The concept of desensitizing exercises is courtesy of Jessica314 here in FF.
The idea of Esme painting to help learn motor control comes from MikiInBlueJeans' story Faith & Love here on FF.
Beta: The incredible and amazing kiwihipp
(Updated 14 Apr 18)
Chapter 21: It Takes Practise
We only needed to travel about ten miles south when I caught the scent of a herd of deer on the wind.
Taking down two, I drank the buck first and then the doe. Feeling much better, I buried the remains under a tree.
When I turned back to my family, Bree and Diego looked astonished.
"It takes practise," I explained.
"I bet," Bree muttered.
Fortunately, that herd didn't go far. Rosalie went next taking down two bucks. She didn't like us watching her, so we all turned our backs on her. She returned with her regular haughtiness.
"You did well, Rose," I encouraged her as I wrapped my arm around her side, hoping that she knew I was referring to our attempt to capture Victoria.
"Thanks, Mom. I just wish I had something to show for it," she said bitterly. "You know?" she asked almost pleading for understanding.
"Yes," I agreed. "Yes, I do. Another day perhaps it will manifest. You not attaining what we had hoped for does not diminish in anyway your strength and courage in how you behaved."
Without much pause she replied her voice only carrying to me, "I should have been more patient. Jasper said to use our heads, not our instincts, and to wait for the right moment. Maybe if I had listened to him more, we won't be in our present situation."
"And maybe it would have gone much worse, and we would have learned far less. No one can say, Rose. It's done. Rejoice in what was accomplished, learn from your mistakes, and relish in the positive outcomes that manifested along with the fact that you are standing here unharmed. That, above all else, must account for something," I told her matching her pitch with a slight firmness in my voice.
"Yes, ma'am," she retorted with her eyes downcast in a form of agreeableness that was unlike her. Then, she looked up to me. Her eyes shone with strength and pride, and she smiled in that haughtiness that was her signature look.
"Love you, Rose," I said so quietly I wasn't sure she heard me.
"Love you, Mom," she said back after a long stretch.
While Rosalie and I had been speaking, the family had all been standing within a few yards of one another keeping an eye on Diego and Bree, and Alice had taken down two does.
"I really don't like deer," Emmett grumbled after Alice was done.
"We all make sacrifices in life," I teased him, "this is yours."
He ran a bit and we followed him till he found a larger herd and took down three bucks and a doe. He had snapped their necks so they were paralysed. Doing so kept the blood warm for longer, but I thought it too cruel to the animal, so often my second animal's blood was slightly cooler than the first.
When he was done, Jasper took two bucks and two does. While Jasper had hunted, I had moved towards Emmett.
"How you doing big guy?" I asked quietly enough that only he would hear.
He looked over at Rosalie, then me, and then down. "Testing my strength and using my skills to protect the family feels good, but I didn't like watching Rosalie take the risks she did. It made me think about how she's often giving out to me about me taking risks. If something were to happen to me, she wouldn't do great," he mused.
"No, she probably wouldn't," I agreed.
"I was a risk taker in my human years. Nothing bad every really happened from my fearless attitude and choices. Even the bear turned out good for me in the end," he told me.
He rarely spoke about the past and even less about his human years. Thus, his reference of the past made it seem like he'd been shaken up by our attempts to capture Victoria.
"But I'm a married man now. What I choose affects her and vice versa," he stated with the tone of a new awareness.
"That is very true," I agreed.
"I'm going to try and think first before my next antic. They're fun, but not if they're going to hurt my Rose," he stated emphatically after a few moments had passed.
"That seems wise, Emmett," I told him in support.
He nodded once and then bounded closer to Rosalie squeezing her behind.
I smiled at him. It was their way of communicating silently between each other. And clearly Rosalie got the message, because she looked at him in tenderness before slapping his arm.
I wanted to check in with Jasper and Alice as well, but there wasn't an opportunity before everything was cleaned up and we were heading back to the house.
Carlisle hadn't hunted, which wasn't terribly unexpected, as he could go the longer than any of us.
"What's better than deer?" Diego asked as we travelled back to the house.
"Carnivores," Emmett answered his longing for one clear.
"Can we try that soon?" he asked cautiously.
"How were things for you before?" I asked still unable to imagine how their life had been in Victoria's coven, while Emmett answered, "Sure."
Without acknowledgement of Emmett's response, Diego told us conversationally, "We were let out every night. I usually would have two a night in the beginning. Last month or so, one most nights."
"Um," Bree paused clearly trying to remember, "I'm still at two most nights, but sometimes just one."
That math was astounding.
"How did you maintain high numbers, Jasper?" I asked him considering the stories he had told us and the smaller communities back then.
"Whole towns," was his short and blunt reply.
The answer had been clear before he had said it; nonetheless, it shocked me.
Could this be, in part, why Edward had come back from his years hunting humans fervent in his belief that he was a monster? But as I had told him then, him acting monstrously hadn't turned him a monster. The same was true of Diego and Bree. Their behaviour was horrific, for sure, but it didn't make them any less sweet kids who had so far lived tragically.
Diego and Bree looked confused at our verbal exchange, but said nothing.
