"Isabelle. Isabelle get up you have to get to school." I shout from the other side of her bedroom door. Days like this make me hate Mia for making her such a shopaholic. I make my way downstairs to where I have to get breakfast started. They have to be in school in 45 minutes so we have time but that doesn't mean they have to be late.
"Hey so I'm staying after school today for extra practice. Can I take the car?" Isabelle asks. Elliot and I agreed long before she could drive that we wouldn't buy her a car. She would have to work and buy it herself. She's almost there though. We give her everything else thought so she could work for one thing. She works as a waitress after school for one of Mia many restaurants. Christian offered her a somewhat small job with him and she could always work doing something in Grey construction but she thought that being a waitress would be best. She can work three hours a day after school and weekends. Plus she gets pretty good tips from the uber rich and snobby of Seattle. I'm really proud of her.
"Fine but remember Teddy is coming today. And make sure you called aunt Mia to tell her you aren't working today." I remind her just as she finishes her shake.
"Mom I'm not working Tuesday through Thursday anymore. I'll work in the summer and weekends but it's my senior year and I have to focus on all my classes. Aunt Mia said it was cool." She says shrugging her shoulders. I've always spoiled my only girl but that doesn't mean I didn't make sure she didn't turn into a brat. Last thing I need is a spoiled princess on my hands. "And Jake's coming over today. We have a test tomorrow." I'm well aware that their studying will turn into making out but that's why I have two boys who are more than willing to barge into her room and piss her off every so often. Of course they don't do it for free but it benefits us all. I don't need to be a grandma before I'm forty.
Evan comes down the stairs with his gym bag. He's into football much like his dad and plays with Teddy on the school team. He's so much like is father. Same nose, eyes and hair. I can already tell that he'll have the same build as Elliot. I can't help but getting teary eyed as I see him eat. "I love you mom. See you later." Isabelle says as she runs out of the house, late.
"Are you going to Teddy's?" I ask Evan.
"No. He's coming here to spend the night. That's cool with you right mom? We already cleared it with the president, First Lady, and secret service." He refers to Teddy's body guard as secret service. I think Dylan is former secret service though. He's always joking about how Teddy is followed more than the president's kids so he refers to Christian as Mr. President.
"That's fine you know that." I say to him.
"Dylan is coming too." Where Teddy goes Dylan goes.
"I'm aware. I'll set up the guest room." I tell him cleaning up the kitchen as we speak.
"You know he's two years older than you. No kids. Phoebe thinks he's attractive. Said you would make a cute couple."
"Evan no. Stop that please." He says that about any man. It's very embarrassing actually.
"Just saying. I'm getting my shoes." That means he's ready to go. So am I.
"Feed Rudolph before we go." Rudolph is the dog I got Evan a few years after George "went away to a farm".
"Hey sweetie. Time to go. Mommy's got to work and you get to go to day care." I say to my youngest son. "Come on Elliot." I pick up my angry three year old and buckle him in the car as Evan takes his things in the car.
After work I pick up the boys from practice and Elliot from daycare to head home. We make a stop at a sports store because Evan needs to order a new mouth piece which I'll pick up later. I get him and Teddy a few new socks and some shirts. Sometimes I wish they didn't like football, why couldn't they go into basket ball or tennis, a sport that didn't require me to do laundry so often. I hate laundry. Isabelle has been doing her own lately so it's less but it's the stains that are difficult. I love my kids though. Today is Friday laundry day. The boys have a very strict bed time both here and at Christian's so they are in bed by nine thirty. It's easier to fight with them at night then in the morning. Jake's parents are late to pick him up so he and Isabelle are in the living room talking with Dylan supervising. Dylan has to use headphones though so they at least get privacy in their conversations though. That doesn't stop me today though. I'm all about giving her privacy but when I heard them talking about Elliot I couldn't stop myself.
"I was five when he got me." She says to jake, her boyfriend.
"When did he..." Most people don't ask how someone dies. It's just wrong to say it. Like it will offend the person.
