The first thing 222 spotted inside the Supply Hut was 223's knapsack lying on the table. He emptied it out and inspected the contents. He flicked the flashlight on and off, pleased to see that it was still working. Then he examined the bottle of chloroform, noticing with a frown that there was a lot more missing than there should have been.
"What was she doing, taking a bath in this?" he wondered aloud.
He set the bottle down and picked up the binoculars, using them to scan around the room. He jumped in shock when a tiny, harmless spider on the wall became a fearsome, eight-legged monster with glowing yellow eyes. He let out an expletive in Russian and almost dropped them in his haste to return them to the table.
"Even the insects here are frightening," he gasped, patting his chest.
He rolled up the blanket and strapped it to the bottom of the knapsack. He lifted the camouflage jacket and admired it for a moment, imagining it clinging to 223's slender arms and shapely body. Then he noticed the romance novel underneath and picked it up, smiling at the cover illustration.
"'Comrades in Arms'," he muttered, reading the title. He began to leaf through it. "'Agent 757 pulled her roughly into his arms and laughed coldly into her face. 'You cannot deny that you have always loved me. From the moment your icy eyes met mine you have longed for my dangerous embrace'."
222's eyes widened as he read further, then he flipped to the next page and his grin broadened. "'Agent 636 fell back onto the silken sheets. Flames of wanton desire burned through her beautiful but deadly body. 'Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?' she whispered.'"
222 read the next couple of pages, blinking at the vivid mental images they conjured up. Then he closed the book and returned it to the table with a silly smile plastered to his face. "Now I understand!" he chuckled to himself.
Finally he noticed the set of skeleton keys with the lockpick attached and everything else was forgotten. With a smile of satisfaction, he shoved them deep into his front pocket. He then pushed everything else back into the knapsack and slung it over his shoulder.
He turned to leave the Supply Hut and stopped dead. The smug smile froze on his lips, slowly melting into a look of slack-jawed confusion.
Mary Ann was standing in the doorway, watching him.
"M-Mary Ann!" he uttered, quickly employing Gilligan's higher-pitched voice. He hadn't used it in a long time and the tightening of his vocal chords made him cough. He thumped his chest and cleared his throat. "Wh-what are you doing back here already?"
Mary Ann wandered in and stood just inside the door. "The soap ran out," she replied. "Ginger must have used it all."
222 edged around so that she wouldn't see the knapsack on his shoulder. "Well, why don't you just get some more?"
"I'm not going through all that again. I managed to get clean enough."
"But don't you want to get all nice and lathery?" 222 continued to circle as Mary Ann walked further into the hut.
"Chance would be a fine thing," Mary Ann smiled. "One day I'll manage to get to the shower before Ginger does, and then I'll use up all the soap and see how she feels!"
222 shrugged. "Okay then. If you're sure you're clean enough."
Mary Ann put her hands on her hips. "Are you saying I'm still dirty?"
"No! No," 222 swallowed quickly. "You look great! But I like you anyway. Even when you're dirty." He trailed off with a nervous giggle that wasn't entirely an act.
Mary Ann approached him curiously. "What about you? I thought you went down to the beach." She put her hand out and touched his sleeve. "Why are your clothes damp?"
222 clutched at the most ridiculous thing he could think of. "Well, what happened was, see...I tripped over a palm frond and fell in the water. Then when I got out of the water I tripped over another palm frond and fell on the Skipper, and the Skipper fell on the Professor, and the Professor fell on Mr. Howell, and Mr. Howell fell on Mrs. Howell, and Mrs. Howell fell on Ginger, and they went down like a bunch of dominoes. So they told me to get back here where I wouldn't cause any more trouble. And besides," he added for bonus points, "I really didn't want to leave you here all by yourself." He beamed at Mary Ann, proud of himself for having fabricated such a wild chain of events in such a short space of time.
"Oh, Gilligan!" Mary Ann giggled. "You're incorrigible!"
"Thanks," 222 said, grinning.
