There is no apology in the world that can make up for me not updating. Not a single one. But I'm really, really, very sorry. I got obsessed with Chaotic and I kind of forgot about SASTSS. And after all the crap I gave you guys about not leaving me any reviews I go and not update in—what, forever? Either way I've been kind of a jerk so I'll try and make this chapter count.
Thanks guys. You sticking around to read this means a lot. Hugs and luck!

Twenty-One: …The Beating Hearts of Many


"Hope fades into the world of night, through shadows falling out of memory and time. Don't say we have come now to end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again." – 'Into the West' from 'Lord of the Rings: Return of the King'

He was tired…so tired…and he felt so heavy…

The little, red-haired boy curled in the corner of an empty tent, hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes were sparkling with tears and there were smears of dirt over his exposed arms.

"It's not fair…"

He felt like every inch of his body was loaded down with concrete…

"Why do I have to practice so hard?" He sniffled, wiping his nose with back of his hand, "It's not my fault I'm psychic…"

And he was so tired…

"Rixintine…" The little boy tilted his head so he was looking over at the empty space beside him, "Dad doesn't…hate me, does he?"

He just wanted to sleep…he just wanted to sleep…

"Yeah…I know…but…" He swallowed thickly, "I don't get why he makes me practice harder than Ozzy…"

Something beeped…very far away…so far away…he was so…tired…

He hiccupped and rubbed his eyes furiously, "You know what, Rix, even if Dad doesn't like me 'cause I'm psychic, I'm gonna grow up and be a Psychonaut."

Another beep…how irritating…he was trying to sleep…

"Rixintine…you'll help me, won't you?"

Beep……beep……beep……

"I knew you would!"

A wave of numbness swept over him…he wished it would all stop and go away…leave him alone…he wanted to…he wanted to…he just wanted to…

"You're my best friend, Rixintine!"

The first thing was that insistent beeping.

Then it was the dull, throbbing pain.

Then it was the sterile scent of disinfectant.

And then…

Raz knew he was awake but he didn't want to open his eyes. He also knew that the space in his mind where Rix's frozen ice castle once lingered wasn't there anymore. There was just a big, empty spot.

Then again, his entire mentality felt like that. He couldn't touch his psychic powers.

He breathed in and out slowly for a while, swallowed, and coughed. His throat felt like sandpaper.

He opened his eyes.

But he couldn't.

Panic washed over him. He brought his hands up and felt the thick gauze and bandages wound around his forehead, eyes, taped down over the left side of his cheek and his neck. His heart raced.

What happened to me!?

The beeping noise grew faster.

Milla was in a near state of shock.

Sasha had nearly been gutted, Razputin had nearly lost an eye, and Lili had beaten herself up about the whole thing, refusing to go with Milla to the tiny hospital in the nearby town and preferring to remain at camp with Ford and Oleander.

"Someone has to watch the kids…" She'd whispered hoarsely.

It'd been three days since Sasha and Raz had been carted into the hospital. And Milla had never left; she'd stayed at the facility the whole time. All. Three. Days.

At the moment, she was sitting in the waiting room again. Neither Sasha or Raz was allowed visitors until their conditions had stabilized. Milla had managed to keep the hospital staff from contacting Psychonaut Headquarters with the info that two of their agents were in critical condition.

It would have meant the end of the line for Raz and Milla just didn't have the heart to crush his dream like that.

"Miss. Vodello," A nurse had approached her and the Brazilian woman glanced up from the magazine she'd been staring at, "Sasha Nein's condition has stabilized and—."

"I want to see him, please." Milla was on her feet in an instant, "Please, he's my…partner."

The nurse paused for a moment or two, blinking, unsure of what he was supposed to do, and then nodded and led her through a set of double doors and down a white hall to a private recovery room.

Milla couldn't stop the tears.

Seeing Sasha; resolute, no nonsense, hard-core Sasha; unconscious on a hospital bed was too much. His left leg was wrapped in a heavy cast and propped off the bed and even the sheets pulled up to his chest couldn't hide the already crimson stained bandages. But it was the slow beeping of the heart monitor and the ragged sounding breath coming from the mask on the man's face that really got to her.

"Miss. Vodello…" The nurse said hesitantly, "Um…if it's any consolation…Razputin is awake…would you…like to see him?"