"About a year later. My mom, my real mom she was into drugs. She died of an over dose. Her boyfriend started looking for me and turns out he was a pimp for a few girls. Don't ask why he wanted me. Anyways, when they confronted him things went... Not how they expected. The guy shot my dad Elliot. He died a few weeks later. We don't really talk about it." Her voice soften. I lean on the wall around the corner closing my eyes.
"Was he a nice guy?" Jake asks her.
"Yes. He was amazing. He would chase me around the halls and take me for ice cream after school. He was the best. My mom loved him. Loves him." She corrects herself.
"Still does?" He asks.
"Can't you tell?"
"Well she looks kind of sad. All the time."
"She's been like that since he died. She loves him."
"We don't have to talk about it izzy."
"I want to talk about it. No one else ever does."
"Tell me. I'll always listen." I knew I should leave. That this was her conversation, but the masochist in me loved hearing a bout Elliot though. I loved the ache in my chest that made me realize that he was there. That what we had was real.
"I was there, when he died. I remember that someone carried me away after a few minutes. I think it was so mom could cry. She didn't want to cry in front of me. After he died I slept in moms room for a few months. She didn't work, barely ate. Uncle Chris tried to force feed her and she kicked him out of the house. She took really good care of us but didn't worry about herself. Then I think a year after he died she kind of blew."
"Blew?" He asks for clarification.
"Aunt Ana's birthday, her friend was at the party. The friend dated my dad and she got pregnant, not his kids, but she tried to pass it off as his. Well I'm not sure what happened but my mom had a panic attack." I remember that day. That's the day I finally woke up.
ONE YEAR TEN MONTHS TEN DAYS SIX HOURS AFTER ELLIOT.
"I'm glad you came dear. Isabelle looks so well." Grace says as we sit in the lawn chairs. The party is finally over. I would leave but the kids are having too much fun.
"She has a little play next week." I tell her. "Maybe... If it's not too much trouble I mean. Maybe you and Carrick could come see her." I don't want her to look in the audience and only see me there for her. I hope they come.
"Of course dear. Saturday right?" I nod my head.
"It's both Friday and Saturday but you dont have to come both days."
"We'd love to go both days." She says enthusiastically. I know I should feel happy and proud. And I am I love Isabelle more each day. But being happy takes so much energy. Energy that my body can't seem to produce.
"Go where?" Mia and Ana say walking over. Mia is five months pregnant and hating it. Ana is carrying little phoebe in her arms. She's a beautiful baby. Just born days ago. Grace fills them in as I hug my knees giving them room on the chair.
"I'll go Saturday. Ana can you go Friday?" Mia says. They talk animatedly about how she'll look and what she'll say. Little do they know my baby is the star of the play. It's because she's so good. That's not me being a mom. It's true. It's not her first play so she knows what she's doing.
"Lina yes?" They said something about dinner. I nod so they go back to their talking. A little boy runs up to Ana and she picks him up. He hasn't been here all day. It's Kate's kid. I've seen them a few times come play with Teddy but never her. I once overheard Mia and Ana say that Kate hates me now, more than before.
"Sorry we're late. I had a huge story to cover." Kate says walking in with her tight jeans and accented designer top and jacket. Looking perfect, as usual. Grace and Mia are still at odds with her but at least she's civil. Or she was until that day.
"Peepee mommy." Evan says walking up to me. I potty trained him early. It wasn't easy. He's still not there but it's progress. Usually he tells me Peepee because it's too late but surprisingly his diaper is dry.
"Luke?" I walk up to Luke who without question follows me.
"Let's go buddy. We can go like big boys." Luke, whenever we see him, is the one who's been teaching Evan how to use the bathroom standing up. It's just another thing I can't do. Another thing Elliot will miss out on.
"Did you wash your hands?' I ask smiling at my two year old. He shows me his still wet hands smiling.
"Good boy. What do we say to uncle Luke?"
"Thank you." He runs off before I can say anything else.
"No problem." He says. "He seems to be getting the hang of it. Maybe I can take him on a Saturday so we can practice all day. Maybe I could take him to the mariners game this Saturday."
"That would be great. Thanks Luke."
"Anytime." I walk back to where Grace is taking a seat next to her.