"But why are you carrying the spy's knapsack?" Mary Ann said, trying to peer around his shoulder.
222 cursed inwardly. This girl had become far too vigilant! "I, um...I thought it would be neat to go play at being a spy in the forest," he said. "So the next time a spy comes, I'll be prepared." He narrowed his eyes and made karate chopping motions with his hands. "We need to look out for spies, Mary Ann. They're so cunning and clever and sneaky, you never know where they're gonna turn up next."
"Sneaky, yes," Mary Ann frowned. "Cunning, most certainly. But clever? Not this one. No wonder her people left her behind. I'm glad we caught her and put her in jail, but what on earth are we going to do with her? We can't keep her locked up forever!"
"I know!" 222 said, snapping his fingers. "Let's take her some water and get her to talk! I can practise my spy techniques. Think how impressed the others would be if we got her to tell us everything while they were down at the beach playing with a boat!"
"Oh, Gilligan, I don't know," Mary Ann said, worriedly. "I doubt she'll talk to us, but I guess even a spy needs water, especially in this heat."
222 was already at the rain barrel in the corner, excitedly spooning water into a gourd. "It's the humane thing to do, Mary Ann," he nodded. "Anyways, it won't take long. It might even be fun!"
"I'm not sure it'll be fun," Mary Ann sighed, "but I admit I am curious to see her. I wonder if the apple I threw left any lasting damage?"
222 blinked. The apple she threw? He carried on filling the gourd, deciding it was best not to ask.
222 and Mary Ann set off down the path towards the bamboo jail. Mary Ann seemed quite relaxed in his company, chatting away about the events of the last two days and how glad she was to be out of 'that cave'. 222 listened intently, storing away all the information he needed. He wasn't happy that 223 had put the girl through such hell, but that was only because he knew the castaways weren't the enemy. No-one had ever believed him about that, and this poor, innocent farm girl had suffered for it.
But that was the nature of the spy business. Feelings were not allowed to get in the way.
Somehow though, 222 couldn't help liking this girl. Not only was she the original template for 223's stunning new looks, she was just as he remembered- bright, bubbly, and harmless. He doubted she would even kill a fly. As she chatted away to him, thinking he was Gilligan, he almost began to feel envious of the boy.
Meanwhile, Gilligan himself was already returning. He really had not wanted to leave Mary Ann on her own, and the more he thought about her being at the huts by herself, the more his anxiety built and built until it became a nagging doubt that clawed at the back of his mind and wouldn't let go. He spun on his heels at the very end of the path and hurriedly began retracing his steps back to camp. By the time the huts were in sight, he was running.
He came around the side of the hut he shared with the Skipper just in time to see 222 and Mary Ann disappearing into the trees. He ducked down, grabbing onto the hut to steady himself. At first he couldn't believe his eyes- he thought he was seeing things. And then his jaw dropped as he came to the horrifying realisation that his doubt had been completely justified.
"The guy who took the pie!" he uttered, hoarsely. "The guy who looks exactly like me! He's back!"
222 and Mary Ann stood outside the bamboo jail while 223 glowered at them from within the gloom.
"You have come to laugh at me, I suppose," she muttered, icily.
"If I wanted to laugh at somebody I'd laugh at the Skipper," 222 replied in Gilligan's voice. "We came here to get you to talk! Oh- and to give you this." He tried to cram the gourd through the bars, slopping water everywhere.
"Dumbkov!" 223 snarled. "It is too fat to fit! Just like your precious Skipper."
"Hey!" Mary Ann cried. "Don't you make fat jokes about the Skipper!"
"No, that's my job!" 222 protested. "But she's right- it is too fat to fit." He attempted to push the gourd through the bars one more time and then gave up. "Guess I'll just have to open the door," he said, reaching into his pocket.
Mary Ann did a double take. "Gilligan! No! You're not going to open the door!"
"Relax, Mary Ann. I'm just gonna give her the water." 222 pulled out the skeleton keys and began fitting them into the lock one by one. He worked clumsily, as he imagined Gilligan would.
