Book Eight – Despair and Recovery
Part One
Apollo arrived, bearing a letter from Severus asking why she wasn't coming over. Lily had difficulty writing a reply.
Two weeks passed, with Lily keeping zealously away from James. She finished her summer schoolwork, checked over her sisters, went out with Petunia (when she let her, which wasn't often), and frequented Diagon Alley. Apollo came again and again, and finally Lily could only write, "I'll see you at Hogwarts." But the headaches and sudden waves of nausea returned, even though she didn't meet with Severus. It didn't take her long to realize the only times she never felt sick was when James was nearest.
Insomnia was added to the equation, mostly from waking sharply with a splitting headache. Mary had found herbal remedies in the Practical Magic book that helped somewhat, but still left her awake.
Lily rested her forehead one night against the cool glass pane. "This is sick," she whispered bitterly. "Sick and twisted." She heard Mary shift behind her, still awake after giving her the potion, and continued, whispering. "I feel like I'm in a trap. A noose is tightening, not giving me any more choices. I have to date James or I can't be happy."
It was a moment before Mary spoke. "Lily...you have to talk to him. James. You have to straighten this out with him."
Lily did not answer.
Nevertheless, it was very soon after this that Lily gave in. Both Rose and Mary urged her to talk to James, and so after breakfast one morning she stopped them.
"I need to talk to you."
He blinked. "I was going to go fly with Sirius, but all right." Turning to David, he said, "Tell Sirius I'll catch him up."
Lily led the way to an empty sitting room.
"So what's up?" James asked, closing the door.
Lily caught sight of her reflection in a mirror. She was even more pale than usual, with shadows under her eyes. She hadn't been this thin since fourth year. When it all started, she caught herself thinking. Pushing that away, she turned to James.
"I...look, sit down." She sat down herself across from him. "I don't know where to start or how to explain this." A pause as she thought, James sitting uneasily. "I have to ask first – do you like me? But it doesn't matter if you do or not," she continued without giving him time to answer, "not to me right now, it can't help anything. You see, ever since that day we found out we were Head Boy and Girl, and we talked out on our brooms, I haven't been able to do anything with Severus – yes, I see him, I apparate to his house some nights – but I haven't been able to, because of you. I haven't had a crush on you since I was about fourteen, but now, for no reason at all, I can't stop thinking about you. Even right now, as I sit here, I'm attracted to you. So I don't know what I'm going to do, because I know I still love Severus even if I can't so much as hug him without seeing you and feeling literally sick. And, to top it all off, I'm quite sure you don't feel the same way about me anymore, so clearly, I'm fucked."
She finished staring straight out of the window, as she had the entire time she talked, body tense. James stared at her in shock, incredulous.
Lily was looking ahead fixedly, terribly aware of every sound – or lack of sound. James had not said a word. But she didn't move a fraction of an inch, waiting. Then, the sound of a chair creaking, footsteps, and she became aware of James squatting next to her. He touched her hand, and she jerked away.
"Don't, James."
"Lily...I don't understand. How – why – are you saying –" James was apparently trying to organize what he wanted to make clear first. "Are you breaking up with Snape?"
"I don't know. That's what I'm trying to work out now." She looked at him for the first time, something fierce in her gaze. "Do you like me?"
He looked taken aback. "I don't know – I did –"
"Just forget about Severus for a moment, James! Do you like me?"
James looked into her face, and suddenly sighed. What he had tried to deny, even to himself, for so long was impossible to deny now. "Yes. Yes, I do."
Lily felt like crying.
Half an hour later, Lily walked outside, where Rose and Mary sat on a bench, talking quietly. They stopped immediately when they saw her and watched as she came before them.
"I'm breaking up with him," Lily said expressionlessly. She looked out across the bright lawn. "Once we get back to Hogwarts, I expect."
Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then, very gently – "What did James say, Lily?"
"He said he likes me," she said with no enthusiasm.
"Well – that's good, isn't it? It would have been worse if he hadn't."
Lily shrugged wordlessly.
