Ch. 21 - Messages
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"History, can you believe it?" Danny tucked the pile of Kelly's books onto the top shelf. "I suppose he realized that there was no way to hide the fact now that his brother is here. But really, he could have picked robotics or cyber operations or something interesting and instead he picked history."
"Uh-huh." Kelly seemed about as amused as Kara was when Danny asked her the same question, although Kelly hid her annoyance better. Of course, that might have something to do with the fact that Danny woke Kara up at 0400, not entirely sober, to ask her why she never told him that Carlton was a history major. That in turn woke Frankie and Danny quickly found himself in the cafeteria entertaining a very wide-awake preschooler while his wife slept and trying not to vomit at every spoonful of the scrambled duck eggs Bacon insisted would help settle his stomach. "And how do you feel about Carlton's suggestion? That we need to look at current events through the lens of history?"
Oh yeah, she was definitely annoyed if she was pulling out an how do you feel question. Danny vaguely wondered what Kelly's undergrad major was. Done with the books, he returned to the futon, unable to stop a chuckle. "Whatever gets him through the day, I suppose."
Kelly arched an eyebrow. "I had imagined that a night without any responsibilities might be beneficial. That is why I recommended to Captain Chandler that he turn a blind eye to you and Lieutenant Burk's ill-advised decision to leave the bunker and become intoxicated. I hope that I was not mistaken."
Danny winced at the cutting tone in Kelly's voice, his stomach sinking. He didn't realize that Captain Chandler knew that he and Carlton left the bunker, and broke about a dozen orders (some of which Danny himself had suggested). Even though Captain Slattery's punishments tended to be harsher, somehow disappointing Captain Chandler always made Danny feel worse. Sobering, he tried to remember Kelly's original question. "History is a good reminder, I guess, that this has happened before. People thought the world was ending, and it didn't. Those people back in Roman times. They didn't know anything about germs or medicine or how the black plague started. They thought the gods were cursing them. And maybe the gods were. Maybe the gods are cursing us now. But..."
"But that's not what you believe."
"No." Danny paused, considering. "What Carlton said, about this happening before. He was right. It's happened before. And it will probably happen again. But ... maybe not. We stopped the black plague. Maybe we can stop this too."
"It sounds like Carlton gave you some things to consider," Kelly commented.
"Sure." Danny grinned. "Doesn't mean I won't still give him shit about his degree. History. Unbelievable."
A smile flitted across Kelly's face.
"What?" Danny asked cautiously, the sudden change in mood making him suspicious.
"Nothing." But that smile continued to play along her lips. Danny waited, silently staring until Kelly elaborated. "I've never seen you this way before."
"What way?"
Kelly took a moment to consider her response, her head tipping to the side. "Playful."
Danny balked. "That's not true. I'm like this all the time."
"When?" Kelly challenged. "Because I'm willing to bet that if I pulled a random person from the corridor that they would disagree."
That standard seemed ridiculously unfair to Danny. Of course he was serious around the camp. These people depended on him to keep them alive, which meant that he had to maintain a certain amount of decorum. But that wasn't who he was. He was the guy known for pulling elaborate pranks on his team. The guy who had a secret affair on a five hundred foot destroyer. The guy who worked hard and partied harder, using morning PT to recover from a hangover. Except...
When was the last time he did any of those things?
Danny couldn't remember the last time he surprised Kara with a kiss outside of their quarters, or played a practical joke, or joined any of the camp's entertainment except under orders. Besides his impromptu evening with Carlton, he couldn't even remember the last time he had a drink.
But that was because of circumstances.
He and Kara couldn't disappear when they had a little girl to take care of. He couldn't play a practical joke on Captain Slattery when the man had just returned from a supply run prominently featuring the dead and dying. And he certainly couldn't get drunk in front of the people who depended on him to make decisions for them.
In other words, Kelly was right. "I play with Frankie," Danny argued, more to himself than Kelly.
Kelly shook her head. "That's not what I mean, Danny. Your love and devotion to your daughter is not in question. I have no doubt that you've experience moments of happiness and joy with Frankie, or that you enjoy your time with Frankie or Kara or Carlton. But when was the last time you did something silly?"
Moments passed as Danny pondered the question, wracking his brain for the answer. But the only image that came to mind - throwing a snowball at Benz - was from years before.
That couldn't be right. Could it?
The timer beeped, signalling the end of session.
"Same time next week?" Kelly asked as she ushered him towards the door.
Danny nodded absently, his mind still whirling, refusing to accept the suggestion that he - the rule-breaker, the prankster, the guy who was always ready to try something new - could have changed so fundamentally. He was already out the door when Kelly spoke again.
