Happy Birthday dulce de leche go

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"Syphilis!" Hermione shrieked at Draco and he cringed. "What do you mean you have syphilis! You're a wizard, you shouldn't even be able to get syphilis!"

"Why is that, anyway?" he asked, trying to distract her from the St. Mungo's report in her hand.

"Huh? Oh the random mutation that produces the sub-species of human generally called 'wizard,' though in the Department we generally go for homo ex miris –

"'hem'," Draco asked, making the slight coughing sound he'd heard her co-workers interject into conversations a lot and trying to keep her on this track. He'd promised to keep this private but he hadn't anticipated she had access to what were supposed to be confidential health reports through work.

Having a wife who worked for the Department of Mysteries had its drawbacks.

She shrugged. "Scientists can have a weird sense of humor. Anyway,the mutation, while allowing for cross-fertility, does provide protection against most homo sapiens pathogens. Which brings me back to syphilis and how you seem to have a MUGGLE STD."

She tapped her foot and waited for an explanation.

"I guess being a hem doesn't protect against that one," he offered tentatively.

She threw the report at him. He wasn't sure what spell she added to it but it flew threw the air more like a bludger than a pile of paperwork.

Felt a bit more like a bludger when it hit him too.

Fuck this. When he'd agreed to help cover this up he hadn't expected Hermione to find out or to start, well, bludgeoning him.

"It's not me," he said, hands up as she grabbed something else to throw at him. "Merlin, Hermione, you know I'd never cheat on you." He rubbed his arm. "For one thing, you'd kill me," he muttered.

"Your name is on the report," she hissed but she seemed a little calmer.

"That's because Lavender's a nurse," he said, preparing to dodge any missiles she lobbed on the off chance she didn't believe him. "We figured she'd get any path reports and, hell, the witch probably has an alert on anything with Ron's name on it. She's a bloody stalker," he added bitterly. A stalker who he considered directly responsible for the blow he'd just taken.

"So…," Hermione narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. "You expect me to believe Ron has a Muggle STD and you two used your name on the intake forms when he got tested to avoid crazy Lavender from finding out?"

"Yes?" He tried his most adorable puppy-dog eyes while cursing the day he'd gotten so drunk with Ron Weasley that agreeing to help the man find out what that weekend in Tijuana had wrought seemed like a good idea.

"So, Ron has syphilis?"

"Apparently," Draco muttered.

An evil smile spread across Hermione's face and Draco got that nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach he got whenever his wife decided to remind Ron he'd dumped her for a woman who'd turned out to be bloody well round the bend. He didn't see why she was still so irritated about the whole thing; they'd been happily married for almost six years and poor Ron spent a lot of his time ducking out of pubs as soon as Lavender walked in. Hell, the three of them were friends, something he'd never thought he'd see. They had Ron and whatever his flavor-of-the-week was over all the time.

She did have a mean streak, though. It was, if he were being honest, one of the things he loved about her.

"I'll forgive you for scaring me like this," she said, summoning the report back into her hand, "if you let me be the one to tell Ron the results."

Draco paled and she laughed. "Of course, dear," he said, rubbing the side of his arm where the bludger/medical report had hit him.

"He got syphilis?" she asked again and Draco shrugged.

"Tijuana," he said as way of explanation.

"I wonder if I can talk him into letting me get a sample for work," she said and, at that, Draco began to laugh. He was looking forward to that conversation.

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A/N – If you haven't read dulce de leche go's fics you should. Not only has she collaborated with me on A Bodyguard of Lies, and not only has she written the fabulous marriage law fic Knowing You, she also has a bunch of other things worth exploring.