"I remember Elliot and I when we went to aspen..." Said Kate. I wanted to punch her. She likes to reminisce about Elliot when I'm around. As if she has some right to do it. But she doesn't. He is my husband. I scoff at her so she stops to glare at me. Grace glares at her but she doesn't see it. "What, you think what we had wasn't real?" I shake my head looking away at Isabelle who is chasing the little kids. She and Sophie are "it" apparently.
"You're a bitch. Everyone likes to walk around saying that you were in love with him but you know that isn't true." That got my attention.
"Kate stop. Leave her alone." Ana says.
"No for the past year she's been mopping, pretending that she ever gave a shit about Elliot. Did you all forget what she did to her first husband." That definitely got my attention. I've never heard any one say that before. Not about Elliot.
"Fuck off." Mia says.
"Mia!" Grace no matter what is not a fan of that language.
"How much money did you get this time? Your net worth keeps growing doesn't it? Ever since you came into his life it turned to shit. And he couldn't just walk away because you got pregnant. Then there's the other little shit you forced into his life." Not Isabelle. My babies are perfect little angels. That I won't stand for.
"You don't know anything. Not about me or about Elliot. Especially not our kids. You'll always be that crazy girlfriend who lied because she was so desperate to stay with someone. We only put up with you because we love Ana. So you talking to me is a waste of my time. Don't try to act like you were different for him. And you don't get to critique my kids. You know nothing about them. I didn't force him into anything he wanted her. He dumped you because you didn't as far as I'm concerned it was your fault. But him dying that isn't on me. It's not on me. Not... My ...fault." I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even focus on something. I got up walking inside. The air was too cold outside. Inside it was no different. It's as if the walls were closing in. I think I tripped. I don't know. I just know I'm on the floor. There's someone talking in front of me but I can't hear them. It's just their mouths. It's Isabelle I think. "Get daddy." I tell her even though I'm suffocating. She leaves and is replace by Sophie. They have to get Elliot. He'll know what to do. Elliot is the only one who can help me.
I woke up after 38 hours. I had a panic attack is what they say. I don't remember but some where between yelling at Kate and when Isabelle found me I had take too many aspirins for the headache I had after yelling at her. That and my panic attack is what got me admitted to northwest hospital's psychiatric ward on suicide watch at the hospital. The kids stayed with Mia while I was there. Once I regained sanity or some of it I asked to meet with Christian.
"I want to see Isabelle's play. I should be there. I'll come right back I promise. I'll do whatever you guys want me to do but I don't want her to think she lost all her parents. Please Christian." He looked torn about the subject but I couldn't stop. She needed me there. I don't know how or what he did but he got the hospital to release me for three hours Friday and Saturday. She cried when she saw me after the play. It was only for a few minutes but she saw me.
After that is when I started to see again. I walked into the bathroom followed by my nurse to see that I had lost a lot of weight. I was under one hundred pounds. I shouldn't do this. Elliot would be so disappointed in me. I was so disappointed. Things changed after that day. I was forced into going to a support group for widows. I was forced to live with Grace and Carrick for the first month after my stay so they could keep an eye on me. I know it was partly because they didn't trust me with the kids but I don't blame them. I didn't trust myself to take care of them the way they deserve. I wouldn't hurt them. I haven't but I was slowly losing myself. After that month all the family, mine and Elliot's, agreed I could care for the kids but only if I had a nurse or some other adult. So I hired me a personal "Taylor", my Taylor came in the form of Maynard. I stole her from Christian. She was always my favorite. She basically kept an eye on me and the kids. Watched the grounds of the house and on occasion cooked for us. Well she ordered for us.
"So it got better after that?" Jake asks her as she retells what happened. Of course she wasn't as detailed because she was only seven at the time but times like that are engraved in our memory.
"Yea. My uncle Scott he showed her the ropes of running dad's company. So she took over. He says people were really sexist toward her at first some still are but she tried to do things the way daddy did them so they respect that. Not her but the way things didn't change. She took a few classes to get used to somethings but uncle Scott says she learned fast."
"That's good then. I don't see the problem."
"She lives in his shadow. Everything she does is for daddy." She tells him.
