Chapter 21

Nathan sat on the bleachers at the River Court. His basketball was in his hands, but he didn't feel the urge to play. He hadn't felt much of anything lately. He supposed it was a blessing that he'd become numb at this point. It beat the aching pain that had been in his heart.

The day he signed the divorce papers for Haley, that's when it all changed. It was difficult accepting that their marriage was really over. The hope that he could fix his mistake and get Haley back was what motivated him to get up each morning. But now that hope was gone, and Nathan no longer knew what he had to look forward to.

He'd tried everything that he could to get Haley back and had failed. She still chose Andy over him. It was the worst feeling he'd ever experienced. It felt like she'd reached into his chest, pulled out his heart, and stomped on it. It had felt like that for the first few days.

Nathan went to work and did his normal routines but could never quite forget the anguish bubbling under the surface. It hurt so much sometimes that he felt like he couldn't breathe. His family and friends were worried about him. It was obvious in the way they looked at him. They would even call or show up randomly at his house to check on him.

It was when Nathan saw the concerned and pitying looks in their eyes that the pain shifted to anger. He didn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. Sympathy wouldn't erase what had been done. It wouldn't make him feel better. It wouldn't bring Haley back.

Nathan found himself angry at her, too. It had never been like that before. He'd always blamed himself for why she'd walked out and never came home. But this time…this time it's what she had wanted. She wanted to throw everything they had away from some millionaire who didn't even know her favorite flower.

Just the thought of her with Andy had Nathan seething. All these years he'd waited for Haley. He'd been the loyal husband. He'd believed in them and their love. He'd turned down every woman who looked his way. He'd defended her against his family and friends. And all for what?

Nathan started to wonder if he was the person who'd been lost all this time. Maybe he really was naïve for thinking that she'd come back. That she'd still love him. That they'd just pick up where they left off and be the happy and in-love couple they once were.

Like Haley had said, love wasn't enough anymore. It didn't make one damn difference. Nathan shook his head. It was all a crock of shit.

So he became angry. And when the anger consumed him and became too much to bear, the numbness took over. It was only then that he got somewhat of a reprieve from this nightmare.

Once in a while something would set him off. He'd see someone who looked like Haley or something that reminded him of how they used to be. Whatever the trigger, it would bring the pain and anger to the surface and hit him like a ton bricks without warning.

The worst reminder had been a couple of days ago. He hadn't seen a Haley look-alike or a young couple in love. Nathan had run into Haley herself. She'd been with some people he didn't recognize, and he didn't care. All he'd been able to focus on was her—as much as he hated it.

And in that moment, he had hated her. She'd been laughing and smiling like she didn't have a care in the world. For a brief moment, their eyes had locked. Nathan could've sworn that he saw the same longing and pain reflected in her own gaze. He dismissed the thought quickly, though. The truth was that she was happy, and he was suffering.

So he'd been cold and distant when she'd tried to make small talk. He had to admit that he felt some satisfaction in making her squirm. After everything she put him through, a little discomfort wouldn't kill her.

It was pointless, however. He was still the one who walked away feeling like his heart was broken. And she was free to continue living her new and improved life.

Nathan was thankful that Peyton had been with him. He was glad that he hadn't had to face Haley alone. Peyton had been there the most for him these past couple of weeks. She didn't say anything about Haley or the divorce. Like a good friend, Peyton was just around in case he needed her.

If she was worried about him, she didn't show it. Peyton acted like everything was normal when they hung out. She helped him forget.

"So, are you going to play or just sit there staring into the abyss?"

Nathan cracked a smile. Speak of the devil, he mused.

"I haven't decided yet." Peyton approached with Jenny tagging along. "Hi, Jenny."

"Hi, Uncle Nathan."

Peyton pointed to the playground that wasn't that far from the court. "Jenny, why don't you go play for awhile. I'll come get you when it's time to go."

"Okay."

"Be careful," Peyton shouted after her.

"The park has a better playground."

"I know. But I had a feeling you might be here today."