Milla rubbed the tears from her face and, not trusting herself to speak, nodded once. The nurse patted her shoulder in a kindly manner and led her a little farther down the hall. But before she could enter the room, the nurse stopped her.

"Listen, I don't know much about what you psychics do but the kid's been traumatized and badly." There was a dark seriousness in his voice, "He's got no damage to his eyesight but he's going to have scaring for the rest of his life and after all the clean up we had to do, he's going to have to keep those bandages on for a while. After we take them off, make sure he doesn't pick at the stitches or anything like that." He gave her a small smile, "But he'll be okay, I promise."

He pushed the door open.

"Oh, Razputin, darling!" Milla couldn't help herself. She threw herself across the room and wrapped the boy up in a huge hug.

"M-Milla!?" Raz gasped, "Milla…I c-can't…breath!"

"Sorry!" Milla dropped away quickly and gave the boy a once over. He was pale and shaky, an IV swinging from his arm. And he looked scared. So scared. Just like the little fifteen year old boy he was.

"Milla…what happened…" Raz's voice was hoarse, his redish hair ruffled and sticking out every which way, "I remember trying to fight Rixintine and then there was…nothing…just cold…and ice…" He shivered.

"Darling, I don't think you should—."

"Tell me!" Raz demanded, voice wavering, "What'd he do!? I know he did something!" He froze suddenly, "Lili…he didn't…not Lili…"

"No, sweetie, Lili's fine! It was Sasha; he—!"

"Sasha!?" Raz moaned and swore loudly, "That…that…I'll kill him! I'll kill him if it's the last thing I ever do! I swear it!"

"Darling, please!" Milla grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to sit back down on the bed from which he'd been struggling to get up from, "You're in no condition to do anything and neither is Sasha! You can't even see right now!"

"S-Sasha…" Raz moaned, sounding like he was going to cry, "I got a-all of you involved and I…I…Sasha could…h-he…"

"Enough, Razputin!" Milla snapped, voice shaking as tears fought their way forward, "Pull yourself together, darling! You're Psychonaut! We can't fall apart like this! Not when we…when we h-have people counting on u-us to…t-to…!" Milla couldn't hold it in anymore. She let her hands slide off Raz's shoulders and buried her face in her arms, sobbing.

Raz felt terrible. He'd lost to Rix, put himself and Sasha in the hospital, and managed to make Milla cry.

"I'm such a jerk…" He muttered, putting a tentative hand on what he thought was Milla's shoulder but turned out to be the middle of her back, "I'm…sorry Milla, I didn't mean to make you cry."

It'd been three weeks since Raz had woken up and two since Sasha had come into consciousness. Both remained relatively immobile though the bandages had been removed from Raz's face. The first time he'd seen his reflection in the mirror he'd let out a loud yelp of surprise and tripped backwards into a chair. The four cuts running down the left side of his face had been sewn together and there was still a gauze patch over his left eye.

"I look like something from a Frankenstein movie!" He'd laughed after picking himself up from the chair.

Sasha was grumpy. He was not aloud anything but water and oatmeal and, if he was lucky, applesauce. And he wasn't allowed any cigarettes or coffee. All he was really allowed to do was watch the television and even then if he got to "into it" they'd shut it off and make him sit there on his bed with nothing to do for the rest of the day. Agent Nein was not a happy camper.

Milla couldn't stay at the hospital very long; she dropped by once every night to check on both boys but she did have to return to camp in order to help the Coach and Ford with the squirming little PSI-Cadets who were frantically wondering where two of their favorites teachers had gone. The story was they had had to report to HQ for some "top secret information."

Lili checked in on Raz only once and he hadn't even been awake for it. He'd been sleeping off his antibiotics (which made him drowsy anyway) and was too deep in darkness to notice anything. Lili pushed the door open, gave a small, sad smile, crept across the room, and set a tiny, white plastic bowl full of fool's gold on the bedside stand. Raz liked pyrite; he said it reminded him of himself.

When he'd woken up and seen the sparkling gold colored rocks sitting next to him he thought his heart was going to break again. Lili was the only one besides his family who knew how much he hated getting flowers when he was sick. Flowers in a hospital, especially, made him think of the word "deathbed."

