Chapter 21: Transformation

I felt my spirits soar as I looked over at him, a broad but trembling smile breaking my features. "Edward, thank you." I managed to squeak through a choked voice. But Carlisle spoke at almost the same moment that I did. "Son, are you sure?" He questioned seriously, his perfect, blond eyebrows knitting together in only the slightest concern. He looked more intent than worried about the matter, but Edward nodded immediately before the words had even finished trailing off of his father's lips.

"Yes." His voice was little more than a strained whisper, but it was definite. He wasn't going to let someone else do it, and this made me happier than I'd been in days. "Please, Carlisle," He continued, begging his father with the aid of a desperate and almost frantic look about his eyes, "this is something I have to do."

Hearing him say this surprised me, but Carlisle seemed to understand perfectly. He nodded once and stepped away, taking Edward's place against the wall as Edward took a step toward me. He exchanged glances with his father momentarily, Carlisle nodding again as a look of complete knowing came over his features. He understood and was more than glad to let his son take over. Placing one hand on Edward's shoulder, only a few comforting words escaped Carlisle's lips then. "I'm proud of you, Edward." He half-whispered, his smooth voice calm as he released him and returned to leaning casually against the wall.

That's when his son turned to me, and I was in Edward's arms in a matter of seconds, burying my face in his shoulder as I breathed in his amazing smell just one more time, letting only one tear sneak out as I felt his arms encircle my back, holding me tightly to him. I could feel him shaking, probably more so than I was. It was clear that he didn't want to do this, but I was glad he had decided to. Perhaps he felt it was his responsibility to do so or that it wouldn't have been right to let Carlisle do it. I couldn't be sure. All I knew was that I could never be more grateful to him for making the right choice.

"Oh, Bella." I heard him whisper, although it was muffled as his mouth and chin leaned into the bridge of my shoulder, resting there for a moment as he held me, kissing the skin of my neck where my shirt left it bare. I hugged him tighter now and I felt him do the same, as though never wanting to let go. I swallowed hard and managed a few short words. "Thank you so much." I murmured against him. But he pulled away then, still holding me in his arms, but far enough away to look into my face, which ended up only inches from his at the end of the motion.

Taking one of my hands in his, he held it up to his face, holding the back of it against his cheek and closing his eyes to savor the feeling, the warmth. He kissed it and drew in a shortened breath. I recognized the sound of the inhalation easily: he was crying. I saw no tears. There were never any tears, but he was crying.

After a moment he seemed to compose himself and, without letting go of my hand, he lowered it from his face and looked into my eyes seriously. "Do you have anything you want to take care of before we do this?" He asked, his voice composed but still choked somehow.

I shook my head. And then I thought of something else. "Should I eat something before it happens?" I wondered aloud, uncertain as to whether it would be a good idea to wake up as a hungry vampire in a hospital. But Edward looked impartial to this aspect and shrugged. "I don't think it's going to matter much." He assured me softly, causing me to furrow my brow in obvious unclearity. "Why not?" I asked, curious.

Now Edward smiled the tiniest smile, although it didn't reach his eyes. "You'll find out." He promised me gently. I let my eyes fall to his arms that were slung between us, his hands on my waist. I hated it when he said things like that. But this time I didn't care. Still, I kept my eyes down, noting for the first time that, although the fire had only been a couple of nights ago, the burns on Edward's arms were already nearly invisible. Amazing, I caught myself thinking as I looked at them. They were almost completely healed. Vampires never ceased to amaze me. All at once I couldn't wait until I was one. What was three days anyway? Practically nothing in the scope of eternity. It would be totally worth it.

I lifted my eyes to meet Edward's again and he froze, his muscles tense as he realized what he now had to do. But I took his face in my hands before he could move another inch toward me. "Edward, can I just…" the first four words came out quickly, catching his attention before I slowed down to savor the moment, my voice lowering, "can I just kiss you one last time?" I asked quietly, in a voice barely above a whisper. I knew I would still be able to kiss him after the change, but this would be the last time we ever did so as vampire and human, cold and warm, fragile and indestructible. I had to do it. For old time's sake if nothing else.

His eyes bore into me, growing sad again. His features tightened in a way that reminded me of someone who was trying not to cry. But he nodded, leaning into it at the same moment that he did so. I let my eyes close instinctively and savored the feeling of our lips coming together, his moving against mine with an affection and meaningfulness that I couldn't recall ever feeling to this degree before. I let another tear go. Just one more, allowing it to run down my cheek, the side of my nose and then down over our never-parting lips. I could taste the salt. His hands entwined themselves in my hair, pressing my face against his as my hands remained on either side of his jaw, never wanting to let him break away.

