Entry21

Fuck my fucking life.

What is wrong with me?!

No. No. NO it is not what is wrong with me but with fucking Potter.

I seriously hate myself for noticing I just wrote 'fucking Potter' and blushed.

I swear the world is ending. I suddenly have so much empathy for Charlotte; all last semester she had to endure watching 'oh so beautiful' Jenevieve. I used to make fun of Charlotte because she would stare at the girl for so long wondering what she could do better to look more like her. Charlotte and Jenevieve had to be the best looking girls in Hogwarts. And to make matters even more depressing, no matter how much I despised it, she truly was drop dead gorgeous. Her hair was auburn—not 'its so bright it hurts to look at' red. She had eyes that changed from the lightest blue to the smokiest gray that even reviled Sirius's eyes. She was 5'11, not skinny or overweight, always had French manicured nails…

UGH. she drove me fucking crazy,

And not because I'm jealous.

That is ludicrous. Absurd. Preposterous. Nonsensical. Comical.

Me? Jealous? Over Potter? And Jenevieve? And their stupid light touches and laughs. For their fucking flirtatious smiles. And his fucking charming grin. And their stupid future beautiful babies

I really want to cry right now.

I am stunned, emotional, mad, angry, and I'll admit even a little…hurt.

But I am not jealous.

Being Jealous is for all those stupid girls in his fanclub with something 'his godliness' touched tucked under their pillow.

And all I had under my pillow was this journal. And he's never even seen this damn thing.

And these stupid, water droplets that are running down my blotchy, unattractive, un-Jenevieve face are water droplets of Anger. Absolute Hate. Utter Loathing.

**The next day**

I was graced to be talked to by our one and only god Potter.

"Hey Lily." He stood above me after a hideously boring potions class.

I turned the other way, talking to Charlotte like I never heard him.

"Lils?"

How fucking dare he to call me Lils.

I'm gonna kill him.

"I thought we're friends." My brain was screaming Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!

I turned toward him, hiding my rage with seemingly a content smile. "Oh whats that? I think I hear Jenevieve waiting for you to open a door for her. You better run off, she might get scarred without your constant presence."

I walked swiftly from him, proud I had successfully resisted smacking him.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

*the following day at dinner*

What a great fucking night I just had.

My sarcasm is dripping down my chin.

—Flashback!—

I walked into the great Hall laughing at Melanie as she swooned over telling us what Remus had recently said to her. "He is so sexy. He found me in the Library and sat next to me I didn't even realize he was there until he reached under my chin and I just about jumped outa my seat." I could definitely see that. "But then he leaned in real close and whispered that I was beautiful. Then he just walked out. Just like that. He only went in there, searched for who knows how long, just to tell me that!"

She is so adorable. I really love Melanie. She is just so innocent and pure. Always the first to blush, and last to catch innuendos.

I looked down the Gryffindor table, my eyes searching for the marauders. I was forced to sit with, or at least in the near vicinity of them due to my super friends. Ugh.

Oh hell no.

I saw Sirius, Remus, Peter and of course Potter.

But Potter was not alone.

Potter was talking to the one and only Jenevieve.

As if this dinner wasn't going to be fucking awkward enough with Jenevieve being one of Sirius's exes.

Was it his goal to get me to snap and kill him this year? Hell, this semester.

Here's how the table was arranged:

Remus……Peter

Melanie…..James

Me………..Jenevieve

Charlotte…Random 5th year girl

Sirius……..Random 5th year boy.

Yep.

And Jenevieve was not only in my direct line of sight, but very close to Charlottes too.

I tuned everyone out and looked in between the random 5th year girl and Jenevieve, looking nowhere important. I was halfway deciding acceptable amount of time for me to stay and then excuse myself without looking too obvious about it. I ran through some excuses which involved feigning a homework assignment in a class Potter wasn't in with me…

Unfortunately my tuning out skills were not all that grand.

Jenevieve's laugh rang out in my ears as Potter tried to tickle her.

Did I mention how much I hate his guts?

And I'm 110% sure that I was not the only one thinking that sentence.

They flirted and he ran his middle finger along her forearm.

I sighed and locked my jaw in my palm, noticing for the first time that my target of eye focus was on the Ravenclaw table.

Or more specifically Greg Hemings.

Greg Hemings was easily in the top 10 of hotties in Hogwarts. He was a seventh year—just like Jenevieve—he had dirty blonde hair, and electric blue eyes.

Those eyes were currently boring into mine. He had a small smile playing on his lips. Not a mocking smile (that I should be receiving for staring so blatantly) but one of pleasure. Like when you catch your crush staring at you.

A plan started to whip around in my head. This night could be salvaged after all.

I gave him a smile that was known to make men stutter.

I was not disappointed.

His bottom lip slightly dropped and (really laying it on thick) I looked at him through my eye lashes, biting my bottom lip that still was in my smile.

He got up from his chair, never breaking our eye contact.

Charlotte began yelling in the distance and I strained to keep eye contact with Hemings and catch up on the conversation.

Charlotte shrieked in my ear at Potter. "You are such a prick!"

Damn I missed a lot.

"You are so obviously using Jenevieve to get Lily jealous its pathetic."

Then Charlotte turned her fury towards Jenevieve. "And you are either such a dumb ass and you honestly don't see the situation or you are just as eager to get someone—"she threw a clear look at Sirius—"jealous."

