Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.

Chapter 21: The Passenger Swap Diversion

Sheldon checked he had everything and then opened his office door to come face to face with an older woman with blue rinsed hair. "Hello, can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Dr. Cooper."

"I'm Dr. Cooper but I'm now on vacation until Monday, so anything you have to say will have to wait until then."

"You can't spare me five minutes?"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but no, my flight to Houston leaves in two hours and I have a taxi waiting," Sheldon said, closing his office door and locking it. "Good day."

He then hurried off, giving his visitor no further thought.

His second encounter of the day was to be far less pleasant. As he nervously plucked at his trousers, Sheldon looked up to see who'd been assigned the seat next to him on the plane and immediately said, "You can't sit there."

Leonard Hofstadter sat down in his seat. "Why not?"

"Because you ruined my experiment."

"You ruined my career."

"Then I guess we're even," Sheldon said in response. "Now move."

Leonard spoke to the stewardess closest to him. "This man and I aren't friends, and I'd go as far as to say I hate him, so is there anywhere else I can sit?"

"I'm afraid we're full, Sir," the stewardess said. "But I'll check to see if anyone wishes to exchange seats with you."

She returned a short time later with bad news. "I'm afraid that no-one in first class wishes to move, so you'll have to remain in your designated seat unless you don't mind exchanging with a coach class passenger."

Sheldon shuddered. "Absolutely not."

"Same here."

"In that case I'm afraid the two of you will have to make do, Sir," the stewardess said.

"But there's a seat over there," Sheldon pointed out an empty seat.

"It's taken," the stewardess said. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for trying," Leonard said politely, before casting an evil look at Sheldon. "So why are you on this plane?"

"I should be asking you the same question."

"I was offered a better position," Leonard boasted. "At Rice University…"

Sheldon broke in, unable to keep quiet. "That University, as you probably won't know, is noted for its applied science programs in the fields of artificial heart research, structural chemical analysis, signal processing, space science, and nanotechnology, so…"

It was now Leonard's turn to interrupt. "Of course I know, and I'm also well aware that it was ranked first in the world in materials science research by the Times Higher and that it's produced 101 Fulbright Scholars, 20 Marshall Scholars, and 12 Rhodes Scholars."

Sheldon smirked as he asked the question he'd been about to when Leonard had interrupted him. "So why are they employing you?"

"Because I'm the best in my field," Leonard said, puffing out his chest.

"Or perhaps it's because Mummy put in a good word for you," Sheldon responded.

"My mother…" Leonard began, only for Sheldon to interrupt again.

"Told me everything," Sheldon said with a big smile. "How you were voted the most unpopular professor in the school, how every time someone played a prank on you…"

"A prank?" Leonard squeaked. "They shot at me with an AK47!"

"My, you really were unpopular, weren't you?" Sheldon mocked, before sighing. "But that's no surprise since those students were encumbered with a so-called scientist for a teacher whose main field is that of copying others research."

"It's better than researching an electric can opener," Leonard retorted.

"On reflection, I really should thank you for that," Sheldon said, a small smile playing on his lips.

Leonard's eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Because without your interference I never would have gotten Penny."

"Hasn't she discovered you're not a real boy yet?"

Sheldon smirked. "I know from the petty remarks you've posted online that you've seen the videos 'Scientists Gone Wild'. Now, given that you've seen them and what went down, tell me I'm not a real boy, something Penny could no doubt confirm. I do believe she called me a 'dang good kisser' on there."

Leonard decided he'd rather endure coach than have to listen to Sheldon rubbing it in about Penny, and he therefore turned away to speak to the stewardess. "I've changed my mind. If there's a seat free in coach, I'll take it."

"I'll swap with Dr. Cooper," the same woman who Sheldon had seen earlier that morning outside of his office offered, as she stepped into the first class compartment of the plane. "I'd like to talk to Dr. Hofstadter."

"There's no accounting for taste," Sheldon murmured. But upon spotting that the seat the woman should have been seated in was the one he'd requested at check-in and had failed to get, he unsnapped his seatbelt and moved to sit next to a pretty dark-haired girl, who smiled vacantly at him before returning to her crossword puzzle.

A short while later an outburst from Leonard caught both Sheldon's and the girl's attention, and they both looked over to see Leonard was sitting with his arms folded and his lips pursed as he repeated his earlier outburst, but this time a little more quietly.

"Not a chance."

