Hey guys, I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to post this chapter. Finals and Moving. Awful. Anywho I really hope you guys like this one. It took a while to get down. Please review! Thank you so much for your unwavering support. You guys truly are the best. Thank you again.
"Go ahead," I sighed, "tell me where everyone stands." Even as the words slipped out of my mouth I felt as if something important was about to happen. As soon as the words fell the air felt charged like the few moments before lightning strikes. I had been pressing too harshly on my eyes and colors began to swim and warp in behind my closed eyes. I let the pressure off and opened my eyes to let it pass. I could see through the small cracks in my fingers and I could see that Loki was watching me. He wasn't really looking where my eyes were, though, he seemed to be taking in more of my body language than my actual appearance. I found myself wondering how often he read body language. I had a rather good suspicion that it was more often than I did.
"You've managed to gain the favor of every single spy Odin has sent after you." Loki said smirking. I let my hands fall from my face.
"What the hell do you mean?" Spies? Odin sent spies after me….and I gained their favor? Loki paused for a moment.
"You didn't know." He deadpanned. He simply stared at me for a few more seconds before a dark sort of laughter started to bubble out of him. "You didn't even suspect and you still gained their trust?"
"Odin was spying on me?" My stomach twisted. I should have known. "I should have known," I repeated out loud. "Who was it?"
Loki, true to his character, did not shy away from telling me. "Huginn was the first that Odin sent after you. You won his loyalty in a matter of days, I'm told." Impossible green eyes were locked on my face. "And then your maids." There was no stopping the reaction this time. My stomach clenched and I knew that I must have gone pale.
"Runa and Bera?" Spies? They had been so nice to me. I knew that it was their job to help me get dressed and other things of that sort, but deep down I felt as if they were my friends. After a few days with them I felt comfortable. I told them about my world. I had trusted them without hesitation.
"Yes, but they began to lie on your behalf to Odin. I'm not sure when this started happening, but they've been covering up anything unusual in your behavior for a while now." There was slight movement and I turned to see Loki sitting up and looking towards the balcony. "You have this strange talent of inspiring loyalty in all who meet you."
"I don't see why." I replied instantly. Loki glanced towards me but said nothing to contradict my statement. I took a deep breath to steady myself. The world felt off-kilter to me as if the information was somehow heavy enough to shift reality around me. I had trusted Runa and Bera. I had trusted Huginn.
"Odin tolerates you, but only because of Thor and Moth-" Loki cut himself off suddenly a darkness crossing his features. "Thor and Frigga." He amended in a calm voice. I knew better than that and so did he.
"Frigga is still your mother." I corrected him a sigh lacing my words. I didn't have to see him to know he was beyond furious at my comment. I normally wouldn't speak to him about his family or anything about Earth. The only other time I had even brought them up he had refused to speak to me for a week, and when he finally found it within himself to speak to me it was in the form of biting remarks that stung hours after he said them.
"She is not my mother, just as Odin is not my father." Pain crackled through his words. "My father," Loki spat the word as if it were acid, "was Laufey."
I knew that this was a touchy subject with Loki, and I knew that I should drop it here. He would be angry but this was the tipping point. I could keep quiet and keep some sort of peace between us or I could say something more and shatter it. He could feel it too. He had to by the way he was letting the fragile silence stretch between us. I knew he had a rant on the tip of his tongue, but these few silent moments were his invitation for me to speak. I was so tired. I was so betrayed.
"That is bullshit." The words ground themselves out before I could analyze the situation further. "You know that Frigga is your mother!" All of the sweet moments I had glimpsed while practicing magic flashed through my mind. She was always so sweet to Loki, and he seemed a changed person when he was near her. She brought out the best of him. And he was rejecting her along with Odin and Thor. "Just because someone didn't give birth to you doesn't mean that they aren't your parents! She took care of you. She loves you. After everything you've done," the weight behind my words seemed to shimmer in the air, "every mistake you've made. Every bridge you've not only burned but destroyed almost completely. You tried to kill Thor. You tried to take the Earth. You lied and slaughtered innocents. All of this, and she forgives you. More than that, Loki, she loves you!"
"Odin-" Loki began to growl his voice white hot with anger. I wasn't finished.
"I don't give a fuck about Odin!" I snarled dropping off of the bed and hitting the floor with a solid thump. "You're right that Odin hasn't been much of a father to you. I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about your mother, Loki. Are you saying that she wasn't there for you? You take for granted the love she constantly gives you." I had moved forwards, and by this point so had Loki. "Does love mean nothing to you?!"
"Is that what this is about?" Loki suddenly smiled a cruel light entering his eyes. "Love?" He stepped forwards bringing himself closer than I wanted in my anger. "You worry about my ability to love? I can promise you that love is a notion for fools. I will never love you." His words were whispered as sweet nothings were pouring out of his mouth instead of venom. "That is where we stand." He added when I did not respond.