"You were right, then."

"Will you be mad if I ask how you're holding up?"

"My wife—I mean ex-wife—is getting married today. How do you think?" he muttered dryly.

"I guess that was a stupid question," she acknowledged. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Unless you can turn back time, I'm afraid not," he replied.

"I'm sorry that the others went to the wedding. I told Jake he shouldn't go."

"That's funny; I told them they should."

Peyton's eyebrows rose. "You did?" He nodded. "Why?"

"Because I know that they miss Haley—Lucas especially—and were worried about taking sides. So I made it easy and told them to go." Nathan didn't want to dictate his friends' lives or make them feel guilty. The truth of the matter was that they'd gotten close to Haley again. If they wanted to go to the wedding, then they could go. Nathan wasn't going to make them choose sides. He knew that they all still cared about him.

"I would've never done that."

Nathan chuckled. "I know."

Peyton laughed along with him. "When did I become such a bitch?"

"I don't know, but sometimes it comes in handy."

"You're a really good guy, Nathan," she said after a moment of silence and patted his arm. "You know that?"

"Didn't get me very far, did it?"

"You'll find happiness again someday, Nathan. I know you will. It just takes time," she encouraged.

"Maybe so, but today isn't that day."

"Did you want to come over tonight for dinner? It'll probably just be Jenny and me."

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass. I kind of just need to be alone."

"Okay. But if you change your mind, just come over," she told him. "The offer still stands."

Nathan gave her a small smile before standing up. "I'm going to head out." He walked toward the path beside the river.

"You're not taking your truck?" she called after him.

"No. I'm going to walk."

"Don't stay out too long." Her eyes were on the overcast sky. "It looks like a storm might be coming in."

Good, Nathan thought. It matched his mood.

"He did. You didn't." Julian's words were ringing in Haley's ears. She hadn't signed the divorce papers? She didn't understand. How was that even possible?

"Are you sure?" she whispered back.

He showed her the empty space where the wife's signature should be. Haley's eyes widened as panic and anxiety filled her. "I sent these to you last week. Why are you just telling me this now?" she hissed.

"There must've been some kind of delay, because I didn't get them until yesterday afternoon," Julian explained. "And then I tried calling, but I couldn't get a hold of you."

"Oh God," she breathed. "So I'm still married?" This was a disaster.

"Only if you want to be," Julian responded.

"For God's sake, Haley," Andy cut in, "I thought you took care of this." He must've heard the whole thing.

"It's an honest mistake, Andy," Haley replied. She faced the crowd and shouted, "Does anyone have a pen?"

Andy and the rest of the guests searched their pockets, but it was Brooke who came forward.

"Here," she said, holding the pen out to her. But it was Brooke's next words that struck her. "These things don't just happen, you know."

Haley looked back at the papers in Julian's hand. She was feeling sick again. She shot a glance to her parents.

"You can't ride two horses one ass, Pumpkin," Jimmy said.

Haley's hand was shaking as she looked at Andy and brought the pen to the line. Haley stared at the papers and hesitated, pulling back. She then put the pen back down and paused again. She pulled the pen away a second time, only to return it to the paper. Back and forth she moved, neither writing nor fully pulling away.

Why couldn't she just sign the damn thing? Nathan had.

At the thought of Nathan, her heart clenched. This would be it. If she signed these papers, their marriage would really be over.

Haley glanced at her family and friends. Her siblings, Chris, Solaris, and Millie were looking at her, confused at the hold up. It was her parents, along with Brooke, Karen, Lucas, and the others, that knew the true source of her indecision.

Haley looked at her old friends. Really looked at them. These were the people she had grown up with. These were the people who were always there when she needed them. Who were still here for her now, seven years later. They knew the real Haley. They knew what—or who—was in her heart.

And now she did, too.

Haley couldn't sign the papers. Not when every single part of her body and mind was screaming out against it. Haley let her hand fall to her side and looked up at Andy. He was trying to keep a straight face, but Haley saw the hurt in his eyes. He knew what she was about to tell him.