"Babe you're the same way. Isn't that why you are going to Washington state? You got into Harvard?" I know she would never leave me but hearing it come from someone else stings. I didn't know she applied to any school out of state.
"She needs me jake. And I need her." I'll always be here for her. Even if she left she'll be my baby.
"Just saying."
"You'll be here so that's a bonus." She says happily. They have been together for more than a year so I like him. He makes her happy.
"So little Elliot..." He asks. She chuckles lightly.
"We went on vacation a few years ago. Mom just kinda bonded with him. Then she found out his name and she wouldn't leave him. She also wouldn't let us go so our week vacation turned into three months that summer. We still had to fly back and wait for the process to finish though. Six months after meeting him mom became his foster parent and then the adoption was easy because the parents signed away their rights to her. Or I think that's what happened all I remember was being in Tennessee for a few months watching my mom fall in love with this newborn who was given up for adoption."
SEVEN YEARS SIX MONTHS FIFTEEN DAYS AFTER ELLIOT.
IF there is something I learned from my five years of being a social worker it's that not everyone is as lucky to have a family. So today Isabelle and I are going to a group home in Tennessee to give the kids somethings. I like to remind her that not everyone is as lucky as us to have parents.
I didn't expect to fall in love. Not with a newborn. He was born a few days ago. "His parents were a couple of young kids. Said they couldn't do it. They wanted to but they wouldn't be able to. So sad for that poor little thing." This was our last day on vacation and I couldn't seem to let go. Isabelle was playing dolls with some girls on the yard of the home. There were about fifteen kids here. She came inside and asked to hold him. I don't know why I didn't think of it before but I just couldn't leave him, so I didn't. I was somewhat related to The Christian Grey CEO of Grey Enterprise and Holding after all. Of course he made it happen. I know he thought I was crazy but I didn't. After I was granted temporary custody of little Elliot, I took him back to Seattle. God did I need a good lawyer to make that happen. But my parents and the Grey's made it happen. Then Christian found- stalked-the real parents and politely asked for them to sign away their rights, which they did after meeting me. That and an agreement that they could fly in to Seattle once a year to see him on his birthday. Little Elliot would know them as my distant cousins and once he started speaking I became mommy.
"So you're mom has never dated?" He asks Isabelle.
"She goes on dates just to shut our family up but not really. I'm the only one who doesn't push her though. I saw up close and personal what she and daddy had. She's not miserable anymore. She just loved him too much." And I did. God knows how much I still love Elliot.
"How did he die? Or were you there?" There was a silence followed by her sniffles. "I'm sorry you don't have to talk about it." Just then Dylan walks around the corner and sees me. And no matter how much I try or how long it has been I'm still just as in love with my husband as I was ten years ago. I can't help but sob silently until Dylan pulls me toward him and lifts me taking me to my office, Elliot's office, where I can cry in peace. Dylan has become a friend of mine but it will always be Elliot. He knows there would be no hope for us no matter how much he asks me out or how much my son and every other person insists it's okay to move on. "I'm going to go wait for Jake's parents. Go to bed. Everyone else has already gone to bed." He says before walking out. Once I regain control of my breathing I walk to our bedroom. I lay in our bed alone. I miss him so much.
"Mommy?" Isabelle says walking in my room as I'm about to lay down. I can see that she's been crying and she sees that I have too. I smile sadly at her and lift the covers. She gets in bed next to me and starts crying. We do this every once in a while. We try not to but it's harder some days than others.
"I miss him so much." She says between shaky breaths.
"I know you do baby. It's okay. I'll take care of you." I repeat the words that Elliot so often said to us. She has her head under my chin and I have my arms around her shaking body. I don't care what those other woman in the support group said to me it doesn't get easier. Dealing with a teenage boy is not easy. Having three kids is not easy. Holding your seventeen year old as she cries because she misses her father even after all this time isn't fucking easy. Watching the love of your life die in front of you is not easy. It's just not. Nothing will ever be easy. Even falling asleep is not easy. But like all other things in life must get done so we do.