We were nearly at the house when Carlisle told Jasper, "We should take them out in the early hours."
"Nah," Diego argued. "I should be good."
"Animal blood doesn't last as long, especially when you're new to the diet. Carlisle can go over three weeks without a feed. The rest of us usually hunt every two weeks or so, but it will take you a while to get there. We'll go in a little over twelve hours," Jasper stated with a military crispness that left no room to argue.
"Alice?" I stated drawing her attention. "Perhaps in the morning you should call Bella and see if you have any homework for your classes that you need to do while you're out?"
"Sure, mom," she replied clearly pleased to be able to talk to Bella.
"Thanks sweetheart," I told her knowing she would understand my double meaning.
Diego and Bree exchanged a look of bafflement and like we were the strangest vampires in the history of the planet. We were probably were, and the events since their arrival, allowed me to be even prouder of our oddities.
Diego and Bree searched through the clothes pile again, and showered once more. As they did, us couples took turns showering, but made sure not to linger. Bree thanked me for her new undergarments, and I burned all their clothes from the hunt.
Alice called Bella a few hours after we got in. They talked about classes, events at school, and Bella's work schedule. At the end of the conversation, Bella sounded more relaxed. It pleased me that I was learning about my newest daughter in these small ways and had been able to assist her.
Carlisle had gotten ready for work after his shower and left for the hospital, giving us no time together.
Emmett solved the in-between hunting and them sitting problem. Guess that boy decided to put his mind to work, since he couldn't put other parts of his anatomy to work, like he clearly wanted.
After he and Rosalie had showered, he had come down and had stood stoically in front on them asking, "What games do you guys know?"
They had looked at each other perplexed and just a little frightened.
"How about gin rummy?" he had offered. "Cards are easily replaceable and it will help you on controlling your strength."
They had said nothing looking at each other like he was going to force them into some voodoo initiation.
He had come back with six decks of cards. Then, he had arranged the furniture, so they didn't have to move from the corner of the living room that they had declared as theirs, while the five of us could still join them.
It took till the eighth deck for them to stop ripping the cards, but they were making progress. Each improvement in their control pleased me. It was wonderful to see them grow more into themselves, and as time passed, they seemed less and less nervous around us.
It hadn't even been twelve hours, since our return, before they were jumpy again.
We went out once more. This time, they managed to get most of the blood into their bodies and the deer were nearly left in one piece. It was progress of a sort.
While they had consumed more deer blood, I had stood near to Alice.
"How are you?" I had asked her quietly.
"Frustrated," she had replied with a great sigh.
"How come?" I had questioned even though I had some guesses.
"My gift just isn't much help," she had explained frustration heavy in her tone.
"With our traipsing through the woods or with our guests?" I had wondered unsure of what she was thinking about.
"Both actually," she had answered. "Instinct is not a decision, so then I'm blind." By the end she had sounded completely defeated.
"So use your other senses," I had encouraged her. "What have you observed? Trust your instincts."
Her mouth had opened up slightly and she had looked at me incredulously.
"Alice," I had started speaking so she would barely hear me, ensuring what I had been about to say would stay between us, "you, out of all of us, might have the most natural of instincts. I know you relied on your gift to guide you when you first woke to this life, but you also awakened entirely vampire with no remnants of your human thoughts and ways of being within you. As a result, of all of us, you have had to work the hardest at mimicking humans. You've adjusted and have done so relatively quickly, because you embraced the lesson. With our guests you have the perfect opportunity to immerse yourself in the here and now and trust your instincts."
"What if I miss something?" she had questioned her voice trembling.
"Has your gift ever failed to warn you of danger when you weren't actively looking or even if you were distracted with other things?" I had asked.
After a few moments of thought she had replied, "No."
"Then trust that," I had instructed.
As we travelled home, Alice seemed less burdened. I noticed that although Bree's eyes looked the same, Diego's had the slightest golden hue.
By the time Carlisle had returned from work, they needed to hunt once more and Carlisle decided he should partake as a precaution. I had to wonder if something had happened at work.
Carlisle had deer and they seemed to watch him intently as he did so. If Jasper hadn't been there, their gazes would have made me more apprehensive.
The next time they managed almost twelve hours. We were able to find Diego a male bear. He agreed that it was better than deer. Afterwards, when he looked over at Bree, he appeared almost apologetic that he hadn't had the mind to let her have some. We promised her the next carnivore we found, but she ended up with more deer.
We were still surrounding them at all times with Jasper and Alice in the back. The next time we went out, since Carlisle was at work, Emmett was in the lead and Rosalie on their left and me on their right. On our way back to the house, Alice must have seen my decision to speak to Jasper because she murmured something to him and then came over to me. She simply nodded her knowing smile prominent, and I went over to where she had come from.
"Thank you Jasper," I told him once we were near enough to one another that I could speak quietly enough for him to hear without the sound travelling beyond him.
"What for?" he asked his face bewildered, matching my pitch.
"For so much, for agreeing to join our family, for all your wisdom that you've given me these past months, but mostly for going to Seattle, protecting our family, bringing home Diego and Bree, even though you disagreed, and now helping them, despite your opinion or any requirement that you do so. You are the finest officer I have ever met, and I am beyond grateful for your presence in our family."
