Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, Criminal Minds is not owned by me!
A/N:Even though it's been loner than I wanted, I have been ill, but I do have three updates ready for you guys as a result... Silver lining maybe? So, for now, take my thanks and smiles and enjoy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Today was gruelling. Penelope was tested on and examined, scanned and discussed. She felt like an animal all over again, one to form speculation and one to await her fate. All Penelope knew was that she had to put her trust in everyone that was running the tests and evaluating her new prognosis.
Then she had to put her trust in everyone being okay with whatever was to come out of this. That was the worst part; going home to everyone to tell them the news. Each and every one of them expecting it to be good regardless of the bad. However, Penelope was not optimistic; she hadn't been since she heard the doctors talking in the hospital when she was admitted months ago. She knew she had to be, she had to take everyone's positive vibes and channel them. The entire wedding party were still around for her and even though most were going home in a few days time, she still had an enlarged army to stick by her.
To top it all, she had a headache that was only increasing and she felt the need to nap, or sleep for days. Regardless of today, she was still run down from chemo and the excitement in the house and today would either end that or prolong that.
Either way, she didn't care. She couldn't care if she was promised a long life at the end of it all.
Penelope watched her oncologist, much like she had when she was first diagnosed. He hadn't changed much in the past handful of months. He still looked identically the same. She watched as he read over her notes, much like he had done the first time and like before, he put his hands, clasped together, on her file and looked at her with that same look.
Swallowing hard, she braced herself.
"The results we got back from the tests offer us both good and bad news, Penelope," The doctor began and offered her a small smile. "On the good side, the chemo made some marginal change to the tumour, enough to pull the majority of it away from your spinal cord, but not enough to have shrunk it as much as we would've hoped."
"So what does that mean?" Penelope asked, testing her own fate.
"We will schedule you in for surgery. We need to get as much of the tumour out while we can and we need to make it soon. Now it's no longer compromised by its position to cause any damage to you, we can simply remove it. Then we can discuss your options, unless you're happy to try our newest treatment and we'll set that up right away for after the surgery, Penelope."
Penelope was seemingly frozen at the influx of news.
Derek knew to question the new treatment, but he was more concerned with the surgery that would come first. "This surgery," Derek began, he had question after question for this professional, "It will be successful right?"
The doctor nodded, "Of course, not only will the surgery help us remove as much of the tumour as possible, but it will also enable us to see just how much the cancer has metastasised with the surrounding bones and tissues. There's no way to determine what type of bone erosion there will be." Ne saw Derek try to make heads or tails of that, "Basically, the surgery will help us see how much damage the cancer has done to the surrounding areas. In these cancer cases, we usually see repairs to bones necessary, but at the moment, from the scans, it is looking like a simple procedure."
Looking to Penelope, he knew she was taking this in, even though she was trying to distance herself from it all, but she needed to face reality or make it harder for herself.
"You commented on your back pain getting worse, Penelope," The doctor spoke up to snap Penelope out of her shock. "That would make us think that the tumour has attached to bone, but that is something we won't know the extent of until the surgery." He saw her fear ignite and even though he knew he had to be cruel to be kind, he still hated that look, "On a positive note, the cancer hasn't in fact spread anywhere. You are all clear of any cancer cells developing anywhere else in your body."
"If it has joined the bone, what will that mean for me?" Penelope asked simply, "What treatment does that require?"
The doctor gave her a reassuring smile, "That will be for your surgeon to decide. That isn't my call jus tyet, but I have already alerted the best neurosurgeon we have in the country. I promise you now, Penelope, she will do her best to make sure you come out of this as cancer free as possible." He continued with optimism, "Her work is award winning and I am saying this to make you more confident in your prognosis." He tried to calm the moment and then cleared his throat, "Now we need to think about the course of action afterwards. From your scans we know you will need some treatment and I want to discuss a new treatment that has high success rates." He picked up a readymade file and looked up from it, "I'm confident that with the two combined I can predict a heavy prognosis."