But he did eventually, pulling back only as much as an inch before he rested his forehead against mine, his arms sliding down my body to encircle my waist again. I let my arms fall around his neck, not planning to let him go no matter what this next minute held. "Okay." I heard him whisper ever so quietly as he looked up at me, his golden eyes finding mine. "Okay." I knew he was preparing himself as much as me for what he was about to do. For what he had agreed he would do. "I only have one favor to ask you." He murmured, never letting go of my gaze as his expression grew hard.

I nodded instantly, not at all concerned about what it might be. "Anything." I told him softly. His voice attained that choked, strained quality as he spoke again. "Close your eyes." He ordered.

I stared at him, not wanting to obey at first and miss out on anything he might do, but then, almost without a second thought, I let my eyelids slide shut, leaving myself completely at his mercy, and more glad for it than I would have thought. I couldn't stand to look at his pained expression any longer. But I kept my arms wrapped around his neck, making sure he didn't go anywhere while I was temporarily blinded. I felt him push my hair back behind my shoulders, clearing the skin on my neck for easy access. I found myself lifting my chin just slightly, just enough to expose my throat to him without seeming unbelievably obvious.

Then I felt him on my neck, the cool skin of his lips grazing it softly, making it tingle with a certain frightful pleasure. He spoke into my ear just a moment before it happened. "I love you." I heard him say. That's when I felt it. His breath stopped short. Something sharp touched my skin…his teeth? Yes. I was sure that's what it was. Then they pressed down…hard. They clamped. I felt the skin break. His teeth plunged into my vein. The shock hit me faster than the pain did. I was sure that's why I cried out. It didn't quite hurt just yet. But I couldn't believe he'd actually done it. I never thought he would really do it!

Then the pain hit and shock was suddenly the last thing on my mind. I tried to stop the scream before it reached my lips but I was too late. Edward pulled out immediately, satisfied that he'd gotten the venom into my bloodstream enough to get the job done. But now his attention was on me. I collapsed in his arms, sliding down his body until he caught me around the underarms, holding me up as gently as possible, although his touch was urgent.

My breathing suddenly became rapid as I struggled to control the pain, or at least to endure it in silence. I didn't want Edward to feel badly for doing this for me. But that hope was dashed the moment I caught his next words: "Oh, God." He whispered, his voice frantic as he held me against him, hugging me so tightly that I could feel his desperation to never let me go. "Oh, God, what have I done? What have I done!?" The anguish in his voice caused my heart to constrict painfully, pitifully…or was that the venom? I couldn't be sure. Either way, it was more painful than I could have ever imagined.

That old, familiar fire scorched through my veins more quickly than it had before, giving me the sensation that my neck may be broken as every tendon and muscle contracted violently, looking to ease the pain but unable to recognize it. It was foreign to them, alien. It raced down my throat and into my chest cavity, making it difficult for me to breathe, constricting, burning.

I gasped for breath, crying out again when I could find my voice. "Oh, God." Now Edward's voice was panicked. I didn't dare open my eyes. I didn't want to see his face. Then his voice was away from me, pleading. "Carlisle!" He shouted, alarmed and clearly agonized. "Carlisle, what do I do?"

His father's answering voice was calm and nearing, as though he was approaching me, his mood controlled. "Get her on the bed." He commanded gently. I was vaguely aware that I was slowly sinking to the floor. That's when I felt Edward's arms around me, lifting me off of my feet, causing the burning to flood my arms and lower back. It was spreading… My back hit the sheets of the hospital bed, but I couldn't let my muscles relax even as I was suddenly laying down. They were tense. Too tense. All too suddenly, I realized with a painful shudder what I'd gotten myself into. I had an entire three days of this to endure? And it was only going to get worse…much, much worse…

I felt as though there were knives protruding from every inch of my body, screaming to be released from the muscles, the blood vessels. I opened my mouth to say something but the only thing that escaped from it was another cry. A scream of pain.