Just then, when all of our mouths were open, Greg decided to walk up behind me. He tapped my shoulder and I—and everyone else sitting with us, looked up.

"I would love for you to join me in a walk, if you're done eating of course."

I looked back at the table. Everyone had evidently looked down quickly, all determinedly staring at their plates.

Except Potter.

Potter was staring at Greg, he glare unmistakably was warning poor Hemings. Daring him to actually walk out with me on his arm.

I looked up at him. Potters words running threw me.

"I wont hold you back Lily. I wont threaten anymore guys. Have your fun."

I smiled at Greg, taking his extended hand. "Yes, I would love to. It sounds quite…fun."

I looked at Potter's face, his expression was now showing many emotions. Regret. Anger. Sadness. Longing. Hatred. Pain.

And most of all; Jealously.

I was not jealous because of Potter.

Potter was jealous because of me.

The way it should be.

Then I looked at Greg and smiled.

The walk was actually enjoyable, but it was clear that he was not my type. I played the part though, laughing when I should, smiling, and paying attention. He offered to walk me to my first class tomorrow. I accepted. He wasn't my type, but regardless he was gorgeous and it was annoying Potter. Win, win.

He walked me to the Gryffindor tower, he grabbed my hand for a moment and told me goodnight. He was such a gentleman.

Unlike Potter.

When I walked inside he was sitting on one of the amazingly comfortable armchairs.

"Have fun with Prince Charming?"

I really and truly wanted to say this: Did you have fun with your bimbo?

Or possibly: why jealous much?

Or: whats it to you?

Or: why do you fucking care you ass hole?

But instead I said a simple "Yes." I was on my way to the stairs when I felt his hand grasp my elbow. He looked at me with that intensity that made me squirm. He pulled my hand, making me close the distance between us, pulling our bodies flush together.

"Lily…" I took a breath of air and the smell of him drowned me. I realized that I had missed it. There was something so familiar about it. Something so warm, yet it was so manly.

I pushed him away.

"How dare you!"

"What?!"

"You cant just do that, you ass hole!"

"Do what?!" He yelled.

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"What? I cant treat you the way you've been treating me for 6 years!?" His hands were clenching into fist at his side to release tension.

"I never did what you did." I said in a deathly whisper.

"Oh and what is that Miss. Evans?"

"I never led you on! I never promised friendship only to withdraw it! I never lied to you. I made my intensions clear. And most importantly I was consistent with my emotions!"

"Right because the last 3 years of consistent infatuation and adoration is just so fucking unpredictable!"

"And Jenevieve was just already in the crystal ball!?"

"How should I know, I dropped divination in 3rd year!" I'm laughing looking back at this, but at the time, I seriously wanted to punch him.

"Why are you doing this to me!?" I rounded on him.

"Doing what?!"

"Being what I always knew you were. Why I always rejected you. The reason I made sure you could never touch my heart. Because all you are is a player!"

"You have no idea who I am Evans."

"I'm pretty damn sure I do."

"Then please enlighten me, because you always know everything."

Damn straight.

"You are just another pretty faced play boy, always considering yourself above to rules, because you think you are just that good. You think people below you are people you can tease and abuse for no reason. You pride yourself on the fact that you never study but still receive high marks because to you it confirms you're superior. You are a man that bases his life on his conquests. On how many girls you can get to fall for you. And all I am your one exception. Someone that for once in your life, wont give into you. Someone your charm doesn't work on. It drives you crazy, And you confuse that drive to have everything with 'Infatuation' and 'adoration.'"

Everything was still. James was looking down, while every other pair of eyes stared at us.

James, still with his face down, began to speak. Slowly, and quieter.

"You don't know a damn thing."

"And you think you know me better than I know you?"

"I'm pretty damn sure I do." He said repeating my words. I nodded to him.

"You are so used to getting everything right, you're worst nightmare is to be wrong. It takes you forever to admit you were wrong about something, which is why you never let yourself get close to me. You are so afraid to be hurt you don't live. So frightened of everything and everyone. You allow no risk. I am a risk. And you sized me up that first day on the train, assuming that I was something I am not. And to admit to someone, let alone me, let alone yourself, that you were wrong about me. You tell yourself I'm the bad guy. I'm the villain to blame for everything wrong in your life. Not one thing you said about me was true, how can you hate me and not know me? Simple, your damn pride. I do everything for you and you don't even ever see me. You say I am confused? Maybe you are confusing your pride with denial. Your assumptions of my feelings with fear of intimacy. Stubbornness with fear. And even possibly your hatred with your love."

His voice had grown in its intensity. He finally looked at me. I realized with shock that there were tears running down my face—and his.

He promptly turned and walked to his dormitory.

I wiped my tears away hastily, but the damage was already done. Dozens of students were staring. Even in the stairways. Girls and boys, mouth agape, staring unabashed.

I quickly ran up to my four poster bed. His words spinning in my head as I try to make sense of them.

Look how freaking on time I am! It just turned Sunday moments ago! I'm getting better!

I will NOT be updating next Sunday. I will be on a weekend trip. I will either update this thursday (17th) or the next sunday (the 27th)

Though I feel really twisted that I loved writing this chapter and it was just my favorite couple fighting…

What did you think? Why don't you tell me in a nice review? Hint hint

Love,

Jenna