There were five days left of the summer. Five long, hellish days. Lily thought she might not make it without a nervous breakdown. True, the insomnia, headaches, and nausea had left promptly after she talked to James, so now she was simply unaided in her unhappiness. She had made her choice; now she had to question herself as to whether it was right. Was she justified in leaving Severus after a nearly two-year relationship, after everything they had been through, after everything they had done? Was she acting prematurely, hastily? But she would talk to him, as soon as they got back to Hogwarts. He did deserve to know it all. But that led to another horrible problem: what would she say to him? How could she explain it? I'm sorry, Severus, really, but I've fallen in love with James. It's been fun, see you around! Never. She honestly did not want to break up with him.
Lily now knew what it was like to love someone so much, it ached. And it went both ways – towards Severus and James.
But, after each time she thought everything over and ran it all through her mind, she could not find a reason why she should lie to Severus and try to go on with him.
Not then, anyway.
She and James had come to terms, of sorts. They did not speak of any kind of relationship between them, and he was careful to never touch her any more than a hand to her shoulder. For now, it was simple: he was a friend, helping her as she broke up with her boyfriend. After that was over, they would find out how they stood.
They were drawn together inadvertently, as well, by the Head Boy and Girl business. More owls arrived, bearing instructions as to their responsibilities on the train. To Lily's relief, she found that this almost guaranteed she wouldn't have to see Severus on the way there. I'll talk to him after the feast, she decided.
Two days before September the first, James cautiously brought up another difficulty.
"Are you planning on telling the others – that is, Sirius and the rest?"
Lily froze, horrorstruck. "No."
"Er – all right."
"No, I meant – I'm certainly not going to. You should."
He looked alarmed. "I couldn't."
"Of course you can. They're your best friends. All right, I can talk to Remus, but – please, James? I don't want you to explain anything, just tell them we're breaking up."
So later that afternoon, James found himself standing outside of Quality Quidditch Supplies with Sirius, David, and Peter. They were discussing the newest item on display – a sort of polish that promised to make your broom glide more swiftly through the air.
"Rubbish," said Sirius scornfully. "I know that company, I bought one of their compasses, it pulled my broom to the ground every time."
"I don't know," Peter said, frowning. "I heard they are under new management."
"I wouldn't trust it," Sirius said. "But hey, maybe Lily would be interested in getting it for her dear Snape...he could try it out as a new hair product, if it fails for his broom."
As they laughed, James saw his opportunity. "Actually, she wouldn't."
David looked at him, nonplussed. "What?"
"Lily wouldn't be interested," he repeated. "Her and Snape are breaking up."
Sirius, David, and Peter stared. Indifferent, James picked up a copy of Which Broomstick off a nearby rack.
Sirius, as expected, got his voice back first. "You're serious?"
"Yeah," James said matter-of-factly. "They're breaking up."
Another moment of silence, and then Peter said incredulously, "How come?"
James looked up from the magazine and grinned at him. "You sound so disappointed."
"You can't pretend this is some expected casual thing," said David sharply.
"Sure I can," said James, looking back down at the magazine.
"James." David stepped forward and jerked it away. "Why are they breaking up?"
"And how do you know?" Peter added, frowning.
James ignored him, giving his attention to David's question. "That," he said firmly, "is entirely Lily's business."
"And yours," said Sirius suddenly. They all turned to look at him. He had a glittering, suspecting look in his eye. "Isn't it, Prongs?"
For a moment James studied him. Then he said evenly, "Sirius, you're my best mate, but we're not going to get into this right now."
Sirius raised a hand and shook his head, still smiling. "I'm not asking to get into it. I'm just asking one question. Isn't it your business too?"
James hesitated a split second, then said resolutely, "No."
Sirius laughed. "Right." Still smiling in a disturbingly knowing way, he started walking towards the Leaky Cauldron. "Come on, I'll treat all of you."
"Padfoot!" James leaped to catch up with him. "Padfoot, if you say one word about this to either of them – "
"James, James. Stop worrying, you know I'm not so malicious. And why would I bother them? Really."