For many miles, as we ran, he said nothing his features appearing as if my words had made him uncomfortable. Finally when he spoke, his tone held incredible gentleness and tenderness that I had never heard him voice, except to Alice. "I don't think anyone has ever thanked me for following orders before."
I suspected that was true, but continued nevertheless. "If I understand what you've told me about your gift, many times you could have compelled our visitors to feed when they were insistent with us that they didn't need to. Instead, you convinced them with words. You keep a close eye on them in order to ensure we're all safe, but you don't hover and make them uncomfortable. I know those years with Maria were difficult, but with our visitors I can see what a great drill sergeant you were and how you would have been equally feared and admired. Maria's foot soldiers might have never understood all that you gave them, and they might have died too young, and you might carry a lot of guilt over having had to end them, but with these two, your talents that have nothing to do with your gift have shined through."
In the corner of my eye he looked bashful, which was just such an unusual look on him. It caused me to wonder if he had ever been praised or acknowledged for the upstanding gentleman he was. Perhaps his accomplishment of being the youngest Major had been his way of trying to prove something, in order to garnish the sense of accomplishment he was searching for. Given how little he remembered of his human life, it was a moot point, but my conjecture helped me feel like I understood him better.
"My tactics are simply the most productive way long-term," he countered.
"That might be true," I conceded. "Nevertheless, it doesn't take much to see that you and my husband have different ideas about how things should be handled. It takes a strong man, Jasper, to submit oneself wholly to the decisions of others, and to act as if you agree, doing your upmost when you actually disagree. Not only that, but if I didn't know you for so long, I would be hard pressed to see your frustration on the matter."
"It doesn't help if the officers are divided amongst themselves," he said as way of an explanation.
"No, it doesn't," I agreed, "but that doesn't make your choices easier or how you're handling yourself less noble."
His jaw set and his whole face clenched. I decided that meant he had enough of my words. Reaching out I put my hand on his shoulder and caught his eyes. "Thank you. I see your sacrifice and I am more grateful than I could ever express."
He nodded stiffly his whole continence stiff and uncomfortable. Gruffly he uttered, "Thank you for speaking to Alice the other day. It did her a lot of good."
Smiling slightly at him I replied, "You're welcome, but I did it because I love her, as I love you, and she needed a mother's care."
He grunted and said no more, so I let him be.
When I got back to Alice she smiled sadly. "Your words were good for him," she told me.
"I'm glad," I murmured quietly back to her. "He's a fine young man, Alice. I've always thought so, but the events since we've returned to Forks has only highlighted the best of him."
She smiled with the glow and warmth that she only did when speaking about Jasper. "He's really the best, it's just been hard for the family to see. He's even more private than Edward, if you would believe it."
"Yes," I said easily. "I've known that for a long time now. You're a lucky woman, Alice," I complimented her.
"He's exactly what I need," was her reply with a dreamy tone that belonged in a romance movie.
"Yes, he is," I agreed easily.
By now we were only a few miles from the house.
"Why don't you take Jasper up to your room and take care of your man and Rosalie, Emmett, and I will keep an eye on Diego and Bree?"
Her face smoothed out just for a second before she answered, "Yes, that would be good."
"Go tell your husband that his commanding officer's wife is issuing him a direct order to take care of his wife for a little bit," I told her playfully.
She looked over at me, smirked, and then bounded off in her little skip that was too sweet and just perfectly Alice.
Right before we got to the house I told them, "Rosalie, Emmett stay down with me this time please."
Rosalie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, but said nothing.
Emmett pouted, but also said nothing.
Diego and Bree looked between them and us unsure of what just happened.
Jasper and Alice didn't reappear until it was almost time for our visitors to hunt again. Alice was practically glowing and Jasper looked more relaxed.
It took the fifth time out, with Diego and Bree having gone more a little over thirteen hours, that Bree had her first bear. She agreed that the blood was more appetising than deer, but she didn't seem overly impressed with the hunting the bear part.
Emmett's insistence on games became the new pattern between hunts, eventually moving out of playing cards into board games and eventually complicated mixes of games as their control of their strength improved. After that, it didn't take long before Emmett challenged Diego to video games again and Bree joined them. The three of them appeared to have a great time. It pleased me to watch them work hard to improve, and like any mother I was proud of them for each of their accomplishments. The images that I had put out of my mind of having a brood of eight entered once more. Nonetheless, I refused to allow these images, no matter how enticing, to take over my heart, as I still hadn't found a good solution were Bella was concerned.
By Thursday night, our eighth time out, they were they able to find a deer scent without our assistance, track the deer, consume the all the blood while keeping the animal in one piece, and bury the remains. They were both proud of themselves. We were proud of the progress they had made. They got to see for themselves that my statement our first time out was true; it was all a matter of practicing.
With each of their accomplishments, my heart clenched a little tighter, warring even more between my mothering reaction to them and my foremost need to protect Bella.
Alice called Bella every afternoon to get her school update. They never once talked about Victoria or our visitors. I suspected the conversations were good for both of them, and, if nothing else, Bella didn't sound overly upset or anxious, which had been my whole point in encouraging the exchanges.
