A/N: Who actually reads these Author's Notes?

(Chapter suggested by Peppermint Larry, formerly known as Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd.)

~:~ Chapter Twenty-One – Link's Academy for Failed Heroes (SS-verse) ~:~

Link sat on top of his fancy red Loftwing and watched as a random black tornado swept Zelda out of the sky and dragged her to the world below.

"Oh no!" he gasped. "My best friend just became a victim to the unparalleled forces of nature! I must try to save her by diving after her dramatically but with no guarantee of success!"

And so, Link dove after her on his Loftwing, but the tornado sent him back to Skyloft. The impact left him unconscious.

"I dun wan u," said the tornado. "I ver picky eatur. U taste no gud."

When Link woke up a few hours later, he saw Gaepora looking down on him as he slept.

"Eww," groaned Link. "Why are you watching me sleep?"

"Because that's what vampires do," Gaepora said, "and I am a vampire!"

At that moment, Zelda's father turned into a bat and flew off into the night, never to be seen again. Then, Instructor Owlan stepped into the room.

"Link, I have something very important to tell you," he said, sitting beside him on the bed. He patted him on the back. Link just gave him an awkward stare.

"Um… What would that be?"

"I'm not really your father. And Instructor Horwell isn't really your mother. I'm sorry, but…" Owlan pushed back some tears. "…you were adopted." Suddenly, the white-haired instructor buried his face in his palms and wept miserably. "I'm so sorry, Link! I should have told you sooner! I… I just…"

Instructor Horwell barged into the room.

"Owlan, dear!" he called. "Your car just got towed!"

"Oh no!" cried Owlan. "My car! MY LIFE! IT'S ALL OVER!"

Owlan and Horwell ran out of Link's room and left the academy, diving off Skyloft. Link was left alone to think with himself. Then he remembered that he failed at saving his best friend, Zelda. He would never be able to see her ever again.

"I'm such a failure," he wept. Just then, he had an idea. "Headmaster Gaepora and Instructors Owlan and Horwell just left the academy forever… That means I can take over since they're all gone now!"

And so, Link expelled all of the other students and started his new school: Link's Academy for Failed Heroes. It just so happened that he had also found the Fountain of Youth and gained immortality, so Link waited for many centuries for his first student to arrive. During that time, he also renamed himself "SS Link" for no particular reason.

One day, after hundreds of years, a kid wearing green showed up to his door.

"Hello!" SS Link said. "Welcome to Link's Academy for Failed Heroes."

"Um, where am I?" the kid asked. "How did I end up in a random deserted building in the sky?"

SS Link ignored him.

"Your name is now officially The Minish Cap Link—in other words, TMC Link!" he declared.

"Wait, what?" gasped TMC Link. "But my name is Carl!"

"Not anymore," remarked SS Link. "Now sit down in one of these horribly rusted old seats! Your first lesson is about to begin!"

TMC Link, not knowing what else to do, sat down in one of the seats.

"Good, good," muttered SS Link. "Now, listen closely! Lesson Number One: Never wear pants. Pants give you a better chance at succeeding in your quest for victory. If you don't wear pants, you'll probably freeze to death in some mountain or something, which means that you'll fail miserably! Which is good!"

TMC Link found the lesson oddly interesting.

"So, Mr. SS Link," he said, "when will the second lesson start?"

"In a few hundred centuries, more or less," SS Link replied. "Drink this water. You'll live forever." And so, TMC Link drank the water and lived forever.

Many years later, another kid dressed in green showed up at the door.

"Welcome, Four Swords Link!" greeted SS Link.

"Um, hi," said FS Link. "Look, I don't know why I'm here, but I was in the middle of drawing a magical sword before I was suddenly—"

"NO!" roared SS Link. "Lesson Number Two! You must never draw any magical sword, ever!" TMC Link rigorously took notes of the lesson. "FS Link, you will stay as a single Link forever and ever and ever and ever!" He said this as he shoved a glass full of the Fountain of Youth's water down the poor kid's throat. "And now, we wait."

They waited.

The next person to come was a teenaged boy wearing very long and shiny white underwear. He had the Master Sword on his back.

"Welcome, Ocarina of Time Link!" greeted SS Link, as always. "I see that you've disobeyed both of my teachings. To the naughty corner with you!"