Back at the Potters, Lily and Remus were talking in the same room she had met James in.
"I still don't' really understand why –"
"Good," said Lily flatly. "Neither do I. And I'm not trying to get you to understand, I'm only letting you know."
"Well, then I know." Remus came to stand by her, and after a moment gently lay an arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
"Don't you go anywhere, all right?" she said impulsively.
"I'm not."
Lily entered the railway station with no small feeling of trepidation. She had a sudden urge to ask James for his Invisibility Cloak. But there were no pale boys with long black hair in sight, and Lily hurried on board and to the Head Boy and Girl's carriage.
She and James were soon busy instructing the new prefects, and once they were gone, James fell to examining their admittedly much nicer carriage. He soon found the hidden niches of where pillows and snacks were kept. Lily, however, didn't think she would be able to eat.
A few hours into the journey, Rose turned up.
"Lily, I saw Severus –"
Lily's innards promptly evaporated.
"– I told him you'd see him after dinner, all right?"
She nodded and returned to the window. She heard the door gently shut.
The Great Hall, so empty and still (save the professors), now swarmed with students. Severus moved through the crowd toward his table and managed to secure a seat facing the Gryffindor table.
He saw Lily appear shortly, surrounded as always by her sisters and friends. Studying her as closely as he always had, he thought she was strikingly pale and drawn, no sign of the usual smile at her lips. Her Head Girl badge glinted in the candlelight. The group settled in their long-established places, Lily staring down at the table. She never raised her eyes.
As the Sorting began, Severus watched the Gryffindor table. The Marauders talked among themselves as usual, but their eyes seemed to flicker towards Lily, and perhaps it was Severus's imagination, but every now and then they glanced in his direction, too. Rose and Mary talked as well, Rose as though she was trying to cover Lily's silence. Severus knew what he was looking for - a sign, a reason why Lily had stopped coming over. Had she been sick? But why hadn't she come out and said so?
Severus was distracted when the Sorting, finished and Dumbledore set out the feast, but kept his eyes on the table over. Rose tried to tempt Lily to eat, but she shook her head.
Finally, there came a moment when Mary happened to look up and past the others. Severus caught her eye and motioned to Lily. Mary reached behind Rose and touched Lily's shoulder, speaking a few words. For the first time, Lily looked towards him, and then rose from her seat and walked across the hall to his table. She sat down in an empty seat next to him.
"Are you all right?" Severus asked, taking her hand, which was lying in her lap.
She nodded. Before he could say anything else, she spoke in a low voice. "Meet me outside around ten o'clock - in the garden, all right?"
Slightly surprised, he agreed. Lily stood and returned to her table, where she crossed her arms and buried her face down in them.
When the feast and announcements were finished, it was easy to get swept up in the tide of Gryffindors through the castle to the seventh floor. James gave the new password - "Afer Ventus."
Lily sat down on the end of a sofa in the common room. The others showed signs of wanting to wait with her, but James nudged them along to the boys' stairs.
Before he himself went up, however, he bent over and asked, "Do you want my cloak, to be safe?"
She shook her head. She would not go to Severus tonight wearing anything of James's.
Quickly, the common room emptied of all except Lily, Rose, and Mary. As they didn't move toward their own dorms, Lily said curtly, "Go to bed. You don't need to wait up for me."
Rose and Mary exchanged a glance as they stood, but both obeyed, leaving Lily gratefully alone.
In the beautiful silence, she leaned against the armrest of the couch and thought about anything except Severus. To begin, she thought about Hogwarts and how much she loved it, how it had become her home since she started school. Before, Anetka and Nicki's house had been her home, of course, but subtly that had changed. Hogwarts was the place she counted on returning to, and as she lost her home and James and David's became somewhere she could stay, the school became even more fixed as a place of comfort and somewhere she could feel safe with her sisters. And now she had to leave after this year. It was a sad prospect.