"We all change, Danny. All of us. You aren't the same person today as you were five years ago, and you won't be this person in another five years. The question isn't whether we change, Danny, but who we want to become."
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Walking into the cafeteria to find a group of young, clamorous men huddled into the corner, Danny was instantly on alert. Although fights among the residents of the bunker were rare, they weren't unheard of, and the recent move from the camp to the bunker was exactly the type of situation that often increased tension. He moved swiftly across the space, nodding at the civilians interspersed among the tables. Nobody seemed concerned - yet.
As he drew closer, Danny could see that, whatever was happening, this wasn't a fight. Rather, the group appeared to be trying to see something hidden by the wall of bodies, their voices rising in excited chatter. Noticing Wolf standing to the side of the crowd, arms folded against his chest as he leaned against the wall, Danny relaxed slightly, knowing that Wolf would have already interfered were there a problem. Danny nodded towards the man, who managed to maneuver his way around the swarm of men without getting hit. "What's going on?"
"Cruz found his sister," Wolf explained.
"What?"
All the air seemed to have left his body as Danny stared first at Wolf, and then at the group of men who, upon noticing Danny's presence, stepped back to allow him access. At the center sat Teylor, eyes red as he brushed away tears. "Maria. My little sister Maria. My nephews Manny and Christopher. They're alive."
Teylor thrust the phone at Danny, a picture of a thin, exhausted looking woman and two small boys staring back at him. It took a moment for Danny's frozen brain to realize that this wasn't an old picture. A picture from before. This was new. This was current. This was now.
Maria wasn't a soldier like Cameron. She didn't have a military background like Eddie.. She hadn't stumbled across a cabin in the wilderness like Jack and Bobby. Instead, she was a single mother of two small children who lived in the middle of one of the hardest hit cities in the nation, New Orleans.
And yet somehow she survived.
"How?" Danny could barely push the single word through his throat.
"In a convent, of all places." Teylor laughed, and Danny vaguely recalled Maria being something of a party-girl. "Someone there got the message about the vaccine distribution. Maria recognized the uniforms and asked one of the guys if they knew anything about the Nathan James. Commander Burk made the connection."
Cameron's team found her, then. Captain Chandler had decided, over multiple objections, that Cameron's trip south to Immune territory should serve two purposes. First, come up with a rescue plan for Jeffrey Michener. Second, distribute the cure in Louisiana. Danny had been one of the nay-sayers, arguing that the risk of sending a message deep in Immune territory was too great, the likelihood of armed conflict with civilians caught in the middle too high.
If Captain Chandler had listened to Danny, Teylor would not have found his sister.
"Congratulations." His voice cracked and Danny swiftly cleared his throat. "Is Commander Burk bringing them north with him?"
"Yes, along with the remainder of the survivors from the convent," Teylor replied. "Apparently the Ramseys' mother was religious, so they left the church alone but the priest is worried that will change once Ned Ramsey learns about the cure."
The very reason why their presence was such a risk.
Thankfully Danny hadn't spoken the words out-loud, catching them before they slipped from his tongue. There was no reason to think that Maria was any more of a threat to the bunker than Eddie or Jack or Cameron. The threat was less now, really, given that they were all immune. The playing field was now level.
Yet the fear still lingered.
The fear that this time would be the time they made a mistake. That they let in an Immune sympathizer. One who exposed all of them to the worst that humanity had to offer.
Again.
Still, Danny knew that he wouldn't say anything. Not to Teylor, not to Cameron, and not to Captain Chandler. Everyone knew the risk. Cameron wouldn't bring Maria here if he had any suspicions about her or any of her fellow survivors. And, like all recent arrivals, Maria's group would first spend a few days or weeks at the camp to make certain that they were not being followed before being cleared to enter the bunker.
"I'll talk to Kara about assigning Maria some living space, and see if we can put you on duty at the camp when they arrive."
Thankfully Teylor hadn't noticed Danny's hesitation, his attention back on the picture before him, almost oblivious to the men around him slapping his back, a few making inappropriate comments about Maria's bust. Danny caught the eye of one young man after a particular vulgar comment, his stern face enough to have the kid stumbling an apology. Teylor noticed none of the byplay. "Thank you, Commander."
Stepping back, Danny moved towards Wolf. "You think you can keep them under control?"
Wolf nodded. "Yeah. This will die down soon enough. It gives them all hope, you know?"
Danny hesitated before responding. "It does make you think."
"Heard a few people talking about taking the cure and heading east, looking for family," Wolf continued. Although Danny hadn't heard such rumors, he wasn't surprised. The bunker might be safe, but it was also in many ways a prison.
A gilded cage.
Now that the paralyzing fear of the Red Flu had been removed, people's attention was beginning to turn to other priorities, like finding out what happened to their families.
