Chapter 21:
Patrick Petrikov came strolling into the arcade at half-past noon to a sight that had sort of fallen out of fashion in the last few years. Evil Otto's arcade had been a haven for the kids of Pat's generation. The arcade had sprung up to offer the delights of the Mo-factory from the wastelands along with ancient classics from back before the Mushroom War. Kids from all over the Candy Kingdom and beyond came here to compete in tournaments and contests of skill over machines that had been old when Marceline the Vampire Queen was a kid or shiny new machines that sprang from the mind of the mad genius that had created Finn the Human's robot companion.
Many was the coin Pat had squandered here, facing down Sleepy Sam the toad, trying to prevent him and his minions from stealing the sun. Rumor held that, if you got to be really good, Beemo would come out of his little cubby in the back and offer to let you play for real. Pat had more or less stopped coming when he reached high-school. He knew that Fionna and Star had played a little bit longer, but even they had sort of 'grown out of' the urge to come down here and squander their meager allowances. In any event, Beemo lived with them, so they had little need to waste their money.
So why's she here, thought the young wizard?
He'd been passing by on his way to stare longingly into Banana Man's used-truck lot down the street. The lot wasn't as busy during the weekdays, and his parents were usually out working, leaving him at home alone. When he got bored flipping channels while he pretended to study, he would go down and look at the cars and trucks there. There was a particularly sexy low-rider that came with a trick suspension to let it drive around in the wilds outside of town. Pat had been thinking of putting money down on it, but he had to make sure he could make the payments first. Of course his parents would insist he have money set aside to pay for damages in the event he hit somebody's cow or something out in the wilds. That was adding to the cost. Unlike Fionna and Star, he wasn't lucky enough to have an Alpha Dude like Finn the Human as his dad.
Striding up to the table where Fionna was playing, he found the blonde heroine with her face all but buried in the game. She was so focused, you could have slapped her on the ass, and she probably wouldn't have noticed. And that was a tempting bet to make considering how nice that ass was. Before Pat could say a word, Beemo tugged on his pant-leg. The young wizard glanced down to find the little robot shaking his head in warning. Now Pat really was curious.
"Pretty good score," he announced. Fi muttered something impolite. That made the curiosity grow. Fi not bragging about her score? Or talking tough? Something was wrong with the big, bad bunny. Question was, what? The wizard began kibbitzing, suggesting strategies that he knew were wrong for the game. Fionna mostly ignored him, in favor of muscling the machine, shoving it and slapping it–a definite no-no in Evil Otto's. You didn't slap the machines. Some of them hit back. Beemo continued to tug on Pat's pant-leg, and Pat continued to ignore him. He wanted to see just what was bugging her–and maybe see if the rumor was true.
The kibbitzing was having an effect. As Pat watched–and chattered away at her–Fionna began to screw up. One by one, the monstrous aliens slaughtered her little Huntress Wizards. That was strange on its face. Fi almost always played as Finn the Human. Rarely she played as Billy the Giant. She never played one of the girl characters. Something really strange was going on. As the giant serpent on the screen consumed her last wizard, Fionna turned and started cussing Pat. Far from being intimidated, Pat replied, "haven't seen you in a while. How ye been?"
Face red, Fionna the Human subsided. After a moment, she opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again just as quickly. Yes, something was wrong with the bunny. Fi was never at a loss for words. Pat waited to see what was coming next. Finally the pretty blonde muttered, "I'm fine..." "Ok," said Pat as he turned to go. "Wait," said Fi. Pat stopped and turned to face her. "Uh... what brings you here," she asked? "You never used to come here." Pat chuckled. He had come here often. She just never noticed or cared. "Was passing by," said Pat. "Headed to the car lot... I just thought I'd say hi..." Highschool was over for Pat. He was off to college in the fall. He would be nose to the grindstone–either working to pay for school or going to school. While it was likely he might still see Fionna, what with their parents visiting each other so often, it wouldn't be often.
