Silvermane1: Thanks!

Adjovi: Thank you, Roger believe in strict measures to ensure better performance. The girls are lucky that they weren't raised by him but being trained by him wasn't much better. In answer to your question, no Faith does not know that Connor is Angel's son. And the Angel POV is this chapter.

Housabholic32: I'd imagine Illyria would have many questions that Faith would find amusing. ;) Thanks.

Oh I was just curious. Well we'll see what happens I guess.

Karone Evertree: Thanks, I'm not too fond of writing them so I'm never too sure how they read for other people. You'll see what he did when I get back to the slayers. He sees it more as a punishment/lesson than torture. And I wouldn't say that their entirely "messed up" they just have different beliefs from Buffy. Granted more intense but with the exception of their treatment from Roger they usually are able to handle themselves quite well mentally and physcially.

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Hearts are not to be had as a gift
hearts are to be earned...
by William Butler Yeats

Illyria had given him curious glances all throughout her talk to Faith. Angel had a nagging feeling that what the god-king wanted to ask about mating with species was more about human vs. vampire sex. Or female/male vs. male/male. He recalled her past mutterings of prey mantis so she had to have known. Leaning against the cushioned seat Angel closed his eyes and for the first time in ages let himself go over the events that had occurred between Spike and himself.

It was a mistake one Angel deeply regretted. He never would have gone through with it if he was of sound mind. Not that he had ever been entirely sane with Spike around, especially lately. Things had never been easy for Angel, and he had felt the lost of his friends profoundly. Afterwards having the others around, fighting evil, they were all distractions for him. The other souled vampire…was something else. Something he could not name.

Was it the fact that they shared the same bloodline, similar past or the souls that made the difference? For whatever the reason their working relationship had altered along the way. He doubted Spike knew when it had occurred Angel himself had been startled when he had discovered it. Illyria had been going through CDs listening to the music completely baffled by some of the lyrics. (Though she seemed to understand some message behind "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" with perfect clarity.)

Spike had attempted to explain music to her even though he had no idea what the hell "the songs of the green" sounded like. He even told a story about meeting the Beatles with Drusilla before the band broke up. Angel found himself amused by not only the story of Yoko Ono singing with Dru but also the way Spikes' face scrunched up to express his thoughts on that "music." The blonds' hand weaved back and forth telling the tale animatedly. He went on about how the songs were more about the feelings behind it than the words, it was an expression of one's heart.

Something about Spikes' speech clicked and Angel found himself fascinated with the vampire before him. At first he had figured that the blonds' soul didn't affect him like his did. Then came the Dana incident and the masks finally fell away. There before him was the soul shining so brightly it was blinding. It was pure William speaking with such passion and longing that Angel felt stunned…among other things.

The attraction only grew stronger in time with an intensity that unbalanced him. He was lusting after Spike of all people. It wasn't right to be overwhelmed by the others' presence. To have his dreams taken over by images that made him restlessly longing for something he dared not name.

Angel had been spellbound when their conversation one day turned towards discussion of Spikes' soul. Such opened honesty threw him through a loop and he unbelievably felt proud of the younger vampire. Though disappointed to have such a riveting tale go uncompleted he found himself unwilling to ask to hear more. Not if it made these unnatural feelings of his pop up again. It wasn't the fact that Spike was a man that unnerved him as much as it was who the man was. How could he, Angel, feel such a strong need for Spike?

Still guilt nagged at him that he should be honest in return and so the subject of Connor was opened. There was an argument, which was so familiar that Angel found it relieving. Sure he was annoyed at the claims that he had done nothing to deserve his rewards even though a small part of him silently agreed. Connor visited soon after and the disagreement was forgotten. His son and Spike got along well, causing jokes at his expense or testing each other in the basement/training room. Angel wanted to pout about it jealous of the ease the two conversed but he found himself extremely pleased by the results for some strange reason.

The fascination in his rival was going strong when he watched Spike fighting during their battle with the Ka'trow demons. That made it all too easy to explain away what happened next from the drinking that occurred in celebration. Angel had dragged the blond up to the attic, having a strong need to share and brag about his drawings. They had their own little pissing contest to see who could render the most life like etching of the other. Though he expected that the teasing was all in fun Angels' ego hoped that Spike wouldn't actually attempt to take up three pages for his forehead.

The puppet sketch made him feel grumpy as a tiny part of him had hoped to be drawn more appealing nature though he knew of the unlikelihood. Personally he didn't see what was so adorable about the puppet that had everyone cooing over him. Spike claimed that it was cute unlike the real him. But damn it he knew he was cute! Cordelia had called him a care bear with fangs—not that he would admit that out loud.

The brunette ordered the other to recline on the sofa as he was now the model. He was determined to make the Spike pay with his little taunt, maybe by making a puppet version of him. All thoughts completely left him however when he took in the vision before him. There was Spike lying back uncomfortably running his hand unconsciously through his now curly hair. He was gorgeous in a way that no being outside flights of fancy should have been. Gone was the mask of irritation and toughness to reveal a fidgety poet. Muscles lean and toned to perfection made the artist in him cry out in appreciation. It made the man in him want to trace over the firmness with his own hands. So damn beautiful.

Spikes' eyes unfocused thinking of some other thing, not him. It wouldn't do though, Angel had to have Spike focusing on him and only him. Orders were roughly given for the blond to look up at him through a strangely dry throat. Two rapidly darkening sapphire orbs blinked up at him holding him captive like a deer caught in a headlight beam. He found that he liked seeing the bleach blond like this. Never had those impenetrable walls been lowered enough to give Angel a glimpse of the man inside. The lines on the paper could never compare to what he saw but he still attempted to capture it.