So far through the week, we all stayed in the living room with our visitors, just in case, unless we went to our own bathrooms to shower. I dare say we were getting fed up with each other's company a tad. It didn't help that since Diego and Bree's arrival the couples had little time together, except Carlisle and I having none. This combined with the stress of the situation was grappling us from the inside, demanding assurances and touches from our spouses. Jasper helped ease things whenever he could, as much as he was able, but even his gift had limits I suspected.
When Carlisle came home on Friday we discussed the up and coming meeting with the Quileutes, never once hinting that they were shapeshifters. It was decided that only Carlisle and I should go. The kids would stay with Diego and Bree. In part, I suspected that Carlisle was attempting to keep the truth of the Quileutes a secret from our visitors, for what reason I did not know.
An hour before we needed to leave, Alice and Bella had chatted, since Bella had worked that day. At the end of the conversation Alice handed the phone over to me.
"Afternoon, Bella," I greeted her.
"Hey, Esme. How are the house guests?" she questioned in a cordial tone.
"Doing well, thank you for asking. It looks like they'll be staying longer. Carlisle and I haven't decided whether to keep Alice out of school for next week or not, but I can let you know once we decide, if you would like."
"Sure. How about I call you Monday morning?" she offered.
"That sounds good," I agreed. "Any plans for the weekend?" I asked her curious how she would choose to spend her time.
"I think I'm going to over to Jake's this weekend after work," she let me know with slight hesitation. "I haven't seen him in a few weeks and I miss him."
"How are things with him?" I asked gently trying to show my assurance in her choices through my voice.
"You, know, Jake's Jake."
"No, I don't know," I admitted. "What do you mean?"
"Um, well, Jake wants more than friendship," she said slowly as if admitting a great sin. "Sometimes I feel bad that I'm leading him on, even though I've clearly told him we're just friends."
Pausing to consider what she was trying to say, I told her, "Well, sometimes boys can be thick skulled. Don't be afraid to show a little of that strong Bella who had her friend grovel, that I witnessed once."
She giggled, but then turned serious. "Sometimes Esme, I wonder if I'm foolish for not letting things be more than friends. He really is a good guy."
"I had similar thoughts myself back in the day," I let her know.
"Yeah?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah," I concurred.
"Is it worth waiting, even if they never show?" she questioned her tone melancholy.
What a difficult question! I wasn't sure how to answer, so I went with unabridged honesty, just as I had been encouraging her to do.
"I wish I had waited, mostly because it was unfair to the other person," I told her earnestly unable to keep the sorrow out of my voice. "I had already given my heart away. They deserved better than leftovers." Pausing, I listening intently to her sounds before asking, "Do you understand what I mean by that, Bella?"
She was quiet a long time. "Better than I'd like to admit," she confessed while the sound of tears rolling down her face came through clearly.
"Sometimes life just isn't fair," I consoled her. "I wish I could fix it for you, but I can't. All I can do is love you the way that I know how. Be true to yourself," I advised. "That's the most any of us can hope for."
"Thanks, Esme," she told me through her sniffles.
"Anytime," I stated emphatically. Then I paused briefly before telling her, "By the way, I probably will see Jake later tonight."
"You will?" she asked taken back.
"I'm not sure. But it's possible," I confirmed.
"Well, I can't wait for you to tell me about it Monday morning," she told me with a smile in her tone.
"Sweet dreams, Bella."
"Enjoy your evening, Esme."
It wasn't long after that Carlisle and I headed out to meet up with Sam, arriving at the border a little early.
Carlisle was clearly deep in thought since we had left the house, so I spent the time while we waited reflecting over the last week. To say the least, it had been different than our normal routine. Even though Diego and Bree were much more controlled than those first newborn we had followed, they were nothing like Rosalie or even Emmett had been in their first months. I felt like I had entered alien territory and had no idea what the next week would bring. Good thing we had Jasper was all that I could think as reassurance.
Not long after, we could hear the sound of the Quileutes' paws hitting the ground. They arrived at the border right at the agreed upon time.
"Who are your guests?" Sam greeted us as he cleared the tree line in his human form.
His lack of manners and avoidance, or perhaps ignorance, at protocols made me defensive of our guests. They might be newborns, but they were polite. Bree was very well mannered, and they were respectful, if not a bit skittish.
"Bree Tanner and Diego," Carlisle replied gracefully.
"Are they staying?" Sam asked gruffly in a demanding tone.
"That has yet to be determined," Carlisle replied cordially.
The mother part of me that wanted to correct Sam's manners and to remind him that disrespectful interactions were not helpful in building alliances would not benefit Carlisle's intentions. Instead, clutching his hand in support, I also squeezed my mouth shut.
"Are their eyes red?" Sam pressed with the same rude tone.
"Yes," Carlisle answered kindly. "They are young," he added as an explanation. "Our young's eyes are red for about the first year irrelevant of diet. I promise they have adhered to the treaty."
His words reminded me of how ignorant and young these wolves were, despite their power and capacities. They certainly were not Ephraim's pack. Sam was probably doing the best he could with the hand he had been dealt. I had decades over him. This internal monologue helped me release my irritation from his attitude.