Fionna goggled at the news that Pat was going to college. She'd had no idea! "We gotta celebrate," the pretty blonde announced! Seizing him by the arm, Fi dragged the wizard down the street. As they walked, Fionna gushed congratulations. She was excited to see him escape Toffee High! Of course that led into her own bitterness about being stuck there another year. It would be just her and Star. "Shoko's mom says she has to move on. Like this year," said the adventuress! "Like can you believe it! She doesn't get to even be a kid!"
The two strode up to the door of Smothers, and Fionna dragged him inside, declaring, "a Big Everything Platter for my bro, here!" She dragged Pat to her favorite table like she was dealing with a celebrity, and every face there was watching when they sat down. For a moment, Pat sort of felt like an Alpha Dude, with a pretty girl on his arm and every Beta Dude staring at him in jealousy. So enjoy it while you have it, thought Patrick Petrikov.
Elsewhere, Boniface Bubblegum found himself struggling under a mound of packages as his betrothed got her shop on. She had proclaimed that morning that she was out of clothing and insisted he show her around the shopping district. Bon had assumed she'd only come down with the small selection of outfits he'd seen, and the mortified young man had rushed to have his vehicle brought around. He'd immediately driven his lady down to be custom-measured at Lollipop Lady's boutique.
He had no idea what he was in for.
Bon found himself in possession of both the bags and the bills as his lady walked in and out of every store in the district. The weight of it all took an entire two inches of ride-height out of his truck's suspension. He'd never seen the like. Of course, Shoko was a closet tomboy, and his mother no longer found the time. As the clock tolled for noon, Frenchie finally took a break, suggesting they have lunch. A frazzled Bon followed her to the car, hauling the latest pile. Frenchie climbed into the passenger seat, while her beau stuffed her acquisitions into the back. Squeezing the door shut again, Bon scooted around to the driver's door and slipped behind the wheel.
Almost before he had snapped the safety harness in place, French Toast seized his arm and lay her head on his shoulder. He felt instantly at ease again. He was with his lady. All was right with the world. "Where d'you want to go," he asked? Snuggling against him, the pretty teen mommy replied, "whatever you want, honey, as long as it's good and close. I'm starving..." Smiling, Bon replied, "I know a nice casual place..." He put the truck in gear and set off.
At their destination, Pat and Fionna were swapping stories. The pretty blonde was telling him about the wilderness adventure she'd had with her sister and big brother. Typical Fi, she was bragging nonstop. It was she that vanquished the goo-worm by cutting out it's guts. And she'd graciously shared the treasure in its stomach. "Stomach," Pat queried? "Yeah," Fionna replied, "everybody knows that goo-worms have treasure in their stomachs!" It was only then that Patrick realized just how the bunny got the treasure she'd so willingly shared. "Ewww," howled Pat! "Gross!" Which of course made the bunny roar laughter. It was the same thing her cousin and sister said!
That led to Patrick teasing her about not wanting to handle bugs in bio class the previous year. Slicking back her hair, the bunny retorted, "smoke-bugs ain't got treasure... They're just nasty! And they make your hands stink..." Patrick mimicked the face she was making, which made her laugh, and in moments they were both talking about 'old times'–all the memories they had from Toffee High. Patrick found he was actually going to miss the place. In spite of being a Beta-Dude in an Alpha world, he'd had good times, and he got caught up in reminiscing.
Fionna was howling laughter–they both were–and it was just like every other time Pat had spent time with the pretty blond girl. They were having a blast, and, with no Alpha-Dudes around, she was heavily invested in him. She was having a good time with Pat, and she didn't even seem to be thinking about Bubba Bubblegum or Marshall Lee Abadeer. If there was a time for Pat to act–to reach for the brass-ring–this was it.
And he hesitated.
As Fionna sat there, eyes a little wet from laughing so hard, thoughts whirled around in Pat's head. What if she laughed at him? What if she was still pining for Bubba? He knew from things his parents had said that Fionna and Bubba were no longer a thing, but it was hard for a girl to change course like that. Especially when it was stubborn Fionna Mertens, who'd been chasing Bubba Bubblegum for most of her life.