Each line was given life after his eyes stroked sensually down that ravishing body holding Angel entralled. In that moment he could not deny the feeling that pulsed between them for ages now. He was dimly aware of the musky scent of male arousal bringing then tension up another notch. Much like a twig being twisted in two different directions something had to give under the pressure until the inevitable happened. In this case Angel's defenses snapped given into his instincts. He watched as a wide eyed Spike tracked his movements and let him see the man Angel had finally found.

Spike seemed embarrassed to have himself found out so completely and Angel wondered if he'd lash out with violence in an attempt to bury William again. When their eyes met however he knew that the smaller vampire would not be running away from him tonight. The brunette reached out to touch him gently for the first time, to feel the smoothness of his jaw and guide their lips together. Things were a bit of a blur as they somehow managed to get down to Spike's room through a shower of kisses. There was no great rush as they slipped clothes from their bodies to join together on the bed. It had felt natural, without awkwardness of who does what and where.

Angel had shared tenderness with other lovers, Buffy first through their one real night together that ended in disaster and then the day that never happened. He had dreamed of it with Cordelia knowing in his heart that had it really occurred it would have been just as loving. With Nina it had been gentle but lacked the emotional connection of the other two women. With Spike then it was intense sparking passion that he had thought had died. The difference between being with a man after years of being with women hadn't been a problem like he would have assumed. Angelus had been with his share of men for varies reasons, humiliation, boredom, to get Darla excited, and it had been easy to ease back into the act. There were no issues for dominance for once with them. They shared the roles without having to speak a word.

Spike was so beautiful that Angel could not take his eyes off him if he wanted to, all he did want was to watch his reactions. There they all were bared before him spurring him on to want more. How could he have known someone and not known them so long? It was a mystery to him.

After wearing themselves out the pair collapsed in a sweaty pile of limbs and fell into a dreamless slumber. When Angel woke he thought vaguely how his walls weren't painted this color. The next thing he noted was the additional weight in his arms of another body curled against his. Slowly like the way one would back away from a deadly snake Angel lifted his gaze to the sprawled figure. The smell of the activities filled his senses making him dizzy with it's potency. There was Spike in all his glory with his hair tousled that somehow managed to be both messy and sexy. Angel blinked. He had sex. He had sex with Spike! Together!

Panic ran through his body at these thoughts, Angel had liked the friendship he had with Spike now. He didn't want it to become anything more, he may have lusted after the bleach blond but he knew that he wasn't in love with him. Nor did he want to have the chance to do so. First of all this was Spike hence it would be doomed to fail before it even started. Second of all Angel didn't want to be in any relationship. With Buffy it had been the first time either of them had been in love, they were naive and saw things through rose colored glasses. Even without Angelus it never would have lasted long in the real world. Now they had too much baggage that they never solved, too many changes and secrets from each other. They were completely different from their lovestruck counterparts.

Cordelia and him had been friends first, she was his best friend getting him to open up about anything. She was more direct than Buffy and if he was honest more accepting. She didn't scrunch up her face when she handed him his blood she actually tried to flavor it. They'd joke about his past and Cordy would ask to hear more of his soulless stories knowing full well that he could have done unspeakable acts but needed to know what happened.

She never flinched with him and was the first to hug him. Buffy may have inspired him to be a hero but Cordelia made him a man. He had started to fall for her just before Buffys' second death and later fell deeply in love with her. She had loved him too but outsiders kept coming between them never allowing them to be together. Her last day on earth had been for him and her. Angel knew that she didn't want him to wallow in regret or misery. How many times had she told him to get his head out of his ass? Or when she told him that by going on he was honoring Buffy when she died? Which meant that Cordy wanted him to honor her by moving on too? Right?

Nina had been a rebound from his loss with Cordelia his friends supported it figuring he needed someone after losing the second woman he loved, the one that would never come back. She was nice and sweet but didn't make him laugh. Didn't get him to face his issues and let him know that even with his mistakes he wasn't a monster. No, he was the one reassuring her. They only had sex once and though it was okay Angel knew it was far from perfect. Couldn't be when he found himself wishing for someone else who'd tease him afterwards. He didn't love Nina and he didn't want to love anyone else after Cordelia.

Maybe that was why he was drawn to Spike, like Cordelia he could make him face his issues, wasn't afraid to say it like it was and had finally made him laugh. But it felt like a betrayal, like a lie. Angel was tired of lies, where had lies led him? To believe that Cordy would...Jasmine the greatest lie there ever was...his son's suicide attempt...Worfram and Hart...his friend's deaths. He wouldn't lie anymore.

A tap on his shoulder drew Angel out of his musings to see Connors' worried eyes. Words from another life another version of his son came back to him, "You can't be saved by a lie. You can't be saved at all."

"Dad? Is there something I can do?" His new son asked. That lie had saved his childs' life at the cost of his friends'. It couldn't save anyone else.

"Just..." He trailed off not sure what anyone could do for him. Turn back time? Bring his loved ones back? Undo the mess he made with his mistake of sleeping with Spike to have his friend back? "...just go back to sleep."

Connor seemed to read between the lines of his father's unspoken plea and awkwardly leaned back so his body was in his father's embrace giving in the comfort he needed