"Well, they're your responsibility," Sam said gruffly.
"Yes, thank you for the reminder, Sam," Carlisle said his tone showing only the slightest amount of ire.
"Any news?" Sam asked after a few moments had passed his tone slightly less cutting.
"No, none on our end," Carlisle let him know, once more returning to the unending diplomat. "Yours?"
"No," Sam said briskly.
"Thank you again for keeping watch over the Swans," Carlisle stated genially.
"Yeah well, Billy would have my hide if something were to happen to them anyway. I'm not really doing it for you," he admitted.
That was good to know. It certainly made Bella safer if they were doing it for their own reasons, than as a favour to us.
"We are appreciative, nonetheless," Carlisle told him graciously.
"We meeting up again next week, then?" Sam confirmed.
"That would be agreeable," Carlisle replied.
"Yeah, but call Billy if something happens," Sam practically ordered us.
"Of course," Carlisle responded kindly, as if Sam's tone had not been offensive.
"Will they come next time?" Sam asked just as he turned to leave.
"Perhaps. We are not yet sure," Carlisle told him tactfully, avoiding answering definitively.
"Fine, see you in a week," Sam huffed, turned completely, and phased.
We stood still watching them leave.
"Well, that could have gone better," Carlisle mused his voice quieter than a whisper.
"Not appreciative of Sam's tone?" I wondered, keeping myself as equally quiet.
"It's fine. He's young and a new leader. I was actually referring to his pressing about Bree and Diego. I understand Sam's desire to meet them, I do, but Jasper made it clear to me the strategic disadvantage of having Bree and Diego meet the Quileutes. As much as I wish to trust and have faith that a meeting would go well, I am inclined to agree with Jasper's concerns," he confessed clearly upset by his words.
Pondering his dilemma, even though he still hadn't shared with me the details of these conversations with Jasper, I finally offered, "Perhaps it is having faith in the wisdom being offered to you though Jasper and in your own judgement. Your endearing belief in the goodness of others is one of your best qualities, but we are each here to help and improve one another. We have to keep the bigger picture in mind. Few are as gracious and embracing of wolves made for our destruction as you are, my dear."
He chuckled. "Yes, I suspect that's true." He lent in and kissed me. "Thank you for your wisdom," he told me as he pulled back.
"How are you doing, Carlisle?" I questioned as the light rain touched us creating a beautiful song in the background.
"Unbalanced and struggling, but getting there," he divulged.
Pulling him towards me, I deepened the kiss he had started, needing to comfort him, but also so appreciative for him being in this place of his own growth. It was hard on him, clearly, but that very struggle meant he was changing.
"Surely, Esme, we should get back," he sputtered clearly shocked by my brazenness.
"I am your wife, and we haven't been together in over a week. You might have the patience of a saint, but I do not," I deadpanned.
He responded by grabbing me tightly, kissing me deeply, and running his hands over my back as if my words had unleashed whatever had been holding him back. When he removed his mouth from mine he uttered softly, "I need you more than ever, love."
"And I you," I replied before we lost ourselves in each other.
Despite our passion and need, we were gentle with one another and our clothes, arriving back home wet and muddy, but decent. We followed my own requirements going to the mudroom, finding something suitable, putting our clothes into the wash, and then heading up to shower.
As we headed out to take Diego and Bree to hunt, I felt much more centred. I had needed the time with Carlisle more than I had realised, and I was glad the opportunity had presented itself. Nevertheless, as much as our physical reconnection had helped, there was much hanging in the air between us.
When we got back from the hunt, Carlisle told them, along with us Cullens, that he was hoping to start them on desensitizing exercises on Sunday and then opened the floor to listen to our thoughts.
I smiled to myself, pleased to see Carlisle, even in the midst of everything, finding his way into being the kind of leader he wanted to be once more.
Jasper was dubious of the idea, pointing out the potential downsides, but didn't openly object. Rosalie and Emmett each offered suggestions of how to do it safely. And Alice put in her two cents worth depending on what she saw.
With everyone's input and Carlisle's final word, we went deep into the park with Carlisle carrying a ziplocked bag enclosed with a few items from his time at work. He had been changing his clothes before he reached home for their sake this whole week, and by the look of it had saved a few shirts rather than washing them. He had Emmett and Jasper hold Diego, while Rosalie and I held Bree. As soon as Carlisle opened the bag, they both tried going for it. They looked bestial again. Carlisle kept walking forward until Diego looked rabid.
Their hunt afterwards didn't look very different from their first one. The gruesome scene was no less disturbing the second time. I had to wonder how Jasper had stomached that amount of carnage year after year, decade after decade, especially with our perfect memories.
Carlisle was pleased with their progress. I wasn't sure if I could see progress, but I trusted Carlisle's assessment.
It was after Tuesday evening's hunt when Carlisle tried again. This time Bree was able to keep herself stiff. Diego struggled more with it, but Carlisle was able to get within ten feet of Bree. By Thursday they both remained stiff and Bree was able to hold a garment. Both hunts afterwards were more controlled. Diego's eyes had strong flecks of gold mixed in with the red. I could tell that he was proud of his eyes. Bree, of course, was too young.