223 came over and stood at the door. She studied him with renewed interest, like a cat watching a mouse.
"Gilligan, those aren't the right keys!" Mary Ann said, peering into his hands.
222 turned his back to her and kept trying. "Yes, they are," he said, assertively. "I found them on the Professor's table."
"No, they aren't! I know what the jail key looks like!" Mary Ann grabbed 222's arm and tried to pull him away, but he shrugged her off as though she were a minor inconvenience.
"What is he doing now?" 223 laughed derisively. "Did you miss me so much, Gilligan, that you have come to set me free?"
222 stuck the lockpick into the lock, twiddled it this way and that, and finally heard the tumblers roll back. He stood for a moment, his mouth dry, his heart hammering in his chest.
It was now or never.
"In a manner of speaking," he said, calmly, "Da."
223's eyes met with his and realisation dawned. "You!" she hissed, her mouth falling open.
222 yanked the door open, grabbed Mary Ann by the arm and swung her around and into the jail. At the same time he reached for 223's arm and pulled her towards him, out of the cell. Both girls cried out in confusion as the spy moved so swiftly they barely had time to think.
And then there was another sudden commotion as Gilligan himself came flying out of the bushes and shoved 222 hard in the middle of his back. 222 collided with Mary Ann inside the cell and Gilligan grabbed 223's arm and pulled her out.
Then he slammed the jail door shut.
"Gotcha!" he yelled, triumphantly. "Thought you could outsmart us, huh? Come on, Mary Ann, let's go tell the others we...oh."
Gilligan noticed Mary Ann staring at him from behind the bars and realised his mistake.
223 meanwhile, was trying to make a desperate break for freedom. "Let...me...go!" she hissed, struggling to break free of his grip.
"You should be in there!" Gilligan said, grabbing onto her with both hands before she escaped.
"And I should be out there!" said Mary Ann indignantly, from inside the jail cell.
"And I should be anywhere else but here," 222 lamented, mournfully.
Mary Ann turned and stared at 222. "I should have known!" she exclaimed. "Gilligan's evil double!"
"Hey, not so much with the 'evil'!" 222 protested.
"Why, if I weren't raised to be polite, I'd slap you right across your smirking face," Mary Ann muttered. "Making me think you were Gilligan like that. Making us all think you were Gilligan!"
222 smiled. "I like a woman with fire," he said.
"Don't tempt me," Mary Ann retorted, folding her arms and shooting him a look of pure disdain.
Outside the jail cell, Gilligan continued to hold the struggling 223 tightly with one arm while he picked at the lock with the other.
"Turn it a little more to the left," 222 offered.
"I'm trying!" Gilligan panted. "It's not easy doing it with one hand!"
222 approached the bars and glared at his wayward comrade. "223!" he said, in his lowest, most threatening tone. "Vedite sebya prilichno, ili budet beda!"
223 stopped struggling. "YA ne slushayu vas," she muttered, but the fury was already wavering in her eyes. She stood quietly while Gilligan continued fumbling with the lock.
"What did you tell her?" asked Mary Ann, incredulously.
"I told her if she does not behave, there will be no kissing for her," he grinned, mischievously.
223's eyes bulged in horror. "Vy svinʹi. Vy ne govorite pravdu!" she screeched, her face mottled with renewed rage.
"I am a pig who does not tell the truth," he translated, before Mary Ann had the chance to ask him.
"It certainly is an interesting language," the farm girl concluded.
223 continued to berate her grinning comrade in Russian while they waited for Gilligan to finish picking the lock.
The lock clicked open at last.
"Okay, everybody just stay where you are." Gilligan eased 223 around in front of him and began to pull the door open. "It's okay, I've done this before," he said, trying to appear confident.
"You have thrown everybody in jail before?" 222 asked, his eyebrows raised.
"As a matter of fact, he has," Mary Ann replied- adding, "don't ask," with a sideways glance up at the spy.