The woman with blue hair spoke loudly enough for them to hear her say, "Young man, if you don't exchange places with Dr. Cooper, I promise I'll carry out my threat, now move!"

Leonard got up and moved reluctantly over to where Sheldon was now seated. "You need to switch seats with me."

"Why would I do that? This seat is Seat 3B."

"Oh God, you're going to tell me exactly why you prefer it, aren't you?"

"I am," Sheldon confirmed, before proceeding to do exactly that. "Seat 3B is close enough to the emergency exits that I stand a good chance of getting out without being trampled in the case of an emergency."

Leonard suspected he knew what else was coming and so he pre-empted Sheldon. "And don't tell me, it's not so close to the toilets that you'll get a whiff of whatever the occupant is doing."

"Nor will I have to listen to them, so I'm not moving."

"If you don't move, she's going to blackball me."

"Then I'm definitely staying where I am."

"She's Dr. Helena Rantzenburger."

Sheldon looked suspiciously at the woman sitting across the aisle. "She looks nothing like her."

Leonard turned back to face the woman and lifted up his hands as if to say 'what now'.

The woman waved her hands at Leonard, pointing at Sheldon.

Leonard sighed. "Look, just talk to her, okay? It might be the big break you've been looking for."

Sheldon gave him a look of derision. "Hofstadter, do you really expect me to fall for that?"

"Fall for what?"

"She turned up at my office this morning and then miraculously she manages to end up on my flight claiming to be a famous scientist, who, by the way, she looks nothing like."

"Then tell me how I managed it when I didn't even know you'd be on this flight."

"I spoke to your mother last night and she knew," Sheldon said, glancing at the woman across the aisle. "How much did he pay you?"

"He didn't pay me anything, Dr. Cooper," the woman said. "I am Dr. Helena Rantzenburger."

The girl sitting next to Sheldon couldn't resist joining in, backing Sheldon in a cut-glass English accent by saying, "And I'm the queen of England."

"Excuse me," Leonard said, "but this is none of your business."

"You didn't say that when you were trying to chat me up before we boarded," the girl said, before saying to Sheldon, "Can you believe this guy? He told me he was a North Pole explorer."

Leonard went red. "Well, I have been to the North Pole and I was doing exploration."

"You were performing sabotage," Sheldon countered. "And you're not going to repeat that performance by trying to pass that woman off as a famous scientist."

"She just managed to pick a hole in some of my work."

Sheldon was hardly impressed. "A first year student could pick a hole in your work."

The woman then said, "My colleagues at Oxford and I have been working with Helmholtz-Zentrum Berlin für Materialien und Energie."

Aware that this work involved magnetic monopoles, Sheldon yawned as if bored. "Nice try, madam, but no cigar. He knows only too well how much I'd be interested in that." He then addressed the stewardess. "Excuse me but this man and that woman with the blue hair are bothering me."

The stewardess immediately leapt into action and held out a hand to point towards Leonard to his seat. "Sir, if you would sit down, please."

Sheldon stuck out his tongue as Leonard did as he was told. However, Sheldon's satisfaction was shortly to vanish as the plane began to taxi and he nervously gripped the arms of the chair, repeating over and over again, "I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die."

The word 'die' came out as a loud scream as the plane lifted up and left the ground and the screaming grew louder as the plane flew higher, forcing the girl next to him to take action. She punched him, hard, knocking Sheldon out and a small cheer went up.

Leonard was impressed and despite his earlier irritation with the girl, he leant across the aisle and asked, "How did you do that?"

"I'm a boxer, obviously," the girl said in a voice filled with sarcasm.

"You're not really, are you?"

"No, I'm an actress."

Leonard looked at the girl in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yes, really," the girl said. "I learnt to box for my latest film, 'Boxer Girls of LA versus the Aliens of Mars."

Leonard winced. "Sounds, um, wonderful."

"It was dreadful," the girl said honestly. "But it earned me two grand to take back home to Houston."

"But aren't you British?"

"No, I'm not," the girl said, slipping easily into an American accent.

Now that she was talking to him in a decidedly more friendly manner, and, believing he might actually have a chance with the girl after all, Leonard continued to chat to her. "Have I heard of you before?"

"My stage name is Lesley Harbinger," Lesley offered up.

The man in front of her turned around and looked between the gaps in the seats. "I thought I recognized your voice. You were in Attack of the Killer Zombies of Mars."

The mention of killer zombies of Mars filtered through to Sheldon and he came to screaming, "Danger, danger!"