Evan comes into my room the next morning to just lay in bed with us. It's Saturday. Him coming into my room waiting for me to get up is his way of saying "mom get up and make me breakfast". So it's the three of us just looking at the ceiling. Evan keeps twitching though. He can never stay too still. Just like his father. When Teddy barges in and lays with us I know it must be late. Teddy is like a third son to me and he is just as comfortable laying on my bed on Saturday mornings. We've been doing this since the kids were in diapers so it's normal. But now that they are getting bigger it's not as comfortable.
"Not to be a buzz kill but I'm kinda hungry aunt Lina." He says effectively killing the "buzz" as they call it.
"What do you guys want?" I ask them still laying down.
"Ugh finally I'm starving." "God I could eat a few cows." "I was getting kind of bored there." They all say getting up waiting for me. I put my shoes on and wake up Elliot on our way down.
"You know what?" I say mid step. They all stop to look at me bumping into each other. "Let's just go out to eat I don't feel like cooking. Plus we have to get Isabelle ready." The all turn back to their room to get dressed. "Boys can you help with Elliot?" I ask them walking in to Evan's room.
They take him inside while I change. Once I'm done I go back. "He has better aim now." Teddy says. Elliot loves Teddy and Evan. It's easy for me to ask them to help him pee standing up when we have another boy in the house. Evan took a little more practice.
"Did you go bathroom?" I ask him holding his hand.
"Like Teddy. And I go eat with Evan and Teddy?" He asks looking at me.
"Yea we're all going. You can get some pancakes. Are you gonna sit with me or the boys?" I ask picking out some jeans and a long sleeve t shirt.
"I'm boy. I sit with boys." He says matter of fact as I change his shirt.
"Ok. Want to sing me the abc song?" I listen to him sing his song as I tie his shoes. I place a sweater over his head and he sings it again as we walk down stairs. I give the kids a warning that I'm leaving and they all beat me to the car including Elliot who does everything his brother does. If Elliot was here he would be copying Elliot but Evan is the next best thing.
After breakfast we get home to the hair and makeup lady at our doorstep. It's prom day today. Isabelle decides on some loose curls and a natural look for her make up. She has flawless skin. In middle school when she first got her period she had acne but it cleared up last year and since then she has pretty perfect skin. Her eyes are a lot lighter than they used to be and really stand out with her now darker blonde hair. She got some highlights last week with me and her aunts so she's pretty excited. That was the first time I let her color her hair. She's getting her nails done here. She also volunteered our house to be used as the major location where her and all her friends will take pictures. The entire grey clan comes over too for a quick meal. She's going with her friends before the dance actually starts but we just want a moment with our little Izzy.
"Christian?" I ask walking up to him as he's playing with the boys outside.
"Yes Lina?" He asks stepping aside. The boys look at me worried but everything is fine.
"I wanted to ask you something. I know every time I talk to you I'm asking something but it's because you seem to do things so well and I can't do this." I say nervously playing with my wedding band.
"What do you need?" He asks. He acts like I'm going to ask him to jump over a train.
"Evan is getting older. He's at that age when ...he's you know older... He probably has a lot of question about himself and his... Body's self." God this shouldn't be so weird. "I... Can you talk to him. I know I'm his mom and I should be doing this but there are things that concern him and his ...body that I can't answer. So if you could fill in the gaps? I'll tell him what I can but I feel it would be easier with someone like him." I take a deep breath. "It's just Elliot should be the one doing this but he isn't. And I'm his mom and plenty of moms raise boys but I just... Without Elliot I'm not sure what to say." I says sadly. I feel like I've failed Evan as a parent.
"Yea I can give him the talk. I talked to Teddy and he told Evan, who had question but didn't want to ask you. I was going to tell you this later today. Carolina, he's my family. I promised you years ago that I would help with anything that I can." He says looking down at me. He has helped so much. With me, the kids. Everything.
I get called inside because Isabelle is ready and is getting dressed. Everyone else goes to wait for her too but only I'm allowed upstairs. I wanted to do the whole dramatic thing when she comes down the stairs. I walk into the room and she's wearing a black strapless dress that has vine crystal patterns all along the bodice. She's not a busty girl so she looks elegant and not trashy like I've seen other girls. She's freaking tall though she passed me when she was 13. I can't help the tear that rolls down my face as I see my baby all grown up. Well almost. Elliot should have been here. As if she reads my mind she smiles.
