"You have to be fucking kidding me?"

"Blame the bourbon!" I chuckle. I close my eyes, the room spinning slightly when I bend down to pick up the bottle.

"You know what, Christian. This morning I felt sorry for you…"

I snort. "I've lost her anyway…" I shrug

"You haven't lost her, Christian, you just have to give her some fucking space! You know the kind of space you demanded when you were this fucked up teenager with his broody mood swings!"

"Fuck you, Elliot. And when did you become Dr. Phil?" I growl in frustration when I notice that the bottle is empty.

"You know what? Go home and get a life, Elliot. I don't need you. I don't need anyone!"

"I am going home, but not until you have listened to what I've got to say to you. What you just said to Ana…"

"How much did you hear?" I mutter.

"Will you just shut the fuck up?" He leans with his hands on my desk until his face is seriously close to mine. He has this crazy look in his eyes that I've only seen a few times…and those times we both got into a brawl.

"I get that you are feeling out of control, but what you said to her was despicable and completely out of line. She didn't go to a fucking modeling gig, you son of a bitch!"

"Then where the fuck did she go to!"

"That's what I came here to tell you, but now that I think about it, you don't deserve to know. I've had your back since the moment you fucked up. I've put my work on hold and even my relationship with Kate is shaky at best, but then I find out that you still haven't learned from your mistakes."

"Where did she run off to, Ell!"

"You don't need me…right, Christian? Go and ask your fantastic, top-notch security team where she went…"

"And since we are talking about that bunch of idiots that you call your security. Have they finally found out who kidnapped Fee from Ana?"

"No…we hit a dead end…"

"Well, maybe you should hire better staff then…"

"What the fuck is your deal!" I bellow. I try to stand up, but he pushes me back down.

"My deal is that you called her neglectful again while you don't even know why she had to leave. You are the biggest hypocrite I know."

"I am here, aren't I? Haven't I been here for my daughter the last few years?"

"Yeah, you are here, man, but what happens if Fee wakes up and sees you drunk off your ass? Didn't you just tell her that having kids is a huge responsibility…well, maybe I am wrong, but I don't see you acting very responsible at the moment…"

"Fuck you, Elliot. You saw her with that Kavanagh fucker this morning, I have been replaced…just like that! You heard what he said."

"I can't believe you built a company from the ground up. Did you see how she reacted to what he said? Did she tell you that she is in a relationship with Ethan?"

"No…"

"Then grow the fuck up and pull yourself together. If you want her back…"

"I do want her back, Elliot…I want her back so badly…but when I saw her name on the screen, I just lost it…and her voice…she has the sweetest voice."

I grab my phone from the desk, determined to call Ana and apologize to her, but before I am able to hit one key, my brother roughly pulls it from my grip.

"Hey…what…"

"You are not going to call her back while you are still drunk! Christian, give her space…she has been through hell and back. Did you stop for a second to think about what she's been through?"

Pathetically, I lean my head on my desk and close my eyes. "She won't tell me anything, Ell, she won't even listen to me…"

"Just get a shower, Christian, and go to sleep. I'll stay in the guest room in case Fee wakes up. In the morning I will take her to see mom and dad, and while I am there you will have all the time to call Ana and apologize to her."

Anastasia

"I didn't know I was living with a monster, Ana" I gaze at the small group of people gathered outside Bob's backyard.

"If I had known what she did to you"

"It's okay Bob…"

"It's far from okay" He sighs and softly squeezes my hand. "Do you know that I found out by accident that she had a daughter?" I don't know why I am surprised by his admission, but I am. Also, the last thing I want to do right now is discussing my mother, but he needs this. He needs to get this off his chest.

"I was so captivated by her beauty that I dismissed her weird behavior. I thought her arrogance was a form of self-confidence."

"The first thing your mother asked me when I met her was if I had kids." He takes a deep breath and brushes his hand over his face. "I found it a little odd at the time, but it all makes sense now." His eyes dart to mine quickly and I have to look away when I see the deep hurt and betrayal flickering through his eyes.

"I was shocked when I found out you were her daughter and that she had somehow managed to keep something so huge hidden from me. When I confronted her she somehow managed to turn it around. She made me feel as if I had hurt her and I really started doubting myself. From that moment on I tried to do the right thing to please her and to keep the peace."

I nod squeezing his hand in return, knowing exactly what he means. In her eyes, my mother was flawless and every time I made her aware of one of her flaws, she took it out on me. And even though I knew how she was going to react beforehand, I was never prepared.