"Ward mentioned going," Danny admitted. "I've considered it myself."
"Well, if you want company, happy to tag along," Wolf said. Danny's surprise must have shown because Wolf shrugged. "No ships to Australia from Tennessee. Hell, I didn't know this state existed four years ago."
"None from Connecticut either," Danny retorted.
"One step at a time, Yank," Wolf replied, grinning. And then, as quickly as it arose, the moment was over. "Don't worry about Cruz. I'll make sure the boys don't get too out of hand."
Danny nodded, taking two steps before hesitating. "And Wolf?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks."
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All afternoon Danny fought the overpowering urge to check his phone. Through the debriefing with Captain Chandler where Danny officially learned what he already knew, that Cameron's mission was a success on both fronts. Through the meeting with Captain Slattery and Doctor Scott regarding her never-ending critical supply list. Through dinner with Kara and Frankie, one at which he was so distracted that Kara asked him twice if something was wrong.
He knew that there was no point. Lightening didn't strike twice. And yet, after hours of tossing and turning, Danny found himself creeping across the chamber, flashlight in hand, as he located his knapsack. The one that remained packed at all times, in case of an emergency. Unzipping a side pouch, Danny pulled out the thin, black rectangle, holding his breath as he waited to see if it would power on. Months had passed since the last time he took out his cell phone, wanting to look at pictures of his mother on her birthday. At the time he didn't even bother checking for a message.
He gave up hoping to receive one years ago.
Just as Danny became certain that the battery was dead, the screen powered up, a spinning blue wheel giving way to a picture of him and Kara on their wedding day. Both wearing their dress uniforms, Kara's discreetly pinned to accommodate her expanding stomach. Back from the time when Danny still adhered to the formalities, before he stopped believing that things would ever be normal again. Moving to his messages, Danny waited, as patiently as he could, as one minute passed. Then two. Then ten.
But nothing changed.
The last message he sent - I have a little girl! - still sat at the top of the screen. No response. No small check-mark to indicate that it was read, or even opened. He stared at the screen. Despite knowing how remote the possibility was, some small part of him had hoped for a different outcome.
But just because he didn't get a message, that didn't mean he couldn't send one.
His fingers frozen over the buttons, Danny thought about what he could possibly say after four years. How could he possibly convey his scattered thoughts into a couple sentences? He began typing, fumbling for the words.
It's Danny.
I think about you everyday, hoping that you're still alive.
We have the cure.
If you get this, head west to Tennessee.
I'm sorry, sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me.
Just get me word, somehow, and I'll find you.
Please let me know if you're alive. Please.
Erasing one after the other, he finally pressed typed a simple question and hit send.
Anybody there?
"Anything?"
Kara's quiet voice made Danny jump, and he wondered when she woke up. Glancing over his shoulder, Danny confirmed that Frankie was still asleep, sprawled on her stomach across the bed. Kara settled next to him on the hard floor, and it was only then that Danny realized how cold he was.
"No." Danny shivered, and Kara spread a blanket over their legs. "I didn't expect one. Not really. Just..."
"Finding Maria made you wonder," Kara replied softly.
"Yeah."
"Me too."
Slipping an arm around Kara's back, Danny tugged her towards him until she was sitting almost on his lap, her head rested on his chest. After rearranging the blanket to cover them again, he ran the fingers of one hand through her silky hair.
"I know that my mother is dead. I know, but," Kara paused, "not knowing how..."
"Makes it worse."
Kara would never know what happened to Debbie, whether she was felled by an Immune bullet or infected by Niels, her body lost somewhere in the Virginia wilderness. And there was a very real chance that, even if he did go to Connecticut, Danny would never know what happened to his family either. Never discover where or how they died. Never even gaining confirmation that they were dead.
"If you want to look for them, I understand. I do." Kara's voice quivered but there was no hesitation in her words. This was no off-the-cuff offer, but one that she had carefully considered. One that she made consciously.
One that must have cost her.
Kara had already lost her mother, her best friend, and half the men and women under her command. Danny knew how much she worried every time he left the camp despite her efforts to hid her fears. And yet, she was still offering to let him go.
Danny meant every single word he wrote to his family. He would never stop thinking about them, hoping against hope that they were alive, that he would someday find them. But he wasn't willing to risk his future by dwelling in the past. "If Chandler sends a team - when Chandler sends a team - I'll go. But until then..."
"Yes?" Kara prompted as the silence grew.
"Right now I want to be here. With you. With Frankie. Our family."
"Are you sure?" Kara's voice wobbled, and Danny tugged her closer, wiping away the tears that slipped down her cheek.
"One hundred percent."