When Destiny Calls
A Dragon Age Story
Author's Notes: Many thanks to the writers and developers of the original Dragon Age storyline, without which, this story wouldn't be possible. I hope everyone enjoys this new chapter, and that it was worth the wait! I look forward to reading your reviews on this chapter!
Chapter 21 – Revelations
We finally stopped for the day as the sun began to set. We had stayed the previous night in the Spoiled Princess, an inn that stood near the docks to the Circle Tower. We departed immediately when the sun rose this morning, more than ready to leave the disturbing images of the previous day behind us.
As I finished the last of the fastenings for my tent, I sat down, the illusions of the Fade still burning my mind. As I wiped the single tear that threatened to spill down my face, the words that haunted my sleep came to me again. "What is it, Love? Why are you crying?" I crossed my legs, forcing myself to meditate, driving the voice away. The voice that was similar to the man that fought by my side, that saved my life on several occasions, the man that I was falling for. That was precisely the mistake that I was fighting against myself to stop. I refused to repeat past mistakes. It was hard enough the first time, allowing myself to feel a love that could never be returned.
As I meditated, a thought crept up, curious as to the voice that had made me come to my senses in the Fade. "Is your heart true? Or is your heart willing to settle for the first recourse?" The words reverberated through my mind, a familiarity to them, and yet I found it hard to place it. It didn't help that the Fade itself is a dream-realm, where the details often get lost when returning. The only reason why I remembered anything was due to the fact that I was conscious, instead of truly dreaming.
A voice broke through my meditation, soothing and demanding. "I have a question to ask of you, if you are finished with your task." Morrigan was so unfeeling sometimes. I had come to the conclusion that it was mostly due to her inexperience with expressing herself, excluding her rebellious tenancies, of course. My eyes opened, and I looked up to see that her arms were crossed, and her eyebrows were pinched, as if she was trying to understand something beyond her knowledge.
"Of course, Morrigan. Ask away." I said as I worked myself back to my feet. She relaxed her posture, her piercing eyes staring into mine. "It seems that I lack knowledge of a great many things, things that my mother was unable to prepare me for. I wish to understand some of them." I smirked a bit, finding a bit of pleasure to hear Morrigan admit that she doesn't understand all that she would like to. It was refreshing, and a step in the right direction for her. This was the kind of thing that would help her interact with others in the future, and perhaps those of us that were traveling with her in the present. "Such as?" I inquired, truly curious.
"I wish to understand love. It seems that such a popular concept is something that I need to understand if I am to travel alongside those that do know it." She explained, shocking me. She didn't seem the type to find love a topic of interest. "I see. You would ask me to explain one of the most difficult aspects of life." I jested, and was quite amused with her response. "Perhaps I should start with something that is within your capability to explain then." She actually chuckled, and I found myself smiling. She was catching on to the whole group concept rather well.
Not wanting to digress, I tried to explain, knowing that Wynne would do a better job at this than I would. "Love is a connection that you share with someone. It is a tie that binds you to them. It separates colleagues and peers from your friends and family." I began, pausing at the look of confusion on Morrigan's face. "Then tis a weakness, allowing yourself to be confined to those people?" It was more a question than a statement, a sign of her struggle to comprehend. "No, not a weakness. It strengthens you, knowing that those you love are with you, even if they aren't present. It's a bond that tells you that you aren't alone. That there are those that support you, that will do anything they can to help you, no matter the cost." Morrigan nodded, and I wondered what thoughts were spinning within her mind.
"I see. That does explain a few things. However, I imagine that it would be naïve to believe that it always works both ways, yes?" She did seem to understand the concept a bit better, which pleased me, even as her last question stung me with it's truth. I nodded, trying to keep my mind clear. "That is true. Love is not always reciprocated. There are different," I paused, looking for the right word, "flavors, if you will, of love. There is the love you have for your friends, those that you find your family, and then there is romantic love." Morrigan spoke then. "The latter of those being that for a potential mate, I would assume."
I nodded again. "Exactly. The first two are usually reciprocated, as it is something that grows over time. It's the third one that tends not to be returned. After all, everyone finds different qualities about a person more attractive than others." A part of my mind thought about my ears, 'knife points', as they are sometimes referred to. Usually by a human that still sees elves, like myself, as inferior. Which is a great many humans, even as I tried to believe otherwise. I refused to think about the fact that it was a sign that I was unworthy to be loved by a human. And, with as few elves as there were left in Ferelden, limited our choices in love.
"That is also something that occurs among the animals of the Wilds." Morrigan began, "But, just attraction towards another is lust, which is a concept I am very well versed in. Surely love for a mate is more than just lust, I would assume. What other reason would there be for people to remain with a single mate?" Her words showed a great deal of wisdom. I found myself wondering if she really understood more than she let on, or if she was just quick to understanding. I assumed the latter as I formed my response.
