X Vs A Part II: Dracula Explains It All
The following day in a refurbished castle in Bayville…
"Oh Dark Gods of the Netherworld what the hell are those lunatics up to now?" Dracula groaned as he watched television in a large windowless living room on his favorite chair.
"We're back to the Gordon Grant Show live with our special guests Robert 'Iceman' Drake and Katherine 'Shadowcat' Pryde," A middle aged wavy haired late evening talk show host with a smarmy grin and a British accent spoke.
"Call me Kitty Mr. Grant," Kitty smiled. "Everyone does."
"Only if you don't call me Mr. Grant," Grant smirked. "It makes me feel old."
"If you want to feel old Gordon try fighting a ton of Sentinels for an afternoon sometime," Bobby hammed up faking back pain. "I still have swollen joints I didn't even know I had!"
"Now why would Cyclops let those two do a talk show with one of the biggest rabble-rousers the media has?" Dracula wondered aloud. "Probably just a desparate attempt to hook the youth vote or something."
"Okay let me ask a question here," Grant spoke up. "As some of the younger more profiled X-Men I have to ask, is there any romance between you two?"
"No! I mean no…" Kitty was stunned.
"Oh no. Kitty's with Colossus," Bobby waved. "I'm single but those two are a couple."
"There's no time for romance I'm afraid," Kitty said. "What with rebuilding Bayville and getting all the new mutant protocols in place."
"So you are doing all this work with very little help from other so called heroes," Grant said.
"Well they say they're helping us but yes you get the picture," Bobby smirked.
"Ah I see now why Grant wanted them on the show," Dracula grumbled. "He's not exactly the Avenger's biggest fan. And anyone against the Avengers is good for Grant and his ratings," Dracula finished.
"I don't understand Father," Frank the son of Dracula spoke up as he sat on the couch. He was a tall thin vampire male with blue eyes and blonde hair. He was wearing a brown sweater and jeans with sneakers. "Aren't the X-Men and the Avengers friends?"
"Not exactly," Dracula sighed.
"It's a complicated issue Honey," Cindy spoke up. Dracula's wife was wearing a striking gold top with white pants that complimented her long blonde hair. She wore a large diamond around her neck on a gold chain.
"I'm not saying the Avengers don't want to help," Bobby whistled. "It's just that with all the late night partying Tony Stark does…"
"Of course," Dracula scoffed. "Why not get into a public flame war with the Avengers? That will be productive!"
"What exactly is this fight about?" Frank asked. "I thought the war was over?"
"It is. But someone forgot to tell them that," Dracula smirked as he turned down the volume on the television so they could talk.
"So what is the fight about?" Frank asked.
"To put it simply," Dracula shook his head. "The X-Men are mad at the Avengers for not getting involved in a war they really had no business getting involved with in the first place."
"And the Avengers are mad at the X-Men for defending themselves in a war their own species caused," Cindy added. "Well the ones that are human anyway. I think the other half humans and non-humans are just going along with the crowd."
"But humans and mutants are technically the same species right?" Frank asked. "Like us and the other vampire clans."
"Exactly. Each vampire clan has their strengths which we use according to our advantage and any additional power or skill that a clan comes up with is prized," Dracula nodded. "But for some reason humans don't see it that way."
"So all the humans could get stronger if they'd just get along and share their gifts like we do?" Frank scratched his head. "But they don't because they're too proud? I don't get it."
"I will never understand humans completely either honey," Cindy shook her head. "And I used to be one."
"Indeed. What is it about their species that makes them so vain?" Dracula asked. "And as a vampire you have to admit that is saying something. I admit our species has its own brand of hubris. But the difference is we've earned it and we know when to play it down. Usually."
"I know. I mean I know I'm better and stronger as a vampire than I ever was as a human but I don't feel the need to rub it in everyone's faces," Cindy nodded.
"Right. If the humans and the mutants want to think they are the 'superior species' then let them," Dracula waved. "It just makes it easier for those of us who actually are."
Dracula smirked. "It's funny if you think about it. Here are these mutants whose race has barely begun…not even a full thousand years and they think they're the next step in evolution. And the humans are fighting the mutants because they believe they are at the pinnacle of evolution. The vampire race is almost a million years old and yet we're clearly more 'evolved' than the two of them combined. It's just funny."