"Do you think daddy would like it?" She asks me.
"I think he would demand that you wear a sweater." She giggles turning back to get her earring as I zip it up the last bit.
"I wish he was here. I know I'm not getting married but while I was getting ready I kept thinking about how I'll have to walk alone." She says sadly.
"You'll never be alone baby. I'll always be here. And you have plenty of men to chose from to walk you down the aisle when the time comes. I wish he was here to see you too. He would be so proud. Not just of today but always. I'm lucky enough to see u today but he did love you more than anything. More than life itself." I say to her. I dab her eyes with a tissue.
"He gave his life for me." She says. He did. He would do it over and over just so she could live.
"He lost his life. Things just happen sometimes sweetheart." I don't want her to feel guilty. I feel enough guilt for the both of us.
"It's not fair though." She looks down.
"No it's not." I agree with her.
"I have to get my bracelets from my room." She says turning around. I grab her hand before she can take another step.
"I have something that would match your dress if you want to see it." She nods her head at me. I go into my jewelry box and take out the vine inspired cuff that Elliot gave to me on our wedding day. It's a pretty funny thing that it matches her dress so perfectly. She sees what it is and smiles at me. She's been wanting to use this for years but I always said no.
"Really?" I nod my head. We fit it on her wrist and she looks perfect. I help her into her shoes and hand her the matching clutch.
"Thank you mommy. For everything." Gosh she's so tall. She easily towers over me in those shoes, always but especially now.
I make my way down stairs with my camera and snap a picture of jake sitting in his tux sitting down being watched by Christian, Evan, Teddy, Carrick, Luke, Taylor, Ryan, Reynolds, and Scott. He's looking nervously at the courage in the box. His parents are somewhere in the kitchen. He's nervously playing with Elliot who is using some toy cars on the floor. It's very amusing. Isabelle will be so embarrassed. When they see the flash they all get up walking to the stair case. I pat jakes back gently.
My little girl is beautiful. Always has been.
"Can I spend the night at uncle Christian's?" Evan asks me. Christian nods confirming that he is indeed invited and didn't just invite himself.
"I go grandpa?" Elliot says to me. I really want to say no. But the look he and Grace have is winning me over.
"Sure baby lets get you a bag." This is the first time I'm alone in months. Despite having my wonderful kids I feel alone. It's only when I'm with them that I feel complete that I have someone. I get a beer from the fridge and head up to my room.
"This is Evan's first bath." Elliot says from behind the camera. Again the masochist in me appears wanting to feel pain from watching my husband. Just for added pain I find my engagement ring and put it on. Still fits. I watch videos of when I'm with Evan as a new born and our engagement. I'm so glad we documented so much of Elliot. But it makes my heart heavy. Our only Christmas, birthday. We only celebrated one of everything.
::::::::::
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE ELLIOT
Failing. His organs are shitting down and he's going to die. He been in a coma for weeks and this is it. I knew it was coming but I didn't expect it to be so hard. It felt sudden. He just didn't wake up. Some times that happens I guess. Here was my strong handsome husband on the verge of death and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop him from getting on a motorcycle. I couldn't tell him not to go. This is it.
"Grace? There has to be something." I says looking at her. Grace the perfectly composed, well put together woman that I've know is in her sons hospital room crying.
"Oh sweetheart." She says taking his hand. I sit on the side of his hospital bed holding his other hand. She leans forward kissing his face until she moves away, only to be replaced by an equally teary Christian. Mia is here too. Everyone is. Except the kids. Christian is holding Ana's hand for dear life but for the sake of it, is failing epically at keeping the tears away. This is his brother after all. Mia picks up his hand holding it to her face. She's pulled away by Luke when her crying becomes uncontrollable. She's crying loudly. Ana does too but Christian doesn't comfort her. He can't. He's too busy trying not to break down. I wish I could say something.