"It's the connection that they share. If they have similar interests, and compatible personalities, then that connection has a chance to grow to a love for each other." I said to her, my thoughts lingering on the connection that I felt growing towards Alistair, who I saw was talking to Wynne at the campfire. My eyes lingered on him for a moment, before they returned to Morrigan. "That very connection with someone strengthens you greatly. It's like finding another part of yourself." I finished, a grin crossing my face.
Morrigan nodded, her eyes lingering on a point on the ground as she thought. After a moment, her eyes looked back at mine, her head still angled slightly towards the ground. "Like you were strengthened within the Fade? When Alistair found his way to us." Her words caught me off guard, and I decided that I needed to sit down. Slowly. "Oh, you noticed that, did you?" I asked, my voice trembling a bit. My attraction to men wasn't something that most people approved of, which is why I only allowed myself to discuss it with Wynne in the past. She understood when others couldn't.
Morrigan sat down next to me, our backs facing the campfire, where our companions were talking. I heard Alistair laugh at something Wynne said, though I didn't hear what that was. His laughter carried itself through the air better than their words did. I looked over as Morrigan began to speak. "I did, indeed. I suspected that this was the reason, which is why I brought this up. Truth be told, I do understand love, though I've never experienced it." I pursed my lips, and nodded. She had played her hand well, her words confirming my earlier suspicions. She continued before I had found my voice again.
"There is little reason for you to feel uncomfortable with my knowing, Toryn. Tis a thing that occurs in nature. Tis not very common, or the animals of the Wilds would have died out long ago. However, tis not unheard of either. Nothing that occurs naturally is not an evil or abomination, despite what the Chantry, and the opinions of other such fools, may wish all to believe." I was surprised, though a part of my knew that I should've expected as much. Morrigan wasn't the type to follow the beliefs of the rest of the world. She had a voice of her own, and blazed her own path.
"You look surprised at my acceptance. I imagine that I must've looked the same when you showed your unexpected acceptance of me." I finally found my voice, chuckling for a moment before I formed my response. "You did looked a little shocked. Not that I would have pointed it out to you." I said, feeling a little better, the initial shock wearing off already. I smiled at Morrigan, opening my mouth to speak again. "Thank you, Morrigan. It's nice to have someone to talk to about this."
Morrigan looked slightly uncomfortable. "You are welcome, though twas more my intention to satisfy my own curiosity, rather than to help you. Not that I am displeased with that result. I am glad that you find comfort in my understanding." I nodded. "As am I. If I didn't think that I would annoy you with them, I would ask you questions of my own more often." I replied, chuckling a little. Morrigan smiled again, and nodded. "You know me better than most, Toryn. However, I do not mind answering questions you may ask of me. So long as you do not expect me to tell you the answer if I do not wish it."
"Of course not. We are all entitled to our own secrets, after all." I agreed. "Such as your escapade to spell Irving chair to scoot back every time he attempted to sit in it?" Alistair's voice intruded into our conversation, making me jump from shock. Morrigan simply looked up, an eyebrow raised. "I tire of this conversation. If we are expected to continue our travels at sun up, then I should rest." She said, her friendly tone that she had developed with me vanishing, returning to her more regular tone of disinterest.
I brought myself back up to my feet, watching Alistair shrug as Morrigan walked off to her tent at the edge of the camp. Wynne had walked up to us, taking Morrigan's place next to me. Alistair looked at me, a sly grin on his face. "You never did answer me." He said, his tone mischievous. I sighed, and glared at Wynne, who chuckled. "If you did not want your companions to know about you, child, you should've traveled alone." I shook my head in disapproval as I turned to respond to Alistair.
"It was several years ago. I felt that Irving didn't appreciate the progress I was making in my spellwork, so I decided that prank would get his attention." I explained, and he smiled. "A man after my own heart." Somewhere deep within me, a part of myself cringed slightly from pain, even as I chuckled. "I like the way you think." He finished. Wynne cleared her throat. "It certainly did get Irving's attention. He was furious, and fumed about it for a few weeks. Once he had cooled off, he made sure that Toryn was pushed forward in his training. To keep him too occupied to attempt another prank." Wynne explained, bringing a rush of hazy memories of studying long into the night back to me.
"It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it benefitted me in the end." I said, scratching the back of my head, sighing when I noticed that my hair tie was becoming loose. I pulled it out in frustration, not wanting to deal with my hair at this time of the evening. My long, black hair spilled out just past my shoulders, and I ran my hand through my hair, working out several of the knots that had formed through the course of the day.