"They're like children," Cindy said. "The older species competing with the younger one. And the younger one fighting back to prove themselves to the older one. Both want recognition and safety and neither side will admit their weaknesses to the other."
"The true evolution of oneself is the formula of age plus wisdom plus power," Frank spoke up.
"You know your vampire proverbs," Dracula nodded. "Maybe those three years at Vampire College weren't such a waste after all?"
"I graduated Vampire College," Frank frowned.
"Barely," Dracula moaned. "After I donated three buildings and enough park benches for the entire student body to sit on."
"Frank just learns at a different rate than most vampires," Cindy said patting her son's hand.
"Cindy you know as well as I that it takes only six months for a vampire to graduate Vampire College," Dracula gave her a look. "And in my day Vampire College wasn't even that long!"
"Here we go…" Frank moaned.
"In my day Vampire College didn't have all these fancy videos to watch plus thousands more years of information and history to learn using a stupid cheat sheet!" Dracula fumed. "We had two scrolls and three books and one of them was only five pages long! But you had to memorize every single word as well as demonstrate how well you could fight off a pack of werewolves! That was education!"
"Honey we're getting off track again," Cindy said. "We were talking about the humans and the mutants."
"Oh yes, right. The truth is there are scars on each side from the war and what happened with the Skrulls," Dracula said. "And neither wants to admit that they failed in some aspect. So it's easier to blame each other or just pretend that they are better than the other side."
"The humans don't want to appear weak and obsolete and the mutants don't want to appear weak and needy," Cindy said. "It's a shame cycle that just keeps feeding itself over and over again."
"I'm not saying both sides don't have a point," Dracula added. "But both mutants and humans tend to take things way too personally. Take the Avengers. Yes, they didn't mention the contribution of vampires and werewolves and downplayed the mutants' role in the Skrull invasion…."
"And you're not angry about that?" Frank asked.
"Please, I've done a lot of saving as well as destroying quite a few times back in the day," Dracula waved. "I once saved an entire village from a murderous horde of Visigoths. But did I get as much as a thank you note? No. But I didn't take it personally. I knew they had trust issues…"
"Because you fed on half of the town and killed the other half after the invasion," Cindy folded her arms.
"Details…" Dracula shrugged. "Okay maybe I took it a little personally?"
"Uh huh," Cindy sighed.
"And I also have done other things to save the world," Dracula said. "I even once saved the planet from Apocalypse way back in the day the first time he escaped from his prison."
"You did?" Frank's eyes widened.
"Yes, I never told you that story did I?" Dracula asked. "It's a real good one! Much better than all those fake Hollywood crap movies!"
"Here we go again," Cindy sighed. "Let it go Darling."
"Let it go? Those hacks have been defaming me for years!" Dracula snapped. "It was bad enough when Brahms Stoker completely changed all the facts in that book his wrote and nearly destroyed my reputation! And it was even worse with all those other movies copied that book! But all those stupid B-Movies? That is the real insult!"
"Drac Honey…" Cindy said.
"All inaccurate and completely twisting the facts! Dracula Rises From His Grave," Dracula got up from his chair and started to pace back and forth. "Dracula Lord of the Damned. Dracula Gets A Bad Haircut! Dracula Dead and Loving It!"
"That one was really bad," Frank winced.
"Dracula Meets Abbot and Costello! I never met Abbot and Costello!" Dracula threw up his hands. "I met Sophia Loren once! At the beginning of her career! That was a story! But does Hollywood even consider that? NOOOOO!"
"Your point about the Avengers Darling?" Cindy rolled her eyes.
"Right. The Avengers didn't want to frighten the human race any more than it already is," Dracula said.
"News of a super powered mutant defeating an alien invasion without breaking a fingernail would panic the public into hating mutants all over again," Cindy went on. "Because humans aren't smart enough to be grateful to someone with the power to protect them. They fear what they can't control or understand."
"Humans are like sheep and the Avengers and SHIELD have set themselves up as the shepherds," Dracula composed himself as he sat back down. "This is about job security which I can understand. Besides they have been fighting the Skrulls a bit longer than the X-Men."
"And the X-Men?"
"It was mostly Phoenix who did all the work," Dracula said. "The others are just coasting along on her coattails. On the other hand, the mutants don't want to be shot at and killed. A sentiment I can also understand."