Her thoughts turned to what she would do after she graduated. As nice as Natalie was, she couldn't stay at the Potters forever. Slyly, her subconscious led her to consider any plans she had made previously. She had never any clear idea of what she wanted to do, only that she had a special knack for Charms. It was quite true that she and Severus had never laid out any serious plans; they only talked idly, almost in jest, of perhaps he finding a business in potions and she with him. Living together. Lily doubted the word "marriage" ever passed their lips the entire time they were together...
Coming back to herself, she looked at her watch and saw there were only ten minutes left until ten o'clock. Rising, she left the common room but took a different staircase than the one that led to the Great Hall and front doors. She met no one until, turning a corner, she encountered Peeves designing rude words on the ceiling out of wads of bubble gum. She stepped back warily as he whirled to face her. Peeves started to open his mouth to give what would undoubtedly be a gleeful call for Filch, but then stopped, an arrested expression on his face as he looked at her. He scowled suddenly, threw the rest of the wad of gum against the wall with enough force to make it stick, and zoomed off.
Lily blinked. She had never seen Peeves show deference to any student before. But now that she thought about it, he hadn't directly harassed her since - well, since that notable time in fourth year when he stuck carrots, dipped in glue, in her hair. But while he regularly went after the boys, he never threw so much as a quill at her, Rose, or Mary. Who would have thought Peeves could be courteous? Stifling a smile, Lily continued her way down.
It was when she leaped over two trick steps that she felt something hard bounce against her collarbone. She reached for it curiously, and with some shock felt the silver, heart-shaped necklace Severus had given her a year ago on their anniversary. She had grown so accustomed to wearing it she hadn't thought about it at all in the past few weeks. Her fingers closed around it, and her thumb ran over the inscription on the back. Lily didn't need to look at it to remember what was written there: Long live us...
She came back to herself sharply when she found herself standing before the side exit door. With a quick glance back, she opened it and walked down the stone steps, the cool night air enveloping her. She looked around as she walked across the grass and into the shrubbery. There was a gentle breeze blowing, with the sound of the lake lapping on the shore. Above, stars shone clearly in the cloudless sky.
Such a beautiful night.
"Lily."
The sound of his voice speaking her name had the same effect as though she had passed through a ghost, instantly vanishing all of her vague thoughts of the night and jerking her back to reality. Turning, she saw a figure shift in the shadows. As she moved to meet him, she saw he was sitting on a bench before a stone table, intended for homework in nice weather. She sat down opposite from him.
Severus reached across the table and took her hand. A simple, connecting, silent gesture. He sensed she had something to say and waited for her to say it.
But she said nothing for a long time, only held his hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb. Finally, with a slowness that told of great pain, she withdrew her hand.
"I'm in love with James." She looked directly across into his eyes. It was her punishment. "It only happened a few weeks ago. That's why I stopped coming over. I don't know why, I can't understand it myself. But" - her gaze had lowered for a minute, but now it met his eyes again - "I love you too much to lie to you. I wanted to. I wanted to just try to forget about it, and you and I could stay together and be happy. But you don't deserve that, for me to lie to you." Her eyes shone with tears, though none of them spilled over. "So I can't see you anymore." She wanted to say she was sorry, she hadn't wanted this to happen, and that she'd always love him, but her throat wouldn't let her form the words. She tried again, and managed, "I'm sorry."
There was nothing else she could say. It was a horrible feeling. She wanted to escape it and not face his reaction, so she got up and walked away blindly.
Lily only started to think again when she stopped before the slumbering Fat Lady. She stood for a moment, illogically hating everyone in Gryffindor Tower, then wheeled back around and walked away. She would not sleep there tonight.
Instead, she found the Room of Requirement, which the boys had introduced her to long ago. It gave her a very plain, small bedroom, and she laid on that bed, but could not sleep until she took a potion found on the bedside table.
But Severus did not move from where he sat by the stone table in the courtyard. He sat for hours, immobile, staring at the place where she had sat. Even when a light rain began to fall in the early hours of the morning, he did not stir. He sat alone. Alone in the world.