"So, before we get ourselves sidetracked on another one of your escapades, might I ask where we are headed next?" Alistair asked me, and I nodded. "I figured that we'd head off towards Redcliffe, actually. Now that I've had some time to get used to leading our little party, I think I'm ready to face people that I am not familiar with. Besides, I can imagine that you are just dying of seeing some familiar faces of your own at this point." I replied, wincing slightly as I worked out a rather large knot.
Apparently, that was what Alistair was hoping to hear. His eyes lit up with excitement. "That's great! You are right, I have been dying to get back to Redcliffe. I haven't spoken to Eamon in a long time." He paused, looking slightly unhappy as he continued, "I didn't exactly leave on the best terms with him. There is more than a few things that I need to apologize for." I nodded in understanding, remembering him telling me about the anger he had once felt towards the Arl for sending him away. It seemed like so long ago that we shared that talk back in Ostagar. I still felt sympathy for his impulsive, and destructive, choice to throw his mother's necklace.
I put my hand on his shoulder, glad that Wynne had taught me how to deaden the pain that I would've felt from the gesture, my hand still burned from the raw energy I had pushed through it – twice. "He'll forgive you, Alistair. If you are a product of your raising, then I'm sure that he is a good man who will understand." I said, and I saw Wynne nodded in approval. Her eyes were unfocused, telling me that she was deep in thought, as well as listening to what was being said. I knew better than to guess what she was thinking. If she was so entranced in her thoughts like this, then I was sure to hear about it, sooner or later. Assuming that I knew her well enough to know this – which I did.
"Thank you. There is actually something else that I need to apologize for, but it's not really something for Eamon." He said mysteriously, his voice lowering slightly. Wynne's head snapped up, getting the hint that he had thrown out. "I need to finish preparing my tent. It needs to be comfortable enough for these old bones to find rest within it, after all." She turned and walked a pace or two before stopping. Her head turned back, and looking at me, she said one last thing. "Toryn, I actually have something I wish to discuss with you when you two are done talking, if you don't mind."
"Of course, Wynne. I'll catch up to you shortly." I replied, nodding once. She scoffed and began to walk off. "Shortly my behind. I'll be asleep for half the night before you remember me." She chuckled to herself as she walked off. I shook my head, smiling, as I turned back to Alistair. 'Crazy old bat.' I thought to myself as Alistair watched her leave. After she was out of earshot, he turned back to me.
He hesitated for a moment, and gestured to my tent. "Do you mind? I'd kinda like some privacy before I say this." He said, and I was tempted to open up my empathy to see if it was nervousness that I was picking up in his voice, or if it was something else. I decided against it, and mimicked the gesture. "Be my guest." I replied, following him into my tent, sitting next to him on my makeshift mattress.
I opened my mouth to ask Alistair why he would need to apologize to me, but he put a hand up to stop me. "Toryn, before you say anything, I want you to know that I am very grateful for everything you are doing. You'd... you'd make Duncan proud." He started, sounding upset. Even shielded as I was, I could feel that he felt that he wasn't doing enough, that he was incapable.
"Alistair, he would be proud of you as well. You knew that you were in no condition to lead, and had the wisdom to pass that responsibility on. He already complemented you for that once. Trust me, I know people. Often, better than they know themselves. Duncan had a great deal of pride and trust in you." I replied, thinking that he was going to apologize for, in his mind, shirking his responsibilities as the senior Grey Warden among us.
He swelled a bit with pride. "Really? I guess that you, of all people, would know. Thank you for telling me that. It makes me feel better hearing that from you." I waved it off, much like I had when Duncan thanked me for using my gift for him. "It's nothing to thank me for, Alistair. It's just who I am. You needed to know that. It just didn't come up before." Despite my words, the look of gratitude did not leave his hazel eyes.
Alistair shrugged. "Even so, I appreciate it. But, that's not what I wanted to talk about, exactly. Do you remember me telling you about how Eamon took me in, and that I didn't know who my father was?" He asked me, confusing me a bit. I nodded, remembering the conversation well. "Well, you see, I kinda lied to you about that." He paused. "I actually do know who my father is, but I didn't want to tell you. It's really hard to talk about, and I was afraid about how you would react." His explanation had me fidgeting with curiosity.
"I'm guessing that since you are telling me this, that you are going to tell me now?" I asked, keeping my tone neutral, and I waited for his response. He was definitely nervous now. His voice shook as he told me. "Maric Guerrein, actually." My eyes widened in shock. "Maric Guerrein? As in King Maric Guerrein?" My voice betrayed the shock that I was in. If King Maric was Alistair's father, then that would mean that Alistair was the only heir to the throne.
