Disclaimer – Do I own Degrassi? No, I don't.
! IMPORTANT: I DO NOT PROMOTE SUICIDE OR ROMANTICIZE IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE SEEK HELP (SUICIDE HOT-LINE: 1-800-273-82559). NOBODY WANTS TO DIE. IT IS JUST THAT PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY OUT. AND I HATE TO HIT YOU WITH THOSE CHEESY THINGS BUT THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON TO GO ON. WHETHER IT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW, A VIDEO-GAME OR YOUR FAVORITE FOOD. YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT ILLNESS OR ANYTHING THAT PUSHES YOU TO END YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE MORE THAN THAT AND YOU WILL OVERCOME IT. YOU'RE HARD TO KILL. YOU'RE A WARRIOR. WHEN LIFE KICKS YOU TO THE GROUND, YOU GET UP. EVERY TIME. YOU GOT THIS.
YOU CAN ALWAYS MESSAGE ME IF YOU NEED SOMEONE.
I was packing for my trip to Hawaii, while thinking about the last few days – they have been crazy.
"Don't forget your sunscreen!" Mom called from downstairs.
I shoved the last piece of clothing into the suitcase, before closing it and plopping down next to it on my bed.
One thing that took a turn for the better was Mom and Dad's marriage. It would take a while for them to build a well functioning one, but they were working on it. And that made my heart feel a bit fonder. They had even planned on going on vacation together.
Lying on my bed, I looked up at the ceiling briefly, before closing my eyes. I tried to imagine the sounds of beautiful waves that hit the shore and the feeling of smooth sand under my feet.
Buzzing of my cellphone.
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and frowned.
It must've been Arthur.
He was leaving text messages and voice-mails since prom.
I know that it wasn't very nice of me to ignore him, but he'd eventually get over me. As cheesy as it sounded; it was easier this way. It wouldn't be fair to lead him on.
But then again, I was leading myself on... I had to forget Eli.
I wouldn't let the tears fall – not this time.
I squeezed my eyes even tighter.
Oh, but it was suicide to the mind.
"Clare?"
"Clare," I heard a soft voice say.
"Huh?"
I straightened up and saw my Mom standing at my door.
She gave me a somewhat apologetic smile. "You have a visitor. Can I call her up to your room?"
.. Her?
"Uh, sure," I answered, feeling not so sure about it at all.
She pressed her lips together in a n attempt to smile, before closing the door behind her.
I heard footsteps, so I quickly ran a hand through my hair.
"Candy..." I mumbled baffled.
"Clare," She said with a stone cold tone, before closing the door cautiously, staying right in in front of it. "Help me get Arthur back."
"How?" I asked, letting my annoyance shine through. "I can't!"
The nerve! I thought to myself, trying to breathe calmly.
"Well, you have to!" She told me.
I let out a bitter chuckle. "I don't have to do anything," I said. "Look, I get that you like hi-"
"I love him!" She corrected me in a shaky voice.
My gaze softened. "Okay," I told her. "Okay, I get it. I just cannot help you, Candy. I can't make him love you back. Maybe... you could give it some time. If you give him some space, maybe he'll realize that -"
"Either you help me," She said with raised eyebrows. "Or... I'll just find someone else."
I tried to muster up a smile. "Yeah, giving other people a chance could -"
"Someone like... Eli."
She was tugging at my heart. And she had no right to do that. She had no right to tug at my crippling heart.
I shot up from my bed.
"Get out!" I pointed at the door.
She narrowed her eyes at me. "It hurts, doesn't it?"
"GET. OUT. NOW!"
It felt like my heart was hammering against my skullcap.
She stood there, looking at me for a while. Then she huffed, turned around and walked out.
My knees collapsed like a house of cards under me and I sank back onto the bed.
I grabbed my phone, ignoring those unread text messages, which were giving me a headache.
"I can't believe that little bitch!" Alli spat. "How dare she?"
"Eli wouldn't like her," I stated, shaking my head. "Right?"
"Of course not, are you kidding?" Alli chuckled. "I don't think that Eli could like anything or anyone." She joked, but I didn't find it funny.
I put the coffee down and glared at her. "You don't know that!" I said defensively.
He had loved Julia.
Alli's eyes widened and I instantly regretted my outburst.
"I'm sorry, Alli."
She gave me a smile. "It's fine."
I felt vulnerable under her stare. How could I not? I was practically wearing my heart on my sleeve.
".. Did you tell Adam that we're at the Dot?" I asked, changing the subject.
Her expression changed into a nervous one, before she tried to cover it up with another smile. "Yeah, but he's busy."
I stared back at her. "What is going on?"
She let her shoulders sink. "He's with Eli," She confessed.
"Why can't you just tell me that? Stop treating me like such a fragile thing!"
She frowned. "How can I not?" She asked back. "You're always getting defensive about the smallest things these days. Everything reminds you of Eli. You never genuinely smile anymore," She sighed. "Clare, we're worried about you. Really worried."
Maybe I was proving her point, but I was blinded by rage. Rage that was rooted in sadness. Nothing was ever going the way I wanted it. Everyone was just stringing me along in life.