A few days after that, Raz, guilt ridden and bored, left his hospital room (with permission, of course) and dragged his IV stand all the way down the hall to Sasha's room. But when he pushed the door open, it looked like the man was asleep so he started to back out.

"Raz…putin…" Sasha's weak voice made the boy's stomach churn with shame but he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, chewing on his lip as he sat down in the chair beside the bed.

"Hey…Sasha…how're doing?"

"I've…been better." The German didn't open his eyes, "You sound…terrible…"

"Me?" Raz blinked his one visible eye, "What about you? Milla told me what happened and I…" The boy shrank in his seat, "I'm really…really sorry…"

"Macht nichts, Razputin…" The man replied.

"Huh?"

The corner's of Sasha's lips twitched, "It doesn't matter…"

"D-doesn't matter!?" Raz's guilt and trauma welled up inside of him, "Rixintine nearly killed you! Of course it matters! If I hadn't been so stupid maybe none of this would have happened!"

"Control!" Sasha snapped and then let out a hacking cough that took him a while to get over, "Didn't I…tell you to…stop blaming yourself…?"

"Yeah…" Raz mumbled sheepishly, drawing his legs under his chair.

"What are you…going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you going…to do about…Rixintine?"

Raz sagged against the back of his chair, his right eye blurring with tears that he refused to cry, "I can't…reach my psychic powers…"

Sasha didn't say anything and Razputin wondered for a moment if he'd pushed the man too far and Agent Nein had fallen unconscious. A sliver of dull storm cloud blue-gray shimmered in Raz's direction and the boy suddenly felt very small.

"Alles wird in ordrung." Sasha said slowly, "Everything…will be alright." The man sighed and closed his eyes again, "I'm going back to sleep…Razputin…talk to Ford…if you…can…"

Even after Sasha fell asleep, Raz didn't have the heart to get up and move. He felt drained, empty, and guilt-ridden. He hated how everyone was treating this whole situation as through it weren't his fault. It was his fault; he should have known better than to think that he would have been able to get rid of Rix so easily. Now he'd lost everything. He might as well turn in his badge now.

Raz wondered why his vision was blurry and raised a hand to rub his eyes. He found tears running down his cheeks. He was just falling apart at the seams. Maybe he should just…go home. Go back to the circus and try to live like any normal human.

Forget psychic powers.

Forget being a Psychonaut.

Forget Sasha, Milla, and the others.

Forget the autographs.

Forget the missions.

Forget…Lili.

Raz drew his knees up to his chin on the chair, wrapping his arms around them as the healing scars stung and his bandaged eye burned. He didn't hold it back anymore. He simply cried. So many people were getting hurt because of him.

It would be better without him around.

"Why can't you just accept it? No one likes you anymore; you're the Poster Boy who's faded off the front cover, you're annoying, intrusive, and it's always…about…you! You lied to your Dad, you lied to Ozzy, you lied to Sasha and Milla, you lied to Ford, you lied to Oleander, you lied to me…and you lied to Lili. No one wants you around anymore, Razputin. You're just a conceited liar!"

For him to disappear…that's what Rixintine had wanted. Raz wiped the tears from his face and eyes, frowning.

"I'm not giving up," He growled angrily and stood, "I'm not giving up. I'll get my powers back and then," His eyes narrowed, "And then I'll come to destroy you, Rixintine."

He stomped theatrically towards the door. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten about his IV and it yanked his arm as it crashed to the floor a few feet behind him. The crash brought a couple of nurses who proceeded to scold him and drag him out of the room and back to his own, him shouting at them all the while.

Sasha smiled to himself and cracked an eye open to look at the closed door. He knew Razputin would never have given up so easily.

Like I said, no apology in the world to make up for what I've done. Or not done. In any case, I finally got to play Psychonauts again last night and I was all: "I heart this game!!!!" So, yeah. And then I got to the Meat Circus and remembered which level I hated the most XP. It's so disgusting.

So thank you people so much for not bothering me about chapters and for sticking around to read this. I know I haven't updated in, like, a year but stuff happened and…yeah. That's not a real excuse for what I did. So let me say it again in case you didn't get it :

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING! I HUG YOU ALL!

There. I hope you got that.

Please continue to stick around and read. Don't forget to review! Thank you! Byes!