Alistair sighed, and nodded. "Yeah. Eamon is his brother, and that's why he took me in when my mother died. He kept it a close secret, and didn't tell me until I was about eight years old." He explained. I felt a surge of fear. I understood then. He didn't tell people because he fears the throne, much like he feared the thought of leading our little group on our quest. I decided to vocalize that thought.
"So, you don't want people to know. You don't want to be King." It wasn't a question. He nodded, his hands shaking a bit. "I'm no King. Maric may have been my father, but I'm no leader. Everyone seems to think that because of my blood, that I am supposed to lead. Even Duncan felt that way." He said, his shaking voice making me want to reach out and comfort him. Despite that strong need for holding him, I fought to keep myself focused. By the Maker, if I couldn't keep myself under control, then how was I supposed to lead others?
"I understand completely, Alistair. But, I don't think you have anything to fear. Even if you are, not just a bastard, but a royal bastard," I began, throwing a jest in my reply to lighten the mood. From the sound of Alistair's chuckle, I assumed I succeeded. I continued without pausing too long. "You are a Grey Warden now. Duncan told me that becoming one strips all titles from you." I said, feeling confident in that knowledge. Apparently, I was mistaken. "Not exactly. There are exceptions, and this is one of them." Alistair replied, sorely.
I sighed. This was going to be difficult for Alistair. Especially since Eamon knew about it. Alistair spoke up, seeming to read my mind. "The Arl will probably try to push me into claiming my – birthright, seeing as there is no one else to claim it." He sounded deflated, like he knew that it was a lost cause to fight Eamon. However, I had no tie with which that the Arl could guilt me into allowing it. Seeing Alistair's fear for myself, I knew that it would be ruinous for Alistair's peace of mind to push him into the throne. I would not allow that to happen, if I had any say in the matter.
"Don't fret about it, Alistair. No one is going to make you do this. I'm the leader of the Grey Wardens, and the Right of Conscription is mine now. So, I'll make sure that I keep you as close to me as possible." I said, my voice taking on a jesting tone, though I was half serious. I didn't realize exactly what I had said until it was too late, and I mentally kicked myself for phrasing it like that. I would have to blame Morrigan for it later. She got me thinking about him too much tonight.
Alistair chuckled again, and I felt a wave of relief and trust wash over me. "Thank you, Toryn. I was afraid that you'd respond differently. I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner." His apology was unnecessary in my mind, and I shook my head. I was relieved that he didn't seem to catch how I had meant those words. Fortunately, he was so used to jesting with me, that he probably saw it as a joke. I took in a deep breath from relieve as I replied. "Don't be. We all have things that take us time to explain to others. You've told me now, and that's what matters." I smiled, letting him know that I meant it.
He returned the smile. "I'm glad that you see it that way. But, I know that Wynne is waiting for you. We can talk more later. I think I need to sleep this off before I can really feel normal enough to talk." He said, hesitantly. Almost as if he really did want to say more, and didn't want to leave before doing so. I reached out, setting my hand atop his, and I felt my heart race a bit. "You sure? You know that if you need to talk, I'm all ears. Pointed and all." I jested, poking fun at the human reference to my elven ears.
He laughed. "I like your ears, actually. I've never understood why so many men mock them. But, I really should get some rest. It's a long road to Redcliffe." He sounded more sure about it this time. I nodded at him, and he got up to leave. My hand drifted away from his slowly, as if there was something that wanted to keep my hand in place. "Rest well, Alistair." I said to him, and he nodded. "I plan on it. You do the same, Toryn." And he left me to my thoughts.
I shook a little bit, frustrated with myself for allowing my reaction to him cloud what I was thinking and saying. Morrigan and Wynne may understand and accept that aspect of me, but I wasn't completely confident that Alistair would do the same with as much ease and comfort as they seemed to. I sat still for a moment, meditating yet again. If I continued to react like this, I'd have to do so after every conversation with Alistair. That would eat up so much time, which I didn't have much of.
I wasn't looking forward to talking to Wynne, which was a first for me. With my emotions reeking havoc on my ability to focus, and the fact that I was seriously tired, I didn't really feel up to talking anymore tonight. However, as I weighed my options, I knew that blowing her off tonight would only hurt her feelings. I decided against pushing my thoughts of Alistair out of my mind for the time being, as they soothed me greatly.
It was that very thing that told me that I was falling too fast and too deeply to really stop myself at this point. He was sweet, funny, and stunningly so at that. Not to mention the fact that he was just as stunning in his appearance to me. It was heartbreaking, knowing that I was going to suffer through this for a second time. Fortunately, it wouldn't be a sudden betrayed to cause that pain. I would have plenty of time to prepare for it this time, knowing that it would be heading my way. Hopefully, by then, I would have found someone that I could share these feelings with. But, who knows what the future holds? I certainly do not.