The next morning Lily woke up sharply, feeling nauseous. She walked quickly back to her dorm, feeling slightly guilty because Rose would have undoubtedly been waiting for her to come back, despite what Lily had said. But all the girls were still sleeping. Moving as quietly as possible, she opened her as yet unpacked trunk and searched for a hairbrush. As she pulled her thick hair back, she felt a tug of a few hairs at the nape of her neck. Reaching to pull them loose, her fingers encountered a chain in which the hairs had become tangled.
Her breath caught. Something inside dug a knife and twisted. Without looking down, she worked at the clasp with both hands until the necklace fell into her hand. It felt very heavy.
She didn't know what to do with it. No idea at all. She tried to consider different possibilities for a few minutes, until Rose's voice sounded behind her.
"Give it to me."
She had come up behind her silently in her nightgown, her pale red hair in long, messy braids. Wordlessly, Lily handed it to her. Rose sat next to her, holding the necklace enclosed between her hands.
"If you have anything else - letters, pictures -"
Lily nodded. There was a silence. She knew Rose wanted some word on what happened last night, but she was having difficulty finding what to say. Finally, she said briefly, "He didn't say anything."
Rose nodded. Lily picked up her brush again and attacked her hair again fiercely. Rose returned to her bed.
A steady throb developed at the back of Lily's head as she continued to change - especially as she rifled through her clothes. Why is it, she thought fretfully, that everything I own, Severus bought? How had he managed to replace all her possessions?
Alarms went off, and her other roommates began to stir.
"Good morning, Lily," said Chasity, sitting on her bed and using the same tone she had at the beginning of last year, after Lily and Rose had come back after their parents had died.
Lily eyed her suspiciously. Quite possibly, Rose had said something to her and Nicole last night. Well, she wasn't going to say anything about it. "Good morning, Chasity."
She and Rose left the dorm before Chasity and Nicole finished, meeting Mary in her dorm. Mary said nothing, but Lily saw her glance at her neck, then to Rose, and as they walked down the stairs Rose fell back slightly, where Lily was quite sure she whispered what Lily had said to Mary.
And it began all over again in the common room, where they met the boys. They treated her very carefully, but she felt the furtive glances, and didn't give them any more information than she had her roommates.
When the timetables circulated during breakfast, the first class she looked for was Advanced Potions – Wednesday, first class of the morning.
Thankfully, as classes began she had no time to dwell on last night, as all the rumors and warnings of last year proved true: Seventh year was completely different from all previous years, especially her classes. She only shared two with all of the boys and her sister, but in every one there was at least James and Sirius, except Advanced Potions, where Rose was. Advanced Transfiguration, which only held herself, James, and Sirius of the seven, was a good class for setting the standard for the year. Professor McGonagall had always been direct, but there was a new element that made Lily think even James and Sirius, Animagi as they were, would not be bored. She was teaching them the practicalities, basing everything on what they had already learned, treating them more like adults than she ever had before. This new attitude reappeared in all the teachers throughout the day, and Lily appreciated it. Perhaps this way, she might be ready for NEWTs.
During lunch, Rose disappeared, and came back only a few minutes before the next class.
"I went to see Professor Middleton," she said quietly to Lily as they walked to DADA.
"Why?" asked Lily, rather sharply.
Rose stopped and met her eyes coolly. "I told him you and Severus had reached a parting of ways, and it would make things much easier if you weren't paired together for any projects this year – not to mention that both of you would be able to focus better on the class individually.
Taken aback, Lily dropped her eyes to the floor. "Thanks."
"Well, what are sisters for?" said Rose dryly as they went on.
"What did he say?"
"Oh, you know how he is. He looked terribly disappointed, said it wouldn't be a problem. He looked like he wanted to ask me what happened."
Lily mused on this as she took her seat. It had actually been Middleton who had set them up in the first place, she remembered – he had put them together in the first class of their fifth year.... She was pulled sharply back as the teacher announced his intentions to coerce Dumbledore into letting him take his seventh year classes to an area in eastern Romania populated by vampires.