Gilligan pulled the door open. He shoved 223 inside. 223 grabbed hold of 222 and spun him around, pushing him into Gilligan with a thump that knocked the wind out of his lungs. The door slammed shut again. This time the women were in jail and the men were on the outside.
"Oh," Gilligan sighed. "I goofed again."
"That one was not your fault," 222 said, standing next to him like the twin from Hell. "223, why did you do that?"
"Because you are a pig and I do not wish to be anywhere near you," 223 pouted, jutting her chin defiantly into the air.
Mary Ann put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Now this really is getting ridiculous!" she huffed, impatiently.
"Uh-oh," said Gilligan, nudging 222 in the ribs. "Mary Ann's getting that look."
223 mirrored Mary Ann and adopted an identical pose. Soon both women were staring out of the jail with their hands on their hips. They would have been indistinguishable from one another, except that 223 was dirty and Mary Ann was clean.
"You know what, Gilligan?" said 222, "maybe we should both make a break for it."
"Don't even think about it, Gilligan," said Mary Ann, just in case Gilligan was actually considering the suggestion.
Gilligan picked the lock and reopened the door. "This time we're getting it right!" he announced. He looked at Mary Ann and held his hand out expectantly. "Not you," he said to 223, who was also edging closer. "You stay where you are!"
In the very next moment, the crucial moment that hung suspended like a drop of water on the end of an icicle, the moment between the tick and the tock that defined every single moment that followed hence, 222 darted sideways, leaned past Gilligan, grasped 223 by the arm and yanked her out of the jail. Using his other elbow he nudged Gilligan with just enough force so that the First Mate had no chance to regain his footing before the door was firmly shut and locked behind him.
"No!" cried Mary Ann, her arms going around Gilligan as he stumbled towards her. "No! This isn't fair!"
"Nothing is fair," 222 said, pocketing the keys. He stood on the outside of the bars with 223's hand held tightly in his, lest she try to get away from him, too. "But you do not need to worry. This is just a temporary measure. I did not come here to cause harm or trouble, only to collect my fallen comrade and leave this island forever."
"Let us out!" Mary Ann shouted. "How could you? We've never done anything to either of you. Why, we fed you, and looked after you, and gave you our beds to sleep in. And this is how you repay us!"
222 came right up to the bars and looked in. His expression softened and became almost like one of Gilligan's.
"I know this," he said, quietly. "I have told my people there is nothing to fear from this place. We will not be back, I assure you." His blue-green eyes bored into Mary Ann's brown eyes. A warm flush rose up her neck and Gilligan came over and stood next to her, fixing the spy with a glare of warning.
"As for the food, and the comfort, and the hospitality, it is something we are going to miss," 222 continued. "Do not think I have forgotten your coconut crème pies, Mary Ann Summers. I cannot find anything like them in all of Soviet Russia. Is enough to drive a man bezumnyĭ!" He circled his finger at the side of his head and winked.
Mary Ann pierced 222 with her best indignant glare. "Am I meant to take that as a compliment, you...you...masquerading pie-thief?"
"Of course!" A dimple just like Gilligan's flashed in 222's left cheek. "It was meant entirely so. But now, I regret to say, we must be going." He kissed his fingertips and blew the kiss towards Mary Ann and Gilligan. "It was very nice to meet you. I am sorry that the feeling was not mutual."
"I'll say it wasn't!" Mary Ann muttered, frostily, but the spy had already stopped listening.
"Au revoir!" called 223 over her shoulder as 222 began running down the path, still holding tightly to her hand, forcing her to run as fast as she could on her much shorter legs or fall flat on her face in the dust.
Mary Ann and Gilligan stood together at the bars and watched the two spies disappear into the jungle, leaving nothing but empty air and a few fluttering leaves behind them. Still in a state of semi disbelief, they turned their heads at exactly the same time and stared at each other in open-mouthed amazement.
And then they began to yell for help.
Loudly.