For some strange and stupid reason, my heart shattered. Instead of crumpling I found my anger draining from my features and a slightly amused expression take its place. I felt disconnected to my body as if some phantom version of myself had taken control. The phantom laughed softly with my voice. "What would make you think I would want someone like you to love me? You flatter yourself." A sly smile when the phantom registered the shock on Loki's face. He had expected me to crumple. I was crumpled. Destroyed. "I only wanted you to cherish those who do. It's a rather short list." I heard myself say.
"It is longer than yours." Loki shot back his voice was like silk and cut deeper than any blade.
The phantom lost almost all control of my face. Instead of smirking and sending another insult Loki's way my face and body grew still. "You're right," my voice confirmed. My body moved before I was aware of it. I wanted Loki to reach out and stop me from leaving. I wanted someone to care, but I wasn't going to beg for it or sit quietly anymore. I wanted to be able to voice my opinion and still be cared for. It was almost too easy to leave the room. The phantom drove my body forwards even if I lost count of where I was. Eventually I ended up outside of the palace and then I was in the garden. Whatever phantom that had kept me from breaking down left me then.
I still didn't cry. I was beyond crying. I was beyond feeling. I simply stared at what was in front of me. I knew this tree. With a slightly trembling hand I pressed it to the large charred spot, and instantly felt some sort of gratitude wash through me. For a moment I was angry at myself. What did I have to be grateful about? My body was broken in ways I could never fix. I wasn't even fully human anymore. I had no one who truly cared about me. Those who did were either dead or thought I was dead. Loki had made it obviously clear that Runa, Bera, Huginn and Muninn were only around me to spy. A small part of me objected pleading that Loki had said that they were no longer spying on me. That had to be important. Loki had made it clear that he didn't care about me. Again the little voice objected that he had kissed me. I knew that lust and love were two very different feelings, and being forced into contact with someone for such a long time could have stirred his lust. Lust wasn't love….it wasn't care. High School had taught me that.
Darkness was so around me in that moment. And then my mind brought up a quote from my old life. I had tried to stop thinking about my old life. Everything from that life I had tried to block out of my mind, but this quote had me smiling and crying at the same time. I gather my magic and whispered the phrase to myself.
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times," I pushed with my magic, "if one only remembers to turn on the light." Veins of light shot into the tree and stretched upwards. More tears began to fall when the leaves one by one began shedding soft green light. The tree was all silvers and soft greens. I poured my longing and loss into my magic. The world of loss. The silver light spread into the ground and rippled outwards as if I had dropped a coin into a still lake. One by one the trees around me lit up. I poured everything into my magic. I hardly noticed that I had sank to my knees. I was one with my magic and we were turning the light on.
Further and further I let myself wash out until my consciousness felt thin. I was hardly aware of myself, but I was aware of everything. Every vein in every leaf on every tree. I was a shining and shimmering light. I was life. I was every blade of grass and every shrub. I could feel my body kneeling at the root of the ancient tree. I could feel the presence that was reaching out to my body. The hand that was touching my shoulder.
With a snap I was back in my body gasping and feeling a wave of dizziness almost knock me down. In fact the only thing that kept me up was the hand that quickly grabbed me and steadied me. I could see the grass and roots in front of me and I guessed that a palace guard had seen the lights and went to investigate. I felt strange and jumbled, but somehow lighter. My face was still wet with tears and I turned to assure the guard that I was fine, but it wasn't a guard.
Loki watched me for a moment taking in my tearstained face and then he looked beyond me. I blinked and followed his gaze, and felt more tears slide down my face. The trees were still glowing, but it was more than that. The grass was softly glowing. Everything was…even the stone paths. It looked like some strange scene straight out of Avatar. I had thought they would stop glowing once I cut the flow of magic. My hand had slipped off of the charred spot of the tree in front of me. It pulsed with a pure silver light the burnt mark now seeming more like some strange rune mark than anything else. Movement in the corner of my eye showed me that Loki had simply sat beside me. I was tired, physically this time.
"I lied." His voice was as soft as the light that glowed around us. "They always said I had a silver tongue, but…" Loki's voice faded out as if what he was saying was difficult for him. "You were right. She is my mother." I wanted nothing more than to cry.
"Good." Was my only answer.
"That wasn't the lie." I turned towards him just as his hand lightly traced across my cheek. I wanted him to say that he was in love with me. Heaven knows that I was in love with him. Could it have been only earlier tonight that we had been dancing together? It felt like a lifetime away. A storm was on the horizon, and I felt that it was going to take us all out. I wanted Loki to love me. He lightly guided me to him eyes darkening with some sort of emotion. I tilted my head down and to the side effectively breaking away from what was most likely going to be a searing head spinning kiss. Sometimes I really hated emotions.
Lust wasn't love. Lust wasn't enough for me.
"We should head back." I said pushing myself up. I stumbled into the tree my body trying to give out on me. Loki stood quickly a blank façade already in place. My heart ached and I wanted nothing more than to cry. He held out his arm and we walked out of the glowing garden and back to the room. Loki helped me into bed and I silently cried until my exhausted body gave out.
Right before I fell asleep there was the softest press of lips to my forehead. "I'll show you, love. I'll prove myself." I tried to wake up but there was a spark of magic, and then nothing.