Derek took the file and looked at it, putting it between he and Penelope, he looked at the first several pages and then up at the doctor, "And this will work? This will cure Penelope?"
The doctor nodded, "Although, it comes with worse side effects, I won't lie and it will be much more gruelling than the chemo you have had, the results are far more successful. For us to do this treatment you won't be able to leave the hospital and it will be intense. Much more than what you previously experienced. With that and the surgery combined, I see no other prognosis than a complete cure. Normal chemo might not be our option any longer seeing as it hasn't made much different."
Taking the file, Penelope just read the front page and shook her head. "I've heard of this," Penelope commented, "We can't afford this." Penelope felt the tears bubbling up as she looked to Derek. She had done her research long ago, the night of her original diagnosis and she knew all about what it did to a person. Her findings had been extremely thorough and consistent.
"We'll find a way," Derek soothed instantly. He wasn't going to lose faith now.
"I'll leave you for a few moments," The doctor cut in momentarily, "We will schedule the surgery for this week, we need to work fast with this now we have an opportunity and then we will discuss our next stage of action. Whether you want to progress with the chemo we have been using with additional radiotherapy or whether you want to move onto to the newer treatment." He saw her nod at him, "I'll go and start those arrangements now for the surgery, whilst you two discuss this between you."
Having heard him left, Penelope sat in silence for a moment trying to comprehend what was ahead of them now. She looked to Derek again and felt her tears getting closer to breaking free. "I'm going to die," Penelope whispered painfully to him. "Without that treatment that's it, Derek, I'm done for. The chemo hasn't been working as it is, why would it after the surgery?"
"We'll find something. We'll find the money," Derek said calculating multiple get rich quick options in his head. "Even if we do the surgery now, and pick up this treatment in a few weeks time. I will make sure you get this treatment, Baby Girl."
Trying to calm herself, Penelope was panicking double time over this, "What if we can't make the money up, Derek?" She asked him, "My health insurance won't cover this at all. It's too expensive and it's not what they call conventional chemotherapy. I checked, I tried everything when I was first diagnosed and this, this is too much."
"Will you let me worry about this?" Derek asked her, it seemed to be his only request of her right now. "I want you to focus on getting better, and let me focus on this side of it all. Can you do that?" He watched her nod and pulled her close to him so he could hold her and plant a kiss on her head, "This won't beat us."
When the doctor came back in, Penelope tried to put on a brave face and ignore her fighting spirit.
Penelope left that hospital only feeling like the surgery was something that was going to prolong her life. She wasn't going to get the words remission spoken to her; she wasn't going to be just Penelope again.
Her death was all she could see now.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
She had lost hope entirely.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"So with the surgery," Marcus started, wanting to know what exactly happened at the hospital, "How long does that mean you'll be in hospital for?"
Penelope shrugged, "There's no time limit on it. It depends on how bad the tumour is, how much bone erosion there is, stuff like that. It's going to be a long process once it's started."
"Well you have us all," Marcus reminded her and she nodded, didn't speak, just issued a small smile and tried to think positive.
"What's up, Penny?" Matthias asked his friend's wife with growing concern. This was the quietest he had seen her, even the side effects never rendered her quiet for long.
"I'm just worried about the surgery," She admitted and remained quiet, even as they lavished her with support. "That's all."
Everyone watched Penelope, this was lowest she had ever been.
Reid, having watched Penelope, brought Bambi in and placed her on the floor so she could run to Penelope, only using Clooney as a means for jumping up onto Penelope. He, out of everyone, knew that chemotherapy induced depression so easily and so he was using the dogs as a mean to help cheer her up and he realised that it had worked for a moment as Penelope smiled.
"So once the surgeries done, you'll be cancer free?" Her brother, Adam, pressed for details.
She nodded and then needed an escape, "I need some air," Penelope promptly said and needed to get out of the room as everyone seemed so consumed with the surgery. She placed the puppy on the floor and pushed Clooney to leave before she fled the room entirely.
Everyone exchanged looks as Derek got up and followed her immediately. "Baby," Derek spoke as he left the house, leaving the door open so he could get her back inside.