And then there was his commitment to his knew lifestyle. He was a DGTOW. He was supposed to be going his own way, letting the chips fall where they may. He wasn't supposed to be sniffing after the latest 'it-girl' at school and worrying over what she thought about him. He was supposed to gut it out and walk away–let her cry over him.
Hormones won out, though. Fi was the girl he'd been in love and lust with since he was in grade-school. If there was even a remote chance, he couldn't help but pursue it. Taking a deep breath, Pat opened his mouth to ask his hot bunny-girl out on a date. Just as he would have spoken, Fi, who was looking past him, squealed, "Bubba!" Just like that, she was out of her seat. Brushing past him, the pretty blonde threw herself on Boniface Bubblegum in spite of his beautiful companion.
Boniface felt heat come to his face. He hadn't thought this through. The last time he'd seen his sister, Fionna had been standing on the balcony at his home crying her eyes out over him! He'd... left her. When Frenchie kissed him, he'd forgotten all about his sister and the unpleasant conversation they'd been having. He'd barely even noticed when she'd run off, and he hadn't tried to call or talk to her since.
More to the point, his mind had been on French Toast. He hadn't given any thought to running into Fi here, when this was her favorite place to go. How had he forgotten that? It was mortifying to be here with 'the other woman' when he hadn't been able to give his former 'girlfriend' some kind of closure. At the same time, he was wondering what she was doing here with Pat. Part of him hoped she was moving on, while another part of him–jealous over what somebody was doing with his girlfriend–was a little angry. His feelings for Fi were just as complicated as hers for him. Gaining calm over his seething emotions, Bon hugged his sister–gingerly at first, then with increasing strength.
Stepping back, Fionna asked, "what's got you down here? Pat and I were just having lunch..." Bubba flinched at that. Then, as he realized that his reactions to Fi would matter a lot to Frenchie, he told his former-girlfriend, "Princess French Toast wanted to go shopping and buy a few things. She's staying with us for a little while before returning home..." Taking his betrothed's hand, Bubba drew her forward. French Toast gave the blond girl a smile, though Bubba and Pat could both smell the jealousy. Patrick couldn't help but think that, pretty as this girl was, Bubba was trading down. He couldn't help wondering why it was that Bonnie would make Bubba dump Fi.
Of course Bonnie had dumped on Fi's dad too, so there was that. The one thread those two incidents had in common? Fi and her dad were both dumb as a box of rocks. Or rather, she has ADHD, thought Patrick. Just like her dad, Fionna had trouble staying focused long enough to get things to stick between her ears. Both Fi and her father had severe difficulties with learning, and Patrick could imagine that Bonnie, who was a genius among geniuses wouldn't want her hyper-intelligent son dealing with that. In any event, it was clear that Bubba and Fi were no longer dating. Question was, what did that mean for Patrick? There was a way he could find out.
"Hey," said the wizard. "Why don't you both join us?" While they had mostly finished lunch, they didn't have to go yet. Uncertainly, Bubba said, "if it's no trouble..." Fi grabbed his arm and half-dragged him to the table, inadvertently dragging French Toast with him.
At the table, Fi moved to the seat next to Patrick, moving her plates to their side of the table. Drawing French-Toast's seat–something he'd never done for Fionna–Bon made sure his betrothed was seated before settling into the seat opposite his sister. He knew the minute his butt hit the seat that he'd gone wrong, and he knew why. Fi's face was frozen over in a rictus of anger. It didn't matter that she typically laughed at him for trying to draw her chair. It didn't matter that Fionna Mertens was a liberated, modern girl who went adventuring. He'd basically just rubbed her face in the fact that he was dating somebody else and that maybe, just maybe, he cared more about Frenchie than he had about her.