"Wait, what?" OoT Link asked. "Who are you? Why do you look like me? Why am I here? Why is this floating island in the sky here?"

"You are at Link's Academy for Failed Heroes," said SS Link. "Long ago, I failed to save my friend, Zelda, and as a result, I never decided to defeat the evil that was lurking on the world below. I started my own school!"

"But… if you never defeated the evil below, then how do I exist?"

"I don't know," SS Link replied, "but who cares? Not us! We're failures! Right, class?"

TMC Link and FS Link nodded vigorously.

"Now, to the naughty corner, OoT Link!"

OoT Link sat in the naughty corner after he was removed of his long underwear and magical sword.

A few years later, two people came to the door.

"Welcome, The Wind Waker Link and A Link to the Past Link!"

TWW Link and ALttP Link looked at each other awkwardly.

"You two are from separate timelines," explained SS Link. "ALttP Link, you're from the timeline when OoT Link failed to defeat Ganon—which, of course, is true since he's been studying at my precious academy for years." He turned to TWW Link. "You, on the other hand, need to work extra hard in order to become even half the failure your great ancestor was. He failed so hard that even by not doing anything, he split the timeline in three." SS Link gave OoT Link a thumbs-up. "My A-student! And to think that he started out in the naughty corner when he first came!"

"So—"

"Just take a seat, boys!" SS Link said. "Lesson Three: Always do the opposite of what your helper tells you to do. If your fairy companion tells you to go to Death Mountain, don't go to Death Mountain! In fact, don't go to Death Mountain so much that the Goddesses start peeling onions from how much of a failure you are!"

"That didn't even make any sense," TWW Link remarked.

"Tch, freshmen," snickered TMC Link to FS Link, who nodded. "They'll learn eventually."

"Also," SS Link continued. "I have your test scores from two decades ago. Great job, guys! You all failed! I am so proud!"

They threw a party to celebrate their failure.

Over the years, many other people came: Oracle of Ages/Oracle of Seasons Link (named OoX Link), Link's Awakening Link, Twilight Princess Link, Spirit Tracks Link, Four Swords Adventures Link, The Legend of Zelda Link, and The Adventure of Link Link—who, instead of being called "TAoL Link," was named "Link Link" due to the fact that it was funny. The class spent many great centuries together, going through the lessons of how to be the greatest failed hero ever.

"Lesson One Hundred Fifty-Four: Always attack the Cucco," SS Link instructed. "Always."

"Teacher?" TP Link asked as he raised his hand. "What if attacking the Cucco causes you to use your newly-found mind control powers on it?"

"Then you must die by the hands of a swarm of Hylian Hornets," answered SS Link. "Only then will you become a true failure."

"Thank you, Teacher," responded TP Link.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

"I wonder who that could be," muttered SS Link. "My class roster is already filled out…"

He stepped over to the door and opened it. To his surprise, his Zelda was there.

"Link, where have you been all these years?!" she scolded. "I've been waiting for you to come save me!"

"Well, you see," he began to explain. "I tried to save you. But it didn't work. So I started a school for failed heroes, just like me! This is Link's Academy for Failed Heroes!" A lot of fireworks and confetti flew up behind him.

"Link, you idiot!" Zelda reprimanded. "Don't you realize that you failing to save me the first time was programmed into the game to always happen?!"

"…But—"

Zelda slapped him, and SS Link was reduced to 1/4ths of a heart.

"I drank from the Fountain of Youth!" he gasped. "How can this be?!"

Zelda raised her hand to slap him again in order to end his life, but Link Link jumped in the way just in time to save him.

"LINK LINK!" gasped SS Link, TMC Link, FS Link, OoT Link, TWW Link, ALttP Link, OoX Link, LA Link, TP Link, ST Link, FSA Link, and TLoZ Link.

"Don't… worry about me…" whispered Link Link with his dying breath. "Go on… become the failures… you were born to… become…"

And then, Link Link died.

"He was a true failure," sniffed ST Link.

"Agreed," said everyone else.

"I'm getting Mario to save me," groaned Zelda as she stormed out of the building.

~x~X~x~

A/N: I actually liked this chapter. XD

-Eternal Nocturne-

Chapter Twenty-One – Completed December 24, 2012