"I want to hit him this time," Leonard said, unclipping his seatbelt and stepping across the aisle.

Spotting Leonard's raised fist, Sheldon began to scream even louder. "Help! I'm being assaulted. Help!"

Suddenly a man burst through the curtains. Aware of what this man had to be, Leonard hit the deck before even being told to, screaming, "I'm unarmed, I'm unarmed."

"Put your hands behind your head."

Leonard did as he was told and was quickly secured to his seat. "I was only going to punch him. And she did it first."

Lesley looked in disgust at Leonard. "You really are a little worm."

"Ma'am, is this true?"

"He was hysterical, so I slapped him and he passed out," Lesley lied.

"Sir?"

"I don't remember," Sheldon said honestly. "Well, I remember screaming I'm going to die but that was it."

"I'd like to bring the flight down early."

"But you can't," Sheldon interrupted. "My girlfriend needs me."

"I'm sorry, Sir, but it's protocol." The man then spoke quietly to the stewardess, who relayed a message to the pilot.

Sheldon was more than a little frustrated when an announcement was made a short time later.

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to an unexpected illness on board, we'll be making an unscheduled landing in Las Vegas."

Sheldon closed his eyes and began to pray to the God he didn't believe in as they began to make their descent. The moment the plane had made contact with the ground, he knew he couldn't go through it again and he leaned around and addressed the seated stewardess. "Miss, I want to get off."

Sheldon got his wish, as he, together with Leonard and the girl next to him, were escorted off the plane.

After being questioned he was released an hour later and, as he dashed into the concourse of the airport, determined to find some way of getting to Penny that didn't involve flying, he spotted the blue haired woman, and it was obvious she was waiting for him.

"Dr. Cooper, I've arranged for a car to take you on to Houston."

"Not a chance," Sheldon said, not trusting this woman one bit. "Hofstadter is going to have you kill me or something and then dump my body in the desert."

"That's a little overdramatic, Dr. Cooper," the woman said.

"I arranged for him to be stuck in a country where the students attacked him with an AK47," Sheldon said to her. "Now tell me I'm being overdramatic."

"Then let me prove I am who I say am to you." She then handed Sheldon a cell phone and a laptop. "Please feel free to look up Rantzenburger Research in Oxford, England. Then call them and tell them Dr. Barker gave you my name in relation to the Odyssey Project and that they're to patch you through to my cell phone. You'll see then, when they're trying to interrupt the call you're on, that I am who I say I am."

Sheldon sat down and began to do as the woman said, a short time later hanging up. However, he was still hesitant as he addressed the woman. "Are you really Dr. Helena Rantzenburger because you don't look like her."

"I am but I'm incognito," she said, with a smile.

"Sort of like Batman."

"Except without the cool car, although I do have access to a few interesting gadgets." Helena then beckoned to a uniformed man Sheldon hadn't noticed until then who led them outside to her car.

Once seated inside of the car, Sheldon made an observation. "You look younger and very different from your picture."

"I've had plastic surgery," Helena admitted. "I was fed up of looking old and wrinkly, so I had a few procedures."

"You certainly don't look your age," Sheldon said, looking critically over Helena's face. "Your surgeon did some excellent work."

"I could give you her name."

Sheldon shuddered. "Thank you but no. The only surgery I ever wish to contemplate is the removal of my brain into a robotic form when the technology becomes available."

"You don't wish to die?"

"And waste my intellect?"

"I understand you have an IQ of 187."

"I do," Sheldon confirmed, before disparaging the system. "However, I don't truly believe the system appreciates my unique genius."

"I've heard on the grapevine that modesty isn't one of your failings."

"Sarcasm?"

"No, mere observation, Dr. Cooper," Helena said, before saying, "I'd like to hear more about your own work into magnetic monopoles."

"Is this that why you pursued me on to that flight, because I now imagine it can't have been to frighten Hofstadter, although you definitely did that."

"It wasn't, although that part was rather fun."

"I think I like you," Sheldon said with a smile. "Why were you going to blackball him?"

"I wasn't, but I thought he deserved to be taught a little extra lesson for his part in sabotaging your work."

"So you were lying?"

"Fudging the truth," Helena responded. "Although I could've placed a few phone calls and Dr. Hofstadter would have found himself unemployed. However, in addition to what happened on the plane today, I believe you've already had your revenge on him, and I don't hold a grudge against him personally."