By dinner, Lily felt exhausted, though not too tired to miss the curious glances she was still getting from the boys around her. Abruptly, she cast aside her resolve not to say anything, and smiled cheerlessly around at the circle. "Yes, we did break up. Now you know, and can officially celebrate in your dorm tonight. Congratulations. It's what you wanted, right, for the past two years?"
"Lily," James began, his voice soft.
"Shut up," she said savagely, letting all her emotions into the words. James flinched. Lily glared back down at the table, willing it to spontaneously combust and kill not only her, but all of Gryffindor in the process. It didn't take her long to realize even thinking about eating anything else was enough to make her sick, so without further ado she stood up and walked away.
Lily's hatred of the boys lasted for weeks. It wasn't very hard, especially when she remembered how they had punished her directly after she had begun dating Severus, and Sirius's actions alone were enough to make her distribute her profound irritation among all the Marauders. Even Remus didn't attempt to talk to her.
So instead, Lily absorbed herself in her schoolwork, which wasn't very difficult either. What was more difficult to ignore was the terribly familiar headaches and nausea that began to return. She guessed it was because she was ignoring James, but did nothing to change the situation. Later, she would talk to him, when it didn't hurt so much to lie awake and alone at night, or when she broke the habit of absentmindedly reaching up to fidget with her necklace, and finding empty air. For now, she could live with having to stop reading occasionally because the words shifted and circled on the page. Besides, that's what potions were for.
And speaking of potions, the class was endurable. Wednesday morning Professor Middleton had dutifully not paired her with Severus, and she found no reason to look anywhere besides the blackboard, the textbook, and the potion. She also took her time packing up, so when she left, Severus was long gone from the dungeon.
But the morning of September 19th, she refused to get out of bed.
"Lily, get up, you're Head Girl, you have to –"
"No. Not today." Only the top of her head was visible. Rose fought the urge to pull her hair.
"This is ridiculous. You have to go to your classes."
Nicole was looking on with some interest. "Anything I can do?"
"Yes." Rose glared down at the bed, and resorted to greater measures. "Go get Mary, please."
Cackling, Nicole left. In preparation for this next siege, Lily tightened the bedcovers around her.
"Your classes, Lily!"
"I can make up one day."
Mary entered, looking bemused with half of her hair braided. "Nicole said she wouldn't get up?"
"Yes," Rose affirmed, looking down at the cocooned form.
Mary crossed the room to stand beside Rose, frowning. "Why?"
"It's –"Rose sighed. "It's their anniversary."
At this, Lily sat up suddenly, flinging the blanket down. "I have Potions today!"
"Good," said Mary ruthlessly. "Excellent closure. Don't miss the opportunity."
Lily stared at her, shocked.
Mary walked to her wardrobe and tossed a pair of robes onto the bed. "Get dressed and stop looking so abused. I'll meet you in the Great Hall for breakfast." With that, she left the dorm.
Lily did meet her downstairs ten minutes later, only sulking moderately. Rose kept an eye out for her – but Severus never appeared. Nor did he even appear in the dungeons for class – Lily even dared to look up and around after Professor Middleton, calling the role, reached, "Mr. Snape" and there was no response. She heard two Slytherins behind her talking softly.
"No, Snape never got out of bed."
"It's not like he overslept –"
"Yeah, I know, he doesn't even sleep at all – just sits and stares at the wall all night. Creeps me out."
During lunch Lily left for the bathroom, but after finishing she dawdled, reluctant to go back to the Great Hall. She didn't feel much like eating anymore – her appetite had been irregular recently. So she sat on the marble counter of the sink, not thinking about anything in particular.
It started as a niggling suspicion, passing itself off as her imagination, then growing into certainty. Lily was just able to leap off the counter and make it to the toilet in time.
When she was finished, she leaned weakly against the stall. Where did that come from? she wondered. What did I eat?
Predictably, Rose noticed almost as soon as she saw Lily again, before Advanced Charms. "Why didn't – are you all right? You're pale. Are you sick?"
It was never any use lying to Rose. "Yes, I was sick for a moment in the bathroom. I'm fine now."