By the end of the week, Diego and Bree had settled into our household. They were going almost eighteen hours between hunts, were playing games without destroying things, unless their emotions intensified, and were beginning to joke with Emmett. Even more exciting, Bree could be found in locations within the living room that were not the corner. Their progress was a group effort, but I couldn't help be proud of them and my family.
The second time I found Bree walking around the living room, I came near her giving a good five feet distance, as she was still startled easily. "I was wondering if you remember having anything you enjoy doing, music or art, reading, knitting, or anything else," I voiced gently.
She scrunched her face up in the adorable way she did when she was trying to go through her human memories.
The more games the kids had played the more she had done that. After a few different card games, she had declared that she had remembered something along with the game called Uno. Each time they played the game, it seemed to bring back her strongest memories, including playing with her younger sister. It was enjoyable to see her become more comfortable with her past as well as her present.
"No," she concluded.
"Want to try any?" I asked.
"Sure," she agreed with a shrug as if it didn't matter.
"Come with me," I encouraged her.
She looked worried.
It was disappointing that she didn't yet trust to be alone with me.
"Hey, Diego," I stated gaining his attention. "I was going to show Bree the craft and music rooms. Care to join us?"
He looked at Bree and said, "Sure," even though his tone suggested that he didn't really want to stop playing whatever racing video game he had going with Emmett.
"We'll be right back," I encouraged him.
He stood, and I took them up to the third floor first, showing them the room with instruments and other random belongings that we hadn't taken with us, since Edward had insisted that he hadn't wanted any of it. The instruments that belonged to the rest of us in the room weren't sentimental and so had been left behind.
They just stared and didn't move out of the doorframe.
Then, I took them to Alice's space that had fabric and designs, yarn and swatches. "This is Alice's space, but if you see anything you'd like to try she'd be happy to show you," I let Bree know.
She nodded but said nothing, looking slightly distraught.
Next, I took her to my office. There my paints and canvas and blueprints could be seen. Before the door was fully opened, Bree spirited over to my first rendering of Bella. She reached her hand out. Before I could say anything to stop her, at the last second, she stopped short of touching it.
"This is …" she whispered reverently.
Diego smiled clearly pleased at her reaction.
Stepping into the room, I told her quietly, "Thank you."
I managed to get about three feet from her before she tensed.
Looking over her shoulder at me, she asked, "Can you teach me?"
Smiling widely, pleased as punch, I told her enthusiastically, "Of course. Let me get two empty canvases and set up the easels."
As I went to do just that, Diego went back downstairs and Bree stayed. Internally I did a happy dance joyful at our progress.
Once everything was set up, I showed her where the paint was, how to mix the colours, the brushes, and all the technical aspects.
"This is what I did when I was your age to help with my control," I told her.
Her eyes got bigger going between the canvas and me.
"I'd recommend drawing something that you love or care about," I let her know. "I love trees, so I often drew them in my early years."
She nodded, looking like she was concentrating, her small tongue coming out between her lips and curling upward.
"I'm going to work on mine. Ask if you have any questions," I instructed.
"Okay," she agreed.
Then she started creating a background that looked like it was in an urban setting.
Saying nothing, I focused on my canvas, making occasional sideways glances to see how she was progressing. Some of her techniques could be improved, but for her first time she was doing a wonderful job. Perhaps she had drawn bits and pieces in her human years.
When she finished, over two day later, of course having to pause to hunt, she looked incredibly proud of herself. It was the first time that I had seen her genuinely smile and be pleased. Next, I showed her how to use charcoal.
Emmett had order a few hand held gaming consoles of some type where Bree could play the video games by herself. Between this and the art, she finally smiled more and begun to appear less afraid. The more that she was happy the more Diego relaxed as well.
Alice continued her daily chats with Bella and doing her homework that Bella told her about. At the first phone call on Monday night, Bella had sounded unusually tense, but had mellowed out as the week had gone on. I wondered if something had happened between her and Jake over the weekend. As long as she was safe and unhurt, everything else could wait.
Carlisle and I went to meet the wolves again on Friday night. During our run there, we held hands and spoke in a murmur to one another.
"You have been lost in thought much of the time when you are at home, Carlisle. What is going on?" I asked him.
After a look that conveyed that he had not been aware of his behaviour, he told me, "I have been thinking about Bella a lot, actually."
"Yeah?" I asked curious.
"Yes, I have been reflecting on the life she might have if someone other than our family were to sire her," he explained sounding a little down.
"Have you drawn any conclusion?" I wondered.
"That I care about her too much to allow her to experience what Bree and Diego have gone through already," he told me with conviction. "If it is true that some humans are meant for this life, and she is drawn to the supernatural, then I want to protect her from the realities of other vampires."
"Your friends would not treat her like Victoria," I pointed out.
"That's true," he conceded, "but I suspect there are far less Garretts and Marys in our world than there are Victorias."
After a moment's reflection I agreed, "That is probably true." There was a second pause between us before I asked, "What are you saying Carlisle?"