"So both sides are right and both sides are wrong," Frank thought aloud.
"Exactly. Now the trick is how to manipulate their egos to your advantage," Dracula said. "The mutants are easy. For once. We saved the town from the evil shape shifting aliens and we will continue to do so in the future. Just in case they break their word and come back."
"But they're not so stupid to trust us all right off the bat just because we helped them out once," Susan said.
"Of course they aren't," Dracula said. "They will still be suspicious and wary of us which is the smart way to be. We are vampires after all. Only a fool would completely trust those that are more powerful than he is. The irony of this is that they are miffed when humans do it to them and can't understand why."
"So they're mad when humans look at them with suspicion and don't trust them even though they helped the humans," Frank thought aloud. "But they don't realize they're doing the same thing to us?"
"Exactly dear," Cindy nodded. "They're not a very self-aware species are they?"
"I fear the majority of them aren't. They put way too much stock in their powers and not enough in their experiences," Dracula said. "With some exceptions of course. But that is how the majority of mutants think."
"Because they think their powers make them the next step in evolution," Frank nodded.
"Exactly," Dracula said.
"And we think that vampires are stronger than all of them not just because of our powers?" Frank thought.
"Yes Frank. What was the proverb you just said a few minutes ago?" Dracula sighed. "Our species has powers yes. But we also have the wisdom to know that we have weaknesses as well and the experience to handle that."
"So you deal with the mutants by pointing out that they're acting like humans?" Frank asked.
"In a sense yes. It gives them a guilt complex. For some reason even though they are almost the same species most mutants don't want to be reminded they are just like their human predecessors," Dracula said. "Even though the point of the Mutant War was that mutants are human too."
"Okay that's just weird," Frank made a face.
"Mutants are weird," Cindy said. "Then again look where they came from."
"Now the humans are a bit tricky. Then again dealing with humans always is," Dracula sighed. "Yes we can offer our same services but those humans particularly Fury are not going to be so grateful. If anything they'll be more paranoid because they will think that we vampires wil do the exact same trick the Skrulls will do."
"So how do we deal with the humans?" Frank asked.
"By smiling with happy fangs and reminding them there are other species that are just as dangerous," Dracula said. "Remember, humans love to fight even more than vampires. Frank, how many great vampire wars have there been in history? Among vampires only?"
"One. The Great Vampire War which lasted fifty years until you and several other leaders united the vampire clans," Frank said.
"Only once in our history have vampires gone after vampires," Dracula said. "Oh yes there are individual skirmishes for power and revenge. But they don't involve large armies. Only once did vampire armies fight other vampire armies and it nearly killed us all. We learned from that mistake. Humans didn't."
"Humans fight each other all the time. Always over the smallest of things," Cindy said. "Mostly power."
"They just don't know how to do it right," Dracula sighed. "They are impatient. Willing to blame everyone but themselves."
"Like the Avengers?" Frank asked.
"To an extent yes," Dracula nodded. "Let's do a head count. The Super Soldier. He was made for fighting. He fights not just for his men but for an idea. And would do anything in his power to protect that idea."
"And that idea is for justice and freedom and…" Frank stopped. "What was the third thing again?"
"The American Way," Dracula groaned. "Honestly Frank do you ever pay attention to the news?"
"The focus is the American Way. Not the Human Way," Cindy pointed out.
"Now don't get me wrong. I love America! I mean where else could a vampire like me get so many rights and privileges?" Dracula said. "And better yet a reality show! Which reminds me I have to call Bravo back. They want another season of Undead and Loving It!"
"Ooh goody," Cindy clapped her hands. "I told you they loved us!"
"They did. But back to my point," Dracula got back on track. "Captain America is a defender of only one point of view. One idea in a world of thousands. Okay admittedly it is a good idea but still…"
"He doesn't always see the big picture and focuses on individual people instead of what's best for everyone," Cindy explained.
"Exactly. Now Tony Stark AKA Iron Man is the opposite. He sees the future as a technological paradise where technology solves everyone's problems and we're all living in a Jetson's themed universe," Dracula explained. "Sometimes he sees too much of the big picture and ignores the individual consequences sometimes."