Frenchie was already looking at the menu. She was hungry for some reason. She'd been really hungry since she'd come here. Maybe it was all the time they spent roaming the kingdom–or maybe it was all the time they spent making love–but she was famished every day! "Darling," she asked, "what's good?" Turning his attention to his betrothed, Bon replied, "the mussels are good. I usually have them with the baked ziti and sauce." Smothers smothered their mussels in noodles and sauce. "Alright," said she. "I'll take that and a steak." Patrick goggled! This girl was going to eat like a horse! It scarcely occurred to him that Fi was in the middle of a meal that was just as big.
"So," said Frenchie, "what passes for fun in these parts?" "Adventuring," replied Fi. At the Royal's quirked eyebrow, Patrick explained, "Fionna goes adventuring. Sometimes she lets Bubba and I help..." Which was too funny for the breakfast beauty, though Patrick got the impression she wasn't laughing with them. "My mother thinks anybody who goes out into the wastes willingly is a fool," opined the breakfast person. "Your mom is boring," retorted Fionna. "That's where all the excitement is!" Frenchie glared at her, forcing Bon to intervene before his old girlfriend and new girlfriend tore each other to pieces.
Calmly, Bon said, "darling, here in the Candy Kingdom, we find that there are many valuable lessons we can learn from the lost civilizations. People like Fionna provide a valuable service by visiting ancient sites and bringing back knowledge..." Fionna didn't understand half of what he said, but the whole 'valuable service' piece made her blush and grin all at once. Expounding on that idea, Bon began to explain all the wonderful things that Finn the Human had found for his mother out in the wastes before becoming Captain of the Guard.
Frenchie listened, though it was clear to Patrick that she was filing all that away. Likely she would be asking the Candy Prince just how he knew Fionna. "So how do you know Bon," asked Patrick? With a shrug, the breakfast-cutie replied, "he's my betrothed. Isn't that right, honey?" She gave Bon a sweet kiss on the cheek. Blushing, Bon gave Fionna a nervous smile. Fionna said, "well, I hope you have more luck with that than I had..." "What does that mean," demanded French-Toast? With a shrug, Fionna said, "well, his mom could tell you about that..." Bon interrupted with, "well why don't I see what's keeping lunch...?"
Patrick said, "I think I see the waitress coming now..." The by-play amused him a little. Alpha-Dude was a Beta-Dude when it came to what his mom wanted. Smugly, Frenchie said, "his mother put our engagement together and introduced us..." She was all smiles about that, which had Fionna wanting to pluck her eyes out. Or her teeth. The pretty blonde wasn't particular which, just so long as it hurt a lot. "I'm sure it'll be fine," muttered Fionna. Bon tried again to change topics, this time asking Patrick how things were going in his life. "Graduated," said Pat. "Off to college now." "You seem a bright fellow," opined Frenchie. "You already have a boyfriend," growled Fionna. That was music to Patrick's ears. She sounded so... possessive. It brought a smile to his face.
Momentarily the waitress was laying hot plates in front of the two newcomers. Fionna returned to her lunch, and Pat returned to his. For several minutes, the foursome sat eating, with both young men surprised at how much the two girls could put away. Fi ate like a horse, which was shocking. It amazed Patrick to think that she was as skinny as she was. Maybe it all goes to her boobies, he thought. For almost as long as he'd known Fi, those were two of her defining assets.
Patrick and Bon chatted while they watched the two girls polish off lunch, talking about what Pat could expect from college–at least as far as Bon knew, since he'd only gone a year. Pat found it was about as depressing as he was expecting. His mother was expecting him to be like his dad–blitz through in a couple years and graduate. Get out on your own and make something of yourself. "Don't see why you have to go for that," rumbled Fi. "You're a wizard! You're already good at that. You can make plenty of dosh smashing dungeons n'stuff." "Why would he accept such a plebian life," retorted Frenchie? "He's not some muscle-bound simpleton!"
It took a moment.