"That I am changing, that even though I've always known I was different, I am beginning to wonder if I've perhaps refused to fully accept the reality of many of our kind, despite Aro's stories, Maria being a prime example. I, perhaps ignorantly, believed that us vampires had outgrown such barbaric behaviour, like humans have, and my awakening to that not being the case is causing my heart to have grown to value having Bella become one of ours even more."
"Humans haven't outgrown being barbaric to each other," I corrected gently, "it is that there is more outrage than before when it was found out, where it used to be common place and expected."
"True," he agreed deep in thought.
"Would you think less of me if I admitted to missing Bella to the point that I feel antsy at times for Bree and Diego to master the diet already?" I probed him.
"No," he answered as if the question was ridiculous.
"Then know that I admire the ways you are changing, but more than anything, that you are the kind of man that changes. I think that it's one of your best qualities. Nevertheless, change is hard; especially, the more years we've held an old pattern. I really am proud of you and love you so much."
"What choice do I have?" he asked with a slight bitterness. "My reluctance to end another and pass judgement allowed Victoria to create these young ones."
"No," I correctly firmly, "your desire to see the best option and to live in peace was taken advantage of by her."
"I should have seen that she would have wanted revenge," he retorted.
"Because you're omniscient?" I countered.
He looked at me in shock that I would say such a thing, and then began to smile slightly. By the time he spoke he was frowning. "Certainly not, but perhaps I have wished the world to be better than it is."
"Perhaps," I agreed, "but that wishing has built our family and created a space for vampires to live at peace with humans. Who else can say that?" I challenged.
This time he smiled genuinely. "How do you manage to take my greatest missteps and change them into triumphs?"
"Because your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness," I told him playfully before I became more serious and added, "and so is mine."
"Perhaps it is for us all," he mused.
"Perhaps," I agreed.
As we came towards our meeting spot, I told him, "Learn from your mistakes, grow, change, keep on loving, and continue listening to your heart. We'll get there, together."
"Together," he agreed squeezing my hand in his.
At the end of the meeting, the result was that both sides admitted to having nothing new to discuss. Sam once again tried to pressure Carlisle into bringing Diego and Bree, and Carlisle, once again, seemingly effortlessly, dodged the request, although it was clear that it couldn't be put off indefinitely.
Sunday night the family determined that since Bree and Diego could go over twenty hours between feeds, Alice could go to school on Monday, although she was required to take the same precautions as Carlisle regarding her clothing and bringing human scents into the house. Monday after school, Alice reported that Bella was happy to have Alice back in school and had told Alice that her talk with Jake went "fine". The downside with Alice at school was that I didn't get to hear Bella's voice every day. So, on Tuesday, after school, I called Bella to say hi. Alice had informed me that she wouldn't be working.
"Afternoon, Bella," I greeted her when she picked up.
"Afternoon," she sounded absolutely giddy.
"What's your news, Bella? You sound ecstatic."
"I got into Central Washington University. I just their acceptance letter today," she practically squealed sounding more like Alice than she ever had.
"Congratulations," I offered to her. "You deserve it," I told her sincerely. "Have you decided?"
"Dad said no to Seattle," she told me in a gentle irritation. "I'm also considering Western Washington. I'm still waiting for Washington State University."
"Are you considering out of state schools at all?" I wondered.
"Alice forced me to apply to Dartmouth, but honestly, life is short, I want to be near my Dad while I can," she informed me.
Sounded like good sense to me. Once she was changed that wouldn't be a possibility. It was a mature choice.
"I can appreciate that," I told her trying to infuse my pride in her into my voice. "In fact, I consider that a wise thought."
"Thanks," she told me and by her tone she was blushing.
"Promise you'll tell me as soon as you decide," I requested. "You know that Alice wants to go where you go."
"Yes, Esme, I remember," she teasingly grumbled.
"Good girl. Well, congratulations again! I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks," she repeated, but this time she sounded more sincere.
"So, how'd the talk with Jake go?" I asked.
"Fine," she stated tersely.
"Want to talk about it?" I asked gently.
"Nothing to tell, really," she said, but something was bothering her by her tone.
She didn't seem to want to talk about it further, so I let it go.
"Go call your mother, so she can gush on you too," I teased her.
She groaned. "Yes, I suppose I should."
I smiled. "You're a good daughter, Bella."
"Yes, yes. Enjoy you're evening," she wished me.
"You too," I told her.
When I came downstairs Bree and Diego looked at me funny, but said nothing. Despite them settling in well and becoming almost fixtures of our living room, by the end of the week they were becoming restless. Thursday night they approached Carlisle.
"We're thinking about leaving," Diego explained.
"You are?" Carlisle asked gently clearly surprised.
"Yeah," he said not able to look Carlisle in the eye. "I'd like to go back to Seattle and find Riley. Bree wants to find Fred and tell him what we've learned. Then, we're going to go up to north Canada, stay away from people for a while, perhaps go visit the other golden-eyes you mentioned."
"Seattle sounds too risky," Carlisle warned.
"Yeah, well, we've been doing well with your challenges and, as long as no one bleeds, we should be alright. Riley's always treated me well and Fred helped Bree out, so, you know." He shrugged non-committedly, which didn't match his words.