"But wouldn't the two of them working together balance each other out?" Frank asked.
"Sometimes. It would be more effective if they were vampires. But since they are not it is only a matter of time before they go at each other's throats over something," Dracula said. "My point is with a few exceptions almost all the Avengers are human. Or at the very least started out human."
"And humans believe that the Earth belongs to them despite the existence of all the other species that reside on this planet," Cindy said. "Deep down they all think that. It's even in the Bible. How God gave man dominion over all living things."
"You've read the human bible?" Dracula asked.
"I used to go to Catholic school years ago," Cindy waved. "Got kicked out when I was sixteen. Not for anything I did mind you. But…Let's just say my parents really ruined one of our school dances."
"Is this the same Dance of Shame where your father was caught making out with a woman in a closet and your mother set fire to the bleachers?" Dracula asked.
"Yes. And the woman was a nun so…" Cindy sighed. "After that we kind of had to leave town. And one of the reasons why I ran away from home to pursue a modeling career at the age of seventeen."
"Wow Mom our family tree is really interesting," Frank whistled.
"Interesting is not the word for it," Cindy groaned. "The point is that humans have a very distinct world view and mutants as well as vampires challenge that world view."
"Both humans and mutants think that their species in the pinnacle of evolution which we all know that's a crock," Dracula said. "So they fight and bicker with each other."
"And where do we fit in?" Frank asked.
"Besides the fact we can eat humans and mutants?" Cindy gave her son a look.
"Listen and learn…" Dracula smirked as he turned on a cell phone. "Hello? Stephan? It's Dracula. How are you doing? How is the family? Good, good…Say Stephan I just came up with an idea and I know as a producer you could always use a good idea…"
"Producer?" Frank whispered to his mother.
"You'd be surprised how many vampire producers there are in Hollywood," Cindy whispered back. "Then again it is Hollywood so being a bloodthirsty power hungry egomaniac is kind of a given."
"Sounds like we'd have a real leg up in that business," Frank agreed.
"Remember you said you wanted to spice up that Feud show for Sweeps? I think I have just figured out a way…" Dracula grinned. "How about two superhero teams play for charity? Yes. Those are the two I thought of. Oh I'm pretty sure they'd jump at the chance to play once they hear the other is involved!"
"What is he planning?" Frank was still clueless.
"Chaos my boy," Cindy smirked. "Lots and lots of chaos."
"Of course it goes without saying that you not mention it was my idea," Dracula said. "You take all the credit for it. I insist! Oh Stephan we've been friends for centuries! Of course I don't mind. Always happy to help out a fellow vampire in our time of need. Huh? Sure I could do a cameo for you. Which show? Really? I love that one! I get my usual fee for an appearance right? Good! Thanks buddy! Good bye!"
"Wait you are going to send members of the Avengers, X-Men and Misfits all in the same place as a game show?" Cindy was stunned as her husband closed his phone. "Oh darling that is wicked!"
"Now we sit back and watch both sides act like fools," Dracula smirked. "And enjoy the show."
"So basically we survive by letting the two sides fight each other?" Frank asked.
"It's worked beautifully for us for almost a million years," Dracula said. "For the most part anyway."
"One little flaw in the plan," Frank frowned. "How are you going to get them to agree on going on this game show in the first place?"
"Stephan will handle it. All he has to do is say to one team that the other one is going to be there and they will jump at the chance to defend their honor and more importantly kick the other team in the teeth!" Dracula grinned as he sat back down in his chair.
"But what makes you so sure that will work?" Frank asked.
"Oh dear…" Cindy frowned when she saw what was going on TV. She turned up the volume.
While they were talking it seemed that Hawkeye had managed to come on the program and was now arguing with Bobby and Kitty. "Face it, you X-Men are nothing but a bunch of glory hogs!" Hawkeye fumed.
"Who are you calling a glory hog, Miss Piggy?" Kitty snapped.
"Hey, Hawkeye! Cool off!" Bobby called out. He created a snowball and threw it in Hawkeye's face.
"That's it!" Hawkeye started to charge but suddenly two SHIELD agents came out and restrained him. "HEY! Let me go! LET ME GO! I'M GONNA CLEAN FROSTY THE SNOW BOY'S CLOCK!"
"Oh I think it will. I love reality television!" Dracula laughed.