Time just sort of stood still, with Bubba Bubblegum holding his breath. Though she had trouble learning–and knew it–you didn't just call Fionna an idiot. Patrick had seen a couple of black eyes come out of that. Just before she would have gone across the table–and maybe landed in the dungeon, Patrick grabbed her hand. Softly, Patrick told the younger teen, "I respect people who have to work. Not everybody's cut out to be an ivory-tower scholar, and the Kingdoms of Ooo aren't so far out of the dark-ages that we can pretend we don't need physical laborers." He could feel Fi calm down. Indeed, Bubba let out a sigh of relief.
Calmly, Fionna extricated her hand from his. "I'mm'a go t'the girl's room," murmured the pretty blonde. Patrick watched her go. Strangely she glanced back at him as she made her way across the room. Just when it seemed things might calm down, French-Toast suddenly stood up, announcing, "I really need to go too..." Bon winced at the coming fireworks, but there was little he could do. They couldn't follow them into the lady's toilet.
As Bon and Patrick pondered the impending fireworks, Fionna sat on the can pondering the direction her life was going. She'd been looking forward to this summer. She had hoped–dreamed–to be married. Now she had not only had her dream squashed, but she'd even lost her boyfriend! And to get slammed as a dummy by his new girl?! That was the worst! She was suddenly sorry she'd let Pat invite them to sit down for lunch. They'd been having fun. Then Bubba brings his cunt of a girlfriend in.
Sitting on the toilet was bringing her nothing, though. It was time to go face the music. Wiping up, the blonde bombshell rose, flushed, and headed out. She was at the sink, washing her hands when her mortal enemy approached. "Whaddya want," muttered Fionna? "To say a few things that need to be said," said the pretty breakfast treat. Nodding, Fionna replied, "spit it." Leaning against the countertop, French Toast said, "you need to understand, Fionna the Human. I'm engaged to Bon... That's just the way it is. Our parents decided that..." "Just like that, huh," growled Fionna?! "To hell with everybody else and what we think?!"
She looked moments away from violence, and Frenchie felt a thrill of fear. She was a violent little hussy. "Yes," retorted the princess. "Just like that. That's the way it is when your life doesn't really belong to you..." "W-what does that mean," stammered the blonde?! "It means that my future husband and I were born to a life of limited choices," replied Frenchie. "Everybody's got choices," snarled Fionna! "It's... We can do anything we set our minds too!" Frenchie rolled her eyes. Coolly, she said, "our parents need us to be married, and so we'll be married. I didn't choose this, but I've chosen to accept it. I've even come to love him very much. He's a wonderful man, and I'm lucky to have him. I want..."
"T'heck with what you want," growled Fionna! "Bubba doesn't belong to you! He's a person, not a prize! I don't give a damn what Bonnie Bubblebutt wants!" Jabbing a finger in Fionna's face, she said, "I'm giving you a chance, Fionna. I want us to be friends. I want us to work this out. I want to have you at our wedding, but if you insist on behaving this way... Well, I won't bother. One last thing. Never call my husband 'Bubba' again. He hates that name. He's not a fucking character in a fanfic."
Fionna's mouth came open in horror. It wasn't the cold words. It wasn't this bitch claiming her boyfriend as a husband. It wasn't even the absolute certainty with which she spoke about the coming wedding. The idea that Bubba, her sweet Bubba, hated the name she'd been calling him all their lives... Horrified, Fionna fled the bathroom.
Outside, Patrick looked up in startlement to find Fi coming across the room looking wounded to her heart and moments from tears. Fi strode up to the table, announcing, "we're goin'..." "B-but," stammered the wizard. "We're goin'," muttered the blonde, as she wiped away a tear. Bon felt a sliver of pain as he realized that his beloved had just said something awful to Fi. Patrick asked, "what's wrong?" "I wanna' go," growled the blonde! Irritated himself now, Patrick fired back with, "not until you tell me why. You can't just storm out here and tell me I have to go!" "Fine," snarled Fionna! "Stay here with these two buttheads!" She jerked out her wallet and threw some cash on the table. Without a further word, the pretty blonde stormed out, leaving Patrick staring after her in shock. That was hardly the outcome he'd been expecting.