"Are you sure? You ought to go to Madam Pomfrey, just to make sure. You haven't been eating well lately either –"
"I'm fine, Rose. I'm not as stupid as I was when I was fourteen." It came out harsher than she had intended, but that had struck the very foundation of memories she was trying to avoid at the time.
"All right," said Rose simply.
But Lily wasn't fine. The next morning, during class, she had another sudden attack of nausea, and it took all of her will to push it back down. And the next night, after she got back from Astrology.
And again the next night she woke up, barely conscious enough to stagger into the bathroom. As she vomited, a cool hand was placed on her forehead, another gently pulling back her hair.
When it was over, Rose silently handed her a wet cloth, followed by a glass of water. Lily accepted them without a word, without even looking up at her as Rose knelt quietly, patiently, in front of her. But Lily was finally facing something – an idea that before, she had refused to consider even before it was really clear. It was impossible, ridiculous, lunacy. Impossible, her mind always came back to. Impossible.
So it's impossible. Prove it. You know the test. Prove it so you'll stop worrying about it.
She looked up at last to Rose, who met her eyes steadily. She hesitated – she knew it was silly (it's impossible, after all) – but said it anyway. "Could – could you go get Mary? There's something I need to do. In the common room."
A strange expression flitted across Rose's face that Lily didn't quite catch, but she nodded and got to her feet, then helping Lily up.
Moving quietly as to not wake her other roommates, Lily collected a book, her smaller cauldron, and her wide set of ingredients. She crept down the stairs, meeting her sisters at a table. Mary looked very groggy.
"Is this to get me back for making you get up that morning, Lily?"
"No. There's just something I need to make. It shouldn't take very long." She propped open the book against a stack on the table so the page was only visible to her, and started the preliminary steps. Mary closed her eyes and let her chin fall to her chest.
It was a speedy potion, having recently been redesigned for more accurate results. Her hands worked almost automatically, though she had never made it before. She had an odd sense that they were working separately from her. She tried to keep her eyes down, but there came a lull in which she couldn't stand it anymore, and looked up.
Rose, unlike Mary, who was apparently asleep again, was sitting very straight, visibly tense, her eyes fixed on Lily. She was very white, though her eyes were blazing, and seemed darker than usual. There was a warning, almost threatening, in her expression. Don't you dare, the message was. Don't you dare.
Lily looked away to do the final steps. Extinguishing the fire, pouring a sample, performing a cooling charm. But she stopped with the glass in her hands, staring down at the white mixture. It was the hardest thing, taking the most self-will, she had ever done in her life.
But she did. She raised the glass so quickly the edge hit her teeth, but she drained all of it. Instead of swallowing, she swished the warm liquid in her mouth for the required five to twenty seconds, then spat it all back into the cauldron.
The results came almost instantaneously. The white turned a uniform pale purple.
Transfixed, Lily stared into the cauldron at the still, unmistakable color. A wild urge rose in her, to scream, throw something, lose control like she had never done before – and some restraint that had always previously stopped her, gave in. Lily raised her hand high, and brought it down against the side of the cauldron. It flew off the table and onto the floor, the terrible purple staining the rug.
Mary jumped to her feet with a startled curse. And Rose began to cry.
Lily looked down at her hand. Already the palm was turning white, beginning to blister. It would hurt terribly. She hoped the pain would kick in soon.
Mary was looking from her to Rose, who was the only one still sitting. Lily made no move to speak, or do anything at all except stare at her hand, waiting. Rose cried in a quiet way to herself, tears sliding down her face unchecked as she looked into space. Mary was breathing hard now, all but backing away. For the first time, the sisters were completely cut off from each other.
Several times, Mary tried to speak, but stopped short. Finally, she cried in a cracking voice so unlike her own, "I thought you took the potion!"
Lily didn't look up from her hand, though she no longer saw it. She felt the pain now, searing, beautifully unbearable. "We did," she whispered. "We did."
Author notes: Not even two months!!! I am so good! I deserve an award. Like a trip to Britain. But I'll take reviews.
Also, considering the latest twist...well, trust your author. She does know what she's doing. Exactly what she's doing.