"Andy, you don't want to marry me."

He cleared his throat. "I don't?"

Haley heard the murmurings in the church grow louder as the guests realized what was happening. Quickly, Haley took Andy's hand and dragged him off to one of the side areas, out of everyone's view.

"No. You don't. Not really," she said, tears springing to her eyes.

"Haley—"

"The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago. My whole heart. And I never really got it back. There's nothing else to say but that I'm sorry. I can't marry you, Andy. And you shouldn't want to marry me."

Andy looked down at the ground for what felt like minutes as Haley silently cried. She had never wanted it to come to this. She'd never wanted to hurt him. But like usual, the realization of what she truly wanted came too late. Someone always got hurt.

"So this is what it feels like," Andy mumbled. He sounded just as shocked as he was sad. Haley would've preferred it if he yelled. Most guys would've. But Andy wasn't most guys, which made having to say goodbye to him so much harder.

"I want you to know that I love you. I do. It's just that—"

"It's not like with him."

Haley shook her head solemnly. "No." He was quiet again. "Please say something."

"I knew," he finally muttered. "I knew there was a part of you that you were always keeping from me. I just…didn't like to dwell on it. I didn't want to let you go."

Haley pulled him into a hug, and he held her tightly. "I want you to be happy, Andy," she whispered in his ear. "You're a good man, and I know that there is someone better out there for you."

"I want you to be happy, too," Andy said. He pulled back. "So go."

She looked directly into his eyes and squeezed his hand. "Thank you," she replied, trying to convey all of the love, respect, and gratitude that she had for him.

He nodded and smiled. "Go."

"Haley, it's really bad out. Are you sure Nathan is even there?"

"I'm sure," Haley answered. After talking to Andy and calling off the wedding, Haley had asked Brooke if she could give her a ride. She couldn't drive in her wedding dress and didn't really want to take the time to change. Haley had to find Nathan now.

Brooke, her parents, and the rest of the gang couldn't even hide their smiles when they found out what she was planning to do.

"It's raining out."

Haley grinned. "I know."

They'd gone to Nathan's house first. When they realized he wasn't there, they tried the River Court. Brooke thought he might be at Tric tonight, but Haley had a different idea. As they pulled up to the Market Street Dock, she saw that she was right. Nathan was standing by the railing, overlooking the water.

All of a sudden, the butterflies in Haley's stomach grew. She'd been so focused on finding Nathan that she hadn't really planned what she'd say to him.

"You'll do great, Tutor Girl," Brooke encouraged, as if reading her mind. "Just tell him how you feel. You can't go wrong with that."

She bit her lip nervously. "Okay."

"Good luck."

Haley reached over and hugged her. "Thanks, Brooke." She got out of the car and made her way over to him. His back was turned to her.

Haley ran a hand through her hair. She'd taken her veil off and let her hair down. Fixing it was pointless. It was pouring so hard that her hair was soaked through and sticking to her.

Haley took a moment to inhale a few calming breaths. Her heart felt like it would beat right out of her chest. She couldn't remember the last time she was both nervous and excited. Just being near Nathan had her whole body on alert.

When Haley finally mustered up the courage, she called his name. She saw Nathan pause and tense for a moment before finally turning around. The shock at seeing her was written all over his face as his eyes took her in.

"Nice dress. Where's your husband?" Nathan asked as the shock passed. His expression was suddenly unreadable.

"I'm looking at him." When he didn't understand, she continued, "Apparently you and I are still hitched."

"How?"

"I didn't sign the papers, Nathan. I couldn't."

"So what do you want?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Haley moved closer to him. "I want to come home and be your wife again, Nathan."

Nathan shook his head, unsmiling. "What is it with you, Haley? You can't make the right decision until you've made all the wrong ones."

"At least I'm here fighting for what I want."

"What do you want? I don't think even you know," he retorted.