"So why did you speak to him?"

"As I said, a little fun," Helena said, before looking keenly at Sheldon. "Something I understand you're usually rather fond of when flying."

Sheldon went red as he realized to what she was inferring. "Dear Lord, isn't there anyone who hasn't seen that video?"

Helena laughed. "I imagine there is but I came across it when I was researching you."

"May I ask why?"

"I'd like to offer you a position to work with my team in Oxford."

Sheldon wasn't entirely sure she was being serious. "Really?"

"Absolutely, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get you there." She gave Sheldon a naughty smile. "Although I'm afraid I'm a little too old to entice you with my body."

"It wouldn't matter what age you were, I doubt I'd be interested," Sheldon said truthfully. "My own girlfriend has enough trouble enticing me."

"It didn't look that way on the video."

"I was drunk and drugged," Sheldon shared.

"And again at the award ceremony where I saw you talking to that odious woman."

"You were there?" Sheldon was more surprised to learn this than he was insulted at Helena's description of his grandmother.

"I keep a low profile," Helena said truthfully. "Otherwise I end up plagued with endless requests to read papers for people and for job openings. I'm now more interested in real life than science but your case is different."

"Why?"

"Because you're one of the few people I think has potential," Helena informed him, before smiling as she said, "And you look cute when you smile."

Sheldon scowled. "I look nothing of the sort."

"Something about you must have piqued your young lady's attention."

"Her name is Penny," Sheldon revealed. "And we only got together to annoy Hofstadter."

"Tell me about it," Helena urged.

And so Sheldon found himself opening up to the stranger in the seat next to him. Eventually he ran out of things to say, although Helen didn't have the same problem.

"Is she an intelligent girl?"

"It depends on how you define intelligence."

"Our type of intelligence."

Sheldon snorted. "Then absolutely not, although she is good at memorizing your order."

"She's a waitress?"

"At the Cheesecake Factory."

"Take my advice and settle down with her," Helena said. "My first husband was just like me."

"Harold Carstone," Sheldon supplied unnecessarily.

"We argued like cat and dog." Helena then laughed. "And we never had sex. It was far too messy."

Sheldon was relieved to hear that someone else thought like him. "That's what I keep on trying to tell Penny, although she's still doing her best to try and convince me otherwise so that I'll have coitus with her."

Helena's amusement faded as her mouth dropped open. "You're trying to tell me you've never had sex."

"I haven't," Sheldon said, aware that the driver's head had stiffened as he was obviously listening in.

This became apparent when the driver added a comment of his own. "But I saw you in that video."

Sheldon gave Helena a severe look. "I told you everyone seems to have seen it."

"So you didn't join the Mile High Club?" the driver asked.

"Good grief!"

"That is rather personal," Helena said to the driver.

Sheldon went on to show that it wasn't the personal nature of the question that had bothered him. "Why is it everyone gets the cruising height of aircraft wrong?"

The driver ignored this comment to ask, "So you didn't?"

Sheldon shook his head at what he saw as the stupidity of the driver. "Since I've already made it perfectly clear that I'm still a virgin, the answer is obviously no, I didn't, not that it's any of your business."

Helena pressed a button and a window slid up, separating them from the driver. "Sorry, he's from a hire company and not my usual driver."

"You have a driver?"

"Yes, and if you agree to take the position I'm offering, you could too," Helena said after a few moments. "You'd also have an excellent salary, access to whatever you need to do your research, and, on occasion, the opportunity to visit CERN."

Sheldon gulped at the thought of achieving one of his lifelong ambitions. "CERN?"

"Yes."

Then, as he thought about why he was even sitting in the car, Sheldon came crashing back down to earth. "But what about Penny?"

"I'm afraid I can't offer a waitress a job."

"She's also an actress," Sheldon offered up. "I'm sure she could pretend to be a scientist."

Helena sighed. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper, but the offer is for you alone. I'm afraid the British government doesn't hand out visas for pretend scientists."

"But I can't leave Penny. She might not want to be my girlfriend if I did."

"So you don't want the position?"

"That's like saying to Einstein 'perhaps you shouldn't invent the theory of relativity'!" Sheldon exclaimed. "There must be some way Penny could come with me."

"She could visit."

"But then she'd expect me not to work and to take her out shopping and things like that," Sheldon said with a shudder. "It wouldn't work."

"I may have another possibility."

"What is it?" Sheldon asked excitedly.

"You could marry her."