"It wasn't your fault, Bob," I say with a shaky voice. "She was insulting and blamed others for her own flaws and mistakes. She had a talent in saying the right things at the right time to confuse you, belittle and degrade you. She purposefully sought ways to make you feel worthless and subjugate you to her will."

I close my eyes tightly when I see Bob's shoulder shaking. "Bob, my mother used her charm and beauty to manipulate you and to pull you in. Then she would slowly manipulate the truth to create doubt and confusion. That was Carla and please, Bob, don't ever think it was your fault."

"I am selling the house," He says shifting in his chair. "I only bought it because she wanted it…" He sighs.

"There are still a few boxes with photographs and other keepsakes…do you want them?" It breaks my heart when I see his red-rimmed eyes looking up at me.

"Sure" I whisper. "And if there is anything I can do for you…anything…please don't hesitate to ask, Bob…"

"There is one thing" I relax slightly when I see the corners of his lips turning upwards.

"Anything"

"I would love to meet your daughter" Tears spring in my eyes when he mentions Phoebe and I nod my head eagerly.

"You can come and visit us anytime you want. Look…" I fumble with my phone, my fingers nervously unlocking my screen until I find a picture of Phoebe. She is grinning cheekily at the camera while her eyes are twinkling with joy.

"She looks just like her mother," He says smiling. "She looks happy"

"She is a very happy girl, witty and smart," I admit. "Christian did an amazing job" I ad softly.

My thumb accidentally touches the screen and the next picture is one of Christian, Phoebe and myself. We are lying in the grass, Phoebe in the middle, smiling brightly at the camera. Sadness settles in my chest. We were so happy that day. It was perfect. What the hell happened to us?

"Is that Christian?"

"Yes…" I whisper and quickly close the screen, not being able to look at that picture any longer.

"You look happy there, Ana."

"We are not together anymore" I blurt out. "Things …he…" Words get stuck in my throat and I mindlessly start to fumble with my phone.

"I know what he did," Bob says placing his warm hand on mine. "Your dad called me yesterday and told me what happened when you returned to Seattle," He stares at me for a long time, his soft eyes radiating wisdom and softness.

"I know that you haven't asked for my opinion and that you are a grown woman who is able to make her own decisions. Thereby, I am probably not the best person to give you advice in the love department, but…" He shakes his head and I giggle when I see the blush creeping on his face.

"Let me just ask you this. Do you love him?"

I nod. "But I don't think I am able to forgive him…he…we are broken beyond repair"

"Sometimes it's not about fixing what's broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better." He points at my phone. "Think about it, Ana, you are a sensible person. Think about that beautiful little girl"

"Ana, Bob," Hannah says softly. "It's time to leave"

We both nod at her and rise from our chair but before I turn around I feel Bob's hand on my arm. "Thank you for being here today, Ana. I know how hard this must be for you…" His eyes are darting around the living room and then he settles them back on me. "Let me say this to you; Carla doesn't deserve you being here."

I look at my surroundings when we get seated in the old and uncared burial chapel. My mother would have hated this place, I think.

"I am not looking in that casket, Ana" I know I shouldn't look at Kate, but I do. Her face is white as a ghost and she is clinging on to my hand to the point of pain.

"Are you going to sign that book?" Ethan whispers in my ear.

"Um. Definitely not."

"How long does this take!" Kate hisses, her hold on my hand growing tighter by the second. "And who is the creep in the suit and oh…are we going to have cake at the gathering later?" Her eyes go wide and a smile forms on her face.

"Cake? I don't think so, Kate…" I glance at the guy in the suit, hovering near my mother's casket. Kate's right, he is a creep.

"I think it's only fair, I mean what's a party without cake?" She shrugs casually and gives me a wink. "Sorry not sorry" She adds with a little chuckle.

"You know I once went to an Irish wake when the father of a buddy of mine passed. It lasted 3 full days and it includes drinking and singing"

"Well, I could definitely use a drink right now" Kate mutters.

My gaze wanders off to Bob who is talking to an elderly couple, and even though I know his feelings about my mother are completely mixed up after she so smugly confessed having kidnapped my little baby, I know he's hurt. He is grieving. And there is nothing I can do to help him.

Before I know it, I hear someone saying that we are now moving on to the graveside. I watch the bearers walking forward and puck up the coffin. I am being pulled out of my chair by Ethan and soon we are walking behind my mother's coffin towards the cemetery. From the corner of my eye I watch Hannah walking in the direction of our car.

It's surreal and while I watch the people surrounding me I try to evoke feelings of sadness and grief, but there is nothing. Only when I look at Bob, who is walking a few rows in front of me, and I see his hunched shoulders, is when I feel something in my chest. However, I know that it has nothing to do with my mother's passing. It makes me feel a little guilty because it feels like I am grieving for Bob and not my mother.