Haley could see that Nathan was having a hard time believing her, and she didn't blame him. She expected this reaction. All she'd been doing was pushing him away. "Nathan, I know that I've made a lot of mistakes. And I'm sorry for what I put you through. I was just so lost and confused…I couldn't see what was right in front of me."

"Haley—"

"No, please just listen to me," Haley pleaded. She had so much she wanted to say to him. So much she had to get off of her chest. He needed to know everything that she'd been feeling. "You were right. You were right all along. I do still love you. I always have, and I always will. We belong together, Nathan. I felt it the first time I saw you when I came back to Tree Hill just like I felt it that night we made love. You're the one for me, Nathan Scott."

"Haley, you can't tell me this. Not after seven years of being gone. Not after begging me to give you a divorce so you could marry that guy that you were just so in love with. I mean, for Christ sakes you're in a wedding dress right now, Haley!" Nathan shouted. "You were going to go through with it."

"But I didn't! I couldn't do it, Nathan. I know you think that I was fine after you signed those papers, but I wasn't. I've been a mess these past two weeks," she told him. "I threw myself into planning the wedding because if I stopped and let myself really think about what was going on inside of me, all I could feel was this big, gaping hole in my chest. It felt like I'd lost a part of myself."

Nathan held her gaze for a little longer before looking away. She was losing him. Haley could feel it.

"I had a dream a few weeks ago. It was before I came back to Tree Hill. We were sixteen years old and standing right here on this dock. Do you remember that day? A huge storm was coming in, and I wanted to leave. I was afraid we'd get hit by lightening or something," Haley recounted, smiling at the memory. "But you made me stay. You made me stay out in the rain and held me the whole time, and suddenly I wasn't scared anymore.

"You told me there was beauty in chaos. Then you kissed me, and I swear I felt that kiss all the way down to my toes. You still make me feel that way," she revealed. "You told me you loved me and then said something that I'll never forget. You said, 'always and forever.'"

Haley moved so that she was standing directly in front of him. "Nathan, we're in total chaos now. We've both been hurt and confused and scared, and it sucks. But without any of that, I don't think we would've made it to this point. We wouldn't have our second chance. That's the beauty that came out of this mess."

"Haley—"

"I feel the same hope that I did at sixteen, Nathan." Haley placed her hands on his chest and stared directly into his eyes. "I want always and forever." She stood on her tiptoes so her mouth was mere inches from his. "You were the first boy I ever kissed, Nathan," Haley whispered. "I want you to be the last."

Before Nathan could say anything, her mouth covered his. The kiss started off gentle but instantly became heated. Haley's hands clung to his wet shirt as she pulled him closer, while Nathan's own hands came up to cup her face.

Haley didn't know how long they'd been kissing, but it felt like it ended too quickly. They were both breathing heavy.

"Haley," Nathan said. Haley wiped the rain drops out of her eyes so that she could see him more clearly. "You know that I love you."

She stroked is cheek. "I love you, too."

Nathan removed her hand from his face and took a step back. "But like you said, love isn't enough anymore."

Haley went rigid at his words. "What?"

"So if you left Andy, then you made another mistake."

"I don't understand."

"I'm not that sixteen-year-old boy. I can't be. You made your choice before, Haley, and you made that choice for a reason. You knew that it couldn't work between us, and you were right. Too much has already happened. Why do you think you stayed away all those years? Why do you think you wanted to marry Andy?"

"Nathan, that's not true. I was hurt and unsure of myself, but there wasn't a day that my heart wasn't here with you in Tree Hill," she tried to tell him, but he wasn't listening. His mind was set.

"You should go back to New York, Haley. It's where you belong," Nathan stated. "And take your heart with you…because I'm taking mine."

"Nathan," she shouted as he turned to walk away. "Nathan!"

Haley continued to call after him, but it was no use. He was already gone, and she couldn't run in her dress. Haley braced herself against the railing for support. She was crying so hard that she felt like she might faint.

It was the story of her life. She always figured out things too late. In the end, someone always got hurt. And this time it was her.