Narrowing my eyes, I got up. "Don't talk to me."
"Clare!" I heard her call, but I was already halfway out the door.
I didn't want to behave like that and I felt sorry for treating my best friend like this, but something in me was stronger than the sympathy I harbored for the people I loved.
On my way home, I thought I heard someone call my name, but when I turned around, I didn't see anyone.
I was almost home, when I heard it again. I spun around.
"Mr. Morrison..."
"Good day, Clare," He smiled. "I was trying to catch up with you, but you're pretty quick and I'm getting really old."
I smiled back, not knowing what to say.
"It's a coincidence to see you – I was taking a walk," He told me. "I tried calling you today, but you did not answer my calls."
His daily walk.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Morrison," I said. "My mind's not screwed on properly these days..." I laughed a bit, making him smile genuinely this time.
"Oh, that's fine, sweetheart," He replied. "I just... I'm moving away. There's nothing that really holds me here and the house is too big for me anyways. It's too empty. I don't need that much space." His voice grew sadder and sadder and with it, I felt my own breathe hitch.
"There is something you might want to have though," Mr. Morrison tried to muster up a comforting smile, but the tears were already welling up in my eyes. This was another goodbye. It felt like saying goodbye to Julia entirely. To the good times we had.
He pulled out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and handed it to me. "I want you to have – no, Julia would want you to have this." I saw a tear in his eye.
I didn't dare to open it or even look at it any longer. I was touching it, like it would burn my flesh. "What is it?"
"It's a copy of the last page of Julia's diary."
"B-but why..." I stammered.
"She would want you to read it, trust me. Once you do it, you'll understand," He explained softly. "I gave the diary to Eli, like she would want me to."
He looked down. "I couldn't bare to look at it for too long..." I could hear the small sobs he was trying to hold back.
It felt as if I was choking on them too.
He looked back up and smiled with those glassy eyes. "Goodbye, Clare. Thank you for being such an amazing friend to my dear daughter."
"Goodbye, Mr. Morrison. Thank you for everything."
We exchanged smiles, before we walked our separate ways.
"Oh, and Clare," I heard him call from down the street. "Chin up, Julia's watching over us." He walked on.
I looked up at the blue sky. Was she really? Or was she only just a memory to us, until we decease too?
Dear diary,
This is it. I promised that if I ever got to this page, I would finally leave life behind. Life left me behind. And I do not want to explain myself.
I've done enough wailing, but I'm still scared.
Dad, I love you. I would say more than life itself, but that wouldn't do you any justice.
Eli, you were the love of my life. I know that you never felt the same way about me. You only saw a good friend in me, but that was enough to mend my broken soul. I want you to know that everyday was a little bit sweeter with you in it. I hope to see you in the next world, love. Please be just as goofy and sweet. Please don't hate me. I love you.
Clare, I'm so proud of myself for choosing you as my best friend. You are precious to this world. Even on the days that I had tried to push you away, you stood by my side. And I know that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but you always bit your tongue, because you knew how your best friend was and you accepted me for who I am. I am sorry for spending less and less time with you and ignoring your calls. I wasn't in a very good place, and I'm glad you could move on a bit. I never told you what really went on in my mind, but I wanted you to know me as the happy Julia, the stubborn Julia. Not the sad and weak one. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if you would have seen my like this. And for that I hope you can forgive me.
Mom, I've never met you. I couldn't help but wonder; was it my fault that you left? Did you not want me? I have tried to make sense of it, but you couldn't possibly hate me – I was only a baby. Your own flesh and blood. It must have been you.
Sarah, tell Dylan I'm okay now.
We both fell asleep on the floor, then I left you there
You spent so many days alone, so I'll kill myself to make things fair
See I just hated being tired cause I can't seem to sleep anymore
You and all your friends were all right about me all along
Do you sleep anymore?
I would love to be patient, but I just won't wait
I'm getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day
I would love to speak my mind, but I can't think straight
I would love to feel alive again, but I'm not used to change
! IMPORTANT: I DO NOT PROMOTE SUICIDE OR ROMANTICIZE IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE SEEK HELP (SUICIDE HOT-LINE: 1-800-273-82559). NOBODY WANTS TO DIE. IT IS JUST THAT PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY OUT. AND I HATE TO HIT YOU WITH THOSE CHEESY THINGS BUT THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON TO GO ON. WHETHER IT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW, A VIDEO-GAME OR YOUR FAVORITE FOOD. YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT ILLNESS OR ANYTHING THAT PUSHES YOU TO END YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE MORE THAN THAT AND YOU WILL OVERCOME IT. YOU'RE HARD TO KILL. YOU'RE A WARRIOR. WHEN LIFE KICKS YOU TO THE GROUND, YOU GET UP. EVERY TIME. YOU GOT THIS.
YOU CAN ALWAYS MESSAGE ME IF YOU NEED SOMEONE.
A/N: No Eli in this chapter, sorry. But the next one will contain lots of him. How can I thank you guys? Your reviews make me happier.