The closer we get to the graveside the more unsettled I start to feel. Without thinking I slip my hand into Ethan's and take deep calming breaths. Ethan's hand doesn't bring me the comfort I need, but I cling on to him regardless. I'm trying to remember happy memories of my mother because there have to be good memories, right? But regardless of how hard I think, I keep coming up short.

For a moment, I blame myself, thinking that I am being dramatic or playing the martyr, but the fact is that every memory I have of my mother, I remember feeling tense and nervous since I was always trying to assess her mood.

When we stop and I lift my head I see that we have reached the side of my mother's grave. The grave site is covered with artificial grass, probably to hide the earth. I feel Ethan's hand slipping out of mine when I am being pulled forwards and before I know it I am standing next to Bob, at the head of the grave. I search through the group of people to find Ethan or Kate and I start to panic slightly when I see they are gone.

"We're here. Right behind you." I have never been so glad to hear Kate's voice before.

Detached I watch the bearers placing the coffin on struts and knowing that they are going to lower her into her grave any minute now, I still I don't feel anything. I've read and heard many times, that a mother's death is one of the most painful experiences people face. How can I hate the woman who carried me for nine months?

Suddenly I hear the music. At first, I can't hear the lyrics very well but then I feel Kate's hand holding on to mine.

"Who picked out this music?"

I shake my head.

'Cause you were amazing

And we did amazing things

And I wouldn't change it

'Cause we were amazing things

Not being able to listen to the lyrics my mind somehow drifts back to the moment I woke up and my dad told me that Phoebe was gone, and suddenly I start crying and can't stop. I start remembering all the times when it tried to make my mother proud, but she always told me it was never good enough. And when it comes down to it, I was never good enough.

Through my tears, I see the creepy guy with the suit stepping forward and he starts speaking about my mother's good spirit and the amazing job she did raising a child on her own. And that's when I lose it, I start sobbing uncontrollably. I feel strong arms surrounding me and we are walking towards the car, away from my mother.

"Oh, shit" Kate tenses next to me. "I thought this was a private service?" She hisses.

"Keep walking and don't look at them," Ethan mutters. "Ana, don't look up and hold on to me and Kate. Somehow someone alerted the media and the place is swamped with paparazzi"

I do make the mistake of looking up and I hold still when I see almost twenty photographers standing next to our car.

"Anastasia, we are sorry for your loss!"

"Anastasia! Where is Christian Grey?" Oh, God.

I'm being pulled from one way to another as the photographers swarm around us with their huge lenses pointing at me.

"Get the fuck out of our way!" I hear Ethan shout.

The feeling is terrifying. We can't seem to get through the horde of journalists. With my eyes locked on my feet and one of my hands covering my face, we try to make our way to our car. Ethan next to me starts to swear.

"Kate run to the car!" He shouts. "Ana, hold on tight" I feel myself being lifted into his arms. I quickly bury my face in the crook of Ethan's neck and try to keep my body from shaking. But despite all the chaos surrounding me, I am shocked by my own thoughts. I wish Christian was here with me.

I feel relief washing over me as I am being placed in the car. The doors close and lock eyes with Hannah who is sitting behind the wheel.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes. Just get me out of here, please."

"What the hell happened out there?" Ethan is beside himself when we finally sit down in my room.

"The guy in the black suit, that was your mother's lawyer. It seems that your mother orchestrated this whole thing before she passed away…"

"The music, the eulogy…" I whisper.

"I am sorry, Ana. The car was surrounded by paps, there was nothing I could do" Hannah says. "The pictures are all over the internet, Ana."

"It's okay...I don't care about the pictures. I just want to get out of here"

Determined I rise from my chair and start mindlessly shoving clothes into my suitcase.

"Ana…"

"Can I please be alone for a few minutes?" I ask without looking up. Kate softly brushes my hand with hers. "I'll be in my room if you need me"

I hear them walking out and the moment I hear the soft click of the door, I let the clothes fall from my hand and reach into my bag to collect my phone.

"Pick up, pick up, pick up!" I whisper clutching the phone in my hand.

"Christian, pick up the fucking phone!" I growl frustrated.

After calling him five times, I give up. He told me he wasn't going to keep her away from me.

Will I ever be able to deal with this? Is he going to take her away from me? Alienate her?

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Phoebe doesn't even know I am her mother. She isn't even expecting me to call her. She doesn't need me as she needs Christian, and he knows that. That knowledge is heartbreaking and terrifying.

Song: Alex Lloyd's - Amazing