Then I heard Edward's agonized voice again. "No." He was saying over and over again. "No, no, no, no NO, NO!" I heard a startling crash. He'd thrown something against the wall. Broken something. His temper was flaring as much as the fire in my veins was. I could feel it from here. This pained me more than anything. I didn't want him to regret doing what he'd done, but it was too late for that now. I couldn't say anything to him…couldn't tell him…

My head had started to throb. My face felt hot, wet. I knew I must have been sweating terribly. The pain was accelerating. It was getting worse. Getting worse way too quickly. Something cool touched my forehead, granting me the incredible sweetness of salvation if for only a moment. Edward was back at my side. I heard his enraged voice just above my face. "Can't you do something?" He demanded of his father, his voice still loud, angered. "Give her something for the pain? Anything!?"

I envisioned Carlisle shrugging just by the tone of his composed answering voice. "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do." He replied gently, his tone still irritatingly calm. "There isn't a pain medication in the world strong enough to help her now. And even if we did give her something, it would stop working the minute her heart did. When that stops, everything does."

I heard Edward gasp in a sharp breath. It was the sound of someone who was crying, anguished. "Oh no." I felt his forehead touch my arm, resting against it. Agony flared. "When will that happen?" He demanded.

"It will be the last thing to happen in the transformation." I heard Carlisle assure him, his tone still quiet.

"Can we monitor that somehow?" Edward asked then.

I heard something being switched on next to my head. Something electronic. It was whirring and revving as it started up. The sound echoed painfully in my brain. Something touched my wrist, holding my hand up and then clamping down on my finger hard. So hard that I was able to feel my own pulse in my fingertip as my hand was dropped back onto my stomach. Then I heard the steady, even beeping of the heart monitor, understanding now what had been done to me.

I felt the temperature in my hand drop as Edward grasped it, taking it up in his own and holding it affectionately to his face, kissing the skin on the back of it twice. "Oh, Bella," he whispered down to me, anguished, "Bella, I'm so sorry. Bella, can you hear me? I love you." I recalled hearing these words once before, used in the same, pained context. Horrible memories flashed back to me suddenly of that day in the dance studio with James…when Edward found me.

I tried to say something. I opened my mouth but the only thing that made it across my lips was an indiscernible murmur. Even I was entirely certain what I'd meant to say. Maybe that I loved him, that it was alright, that I was glad, even now that he'd done it…I didn't know. So many things I wanted to say. So many things that I couldn't. Pain wracked my entire body now. I was astonished at how quickly a vampire's venom could spread. It must have been record-breaking. I'd once heard that the venom of a box jellyfish could kill you in less than two minutes. So why couldn't this be over that quickly? Then again, I supposed it would take longer to kill you, bring you back to life and then transform you into something that was almost entirely inhuman.

I felt hot tears run into my ears and was suddenly aware that I was crying again, although not out of emotion this time. I couldn't get rid of the pain! I just wanted it over with! Three days!? I screamed again as shooting agony flared up my stomach and back into my chest, then down into my sides and around the muscles in my back, causing them to spasm unbearably. I found myself squeezing Edward's hand harder than I'd ever thought possible. I knew what he must have wanted to do in that moment. But he couldn't. Not only because I wouldn't have let him, but because the venom had already been spread far too diversely to be sucked back out again. It was already all over.

I was suddenly aware that Edward and Carlisle were conversing again quietly, urgently. I tuned it in enough to hear only for a moment. "…couldn't we have taken her into the woods? Or to Italy?" Edward was asking of his father desperately, clearly concerned that someone here would find us and realize what was going on somehow. Carlisle's voice was calm and reasoning upon response. "We didn't have enough time to get to Italy, Edward, you know that." He replied sternly. "With transformation time included, by the time it was over it would have been too late. And only God knows who would have heard her in the woods. Victoria's still out there, don't forget. And the wolves." His voice took on an ominous tone. "Do you know what would have happened if those down in LaPush caught wind of this? No. It's best for her to be in a safe and secure environment, at least for the moment."

I understood all of this, but it was still despairingly hard to think of those who'd recognized me already. If Charlie ever found out…

A cold hand touched my forehead and I knew instinctively that it was Carlisle's. "Bella, honey, try to relax." I heard his soothing, calm voice hovering just above me. But I shook my head almost violently in response and managed a few strained words. "Can't." I exclaimed, gasping for breath as I did so. "It hurts!"

Then, Edward's voice: "I know, Bella. I know." His free hand touched the opposite side of my face to him and held it there as his lips pressed gently against the other side. I heard him sniff sorrowfully. His voice quieted to a whisper that was clearly not meant for me to hear. "Oh dear God, help her." He prayed aloud.

That's when I heard Carlisle's voice again. "Don't you worry, Bella. This is all going to be over soon."

Not soon enough, I couldn't help but think. I cried out again.