"If you're caught disobeying the rules, you will condemn us. You can see why I might be hesitant," Carlisle explained gently.
Diego nodded slowly and then explained, "We appreciate all that you've done, and we'll keep to the rules. It's just staying in a house all the time, except to feed, isn't for us."
"I understand," Carlisle replied cordially, but it was clear to me that he was disappointed. "It isn't for most of our kind. How about you stay a week, perhaps even two longer? We'll do some work with blood a bit to help?"
"Alright," Diego agreed reluctantly, while clearly unwilling to go against Carlisle, "but after that we'll head out."
"Let's revisit this conversation at that point," Carlisle consented.
On Monday they practiced with blood. It was almost like the first test with scent. I didn't know how Carlisle had the patience. Thursday they tried again. It went better.
They both seemed more comfortable in our home, but there was also a restlessness within them.
Friday, just like the week before, Carlisle and I met with the wolves. It was brief with neither side having anything to say.
As we travelled home, Carlisle conveyed to me his struggles between wanting to respect Bree's and Diego's autonomy and believing that them returning to Seattle was not in their best interests.
"You cannot control their fate anymore than you could Edward's, Rosalie's, Emmett's, mine, or Bella's," I pointed out.
"I am aware," he replied tersely, then immediately apologised for talking to me in such a way. "I simply do not like the path before us, and I wish I could change it," he admitted.
"Except, you are not God, Carlisle. Faith, hope, and love, remember? You get choices within the options being presented to you. You can't force the world to be better."
"You are right my love," he agreed defeat and resignation in his tone.
His choices, mostly led by his compassion, had led us to this crossroads. Perhaps, like in my imagining, he stood at the crossroads and wished for a third option. Sometimes in life there are only two choices, neither of which are ideal, but those are the cards. How many times had Carlisle been at crossroads like this? Many at work, I'd imagine, but perhaps carrying that skill into his personal life was proving harder than he anticipated.
Sunday Carlisle tried with the blood again. There was more progress, enough that they could probably hold their breath and run in the opposite direction. Nevertheless, Carlisle worked again with them on Tuesday and then Thursday.
I didn't see much progress, but Carlisle seemed settled enough that when we came home he asked if they had reconsidered leaving.
"Tomorrow morning we'll leave," Diego said on behalf of both of them.
"I still think it would be better if you avoided Seattle, if you're set on heading out," Carlisle attempted to impress on them.
"We'll be good," Diego insisted.
There seemed to be little that would sway his mind.
Both Carlisle and I were disappointed for our own reasons to see them leave. Jasper was pensive, but unwilling to force them to stay. He had spoken in hush tones to Diego a few days earlier. Whatever had passed between them didn't seem to change Diego's mind. Rosalie seemed to have no reaction either way. Emmett seemed slightly put out at having them go, as he had enjoyed Diego being around. Alice looked concerned, although I couldn't say what about.
The evening they had decided to leave we spent together. Right before they were to head off, I got them their backpacks, which I had filled with cash and extra set of clothes and other belongings. It wasn't much, but it was something.
"Would you be willing to do us a favour?" Carlisle asked.
"Sure," Diego replied easily with only the slightest amount of suspicion.
"I would request you reconsider avoiding Seattle, but if I can't sway you and you do run into Riley, would you tell him that we want peace? We are willing to come to an amicable agreement on the condition that we are left alone and no more young ones are made."
"Sure," Diego answered sounding confused.
Carlisle handed Diego a piece of paper with Carlisle's number. "So Riley and I can set up a meet," he explained.
Diego nodded.
"Also, we got you both a phone, so that you can keep track of each other if needed," I added. "Of course you're welcome to call us if you're in trouble."
"Thank you, for everything," Diego told us.
"Yes, thank you," Bree reiterated.
"You're welcome. Stay out of trouble," I warned them in my motherly tone.
"Will do," they both agreed.
With nothing else said, they ran towards Seattle in the darkness of night, while us Cullens stood on the porch until they could no longer be seen. A few hours later the sun began to rise, but the house was still subdued. Carlisle and I had spent the time in each other's arms, no words passing between us.
In the morning, Carlisle left for work, Alice left for school with the promise to bring Bella over that evening, the remaining kids worked on some new crazy plan, and I went to paint human children living on the street.
Diego and Bree had become a part of our household, more than guests, but not yet Cullens. My heart hurt from having them leave, their voices no longer carrying through the house, or Bree's simple presence in my art room these last days, while I worked on my own things. They were young, too young to be in this life, and a part of me had wanted to never let them leave, but that wasn't love. Love allowed for choice, and they had chosen not to become Cullens. At the same time, I felt bad. While I missed them and hoped they were well, a part of me was relieved to have them gone. It was harsh and cruel of me, but their departure meant that I got to see Bella again, and I had missed her terribly. Our house did not feel the same without her, and Bree and Diego did not fill her place in our home. The fact that my happiness was a result of their absence filled me with a sense of being a horrible person. More times that I could count, I considered seeking out Jasper, but stopped myself as I didn't want to burden him and thought that I should talk to Carlisle first.