"We got married." I whisper to them. "In New York. We got married three days before he was shot." I rub circles over his hand.
"Mommy?" Isabelle says walking in being chased by Virginia.
"Come here." They try to tell me not to but she's my child. This is my husband. Her father. She deserves a chance. "Remember how you're mommy Stephanie had to go to heaven?" She nods her head. We have been telling her that Elliot is sick and probably won't be getting better so I think she's prepared. "Well you're daddy is very sick. Sometimes people get really, really sick."
"He can take some medicine." She suggest. I wish it was so easy.
"No baby he can't. Because sometimes medicine doesn't work. And you're daddy is the sick kind that doesn't get better."
"What's going to happen?"
"He's going to go to heaven. And he'll take care of us from there."
"Are we gonna see him?" I take a deep breath.
"No baby. This is the last time. But just because... He's not here ...doesn't mean he doesn't love us. Daddy loves us so much and we love him too." So much.
"He's going to die?" She looks back at me.
"Yes baby. He's going. To die." I tell her.
"Like the other man when you were a princess?" Oh god it is just like that. Again. This is happening again.
"Just like Damien." Ana walks out. Mia kisses her brothers head and walks out too. Luke is not far behind.
"Why can't he stay with us?"
"I don't know."
"I wish he didn't die." She says sadly taking his hand. So do I. I would tell her that but I can't talk. My voice is gone. His monitors start making noise and we can't move. Everyone is in place.
Code blue. They call a code. Charge. Charge again. The doctor looks at Grace. Charge again. Grace walks out. So does Carrick. Charge again. "Time of death 16:17". They say those oh so familiar words and I can't think. Even the time is the same. Or maybe I'm thinking too much. We sit back on the bed with Elliot. Or what's left of him. I know Isabelle is sad but she doesn't fully understand. A squeak comes out of my mouth. I look back at my sister. My body is shaking.
"Can you ...please?" I don't have to continue she steps forward. Christian beats her to it though. He places his hand on Elliot's body then picks up my daughter. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. He's dead. Really dead. My body leans forward as I finally sob into his empty body's chest. He's my husband. My husband. One hand is intertwined with his and the other is gripping the hospital gown.
What do I do now? He's just gone and I can't do anything about it. I'll always be here alone.
I must have stayed there a long time. But my cries didn't stop. They didn't quiet down.
"Little girl?" Someone is touching me. No! I'm not moving. I cant leave him. He needs me. I love him. I vowed forever. He's my husband. "Little girl they need to move him." She doesn't understand. She's had daddy for more than thirty years. I had this man for thirty fucking minutes and I lose him. It just isn't fair.
"Lina," says Andy. "I'm so sorry." She gets eye level to me. I have my head on his chest but can't stop shaking. No one understands. If they really cared about me they would all leave me alone so I can be with my husband. He loves me. I just need more time with. Just more time. But they keep trying to move me. Why can't they see I love him? Why can't they just let me spend more time here?
"Lina." Andy says moving my arm so they can take me off. I think people from the morgue are here. They won't touch me right? They can't force me to leave my husband. He's my husband after all right?
"Lina." Then again I'm a pretty small person. To actually force me to do something isn't that hard.
"Lina." Andy keeps calling me. But she doesn't seem to get that I don't want to leave him.
"Lina."
"Lina."
"Lina."
"Lina."
"Lina."
"Lina."
The more she says it the more her voice is changing. Sounding more like Christian each time.
Suddenly I wake with a jump. Just a dream. It was just a dream. "You really should eat. Elliot would want you to eat." He says handing me a container with food. I'm in Elliot's room and he's alive. Barely but still has a heart beat. I use my napkin to very loudly blow my nose. "Bad dream?" He asks handing me a bottle of juice.
"Nightmare would be more accurate." I mumble.
"Yea I've had some of those lately. Woke up Ana many times last night." He says almost embarrassed.
"He has to get better Christian." I say more to myself.
"He has to." He says agreeing with me. And regardless of the fact that it was just a dream I burry my head in my hands crying because that fucking dream was too damn real to be just a dream.
"Please get better baby. We need you."
Thanks for reading.