Penelope stopped him, "I just need a few minutes, Handsome."
"Talk to me," Derek tried to make her talk, he had his assumptions, but didn't want to start guessing and making her more upset. He wanted her to talk it out. "What is bugging you?"
She went back in and went for her bag; she pulled the booklet on the new treatment and flashed it at him. "This, this is what is bugging me!" She said low and heated, her eyes bubbling with tears, "The entire idea of the surgery and what's to come is what's bugging me, and I'm scared, Derek." She told him honestly, and didn't need to tell him that the monetary side was bugging her as well.
"I said we would find the money," Derek tried to calm the moment, knowing that everyone could hear, but even he knew everyone needed to hear this now, they needed to know how bad her prognosis really was.
"Derek, we can't afford the cost of this! We can't afford it now, and we won't be able to afford it in a couple of weeks," Penelope shouted at him and slammed the booklet down. Her true emotion coming out now, "And you heard the doctor!" She continued, her voice not withholding the fear from her voice. "Without that treatment I practically kill my chances of surviving this so guess what, Derek? We aren't going to get that future and I've done exactly what I didn't want to! I get to make you a widow!" She let the tears fall freely then, her sobs weakening her more and more, "This has finally beaten me."
"No, it hasn't," Derek fought back, "I get that you're angry and you're sad and you're worried, but you seem to forget that we still have your apartment to sell, and this house so that we can move into our house. There are ways," Derek soothed her confidently.
"By the time the money comes in though, Derek?" Penelope questioned him, "He said this would work if we did the surgery and the treatment together. I don't want to wait to keep fighting this," Penelope admitted and just broke down, feeling Derek take her into his arms she went completely weak and let him hold her tight.
"Why wouldn't they tell us?" Adam asked as he listened to his sister's outburst.
Fran was trying to keep strong, "Knowing Penelope, she was trying to keep a brave front up for all of us."
"She know to let us in," Carl admitted solemnly as he felt the silence taking over every as shock fell heavily.
Rossi cut in and smiled positively. He was glad the case was closed in time to be here. He realised that maybe Kevin deserved some sort of reward of gratitude. "She'll let you in soon, but Penelope has the right to digest the news first." He looked at them all, "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Dave?" Hotch asked suspiciously.
"Nowhere far," He told his friend and stood up and left the group. He went out of the front of the house and took to pacing the driveway. He grabbed his phone and rang the doctor. He wasn't ashamed that he had taken it down Penelope's oncologist number, but he knew that he would help with her treatment one day.
He didn't care that he had bought them a house and was now buying Penelope's treatment because he couldn't think of anything better to put his money on than towards Penelope's health. His pseudo-daughter for intent and purposes wasn't going to be lost in the face of death. Rossi was going to keep helping however he could until Penelope was given the future she was praying for.
Going back into the house, he feigned he needed air and time to think which was why he had left, but that he was okay now. He then went for the kitchen.
"I know it's hard, Penelope," He broke the moment, seeing Derek holding Penelope as she cried out, "But you need to let us all in with the truth now. No more hiding to stop from hurting our feelings."
Penelope wiped her face as she pulled away from Derek's chest, "I don't want to hurt any of you."
Putting his hand out to her, he shot her a look, "I don't care, you gotta keep us on board, Kitten." He then pulled her into the living room, Derek behind them and got her sitting down comfortably again. "Now talk," He commanded her and everyone showed them commitment and support.
The more she told them, the more she calmed. Once she had it all out in the open, she was able to settle down and rest. Penelope always thought that keeping the worse between her and Derek would be the best form of attack, but really letting everyone in was that. She now felt like she could deal with this and take it day to day instead of all at once. She just had to put her trust in everyone and not just herself.
It wasn't even two hours later when the phone rang for Penelope, alerting her that her surgery and new treatment would all be starting in two days time.
With an anonymous donation, getting her cancer free was a top priority.
Rossi wasn't going to tell her until after she was past the point of refusing to tell her he was the donor.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Compassion of Mortality -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-